02x10 - Lost and Found

[bunniefuu]

It's like watching a mummy unwrap itself.

I mean, how long can this go on for, really?

Oh, she'll... she'll get there. Oh, nope, nope, she's going in the wrong direction now.

Come on, Myrtle.

Oh, this could take a while.

Ugh, can we, like, get some coat hooks or something?

Well, before we do that, can we fix this drip?

Or, like, at least get a new bucket?

Oh, I would love to fix that, but, no, corporate only gave us $15.00 for break room repairs, and we blew through that on the bat traps.

Speaking of corporate, this memo just came through: "This time of year, many of us suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Look out for the following symptoms of depression..."

Pfft! Who would get depressed here?

"Listlessness..."

Come on.

"Irritability..."

You wish.

"General discontent..."

No way.

"Apathy..."

Give me a break.

"Above all, remember Cloud 9 cares.

This memo clears parent company of any liability for employee su1c1de."

Hmm, Cloud 9 really does care.

Well, they did send a letter.

[Upbeat Music]

Hey.

Oh, hey, Dina, what's up?

So are you just planning to avoid me until one of us quits, or...?

No, no, no, no, it's just, you know, I've been busy.

You know, different shifts, whatevers and etceteras.

Look, Dina, the time we had together was special, but, as a child of divorce...

Oh, believe me.

I have absolutely no interest in pursuing this.

I mean, do you have any idea the kind of men I've had?

Sky diving instructors, hand models, two of the original members of Fine Young Cannibals.

Come on.

Okay, well, great.

So just a one time thing then.

Oh, yeah.

Just don't be weird, and things will be fine.

Okay, I won't be weird, lady who has multiple birds.

♪

Sandra's up.

All right, Sandra!

[Cheers And Applause]

Am I doing this right?

Yes, but pace yourself.

Okay. I can't believe you guys do this every year.

Well, corporate tells us to clean out Lost and Found every January, but they never tell us how.

We used to give it to charity, but then Goodwill told us not to leave our trash on their loading dock.

Hurry up, Sandra. It's not like you're gonna find a man in there.

Please, hold on, last year I ended up with a broken comb.

I just need one second.

Boo! Three, two, one.

Ah!

And Sandra's got an old pair of dentures, yes!

[Applause]

A lot of good stuff in there this year.

Oh, hey, uh, Tate, you're basically a doctor, right?

Even better, I'm a pharmacist. Doctor to the doctors.

Oh, close enough, anyway I...

Do I regret not going for the big M-D? Not usually, sometimes.

Yeah, when I'm laying in my tanning bed alone with my thoughts... sometimes.

Hey, anyway, um, I wanted to ask you a question.

Sure.

Okay, I always thought depression was this thing that housewives invented so they could take extra naps, but you don't think that people around here could have it, do you?

Well, there are lots of employees here on antidepressants.

What? Who?

Glenn, you know I can't tell you that.

Well, how many?

[Clears Throat] About 20.

13 women, 7 men.

Now, I can't give you names, but it's mostly the uggos.

Doesn't really narrow it down.

You know, I do volunteer work at this children's ward, and there's a guy who dresses up as a clown and goes around cheering up the kids.

Maybe that would work?

They say laughter's the best medicine.

The best medicine is penicillin.

At least it used to be. With all these superbugs now, we might all be dead in ten years, so I guess laughter's as good as anything.

Okay.

All right, ticktock, come on.

I think I saw a stuffed giraffe in here, and Harmonica loves giraffes, so, uh, ooh!

And it's a wig.

Ooh, I can't give this to her.

She'll think I'm slamming her for being bald.

Ooh, oh, it's a VHS copy of "m*rder, She Wrote," seasons three, episodes seven through nine.

Oh, God. Cargo shorts?

A journal. All right, what do we got here?

A lot of boobs.

There you go girl, oh, yeah! [Cheering]

Ooh.

Hey.

Ooh.

Oh, a purse.

Oh, look at this.

Ooh.

[Toy Squeaking]

You could swap.

There's a squeaker in it, too. How cute is that?

Ooh.

Why?

Ahh, there it is. My birds love these.

Okay. Wow, that actually looks really nice.

Someone left that here?

Ooh, this kind of works on me.

Yeah, it's great, if you wanna wear a man's jacket and look like a man.

Hey, everyone, look at that man wearing that man's jacket.

Get used to it 'cause you're gonna hear it a lot.

Hey, Mateo, would you like to swap this leather jacket for your cargo shorts?

What? No.

Are you sure? 'Cause I don't care.

But, you know, if... if you want, I mean, yeah.

If you're gonna be a little bitch about it.

Thank you so much.

Okay, who's next?

♪ I'm not leaving now, honey, not a chance ♪

["Kids In America" By Kim Wilde]

♪ Hot-sh*t, give me no problems ♪
♪ Much later...

Hey, Cheyenne.

How you doing?

Just a little down, you know, some days you get the giraffe, and other days you get the wig.

That's so true.

But hey, what is your favorite animal, hmm?

Ooh, a peacock.

A peacock.

Okay, that's... that's ambitious.

I know how to do a dog, so...

Okay, dog.

No, no, you said peacock.

One peacock, coming up.

[Balloon Snaps]

[Screams] Ow!

My eye! Ow, ow, ow!

Oh, oh, no, no, I did Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Hey, Janet. What's your favorite animal?

A clownfish...

Okay.

Riding a bicycle.

Hey, Dina, uh, I can't work on Thursday, but Brett said he'd cover for me, so could you change the schedule?

Oh, boy, here we go. Cue Garrett being weird.

What? No, I'm just... I can't work on Thursday, so...

Do you even hear yourself right now?

Wow.

No, you were supposed to cancel dinner with your parents.

No, Adam, I can't keep doing everything for you.

No, I'm not yelling, I am whispering.

Okay, you know what? I can't talk about this right now, I'm at work. Good-bye.

Amy, I have an important question.

Might I borrow these this weekend?

I'm attending the opera.

Um, yes, all you need now is a T-shirt with Bugs Bunny dressed like a cholo, and you're ready to go.

[Laughs] Oh, you know what?

I think you left some stuff in your pockets.

Yeah, here we go. Here is your old end of a joint.

Enjoy.

Yes, I've been looking for that.

Here's your halffilled tin of dip, didn't know you were a dipper.

Yeah, don't even talk to me before I dip.

Fliers for sexy escorts.

Gross.

This one says, "Carerra is gymnast."

So you might wanna keep her at the top of the pile.

An old receipt, and, uh, here is your... giant wad of cash.

Seriously?

Oh, yeah.

I'm the bad boy of my friend group.

Silly string att*ck!

No, what are you doing?

What?

This stuff stains.

I'm so sorry. I was just trying to brighten your day.

Here.

I forgot it was gonna do that.

Nine hundred and six dollars.

Somewhere in St. Louis, there's an overweight stoner who can't pay his escort.

What are you gonna do with it?

I don't know, I mean, I guess I'll pay some bills...

Mm-hmm.

And then my sister needs a new windshield, and my mom's crisper drawer in her fridge is broken, so...

[Snores]

So sorry, I-I get that your mother's fridge is super exciting, but I meant what are you gonna do for you?

I don't need anything.

No, it's not about need. This is not about need.

This is free money. This is your chance to get you something.

So I want you to close your eyes... do it... and I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your mind.

Stop laughing. Take this seriously, okay?

Okay, I'm sorry, I just keep having this mental image of you doing that cliché where you get me to magically discover the one thing I never knew I wanted... so dumb.

Okay, my mind's clear.

Well, now you ruined it, so you're never gonna know what you want.

Okay, look, if I were gonna splurge on myself, there is this really fancy spa that I drive by every day on my way to work, and I have imagined what it would be like to, like, go in there and be like, do it up.

Yes! You be selfish.

This is your moment.

Yeah, I'm going to.

Good, I'm glad I could help.

You didn't really do that much, but...

Anytime.

Okay.

[Ragtime Music Plays]

Huh? Come on, huh?

I guess it's starting to work.

Maybe if you go a little faster?

Yeah, I can go faster, sure.

Yeah, the fog's definitely lifting now.

Oh, good! Good, good.

Whew! Sorry, 'cause...

[Music Stops]

I need to take a little break.

Oh, yeah, fine, just stop. Just make it all stop.

No, no, no, no, no, I-I'll keep going.

Here we go, okay. Ahh, having a good time.

[Ragtime Music Continues]

Stop smiling at me.

I'm not smiling at you.

Oh, grow up.

♪

Come on, I'm going faster, see?

Fast as I can.

Hey, come here and check it out.

Salt scrub, essential oils, deep tissue rub-down.

For 900 bucks, they basically treat you like a brisket.

For 900 bucks minus the 80 or so I may have given to Cheyenne for diapers.

You suck at being selfish.

Look, $820.00 is plenty to have a nice day at the spa.

And every single penny of that money is going to this girl.

Amy found $900.00! What should we all do with it?

[All Exclaiming]

In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have told her how much we found.

You should've just fixed your mom's crisper.

[Overlapping Chatter]

I don't remember.

[High-Pitched Voice] Hey! No monkey business at work.

[Normal Voice] Yeah, you have to tell me if you're smiling.

I'm not.

[High-Pitched Voice] Well, I bet I can cheer you up, or I'm a monkey's uncle.

Oh, well, I guess the thing that's really concerning me is my boss.

He's got a lot of problems.

What? That's bananas.

Yeah, uh, actually, none of his employees respect him, retail's dying, yet he works at a crap store, he tried to be a deacon at his church like five times, but they just don't want him.

Oh, and for the record, that whole banana thing?

That's actually a myth.

Yeah, most monkeys live and die without ever having seen a banana.

Their lives are short, violent, and horrifying.

Dina?

Are you there?

Well, I would return the money if I knew whose it was, but there was no ID.

Although we did find weed, dip, p*rn, and a receipt for an Arizona iced tea, so we know it's somebody with class.

Was the iced tea raspberry or regular?

Does it matter, Sandra?

No. Sorry.

So do we all just split the money?

Well...

Yo, I say we take this money to the track, double it, then double it again, double it again, then lose it.

Guys, guys, hold on just a second.

So Amy found the money, and Amy's always wanted to get a massage at this day spa.

So we're all just gonna go get massages?

That's...

He's got a point though.

We should treat ourselves to something nice.

No.

Well, since Amy grifted me, can we at least use some of the money to buy coat hooks?

Oh, and some lamps because these fluorescent lights got people looking like Tilda Swinton.

Ooh, and Amy, you can finally get your bucket.

But, guys, these are... there are all great ideas, but, um, Amy found the money, so maybe Amy should be able to do with it as she pleases.

Right, and, um, what I wanna do with it is...

Fix up the break room.

[All Cheering]

Yo, this is gonna be dope. We're gonna get all these lamps.

What?

I get a new bucket.

A bucket?

Yeah, a new one.

Hey, look, I just wanted to clarify about earlier when I was smiling, I wasn't.

I mean, I wasn't smiling at you. See, I was pretending to smile because Glenn is, like, trying to make people happy, and, like, was doing, so I was...

Look, point is, I wasn't being weird.

Right, okay, so you accidentally smiled at me, then let your neuroses build up to the point that you had to track me down in the dressing rooms to explain it away... like a normal person.

Oh, no, I just... what... what I was doing...

Is this your first time? Is that what this is about?

No...

Listen, it's nothing to be ashamed of, okay?

You're actually the third v-card I've taken.

And don't you go falling in love with me.

[Laughs]

What?

Ooh, a panini press! We could have hot sandwiches.

Uh, okay, yeah. Put it in the cart.

What? I love hot sandwiches.

Ask anybody.

I just thought that the rest of the money was gonna go to this gal.

It is because what makes me happy is seeing other people be happy.

Oh, really? Great, because I would be so happy if I had a psychedelic lava lamp.

Then you should have it.

Great, that's... okay, thank you.

You know what? This is gonna look really nice with my brand-new framed photo of Ronald Regan.

That too.

Fantastic, do we sell above-ground pools?

[Upbeat Music]

♪

Uh, hey, don't get up.

Uh, are you the one I'm supposed to talk to about changing the water cooler in the pharmacy?

Nah, man.

Oh, I'd do it myself, but not waterproof.

It's heavy though, you wanna try it on?

Nah, I'm cool.

[Laughs] Don't be shy. My other one's better, of course.

Wouldn't wear it here. Way too expensive.

What it do, Pikachu?

Ugh.

Well, that was weird.

No, it wasn't weird.

It was completely normal.

Everything... I'm chill, man.

Okay.

Hey, excuse me, uh, my son is taking dishes off the shelves and smashing them on the floor.

Can you, uh, stop him?

I don't want him to think of me as a bad guy.

Um, let me find someone to help you with that.

Where is everybody?

[Soothing Music]

♪

[Drill Whirring]

This is the best day of my life.

You just had a baby.

What ya doing there, buddy?

Hi.

Oh, you're... oh, okay, uh, here, hand me one.

I got ya, I got ya. Thanks... ooh!

[Grunting]

This is real heavy.

You going somewhere?

Oh, you're taking the stairs. Uh, I'm gonna take the elevator.

Mommy, look!

I know, he's taking the elevator.

No, he's just bending his knees.

Come on.

Hey.

Anyone could tell that's what he was doing.

Cranky mime.

[Plates Shattering]

Ooh, that's nice.

Oh, hey, Tate, can I get a turn on that?

There's a sign-up sheet.

Oh, it looks like you've signed yourself up for the rest of the day.

Well, there's no rule against it.

I'm not gonna apologize for taking advantage of a loophole.

Makes me smart.

Tate, get your ass out of my chair.

What? It's all of our chair.

No, actually, I bought the chair with the money I found because I wanted everybody to be happy, including me. So get out of my chair before I pull you out by your greasy, little hair plugs.

All right, all right, I'm getting up, you psycho.

Thank you.

And threatening a pharmacist, by the way?

That's a felony. Probably.

Oh, this is so nice.

I'm relaxing now.

I see that.

Guess what. I found the guy who lost the $900.

[Groans]

[All Grumbling]

Whoa, it looks great in here.

So I read the date of the receipt for the Arizona iced tea and remembered that I had sold it seven months ago.

Right, 'cause you have that awesome memory where you don't forget anything.

I have highly superior autobiographical memory, like Marilu Henner.

Oh.

Anyway, I remembered selling the same man a pack of tube socks back on March 29th, so I searched the loyalty card database and there he was.

Stuart Mitchell.

Thank you so much for calling me.

I work with my church counseling at-risk youth, and this was the money I'd gotten together to organize a field trip to Peru.

I'm sorry, I just think it's a little suspicious that you have this perfect excuse planned out for why you needed the money, and it just so happens to make you look like a nice guy.

Yeah, if the shorts are really yours, what else was in the pockets?

Oh, um, I think that day I'd taken away a bit of a joint from one kid, and some dirty pictures from another one.

Nice.

Then why don't you explain the dip, huh? What about the dip?

I use dip.

That checks out.

[Sighs]

It's a good try.

Thank you.

Can I just say?

You guys have a really nice break room.

We did.

Sure did.

I know this is a weird time, but my birthday's on Friday, and it's gonna be at Dave and Buster's.

[Scattered Groans]

I'll just email you the details.

Hey.

Hey.

What's wrong?

Nothin', I'm cool. Just chillin'.

So weird.

You're the weird one!

You're so weird that nobody even can tell how weird you really are 'cause you make weird normal!

If there was a day that you acted normal, now that would be weird, right?

Right? Oh, oh, okay.

I'm the crazy one?

Maybe so. I am yelling in public, which is not something I normally do, completely out of character, possibly a little crazy!

Can I help you, Turtleneck? You need some help?

Now, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my car listening to yacht rock and eating two Take 5s to calm myself down!

Whoo!

[Scanner Beeping]

[Bells Tinkling]

[Playing Accordion]

You know, some days you get the giraffe, some days you get the wig.

I'm sorry?

It's an expression.

You haven't heard that?

Okay.

I mean, I did everything I could.

Just some people just don't want to be cheered up.

Maybe it's just the time of year.

Adam's sleeping in the basement.

Yeah.

I told him I wasn't happy.

I don't know what I expected him to say, but he said, "I'm not happy either," which is definitely not what I expected him to say.

And, so, we talked about it, and then we yelled about it, and then we just stopped talking.

And now it's all weird and tense and Emma's all upset and it's just... it's miserable.

[Scanner Beeps]

Amy, I am so sorry.

[Bells Tinkling]

Do you want a balloon animal?

[Chuckles] No, thank you.

It is kind of nice to talk about it though.

Well, talk away.

[Pats Hand On Box]

[Laughs]

Okay.

[Horn Honks]

[Laughs]

[Both Sigh]

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't even know where to start.