02x09 - Black Friday

[bunniefuu]

[Dramatic Music]

♪

I hate Black Friday.

♪ ♪

Here we go.

This is the Super Bowl of retail.

There's a buzz in the air, a charge that probably doesn't read on camera.

Uh, but over here we have the pre-opening potluck.

Every employee brings a dish, much in the spirit of sharing.

Isn't that a delightful tradition, Amy?

Yeah, I love waking up at 3:00 a.m. to eat Sandra's cold spinach casserole.

It's meant to be served cold.

Sorry.

Okay, Garrett, any advice for my first Black Friday?

Get that camera out my face.

All right, not a morning person.

Cheyenne, how about you?

How're you feeling?

I'm okay.

I think I hit something with my car, but I was too tired to check.

Well, that's alarming.

Okay, attention, everyone.

Black Friday is the most important day of the year.

And the key to getting through it is to stay calm.

No matter what happens, I am gonna stay Obama cool.

Okay, Chris, we all know how you feel about Obama.

You can stay George W. Bush cool.

Remember how calm he was on 9/11?

Well, not that this is gonna be 9/11.

This is gonna be better than 9/11.

No, why do I keep saying 9/11?

What's 9/11?

You didn't hear?

All right, everybody, focus up.

Today, you need to prepare for the worst.

If you find yourself in a jam, remember the word ACT: Assess, Communicate, Take Action.

Assess: Assess the situation.

Communicate: Communicate.

TAKE ACTION: Take action.

I don't really need to explain it.

Amy?

Thank you, Deen.

All right, I want a minimum of five employees in each zone, eight in Electronics, obviously in rolling, two-person pigeon teams.

All RMDs need to have the right CPOs.

We'll assimilate any dead stock for TKTs at the end of the day.

Got it?

All: Got it.

Jonah, can you please be in charge of tracking the UPTs and logging them in the T7?

Yes, I certainly can.

I just made that up. You're on spills and trash.

Cool.

Okay, break.

[Yogi'S "Burial"]

♪ Hold up, this the game, it chose us ♪
♪ Pioneer started on my corner like the cold crush ♪

You can do this. You can do this.

♪ Like a gold rush ♪
♪ The sayin', "Live fast and die young... ♪"

Black Friday? What?

Not afraid of you.

♪ Perfect way that showed us ♪
♪ Showed me how to burn the block down ♪
♪ Before it slows up ♪
♪ Before the window of opportunity close up ♪

Please, everybody keep back and in line.

It's a fire hazard.

Also, if anyone finds a green hair thingy, it's mine.

I dropped it on the way in.

Green hair thingy.

Super cute.

Hey, any way you guys could set aside one of those 60-inch flat-screens for me?

Um, do you see this?

It's called a line.

So no, I can't.

I'll give you 40 bucks.

It wouldn't be fair.

Each.

Oh...

Hey, Tate, how's it going?

It's going fantastic.

Great.

Nobody gets their prescriptions filled on Black Friday, so I got all the time I want to work on my screenplay.

Oh.

It's about a pharmacist, obviously, who invents a pill that allows you to use all of your brain.

Oh, like "Limitless."

Not like "Limitless"! All right.

Why do people keep saying it's like "Limitless"?

It's inspired by "Limitless."

Okay, uh, quick question.

Um, I'm trying to stay relaxed today, so Jerusha gave me these pills that she got after her train accident.

I just want to make sure I won't get hooked.

Alprazolam, Good, good times.

Yeah, it's a low dose. You should be okay.

Oh, okay.

Have you had anything to drink today?

Uh, just three mugs of juice.

I think you'll be fine.

Okay.

No, I lied. It was seven mugs.

I just didn't want you to judge me.

That's too much juice, Glenn.

Pretend I'm not here.

Why pretend when you could really just not be here?

You know, everybody here is so jaded.

This is exciting! This is fun.

This is, like, the closest our country has to the running with the bulls in Pamplona.

Ugh.

Okay, I'll shut up, sorry.

Wow, I just got really nauseous all of a sudden.

Nauseated.

I'm so sorry. That's, like, a reflex a mine.

I'm working on it.

It's weird. I never get sick.

It's like when...

Finish this.

Okay.

Mm-hmm... mm-hmm.

No, I don't know for sure.

I'm just saying that I might be.

Yes, we did, in the photo lab at work, remember?

Who cares who initiated it, Adam?

Wow.

All right, everybody, get ready.

Store is set to open in exactly one minute.

60, 59...

You don't have to say all the numbers.

60, 61... yeah, that's right.

I'm going up now.

Okay, uh, one last thought before we open that if you apply...

[Indistinct Screaming]

Whoa, whoa.

Yes, you can get pregnant from that angle.

You can get pregnant from any angle.

What?

No, I can't... I can't hear you.

Ow!

If I could just get everybody describing what Black Friday means to them, that would be gr...

Hey, that's a new camera.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.

Apparently Black Friday has begun.

From all of us here at Cloud 9, have a great Purge.

[Tense Music]

♪

Okay, well, we're, uh, only five minutes in, and already the, uh, beer tower display got knocked over onto Miles, so he's gone, and aisle 12 is covered with blood and glass.

But, uh, it's all... it's all good, boo.

I'm keeping it 100.

That's not what that means.

No?

Um, Glenn, I'm feeling a little bit sick.

No, Amy, do not fall apart on me, okay?

You just need to stay calm.

I need to go.

What?

Attention, shoppers.

Cloud 9 brand tablets are half off.

The Halo Fog has an HD display and boasts a battery life of about 45 minutes.

Hey, I need you to work the register while Tim's in the bathroom.

Nah, I don't do registers.

Look, I know that it's really the hip thing for you millennials to not give a crap...

That's not true, and we're the same age, but please, go on.

It's all hands on deck, so quit your Myspacing and get on the register.

That's an order.

All right.

Let me just finish this announcement.

Fine, but the second you're done, I want you on register three.

The second I'm done.

You can also view thousands of movies on the Halo Fog.

I will now list some of the movies that are probably on there.

"Mrs. Doubtfire," "Silence of the Lambs," that one where Nicolas Cage switches faces and says he's gonna eat a peach for hours... ooh, "Forrest Gump."

That's a good movie.

Excuse me, do you have any more of these espresso makers in the back?

I think so, yeah.

Okay, could you get me one?

It's all the way in the back.

Yeah, a lot of people need stuff right now.

How do we decide who to help first?

Is it you? Is it them?

You, them?

You?

Ew, no.

I want a bribe.

Oh, God.

Hey, Tate.

What?

Um, do you have any extra pregnancy tests back here?

Of course. Why do you need them?

Oh. [Laughing]

Mm-mm-mm!

Someone's a dirty bird.

Didn't think you had it in you.

Oh, no, I mean, I wouldn't call myself a filmmaker, like, capital F.

Oh, is this for you?

We'll see how it all cuts together in the end.

Extra dirty for a naughty little girl.

Okay, you pervert, just give me the pregnancy test!

No, this wasn't... Oh, II was just...

I had to keep...

I didn't...

Sucks we lost the Rams, huh?

Oh, I'm looking for a little girl.

She has a big bow in her hair.

She's carrying a Baby Fashion Girl.

Okay, relax, we're gonna find her.

The important thing to do, though, is stay calm.

And see? There she is, doing fine.

It's all good.

Thank God.

Trevor, we got a Baby Fashion Girl!

[Crying]

And then Jenny dies of what is implied to be AIDS.

But we don't know.

And he puts Haley Joel Osment on a bus, and guess what?

Same bus driver from the beginning.

What are you still doing here?

You're supposed to be on the register.

You said I could finish the announcement.

Yeah, that was ten minutes ago.

It's a very long announcement.

Next up, "Apollo 13."

I see what you're doing here.

In this film, Tom Hanks is a spaceman whose life is saved by a bunch of nerds.

Were you just waiting for me?

N-no, I didn't even know you were...

I was just checking out the fliers here.

Sal's looking for a roommate, so that's, uh...

[Sighs] It's negative.

I am not pregnant.

Oh, I'm so sorry... or happy for you.

I don't... whatever applies to your... you.

Well, it's complicated, 'cause, you know, at first I was really panicked, and, I don't know, I started having other feelings...

Oh, God, And I'm just trying to...

Okay, d*ck, sorry I'm boring you.

No, no, it's not...

I... I just suddenly...

Out of my way, Rodriguez.

Oh.

Okay, everyone, here's the sitch: It appears that everyone in the store got very ill from food poisoning, probably from our potluck.

Oh well, sacré bleu.

You know, stuff happens.

As you can see, though, I am, uh... I am staying very calm.

I took a pill.

I don't think it did anything, though.

Oh, I like this store.

I just wanna go home.

I can't do this.

I'm one of those people who hates being sick.

Hot take, Mateo.

All right, we've lost half our staff.

We are what's left.

Sandra, you're off of go-backs.

I need you to cross-check Housewares.

Heather and Brett, you guys are on opposite puking cycles, right?

So you can switch off.

And, um, Myrtle, I'm gonna need you to start folding, like, 1,000 times faster.

You got it. Full steam ahead!

And then there's the one where Tom Hanks is in the airport the whole time.

Honestly, I checked out on that one.

Anybody see "Sully"?

I didn't.

Ugh, I don't feel so hot.

I got to take a break, y'all.

Oh.

If you're done with the announcement, register three could use a hand.

See? I don't give up.

Neither do I.

Don't forget about "Polar Express."

Merry Christmas, kids.

It's a nightmare.

Excuse me.

[Walkie-Talkie Buzzes]

Amy, uh, I need your key to the razor case.

Yeah, okay, just give me a sec.

I'm in... Bedding.

Roger.

Amy?

Jonah?

Hey.

Yeah, the line in the ladies' room was really long, so...

Got it. No, no, no.

Please, uh, make your... self at home.

Thanks.

Hey, uh, you know why they call it Black Friday?

We really don't have to make conversation.

Okay, okay, cool.

We can just...

Yep.

Be quiet.

Okay.

That's fine.

Total silence.

[Indistinct Yelling]

And then the volleyball floats away.

And weirdly, you're sad about it.

At least I was.

Oh. [Sighs]

I feel like my insides are crawling through my skin.

Can I have a sip of that?

Sure.

20 bucks.

For a sip of Pepto?

I'll just go buy my own.

You know, I think someone already bought them all.

Hm. Well, well, well.

Who's all grown up?

It's called w*r profiteering.

I learned about it in Social Studies.

I'm relieved, by the way, about not being pregnant.

Oh.

You were asking earlier, so...

Oh, oh, uh, good.

Yeah, no, I... I don't blame you.

That's... one child is... is enough.

I've always thought I wanted, like, two or three.

Oh.

Yeah, I mean, I think maybe I still do, just not with... with, you know, everything that's going on in the world, and...

Yeah, it's, uh... it's complicated times.

So complicated.

I-I don't mean to rush you, but you see yourself being done anytime soon?

No, I'm waiting for you to be done.

Well, that's unfortunate, because I was waiting for you, so...

[Sighs] God.

"Da Vinci Code," too long.

"Bridge of Spies," too boring.

I can't do this anymore.

E-readers are half price.

Garrett out.

[Indistinct Yelling]

[Overlapping Speech]

Stop it!

This is the dark night of our souls... a portrait of hopelessness.

A...

[Metal Clangs]

Wow, we've lost Brett.

Okay, guys, I know we're bare bones, but we can still make this work.

If Sandra could triple-cover Camping, Menswear, and Softlines... Sandra, you can do that, right?

I guess if my knees were normal, but three different doctors said...

Oh, so we're all back here, huh?

We're just taking a little break.

We'll get out there in a sec.

It's fine.

Are you not feeling sick?

Oh, no, I feel terrible.

Worst I've ever felt.

Hey, if we're all back here, who's watching the floor?

Whoa. Hold on, man.

Hold on, man. Wait. You got to stand in line.

[Bell Dinging]

[Crashing]

Form an orderly line.

Hey, one TV per family.

Listen, lady, I'm putting your face in my memory palace.

Eyes too far apart, stringy hair.

Ethnic nose.

This isn't over!

Oh, it's over.

Oh, and then we just need Herman to cover everything.

Herman hasn't worked here in six months.

Fine, then, you know what?

I don't know how to make this work.

If it makes you feel any better, this is probably all your fault.

That stuffing you made tasted like burnt hair.

My stuffing is not what made us sick.

If anything, it was probably Dina's weird tofu turkey thing.

You know what's weird?

Eating the flesh off of a bird's bones, you savage.

Why are you so weird?

Why is everyone being so mean to each other?

Guys...

[Overlapping Speech]

Okay, Amy, now is not...

Guys!

This is what Black Friday wants!

That is a family recipe with a secret ingredient.

But this is not what Black Friday is gonna get!

Oh, cinnamon? Boring.

And we are gonna overcome this, because there is abso...

Jonah?

Could you please shut the [Bleep] up?

And that goes for all of you [Bleep].

I can't listen to your [Bleep]

For one more [Bleep]damn [Bleep] second.

Did something just happen?

I think I blacked out there.

[Retching]

I have a terrible headache, Mateo.

Can you please barf quieter?

Ugh, could you be a bitch quieter?

Okay, I called Corporate to ask for help, and turns out they're closed today 'cause it's a holiday.

So what do we do?

I say we bail.

Okay.

Wait, what? Really?

Yeah, even if everyone in here felt great, we still don't have enough people to cover the floor.

So we just abandon the store?

Black Friday broke us.

All right, I'm calling it.

Time of death, 11:13 p.m.

Just let it all burn.

[Sighs]

Wait, we're just gonna leave?

It was your idea to bail.

Yeah, I suggest that every Friday.

Even you, Dina? You said you'd never give up.

I also said I'd never vomit on a toddler's head.

Lot of firsts today.

Hold up. Wait.

Yo, I don't like working here.

Okay.

But it's my job.

I do the bare minimum, but I don't do less than that.

And I'm not about to let a bunch of deal-hungry rubes trash our store and make me feel bad for Dina, which I did not think was possible.

So I'ma get out there, and I'ma finish my shift.

And yeah, I'ma cut corners, and I'ma phone it in, but it'll never be said that Garrett McNeill did not do just enough to not get fired.

[Jungle'S "Busy Earnin'"]

♪

Move it!

♪

[Retching]

♪ So you come a long way ♪

Open.

♪ Ooh-ooh, but you'll never have me ♪
♪ Never have things ♪
♪ For a normal life ♪
♪ It's time to busy earnin ♪'

♪ You can't get enough ♪

Aisle seven. 30 days. Home and Garden.

Dairy factory-farmed.

We don't sell wigs anymore.

That's not your color.

♪
♪ You can't get enough ♪

Heather, reconfigure the LPOs, and then move 'em to the PRC.

♪

Boom.

♪ This busy earnin ♪'

Henry, get all the UPTs out of the green zone.

If you run into a jam, radio a 62V for a DPR, got it?

All right, break!

Wow.

Yeah.

That was impressive.

Didn't know I had it in me.

I mean, none of it meant anything, but the confidence is inspiring.

♪

Have a heavenly day.

Next!

Attention, shoppers, the store is now closed.

Not, like, "Bring your items to the front" closed.

I mean, like, "Get the hell out."

Thank you.

Oh, also, if anyone happens to find a little green hair thing, it's mine.

Thank you so much for shopping at Cloud 9.

Oh, sir, you accidentally drove over my daughter's doll!

Not accidentally.

♪ You can't get enough ♪

[Quiet Pop Music]

♪

I hate Black Friday.

I can't move.

Me neither.

Hey, Myrtle.

Myrtle!

Could somebody poke Myrtle and see if she's still alive?

Does it really matter?

I guess not.

[Whistling]

Oof. TGIF, right, guys?

Hey, where's Amy?

Hi, it's me.

Sorry I haven't called all day.

It's been a frickin' zoo here.

Um, I took the test, and don't worry.

I'm not happy.

I mean... pregnant.

I'm not pregnant.

Or... maybe I'm not happy.

I... I don't know.

Um...

Adam, we should talk.

Look who works register after all.

Dina, I can't.

Whatever issue you have with me can wait till tomorrow, so...

♪ If you're lost, you can look ♪
♪ And you will find it ♪
♪ Time after time ♪
♪ If you fall, I will catch you ♪
♪ I will be waiting ♪

Kind of wish I hadn't spent the whole day puking.

Yeah, me too.

Find every breath mint left in the store, and meet me in the photo lab.

Ten minutes, or I start without you.

A lot of firsts today.

♪