01x08 - Opening Night

(Studio audience cheering)

♪ It's Rob and all his friends... ♪

I love you, honey.

Here, watch whatever you want.

So this is what a remote feels like.

You never let me touch it before.

Yeah, don't get too used to it.

I'll never let you touch it again.

(Laugh)

Give me that.

I guess they're back.

Doesn't anybody knock any more?

What, were you guys raised in a zom-barn?

(Laughs)

(Groans and coughs)

Sorry, I forgot my line.

Forgot your line?

You don't have a line.

Your line is "Ugh!"

Ugh!

It's the fifth f*ckin' time, man.

It's not like a line.

f*ck me. God...

I'm sorry, guys. I can't do this.

I need a minute.

Rob... What's going on, man?

I need a minute. I'm sorry, I need a minute.

Why didn't you finish the scene?

I can't do this.

Well, what's the problem?

The problem is I'm doing a sitcom with zombies.

That's the problem.

Alright... why don't we... take ten? Alright?

Come on.

A.D.: Okay, everybody, let's take ten.

Tell me all about it.

Zombies back to your dressing room.

If someone could come clean up this broken glass...

Zombies are very hot right now.

Aaron, I don't give a flying f*ck, alright?

This show was supposed to be about my life, okay?

And two weeks later, I got zombies and vampires in my living room, and I'm trying to kill them with "laughter."

Okay?

This show is a gigantic piece of sh1t!

Aaron: Well now, wait, I don't think that it's fair It's not fair.

... To judge the show on Tuesday.

We don't shoot it until Friday, right?

You really just have to trust the process here.

We haven't even done rewrites.

And Josh here got rewrites, right?

Yes.

You can't rewrite that the premise of the show is insane, okay?

Zombies are bad enough, but vampires?!

Not vampires, "zompires."

Where did you find this douchebag, seriously?

Replace him.

No.

Please, oh f*ck. Please replace me.

Please, please, please get somebody else. Please!

No. We were laughing.

Honestly.

Didn't you think that he was funny, darling?

Yes!

Very funny, Rob.

I was laughing the whole entire time.

Hilarious!

And likeable.

Likeable.

These jokes wouldn't make a person laugh, let alone kill a zombie.

Zompire!

f*ck you, dumb-bag!

f*ck you!

I don't have to take this sh1t.

I know funny, and this is funny.

I was head writer on "She Stole My Face."

What the f*ck was that?!

Yeah, hang your hat on that piece of sh1t.

As soon as this show's a hit, I'm replacing...

Nobody's replacing anybody.

You don't have to replace me, 'cause I quit.

Good, go! Bye!

Rob, you're not...

You're not going to quit.

You're both very nice people.

I like you.

You're good-looking, tall Jews.

Somehow, you're blond.

I don't know how that happened, but it's good for the tribe.

But I can't do this sh1t any more.

I'm sorry.

I'm done.

No one can do this show but you, Rob.

No one.

What about Matthew Broderick?

Bill Burr?

Chris Rock.

Jack Black.

Jack Black...

Yes!

Genius.

(♪♪♪)

(♪♪♪)

Hey.

Hey.

Havin' a party?

Mm-hm.

That's a good one.

Okay, that'll be $1,152.

Okay... and thank you.

I'm sorry, the card's declined.

Oh.

It happens sometimes.

Okay.

Let's try this one.

Sure.

I'm sorry. It's declined, as well.

That's okay.

That's a lot of wine I'd have to put back.

Let me see how much cash I have on me.

Sure.

Dollars or pesos?

(Laugh)

You don't take pesos?

(Chuckle)

You sure?

(♪♪♪)

Come on!

Yeah...

Where the hell am I?

I'm taking you to lunch, remember?

In this shithole?

This is my spot, man!

Thai noodle bowls. Five-ninety-nine a piece.

I'd rather eat at the empty-Blockbuster over there.

The crumbs off the floor.

Boy, they f*cked up that place good, huh?

Yeah, who'd have thought the ability to stream movies directly into your home would put that place out of business?

I gotta get this.

Our lunch special's about to end. I'll grab us a table.

Two noodle bowls.

Yeah, you do that.

Andy: Hey!

Yeah, hello Andy.

I heard you walked off set. This is not good!

I can't do that sitcom.

You have a contract, and I don't think I can get you out of that.

I'm sorry for your ten percent, but you gotta get me out of it.

I'm too old for this sh1t.

Listen to me, you have to give this a chance.

It's 110 grand an episode!

I have enough money.

I did 17 movies with Adam Sandler.

f*ck Adam Sandler! And you know what?

f*ck the money.

I never told you this, man, but I got into this business for two reasons: One, okay, fine, the money. Brings me a lot of pleasure.

But two, it's because I care about people.

And Rob, I care about you, man.

We gotta get you back out there, you know?

I'm at the point in my life where I only want to do things that I care about.

What do I f*cking tell them?!

See if one of the zompires can kill me.

You know, I'd like to f*cking kill you.

That'll work, too.

Oh, by the way, Ryan Gosling's agent called.

You gotta get the other half of the deposit day-of.

I'll have his money.

(Phone beep)

I gotta take this. It's my wife.

Hi, honey.

Hi, baby. How was it?

Horrible.

That bad?

Worse. There was zompires.

That's stupid.

Hey, is there anything wrong with our credit cards?

There shouldn't be. Why?

I was buying wine for the opening night party and my card was declined.

Which one?

All of them.

What about the silver one?

It's got like a $50,000 limit.

They declined it.

How about the black one?

That one, too.

How about the really, really black one?

I've tried all of them.

The Starbucks card wouldn't even work.

It's probably just a mistake.

Well, something's going on, and you better figure out what.

I'll take care of it. I'll be home in a bit.

Jamie's going to give me some food poisoning first.

Okay, I'm gonna go. Love you.

I love you, too.

Rob: I love it.

Good space.

I could put the refrigerators right there...

Yeah.

Get the salad bar, juice bar...

Yep.

Cash registers at the front...

'Scuse me for a sec.

Sure, go ahead.

Hello?

MAN: Hi, is this Mr. Schneider?

Yeah.

I'm calling you back from American Express.

How can I help you?

Yeah, my wife is trying to use the American Express cards and none of them worked.

That's because your account's been maxed out.

Maxed out? That's not possible.

We paid off every month. I've never missed a payment.

Well, there's another card on your account with a large outstanding balance.

There is no other card on that account.

What's the name on that account?

The name is "Jeff Schneider."

That's my brother.

Um...

What's the balance on that?

Just a moment.

It's close to a million dollars.

m*therf*cker!

I'm going to have to call you back.

Okay, sir.

(Phone ringing)

JEFF: Hey, how's it goin'?

You put your card on my account?

You cocksucker!

Look, I can explain everything.

You explain a million dollars, you m*therf*cker!

Look, it's all business expenses.

Business expenses? You don't even work for me!

Look, I gotta get... another call comin' in. I gotta go.

Don't you hang up on me.

Don't you, you f*ckin' thief!

Alright, I'll let you know.

(♪♪♪)

Well, I looked into all your bank accounts, your credit card statements, your savings, your retirement portfolios, and this is what I found out.

What did you find out?

You're broke.

What do you mean by broke?

You don't have any money.

Now, when you say I don't have any money...

How much money we talkin'?

None.

I'm sorry. I'm still not getting you.

Your mother and your brother have been bleeding you dry.

How did they blow all my money?

They spent $857,000 of your money on one credit card alone.

What?!

If you hadn't maxed out your credit cards recently, you might not have ever found out.

You're my accountant.

You're supposed to know this sh1t.

I pay your bills. That's all you pay me to do!

Here are credit card transactions for the last eight years.

You're going to find some of it pretty interesting.

Rob: Oh my God.

$3,000 for Mr. Chow's...

Jesus.

ITunes?

I don't even know how to get on the internet.

Hooker?!

Who buys a hooker with a credit card?

$2,000 for Whole Foods?

No, wait. That was me.

That one was me.

(♪♪♪)

Holy sh1t, man. That's crazy!

But the good news is you made a lot of money these past few years.

The bad news is your family...

I know the bad news, dummy!

My family stole it from me.

What does Patricia say?

I haven't told her yet.

The premier of her show is tonight.

She's finally going to get to see all those dicks on stage at the same time.

I don't want to ruin that for her.

I'll wait 'til after the show... then ruin the after-party.

This might now be the best time to bring this up, but Ryan Gosling's agent called me.

He wants the other $150,000 for his personal appearance fee...

... in an hour.

Well I'm not going to be able to pay it, am I?

I just told you my family stole all my money.

Were you not even listening?

I missed the part in the middle when this hot girl walked by...

But I got the gist of it.

You need to call and see if you can get my deposit back.

It's non-refundable.

What the f*ck am I going to do?

I promised Patricia I'd have Ryan Gosling at her premiere tonight.

I don't know if this is going to piss you off or not, but there's a guy outside who looks exactly like a homeless Ryan Gosling.

(♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪)

Jamie: What are we doing in my apartment again?

We need to get him cleaned up for the party tonight.

No way, man. This is my home!

This guy f*ckin' reeks.

Have some compassion.

He's a human being.

I'm pretty sure he understands some of the words you're using.

I am not okay with this.

Rob: Come on. Do something nice for once.

You won't even know he's here.

Yes, I will.

This is a studio apartment.

We'll both always be in the same room.

(Faucet running)

Is he washing his balls in my sink?

What the f*ck, man!

He's already trying to better himself.

I clean my dishes in there.

Excuse me, could you please get your balls out of my sink?

Come on!

Rob: He's got to at least clean both of 'em.

Don't leave him with the one dirty one.

Hey, that's my only dress shirt!

I was going to wear that tonight to the party.

Rob: I'll get you a shirt.

Come on, man. How is this even going to work?

All I know is the real Ryan Gosling wants $150,000 more, of which I don't have... and this guy's willing to do it for a pair of socks.

Well, he stinks.

And now my whole place stinks.

I'll tell you what stinks, your attitude, young man.

Listen to you. You're a pussy.

This is dangerous.

He only has to stay here until the show tonight!

f*ck you! I put up with your sh1t all the time, but this time this is too much.

This is the one thing that Patricia's been looking forward to, and you would take that away from her?

I'm ashamed of you.

What if he rapes me?

He's not going to rape you...

You're not going to rape him, are you?

Okay, he's joking.

Rob, I think he's serious.

He's not going to rape you.

He nodded like he was going to rape me.

He's not. You weren't serious, right?

He's joking again! You see? That's what they do.

They get severely sunburned, and then they go through the garbage, and then they make jokes.

That's their lives.

Oh, that makes me feel better.

Good.

I'm glad we cleared this up.

See you in a bit!

♪♪♪

Lookin' pretty good, huh?

Rob: Neil...

I don't have the money.

But you already paid the deposit.

You won't get that money back.

I know.

(Phone vibrating)

That's a lot of money.

Excuse me a sec.

Yeah, hello?

I got you out.

Out of what?

The sitcom.

I got you out of your contract.

It's what you wanted, right?

No! Get me back in.

Are you f*cking nuts?! Do you know how much sh1t I had to eat from the network to get you out of that contract?!

f*ck!!

Besides, they've already replaced you.

Replaced me with who?

Norm MacDonald.

sh1t!

I don't have the money.

You've got to tell these guys to stop.

What about the refrigerator equipment, the freezers, the display racks?

It's all gonna be delivered here in two hours.

I don't know yet.

It's 200 grand worth of equipment.

Where do you want me to tell 'em to deliver it?

I'm not sure.

Let me think about it.

Hey, what happened with the show?

They replaced me with Norm MacDonald.

Norm will be perfect for that show!

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

Are you seriously thinking about doin' this?

Can you think of any other place we can store this refrigerator equipment for free?

This is breaking and entering.

That's two things that are both illegal!

So what?

If you want to be a huge pussy, you can wait in the car.

Now gimme your hoodie.

Give me your hoodie!

Come on!

Fine.

(Sniff)

Smells like bum urine.

Dude, I don't even notice anymore, because my whole place smells like bum urine.

Especially the bum with urine all over him that you brought over to my house that's still there.

You and I both know you don't do sh1t for me, yet I still keep paying you for whatever reason!

Well now you're gonna earn your salary for once.

You're gonna help me break into this store, I swear to God, or I'll use this on your f*ckin' balls!

What if somebody comes and we get caught?

Nobody ever came to this place.

That's why they all went out of business.

Come on.

Do the zipper. It's...

Get the f*ck away from me!

Okay, just...

Just stop with the fuckin...

The whole point of a hoodie is...

Will you stop? Are you insane?

Calm the f*ck down, we're not even out of the car yet.

We're gonna get caught.

Let's do this.

sh1t.

Why do you get to wear the hoodie?

Because you gave it to me.

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Go on. Get in, get in.

Get the f*ck in there.

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

Who are you right now?

Nobody better f*ck with me today.

Nobody.

(Phone vibrating)

Hi baby, how are you?

Hey baby, what's going on? I haven't heard from you all day.

I've been running around taking care of stuff.

What's wrong?

Nothing! Everything's fine.

I can tell when you're hiding something from me.

I'm not hiding anything!

If Ryan Gosling can't make it tonight, just tell me.

No, he'll be there! I swear.

Okay.

Don't worry about anything.

You've worked really hard for this.

Just enjoy yourself tonight.

Okay. I love you.

I love you too.

Bye.

Can you move that one to the right?

God, I hate when I lie to her.

It's gotta be done...

But I hate it.

Come on.

(Scissors snipping)

♪ ("Drive" -esque synth rock) ♪

You're a f*cking genius!

(Giggle)

That's why you've been my makeup lady for 18 years.

How much do I owe you?

Nothing.

You owe me your life.

Amazing.

He's going crazy again. Make him stop.

Put the glasses back on.

I got it.

Good.

How'd you get him to sit still for this long?

Oh, I found some weed in the drawer.

That was my weed!

Sorry.

Is that a used condom?

Did you guys f*ck in my bed?

Is that his jizz in there?

I can't believe you f*cked a homeless guy in my bed!

That's disgusting!

After I cleaned him up, he looked so much like Ryan Gosling I had to f*ck him!

She had to f*ck him.

(Women cheering, loud dance music)

(Women cheering, loud dance music)

(Women cheering)

Okay, okay, okay... Here's the plan.

We've gotta make this quick.

Okay.

We've gotta get him in and get him out.

We don't want him talking to anybody, right?

Especially Patricia.

The only time I want her to see him is on stage.

Smart.

I'm gonna talk to the tech guy.

I'm gonna tell him to keep the lights down low, alright?

See, women are gonna see "Ryan Gosling" and they're gonna lose their minds, right?

They're all drunk and... right?

They won't know the difference.

We gotta get him on stage, do his little dance number, then get him the f*ck out!

In and out!

Yeah, yes!

What was the last part again?

Get him onstage, do his dance, and get the f*ck out!

What was the first part again?

Where'd he go?

I dunno.

What do you mean you don't know?

He's not still standing right behind me?

No, he's not standing behind you.

Jesus Christ, where did he go?

Jeez... f*ck!

He was right there.

He was right there.

You were supposed to keep an eye on him!

My eyes were looking that way.

You know he's f*cking crazy! Come on!

Is it too late to find another guy who looks like...

Goddamn it!

Go, come on! Go, go, go!

Go!

(Gasp)

No! Get him out!

What the f*ck?

Get out of there!

Oh, it's disgusting!

... Got Ryan "Grossling".

Stop it! Stop it!

Bad.

Bad homeless Ryan Gosling. Don't eat that.

Bad, bad. No, no, no.

No more. There's food inside.

Let's go inside, inside.

Food! Pussy! Inside.

Yes, food inside! Come on, come on.

(Women cheering, loud dance music)

Okay, listen, you crazy m*therf*cker.

I need you to do something for me.

I need you to go out there and act normal.

Okay?

(Women cheering, loud dance music)

Patricia: Isn't Üter incredible, ladies?

And he's single, too.

Now, coming up, we have a very special guest.

I want to thank my lovely husband, because he made it all happen for us.

So please welcome Ryan Gosling!

(Women cheering)

Go, go!

(Women cheering)

(Women cheering)

(Loud synth rock, women cheering)

Is he taking his dick out?

Yeah!

Get out there! Stop him!

(Loud synth rock, women cheering)

No!

(Women booing, loud dance music)

(Women booing)

(Disco music, women booing)

Get off!

(Disco music, women booing)

(Disco music, women booing)

What the hell is Jamie doing?

Jamie's, um... dancing.

You suck!

Get out!

(Cheering)

Get him out.

Yes, out.

Yes, yes... Jamie, out!

(Disco music, women cheering, booing, and screaming)

Ryan!!

(Screech)

♪ (Relaxing jazz piano) ♪

Thanks, pal.

You got it.

Patricia: Thank you so much.

Woman: We would not have missed it for the world.

Those men were amazing.

Patricia: Thank you. They're very talented, I know.

Other women: Thank you. Congratulations!

Patricia: They worked so hard.

Hey, congratulations, baby.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

You pulled it off!

Yeah?

Everybody loved the show...

I loved it.

Thank you.

Uh, can I... will you excuse me, ladies?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

How bad is it?

We're broke.

What?

My family's been stealing millions from us.

I knew it.

Why didn't you say anything?

I tried to tell you so many times...

We will be fine.

You still have your TV show.

I quit.

I couldn't take the writing.

And I...

We still have cash, right?

I spent it on Ryan Gosling's deposit.

It was for the show and I didn't want to...

Hey, I just want to say thank you for giving me this opportunity.

Oh, thank you for your amazing talent.

You're a great artist.

Thank you.

You should be proud of what you created here tonight.

Thank you.

But you're still my nanny, or I'll get you kicked out of the country.

(Laugh) I'm serious.

(Chuckle)

See you. Bye.

Bye.

Let's sneak out of here before they find out our credit cards don't work.

Easy.

Okay, okay, easy.

You're okay, come on.

♪ (Smooth jazz) ♪

So what's gonna happen next?

We're gonna have to cut back on a few things.

We can do that.

Instead of going to Whole Foods every day, we can just shop at Trader Joe's.

f*ck that!

I'll sell both Teslas before I shop at Trader Joe's.

We may have to stop drinking water from Norway.

But I love that water.

What am I supposed to do?

Start drinking water from this side of the planet?

That's disgusting.

What about the doggie?

We can stop giving him that organic, gluten-free dry food, right?

His sh1t consistency is perfect right now...

You don't wanna mess with that.

Yeah, you're right.

Come on, let's pick things that make sense.

What if you start flying business class instead of first class?

Once in a while.

No... Not doing that.

(Sigh)

What about your hair products?

You can stop using that black truffle shampoo and conditioner.

I think it's just starting to work.

Can't stop that in the middle.

Look, um...

I'm sorry about all this.

It's okay.

I knew one day you would come around.

When you were ready.

I feel like a fool.

Hey, you're not a fool.

You were being taken advantage of by people who you were supposed to trust.

Okay, I've gotta show you something.

Give me one sec.

Okay, so...

So you got me a hat?

No.

I saved some money because I knew this day would come.

How much you got in there?

Well, enough to keep us going.

Holy sh1t!

Oh, thank you...

I knew that paranoia of yours would pay off one day.

Thank you. (Kiss) Thank you. (Kiss)

(Sigh)

I'm still gonna open up my health food store.

Not with this money, you're not!

We'll be fine.

Thanks for handling this so well.

No, I'm f*cking pissed...

I just don't want to wake up Miranda.

Good to have you back.

(Chuckle)

I have one question.

What?

Who's that guy you got to play Ryan Gosling?

He smelled like a garbage dump.

I'm pretty sure that was Ryan Gosling.

(Sniff) No.

Ryan Gos-almost?

(Laugh)

I love you.

I love you.