02x06 - Halloween Theft

[bunniefuu]

Today is a high-alert day.

I can't stress enough the importance of being vigilant and cautious in light of the serious threats we'll be facing.

Dina's right.

So everybody keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary.

Okay? Good.

Let's watch out for people buying toilet paper, eggs, shaving cream, ketchup, your squeezables, your squirtables... everything is a w*apon today, okay?

What about g*ns?

Those are fine.

Incidentally, that costume is ridiculous.

Professor X doesn't drink martinis.

[With British Accent] Yes, but James Bond does.

Ugh.

Oh, come on, Dina.

Stop being the Halloween version of Scrooge, whatever that is.

Oh, Booge!

Boo, Scrooge. I just thought of that.

Yeah, don't be such a Booge.

Put on a costume.

All: Yeah, don't be a Booge!

Ooh, peer pressure from a group of people I don't respect.

Now, that's scary.

I mean, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Sandra's the only other grown-up here.

Actually, I am dressed up. I'm you.

What?

"Shut up, Sandra."

Shut up, Sandra!

[Laughs]

Oh, my God, that's so cool.

You're gonna be twinsies.

No, we're not.

Wait, you guys should stand together all day.

I'm up for it.

Yeah, I'm gonna find a costume to put on.

[Coughing] Booge.

[Soft Upbeat Music]

So let's keep an eye out for teens, tweens, people who look inappropriately large or small...

Are you guys even listening to me?

Hello?

[Indistinct Murmuring]

Nothing.

Yep, got it.

♪

[Spooky Music]

[Wicked Laughter]

It's a... interesting costume.

Yeah, you know, what's crazy are those... the boots.

Boots. Yes, definitely the boots.

I cannot stop staring at her giant breasts.

You know, now that you say it...

There is a lot of décolletage, yes.

I'm seeing it.

You guys, relax.

We all think she looks hot, okay?

No, not me. [Laughs]

I mean, maybe with another personality in that body, sure, ta-dow, but you got to factor in the Dina that lies beneath.

Not so fast.

I want to know exactly what you're planning to do with this toilet paper.

Uh, I'll take extra bacon, extra cheese, and if you can, make it extra quick, 'cause this outlaw needs to get his grub on.

Boo!

Jeff.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, there was a stabbing at the Kirkwood store.

Well, that's boring, but, you know, I'm in town till tomorrow, so, you know, I'm free tonight if...

I know it's last-minute, but...

Please, last-minute is fine. [Chuckles]

It's not like I'm one of those people who can't go on a date unless he, you know, works out and waxes and plucks and bleaches... got to plan at least two or three outfits.

Good. All right, well, then I'll pick you up after work.

That sounds great.

Right?

Jeff?

Hey.

Hey.

To what do we owe this honor?

Oh, um, well, I just came...

Oh, right, the Kirkwood stabbing.

I heard about that. That poor nun.

Not actually a real nun, by the way... just a woman in a costume.

But still, stabbed right in the face... oh.

Yeah.

Terrible Halloween.

Hey, did you see? I'm a hot dog.

I did.

Yeah.

♪ I want you in my life ♪
♪ For all time ♪
♪

Happy Halloween! Bye!

[Laughs] I love how into Halloween you are.

Oh, my God, it's my favorite day of the year.

And later, I get to go trick-or-treating with Emma, which is the best.

Hmm.

Oh, and it doesn't get any cuter than this.

Left and right and whoo-whoo!

Come on, keep doing the candy dance.

Left and right and...

Oh, look, it's working!

It's working! Way to go!

Ma'am, you realize that candy from strangers can contain razor blades and heroin needles, right?

I'm sorry?

Dina, again, I did not put heroin needles in the candy.

I'm not saying you did.

I'm just saying, best-case scenario: Free chocolate bar.

Worst-case scenario: "Trainspotting."

Okay. Thanks anyway.

That's what I thought.

You have to stop harassing the customers.

I will not apologize for my commitment to our customers' safety.

Dina, don't make me have to...

What?

What would you do if you were me?

Oh, Glenn, if I was you, I would've k*lled myself years ago.

Okay.

Dina?

You know, I think I saw some really sketchy types headed for the stockroom.

Sounds suspicious.

Yeah, they were... they were carrying, uh, toilet paper and shaving cream.

What?

Those are exactly the things I said to look out for.

It's like I just talk to myself in this store.

Thanks, Amy.

I was really gonna let her have it.

Has anyone noticed anything out of the ordinary back here?

Well, it's Halloween, so everything's kind of out of the ordinary.

Get out of my way, Janay.

It's Janet.

Why is this unlocked?

Janay, who unlocked this?

♪ Caught up in the rapture of love ♪
♪

Funny, I've never been, uh... never been assigned here before.

Hmm.

Jewelry's a real can of worms in terms of feminism, you know?

[Chuckles]

Uh-huh.

[Inhales Sharply] This is great.

This is great, us working together.

I feel like we never really had the chance to... to... to bond, really.

Yeah, totally.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers, I vant to suck your blood and test it for diabetes.

At-home insulin kits are now half off.

Are you looking for spook-tacular savings?

Because Cloud 9 has it all.

You can get, um, the...

[Stammers]

[Gulps] Uh...

Attention, shoppers, I vant to suck your blood.

Oh, I did that one.

Oh.

Everybody freeze!

There's been an employee theft in the store.

Nobody can leave. I repeat, no one.

Well, sorry, I-I actually just meant the employees.

Customers can leave.

So... unfreeze.

You okay? You look sick.

Sick? Yeah, I'm sick.

At 8:24, a crate of irregular produce was put in the cage to be returned to fulfillment and destroyed.

Now it's missing.

I'm sorry. Irregular produce? You mean rotten?

No, what I'm talking about is lumps, bumps, extra appendages, apples that look like pears, pears that look like guavas.

So we're just throwing away perfectly good food because it's ugly?

Looks matter, Jonah.

You should know that, being the prettiest person in here.

I will be interrogating each and every one of you.

No one leaves until I find out who did it.

Ugh, come on.

No.

No!

What?

No, you can't just keep us here.

I'm going trick-or-treating with my daughter.

Yeah, I have a date... uh, with a good book.

I'm going to a screening of "Nosferatu" at the Tivoli, if anybody wants to come.

Wow, that sounds really terrible.

Okay, listen, none of this is my problem.

Justice does not stop for your plans.

Glenn, you're not gonna let her do this to us, right?

Absolutely not.

Interrogations start immediately.

Well, if it's already starting...

Man.

["Halloween" Theme Music]

♪

So, Amy Dubanowski.

Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect Amy Dubanowski.

Why would I steal a crate of fruit?

I don't know.

I mean, clearly you've been having trouble making ends meet, neglecting your personal hygiene, the old clothes, busted-up shoes, the ratty hair, hints of meth mouth.

Okay, I'm leaving.

Uh-uh, you're not going anywhere until you answer all of my questions.

Did you take the fruit?

No.

Then you can go.

By the way...

What?

That headpiece looks great on you.

Oh. Thank you.

Topics, topics, topics...

Oh, uh, who do you think stole the produce?

I was thinking, okay, maybe Marcus.

He's been to prison before for public peeing.

Really?

Well, I was thinking Mary, because I heard that she's drinking again.

No.

Mm-hmm. [Chuckles]

Alcohol?

I think so, yeah.

It's the... it's the bun.

[Violent Femmes' "Gone Daddy Gone"]

I can't help but notice that you're sweating.

Got any secrets you'd like to share?

No.

You know, some thieves have a tell... like talking with your hand over your mouth.

Oh.

Okay.

You don't have the courage or the intelligence to have stolen anything.

Then why are you even talking to me?

I just wanted you to know that.

Did I steal the fruit? No.

Was it an act of civil disobedience that I admire?

Yes.

Do I know who stole it?

No.

Stop interrogating yourself.

Maybe you put the fruit somewhere and forgot.

One time, I texted Bo that I couldn't find my phone, and then he's like "Hey, dummy, what are you texting me on?"

And I'm like "Oh, yeah, right. Goofy face emoji."

♪ Eyes will turn blue ♪

[Grunts]

What was that?

Do I like fruit? Yes.

What's my favorite fruit? Tropical.

Be more specific.

Mango.

There's something about you I just don't trust.

♪
♪ Gone away ♪

Okay. Let's do this.

Did you steal the fruit?

No.

You can go.

♪ Gone away ♪

What if she doesn't find out who did it?

Can she just keep us here all night?

No!

I have to be home in an hour to trick-or-treat with Emma.

[Sighs]

[Gasps]

[Whispering] Will all employees please meet me in the warehouse for a secret meeting?

Don't tell Dina.

Secret meeting.

Smart.

We all have plans tonight, right?

Yeah.

Why you looking at me?

I don't have any plans. Why...

Okay, well, plans or no plans, whoever took the fruit should just give it back, and we'll just tell Dina that it was misplaced.

Okay?

Yes.

Yeah?

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Great.

So who took it?

Come on, guys.

No one's perfect.

I used to shoplift from the mall all the time.

Mostly black lipstick. I was going through a phase.

But we all do things we regret. So...

I'm not even a member of the Sierra Club.

I just put the sticker on my bumper.

I don't pay taxes.

I catfished my school nurse, and she ended up moving to Australia to meet a picture of Michael Fassbender when he was young.

Okay, does anybody want to confess to taking the fruit?

I have some questions about what Cheyenne said.

Fine. Forget it.

She works at a smoothie stand on the beach now.

Hmm.

I think she's happy.

♪ I believe you can get me through the night ♪

Hey, man, if Dina asks where I am, cover for me.

Why? What's going on?

Between us, I can't be around Dina in that costume.

It's like, my rational brain says that's the same crazy fascist that physically removed gum from my mouth, but my caveman brain says, "Hey, man, boobs."

It's very confusing.

You could just not look at her...

Have you seen my eye line? It's unavoidable.

Fair enough.

Just keep it on the DL.

All right, I got you, son.

Oh, God, don't say that.

Guess who has a crush on Dina.

You?

I called around to other stores.

Obviously, Kirkwood's a no-go with the whole stabbing thing.

But Chesterfield doesn't go through their produce till Friday.

We'll get their uglies. Good idea.

Hang on.

Oh.

Uh, I can't reach my wallet.

There's a slit between the meat and the bun, if you could just snake your hand in.

Um, I'll buy it.

Okay, thanks.

The only problem is that Dina put a guard at the door.

What?

What do we do?

We need to come up with some kind of plan.

Oh! [Giggling]

[Mischievous Music]

Whoa.

This place is lame on a stick.

Really? I don't think it looks that different.

Seriously?

They've got bedding where the jewelry's supposed to be.

It's like, what?

Okay. Produce, produce, produce.

It should be aisle ten.

Okay.

What?

Look how dim it is.

What is this, a nightclub?

Whoa.

This is wildly inappropriate.

Well, you've been acting weird and avoiding me all day.

[Laughing] No, I haven't.

I've just been keeping my head down, keeping my mind on work, you know.

Wow, so guilty, you can't even look at me, can you?

I'm looking right at you.

Excuse me, we're having a private conversation.

Thank you.

Ugly. Ugly.

Wait, wait.

This one looks like Matthew McConaughey.

"All right, all right, all right."

That's really good, Mateo, but we need to focus.

Ooh.

[Both Laugh]

You know what? This one's all nasty.

How about you take one of the nicer-looking grapefruit?

Oh, I don't care how it looks.

Good.

Well, then if you don't care what it looks like, you can just take one of these.

I want this one.

Why?

Because I want it, and I need it.

No, you don't need this one.

Yes, I do.

Okay, just give it to me.

I had it first.

Just give her the ugly [Bleep] grapefruit!

[Clears Throat] Sorry.

I just want you to be able to go trick-or-treating with your son.

Daughter.

Whatever.

That's narrow.

Excuse me.

Hmm?

Where are your bathrooms?

Just back and to the right.

[Scoffs] You're joking, right?

I-I don't believe so.

I'm amazed you guys stay open, honestly.

Hey, Bobby.

I finished marking down the clearance items.

Great!

Why don't you work on the shrink reports?

Will do, boss.

All right.

Wait, is that your assistant manager?

Oh, yeah, Kelly. She's the best.

She was so nice to you.

She's nice... to me, yeah.

Oh, just to the right there.

Sir? Yeah.

There you go. You got it now.

And Susie went to Mexico for liposuction, but something happened, and now she has a bunch of bugs in her butt.

Wow, I'm really rooting for that story to be true.

Hey, uh, what do people say about me?

Nothing.

Oh, come on, come on.

I'm sure you've heard something.

It's fine. It's fine. I can... thick skin.

[Chuckles]

Okay, well... some people think that you wear a wig, and some people think that you have a crush on Amy, and some people think that you're a Sea Org, whatever that is.

Wait, people think I have a crush on Amy?

Mm-hmm.

What?

She's married. That's...

I mean, not that you can't have a crush on someone who's married, but I mean, you know, yuck.

You know, not yuck. I think she's pretty.

But she's not, like, pretty-pretty.

I mean, she's... I don't know. That's insane.

Who's saying... like, who specifically... who's saying that?

Just people. Like, everyone.

Kelly will do, like, anything Bobby asks.

You know, Bobby will be like, "Hey, Kelly, do this," and Kelly will be like, "With pleasure, Bobby."

And then Bobby will be like, "Thanks, Kelly."

Glenn, I don't know who either of those people are.

[Cell Phone Ringing]

Oh.

Hey!

Hi, Mom.

Hi, baby, I know I'm running late, but I promise you I'm not gonna miss trick-or-treating.

Actually, is it okay if I go to Finley's house instead?

Dad said he'd drop me off.

Oh.

Um, I... Yeah, yeah.

I mean, if you want.

Really?

Yeah.

Yes, yes, of course. It's cool.

That just means more candy for me.

Num, num, num, num, num, num.

Oh, sweetie. Hang up.

Thanks, Mom!

Yeah.

Bye, Emma!

It's Glenn. I'm a hot dog.

Okay.

Garrett, Garrett, Garrett, Garrett Garrett, Garrett... Garrett.

What are you thinking about right now?

Hmm? Fruit, maybe?

What kind of fruit... tart little kiwis?

No, I bet you like big, juicy melons, don't you?

Come on, you know what you're doing here.

Yeah, I do. Catching a thief.

[Sighs]

Now, listen.

Just admit what you did, and we can end this right now.

All right, fine, okay? I took the fruit.

Whatever it takes. Just get me out of here.

See?

Doesn't that feel better?

I'm having the weirdest day.

[Slow Music]

♪

Hey.

Hey.

What happened to your costume?

I just didn't feel like wearing it anymore.

Emma wants to hang out with her friends tonight instead of me.

Oh, that's a bummer.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

But it's, you know... it's normal, right?

Yeah, I guess. It's...

Yes, yes, it's normal.

It's just, I just thought I had, like, one or maybe two more years with her.

Yeah.

You know, it's weird.

It's like, you bring home this cute little baby, and all they want is to be with you, like, every second of every day, and then they grow up, and you're proud, of course, but... but also sad and lonely.

Yeah, no, babies are hilarious.

I should probably get back out there.

[Clears Throat]

"I admit I stole the fruit like some Saudi Arabian street rat."

You want me to sign this?

Yes, I do.

[Door Opens]

Stop the interrogation.

We found it, yeah.

Look, crazy story... it had fallen behind something.

Interesting, because Garrett just confessed to stealing it, so somebody here is lying.

[Sighs]

You know what?

I don't know what's going on here, but I intend to find out.

And if I have to keep everyone here all night to do it, so be it.

No!

I'm sorry, what?

I said no! This is over, okay?

I'm the Bobby here!

And if you don't like it, you can go kick a cow!

So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and cut myself out of this hot dog costume and make love to my wife... if she's up for it.

♪ How you gonna do it if you really won't take a chance ♪

♪ By standing on the wall ♪
♪ Get your back up off the wall ♪
♪ 'Cause I heard all the people sayin'... ♪

[Sighs]

Hey.

Hey, come on in.

Ahh. Oof.

Come on in.

I got the seat warmer on for you.

I put it on level one; That's my favorite 'cause I don't think it's...

I think it's, like, just warm enough, you know, where you're...

You can put it on any level you want, is the point.

It's great.

Okay.

Ooh, toasty tush.

Yeah.

Okay, we should go before someone sees us.

Oh, yes, good call.

Mm-hmm.

Do you guys have any plans?

We're seeing "Nosferatu."

Yeah, I don't know why I'm going, but I'm just in a weird head space today.

Which is exactly how you want to see German expressionism.

Mm.

Uh, do you want to come?

Uh... I mean, if you want to.

I don't care if you're there.

You could be there or not be there.

It means nothing to me if you're there, at all.

You've charmed me. I'm in.

What are you in?

Uh, we're going to see some terrible German film.

The fact that it's German is irrelevant. It's silent.

Oh, this just keeps getting better.

All right, I'm in too. But I call both armrests.

Uh, you should probably button up your jacket, though, 'cause it's gonna be cold.

Incidentally, I'm... I'm Brexit.

How has nobody asked me about that all day?