02x08 - Seasonal Help

[bunniefuu]

Oh hey Adam.

How ya doing? Jonah.

Hey!

It's cool. Bring it on in!

Okay, watch the tin.

Oh, I didn't mean to...

I stumbled on the ladder and I fell into your hair.

I wasn't trying to kiss you.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't think it was a kiss.

Cool.

Yeah. I'm here to pick up Amy.

All right. Husband picking up the wife.

[Laughs] Classic.

Uh, how's your, uh, barbecue business going?

Oh, it didn't work out.

Oh. I'm sorry, buddy.

Yeah.

Hey, you know, uh, we... we might still be looking for some seasonal help if you're... you're looking for a gig, you know?

Wow. Yeah. That's not a bad idea.

What's not a bad idea?

Uh, working here.

Jonah says you're hiring.

Oh, um...

That is not a bad idea.

Mm-hmm.

But I think we're all full up.

Yeah. Yep.

Yes, we are all full.

Yeah...

Uh, but you just said... Full of what?

Seasonal help.

But we're not hiring.

Hey, Glenn?

Hmm?

We hiring seasonals?

No, we're all full.

God, I'm so pissed, Glenn.

I mean, I've been here so long and you can't even make an exception for me?

I can't. I'm... I'm sorry.

Come on, Glenn!

No exceptions.

Oh, it's okay.

It's just the way they do things here.

No, no, you're right. I should make an exception.

Yeah, but you're all full up and that...

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Glad to have you.

Amy, you owe me one.

Awesome! This'll be fun!

Ultra cool!

I'm so excited about this.

[Upbeat Music]

It has always been the manager's spot.

I want you to stop parking in it.

There is no such thing as the manager's spot...

[Coughing]

There is.

The manager's spot is the one that says "The Manager."

Are you done?

[Coughs]

Excuse me. All right, thank you.

I'm just trying to get away from that guy's boner.

Okay, everyone. Good morning!

Let's settle down. Um, 'tis the season.

And I'd like to give a permanent welcome to all our new temporary workers in the light blue vests.

Now, I haven't put all the faces to the names yet, but I do know that you are Reggie and... and we now have a Black Todd.

Nope, you'll just be Todd.

Uh, you'll be White Todd? Thank you.

And, uh, oh, and this sweetheart here is Opal, who, at 90 years old, I think is the oldest employee we've ever had.

[Applause]

Oh, and lastly, let's give a big Cloud 9 welcome to Amy's better half, Adam Dubanowski.

[Applause]

Yeah?

No, babe, nobody else gave a speech.

No, it's cool, babe. It's cool.

Um, I just wanted to tell you all not to treat me any differently just 'cause I'm sleeping with the boss.

[Laughter]

He means Amy, not me. I'm not gay.

Anyway, if you have any questions about Amy, come see me.

I've got all the dirt.

[Laughter]

Seriously?

Oh, right. Sorry, Bean.

All right, uh, moving on. Tornado safety...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, not moving on.

I want to know why you just called her Bean.

No, it's nothing.

Is it because you like to eat beans?

Is it because you fart a lot?

Like this gentleman sitting next to me?

It's 'cause I'm small, okay?

When we first got together, it was so cute, the way she'd sleep.

Just like my little naked bean.

[Laughter]

Stop. Please, can you stop?

They like it.

Okay, well, any more questions?

♪ He knows if you've been bad or good ♪
♪ So be good for goodness' sake ♪
♪ You better watch out ♪

Oh, don't worry. I'll clean that up for you.

Ugh, what is the point of these people?

They're so bad, they make Jonah look competent.

I know.

This is the grimmest year ever.

I got a buck that says p*rn is gone before lunch.

No way, my money's on Ladybutt.

You want in on this action?

Uh, nope, I will not be betting on people losing their jobs.

Quitting their jobs. And they're not people.

They're temps.

Come on.

I mean, we always lose a few on the first day.

It's good, clean fun, like the Myrtle death pool.

That thing's been going on for 20 years.

Yeah, I... [Sighs]

[Groans] I shouldn't gamble.

I used to get a little carried away.

[With British Accent] Oh, I'm Jonah.

I'm too proper to gamble.

Where's me monocle?

Mm-kay.

[With Russian Accent] Oh, Hi, I'm Jonah.

I eat macadamia nuts out of jar inside of other jar.

[With Normal Voice] [Laughs] Right?

No, what? No, not "right." What was that?

Okay, all right, I'll take the... the one with the dermatological...

Rashface?

Rashface. I'll take one buck on Rashface.

[With Russian Accent] Da! One ruble from fur hat for glory of Soviet Union!

What are you doing? He's not Russian.

[With Normal Voice] Yeah, well, he's not British either.

Would you mind helping out?

Just finishing this chapter.

Sorry, she just... she loves that book, so...

Hey.

Hi.

Can you maybe not tell any more personal things about me to my coworkers?

It just kind of makes it hard for me to be the boss.

Yeah, sure. No problem.

Okay, thank you. Thanks.

Okay. You're welcome.

I really appreciate it.

Hey, Adam, why don't you maybe move these boxes closer...

Please don't criticize me.

What? I'm not criticizing you.

It sounds like criti...

What are you talking about?

You can't just say that... Telling me what to do.

Every time I open my mouth...

You're taking advantage of me as an underling.

[Sighs]

This is the first year that we're having an in-store Santa, so I am taking the selection process very seriously.

Well, I've had a lot of experience.

Good.

I've Claused a number of department stores.

Okay.

And I-I was trained by Wayne Gunderson.

Way...

Uh, he's a Santa Claus at the Chicago Macy's.

Oh, wow!

He's a legend.

You sound really qualified.

Well... [Laughs]

[Laughs] Is that it? Is that the laugh?

That's it, yeah.

[Both Laughing]

Oh, my God. Oh, wow.

Well, so I have the job?

Well, not yet, my fat red friend.

[Both Chuckling Softly]

♪ Good tidings we bring to you and your kin ♪
♪ Good tidings for Christmas ♪

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, Mr. Jonah.

Hey.

Looks like you won.

What?

Your buddy Rashface?

He found a used condom in the dressing room and just walked out the store.

Congratulations.

Wow, that's great. That's...

I mean, that's really... that's too bad about his job, but, uh, I had a feeling about that guy.

You know, just... just, like, a really... a really good feeling.

Okay, well, enjoy that two bucks.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna. [Laughs]

Hey, uh, you know what?

We should... we should do another round.

What do you say?

Okay, sure.

Yeah, yeah, just, like, uh... just get some more people involved, you know, raise the stakes.

Oh! Oh, hey! Uh, we should do a pool.

I won.

Congratulations.

Out of over a dozen applicants, you're the super six who made it past the grueling yet simple Megan's Law search.

So let's get...

[Cell Phone Chimes]

Oops, sorry. Excuse me. One sec.

Richard, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Look, why don't you just try to move the boxes closer to the shelf and see if that doesn't make it easier?

You mean do it your way.

No, I mean do it the way literally anybody older than 12 would do this.

Is this about the dishes?

This has nothing to do with the dishes.

I was letting them soak, I...

You can't soak cast iron!

Well, stop buying pans that I can't get wet!

Uh, it's a... it's a professional dispute.

Bean to customer service.

Bean, you are wanted in customer service... preferably with your clothes on.

Thank you for that.

Ignore me. Just doing some research.

Okay, smiling. You're not going anywhere.

Excuse me, sir?

Uh, just out of curiosity, how long were you at your previous job?

Uh, 25 years.

Oh.

You know, it's an interesting story, actually.

My father started out as a baker, so I...

It is interesting.

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me? Are you out of your mind?

Stupid bitch.

Excuse me, sir?

Yeah, what?

I just couldn't help but notice you're getting a little frustrated over here.

Oh, a little? How about I'm this close to quitting?

Oh, well, we will be sorry to lose you...

Isaac.

20 bucks on Isaac the Ginger Giant.

Man, this is intense.

I didn't even know we sold dry erase boards this big.

Bought it at a different store.

Who's next?

So we just pick one?

It's a pari-mutuel betting pool with live odds, no rake, and I'm open to exotic bets, okay?

You know, exactas, trifectas, quadrellas, or "quaddies."

[Chuckles]

Or we could all just pick one.

Oh, yes.

Pick one, nice.

Fine, so whoever's temp quits first takes the pot?

Okay, cool. I mean, I...

I worked out all the odds, I guess, for nothing.

But I had fun doing it, so good times.

Who's next?

Hey, Glenn. Excuse me.

Um, do you have a sec to talk?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Now's a good time.

Um, here?

You're hurting my leg.

Okay, look.

You're gonna have to get used to that.

We get a lot of little porkers up here.

Yeah, go on.

[Sighs] Well, I was just wondering if there was any way that we could switch around Adam's schedule just so that we're not on the same shifts.

You know, just 'cause I feel like it...

Okay. Say no more.

I totally get it, okay?

I-I was actually surprised you wanted him to work here, seeing how things are with your marriage.

How things are with my marriage?

How things are with your...

What does that mean?

[Stammering] Not that things are bad.

You know, just that you've been married a long time, so maybe the spark is gone, or...

What?

No, no, I mean maybe you hit a rough patch.

Okay, no, no, Glenn. That's worse.

Okay, um, you know what? Don't listen to me.

I don't know what I'm talking about, you know.

But I do know I got to get back to sitting.

Um... okay.

Well, thank you.

Yeah.

Well, you were absolutely no help there.

[All Talking At Once]

Amy's husband.

Who else?

I got $20 on the old bitch.

I got her listed as "Old Lady," but I got you, Myrtle.

Who else is left?

Uh, let's see.

We have Unibrow, Unibrow 2, Short Guy Tall Hair, and Booklady.

Oh, I'll take Booklady.

No, I wanted her. I hate her.

I hate her too. Splitsies.

Yes.

All right!

The joy of sport, bringing people together.

Which temp will quit next?

[Water Spilling]

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

And that's it next to a golf ball just for scale.

Oh.

That polyp is huge, right?

Glenn said the weirdest thing to me.

Okay, I guess it's Amy time now.

She does that.

Yeah.

He was like, "I'm surprised you wanted Adam to work here, given 'how things are in your marriage." [Laughs]

Crazy.

[Laughs]

Shh.

I know.

It's crazy.

Right?

[Laughs]

Shh.

Ow.

I'm not uncomfortable.

I just keep thinking of funny things.

Anyways, uh, I... I'm gonna go.

[Laughs]

I'll come too.

Sorry. [Laughing]

Oh, no. There's no one to make an announcement.

Why are there all these chairs?

Stupid temps.

Look, the reason they're all eager to get away is because they all agree with Glenn.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good girl talk.

♪

I was just opening up some shampoo boxes, and I think I extended my box cutter too much.

So it's kind of a mess. Who do I call to clean that up?

You. You call you.

Okay.

Well, sorry I don't know how everything works here, considering I just started, and the...

I mean, I-I haven't even been trained on the box cutter, so...

What was that for?

Nothing.

Just felt like kissing you.

Oh, I guess I should start using this shampoo, huh?

[Both Laugh]

[Laughs Loudly]

That's... you're so funny.

[Laughs]

[With Robotic Voice] I am from the future.

[Laughs Loudly]

I am Shampoo Man. I'm coming to get you.

I...

Okay.

I don't get it, but it's great.

It's a shampoo... he's a Shampoo Man.

Love you.

Shampoo Man!

Oh, well, that looks like absolute crap.

Hey. Hey.

Yeah?

How's it going?

Not good.

Listen, so, um, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but it's actually after 3:00, so if you quit now, they got to pay you for a full day.

Okay.

Huh?

Yeah, thanks, but, uh, I need to stop quitting everything just because it's hard.

Right, right, right.

But you... you said you were gonna quit, so now... now is the time.

Whatever.

No, no, no, no!

Not whatever. Not whatever!

No, you... you made a promise, and, uh, I personally would rather be a quitter than a liar, so...

Maybe I'm just crazy.

[Chuckles] Maybe.

Hey.

[With British Accent] My name's Jonah.

I couldn't possibly wager on people quitting their jobs.

Well, you started it, so...

[With Normal Voice] No, what I started was a simple wager where no one got hurt.

You were trying to make him quit, which is so much more awesome.

I wish I would have thought of it sooner.

I wasted a lot of good years.

So the bet's still on?

It's on like Kublai Khan.

You have to be ready for anything because the questions are gonna be coming fast and furious.

Like, "How can you deliver presents to billions of children in one night?"

Santa One.

Elves.

Elves? No. Elves make the presents.

By Christmas, their job's done.

Whoo! Whoo!

Hi, Glenn! He's a horse!

I'm a horse!

Go! Go!

Okay, uh, let's talk about dealing with the Jewish kids.

Hey, man, what you into?

What do you love? What do you hate?

Let's do hate first.

Uh, I hate w*r.

Ooh, well, that's a bold stance.

How about more like... how about this place?

What's the worst part about working here?

I guess not seeing my son all day.

That'll work.

[Run-Dmc'S "Christmas In Hollis"]

♪

Mm, hey, white girl.

You looking real good today.

[Blubbers]

I want this whole floor sparkling.

The floor? You mean the ground?

Heck yeah, I do.

Or if you don't like it, you're also welcome to quit.

♪

You're actually doing it.

Wow.

I just got sexually harassed.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

I really hope you're okay.

Because you feel great.

Okay.

♪

[Shoes Squeaking]

Come in, come in, quick.

Oh, oh, I remember this place.

Yeah, remember we used to...

Whoa, whoa.

What's making you so hot and heavy all of a sudden?

It's not all of a sudden.

You just look really cute in this vest.

Ow. Ow!

What?

What's wrong? What's wrong? What-something's...

It's stabbing me in the back.

Okay.

Oh, I think I found it.

You know what? That's my hand. Let me do it.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Hey, I thought you guys didn't have a large-format printer.

Yeah, I guess we have a large-format printer.

Found it.

All right.

Metal thing.

'Cause when I need to print out banners for my travel agency, you said you didn't have one, so...

Who cares?

I care.

We didn't have banners, and my business failed.

No, Adam, your business failed because nobody uses travel agencies anymore due to a little thing called the Internet.

Oh, here we go with the Internet again, huh?

Yeah, because it exists.

Look, do you want to fight about this printer, or do you want to have sex?

I mean, I want... yeah, sex.

Okay, so shut up.

Okay, yeah.

This next song is very near and dear to my heart because it reminds me of my father.

♪ My child arrived just the other day ♪
♪ He came to the world in the usual way ♪

You should be ashamed of yourself.

You started it. I'm just finishing it.

Oh, I don't know about that.

All it's gonna take is for this tower to fall over and my guy's walking out the door.

Looks pretty steady to me.

No, no, that thing is way too narrow.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby, come on, come on.

Give it to Daddy. Give it to Daddy.

Give Daddy what he wants! Give it to Daddy!

Give Daddy that sugar.

♪ "When you coming home, Dad?" ♪

Yeah! Yes!

Oh, [Bleep] you, you [Bleep] [Bleep]hole.

Come on, baby.

I quit, all right?

Yes! Yes.

I quit.

Come on, baby, yeah!

Told you, I get carried away when I gamble.

You should have seen me last time.

What happened last time?

It was nothing, just a little online poker thing in college.

I had to sell my brother's Camry.

It's not a big deal.

Wait, what?

[Can Clattering]

[Whistle Blows]

Keep smiling!

[Whistling]

Is that opera?

No.

No?

You all right, Glenn?

Mm? Oh.

One of the temporary workers quit.

Oh, oh, that's a shame.

Mm.

But, you know, it happens all the time, right?

These guys quit early.

Yeah, I know. It's...

I'm just disappointed 'cause I hired them from my church's Last Chances program.

But I guess, you know...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Last Chances?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, they're sort of former drug addicts or kids with criminal records who can't find work anywhere else.

So...

[Whistle Blows]

Come on, Santa Three. Jesus gave you knees.

Pick them up.

These poor souls are just looking for a break and you turned this into Thunderdome.

Yeah, I feel terrible.

I didn't realize they were Last Chances.

I did. I thought that was why we were betting on them.

Whoo! Is it hot in here today?

Do I look flushed to you?

What do you mean by flushed? Do you mean tired?

Because you always look tired.

Oh, my back hurts.

That table in the photo lab is really uncomfortable.

The photo lab?

Oops.

Busted!

No, me and Adam...

[Imitates Springs Squeaking]

Oh.

Se... sex.

Yeah, no, we got it.

Yeah, yeah, mm-hmm.

For sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, loud and clear.

After careful consideration, I've decided to go with the applicant I pretty much knew I was gonna go with from the beginning.

Uh, Santa number one. Congratulations.

Ho, ho, ho. [Laughs]

Thank you so much.

Well...

Oh, uh, what did you say this pays?

Pays?

Yeah, how much is the pay?

Well, no... no, you get to be Santa.

I get to be.

Yeah, it... it pays in a thousand smiles.

It pays in the wonder on a little kid's face.

What...

Well, I guess it's you.

Congratulations, Cody.

You're Santa Claus.

I'm gonna be the best [Bleep] Santa.

O-okay.

[Sighs]

Hey!

Hey. Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

We have a good marriage, right?

Uh, yeah.

We just did it at work, so yeah.

Yeah. I think so too.

Hey! Isaac. Hey, hey.

Oh, good, I was hoping I was gonna catch you.

Yeah, well I can't go home till 7:00, or my mom will know I quit another job.

I wanted to give you this.

♪ Have yourself ♪
♪ A merry little Christmas ♪

Really? I-I can't...

No, please.

It... it belongs in your hands way more than mine.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

♪ From now on ♪

You too.

♪ Our troubles will be out of sight ♪

Hey, it's me.

How much crystal can I buy for $200?

Great, I'll see you in an hour, Uncle Kevin.

♪ Have yourself ♪

Gonna get so [Bleep] high.

♪ A merry little Christmas ♪

♪
♪ How many miles left to go ♪

[Dramatic Music]

♪

I hate Black Friday.

♪

Here we go.

This is the Super Bowl of retail.

There's a buzz in the air, a charge that probably doesn't read on camera.

Uh, but over here we have the pre-opening potluck.

Every employee brings a dish, much in the spirit of sharing.

Isn't that a delightful tradition, Amy?

Yeah, I love waking up at 3:00 a.m.