01x02 - Magazine Profile

[bunniefuu]

[indistinct chatter]

Attention.

Attention!

Okay, everybody look over at me now.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, that's as loud as my voice goes, so I'm...

I'm not sure what to do here.

[banging]

I would definitely k*ll a wolf.

Oh, oh, oh. Okay. Okay.

Today is a, uh, very exciting day, because "Stratus" is doing a profile on our store.

Yeah, ooh!

Oh, yeah!

What's "Stratus"?

Um, only our internal corporate magazine!

"Magazine" isn't exactly accurate.

It's more like misleading propaganda.

No, it's not!

"Minimum wage is maximum fun!"

It is!

"Work it Off: A Guide to Injuries on the Job."

Oh, that is a super fun read.

Ooh, there's a jingle-writing contest.

Bo could enter that.

If he won, he could stop dancing for his mom's friends.

It's my responsibility to show the reporter around, so, please, let's put our best foot forward, okay?

Cheyenne, that means no falling asleep in the bedding department.

I get tired, Glenn. I'm pregnant.

Not today, you're not!

Okay.

Uh, oh, and Sal, I'm gonna need you to take the creepiness down to about a two, okay?

Garrett, um, I love those nicknames you come up with for me, but, uh, some people might see them as insulting, so why don't you just get 'em out of your system now?

Glennda, G-Nothing, Glenngarry Glenn Loss, Glennema, Glenntil Soup, TransGlennder.

Oh, that's a new one.

You got to keep this reporter away from me.

I hate reporters.

My school paper once misidentified me as a scoliosis victim.

I mean, the joke is, my spine is perfect, okay?

I can bench 160.

165 in the right situation.

Okay!

Let's get out there and have a newsworthy day.

Do it for the old, uh...

G-Spot!

See?

You're not the only one who's good at nicknames.

♪ ♪

If you see the reporter show up today, please let me know so I can hide.

I do not want them to put me on the cover.

[laughs]

That's pretty cocky.

Oh, it's not ego.

These corporate magazines love putting employees with disabilities on the cover.

Look.

Wow.

You were not kidding.

And they really gonna come after me, especially with Face Birthmark Tony on vacation.

Yeah, I'll bet, and getting a black guy in a wheelchair on the cover would be like their Holy Grail or something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You trying to say being black's a disability?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Huh?

Now, that's... no. No, of course, no.

I... I have lots of... What?

I listen to Drake. I...

Drake?

No, no, no. I watch BET... sometimes.

I'm messing with you, dude.

Okay.

Good. Thank God.

I've never watched BET.

Yeah, me either, man.

'Sup, fool?

Nice.

Why are you dressed like you're going undercover at a high school?

Oh.

Well, it looked cool on him.

With the reporter coming...

I know I'm not the most exciting person in the world, so I thought I'd jazz myself up a bit.

Come on, Glenn.

You're an exciting guy.

You remember that time when, um, you know, uh... you know.

Thanks for trying.

Glenn, "Stratus" is just a stupid corporate rag.

Nobody reads that.

I mean, maybe if the break room TV is broken and I'm locked out of Candy Crush.

I know that, but for once, it'd be nice to be the star.

I mean, I... I know I'm never gonna be Madonna, but, for one day, it'd be nice not to be Glenn, but to be... Glenn.

Hey, I need you to help me give Glenn a makeover.

Which one of us was she talking to?

Whichever one of you uses moisturizer.

[sh*ts pinging]

You know, I have to say, almost everything works on him.

I guess that's the one benefit of having a face with zero character.

Thank you, Mateo.

You look good, Glenn.

Just remember to maintain eye contact, give a good, firm handshake...

Give compliments, and try to make some jokes.

And smile a lot.

You'll be fine.

Umm... hmm.

Do you have something you'd like to say, Jonah?

A reporter doesn't care about how you look.

They want to hear your big ideas.

Ideas?

Okay. You know what?

It's not "The New Yorker."

It's "Stratus."

They just want some nice photos and a quote saying how great it is to work here.

Jonah, I think Amy's right.

I'm just gonna stick with a firm handshake and an enthusiastic "Howdy-do!"

Exactly.

But don't say "howdy-do."

Rodger dodger.

♪ Cloud 9, Cloud 9 ♪
♪ You better come inside ♪
♪ Because it's hell outside ♪
♪ I don't play by the rules ♪
♪ Sending tanks to our schools ♪
♪ Immigration, deportation ♪
♪ Kneel, dog ♪
♪ Rock the vote ♪
♪ Fracking ♪
♪ Campaign finance reform, b*tches! ♪

[mimics expl*si*n]

♪ Pew-pew-pew ♪

What's up?

That felt pretty good, right?

That was great.

A lot of fun stuff in there...

Yeah.

And I really love the world of this rap.

I just had, like, one thought.

Okay.

Not that I know anything, but it's a little bit, maybe, too... political.

I just can't think of any other corporate jingles that say, "God is a black woman."

Well, yeah.

That's what makes it original, yo.

Mm-hmm.

I just think toning it down might give us a better sh*t.

We need money for the baby.

Now, don't think of it as "selling out."

Think of it as "cashing in."

That's why you're my manager.

Glenn.

Mm?

Don't slump.

Yeah.

Accentuate your silhouette.

Hand on hip, shoulders back, look down on the world.

Oh, she's here.

Hey.

Here's the deal, reporter.

You're in my house now.

You see those security cameras?

I will have eyes on you... at all times.

You understand what that means?

Yeah, no. I got it.

Oh.

Hi. I'm from "Stratus."

Yeah, I'm... I...

I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.

I'm sorry. You...

How about you just...

I'm sorry. You...

Okay, you talk.

Okay, you talk. You talk.

You talk. You talk.

Mm.

Hi.

I'm Amy. Hi.

Welcome to the store.

We're so glad to have you here, Cynthia.

Big fans of "Stratus."

This is our store manager, um, Glenn Sturgis.

Hello. Welcome to meeting me.

Oh.

Oh.

You're a pretty little kitty, aren't you?

What?

[purrs]

Um, how about we start the tour?

Yeah.

Yes.

If you'll follow me, please. Right this way.

Smile.

What was that?

Oh, smile!

Oh, I wondered why...

Hey!

And, as I described to you in the other three aisles, these are standard fluorescent lights powered by...

Wowzers, Glenn. That's a great quote.

Let's maybe move on from the lights now, okay?

How's he doing?

Not so good.

Between the fluorescent lights is standard ceiling.

Okay, so I know what's in the store 'cause they're... pretty much all identical, so can you tell me just something... interesting?

Hmm?

Why don't you tell her about one of your big ideas?

Huh?

Okay. What big ideas?

Yeah. What big ideas?

Your idea to revamp the store.

Shake things up a little bit.

This guy, he doesn't want to just organize the store by product type.

He wants to organize the store by lifestyle.

There would be an aisle for single moms,.

There would be an aisle for veterans.

That's actually... pretty cool.

Oh, uh, yeah.

No, Glenn has... all kinds of great ideas just like that one.

You do?

Yes, I do.

Here's another one.

Framples!

Instead of saying, "free samples," we should just say, "framples."

That's a good idea.

Yes.

You should write that one down.

No, I'm good.

Well, I mean, it's not a bad idea.

Wait, I have another one!

"Shart."

For "shopping cart."

Eh?

Mm.

Yep.

I mean, you could also have a green aisle put organic foods next to environmentally friendly home products...

I love that.

Now, how do you spell your name?

Oh, um, J-O-N...

Oh. Uh, yeah.

Honestly, I was just piggybacking off of Glenn's idea.

Mm. Creative and humble.

You're like... a regular Tom Hanks.

Hey, Cynthia.

Yeah.

Maybe you'd like to come see my office.

It's pretty wild.

I have a calendar in there of normal dogs.

Okay. That's great, Brian.

But I'm talking to Jonah right now.

So where'd you go to school? Oh...

She doesn't even remember my name.

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

Hi.

Would you like to take a picture for "Stratus" magazine?

That sound fun?

Hey!

What are you, deaf?

Oh, my God. He's deaf!

Here you go.

Have another "frample."

Wow.

See how that just rolled off the tongue?

Thanks, Amy.

Why are you here?

Because this is where the losers sit.

Hey...

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Please, enjoy your individual pepperoni pizza, okay?

Glenn, I... I'm just trying to help you.

If you come back over with me, I'll hand her off to you.

It's no use!

I don't have style or substance.

Hey, maybe that's why iPhones never recognize my face as a face.

Glenn, you're being hard on yourself.

I've been here 20 years.

You've been here two weeks, and you already have better ideas than me.

Glenn, that is not it.

Honestly... I think that lady just has a crush on Jonah.

She's interested in him because he's cute, not because of his bad ideas.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think I'm cute?

No!

I do not think you're cute.

I think you look like a person who is cute.

Wait; do you really think that's it?

That she's just attracted to him?

No!

Yes!

Yes.

You know, that kind of makes sense.

I mean, I can't compete with these geisha features.

He looks like a panda and a Disney princess had a baby.

Thank you, Glenn, but I... I do think it also might have something to do with my ideas.

Aww.

Da wittle panda finks he fought of somefing.

[laughing]

Okay.

That's a little much.

Look, now the panda's feeling sad!

Aw, sad wittle panda!

Aw, that's adorable.

Tried to help.

Aw, panda!

Sad panda...

Aww, don't fwink we don't fwike you.

♪ Cloud 9, come inside ♪
♪ Society's a mirage and sex is a prison ♪

Uhh!

Yeah, what do you think about that?

I absolutely love the first half.

I'm just not sure about the second line.

Are you serious?

We've cut so much out.

That's the only part left I even like.

But the first line's just a little bit more like a jingle, you know?

It's catchy.

Catchy?

Nah, na-na-na-na-nah. Okay?

That's not what my music's about, yo.

It's been described as a lot of things, like edgy, dangerous, terrible, but never catchy!

That's not how I am.

Forget this. I quit.

I'm out of here. Uhh.

Hey, look, okay?

I get it. You don't want to sell out.

That stinks.

But a lot of this situation we are in stinks.

You think I want to be wearing maternity clothes to high school, even though I make it work, and I still look really cute?

We have someone else to think about now.

Want to chug these cream sodas like two really good bros?

Ah, no thanks, Sal.

Maybe I can get some eggnog from up front.

When you chug that, it feels like you're drowning.

Oh, there you are.

Oh!

You ran off halfway through the tour.

Yeah, I had to finish some stuff back here.

Uh, hey, listen.

You should really talk to Glenn.

I know he's kind of awkward, but he's, like, the heart and soul of this place.

Maybe you could show me around back here.

Oh, back here?

Yeah.

There's not really much to see back here.

There's a water stain in the shape of a crescent moon, so... um, I Instagrammed it.

It's, uh, got seven likes.

You're cute.

You're cute.

You're like a Jewish Kennedy.

That's so... specific.

Um, but...

I'm not just cute, right?

Like I... I'm not just style over substance...

Does it matter?

It should.

But you're really pretty, and you smell like a pear.

[thwacking]

Hey, uh, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure. What's going on?

Uh, which of these headphones would you recommend?

Personally, I like those.

They got Bluetooth technology, which is great.

Hey. What's up with that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

This has nothing to do with you.

I'm just making this gesture to make sure any photo of me is unusable.

[rock music playing]

♪ ♪

[crunch]

Hey.

Hey!

Hey. Hey. Ha-hah!

About before...

I was just trying to cheer Glenn up, but I should not have said that the reporter was only interested in your ideas because she was attracted to you.

So...

I am sorry.

Don't worry about it.

But for the record, if someone had said that to you, as a woman, you probably wouldn't have been cool with it.

Yeah, I know. That's wh...

Don't worry about it. It's done!

Teachable moment.

Uh, you know, if the roles were reversed...

Oh, okay. Nope, sure.

Attention, Cloud 9 employees: emergency meeting in the break room.

Now!

I'm sorry to interrupt all of your days, but I think this would be a good time for me to go over Cloud 9's policy on inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.

Oh...

You said this was an emergency!

I know what I said.

I was peeing!

I had to cut myself off.

It's very uncomfortable.

Now, before I start this seminar, does anyone have something they'd like to say?

Okay, fine.

Sal and I are having sex in the dressing rooms.

[all groaning]

Ugh.

I don't even like him.

I have self-esteem issues, and I think being with him is a way of me punishing myself.

It's messed up.

Shut up, Sandra.

God, you are such a whiner. Sit down.

Anyone else?

Okay.

Well, then without further ado, please watch this video on inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace.

Oh, my.

Okay!

[scoffs]

Jonah!

Well, well, well.

Oh, my goodness.

[all shouting]

My boy! That is my boy!

Ugh! I just ate!

Is that how people really kiss now?

I think we've seen enough.

Why would anybody be attracted to Jonah?

He looks like a villain on the CW.

Uh, maybe it's because she thought all of his brilliant ideas were inside his mouth, so she had to, like, get in there with her tongue and suck 'em out.

Mm-aww, aww!

Oh, my God.

You will spread your legs for anyone who will write a story about you, won't you?

That has nothing to do...

Jonah.

There's about 50 store rules broken on that tape.

I know.

It is disgusting.

I'm sorry.

And there's just one thing left to say.

You're... safe now.

Bring it in.

[whispers] Wow.

You fit right in there perfectly, don't you?

[sighs]

You've been sexually assaulted.

What?

And...

I was hoping you could start to heal by admitting that here in a safe place, but...

No, no, that's not... no.

You are obviously very ashamed.

No. No, no.

Hey.

[whispers] You didn't do anything wrong.

I wasn't assaulted.

It wasn't an as*ault. It was...

Both of us wanted...

See?

That's what happens.

No, it was...

The person thinks it's their fault.

[approving murmurs]

It's called slut-shaming.

No, he's a victim.

You're the only slut in here, Sandra.

Maybe we should all just stop talking about this.

No.

Or we could play it again and then do the voices of what they're thinking.

Mm-hmm.

Great.

Sorry ev... Nope.

Let's all give Jonah a round of applause, everybody.

He's had a hard day.

[applause]

No. No, that's not...

Bravo!

Drink it in.

Sorry about the r*pe, dude.

I guess my philosophy of life is "dare to dream..."

No...

But also dream to dare.

But also daring to not...

Okay, so the article that I'm writing is about the store in general and not any one individual.

Oh. Okay.

Well, if you do decide to write an article about me, I'll be in the stockroom, waiting.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

Ugh, God.

[sighing] Oh, God.

You are a journalist and a r*pist, and those are the two worst things any person can be.

Now, listen up, Connie Chung.

If you set foot in this store... ever again...

I will bring hell down on you.

[whispers] Let's go.

Hey!

Thank you so much for coming today.

Oh, you're welcome.

You know, you never actually got a picture of me.

Oh, darn.

Uh, but, I'm free now.

Are people still saying "cheese"?

Uh...

'Cause, I don't want to...

Yeah, you know, I wish I could, but this camera only holds 5 million photos.

Oh.

Thanks, though.

Hold up.

You haven't gotten a picture of me yet.

Oh.

Why don't we get one with my boy Glenn?

Yeah. Terrific.

Yeah?

All right.

Yeah. All right.

Hey, reporter!

[groans]

Will you listen to a song for the jingle contest?

I'd love to.

That's why I went to journalism school.

♪ Cloud 9, come inside ♪
♪ Let the savings rain down on you ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

That's... actually surprisingly not terrible.

Really?

Oh, my God, Bo. She loves it.

I'm psyched.

Yeah, it's good. It's a catchy tune.

[squeals]

Catchy?

Thanks.

You know what?

Forget about it.

Bo is the man that I love, and I won't watch him give up who he is, even if it means losing millions of dollars.

Millions of dollars?

Yeah. You can keep your stupid money.

Okay, just to be clear, the prize is a $10 Cloud 9 gift card.

You heard her.

Don't be trying to suck us back in with your fancy-ass lawyer words.

Here's what I think about that contract right here.

[tearing] Ohh!

Rip, rip, double rip.

[mimics expl*si*n]

That's not a contract.

That was the directions to my hotel.

Whatever, illuminati.

[uplifting music]

♪ ♪

Hey, Stud.

Hey, listen.

For the record...

It is none of my business.

It was just two consenting adults making out... next to 80 bags of kitty litter.

But I'm not judging you.

[laughs]

So are you leaving, or...

Just waiting for my ride.

Hey. Let's go.

My hotel's right around the corner.

[laughing] Wow.

So you guys have, like, more ideas to talk about.

Uh, no, no.

It's like you said: I'm just really, really, cute.

That's not what I said.

Like a panda.

The new issue of "Stratus" is here.

Oh, God.

I'm so excited.

Hot off the press.

I made the cover.

[laughs]

I made the cover!