01x04 - Mannequin

[bunniefuu]

[Loud crunching]

This is nice, huh?

Taking a well-earned break with my coworkers.

I feel like I'm finally fitting in here.

You don't get to decide when you're fitting in.

We'll let you know.

I'm just saying... I'm getting used to it.

Ugh.

[Laughs]

Not getting used to standing all day.

That's not a problem I have to deal with.

Yeah, well, lucky you, my friend.

Not luck... lucky... not lucky you.

That's... I don't think you're lucky.

So you think I'm unlucky?

Not... well... you know what I mean.

That's an... it's an expression.

Why don't you just eject right now?

You know, it's so weird that your feet hurt, because every time I see you, I feel like you're sitting.

Try doing this job six months pregnant.

Yeah, seriously. That's brutal.

I didn't know you were pregnant too.

I was when I was 19.

Then I gave birth to my daughter.

So I'm not pregnant now, but thank you for thinking so.

I didn't mean you look pregnant.

I just meant...

Eject. Eject!

I didn't know that you had a child.

I... listen... that's... I think that's beautiful.

Really, I'm in awe of single mothers, so...

I'm married.

Ooh!

You should've just ejected, man.

Why are you in awe of single mothers?

I just think it's... it's very brave to have a child, especially at your age.

Well, I didn't set out to have a baby.

Came from sex.

Right. Sure.

Uh, but you... you bravely made the decision to go through with it.

Well, I couldn't get a ride to planned parenthood.

Well, if you ever need one in the future.

Jonah, I'd prefer if you didn't offer to shuttle our employees to the abortion clinic.

No, I meant rides in general.

What if it was just for a pap smear?

Could I get a ride for that?

They recommend one a year, but I like to go extra.

Make sure everything's up to code.

Okay. I'm just gonna say it.

I'm fine with you driving your coworkers anywhere except the abortion clinic.

Damn it, Glenn, you cannot talk about your personal feelings on abortion in the workplace.

I didn't bring up abortion.

Oh, keep tempting me.

He did!

You are begging me to...

I am allowed to say the word.

I will write you up so hard!

Abortion! Abortion!

I'm recording this entire conversation.

Abortion, abortion, abortion, abortion!

Thank you very much.

You dug your own grave.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I mean, it's kind of unbelievable, right?

They're definitely pretty similar.

Uh, I don't see it.

Now I get why you looked familiar when you started working here.

At first, I thought you were this white dude from my middle school who wore his pants backwards like kris kross, but nah, you him.

I... I mean, it's a mannequin of a Caucasian male.

If that's what you see when you look at me, then maybe this is on you.

Nah, nah, nah, it's more than that.

It's the eyes...

Yeah.

The nose...

Uh-huh.

And there's something about that expression.

It just kind of makes you want to...

Punch him in the face.

A little bit.

Yeah, I don't... okay. I'm not seeing any of that.

I'm seeing... I mean, what?

If anything, he looks like Tom Cruise, I guess?

[Both laughing]

You think you look like Tom cruise?

The mannequin...

Somebody has a healthy ego!

I guess I look like Denzel Washington.

Yeah, and I look like Salma Hayek.

Come on, Denzel.

Let's get back to work.

Okay, Salma.

I just meant that's what the mannequin looks...

Tom Cruise...

[Blue Oyster Cult's "Burnin' For You" plays]

♪ ♪

It'd feel weird giving my baby to a stranger, but I also don't know if I'm ready to be a mom.

I know the feeling.

I was 19 when I had Emma.

I had no idea what I was doing.

I just knew I wanted her to have a better life than me.

Yeah.

I mean, who knows?

Maybe my baby could grow up and be an assistant manager someday.

Yeah, or, um, maybe you could dream even bigger.

Well, Glenn's the manager.

Yeah.

Well, you don't have to make the decision anytime soon.

And you know that if you want to talk about it, I'm here.

Thanks.

I'm also here if you want to talk about stuff.

I've raised a lot of foster children.

Oh, okay. Well, thanks, Glenn.

That means a lot.

And if you do decide that adoption is the way you want to go and you feel weird about a stranger, well, maybe Jerusha and I could adopt it.

Really?

We've always wanted a baby of our own.

I mean, foster children are a blessing, but it's as if you've been driving used cars your whole life.

Just once it would be nice to experience a brand-new one, straight from the factory, that hasn't been all dinged up, you know?

Okay. Well, thanks, Glenn.

We'll keep you in mind.

Great.

Of course, it's up to you.

Bye-bye.

[Distant laughter]

[Boisterous laughter]

It looks exactly like him.

Oh! Oh, hey, man. Meet our new employee.

Jonah, meet Jonah.

He's got my... you put my clothes on him.

That's funny. The name tag, and...

So everybody thinks he looks like me?

Eh, not exactly like you.

You're a little bit more like, "Hey, it's me, Jonah. I like to eat croissants."

[Laughter]

Is that something I say?

It sounds like something you would say.

Yeah, or like, "Have you seen this documentary? It will change your life."

[Laughter]

Sounds kind of British.

"I pretend to like jazz, because it makes me seem cultured."

"I'm Jonah. I peel bananas weird."

Well, that's actually a life hack.

So... The stems create a natural holding stick.

That's why the monkeys do it.

[Laughing]

It's, um... I saw that in a... in a documentary.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

No, honey, not another foster child.

This one would be our very own baby.

[Inhales deeply]

Well, uh, she doesn't know the sex yet, but she did have a dream where Channing tatum told her it's a boy.

[Shrieks] Oh, my gosh!

Word on the street is there's a baby up for grabs.

Huh? Oh... oh.

Yeah.

We're just thinking, maybe, about adoption.

It's a tough call.

I'm so young, and it's a lot of responsibility, but at the same time...

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I'd like to throw my hat in the ring.

You?

Yeah, a baby's been part of my life plan since I was ten.

I've got a crap load of love to give.

Anyway, here are the facts: I have a comfortable lap, I can get a burp out of anybody, and I already lactate as a side effect from some fungal medication I'm taking.

Cool.

It is not cool.

It is disgusting, if you want to know the truth, but in this case, useful.

The point is, if you go down the adoption road, you could do a heck of a lot worse than me.

Like Glenn, for instance.

He'd be a lot worse.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Uh, listen.

About all that mannequin stuff, sorry.

Everyone was just messing around.

Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

I shouldn't have even reacted.

I'm still new here.

I don't want my thing to be that I'm the sensitive one.

Your thing?

Yeah, like, you know, Garrett's the cool one.

Glenn's the nice one.

Cheyenne's the perky, sweet one.

Carol's the one that says "Hashtag" everything.

Which one am I?

You're the, uh, responsible one.

The responsible one?

In a good way!

You're like the house mom of a frat.

Everybody loves her.

They just don't expect her to be the life of the party.

Wow.

Oh, come on. Lighten up.

I'm just saying you're not, like, one to joke around all the time.

[Scoffs]

I mean, at least I can take a little bit of teasing.

I can take teasing.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I had older brothers.

I... teasing does not faze me.

Oh, teasing doesn't even faze you?

No, it doesn't at all. I'm fine with it.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

That's good to know.

It is good to know.

Wh... why is that good to know?

What do you know?

[Laughter]

You baited the bear, huh?

It's fine.

I think it's funny.

It's fine. I'm fine.

This is fine.

Why is he holding the bananas wrong?

It's humans that hold them wrong!

Okay.

I think that is all of our princess party supplies.

I hope your cat has a wonderful birthday.

Ah!

Call that teasing?

Because figure skating is one of the few sports that is also an art.

So, if anything, thank you.

[M.O.P.'s "Ante Up" playing]

♪ ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me help you with that.

Oh, thank you.

You might be carrying my baby.

Yeah, yours or Dina's.

What?

Dina said she might be interested in adopting my baby too.

Dina? Really?

Wow.

Well, whatever you think is best.

Don't stress.

Bad for baby.

[Grunts]

I love you, Mommy.

Yah!

Ha!

So that's what you would do if your baby cried, huh?

Oh, I guess you've heard I'll be raising Cheyenne's child.

Oh, the "H" you will.

You don't know the first thing about babies.

Do you even know how to swaddle?

I used to work part-time at chipotle.

Same principle as a burrito.

Different wrapper and different fillings.

Anyway, parenting's just about instincts.

Oh, I've got instincts for days, lady.

I've got instincts up the w-a-z-o-o.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

That was your baby.

She just got a concussion.

What? That's not even a real...

Oops. Skull fracture.

Okay, there's a difference between...

You stop hurting my baby!

And then real Jonah was standing next to bride Jonah, and it looked like real Jonah was giving bride Jonah away to the gorilla.

Amazing.

Oh, man.

So funny.

Garrett, finish the shift assignments.

I love today.

I mean, I could do the shift assignments, or I could finish eating my mac and cheese.

I wonder what I'll do.

Could...

Go on.

Okay. Let me just...

[Laughing] Oh...

Reggie, thanks for looking at me weird.

I hope you like the meat freezer.

[Elevator music]

♪ ♪

[Birdman's "Dark Shades" playing]

♪ ♪

[Exasperated sigh]

Okay. Shift assignments.

Margie, who shushed me this morning when I was singing.

Oh, look.

You are unpacking stock in the freezer.

Derek, also in the freezer.

Rebecca, who is icy to me, cosmetics.

Kidding!

Freezer!

Um, where's Amy?

Amy is busy.

And you just talked your way into the freezer.

I love to get together with my employees and their baby daddies from time to time.

You know, just so we can all get to know each other a little bit better.

Yeah, networking. Nice.

Let's link it in, G.

Yeah!

Listen; I apologize for the mess on my desk.

So many family photos, you know?

Oh, here's one of me and my kids at the beach.

Such a... such a special moment to share.

Whoa! This chair's got wheels?

Damn, son! Living large. What's up?

Thank you.

Glenn, if you're trying to get us to choose you over Dina, then... not at all!

I mean, it's entirely up to you guys, right?

Well, what are we talking?

Excuse me?

You know, like skrilla.

I'm sorry, what is... that means money.

Bo, I don't think we should sell our baby.

You'd like it if it was your idea.

[Alarm blaring]

Aw, French fudge! Um...

I'm sorry. I have to look into that.

Uh, but I'd be happy to, uh, you know, discuss bribe money...

And skrilla.

Yeah.

Bribe skrilla?

[Alarm blaring]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! Come on!

Please!

Stop it! Come on!

Everything's fine, guys.

It's fine. Relax. Back up.

The alarm means it's too full!

The machine's just a little stuck, and I've got to...

Just need to get this into the... what... what have you done?

Glenn! Every... I'm so sorry.

Oh, god!

I... no... I didn't...

Oh, god! Who is that?

No! You monster!

It's nothing. It's nobody.

You monster! What have you done?

No, Glenn!

[Shrieking] Oh, god!

Okay.

We're just gonna ask you a few questions to learn more about what kind of parents you'd be, so there's no right or wrong answers.

Yeah, just speak from the heart, yo.

Okay. First question.

Are you a pedophile?

No.

Definitely not.

Nice.

So far it's a tie.

Right.

I was trying to get rid of the mannequin because it was becoming a distraction.

Just admit that my fun pranks got to you, and that maybe you're the sensitive one.

No, there's a difference between being sensitive and being annoyed.

You would understand if someone did the same thing to you.

What?

Amy, what are you doing here?

No.

Jonah, that looks nothing like me.

Oh.

Looks like I touched a nerve, huh?

No.

Hey, look at this.

What is Amy doing here?

That's supposed to be Amy?

Yeah!

So sad.

Well, you totally nailed the whole six foot tall, blonde hair thing.

It's the best that I could find.

Or, as Amy would say...

I'm totally blanking right now.

You go. Go, go, go, go, go.

Go.

"I look like a random white girl"?

Mm, nice try.

To get a sense of what our child's life would be like with you, what's your neighborhood like?

Picket fences. Good schools.

Are you familiar with a g*ng called "Los Guapos"?

It's their turf, but, uh, we have an understanding.

So I assume that would extend to my baby as well.

Okay, so if a baby does poo-poo, would you, like, wipe it front to back or back to front?

Front... back to front.

Front to back. Front to back.

What an amateur.

Final answer!

No. Uh, boy or girl?

Yeah, write that. That was good.

Thanks.

Okay, so, uh, I'ma throw you, like, a hypothetical.

Let's say you're, like, dancing around the room, and accidentally, you kick the baby in the face.

How do you say you're sorry about that?

Yo, Chief.

Hey, Garrett.

Check it out.

Shark att*ck.

Ooh, that's great. Hey.

I thought that you should know that there's nobody to let anyone in the dressing rooms, and it's starting to get a little weird.

Well, where is Betty?

Yeah, Betty had said something critical about Lady Gaga, so Mateo assigned her to freezer duty.

Well, you know what?

Let somebody else fix it for once.

This is your fault.

You're the one that outsourced your job 'cause you're busy with a work flirt.

Excuse me?

What? Work flirt? What does that even mean?

Everybody does it. You flirt a little bit at work.

Pass the time.

No.

I got, like, five or six work flirts going on at any given time.

Hey, Jennifer. What it do, boo?

Well, that's great for you, Garrett, but that is not what is happening.

I am not flirting with Jonah.

This is because Jonah said that I was the responsible one.

[Gasps]

No.

Yes.

He called you responsible?

I know.

Well, then I completely understand why you are attaching a shark to the severed leg of a mannequin.

I think my best quality as a parent is that I'm a stable, loving, married man.

So I don't have groups of strange men wandering through my house every night.

It was one man, and not since I installed the deadbolt.

Your brain's a deadbolt.

Yeah, well at least I don't have foster children that I raised currently in prison.

It's a juvenile correctional facility.

Look, I guess you just have to ask yourselves, do you want your child raised in a home with loaded handguns laying around?

Or do you want your child raised by Glenn?

Do not point at me.

I'll point two fingers back at you.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, yeah? Ha-ha!

Okay, you know what?

See?

That's a violation of the code of conduct.

Oh, is it a violation?

It sure as heck is.

Oh, really?

Yep.

Who put that in there?

I did!

I said I'm sorry. What else do you want?

It's just careless to go around saying things like that.

This is how rumors get started.

I was just saying you were being a little flirty.

I didn't say you were banging in the break room.

Come on! Help me out here.

Whoa!

Oh, hey, guys.

Now, that is how rumors get started.

♪

This is not how it looks.

Really?

'Cause it looks like you got a sex doll and you dressing it up to look like Amy.

Yeah.

No.

See, that sounds stalker-y, whereas I specifically bought this doll because it already looked like Amy.

I'm walking away.

Oh, good. More people.

Oh, my god!

Is that supposed to be Amy?

No.

Yes, yes.

I wanted to get back at Amy, and there are no mannequins in the store that look remotely like her.

Which, can we talk about that for a second?

Why are there no spanish/latina themed mannequins?

Oh, no, no, no, we not talking about that.

Let's talk about this.

Jonah, what is happening?

Do you own one of each of us?

No!

I went to a bunch of different stores over lunch, and then I just happened to pass this in the window of a sex shop, and look, it looks just like Amy.

All: Whoa!

Yeah, it does.

Ew!

Jonah, can you cover that up, please?

It's completely inappropriate.

All: Oh!

Problem solved.

Are you kidding me?

This is not a sexual thing.

Amy, you've got a good butt.

[Upbeat music]

Cheyenne?

We, uh... we let things get a little out of hand before.

The important thing is, we are here for you no matter what, and we want to do whatever's best for your child.

So that's why we've agreed to share custody.

Huh?

Yeah.

We're gonna alternate nights and weekends.

Yeah, and if both of us have to work late, then someone else can go home with it.

Jonah. Amy.

Garrett. We'd all trade off.

Like the class hamster each child gets a turn taking care of, this would be kind of the store baby.

Exactly.

Thank you so much, but I think Bo and I are gonna keep it.

You sure?

Think what's best for the baby.

That's what I'm doing.

And you know what?

I think we're gonna be fine.

So this whole day was a waste of my time, then.

Hey. Glad I caught you.

[Sighs]

What is this?

That is a receipt, which is proof that I returned the doll.

Uh-huh. Wow.

You paid a $400 restocking fee.

Yeah, it was actually more than the doll cost.

Um, apparently there's not a huge after market for used sex dolls.

Ew.

Anyway, I figured out what today was really about.

You did?

Mm-hmm.

Did Garrett talk to you?

Because that is ridiculous. That is not what we... you were hazing me.

Yeah.

Yeah, hazing.

That's... it's what we do to everybody.

You got me. You got me.

I mean, it got a little out of control, but you passed.

I passed! I passed the initiation.

Congrats.

So I'm, uh, part of the group now.

Yep, welcome, officially.

Thank you.

All right.

I'll, uh... I'll see you tomorrow.

Yep, we'll see everyone tomorrow.

Right there, big ol' wheels.

Oh, this could be bangin'.

How about this one?

Oh, yeah.

We trick this thing out right, you know?

Get my uncle to throw some tint up on the sides here, so we don't have, like, people peeping in on shorty's little business going on here?

Yeah.

Big daddy in the house, right here.

Shorty by the side.

[Mimics horn]

Stand back. We're taking this for a ride.

Yo, wagwan, selecta, dissin' on my corruption and don't you know here.

Boy!

Yeah.

[Inhales deeply]

[Sighs]

Being a dad and [Bleep].

What's up?