02x12 - Ladies' Lunch

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, everyone.

Hey, who here likes cash, huh?

[All Exclaim]

Oh, good, I'm glad you're excited, because our computer system is down, so today all we can take is cash.

What?

Why are you waving the cash around like that?

I thought it would make you excited.

Like I was gonna give you the cash or something.

Yeah.

Hey, where's Amy?

Oh, she's been late a lot lately.

Last Thursday, last Monday. Thursday before that.

Oh, no. What if Emma was kidnapped?

Yeah, what if she's getting kidnapped every Monday and Thursday morning?

It has nothing to do with Emma, okay?

It's a personal thing. End of conversation.

Is it?

Beginning of conversation.

"Personal thing"?

Oh, my God, is she sick?

Zika, I bet. Everyone's getting Zika.

You know what? It's probably dr*gs.

You can tell from her teeth.

It is not dr*gs!

It's just marriage counseling.

[All Exclaim]

What?

How is that worse than dr*gs?

Is Amy gonna get divorced?

Look, I shouldn't have said anything, okay?

Look, Adam hasn't even moved out.

He's just sleeping in the basement.

What?

Shut up!

How is that worse than divorce?

Oh, my God.

That is so bad.

She told me this in confidence.

So, you know, just clam up your face holes.

Here she is. Shut up. Just shut up, just shut up!

[Low Voice] Shut up! Shut up!

Be normal, be normal.

Shut up! Shut up!

Be normal!

[Clears Throat Loudly]

[Sighs] Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

[All Murmuring Agreement]

It's okay.

Oh, man, traffic will slow things down.

Oh, dude, especially in this town, you know?

With all the cars.

Traffic.

[Hysterical Laugh]

Sorry.

Oh, okay. So everybody knows about my counseling.

Well, they do now!

[Upbeat Music]

Oh, hey.

I just wanted to let you know I restocked all the toothpaste that Myrtle decided looked "just fine" in electronics, so...

And?

And... what?

Well, I know there's more.

No, there's not. There's just...

There's just no shame in counseling.

Is all I'm saying.

And there it is.

No. Mental health is important and it shouldn't be stigmatized.

I think it's ridiculous that...

Jonah, please stop.

I know you're trying to help me and I really appreciate it, but I don't want to talk about it, okay?

I don't. I just want everybody to treat me normally.

Okay?

Oh, hey, Sandra, I...

Shh.

Oh, God.

It's okay.

You are loved.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Adam, it's Carol at Cloud 9.

I got your number off of Amy's emergency contact form.

I heard about you and Amy, and I just wanted to see how you were you-ing.

"Youing"? How you were doing.

[Laughs]

Why am I so nervous?

You trusted me with a secret, and I betrayed you.

I'm a monster.

If you want, you can tell everyone something embarrassing about me.

A tiny spider once crawled into the entrance of my...

Okay, I just... I don't really wanna talk about this anymore.

Oh, Franklin and Bash, gabbin' away.

What you talking about?

Nothing.

Spider story.

Amy!

Listen. Buck up, buttercup.

I know exactly what you need.

Ladies' lunch.

Huh? You, me, whoever, not Glenn.

Um... yeah, no.

I'm not really in the mood.

Come on. We can gab and dish and talk about our periods.

Your red zone usually starts around the 24th, right?

Wha... is that something I'm supposed to know?

I am the worst friend.

Yeah, you are.

Guys, it's not that big a deal.

It's just counseling.

They're gonna be fine.

Yeah, but if the marriage goes pffft...

I call dibs on Amy.

But you can't just call dibs on a human.

Why, did you already call it?

Did I? No, I... no.

I don't have any interest in...

He's already got a girlfriend.

Oh.

No, actually, Naomi and I broke up.

Whoa!

Because of Amy?

No, gross. Because she thought of me more as a brother.

But you don't have dibs on Amy, then.

No.

Cool. Dibs! Dibs infinity!

No takebacks. Mm! Yeah!

Durbs!

I feel so bad for her.

Oh, she is this close to a breakdown.

I know.

I don't know what I would do without Jeff.

I can't believe she's still pretending to be dating Jeff.

I'm dating Jeff, okay?

She's dating no one.

That's how the world works.

Someone sounds [Singsong] jealous.

[Light Music]

♪

I wish there were some customers here.

I can't believe I just said that.

Ooh, nice assist!

Hey, I played basketball when I was a kid until my parents let me stop.

Okay, well...

Oh, hey, check it out.

Moving target.

Oh, bring it on.

Three points.

Okay.

Hey, oh!

Oh, yeah!

In your face, Brett!

Wait, I don't get it.

It's one of the slowest days we've ever had.

Why can't one of the warehouse guys load this?

I don't know. Dina just told me to and when I asked her why, she said, "Shut up, Sandra."

Shut up, Sandra!

What are you...

Ladies' lunch.

No. No! No!

I said no!

[Banging On Door]

This is for your own good.

Yeah, you didn't have to kidnap me, Dina.

Kidnapping is what you do to children.

You're pushing 40. I abducted you.

All right, everybody. First on the agenda: free talk.

A couple of ground rules. No shop talk.

Also, no religion or politics. Too divisive.

Also, don't tell a story about someone we don't all know.

It makes people feel excluded.

Other than that, sky's the limit.

Have you guys heard the new Fetty Wap song?

We're not talking about music!

Okay? That's just a bunch of sounds, and I can hear that anywhere.

Three, two, one!

Muffin ball!

Into the mop bucket!

Yes, that's a niner!

He's looking to ten it.

Oh!

Ow!

Oh!

You guys!

Are you literally insane?

Sorry, Mateo. Could you throw us back the muffin ball, though?

[Scoffs] I could. But I won't.

Hey, yo, you know what?

We should get blockers.

I was just gonna say that.

Hey, thanks, Mateo!

I'm having a lot of fun with you.

Don't ever say that to me again.

Just get the blockers.

Can I start you ladies off with some drinks, or...

No, we don't drink. [Laughs]

Can you imagine?

CUT TO: glug, glug, glug, glug.

[Chortling]

Oh, uh, white wine. Two ice cubes.

I'll take a Rusty Spaniard.

I'm gonna have to see some ID.

Are you kidding?

Look at her face. She's, like, 2,000.

[Laughs] This is embarrassing.

I left my ID at the lawyer office.

That's fine. What do you want?

I'll have four beers, please.

How about we order our meals at the same time and then maybe you can just bring the check now.

That would be great. Thank you.

So what is fast?

All right, Marcus, alley-oop me into the cooler, okay?

Now, Brett, come back, come back, come back!

Oh, no!

Damn it!

He's got the moves like Jagger.

That's your fault, Marcus.

Me? Get your head in the game, man.

Mateo tattles me that you're playing a game instead of working.

Seriously, dude?

Yeah, you're misusing baked goods and hurting people's cashmere, so...

Come on, man.

I'm sorry, but this game is over, okay?

I'm throwing this away.

Oh!

Did you see that?

What?

Glenn, you just got a mannequin bumper.

Is that good?

Uhh!

Phew, I don't know.

Is the best you can do good?

Whoo.

Come on, you had to play this before.

No, I swear. I mean, I'm on my church's Wiffle ball team.

Well, I get the emails.

Ooh, well, I don't know.

I mean, I'd say you're a natural.

I mean, that was incredible.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

Glenn, they're obviously manipulating you.

You're just jealous because I got a manne-bump on my first try.

Please! Anyone can hit that stupid mannequin.

Really?

Prove it.

Oh!

Ho!

Nice, Mateo!

Oh, yeah!

I did it.

Yeah.

Yeah, you did.

I'm an athlete.

Hey!

I'm an athlete.

I did it! I'm Simone Biles!

I'm Simone Biles!

Who?

Yes! Simone Biles!

The Olympic gymnast.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Ohh, thank you.

Okay, so... why don't we go around the circle and each name our favorite part of the penis?

I'll go first. The bottom.

[Clears Throat] So, Cheyenne, how are things with you and Bo?

Great. You know, same old Bo.

Little dangerous, little mysterious, little dyslexic.

He recently lost his flip-flops so, you know... ups and downs.

And, um, Sandra, you're still with Jeff?

Um, yeah. It's fine.

It's fine?

This is ladies' lunch, Sandra.

We need deets.

Oh, okay. Um...

We spend hours on the phone, just talking.

He loves my taste in music.

I spend the night at his hotel when he's in town.

We make love on silk sheets.

Oh, God, he's... gentle and strong.

Sometimes he's dark.

He took me to the edge of his balcony once and he asked, "Are you afraid?"

And I said, "Yes."

And he said, "Good."

That's how I feel with you."

[Soft Exhales From Ladies]

And then we made love.

And then we ate dinner.

Mm...

And it was fancy.

[Women Exhale, Murmur]

He thinks I'm prettier than my sister.

Yeah.

[Giggles]

So when you say the bottom, you mean the base or, like, the underside?

Um, I'd have to say, like, just the full underneath.

Mm-hmm.

Loose muffin! Loose muffin!

[Wiz Khalifa'S "We Dem Boyz" Plays]

♪ Hol' up, hol' ♪
♪ Hol' up, we dem ♪
♪ We dem boyz ♪
♪ Hol' up, we dem boyz ♪
♪ Hol' up, hol' up, hol' up ♪
♪ We makin' noise ♪ - Ooh!

♪ Hol' up, we dem boyz ♪
♪ Hol' up, hol' up... ♪

[Overlapping Shouting]

Go, go, go, go, go!

Yeah!

♪ Risk it only now ♪
♪ Hol' up, hol' up, hol' up...♪

Go ahead, man. sh**t!

You got nothing, bro. Take a sh*t, I dare you.

Take it easy, jeez.

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Call your girlfriend Amy?

What? No. That's... why would I...

Boom!

I'm the muffin man now, bitch!

That's Hey, Adam. It's Carol.

I had a missed call from an unknown caller.

I thought maybe that was you. [Laughs]

Anyways, I'm at lunch with you know who.

[Singsong] Awkward!

Okay, this is gonna sound so naughty, but should we get another round of drinks?

We shouldn't, should we?

Nope. We should really get going.

You're not even trying to have fun.

And Myrtle's not done yet.

Look, I really appreciate this gesture, I do.

This was very nice of you, but this is... terrible.

It's depressing and... and awkward.

We have nothing to talk about.

And I know this sounds weird, but this food smells like bowling.

Yeah, um...

Yeah, I'm sorry this wasn't perfect.

It's actually the first ladies' lunch I've ever thrown.

I don't have a lot of female friends, so, uh...

Yeah, let's just get going. This was stupid.

No. We can stay.

No, it's fine. Forget it, I'll just...

I'll pay the check. Ron?

No, no, no. We can stay, Dina.

I want to stay.

Ron, keep 'em coming!

All: Whoo!

Bottoms up!

Salute!

Ugh! Okay, Cheyenne, Marcus, Brett, Peter. Go.

Okay. I would bang Marcus...

Ugh!

Marry Brett... and k*ll Bo's mom.

No, Cheyenne, she's not an option.

That's not the game.

I don't care.

She sucks!

[All Laughing]

Okay, um, okay.

Glenn, Garrett and Darren.

Okay, obviously, I'd k*ll Glenn.

Um, probably just like slit his throat or tear him limb from limb.

[Giggling]

Uh, then I'd marry Darren, and I've already [Bleep] Garrett, so I guess him again.

[All Laughing]

No. No, no, no, really. I have.

Don't know why we're laughing, because I did.

[Laughter Increases]

On Black Friday after we all got sick.

I had to erase the security camera footage.

[Laughter Continues]

Uh!

E-excuse me!

Where are the paper towels?

I'm sorry, I don't think we sell those here.

I got it! I'm going for it!

I'm going for it!

Not in my store!

All: Oh!

Oh, my God!

Glenn.

Oh, my...

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I can see the whole store from up here.

Oh, no.

He's gonna be fine.

[Soft Pop Music Plays]

Excuse me. Can I...

Excuse me, sir?

Sir, this lady here, she'd... When you have a second.

Sir?

Thanks for trying. [Giggles]

You're welcome.

If you wanna sit here while you wait, you can.

Okay.

I'll sit. [Laughs]

So do you think you and Adam will stay together?

Of course.

Mm-hmm.

I think. I don't know. I mean...

Look, Adam and I have been together a really long time.

And I just wanna know that if we are together it's because we want to be, and not because we're afraid of change.

Oh, you know, if worse comes to worse, my cousin knows a divorce lawyer in Little Rock.

Three jet skis in that garage.

You'd be in good hands.

Thanks.

But I'm not good at change. I-I never change anything.

I've had the same haircut since I was in high school.

Whoa!

And every now and then I'm like, maybe I'll change my hair.

And then... I don't.

[Slurping]

I should not be drinking this!

[Laughs] I am so out of control!

[Chortling]

Oh. You okay?

No, I'm... I'm fine.

I just wanna relax here on the beach for a while.

[Sighs]

And since Brett's knee is still injured from his MMA fight, Jonah will be taking his place in the final sh**t.

[Overlapping Chatter]

His opponent will be decided by a simple...

I'll do it.

Okay.

I wasn't finished talking, but I guess this game has made monsters out of all of us.

All right, this is it.

Winner gets Amy.

You... what... you can't win a person by throwing a taped up muffin at a bucket.

Oh, yeah? Then what's this?

Boom!

Yes!

USA! USA!

All: USA! USA!

We all live here.

When he confronted the witches, it really grounded him.

Exactly.

[Both Laugh]

Does your husband or boyfriend like "Vampire Diaries" as much as you do?

Oh, I'm not seeing anyone.

What about Jeff?

Who's Jeff?

Her serious boyfriend.

[Laughs]

Oh, right. I do have a boyfriend.

Sorry. 'Scuse me.

Hi. Carol.

Oh! I'm gonna get another Long Island iced tea, beyotches!

Whoo!

All: Whoo!

[Laughs]

Diet Coke, please.

It all comes down to this.

They call him the Comeback Kid.

But not a person in this place thinks he can make this sh*t.

He has absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever.

Uh, okay.

Never, in the history of sport has someone less qualified stepped up to the plate.

[Dramatic Music]

Oh!

Ooh! Team USA wins!

Yes!

I win Amy.

No. You don't win Amy!

Nobody wins Amy! You don't get Amy!

Wait, dude. Are you playing for Amy?

Uh... no, I...

Jonah, she's just in counseling.

It doesn't mean her marriage is over.

I know that. That's... that's exactly my...

Marcus keeps...

All: ♪ I said la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

Everybody!

All: ♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
♪ La, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
♪

Oh, whoa!

I can't fall.

Ow. Funny.

Something looks different.

What's up, Ames?

Um...'sup?

Hey, uh... keep me posted on things.

What are you talking about?

[Laughs] Just... whatever.

I'm around.

Hmm. Did that make sense to you?

No.

Good.

Hello... hello, Glenn. Good mor... afternoon.

Good afternoon to you.

How far would I have to drive to see a prairie?

I'm on it. I'll find that out right now.

Thank you.

Just in a second.

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah. I'm okay.

'Cause I am a professional, so...

You want me to touch my nose with my finger?

No problem.

Okay? You want me to do the alphabet backwards?

Sure. Z, Y...

X.

Is, uh... so you might hear something kinda funny. [Laughs]

It's real funny.

Um, to be clear, I don't think I can win you.

I mean... and I wouldn't want to, even if I could.

You know, people. We all win whoever, together, sexually.

I can't follow you because you talk so much.

I'm sorry...

And... and also, I'm a little bit drunk.

I'm sor...

[Whispers] I'm a little bit drunk.

Yes... you are so drunk.

Yes.

Whoo.

I'm so sorry. You were saying something about... I don't-what was I...

Who cares?

A sexual...

Oh, oh, Amy. Whoa. That's... okay...

This is a workplace, okay?

We don't talk like that here.

You should get on home with that kind of talk.

'Cause this... I don't know what this is, but it's wrong.

♪ Look, yeah, but don't touch, baby ♪

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Okay, I think we're done.

What do you think?

Oh... yeah.

This really, um...

It's... it's subtle.

Well, I didn't wanna change it up too much.

You know, baby steps, right?

Also, I don't really know what I'm doing yet.

Also, I'm drunk.

Yeah, no, I...

I like it, I like it.

What? Did I cut too much off?

Are you freaking out right now?

No. No, no. I was just, um... [Clears Throat] I don't know. I was, like, thinking something more, like, [Gasps] Like this.