02x08 - Oscillate

Here. It's for the visas.

Wowie, wowie.

Ring the bell. The queen is home.

You walk over here like this and no one b*at the f*ck out of you?

You don't think that's a little meshuggeh?

Actually, I'm... I'm fine.

I have the tr*nsv*stite pass.

No one can arrest me.

I am protected by the city.

It actually says there that I'm not meshuggeh.

What's tr*nsv*stite? That's like faigele, right?

No. Me. I'm... I'm a tr*nsv*stite.

You look like Aunt Esther in this.

Magnus had the city issue them to all of us.

Who's Magnus? He's your gay lover?

Uh, no. Uh, Magnus...

I mean, not my gay lover.

...the head of an institute where Gittel works.

You know, Ma, if you got out more often, then you might not hate Berlin so much.

It's actually quite a lovely city.

I think it's a fantastic city.

If it wasn't for all the Germans living in it, it would be great.

Chosa, I was hoping tomorrow morning you would teach me how to use the U-bahn like you've been saying.

I'm afraid of the turnstile because I've been hearing nonstop about how it's been breaking women's pelvises.

Did you hear about Sheila's sister?

She had to give birth through her face.

So stay home tonight, and tomorrow you can finally teach me...

I'm actually... I can't tomorrow morning.

When are you coming home, huh?

I'm going to stay with...

I'm going to stay with Gittel.

Stay here tonight, Chosa, please.

Stay... Chosa, stay here.

Stay here with Mommy.

Bye, Mommy.

♪ ♪ ["Someone To Watch Over Me" sung in German]


Oh, my God, what did you do?

I know, I got more.



Don't do that. It makes me think of Dad.


L'chai... Anyone?

All: L'chaim!

♪ ♪ [singer continues]

To sisters.

♪ ♪ [piano interlude]

♪ ♪ [singer resumes]

Sneaking in, sneaking out.

I'm not sneaking.

I could be dead, you know, lying in a gutter somewhere, maggots eating my eyeballs.

You wouldn't even notice.

f*cking morbid.

You're f*cking morbid.

♪ ♪ [piano]

[no audible dialogue]

I got the visas.


I got the visas.

All three of us.

That's you. Give it back to me.

That one's yours.

It says Ger Schoen.

Do you have a visa for Gittel?

Your name is Ger Schoen.

My name is Gittel. You know my name is Gittel.

Okay. Today you're Gittel. Tomorrow you can be Edith.

After that, you can be a f*cking lobster.

Change your name when you get to America, please.

I'm not leaving Magnus.

Take me to this man.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ma: What did you do to my boy?

Magnus: She goes by Gittel.


What a horrible name.

It's the name she chose.

So what is this, a circus? A sex circus?


A zoo for f*cking?

Are you starting a religious...

No, I don't believe in religion.

A sex religion?

I believe in... science.

I believe in truth.

I believe in reason, in progress.

Look. Look around. Look around.

You know, y... you're in my library.

You're next to my museum.

You... You're underneath my medical ward.

You make fun.

This is the future!

What's that?

Ger Schoen's visa.

When he changes his mind and he wants his mommy... you're going to hold that for him and give it to him, okay? Keep it safe, please.

Wipe that stuff off your face.

Be home in an hour. We have to pack, and we have to go.

I mean, if you're going to be a girl, cover your tits.


♪ ♪ ["Someone To Watch Over Me" on piano]

This is crossfit. Let's work it like you're in crossfit.

♪ Try it, come on, come on, let's go ♪

Let's go. It's time to work! You got to work!


This isn't Pilates.

Come on, come on, give it up!

Give it all you got! Give it all you got!

Two reps, and we're done.

This is what I like to see.

From the hips. Focus on the hips.

All the way up. All the way up.

Come on, rookie.

It's not about doing it the way you want.

It's about doing it right.

You got plenty of time to rest when we're done.

Oh that's... that's how we're going to be, huh?

We're just going to make it perfect for you today.

Keep it moving. Keep it moving.

All right? A little bit faster.

You got a little bit more in you, all right?


Looking better. Looking better.

That's what I'm talking about.

Well, so far for me, the hardest thing about the Jewish New Year by far is that I keep writing 5775 on my checks.

I'm pretty sure you used that same joke in 5774.


I don't want to start a whole thing, but I'm keeping a little bit in my head just about the... the talk. The whole polyamory idea is freaking me out.

Don't... That's the wrong word.

It's not about other people at all.

It's about me and you.

It's about how incredible this is and how amazing you are and how much I love being with you and how, being with you, I've become myself, and I... and I want to keep doing that and expanding and getting closer and closer to that, and I know that I will just start shutting down if we have to, you know, make some commitment to... to next year, next month, or...

A month? Is that hard for you to think about?

A whole month with me or a week?

Like tomorrow? Like a day?

That would be hard? Or, like, you know, what's going to happen in an hour?

Are we going to be going out in an hour, or is that, like, too hard, like, so locked in?


You're so locked in by me.

Stop it. What? No.

Of course tomorrow.

I'm just... But yes, like, day to day.

Why not? Why not... not burden us with expectations and...

Because this isn't a burden.

This is not a burden for me.

I can't do this way.

I can't do this version.

That's not who I am, and you know that.

So I'm not doing it.

I'm not going to the festival, and I'm not doing this.

So figure it out.

I don't know where I belong here, but, uh, I know, you know, I'd like to help.

Well, there's a lot, you know.

We have a variety of opportunities.


Uh, Crock Pot, which is sort of like our q*eer Meals On Wheels.

Oh, I don't think I want to inflict my cooking on shut-ins.

How do you think you'd do with crisis intervention?

Well, I butt in a lot.

I'm very good at that, my children tell me.


Tell me more.

Well, the Trevor Project.

They're looking for people for their late night shifts.


It's intense, you know?

It's mostly suicidal teens.

Wow. That's important.

Yeah. And, you know, the people who do it, the Life On Uppers, they go through a rigorous training program.

Mm. Is the graveyard shift the only opening?

We don't call it the graveyard shift because of the, you know, the nature of the calls.

Right. Well, I wouldn't... That's not something I would say on the phone.

I'm going to get you an application.


Oh. Sorry.


I didn't know you did yoga.


I do.

What kind of yoga is it?

It's called hatha.

Well, I have hatha mind...



What do you want, Maura?

I mean, is this what we're going to do?

Do you want me to move out?

Do you want me to find other housing?

Is this where we are?

Are we going to be friends again?

I'm trying to change, all right?

I'm trying to do the right thing.

I mean, I'm here. I'm volunteering for these people. My God.

Volunteering twice a week doesn't make you Mother Teresa.

I know that.

Mother Teresa, by the way, was not a terribly nice person.



Come in.

In here.

Come here, come here, come here.

Would you come over here and smell this pepper?

I think this stem has stem rot.


Does it smell moldy?

Looks like a stem to me.

Let's see what's inside. Yes.

Um, is Leslie here? I just have a thing...

Oh, sure. Bean! Hey, Bean!

Do you live here?

I thought you lived next door.

Oh, yeah. My stove's broken.


Leslie: What?


Hey, there.

Uh, um, I'm sorry.

I just... I have my essay for you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just...

Just drop it right there, and I'll get around to it.

You know Bella.



[Leslie chuckles]

Let me take you to your Uber, babe.


She was kind of young, huh?

You know, I kind of guess that Leslie harbors a little disdain for the aging female body.

So it seems like the age gap just keeps getting bigger.

I mean, the girls, they just... they keep getting younger?

Well, like, Leslie keeps getting older, and they all stay 21.

Hold up. It's a complicated process to select the correct tour van...

Oh, my God.

That's crazy.

...in order to haul your fussy little pusses across...

How about this one?

[Agnyss laughs]

So where are we going to go?

Uh, as far away as we can f*cking...


...get from Los Angeles.

f*ck, that's baller.


It's so good.

Hop in. See if this is the one.


This one... This is like we all have our own bed.

Josh can sleep in the back while I drive.

If you're sober.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not driving.

This is what we're going to do.

I'm going to put little blankies.

I'm going to make little nests.

And I'm going to feed you little gummy worms as we go.

You're out of your f*cking mind.


How you folks doing?

Oh, here he is.

Hi. Richard.

Hi, Joshua Pfefferman.

How are you?

I'm good.

Hi. - Hey.

My girls love this one.

Yep. Pretty girls need a pretty van.

Yes, they do.

Now, the base model on this one starts at 39.5.

So, right off the bat, what's the lowest you can go?

Just no f*cking around.

Um... I might be able to swing, uh, 38.


But that's really...

That's as low as I can go without losing my job.

38? Okay.

Uh, where you from?

Encino. You?

Pacific Palisades.


We got two Cali boys here.

Two Cali boys!

There we go.

That's what I'm talking about.

What can you do for a fellow Angelino?

Because I think you can do better than 38.

I know you can do better than 38.

I... I really can't.

Like 32.

[snapping fingers]


That's physically not possible.

Treinta y dos.

Right? Right? Right?

You will sell me this van for $32,000.

I know you need this commission, and if you don't, I'm going to walk away.

Owned and f*cking poned.

All right, who's got a license?


See you back at the studio, all right?

Last one to the studio buys Pinkberry.


Ali: And then Syd bailed, and now I have to go to Idyllwild all by myself.

Isn't that Leslie woman there?

Yeah, but that's exactly why I don't want to go by myself.

I don't want to seem like one of her little groupies.

You should see this little baby bird little... excommunicated from the Mormon Church coming out of her bedroom all f*cked into oblivion like a...

Oh, my God.

Isn't she old?

She is older.

She is extremely sexy, very smart, and I really, really like her, and I think that I'm too old for her.

I'm not kidding. She likes them real little.

I got to meet this woman.

Oh, my God. Come with me to Idyllwild.

You can meet her, and then I don't have to go alone.

No. I can't. I can't.

I got the cable guy coming to install the bigger TV.

Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth?

In case you didn't, the cable guy coming to install the bigger TV.



Shelly: Hi!



This place looks great.

Yeah. Isn't this amazing?

Looks like we're in Key West.

That makes sense.

Very festive, Mom.

1, 2, 1, 2, 3.

Is Josh coming?

No. I, uh, I invited him, but he's still a little depressed.

Yeah. So am I.

I thought Raquel was going to be my sister-in-law.

It's awful.

It's tragic.

We all thought it was gonna work out differently.

Is that a margarita machine?

Yes, Buzzy bought it for me.

Hi, Buz.

Hey, girls.

Wow, a new grill.

Yes, he bought that for me, too.

He loves his meat.

I love his meat.

Oh, Mom, ew.

Can I get one of these?

Yeah, in a minute.

I made the plates too small.

I have to do with my finger.

Did he move in?

He lives on a houseboat on Lake Havasu, and the commute was getting to be too much, so he has a drawer.

I don't know how to work this yet. Here.

Oh, a yellow watermelon. This is very exotic.

I knew you'd like that.

Thanks for bringing this.

I wonder if this is an aphrodisiac.

Whoo, I hope so.

I just feel like no one understands me.

Well, I felt like that, and I know what you're saying.

You know, there's always darkness before the... the storm? Dawn?

And I'm dead.

This is hard.

I know.

It's really hard.

I know. It's okay, though.

You just have to get in there and intercept what they're feeling.

They're... They're about to harm themselves.

You have to keep them from harming themselves.




This is harder than I thought.


I've had those thoughts.

This is you.

Oh, my God.

su1c1de and...

Sometimes I just feel like it would be easier is I just wasn't here.

When was this?

Uh, freshman year of high school, sophomore year... Hmm.

All of high school and into college.

Pretty much until about three years ago when, uh, I don't know.

I guess I still have my days.


Now you listen to me.

If you ever have those thoughts, you call me, all right?

I mean, even the slightest thought like that, I mean, really, you call me because I'll come over, and I'll tell you how fantastic and wonderful and unique and what a gorgeous soul you are and what a crappy, f*ck world this would be without you.

Do you understand me?

You're such a good mom.

Okay, who likes them bloody?


Let's go, let's go.

They're perfect.


That is a lot of meat.

A lot of meat.

Does that say something?

An artist always signs his work.

Wow. "Buzzy meat."

Yeah, yeah. It's from Sky Mall.

They have all kinds of nifty gadgets there.

Do you want one? I can get you one.

Okay, everybody, you are looking... at the new president of the condo board.


Yeah, hurray.

It was a landslide victory.

But guess what.


After the first meeting, I wanted to quit.

Yeah. Sitting around listening to a bunch of alte kochers talk about what color they should paint the facackteh speed bumps.

[speaking Yiddish]

So Buzzy says to me...

So I told her you need to do what you want in this life, not what you feel like you should be doing.

Just quit.

Just quit.

Just quit.

So you quit after the first meeting?

Yes. Tell them about the cruise.

I'm taking your mother on a five-day Alaskan cruise.

Five days. And you know what?

If you look in the brochure, there is a picture of a buffet... you know the raw bar buffet... with clams, oysters, uh, sh-shrimp the size of your arm, and... and... and scallops the size of footballs.

And it's all... it's all for free.

Okay, you know what? I got to go wash my hands.

Ali: Yeah, I got to pee.

Where are you going?

What is going on?

I don't know.

What is that person?

I don't understand.

That's a plant.

These aren't real.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

It's real, and it's alive.

Oh, my God. She's... she's f*cking watering plants?

There's a clean faucet.

She's in limerence.

It is so clean in here.

She's in limerence.

She's in what?


What's limerence?

Puppy love, early days.

It makes you clean your cabinets?

She got a bidet.

Oh, my God, I love those things.

It's so clean and neat and organized.

These are, like, $500.

I guess Buzzy likes his taint cleaned.

It's got pulsate, oscillate...

Where is all the shit?

...high, medium, low.

Cold, hot.

Where's my Kleenex cozy I made for her in fifth grade? I can't...

[water gushing]


Oh, my God.

She threw away my needlepoint Kleenex cozy?


This is so warm and wet.

Als. Als, close the door.


Close the f*cking door.

I gave it all to the Hadassah League.

I got rid of all those boxes of moldy clothes and toys in the garage, too.

I... I can breathe.

Mama, my artwork was in those boxes.

What artwork?

All my old artwork from my freshman year at Bard.

My... My paintings and my collage and my video pieces.

Buzzy says that if you hold an item in your hand and it doesn't give you joy, you should get rid of it.

I didn't want to be like one of those hoarders on television.


Jesus, Mom.

Everything is gone.

You didn't want to keep anything, Mom?


None of the artwork I made for you as a kid?

What about the painting of you holding that baby?

That painting did not give me joy.

It was very unattractive. I looked so angry.

Whose baby was that anyway?

It was a symbolic baby, Mom. It was a painting.

Well, anyway, I've been telling you kids to come pick up your stuff for months.


I am not a storage facility.

Your father is the one with the enormous house.

[loud groan]


Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm, mm-mm.



You need some help?

Not really. My... our mom threw out all of our stuff, so we're just looking for it.


Could you be a little gentle, please? Just...


Thank you.

Good hunting.

Okay. Thanks.

You know, I could have been a painter.

Probably should have been a painter.

My teacher said I had unusual raw talent.

Someone gave their Bible away.

You think they lost faith?

I'm losing faith that we're ever going to find our stuff.

I need to start doing something, something bigger than myself, anything, just something really big.

Really? Something really big?

Like a really big music festival in a big forest full of big vaginas and big fires and big hugs from your sister?

Josh: Look at this traffic.

They time it out so you can't get anywhere.

It's a f*cking conspiracy is what it is.

Come on, f*ck. Come on!


Josh, for real.

If I could go around him I would, but this bitch with...

Chill out.

...the f*cking children in the car is f*cking with me.


What the f*ck is wrong with them?

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

You're being a dick, Josh.




Oh, my God.

You're so embarrassing.

f*cking go, you piece of shit!

You're freaking me out!

They're f*cking boxing me in!


Oh, my God, stop it!

Seriously, what is happening to you?

I think you should pull over.



Josh? Are you all right?


I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Do you think a bear can work this zipper?



Yes, you know.

They prefer knobs, but they like a good zipper.

Oh, you're just a jerk.






What's going on? What is all this?

We're going to Idyllwild Womyn's Music Festival.

We're camping.

We're checking out our new gear.

It's Womyn. Womyn's Festival with a Y.

That's wonderful.

We're going to drink and dance and shake our tits in the wind.

[gasp] Is that it?


It just came.

What is that?

Oh, it's a, uh, it's a service that regenders childhood photos.

Come over here.

Sarah: Really?

That's so cool. Let's see.

You, like, send your pictures in?

Of course. Now look.

Wait a second. Can you wait?

Hold on, hold on.



Oh, my God, look. They put a bow in your hair.

It's so beautiful what they do.

Look, look.


Oh, my God.

Sarah: Oh. Is that your bar mitzvah?

God, just imagine if you could have been her your whole life.



Then I would be shaking my tits in the wilderness... with my daughters.

♪ ♪ [rock guitar]

Maura, Sarah: Yeah.

Ali: Yeah.

All right.

♪ Well, darkness has a hunger ♪
♪ That's insatiable ♪
♪ Insatiable ♪
♪ And lightness has a call ♪
♪ That's hard to hear ♪
♪ Hard to hear ♪
♪ I wrap my fear around me ♪
♪ Like a blanket ♪
♪ A blanket ♪
♪ I sailed my ship to safety ♪
♪ Till I sank it ♪
♪ I sank it ♪
♪ I'm crawlin' on your shores ♪
♪ I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains ♪
♪ I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains ♪
♪ There's more than one answer to these questions ♪
♪ Pointing me in a crooked line ♪
♪ And unless I seek my source ♪
♪ From some definitive ♪
♪ Closer I am to God, yeah ♪
♪ Closer I am to God ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I sent to see the doctor of philosophy ♪
♪ With a poster of Rasputin ♪
♪ And a beard down to his knee ♪
♪ He never did marry ♪
♪ Or see the great movie ♪
♪ He graded my performance ♪
♪ He said he could see through me ♪
♪ I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind ♪
♪ Got my paper, and I was free ♪
♪ I went to the doctor ♪
♪ I went to the mountains ♪
♪ I looked to the children ♪
♪ I drank from the fountains ♪
♪ There's more than one answer ♪
♪ To these questions ♪
♪ Pointing me in a crooked line ♪
[fading] ♪ And unless I seek my... ♪