02x00 - Olympics Special

[bunniefuu]

[Triumphant brass music]

Housewares!

Baby and toddler!

Pet food!

Okay, I get... I get that Cloud 9 is an Olympic sponsor, but do all the stores do an actual Olympic opening ceremony?

Nope, just us.

Glenn has more company pride than most.

I feel like I've been transported to Rio.

Pharmacy!

Toys and sporting goods!

Is the life jacket really necessary?

Don't talk to me.

Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me.

Our assistant manager, Dina!

I'm not a part of this.

I just happen to be walking in the same direction.

And now, to light the Cloud 9 Olympic cauldron is store 1217's oldest living employee.

Myrtle. Now.

[Lee Greenwood's "Proud To Be An American" plays]

♪ And I'm proud to be an American ♪

There she is! An American hero!

Glenn, you did not tell me you'd be using actual fire.

Yes, I did.

I put it in my column in the newsletter.

Nobody reads "Glenn's Corner," okay?

Did you read my thing on gluten?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, well, it was good.

This is a hazard.

I got a lot of...

How is that a hazard?

No, the fire, not the...

How is that a hazard?

Uh, Glenn.

No, Myrtle!

That's not the cauldron!

Oh.

It's okay, it's just a little baby fire!

[all exclaiming, screaming]

All right, okay, I've got this!

I've got this!

[Fire alarm ringing]

Everybody evacuate the store!

No! Nobody run!

We have an elected store fire marshal who will lead us from the building safely.

Elias! Where is Elias?

You are strong. Women love you. People...

♪ And I'd gladly stand up ♪

Um, I just came here to return these.

Do you have your receipt?

I do.

Okay.

♪ But there ain't no doubt I love this land ♪
♪ God bless the USA ♪

I'm feeling really patriotic right now?

Well, we are breathing in a lot of smoke.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

All right, it's been an exciting 17 days of our Olympic promotion.

A couple of hiccups there at the beginning, what with the inferno.

Anyway, uh, we're not gonna have any accidents today during my closing ceremony.

Oh, no. Absolutely not. Not happening.

No, your ceremony was not only reckless, it was lame, and that's worse.

Like you could do better.

If I gave a crap.

Well, crap away, lady.

Ugh.

Game on.

I am gonna close that ceremony so hard.

I wish someone would close you so hard.

Oh, really? I'd just open myself right back up again.

Excuse me, do the rest of us need to be here?

Yeah, uh, sorry, other stuff.

Okay. Organic apples are on sale today.

Make sure the customers know, and also, uh, Olympian Missy Jones is appearing in-store.

[Gasps]

Wait, Missy Jones?

The gold medal-winning gymnast Missy Jones?

Seriously?

I used to do gymnastics when I was little.

It wasn't at the Olympics, though.

It was at Bev's Tumble Palace.

Mateo, what's that on your vest?

Oh! Uh, it's the Filipino flag.

I just thought I'd support my home country for the Olympics.

Pinoy Pride!

Okay, that's your choice, I guess.

I just thought that, during the Olympics, it'd be fun to pretend that we're all American.

Even you, Sandra.

I'm from Hawaii.

Not today, you're not!

I do love America, but the Philippines is also great.

Yeah, of course, absolutely.

Just that, technically, America's number one.

Well, Glenn, what do you mean, "technically"?

Just as a fact.

That's the saying... "America's number one."

Well, but other countries believe that they're number one.

But America is number one.

'Cause it's first in the world.

That's an airtight argument, though.

Well, uh, first in the world in what?

Being the best.

At?

Being number one.

Of... countries...

And planets.

♪ In my ear ♪
♪ Tell me all the things that I want to hear ♪
♪ 'Cause that's true ♪
♪ What I like about you ♪

[camera shutter clicks]

Just talk to her.

Yeah, I'm going to.

She's just busy, and I don't want to...

Hey, Missy.

Dina, no.

Hi. Dina Fawkes, assistant manager.

Hi, I'm Amy.

I am a big fan.

I'm not.

No offense, I'm just not impressed by celebrities, but I do have an Olympics related question.

Great. Maybe I can answer.

Is it true that the Olympic Village is basically just a three-week-long Slammerama?

Uh, I don't think I know how to answer that.

All the best bodies in the world.

All those synthetic fabrics.

Nobody speaks the same language, so everything means yes.

I'm gonna name some Olympians, and you tell me if you've...

Mm-mm.

[Clears throat]

Honestly, I think we were all just there to compete.

I get it. I got to buy the book.

Okay.

I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm not comfortable talking about that part of my life.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not... I had your poster on my wall when I was a kid, and, um, I dressed my Barbie like you, and my brother cut it in half, but it wasn't personal.

It was... he was just... but he's fine now.

Amy, right?

Yeah.

Take a breath.

[both inhale deeply]

You are the best in the world at being you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Your eyes are like lasers.

I know.

I'm gonna start by naming the weight lifters.

No.

Milen Dobrev.

This is not...

Pyrros Dimas.

Appropriate.

Gleb Pisarevskiy.

Okay.

Gleb?

No way.

Lucky.

Oh, I just love this coffeemaker.

It's the best one we sell.

Look at that.

Made in the USA.

Yep. Uh-huh.

I see that.

You know what I was just thinking about just now?

How the United States has three of the world's longest rivers and the Grand Canyon in northwestern Arizona.

[laughs] It's a beautiful country.

♪ Oh beautiful ♪
♪ For spacious skies ♪

Both: ♪ For amber waves of... ♪

She says stuff that should sound cheesy, but, coming out of her mouth, it's, like, magical.

They say people shouldn't meet their heroes, but I'm really glad I did.

I once paid $200 to have lunch with Terry Gross... from NPR, and she was on her phone the entire time.

When I was 16, I was trying to get a ride to the mall.

When she was 16, she was competing in the Olympics.

That's, like, Cheyenne's age.

Oh, I'm 17, actually.

So, younger than Cheyenne, and she was already a gold medal winner.

$200, and I picked up the check.

I'm just saying, the woman makes conversation for a living.

I can't imagine being 16 and having accomplished so much.

Is this gonna take much longer?

I don't know, okay?

I'm sorry that I'm not a stupid gold medalist!

My daughter's getting married today.

To a lesbian.

Ah.

♪ ♪

I've spent the last few weeks watching people my age be the best in the world, and I'm barely getting through summer school.

Cheyenne, you're just overwhelmed, okay?

With school and... and I remember what it was like having to take all those child-birthing classes and the CPR classes and breastfeeding class...

I haven't been taking any of those!

[sobbing]

Um, okay, Cheyenne?

Hey! Hey, hey! Look at me.

Take a deep breath.

[both inhale, exhale deeply]

You are the best in the world at being you.

Is that from the poster in Glenn's office?

It was better when Missy did it.

Okay, let me try it again.

[exotic music]

I can't compete with this.

It's like Chinese people's only purpose in life is to humiliate me.

So you're trying to make your closing ceremonies compete with the actual ceremony from the actual Olympics?

I need a helper.

How about this?

We start with a fleet of helicopters descending on the store.

Okay, we? I'm... me? I'm the helper?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, how about, instead of helicopters, we go for something a tad less ambitious and use, like, streamers?

Interesting.

We could sh**t them out of a cannon.

Or we could put a cannon on a helicopter.

Ooh, okay, well, and then, building on that, how about none of that stuff, and everybody carries a tiny little flag?

What?

Look.

Maybe we should focus on stuff we can actually pull off.

Okay. I hear you.

Right?

I'm being unreasonable.

Do you have access to a team of white stallions?

A team? No.

Then I'm back to helicopters.

♪ First you gonna say you ain't runnin' game ♪
♪ Thinkin' I'm believing every word ♪
♪ Call be beautiful, so original ♪

Hey!

Look what I found over in menswear.

A good old pair of American blue jeans pants.

Hey, lookin' good.

So casual.

Good luck getting a pair of these babies in "Ma-nai-la."

You know, I... I think he means well.

He's... he's just... he doesn't unders...

It's not like I don't love America.

I do.

But it's not perfect.

You guys are way too into brunch.

I wish Asians were allowed to vote.

And I... I don't really get the whole basement thing...

Hold on... hold on a second.

What are you... what are you talking about?

Yeah, I know... it's a democracy.

One person, one vote... oh, unless you're Asian-American.

Tell me why that is.

I don't know that I can.

Are you... Mateo, you're an American citizen, right?

Oh, just 'cause I'm Asian, I can't be a citizen?

No, no, I'm... I'm sorry.

It's just that I've read about so many situations where parents bring their kids into the country illegally, and then, you know, they don't even tell them that they're undocumented.

Believe me, I have plenty of documents.

I went to the green card store personally with my grandmother.

The... green card store?

Yeah, they sell green cards and knockoff handbags and bootleg "Spider-Man" DVDs.

[speaking native language] ...green card [speaking native language] counterfeit?

[speaking native language] American citizen?

[speaking native language] "Spider-Man"...

[speaking native language] Netflix.

I want to show you something, okay?

See this?

This looks like a stupid person wrote it, right?

Well, it was me when I was five.

I wrote that, and I put it on my wall, and I worked towards it every day, because there's nothing you can't do if you work hard, focus, and believe in yourself.

Wow, that is so cool.

It's very cool.

Can I touch it?

Yeah, absolutely, it's just a card.

It's not magic.

'Cause guess where the real magic is?

Is it in me?

Yeah, bingo.

It's in you. And it's not real.

Magic isn't real. It's tricks.

Done by a liar. Remember that.

The Philippines has over 19 different regional languages.

Hello? Indecisive much?

Where is Mateo?

Oh, uh, you know what?

Maybe... maybe take it easy on Mateo today.

Why?

Uh, well... not just Mateo, you know?

There's a lot of employees here from different countries and, you know, making them say America is the best... that's just... not cool.

It's the Olympics!

It's all about rooting for your country and saying all the other countries eat beans.

Well, but it's, it's also about the countries coming together, you know?

That's why the rings are interlocked.

Oh, I thought it was just a symbol.

I didn't know it symbolized something.

I have to go.

I am appearing at the opening of a motorcycle dealership.

Oh! You're leaving already?

Maybe we could, like, trade numbers and...

Oh, hey. We're not gonna do that.

Okay.

Yeah.

I get it.

Bye.

Oh, my God, isn't she so amazing?

Yeah. Thank you so much for this.

I just haven't been believing in myself.

I'm gonna find a card, write my dream down, and make it come true.

Good for you.

I'm gonna quit school and become an Olympic gymnast.

[pizzicato string music]

So, dropping out of school, that's a big risk for... for a field that's so competitive and which so few people succeed.

I know it's a risk, but I believe in myself.

And back when I took gymnastics, Coach Bev said I was her best trier in her Tuesday-Thursday class.

Coach Bev said that, huh?

Mm-hmm.

I think what Amy is trying to say is that, uh, a lot of Olympic gymnasts train their whole lives, so writing it down a card might not be enough.

Really?

No, that is not what I was trying to say, Jonah.

I was trying to say Tokyo 2020!

♪ I got this sewed up ♪
♪ Remy Boyz, they know us ♪
♪ All fast money, no slow bucks ♪

Bonjour and sayonara, everyone.

I just picked up a multicultural buffet.

I got some, uh, egg rolls from the Orient and pizza... that's from Italy.

Anyway, there's, uh, no reason for anyone to feel excluded.

Now, I think all countries are equal.

You know, whether you're of Mexican descent like Amy.

Honduran.

I don't speak Spanish, sorry.

Or like Garrett... you're, um...

Norwegian.

Wha... really?

Huh... but you're also part, um...

Swedish.

O... okay, um.

Or... or like Mateo.

You're from the Philippines.

I may have been born in the Philippines, but I am trueblue American.

Dane Cook!

These burritos all have meat in them, so I can't eat any of these.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Got to go to school ♪
♪ ♪

[grunts]

[metal squeaking]

♪ ♪

All right, listen up.

We're putting together tonight's closing ceremony, so we need to know if any of you have any special skills.

I'm a pretty good singer.

Okay. Sing "Car Wash" with me immediately.

♪ Workin' at... ♪

Fail!

The vocals don't come in for another ten measures.

Also, you have the worst voice I've ever heard.

What about you?

I assume you have no special skills.

Um, I have highly superior autobiographical memory.

It means I remember everything that happened every day of my life.

Wow. That must be excruciating.

Your life is pathetic.

That's exactly what you said the last time I told you.

April 8, 2012.

Sorry.

This is a disaster!

We got a lot of great stuff here.

Are you kidding?

I mean, this is the Olympics.

They're about excellence.

Except it's not the Olympics.

It's a store that sells discount soda pop and provides a bathroom for homeless dudes.

And there he is.

Mr. Cool Guy Garrett, who doesn't care about anything.

Well, you know what?

I'm not cool.

I don't know how to play the trumpet.

I don't wear tie-dye shirts.

You think those things are cool?

You're off the team.

Okay, fine, whatever.

Sorry, guys.

Forget the whole thing.

I can't.

All you have to do is write it on the card, believe in it, and your dreams will come true!

Oh, hey!

Are you guys doing that Missy-dream-card thing where you write down your realistic dreams?

Uh, realistic?

Yeah, that's the point.

You make your dreams realistic so that you're not setting yourself up for disappointment.

I wrote "go to Mars."

That's a great example.

Um, I think Missy would say... if you want to go somewhere interesting, then maybe write something like, um...

"Go to Disneyland."

Exactly.

Are you insane?

It's super expensive.

[overlapping agreement]

Okay, but you think that... never mind.

Let's try someone else. Uh...

"Nail Scarlett Johansson."

Ah.

Okay.

Maybe more realistically... why don't you try to "nail" someone you actually know?

Like your wife?

Oh, cool, that'd be awesome.

No, it wouldn't.

What I'm trying to say is you may not be able to "start the next Google" or, uh, "be Beyoncé," or "try lobster... ".

No, Carol, that is a good one.

You could actually do that right now.

I'm allergic. It would k*ll me.

Okay, well, then, maybe don't try the lobster, but what I'm saying is you can't just do anything.

If you could, then Garrett could just make himself walk.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Garrett.

That's just the first thing that came to mind.

Well, you know what?

I never tried writing it on a card before.

[marker squeaking]

[sighs] Nope.

Cheyenne, what did you write?

Um, let's see, uh, "Olympic gymnast"?

Hmm...

Thoughts? Realistic?

You know, I don't know anymore.

Yeah, 'cause we could replace this with, um, like, uh, college graduate.

Oh!

Or, um, businesswoman.

There you go.

Yeah, okay, I get it.

You do?

Yeah.

You don't believe I can do it.

Both: No.

No, no.

No, that is not what I'm saying.

Thanks, Amy.

Hey.

If Elias isn't nailing Scarlett Johansson, can I?

[groans] Sure.

Yes!

Ooh, thank you.

Cheyenne.

What?

Now you don't even believe I can sell jewelry?

Oh, come on.

I'm not stupid, okay?

I never really thought I could become an Olympic athlete.

So then why were you...

It was just nice living the fantasy for a while.

You know, like, when you buy a lottery ticket and you plan on how you're gonna spend the money, even though you know you're not really gonna win?

Look, Cheyenne, I know... that you... are destined for greatness.

Sorry, it just sounds cheesy.

I don't know how she does it!

[knock at door]

Glenn?

Uh...

This isn't easy for me to say, but, um, I found out today that I am not an American.

But I love this job and, um...

Mateo. You're an American.

And I'm Filipino. And everybody's everything.

So it's like nobody's anything.

And that's beautiful.

Well, okay.

Okay.

Let me see that pin.

Okay [Chuckles]

Heh.

You stick yourself?

So bad. Right into the bone.

Do you want me to go get someone or...

Just be with me.

I just don't know that I did the right thing.

I mean, it feels weird convincing a teenager to not follow their dream.

Maybe think of it as convincing a teen mom not to drop out of school.

Especially for something impossible.

I mean, I do wish impossible things could happen sometimes, but this is the real world.

[lights clunking off]

What is going on?

[Scorpions' "Rock You Like A Hurricane" plays]

I think this might be the closing ceremony.

That I helped plan.

♪ ♪

Only in America.

But also only in anywhere else in the world, really.

♪ ♪
♪ Here I am ♪

Damn. She got everything except the...

[helicopter blades whirring]

♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪

[Dina laughing]

Whoo!

Helicopter!

♪ Here I am ♪
♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪

Hey, Glenn! In your face!

[laughs]

What?

Suck it, Glenn!

Oh.