01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

male narrator: The American superstore. One-stop shopping for everything you could ever want or need. Do you want to be thinner? Fatter? Happier? Sadder? Are you looking for friendship? Or solitude? Or even love?

That's actually a cubic zirconia knockoff.

It's called PlastiClear.

What happened to the $8 ones?

We're all sold out of those, s.

But this one's only $2 more.

I get it.

You advertise the cheap jewelry to get the suckers in the door, then you push the expensive stuff.

Well, I wouldn't use the word "suckers," or "expensive," or "jewelry."

[sighs]

Fine.

I got to stand in line for cigarettes anyhow.

Great.

I hope you and your fiancée are very happy together...

And that you don't procreate.

Glenn. Huh?

I'm taking a mental-health break.

Okay. Have fun now.

Reflect.

Just checking over your new hire forms.

American citizen. Nice.

[chuckles]

No dependents.

Me neither, unless you count my birds.

[both laugh]

It just doesn't say anywhere on here if you've got a girlfriend.

I didn't... is there a space for that?

There's this section here:

"Is there anything else we should know?"

Some people like to volunteer it.

Oh. Um... then also no.

No.

No.

Okay, well, I will just jot that down, then.

But you are heterosexual, right?

Is... are you allowed to ask that?

No.

Smart.

We always keep the best rolls right in the middle.

[sighs]

Oh, wait. No, no, no. Let me help you with that.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine.

It's fine, I work here.

It's, like, my... it's my job to help customers, so.

You work here?

Since when?

Since right now.

I'm... it's actually my first day.

Oh.

I know.

I don't seem like the kind of person who would work in a place like this.

[laughs]

Yeah, that's why I was so surprised.

I was like, "What?"

"What?"

"Him?"

"What's he doing cleaning up toilet paper?"

I think it's because you just... you have this very intelligent, educated, more cultured quality, I mean, compared to...

Yeah. Oh, hey.

Look, I get that you're complimenting me, but it might sound a little condescending, so, you know...

Oh, yeah, thanks.

No, I wouldn't want to sound condescending in front of somebody who works here.

Right.

[laughs]

[moaning]

Hey, can I run out for two minutes?

This thing is kicking my bladder like it owes him money.

Oh, you know what, I'm actually not in charge...

Yes, of course. I'll take Carly off express.

And Vivian can bag, so take as long as you need.

Ah, thanks.

Little tip: don't let the other workers here know how much better than them you are.

They hate that.

I don't know why, maybe because it sounds condescending.

Welcome.

I'm...

No, no, no, no!

All right, campers, listen up.

I've got an important announcement.

This is your garden variety generic decongestant.

And this is crystal meth, okay?

The tweakers use this to make this.

So stop selling them this, so they can't make this.

That guy told me he had a really bad cold.

He was buying 35 boxes, Cheyenne.

That should have been a red flag, okay?

Use your noggin.

Let's thank Dina for that helpful tip of the day.

Thank you, Dina.

Am I the only one that thinks it's weird that she walking around with a bag of crystal meth?

Hey, listen.

I... I think there might have been a misunderstanding.

I'm not an elitist, so...

Oh, elitist? What is that?

Like, a person who thinks their better than...

You know what elitist means.

Oh, yeah.

They learnt that to us in public school.

Anyway, I am so proud to welcome two new angels to our Cloud 9 family.

Why don't you introduce yourselves?

Okay.

Hello, everyone.

I am Jonah.

And I am... I am excited to be here.

This is gonna be fun, so...

My name is Mateo Fernando Aquino Liwanag, and I'm here to make something of myself.

♪ Spread my wings ♪

Whoo!

See how far I can fly.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yeah, I, too, would like to see how far I can fly.

So...

Saved it.

Thank you.

Now, I used to end these meetings with some wisdom from the Good Book.

But then someone reported me to corporate.

Heck yeah, I did.

Look, I'm a Christian too, but in these four walls, my bible is the employee code of conduct.

We all thank you for it.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I pray for you, Dina.

I pray for you, too, Glenn.

No, I'm praying right now.

I'm praying so hard.

I'm praying harder than you.

I know how.

So to welcome our new employees...

["Jurassic Park" theme plays]

Welcome.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

This is my jam.

["Jurassic Park" theme]

♪ ♪

Hey, do we have any kind of training?

I've just been wandering from one department to another, trying to look like I have purpose.

It works better if you carry a box.

There you go. See?

You'll learn as you go.

Look, man, only a couple things to remember: always show up on time, don't steal, and stay on the floor supervisor's good side.

The fl... who's the floor supervisor?

[sighs]

I got to go get another box.

Hey, can we... can we start over?

I'm... Jonah, as you know.

And you're Ramona.

Nope, that is not my name.

I just don't like random strangers using my name like we're buddies.

Right, like how hookers don't like to be kissed on the lips.

Did you just compare me to a hooker?

No.

You look bored.

Let me help you with that.

All electronics are supposed to be 25% off, but our POS system is down.

So you scan, hit "reassign,"

"enter," "override, yes,"

"reduce 0.25," "enter, yes, yes."

You are not paying attention.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

"Confirm," "enter, yes." Got it?

If I guessed your name, would you tell me if I was right?

[Cheyenne shrieks]

Take this.

Oh, it's so pretty!

I'll make a list.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

Do you know the difference between a stool softener and a laxative?

I'll be right with you, ma'am.

Cheyenne, what's going on?

My boyfriend just asked me to marry him.

I don't want it soft.

I want it out of me.

You know, I hadn't realized earlier that Cheyenne was the lucky girl you'd be proposing to.

Yeah, well, I knocked her up, so my dad says I have to.

[squeals joyfully]

So romantic.

That's how I do it, yo.

100% love.

Bulking agent?

Why would I want more bulk?

Ugh.

Chey, you didn't say yes, did you?

Why wouldn't I say yes?

Um...

Cheyenne, look at me.

I know how easy it is to get swept up in the... romance of all of... this.

But... think it through, okay?

Don't do something you're gonna regret for the rest of your life.

Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna go sleep on it.

[a-ha's "Take On Me" playing]

Hey.

I think I got it down.

No offense, but you're my competition, so I'm kind of actually rooting for you to fail.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

[speaking indistinctly]

Hey!

I figured it out.

We need new shelf flags for the end caps, but we should check the DCPis first, because last time...

What is happening?

Could it be a race riot?

It's so hard to tell in the early stages.

Could be the rapture, but then why am I still here?

Hey.

I am k*lling it over here.

You're only discounting everything 25%, right?

Yeah, "scan, "reassign," "yes," "override,"

"yes," "reprice..."

Reduce.

Huh?

Reduce 0.25.

Reprice 0.25?

That would change everything to 25¢.

[clamoring]

Shut it down!

Shut it all down!

If you sign up for our Heavenly Shoppers program today, you'll save 15% off your purchase, which would drop your price to 22¢.

Stop selling everything!

Shut it down!

Shut it all down!

Sir, you need to stay right there.

Frank, nobody leaves!

Ma'am! Ma'am, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna need to recheck some of these items.

No thank you, buh-bye.

I'm sorry, I can't just let you leave with a whole basket full of 25¢ tech...

Ow!

I have more where that came from, lady!

Oh, I don't think so!

[both grunting]

Attention, shoppers.

Due to an employee error, very expensive electronics are pricing out at 25¢.

This mistake is being corrected, so... stock up quick!

Go, go, go, go!

What I'm trying to say is, this is not 25¢.

[arguing indistinctly]

Sir, no...

[arguing indistinctly]

No two-five, no.

It touched my car; it's mine!

That's not a thing.

It is a thing.

I don't want to be "that guy," but if you had to compare my performance versus Jonah...

Uh, okay.

Yeah, you better hurry up, girl.

You better get that TV.

Stop, stop! Please, I'm begging you!

She's very... she's... they're very pretty, yep.

Ow! Frank!

Y'all don't want to do this.

Please!

[g*nsh*t]

Sale's over!

There's no need to identify whoever it is whose fault this was.

We can all learn a lesson here.

Would that lesson be not letting Jonah reprice inventory in the future?

It might be, yes.

All right. Punctuality.

I do not tolerate it, because I do not tolerate it in myself.

I am an angry man, so I get places early...

Hey... do they allow employees to date supervisors?

I don't know. Why?

Just curious.

Let's always remember, the customer is always right.

Hey, what's-your-name, check it out.

Ah.

I was wondering what was taking so long to stack a few cans.

I just... I wanted to reiterate how sorry I am about before.

And when a customer wants a can of ginger root beer and the whole thing collapses on top of them, how are you gonna feel then?

I was just trying to have some fun.

This might be a cultural thing, but around here, the less screwing everything up you do, the better.

You talking about the cans or the pricing thing?

You see, the fact that it's your first day and there's already more than one option of things you screwed up is not a good thing.

Okay, I've made some mistakes.

I can admit that, but that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun at work, does it?

Or try and find some moments of beauty in the everyday?

Wait, I'm sorry.

Did you really just use the phrase "moments of beauty," like, conversationally?

Okay, yes, that's cheesy, but...

Do you remember "American Beauty"?

Even a plastic bag can be breathtaking.

Wow.

That really blew my mind.

Like...

[mimics expl*si*n]

I have goose bumps.

I felt something.

I'm Jonah.

It's my first day.

[carts crash lightly]

[crashing]

[clattering]

Okay. Stay still.

I don't usually wear eyeliner.

Sharpie occasionally, but...

So tell me about this special guy.

Okay.

Male, Caucasian, no discernible scars or tattoos.

Sounds dreamy.

Yeah.

You know, speaking of boys, I've got a pretty big decision to make.

My boyfriend, he...

I'm glad we could bond like this.

Thank you.

Excuse me, excuse me!

Hi!

I hung up everything that was in the dressing rooms, and I organized it by style, color, size, and relevance of designer.

Wow. Good job.

I enjoy hard work.

It's just like my mom always said:

"If you don't work hard, Baby Jesus will cry."

Okay.

I don't think I could be happy fooling around in the parking lot like the other new guy.

Slow down! This is not fair!

You have more experience on wheels than I do!

Your disability is not my concern!

Seriously?

The only thing I asked you to do was put the carts away.

That's what I'm doing, just somewhat circuitously.

See you later, sucka!

Are you trying to get fired?

What if Glenn sees this?

Coming through!

Move!

That doesn't count.

Go, Glenn! Yeah!

Yeah! Yes!

In your faces!

Your faces!

Ha-ha!

Okay. I get it.

You're the fun guy.

I'm the stick in the mud.

Well, I could be fun.

I could have fun; let's have fun.

Of course you can have fun.

Whoo!

We're playing at work.

No brakes!

I have no brakes!

No... ooh!

Peace offering.

Are those the flowers that I picked up off the floor of the garden center?

Yes.

They're beautiful trash flowers.

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

I have been having a long day.

Ten years of long days, actually.

You know, I stock these glow stars every single year for the back-to-school sale.

And then I take them down, and I put up the Halloween inventory, and then Thanksgiving and Christmas and Valentine's Day and Easter and Fourth of July, and then back-to-school again.

Hmm.

That sounds incredibly not fun.

I see why you love it here.

It's a good job.

But tomorrow is gonna be just like today, and I know that because today is just like yesterday.

So... sometimes... it's just kind of hard to find those moments of beauty.

Attention, shoppers. Even a big box store has to close, and it's about that time. You know, when Pandora closed her famous box, there was only one thing left inside: hope. I wonder what will be left inside of this box. Could it be grace? I hope not. If you're Grace's parents, please pick her up at customer service.

I took the initiative upon myself to reorganize the toy section for the convenience of adult shoppers.

It was just feeling overly whimsical.

I want to show you something I've been working on.

Oh. You were working. Where?

Because I've been in every single department, and I haven't seen you in a couple hours, unless you were in, like, the break room maybe.

Everybody get down on the ground, now!

[woman screams]

Get down, get down, get down!

Touch the ground!

Or get out!

All right, calm down.

Do what I say, and nobody gets hurt.

This is what I trained for.

Now, I'm gonna start k*lling somebody every minute, unless... unless you agree to marry me, Cheyenne.

Hit it!

Hey, what the [bleep]?

Oh!

[dramatic pop music playin]

♪ ♪
♪ I'll say, "Will you marry me?" ♪

I had nothing to do with this.

Yeah, I know.

This is the fault of YouTube.

♪ ♪

♪ Heard you want to walk down the aisle ♪
♪ You're baby needs a daddy ♪
♪ We've been bangin' for a while ♪
♪ All right, I pay the consequences of my actions ♪
♪ Don't try to change me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a man of actions ♪

Yo!

What a show.

I'm calling to report a code green in progress.

I repeat, code green.

What's a code green?

I faxed you a list of codes last month!

Hostage situation!

You need to get SWAT down here right now!

♪ When all these people gonna learn ♪
♪ We're gonna get b*rned ♪
♪ Just waiting for our turn ♪

Yo, #BlackLivesMatter, y'all.

[makes g*nsh*t noise]

Okay, if you like what you heard and saw, I'm currently seeking representation in all areas.

Also, I do modeling, so I'm just throwing that out there.

All right, peace out, St. Louis.

M-m-murr!

Bo.

What?

Oh, my bad, yo.

[clears throat]

Cheyenne Tyler Lee, will you marry me?

Or are you gonna be, like, a d*ck about it?

Oh, I think he's about to sh**t a hostage.

I'll do what I can.

Don't do anything.

[gentle music]

What is this?

♪ ♪

Moment of beauty?

To Cheyenne.

all: Cheers!

May your marriage be as sweet and colorful as this Cloud 9 brand caffeinated malt beverage, without the recall for k*lling college students.

Thank you, on behalf of myself and Bo.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Well, he did make it memorable.

I'll give him that.

I mean, most guys don't even bother threatening to k*ll you when they propose.

You were never in any real danger.

You know that, right?

Yeah, I know. It was a fake robbery.

This is a high-velocity 440-grain lead flat-nose projectile with gas checks and a boxer-primed brass jacket.

If he'd come within 10 feet of you, you would have seen his head explode like a watermelon.

[mimics expl*si*n]

Cleanup on aisle...

I don't even know what aisle it is, 'cause his brains would be splattered all over the sign.

[laughing]

Oh, sh**t.

You know, I wish that we could wear jewelry at work.

Oh, it's so... sparkly.

You know, I thought about what you said about not doing something that I might regret, but then, in the moment, you know, under the stars, it just felt right.

Without you, I would have never said yes, so thank you.

Oh.

Well, I should go bail out my boyfriend now.

Or I mean bail out my fiancé!

Aw.

All right. I got to get going.

Good night, everyone.

Good night.

Hey, wait up.

Wait up.

Hey, I didn't mean to...

That, in there...

I just wanted today to feel different than yesterday.

Well, then you completely failed, because that exact same thing happened yesterday.

[laughs]

But... thank you.

Okay.

I really do have to get going.

See you at work tomorrow, Jonah?

You certainly will... champ.

[laughs]

Amy.

Nice to meet you, Amy.

Yo, you should come with us, man.

We're gonna throw some mannequin limbs in the dumpster and watch garbage men freak out.

That sounds awesome.

It is awesome. Come on.