02x05 - Dog Adoption Day

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I need two volunteers.

Oh, right here, I'm first! Pick me!

Okay, thank you, Mateo. Who else?

Anyone?

[Yawns]

Garrett!

Yeah, I just wanted to say no.

You're all ingrates.

I hope someone sets you all on fire, and you need a volunteer to put it out.

It's too much for 6:00 a.m., Dina.

I don't think it's enough.

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Okay, thank you, Jonah.

You and Mateo will be in charge of our in-store dog adoption today.

[All Gasping]

Yes, that's right.

That volunteer job was desirable.

That was a lesson.

"And lo, the Samaritan, as he traveled, came to where..."

6:00 a.m., Glenn.

Okay, right.

Anyway, while the rest of you are having normal, dogless days, these two selfless heroes will be in puppy heaven.

I want to be in puppy heaven.

I'll switch if anybody wants.

I don't really care about dogs.

[Gasps]

What?

What did he say?

I mean, I don't dislike them.

I just, you know, I don't really have strong feelings one way or the other.

You're a psychopath.

Sociopath, he's a sociopath.

Is it because they don't like you?

No, no I think it says something about our priorities that we spend so much money on pets when there are literally millions of children without adequate nutrition.

I hope you die.

Okay, I need another volunteer.

Me me me me me me me me!

Sandra, thank you.

Come on up.

And I am glad that you're an animal lover because we have a large number of hornets nests around the perimeter of the store.

That's right, it's not always good to volunteer.

That was another lesson.

[Upbeat Music]

♪ ♪

No, look, I want the sour cream and onion chips.

I can't eat the ones with the ridges on them because they hurt the top of my mouth!

That's part of the experience, Cheyenne.

I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore.

Hey hey, what is happening?

I don't even know who Bo is anymore.

Okay, all right.

Are you kidding me?

You know that's because I never get what I want.

All I ever do now is babysit for free!

It's not babysitting when you're the dad!

Whoa!

Hey, guys, chill.

No, come on.

This doesn't have to wind up on YouTube.

Film one of my impressions instead.

Okay, you want to start something now?

Yeah!

"Hi, I'm Batman."

That was Batman.

"And now I'm the Joker."

Somebody has to clean all of this up.

"You merely adopted the dark, I was born in it."

Damn, tight Bane! Respect.

[As Bane] Thank you.

[Pop Music]

♪ ♪

[Puppies Whining]

[Clears Throat]

I know we've always had this unspoken rivalry.

Not a rivalry, you're just always mean to me.

And not unspoken, you talk about it all the time?

Well, anyway, since we're stuck together, I figured we could at least be civil.

Okay, somebody needs to be in charge of the...

I'll do it. I'll do it better.

This guy doesn't even like dogs so.

See, you're even trying to embarrass me in front of the dog lady.

"Dog lady?" Jonah, she has a name.

Lydia.

Lydia.

Really, Lydia?

Yeah.

Ouch.

Attention shoppers, are you thinking of having a baby, but want to test the waters with something that's not the same at all?

Adopt a dog today.

Hey, you forgot to clock in this morning.

Oh, yeah, I came in behind Elias and got distracted.

What's going on with his butt?

Make sure to clock in at some point so we can start paying you.

Oh, hold up. Wait.

I haven't been paid for the last two hours?

Can't you just adjust the timesheet?

Can. Won't.

Rules are rules.

Are you being serious?

Yeah, I'm being serious, and "what's up" with Elias's butt is he started cycling.

Obviously.

Sh...

I feel like all we ever do now is fight.

We used to have so much fun.

We would talk about everything.

Movies, music, politics...

Politics, really?

Mm-hmm.

But now, I mean, we're supposed to get married in a few months, and I'm starting to think maybe we should move that up.

Wait, what?

Oh good, a wedding!

Because then we'll be newlyweds and we won't fight anymore.

Fine by me.

Just get it over with.

Not on Tuesday, though. I got my DJ class.

I can call my church and see if they have an opening next week.

Oh, and I get points in the gift shop for referrals.

No, Glenn, wait...

Customer service, thank you.

Guys, getting married is not gonna solve all these problems.

Yes, there is a honeymoon period...

Honeymoon period. Banging everywhere.

Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah, and all that banging builds a foundation of love and trust that lasts forever.

No, marriage is hard.

It's a big deal.

It's gonna be one of the hardest things you ever do.

It's not something you just want to rush into.

Okay, hang on.

Do you guys want a black choir or a white choir?

Black choir.

Definitely black choir.

I mean, I'm not really on board with this whole...

Yes, a black choir, of course.

We'll take Lucius and the g*ng, thank you.

All right, I think you guys are all set.

So I'll be back at 6:00 to close down and take the dogs that don't get adopted back to the shelter.

Oh, these guys aren't going back.

I'm gonna get them all adopted.

You might as well find new dogs at the junkyard or wherever.

Honestly, most of them probably won't get adopted.

But even one life saved makes it all worth it.

Wait, "one life saved"?

Yeah, we're an open admissions shelter, meaning we do have to euthanize based on duration of stay.

So unfortunately, most of these guys, they're out of time.

Oh, my God.

That's terrible.

Oh... oh, God no, that's not what I meant.

No, no, no.

Oh, okay.

You won't have to k*ll them.

We have a service that comes in.

I'm dating the injection guy.

Yeah, he's great.

He's divorced. Most of them are at my age, so.

Yeah. Do you sell stamps?

At the register.

Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna just... excuse me.

Oh, and dryer sheets, actually?

Aisle 12.

12, 12. Thank you.

[Puppies Yipping]

I don't know why they bother calling it a shelter.

They should just call it Doggie Death Row.

I don't know why you're so upset.

I thought you'd be jumping for joy by now.

"Yay! Dead dogs! It's Jonah Christmas!"

Look, we only have until 6:00 p.m. to get all of these dogs homes.

And the only way that we're gonna do that is by working to...

We've got to work together.

We got to work together if we're gonna do this.

You up for that?

Yes, it's a great idea.

Great, we'll do my plan.

Just step over the...

Okay.

Do you ever regret getting married so young?

Um, no.

I mean, I wouldn't say regret, but I did miss out on some experiences and stuff.

Yeah, like threesomes.

No, I didn't mean...

Like sex with Italian guys?

More like Nordic.

But I didn't mean sex, I meant life and dating and, you know, stuff like that.

Yeah.

Like, how do I know that Bo's the one?

I mean, my friends all thought I was crazy to go out with Bo when Cole liked me.

Who's Cole?

This guy at my school.

He's like the anti-Bo.

He's like always reading, mature, really sweet.

So why did you pick Bo?

Cause Bo's wild.

He used to smash bang-snaps on his forehead.

Cole would never do that.

He was too busy tutoring or, you know, doing debate team.

Wow.

This Cole guy sounds kind of great.

I mean, it's nice to kind of explore your options.

Even though it's probably too late now, right?

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

What are we doing?

Look, Cheyenne, I just want you to do what's gonna make you happy.

You know, whether that's being with a sweet, responsible guy who likes books and helping people, or whether that's Bo who's a wannabe rapper, who's saving up for a gold tooth.

I trust you to make the right decision.

Thanks, Amy.

You're welcome.

You're so old and wise.

Okay.

44, 43, 42...

What are you doing?

"Employees may take no longer than 15 minutes for their lunch break."

I've been timing you since you walked in.

You got 40 seconds left.

Come on, I needed to re-tighten my ponytail.

I can't go out there looking like a slut.

Rules are rules, that's what you said.

Unless you want to go back on that?

35, 34, 33...

32...

Oh, it's so hot. It's burning my mouth.

Less talking, more swallowing.

God, my mouth skin.

Hey, Bo.

Now I don't want to sway you, but my church is offering a nuptials package.

It includes a future baptism at half-price, no blackout dates.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe jumping into this is, like, a mistake.

Oh.

It's not like getting married is gonna suddenly fix everything.

We're still gonna be fighting all the time, all cramped up in Cheyenne's mom's basement with the baby.

Well, you know, maybe that's the problem.

You're all cooped up.

You're like one of those chickens in the tiny cages that can't turn around.

It makes them crazy, and then they taste different.

The [Bleep] you talking about?

Look, a married couple needs their own place.

My friend Kathy from church, she's a real estate lady.

No, wait, Glenn, darn it. It's 2016.

She's a real estate man.

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband passed.

What was his name?

Jeremy.

Jeremy.

And how long ago did he leave us?

Two years ago.

Oh, bless his soul.

Tell me more about him.

He loved camping, and the outdoors and...

Hey!

Hold on, Mateo, she's in the middle of a lovely story.

No, I found Jeremy in the camping section again.

This dog's name is Jeremy?

Yep, little 2-year-old Jeremy.

That's so crazy.

You and I... You don't think...

Jeremy?

Are you in there?

[Barks]

The carpets were all replaced last year.

And there's a washer/dryer right behind the kitchen.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I was hoping for one of those double staircases that meet at the top.

You got any houses with double staircases, Kathy?

Kind of like a built-in fish t*nk, big enough for, like, a little shark?

Yeah.

Okay.

But wait, look at this kitchen.

So while you're cooking you could just put on some Motown and groove on, baby.

Yeah, you know what.

Actually, I'm seeing a lot of pretty good bang spaces around here.

Got this countertop, this nice little window zone here, and what's up, these floors are like made for it, right?

Yeah, but it's also great for a family.

What do you think?

Throw in that dope brooch, you've got a deal.

No.

Psych, I don't want your ugly-ass brooch.

I'll take the place.

Wonderful. Great.

Yes, I'm thrilled.

Glenn, I assume you're cosigning.

Cosigning?

Wait, like I'd be responsible for...

Yes, in case he can't pay or there's damage.

[Drawer Slamming]

I texted Cole.

Wow, really?

Yeah.

And he came over right away.

He's right over there.

Oh, wow, he's cute.

I know, right?

Do you want to meet him?

Sure.

Hey, Cole!

Come over here!

Okay, just be cool.

So Cole, um...

Cheyenne says she knows you from school?

Sophomore English.

Oh, okay, but, so...

You were her teacher.

I was her teacher.

Uh-huh, yeah.

That's, uh, so...

Don't worry, nothing happened back then.

I read the laws very carefully.

Oh, good.

He's so romantic.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but these dogs are actually celebrity dogs.

Oh, this one over here, he was in a movie with George Clooney.

Oh, cool.

And this one is friends with John Leguizamo.

I think I'll take the Clooney one.

That's an excellent choice.

Not a Leguizamo fan?

[Exhales]

Move, I gotta pour one out.

[Groans] "Employees are allotted one bathroom break per shift."

You took one a little earlier.

I know 'cause I wrote it down.

That was a false alarm. I barely went.

We're talking less than a half an ounce.

What was it they said about rules?

That's right, rules are rules.

You think this bothers me?

I do a thousand Kegels a day.

I could break a walnut down there.

Okay, I have the papers all ready for both of you to sign.

Just as soon as Ricky texts me your Social Security number.

Hey, my boy Ricky's got all my numbers.

Okay, you know what, homies, I've been thinking.

Nerd. [Laughs]

I'm not sure I still love this.

I mean this kitchen, isn't it too open?

I mean, you can be att*cked from any direction here.

[Phone Chimes]

Oh.

That is Ricky with your Social.

Yeah, boy, let's do this.

[Phone Chimes]

And that is Ricky's penis.

Naw, that's Jared's. Ricky wishes.

[Laughs]

♪ Free your mind ♪
♪ And the rest will follow ♪
♪ Be color blind ♪

Go ahead, pick out anything you want under $10.

Oh, that's okay.

Besides all the jewelry here gives me a rash.

So sorry to interrupt.

Cheyenne, can I speak to you for a moment alone?

Sure, I'll miss you.

Thanks.

Cheyenne?

Mm-hmm?

You cannot go out with that guy.

Why?

Because he's a middle-aged man.

And because he was your teacher.

Do you really need another reason?

Cole says we are all teachers and journeymen and thieves.

Isn't that beautiful?

No, it's terrible.

And what about Bo?

Really?

I always thought that you didn't like Bo.

I'm probably just a little intimidated by his talent, and his looks, and, you know, his face.

He's the whole package.

Oh, that's really nice of you to say.

I don't know why he doesn't like you.

I'm sorry, what?

Bo doesn't like me?

Yeah, he says you're a poser.

Okay. Um.

Whatever. That's beside the point.

The point is if I had to pick between Bo and Cole, I would pick Bo.

If those were my only two options.

Okay, I'll think about it.

He really called me a poser?

Yeah, a big one.

Bo's the poser.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, oh, God.

You're fine. You're fine.

You're fine, you're fine. You can hold it forever.

It's like a steel trap.

[Hornets Buzzing]

[Exhales Sharply]

I gotta say, we made a pretty good team.

And I usually hate being in teams.

I can get pretty competitive.

You know what, I actually used to be the same way.

It's why I burnt out of business school.

I thought you flunked out.

Well, I flunked out because I burnt out.

Sounds like you're making excuses.

Well, you weren't there so.

Anyway, the point is I got super stressed about being the best in my class, and I ended up in the hospital with dehydration for two days.

Wow.

Yeah.

I once got dehydration so bad I was hospitalized for a month.

They said it was like the worst case they'd ever seen.

Oh, my God. Really?

No, I was just trying to b*at your story.

Sorry, I'm competitive.

Yeah, well.

We all got our stuff.

I got more stuff than you, though.

Okay.

I want to talk last.

Bo "The Truth" Thompson.

Ya boy, who's got... Okay, all right.

That's plenty. Now, Glenn.

Oh. Thank you.

Yo, it's G-L-E-M.

Okay, I know how to spell my own name, and it's Glenn, not Glem.

Glenn?

What the hell kind of name is Glenn?

I can't sign this.

I'm sorry.

What?

Take the job in St. Louis, Kathy.

You won't miss New York at all.

Christ.

Katherine.

Okay, this was your idea, yo.

If it was just my money I wouldn't care, I swear.

But I have a family, Bo.

I'm sorry.

You know, I get it.

Maybe someday, right?

Get a place just like this.

Mark the baby's tallness on the door frame, just watch her grow.

Sit around here and have dinners together, watching the news, roasting chestnuts on an open fire.

Mm-hmm.

Folks all dressed up like "Exkimos."

Cripes, Kathy, fine, you've got a sale.

What?

Oh, hooray a rental.

I just made $12.

Why you got to be a [Bleep] Kathy?

♪

I'm really not sure we're meant to be together.

I totally understand, but I am sure and I'm the adult here, so why don't we go and talk about it in my car?

Oh, hell, no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. Eastwick?

Mr. Thompson, uh, nice to s... see you.

You flunked me out of English class, and now you're flirting with my girl, son?

Bo, nothing is going on.

Let's just talk this through.

Talk it through like one of the "Voices of Fiction"?

We're not there right now. We're in my house, boy.

Okay.

How do you like that, huh?

I don't like it.

What're you talking about?

Read this book.

[Cheyenne Shrieks]

You little bitch.

Don't hurt Bo.

[Both Grunting]

Oh, my God, the shampoo!

Yeah, hit him!

Oh, God, this is pathetic.

Come on guys, no.

Break it up.

Whoa, someone's touching my junk.

No!

He's so romantic.

No. Come on, put away your camera.

There's nothing interesting here.

Now Brett's got to clean this up.

Come on, guys. Be considerate.

There's nothing interesting here.

[Indistinct Shouting]

The comments are so mean.

Do I look like "a gigantic, red baby"?

No.

Oh, what's the hurry?

Bathroom. I'm off the clock.

Oh, you know what, restrooms are for customers only, and it doesn't appear that you've purchased anything.

Oh, a stapler?

Yeah, I could use this.

Sure you can. We could all use a stapler.

You're gonna pay for this tomorrow.

I don't work tomorrow.

Then the next day.

Not until Sunday.

Sunday then.

Sunday you will pay for... oh wait, I'm not in Sunday.

Damn it.

This is so worth the two hours.

I hate you so much.

Guys, thank you both so much for everything.

So is everything okay with Bo?

Yeah, we're not gonna get married this weekend, but we're gonna be okay.

Yo, Chey, where the dog treats at, yo?

You adopted many dogs.

Oh yeah, I got it all figured out.

The dogs take care of the baby, and the baby grows up and takes care of the dogs.

Whomp. Whomp. [Laughs]

Circle of life.

She gets it.

See, I'm not a poser.

Lets get them to their new home.

This is Ding-Dong. That's Weed.

This is Richard, and that's Snapdragon.

There goes my security deposit.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, you guys really got all the dogs adopted.

Yup.

That's great.

I guess I'll just wait till next week to see the injection guy.

You know what, I'm an adult.

I'm gonna call him on the... I'm gonna text him.

Sounds good.

Cool.

I'm gonna do it now.

[Clears Throat]

Well, nice working with you.

It was nice working with you too.

Hey, you know, I was thinking of seeing a movie tonight if you want...

I'm seeing two movies.

Okay.

Oh, the dogs are all gone?

Girl.

Uh-huh.

Were they cuddly?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.