Good morning, Store 1217.
We have a very exciting surprise today.
Zephra has sent us a little break room upgrade just to say "Welcome to the Z-Fam.
" They asked me to say it that way, and I'm happy to.
Okay, let me guess.
Ah It's a pipe organ.
Oh, my gosh, I can call Judy from the church and she'll give us lessons, though you have to practice 'cause otherwise you're just wasting her time.
Don't need Judy.
Not a pipe organ.
Oh, I like this game.
Is it bigger than a dog?
It's clearly bigger than a dog.
You don't know what dog I'm thinking of.
I actually know what it is 'cause I helped set it up.
Well, we're all about to know what it is, so I knew from before.
I knew, like, two hours ago.
Okay, I'm gonna need more data before I guess.
Otherwise, you're just giving me a free chance to be wrong.
Nobody's asking anybody to guess.
Okay, Mateo, on three.
- One - It's a cereal bar!
Mateo, I just said It's a cereal bar!
That's way better than a dog.
But the dog that I was thinking of is massive.
Boy, you can really tell we work for a tech company now, huh?
It's very disruptive.
Come on, peeps.
What if I already filled up on breakfast?
Just don't eat?
Or, like, eat anyway.
I owe you one.
Huh, look at that.
People are literally whistling while they work.
That cereal really changed the mood of this place.
I don't know.
For me, it just pales in comparison to the health benefits and pay raises they gave us.
What do you oh, I get it.
You're being annoying.
It's a small thing, but it makes peoples' day better.
They're just distracting us with shiny objects.
Look, Jonah, I get it.
Cloud 9 has trained us to be very suspicious of anything corporate does, but is there a small chance that this could possibly just be a gift to welcome us to the Z-Fam?
Pretty soon, you're gonna be saying that unironically.
- Stop it.
- People are gonna hear you.
No annual fee?
Limited time offer?
Yup, very limited.
That's why the guy in the picture has a flip phone.
Hey, Garrett, listen.
The next guest in line, the one with the Z-System, steps up, I need you to act casual.
He's a scam artist.
He's been returning bogus items for months.
Is this, like, a sting operation?
Can I help?
You can say thank you and move along like a normal person.
Yeah, okay, got it, got it.
I'd like to return that, please.
Oh, sure, no problem.
I do need you to sign a form, as it is a high-ticket item, so follow me and I'll get you your refund ASAP.
I'm just shopping.
Do you guys think this is real Lucky Charms or the knockoff brand?
The fake stuff turns your milk green.
This milk is true blue, baby.
Classy move, Zephra.
Okay, guys, come on.
We're talking about a billion dollar corporation here.
I mean, how about giving us stuff that actually has an impact on our lives?
Jonah has a point.
I saw some pictures of Zephra's headquarters.
It's so big, they have self-driving cars to get around the campus.
We should all have those.
We wouldn't have to take the bus to work.
Well, I don't know that they're gonna give every employee a car, but what about a living wage?
How are things over here?
Everyone happy with their cereal?
Yeah, everyone feeling "Grr-eat?" Oh, my gosh.
Speaking of cereal, you sound just like Tony the Tiger.
- You do!
- Just like him.
Yeah, no, I know.
That's what I was trying to Oh, you really flipped this little closet.
Probably gonna have to take that plant outside for sun every once in a while though.
This is already too much work.
But it is better than being on the floor.
Plus I'm already tapped in to the assistant gossip network.
Like, I heard Never mind.
I shouldn't say anything.
Well, you want me to shut this door for you?
You know how Carol got suspended for attempted cat-slaughter?
Terri from HR told me that she got suspended with pay.
I guess it's Zephra policy?
Like, they're so afraid of a lawsuit, if they even hear the words "mental distress," they just give you paid leave, no questions asked.
Also, she said that the manager at Hilldale has a micropenis.
So it's been a pretty busy morning.
Please have a seat.
I'll get right to processing your return.
All I need from you is a confession.
I know you've been scamming the store for months.
What do you got?
Well, this is a handsome guy.
But I have no idea what you're talking about.
Then you won't mind if I open this.
It's your space.
You do you.
It's a good thing I'm returning that.
You guys should file a complaint with the company.
- Listen - Benny.
Listen, Benny, it's obvious you've been doing this for a while.
You've got even weight distribution with the rocks, noise dampening padding, industrial shrink wrap.
Well, it's a shame I'm innocent, because I would love to impress a woman like you.
You're just flirting with me to get out of trouble.
No, I'm flirting with you to get into trouble.
I feel like I'm in a full sweat.
I ate some ghost peppers earlier.
Just on toast.
Like to cleanse the system, so I should probably just put my butt over a bowl, and Hey.
So the cereal bar is running low.
Someone should really be refilling that.
I kind of thought that that someone would be you.
Right, or maybe, like, Justine or Sayid.
Anyway, Zephra also asked me to set up a video conference in the break room this afternoon.
A video conference?
The CEO is doing a bunch of surprise FaceTimes to Cloud 9s.
Just a five-minute meet-and-greet.
Do you think maybe they sent us the cereal bar today just so we'd be in a good mood for the call?
Why is everybody being so cynical about this?
Not everything is always half empty.
Except the cereal bar is.
We should really get on that.
- That's right.
- Let me know what you decide.
No, I decided.
You have to admit, it is pretty convenient timing.
Can you just help me figure out how to play this?
Kira Moon isn't some stodgy Cloud 9 CEO.
She's young and edgy and fun, and I think she's progressive.
Look at her profile pic.
It's just a purple square.
That's gotta mean something.
You know, maybe this could actually be an opportunity.
I know what you're thinking.
Oh, come on, I'm just saying, how often do employees get to talk to the CEO?
You know, we could bring up some of our issues.
And have her first impression of us be Veruca Salt barking out orders?
"But Daddy, I want health insurance now!" That is pretty adorable.
I don't know how they'd say no.
Look, we're not giving up on the issues.
It's just it's just a friendly welcome call.
It's not the right time.
All right, fine.
Yeah, I get it.
We will wait for the right time.
So we're all just gonna smile and make a good first impression.
Amy, I need to report an employee theft.
Hey, it's our cereal.
Who cares if I eat it here or at home?
- You can't fill up a backpack!
- Fine, take some.
I don't need your used cereal.
Maybe we should just walk everyone through it.
You know, not that they're children No, they're children.
Hey, favor to ask.
What can you do to ugly me up?
Like, pockmarks, unibrow, fewer eyes, more?
Well, why do you wanna look bad?
I have a scammer in custody and I need him to confess, but he's into me, and it's just gonna make everything go wrong.
I mean, my personality's a homerun, so that's not exactly helping.
Well, if he's already seen you, it might be kind of weird to go back in there with more face parts.
- That's a really good point.
We have to do something.
It's starting to get very steamy in there.
Oh, my God.
You like him!
No, no, no.
- Is he hot?
He's exceptionally hot.
But no, I don't like criminals, okay?
But try telling that to my heart and my Hot Pocket.
Later today, Kira Moon from Zephra will be "surprising" us with a video chat.
We get to talk to the CEO?
We should clarify which Hemsworth she's dating.
I heard it's not the one you think it is.
We should ask if the cereal was meant to be taken home.
I'm just curious.
No, we should ask her for stuff we need, like self-driving cars, right, Jonah?
That was all her it's just a friendly call, Sandra, not an opportunity.
But you know, Kira might ask you all some questions, so I thought it would be good for us to practice, you know?
Like, Glenn, pretend I'm Kira.
But she's just a normal person.
Just think of it like you're talking to me.
"Me" as in you, or "me" as in her?
"Me" as in me, Amy.
But you just said that I should pretend that you're her.
Right, and I'm saying talk to her like she's me.
Okay, I should, or she should?
Oh, you know what, I forgot to mention that not everybody has to be on this call.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, Garrett, you're so stupid.
I'm sorry you had to see that, Glenn.
Come on, this is nothing.
I once drove a pallet of Mentos into a stack of colas.
I thought it was the Rapture.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, no, I things are just really hard right now.
I'm feeling a lot of mental distress.
I'm well, I'm so sorry.
What's going on?
Just so much.
Unfortunately, as my supervisor, you're not allowed to ask.
Well, is there anything I can do?
I mean, I guess you could grab the Zephra corporate guidelines and look up what it says under "Employee Mental Distress"?
All right, look.
You stay right here.
I'm gonna be right back.
Just a guess.
Thank you for your patience.
This is Cheyenne, our head of security.
So let's keep things professional.
So look, we have altered merchandise, a documented history of returns.
It'll be easier on yourself if you confess.
So you think that's my best move?
A lot of people would say it's your only move.
Since when do you and I care about what people say?
Ooh, so do you guys know each other?
I'm not one of the herd, Dina, and neither are you.
Herds are for turds.
Herds are absolutely for turds.
I'm stealing that.
Ah, then you admit you're a thief.
- Oh, you're good.
- You have no idea.
So, like, how's this going?
She's gonna let me walk so I can take her to dinner.
Like hell I am.
Cheyenne, what are you doing?
Um Ozark Highlands, how are we doing?
Oh, my God!
It's it's Kira Moon, Zephra's CEO.
A household name we all know!
Just popping in to say hello to my new Cloud 9 stores.
Yes, hi, I'm Amy.
Sorry, you just said that.
Sorry, thank you.
I gotta say, it's fitting that it's Valentine's Day 'cause I love what's happening in your store.
Your holiday numbers were outstanding, and your rollout of the Z-tablets led the region.
Whatever you're doing, bottle that because I want it in my raw water.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
Retail's new to me, so you all are the experts.
Tell me what you think we could do to make your lives better.
Uh well, actually, for a long time now, we've been trying to get Cloud 9 to address Address our breakfast needs, which, by the way, you killed it today with the cereal bar.
And also getting to work in the morning can be tough for us, so Which is why it's so great that we get to arrive and be greeted by the cereal bar!
Anyway, that's it.
That's all we wanted to say.
You know, well, I'm getting the signal I gotta hop on another call, but we'll do this again soon.
Hey, guys, I don't know if Kira noticed, but my fly was open for that whole thing.
Like, down and open.
Like, basically framing it.
Okay, and if you could just get me that number by the end of the day, that'd be great.
Hey, a customer asked if the Zephra tablet is compatible with AirPlay.
Zephra is compatible with everything.
We do not question Zephra.
All hail Zephra.
- Is that a yes?
- Don't mind Jonah.
He's just upset that the tablet won't do everything he wants it to.
And it never will if I'm not allowed to ask it to.
Would you guys just, like, get together already?
- We are together.
Look, all I'm saying is Oh, crap.
I totally forgot I set this up.
I mean, I know we said we weren't gonna do anything for Valentine's Day Oh, okay, so you're allowed to break an agreement, but if I do it wait, is that the guy from our first date?
Yes, you said you loved him.
- That was very thoughtful.
- I know.
- Is that gnocchi?
- Yes, your favorite.
- I love gnocchi.
- I know.
You can't tell your problems to Glenn the floor supervisor, so he clocked out.
Now Glenn the friend is here, and you can tell him everything.
Well, you know, if you must know, everything is just making me wanna cry.
It's every time I see kids.
- Or adults purchasing items.
Just everything here at work.
Well, sounds like you got a lot going on, but don't worry, I have a solution.
Is it signing the mental distress forms?
No, it is not.
What information don't you have?
At first, I was trying to seduce you into letting me off, but there's some real chemistry here.
You're willing to let all that go?
You're a thief, and I'm not about to compromise my morals for some completely earth-crushing, soul-shattering s*x.
This is about more than just s*x.
But yes, it would probably feel like a thunderstorm in our pants.
- Dear God.
- Come on.
Your whole job is preventing risk.
What if you took one?
Okay, I'll come clean.
I know that you did it, and I don't even care.
I knew that you knew.
But that's part of our tango.
So how about dinner?
Dinner it is.
The storm shelter is just a great place to get things off your chest.
Whenever I have troubles, I come down here and I shout 'em out.
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Here, watch me.
Why did I have a baby so late in life?
You know, stuff like that.
You know, I think I understand what you're saying, but maybe I could use some more examples.
Okay, um Diabetes stinks!
I think I voted wrong!
I think Ellen DeGeneres dances too much!
Still not getting it.
Oh, hey, is Amy looking for me?
No, she's getting cash to tip an accordion player.
I just came to get some fresh air.
Everybody thinks I'm their cereal boy.
Earl just shook an empty bowl at me and snapped his fingers.
I'm doing it.
I'm going to the Chesterfield store to get in on their CEO call and get us our self-driving cars.
Again, not our oh, no!
I don't think you should Amy is not gonna be happy about this.
I better go tell her.
This job just keeps giving and giving!
Your rollout of the Z-tablets led the region.
Whatever you're doing, bottle it up, 'cause I want it in my raw water.
- Sandra, come here.
Come on, come on.
We have to go.
I know this year has been a tough one for - Sandra.
- Retail is new to me.
Sandra, come on.
We gotta go.
We gotta go.
- No, stop.
I'm gonna be heard.
- No, you don't have to be heard.
- We gotta leave right now.
- I want a car.
I understand you want a car, but she's Okay, Jonah, that's enough.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, is everything okay back there?
It's all good.
Just coming by to say hey.
You don't you don't work at this store?
No, no, it's Amy Sosa?
From the Ozark Highlands branch?
We just had our chat?
Right, the cereal fan.
That's that's good.
Well, it was nice catching up.
Sandra, let's go.
No, I have something to say.
I'm Sandra Kaluiokalani, and we demand self-driving cars.
I know Zephra has them, so you need to give them to us so I can stop taking the bus, where people watch their phones at full volume and make me hold their babies while they change its diapers.
I'm not on board with I didn't even know the diaper part.
Oh, I am so sorry.
I am I'm getting the signal, so we're out of time, but it was so great meeting you all, and Amy, my next call's at the Taipei store, so see you there?
We were gonna do our store chant for her.
We're really sorry.
What's your chant?
- It's a good chant.
Okay, so shouting didn't do the trick, but how about I take you on a fishing trip, huh?
Just you and me and a gentle breeze.
- It'll be relaxing.
- I would not like that.
Oh, yes, you would.
What are you doing no, no, don't do that!
I'm picking you up at 5:00 a.
tomorrow, come rain or shine, and unfortunately, it is supposed to rain.
That's not happening.
Look, Glenn, there are no problems.
I made it all up.
I was just trying to get some paid time off.
You lied about mental distress?
Yeah, I guess when you say it like that, it sounds really bad, but I just needed a break.
Man, I'm tired.
I just wanted a day off where I could just sit at home alone playing video games and not shower and eat pizza.
That's how you spend your days off?
Sitting in your apartment, alone?
Well, I mean, I'm not really alone.
I'm playing with the people online.
That's basically like having friends.
Hey, I'm just glad that you don't have any problems.
I don't have any.
And I'm not thinking about my life.
I'm just being quiet 'cause you walked away.
The cereal's gone.
It was supposed to last a month, and those monsters ate it in a day.
Oh, my God.
You did it.
- You got us cars.
- I did?
Zephra just sent a mass email saying that Cloud 9 employees now get 50% off all Lyfts nationwide.
Okay, well, I guess I am pleasantly surprised that Kira seems to have listened.
Yeah, she did, didn't she?
Maybe they're different.
Oh, my God.
Is that a dirty diaper?
Ugh, God, our customers are animals.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Grandpa.
" Yeah, well, I had to raid what was left of the seasonal aisle.
- If you're gonna break our agreement It's only fair.
And a half-eaten box of chocolates.
Did a coconut check for you.
Took care of 'em.
Oh, I can still taste the Yeah, I ate, like, a whole coconut's worth.
And there was, like, a little bit of gnocchi in there.
Oh, yeah, you don't like that gnoc-onut vibe?
Don't say that.
Don't say gnoc-onut.
Hey, thanks for taking a chance on me.
It's Valentine's Day.
I had to follow my heart.
Nah are you kidding me?
Look, I'm sorry, Benny, but I had no choice.
This doesn't mean anything has to change between us.
Yeah, it kind of does.
I'll wait for you!
Not sexually, or if I've met someone else.