01x10 - Demotion

[bunniefuu]

Can we please try and shoo the toddlers away from the sunglasses stand?

I know that's where they all like to go, but we're getting a lot of damage there.

Also from the lower yogurts.

They tend to just want to put their fingers in.

Something going on with you and Dina?

No. What? No.

I don't know, man, you guys are exchanging little peek-a-boo glances, and it's making me uncomfortable.

Okay. The other night, when we were all locked in the store, Dina kind of... came on to me.

Wow.

Yeah, right?

I didn't know Dina was into fancy little porcelain doll-men.

So, while we haven't caught the raccoon yet, I do feel that we're starting to have a better understanding of his patterns.

So, you tap that?

No, I felt bad.

And I told her that I wasn't comfortable dating a supervisor, and she was cool with it.

Quick thinking.

Moving on, one final announcement from Dina.

[clears throat] Effective immediately, I will be stepping down from my position of assistant manager to associate level so that I may concentrate on... personal matters.

Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that's really, really sad.

I know that I'm gonna miss your constant criticism of me a lot.

I'm gonna miss that too.

Sure there's nothing we can say to make you stay?

Well, you know, there's always...

Oh, too bad, so sad.

Well, let's have an extra fun chant.

Come on, give me a C!

All: C!

Why can't I stop smiling?

I can't believe she's stepping down.

Hmm. I wonder what her personal matters could be.

Hey, Jonah. You got any ideas?

Me? No, I don't... Mm-mm.

Are her birds okay?

Has anybody checked the live webcam?

Maybe she has gambling debts and she had to take time off to do favors for the mob boss that she owes money to.

[gasps] Or maybe it's something else.

No, I wonder who's gonna replace her.

A lot of people have been suggesting it should be me.

Kind of a groundswell.

You know, she did mention a few weeks ago that her grandmother was sick.

Oh, that's great!

No, I didn't mean... No, it's, uh...

I was just saying, you know, like, if I get that age, somebody put a b*llet in me. [chuckles]

[The Fixx's "One Thing Leads to Another" playing]

♪ Do what they say, say what you mean ♪
♪ One thing leads to another♪
♪ You told me something...♪

I'm here, reporting for duty.

Oh, you're gonna be working here?

With me?

Yep. But I don't want this to be awkward for you just because I used to be above you, so go ahead, boss lady.

Tell me what to do.

Okay, well, I'm the boss now, so you better do what I say.

I make that joke. You don't make that joke.

Okay, where do we start? Look at all these fun colors.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Glenn, you wanted to see me?

Amy, come look out this window with me.

See, most people would see a loading dock, but I see a...

I don't want to be Assistant Manager.

But you didn't even look out the window.

I know. Look, I really appreciate the offer, I do.

But it's basically more work for the same amount of money.

Since when have you been in this for the money?

Pretty much from day one.

Oh!

Things are crazy for me right now.

I'm taking these night college courses...

I can't.

Okay. I'll figure something out, I guess... but at least come over and look out the window with me.

[hydraulic brakes hissing]

It is a nice loading dock.

It's a nice loading dock.

Good morning, Ma'am.

Do you want to not look so tired?

Your loss.

Hey, you. Where have you been?

Me... oh, big store. You know, I...

Sometimes I'll run into people, and they'll say, "Hey, have you been on vacation?" and I'll be like, "Nah, I was here the whole time."

I love how you observe things.

Yeah. Listen, Dina, the...

Do you like risotto?

Huh?

I make a nice risotto. I was thinking if you wanted to come over later tonight, I could make us some.

And I have "Hoosiers" on Blu-ray.

Well, that sounds like a great evening.

Yeah. Gene Hackman, so...

Right. Dina, do you think this is really a good idea?

You know, the whole giving up your job thing?

Oh, quitting that job was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

It was?

Heck, yeah.

I was getting a stress rash in the shape of Abraham Lincoln.

But now it's disappearing.

I mean, his hat's almost completely gone.

Why am I going on about it?

I mean, you're gonna see it soon enough.

Um...

But...

I needed a change, honestly.

Ever since my Nana d*ed, I've just been in such a rut.

Oh, no, I'm s... I didn't... I'm so sorry.

Yeah, sweet lady.

But it was probably for the best, though.

I'm sure.

I mean, she would not have been cool with the whole...

I don't really know how else to say it...

Jewishness of this relationship.

Uh, the relationship [clears throat]

Is something that we should talk about.

Yeah. You know, I'm not normally an insecure person, but now that it's all out in the open, I gotta tell you, there was a couple of times where I thought, "Am I being delusional?" "Does he even like me?"

"Like, I think he does." [laughs]

Or is he just stringing me along like some sociopath?"

[forced laugh] Yeah, no.

Nope, nope, that's not me. I'm not a psychopath.

Sociopath.

What's even the difference?

A psychopath doesn't have a conscience.

A sociopath knows what he's doing is wrong but does it anyway.

8:00 tonight?

I can't say no.

[Laughs]

Hate to see you go, but love to watch you leave.

[thud]

God, you look exhausted too.

So I realized the answer to our assistant manager problem has been right in front of us, literally forever.

You're gonna promote Myrtle?

I decided to promote based on seniority, and she has both kinds.

Plus, she has leadership experience.

She was head switchboard operator for the Pall Mall cigarette company.

Uh, yeah, but... maybe you should interview some other people first.

Well, I'm not very good with interviews.

I like just about everybody I meet.

I have virtually no standards.

Okay, well, I could help you find someone.

That is, if you haven't already offered Myrtle the job.

No...

Well, I did, but I don't think she heard me.

Whoo! Ooh! Aah! [laughs]

So, instead of just telling her you were not interested, you said you would go to her house to eat risotto and watch Gene Hackman inspire a small town?

I'm not the bad news guy.

I'm the good news guy, you know?

"Nicole had a baby!" "Aden made varsity!"

"Did you hear about Dean? He b*at Lupus!"

People love hearing good news from me.

Yeah, and you're totally unique in that way.

You need to toughen up. All right, see this dude?

Whatever I ask you, the answer is no.

What?

I need to return this blender.

Oh, okay.

Well, it looks like you've got the receipt, It has not been opened, and you purchased it within 14 days.

Can I give him a refund?

Sorry, no refunds.

What do you mean? Why not?

Yeah, it seems like a pretty valid return.

I do not have a good answer for that.

So...

Why don't we give him store credit?

Would that work for you?

Yeah, that's fine.

No store credit.

I'd like to speak to your manager.

No.

You haven't seen the last of me.

So what was the point of that?

I don't know. I'm bored.

All right, ma'am. I cannot stress this enough.

You need to be... so still.

Like a... statue.

Dina? Do you want me to take over anything near the eyes?

Nope. I'm fine. Learning on the job.

Her eyes are so pretty, though.

I'm almost wondering, what if you don't do any eyeliner at all?

Well, we've got to do something to draw attention away from that chin.

I said don't move.

Or do you want me to strap you into this chair?

Don't look at her. She can't help you right now.

[The Carpenters' "Rainy Days and Mondays" plays]

♪ Rainy days and Mondays always get me down ♪

Strength of a lion. [growls]

Okay, this seems like something I need to know more about.

Oh, I'm working on my presentation for assistant manager.

I'm want to show them that I have the strength of a lion, the intelligence of a dolphin, and the determination of a worker ant.

And this is just what I look like on a rabbit.

I'm sold, but... what are you gonna do for the talent portion of the interview?

Talent portion?

I see we got some work to do.

Okay, so, let's address the elephant in the room.

Why does a pharmacist want to slum it as an assistant manager?

I mean, is this a prank show? Is there a camera watching?

Are we being Plunked?

Just...

Truth is, I need a break.

Have you ever held a dying man's hand in yours while you had to tell him that we don't accept rewards points for his medication?

He literally d*ed while I was holding his hand.

I don't think that's true.

Well, I guess we'll never know.

I got to say, Sandra, I am impressed.

I did not expect you to be interested in this job, but way to go, showing initiative.

[gasps]

Oh.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have come here.

Ow! Sorry.

Sorry.

Is this about the headphones?

What headphones?

Oh! I don't know.

I mean, I didn't take them.

They probably forgot to load them on the truck.

Right.

I mean, if that's what was stolen.

We don't know if something was, first.

That should be the first question we ask, before we make... accusations.

Is this your family?

Oh, yeah.

They're so clean.

Your resume says you have a lot of experience babysitting.

Actually, it just says, "watching kids."

Here's what I'm gonna need. I'll need a 40% salary bump, access to a company car...

Does the position come with stock options?

Um...

You know what, let me answer that.

The position will be coming with stock options.

When I was a teenager, I crashed my father's Hudson Super and blamed it on a Chinese.

Okay, and what about your three greatest weaknesses?

If you don't believe me, then why don't you go check the tapes, okay? Just check the tapes, man.

It's all in the tapes. Check the tapes.

Check the tapes. check the tapes.

Yeah, all right, we will.

You guys actually tape us?

That's so messed up.

Let me make this very easy for you.

I'm gonna give you five seconds to make a decision, and then I walk.

Five... four...

This one's eyes are dead, but this one's eyes are alive.

What do you call her?

Oh, her name is...

Do not tell him her name.

Okay.

[imitates buzzer noise] Nope... offer's off the table.

You blew it.

Oh, I knew it.

Oh, well, so sad.

Thanks for coming in anyway.

But it's your lucky day.

I'm gonna give you one more chance.

Now my demands are doubled.

Okay... ten, nine... Agh!

No, Mateo, your future is not here, in Manila...

It lies in America.

All aboard! Next stop, Ellis Island.

No, Rodrigo, stand back. You're too close to the edge.

You'll fall!

No, Mateo, I want to be the first to touch...

Lady Libertyyyyyyyy...

Oh, my God, you were right, Mateo... you're always right!

It actually goes on for much longer.

I've seen enough. I like it.

You got the steak.

Now it's time to make it sizzle.

Thank you so much for shopping at Cloud 9.

Have a heavenly day.

Next custom... Dina.

Hey.

Hey.

Just on my break, so I thought I'd pick up a couple odds and ends.

Cool, cool.

Famous risotto.

Box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get.

Multiple sizes.

You never know what you're gonna get.

I'm sorry, can you explain the order again?

As you go from left to right, then each one is worse than the one before it.

Okay.

But, If you go from right to left, then... each one is worse than the one before it.

Maybe your standards are too high.

I mean, we're a retail department store.

We're not hiring the King of England here.

I just don't want to hire someone who's gonna make our daily lives miserable.

Amy, come have a look out the window with me.

You know, in times of crisis, good people do what needs to be done, and...

Amy! Are you leaving or just peeing?

Leaving.

Okay. Just wanted to know if I should wait.

[Iggy Azalea's "Fancy" plays]

♪ I'm so fancy you already know ♪
♪ I'm in the fast lane ♪
♪ From LA to Tokyo ♪
♪ I'm so fancy can't you taste this gold ♪
♪ Remember my name 'bout to blow ♪
♪ Who that, who that, I-G-G-Y ♪
♪ That do that, do that, I-G-G-Y ♪
♪ Who that, who that, I-G-G-Y ♪
♪ Blow ♪

Okay.

You're so welcome.

I can't believe we reuse this stuff.

Doesn't seem sanitary.

Well, there's usually not so much blood on them.

Well, even a little bit of blood...

There's never any blood!

Hey, can I talk to you for a second... privately?

Yeah, you can talk to me whatever way you like.

Step into my office.

Okay.

♪ Housewares, groceries, and sporting goods ♪
♪ I know all the departments like a manager should ♪

Good. More street.

♪ Time cards, schedules, have I got your attention? ♪
♪ 'Cause I wanna talk to y'all about Loss Prevention ♪

Mateo for Assistant Manager!

Mew mew mew. Peace!

[pen clatters lightly]

I think you can go bigger.

Okay, look. Dina...

This... this is tricky, um...

[giggling] Shh, you're being too loud!

Sorry, sorry.

Okay! It's not a motel.

Love's just in the air today, I guess.

Yeah, listen.

Dina, the...

There are some things that I wanted to say to you, and I've been having a tough time saying it, so I recorded it on my phone and I would like to play it...

Hey, relax.

Whatever it is, we will deal with it together, as a couple.

Okay, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna press play, okay?

Just... just force myself to press play.

Gala apples, hummus, kale chips.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Skinny girl margarita mix... That's not... that's not it.

Hey, it's okay.

It's the wrong voice memo.

Everything's awkward in the beginning, you know?

When you're still getting to know someone...

Maybe if I sort by date.

Before you've even kissed.

Just one second.

Maybe we should just get that part out of the way.

What part?

This part.

Uh...

Oh, your teeth taste so good.

Thank y...

[phone falls, clatters] Dina, I'm so sorry, but I don't have the same feelings for you that you do for

Oh, I'm sorry.

I felt like I Need to tell you before either of us did anything that we regret..

I'm... that wasn't... I'm so sorry...

I gave you the wrong imprison.

That phone has a really good speaker on it.

An amazing person, and yr friendship means so much-

Dina. Dina!

I just hope we can we can continue...

[sighs]

[whispering] Okay, they're gone.

Wow, can you believe...

That guy was a wuss!

Yeah, he was the worst. Bend down a little more.

I'm trying to look at myself in the mirror.

Mm.

I should say something to her.

But you just broke up with the lady over voice memo.

Maybe just let her chill out for a little bit.

You know what? I'm not leaving it like this.

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, no, no, no, don't...

Attention, shoppers: Are you about to do something you might regret?

We here at Cloud 9 encourage you to reconsider.

Just ask yourself, "Am I doing this to help someone else or to make myself feel better?"

Yeah, I'm still waiting on a shipment for Housewares.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Glenn?

Weren't the shift schedules supposed to come out today?

Yeah, I'm on the phone.

Okay, I just need to know if I should come in tomorrow.

Yeah, come in tomorrow. Sure...

What time?

I don't care! Any time!

No, no, not anytime for the shipment.

Hello?

Hey, Glenn?

Mm?

Is everything okay?

Yeah, just trying to do two jobs here.

I think if I can just start sleeping in tiny little bursts while I'm already blinking...

So, you're gonna try and do both of these jobs yourself?

That's crazy.

What if someone had told Ben Affleck that he couldn't act and direct?

Then we never would've had that movie about Iran, or...

Or, whatever... I'm sorry, I never saw it.

Glenn!

What?

I'll take the job.

Oh, thank you!

You have no idea how hard this has been.

Though it has dramatically increased my respect for Ben Affleck.

Well, today didn't work out exactly as I planned.

Don't bother asking for details. It's none of your business.

But I did k*ll it in cosmetics.

Yeah, you sure did.

You could improve, though.

I'm gonna bring a grip squeezer tomorrow.

You need to control their faces more.

Hey, Dina, listen.

I know I should probably leave this alone, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about the way I handled everything.

I mean, I... you're an amazing person.

It's fine. You don't have to do this.

No, I do, because I mean it. I mean it.

You know, you're gonna meet someone terrific, and I just hope you and I can...

Hey, Mama.

Hey, you ready?

Yeah, I'm psyched. I've never seen "Hoosiers."

Oh, it'll change your life. Let's go.

That was fast.

Look, this doesn't have to be weird, okay?

It just didn't work out. Sure, you're cute, but there's, uh... there's a lot of cute around.

See you tomorrow.

Oh, hey, I should ask, are you okay with birds?

I have a lot of birds.

I really appreciate it, Amy, and I know the job might be tough, but there are a lot of perks, like 5% additional discount, financial aid for continuing education, and... oh, and a closer parking spot.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

You'll be parking next to me.

Open your door with caution, please.

No, they help you pay for college classes?

Oh, yeah, but I think only half.

Half...

Yes!

['80s music]

Huh.

Interviewing for Assistant Manager, Mateo...

Fernando...

Aquino...

Liwanag!

[music continues]

♪ ♪

Are you ready?

Mateo, I'm sorry, I just offered the job to Amy.

I didn't know you were interested.

Oh.

I see.

Congratulations.

Thank you.