01x06 - Cleaning House

[bunniefuu]

Holy sh*t, man.

What are you doing here?

Doing my laundry.

Yeah, but you're Rob Schneider.

Hey everybody, look.

Rob Schneider's doing his laundry at the laundry mat.

You don't have your own washer and dryer?

Of course I do.

But that's for my family stuff.

This is my dog's laundry.

There's dog piss and sh*t and vomit all over this stuff.

I don't want all those germs f*cking up the machines at my house.

Those machines are for people.

Okay.

It's all yours, buddy.

Come on.

Let's find a different machine.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Jamie.

Yeah?

Did you send that script to my agent, like I asked you to?

When did you want me to do that?

I asked you two days ago.

Well, you never reminded me.

Oh, I'm supposed to ask you and then also remind you.

(Sneezes)

Dude, you know what. I sent the script.

I'm almost pretty sure.

Oh, that's reassuring. Did you hear that, honey?

He's almost pretty sure.

How about this one?

I'm almost pretty sure I'm gonna pay you this week.

How about this one?

I'm almost pretty sure an animal could do your job.

Sorry, man.

I've taken a lot of cold medicine today.

Did you make my juice?

I was just about to.

Don't touch it, you just sneezed.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Okay.

Don't put them back!

You are a sick, sick person.

A sick, demented person.

I don't feel good.

Jamie...

You look terrible.

Just go home.

Okay?

No, if I go home who's going to take care of all Rob's stuff?

We'll try to survive without you.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Feel better.

Thank you, Jamie.

Thank you for giving the washing machine AIDS.

Patricia: I'm serious.

Everything is going to get clean even this house.

Chonika was just here yesterday. She cleaned the whole house.

I spent 200 dollars she did a really good job.

Except for the refrigerator and the stove and the baby room and some of the carpets.

No, I'm talking about spirits and bad energy.

What?

Yeah. Don't you feel like there's weird energy going on in here?

Patricia, you're an intelligent, educated person.

You can't be serious with this bad energy and spirits stuff.

In my family we cleanse the house of spirits and bad energy before your child can walk.

Well that makes sense if you're raised by warlocks but, this is America.

We have things like myth busting and random sh**t.

Yeah, you also have this thing called divorce.

You better get someone to clean this house.

You know who got divorced?

Steven Hawking.

Did you know that?

He got divorced... twice.

What did that guy have to complain about?

(Laughter)

(Robotic voice) The earth, the sun and the solar system is at its half-life.

In 2.5 billion years the sun will have expended all its hydrogen stars and will expand to three times its current size engulfing the planets Earth, Mars and Venus in a huge fireball before shrinking back to a dwarf star for the rest of eternity.

I'm leaving you.

(Laughter)

I can't take your sh*t any longer.

(Laughter)

Please open the door.

Bitch.

(Laughter)

I need you to open the door.

I asked nicely.

No, please don't hurt me, please I take it back.

This machine makes some word choices I take it back, I take it back.

So, we're having a garage sale.

What? When?

This weekend. I told you all about it.

Yeah, but I didn't think you were serious about it.

This baby is going to grow up in a clean environment.

Your stuff is too old and dusty.

And we're getting rid of all of your junk.

Junk?

I've been collecting this stuff my whole life.

The reason I didn't remind him about the garage sale is because he would have hidden things.

He's a hoarder.

Do you need these sticks?

Yes.

All of them?

They're a set.

Where are my Beatles albums?

I'm selling them.

What?

There was writing all over them.

That's because they were signed by the Beatles.

How do you know they were signed by the Beatles?

They were definitely signed by the Beatles.

I have no idea if they were really signed by the Beatles.

I got them at an auction and I kind of went a little auction crazy got caught up in the bidding.

Anyway, $25,000 later, they better be at least signed by someone who knew the Beatles.

You know who's still performing?

Paul McCartney.

The guy's like 72, 73, whatever.

You know, it's amazing.

It's great to hear him sing those old songs like...

♪ She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

.. and then he sings some of his new songs I'd like to sing a song about John.

John and I sang some songs about some girls we had some fun.

(Hums)

It's like, Hey Paul...

Just the hits.

(Laughter)

It's 200 bucks for a ticket, alright?

You're 72, what if you don't make it through the whole show?

(Laughter)

Go out on a hit.

I'd like to sing a song about the female astronaut who sh*t her pants.

No, we don't wanna hear it.

Patricia: Garbage.

Rob: That's my first bicycle helmet.

Garbage.

That's my Frisbee.

Garbage.

You don't gotta throw both Frisbees away.

Garbage.

That's a flipper.

Garbage.

That's a classic playboy magazine.

Garbage.

God.

That's it, I'm gonna go through the rest of your stuff tonight.

Miranda might want some of this stuff when she grows up.

The only thing Miranda's gonna want when she grows up is your credit card.

There's some really cool sh*t here I don't know about that.

I think she'll be okay without this tiki lamp.

I got that tiki lamp my senior year in high school.

My trip, my senior trip.

And you've enjoyed it all these years.

Now it's time to say goodbye.

A lot of these things are antiques.

I think you're confusing antique with piece of sh*t.

Besides, the only antique I like in this house is you.

Hey. What do you think you're doing?

These things have memories attached to them.

You can choose two of the things from in there.

Two?

Yes.

Now!

Ok, well, um...

Willie Mays baseball mitt and the My Sharona album.

Okay, now pick one.

But, you tricked me.

Oops, I did.

Pick one.

The Willie Mays baseball mitt.

I want to keep the Willie Mays baseball mitt.

Okay!

Okay.

Things are going to change around here.

That's fine. Yeah.

I can handle this.

Good.

♪ (Manic music) ♪

Don't worry about a thing.

Just go to the park, have a good time.

Take the Incredible Hulk with you I'll take care of everything.

Okay, I'm trusting you.

When you come home the house will be clean of bad energy and bad spirits.

You better not be bullshitting me.

Honey, I'm not going to bullshit you about something as important as cleansing our house of spirits just so you'll continue to have sex with me.

You're right. That one I believe.

I love you, see you later.

Now what the f*ck do I do?

(Phone rings)

Hello?

Hey George, it's Rob Schneider.

Dude, how'd you get this number?

You gave it to me.

Rob, I don't remember giving you my number but alright, what can I do for you?

I've never asked you for a favour before.

And you know my wife is Mexican, right?

Yeah, okay.

Well, she wants someone to come and clean the house and I figured since you're Mexican you might...

Listen you r*cist cocksucker are you f*cking serious?

I don't clean houses, mother fucker alright?

Who told you to call me, Jay Leno?

Listen puto, I got money in the bank, mother fucker, sh*t.

Not you clean the house.

Like, somebody clean the bad spirits out of the house.

Like a witch doctor or something.

Do you know anybody?

Oh, um...

sh*t. You know what?

Actually I think I do have something for you.

You do?

Yeah, let me run inside and go get it.

Thanks pal, I love your old show.

You should get another one.

f*cking assh*le.

Hi.

Hello.

I'm Mauricio.

Thanks for coming by.

You must be Rob.

You know I'm a psychic.

I feel there's a little distress with you.

Yeah, I think you just broke my spine.

(Laughs)

George said that you were pretty funny.

George said I was pretty funny?

What else did he say?

Wait.

I feel something.

What the f*ck?

Are you having a heart att*ck?

What's going on with your new TV show?

I do have a new TV show. Maybe you are psychic.

What, did you pick up some kind of vibe?

No, I read it in the Hollywood Reporter.

Well, it's in development.

It's a good show, hopefully will get on next season.

You know I can help you with that?

(Mocking accent) Are you a TV writer?

Or are you a network executive?

Or a TV producer?

No, I can get rid of all the negative energy that's surrounding you.

Don't get rid of all the negative energy, I still need my mug.

(Laughs)

Rob: Patricia's gonna be pissed.

It's not very sanitary, I have a live chicken running around on my kitchen counter.

You don't like chickens?

I like them in my sandwich.

There's one more thing I need, Rob.

I need weed.

You need weed?

I need weed.

What do you need weed for?

I can't make the spirits go away without the weed, Rob!

This is California you can't just buy weed.

Why?

You need to get a marijuana licence.

This is kind of embarrassing but my wife thinks there's some bad energy in the house and we have a Dominican witch doctor over there.

He's trying to get the bad spirits out and he says he needs some marijuana.

I'm sorry, I wasted your time.

Okay.

That's it?

I'm gonna get a license off of that?

Mm-hmm.

It's kind of a scam, huh?

This whole medical marijuana thing.

Just a big scam, right?

Actually, no it's not a scam at all.

You need medical marijuana for your Dominican witch doctor to get rid of the evil spirits in your house.

If anyone needs medical marijuana, it's you.

This is only good for the next seven years.

Seven years?

Seven years.

Alright, well.

I bet your parents are proud they have a 'doctor' in the family.

Yes.

I like living in California.

We have legal marijuana in California.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a big pot smoking guy at all.

I'm against what they have in Colorado.

Colorado, they have these pot clubs.

I think... I think it's wrong.

You shouldn't be able to just join a club and just get all the pot you want.

In California, we do it right.

You have to have a medical marijuana licence.

You have to see a medical marijuana doctor.

They're gonna ask you questions too, like.

"Do you have a major credit card?"

(Laughter)

And then you have to have a reason.

You have to have a reason because you need medical marijuana.

Like you know, 'Tuesdays make me sad.'

(Laughter)

'I'm scared of elbows.'

(Laughter)

Or my favourite.

'I'm feeling anxious because I'm almost out of f*cking pot.'

(Laughter)

Rob: I need something powerful.

Here you go. Scooby-Doo sativa.

This will scare spirits away?

Oh yeah, it does everything.

Okay, I'll take it.

What is that for?

That is unnecessary.

Son of a bitch.

Leave this house now, gringo.

Oh, God.

(Speaking Spanish)

Yo tengo el poder.

Leave this house, I say.

What is that? That's disgusting.

You're undoing all the good cleaning.

Deja esta casa ahora mismo...

What the... ?

The neighbours are going to think there's a drug deal going on.

f*ck me!

Leave in the name of me, Horatio.

This is some good sh*t, man.

(Makes sounds)

Oh, f*ck.

(Rings a bell)

It is finished.

What's finished, my weed?

The spirits... they're gone from this house.

I have to lay down.

I'm so f*cking high right now, Rob.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, baby. What did you do today?

Not much, got a marijuana licence went to the marijuana store, George Lopez called me a r*cist, I paid a Dominican to spit all over the floors and walls then had a live chicken run on the counter for no reason.

How was your day?

Good, thanks.

So, notice any difference?

Let's see.

Yeah, feels better in here.

Well it should. We got rid of all the spirits.

And about 800 dollars.

Hmm. Totally worth it.

Anything to make you happy, baby.

You know that.

Keep it that way.

Always.

(Sneezes)

Dude.

You gotta lock the door, man.

Anybody can just walk right in here.

It's a shitty neighborhood.

I'm kinda out of it.

Hey, I need you to hang on to this stuff, okay?

No, my place is kinda small, man.

Dude, this is your job.

I don't think I have room for that stuff.

Look at all this sh*t.

I should bring some of this crap over to the garage sale.

Now this is some real garage sale crap.

This is my stuff, man.

Okay, I need you to do me a favour.

Go back to the house and buy my My Sharona album right now.

I'm really sick, man.

I shouldn't be going anywhere.

Don't do it for me.

Do it to keep your job.

Okay?

Alright.

Find a good place for that, okay?

(Sneezes)

See you, pal.

Call my stuff sh*t... (mutters)

(♪♪♪)

Patricia: Everything on that table is two dollars.

Or make me an offer.

So many treasures.

Oh, how much for the My Sharona album?

One dollar.

Oh, you drive a hard bargain, but okay.

Alright, thank you.

(Sneezes)

Jamie.

What are you doing here?

No, I just...

I told you to go home, you're sick.

Rob sent you here?

No, I've always wanted this album and wearing fake moustaches always makes me feel better.

Get out, now. Get out.

Yeah, okay.

Give me that.

No, but I...

Can I have my five dollars back?

No.

Can I have five dollars credit for something else?

Get out, Jamie!

Patricia: Mmm.

Smells good in here.

I'm just making a little chicken soup for Jamie.

Thought it might make him feel a little better.

That doesn't sound like you.

I have a nice side too.

Mmh. Let me taste a little bit.

Don't eat that!

It's not safe.

I'm Mexican, I can eat anything.

It's not safe!

It's safe for Jamie, it's not safe for us.

What kind of soup is that?

It's a soup that bit me pretty hard about an hour ago.

Rob: Did you at least eat the chicken soup I gave you?

Come on.

I don't think I can make it in to work tomorrow, man.

Rob: What is wrong with you now?

(Farts)

I have some sort of...

(Poops)

Stomach virus, sharp pains.

Rob: You know what you have?

You're a p*ssy, that's what you are, a p*ssy.

I'm scared, man.

(Farts)

Rob: Will you stop complaining?

You don't want me there.

Rob: Get in to work.

I've never been this sick.

I think I was poisoned.

(Poops)

Rob.

(Farts)

When guys get sick, they don't do anything.

Guys are wusses.

But women still want to do stuff when they're sick.

No, (Coughs) please let me do something.

Please, I insist.

I want to help.

(Coughs)

Let me be helpful.

Let me do something.

I'll do the dishes.

(Laughter)

What they're really saying is...

Why doesn't he change places with me?

Or make me some tea or massage my feet or buy me flowers like he used to when we were first dating?

Doesn't he see how sick I am?

I'll tell you why.

Because the guy's looking over, going.

'Oh, she must be feeling better, she's doing sh*t.'

(Laughter)

I'm gonna try to bang her later.

'Get that out of me!'

Sorry honey, I thought you were feeling better.

Well, you were right.

I know.

Just spent the last three hours putting my useless bacteria ridden possessions out to the curb.

I'm proud of you for getting rid of your stuff.

I know it was hard.

It was.

When you get rid of all that old stuff you're making room in your life for new stuff.

Maybe, I mean, yeah.

Me, Miranda, your new TV show.

Another baby?

No, you're still getting a vasectomy.

Hey, to show you how proud of you I am I have something for you.

What?

Close your eyes.

Open.

Oh.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Look at those tits.

Thank you, baby.

You know... you and Miranda are way more important to me than any stuff.

Okay, baby.

Shh, shh, shh.

Can you at least take the baseballs out so she can sleep.

Yeah, okay.

(Unclear)

Ted Williams.

[♪♪♪]

Wow, that was a little aggressive don't you think?

I thought you liked that kind of stuff.

Holy sh*t!

What?

What's this?

It better go away by tonight.

It just says 'fun sex life'.

This says domestic abuse.

No.

People just think we have a fun sex life.

I don't know about we.

What are you saying?

You ever even ask me?

I just assumed that if there was something that you wanted that would make our sex life more interesting I mean, you'd tell me.

Yes there is.

Get me batteries for my toy.

I'm not doing it.