01x03 - Trapped in a Well

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God.

Officers, what's going on? You can tell me.

I have my finger on the pulse of everything that happens here.

Oh, these are costumes. We're just extras.

Oh. Oh, right. I knew that.

Ana, how long have you worked here?

You still don't know the difference between what's real and what's fake?

Please, I can tell the difference.

[shouting]

Like, they are just rehearsing.

[laughs] Good morning!

Missed you at yoga today.

Prop martini?

Sure.

Uh, real blind man. Fake pregnant woman.

Real plant, fake butt.

Mm-hmm.

Real baby!

Fake baby.

♪ I know what I want ♪
♪ I know what I want ♪

Okay, watch the feathers.

♪ I know what I want ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

Good morning.

Morning!

Just fixing your mic.

Thanks, Marcos.

Oh, can I have some?

No!

Sorry, I have a cold.

Oh, thanks for telling me.

I don't want to catch any of your germs.

Action!

[Soft Latin music]

So much for not catching germs.

Whoa!

Ooh!

[all gasp]

Cut!

Guys, calm down. It's not real.

Help...

Oh! Yeah! It's real!

Super real!

Oh!

[flamenco music]

♪ ♪

Okay, everybody. Gather round. Morning announcements.

I have an update on Marcos after his fall.

He's no longer with us.

[All gasp]

This week. This week, guys.

[All sigh]

Oh, my God, you guys are so quick to gasp on this show.

[gasps] Ah!

[All gasp]

Okay, come on. You got to stop that.

[all sigh]

Isaac.

Ah!

Sorry, I'm a little bit jumpy.

Marcos's fall was just the first.

Accidents on this show always happen in threes.

[grunting] Ah!

Ah!

[screams]

And I'm always one of them.

Oh, no. I need to be careful.

I'm very clumsy.

None of my teeth are real.

[tapping]

You need three random dudes to help you toast a bagel?

[snorts] That's my manager, my assistant, and my security guard.

[laughs] That's your uncle, your neighbor, and Kevin from your old boy band.

What's up, Kevin?

Hi.

I just think it's silly you can't go anywhere without an entourage.

Really? 'Cause I never see you without your entourage.

What are you talking about?

Well, you used to say it all the time when we were married.

She's your personal assistant. He's your hype man.

What?

[scoffs] Hold this.

You're crazy.

Go, Ana. That's right.

You do you.

Mm-hmm.

Mm, no, that way. It's this way.

[snorts]

[snorts]

[snorts]

What's going on here?

I never thought I would say this, but my pants are too tight.

[sighs]

Hey, Xavi, you psyched to rehearse for our big scene tomorrow?

I kidnap you, break your arm, and throw you in a well.

Fun!

Yeah, I'm not really into rehearsing.

I just don't like to overthink things.

You should have heard Mr. Go With The Flow's improvised wedding vows.

"Let's give it up for Ana!

Let's give it up for Aunt Mary.

Let's give it up for the priest!"

Heh, we gave it up for everyone.

Look, it works for me.

Even in my first big break, I was in a boy band.

The Basta Boys! Or whatever.

Oh, maybe you know our big song.

♪ Girl, I want to say hola, hola ♪
♪ But all you say is adios ♪

Oh, I used to hate that song!

Till it paid for my bathroom remodel.

When I auditioned, I didn't know the dance moves.

I didn't know the songs.

I just went in with baby girl here.

We did our thing.

And I got the last spot in the band.

I guess things just come easy to me.

Well, this is not a boy band.

This is important work.

And since you're in the show now, you have to take it seriously.

All right. All right.

If it means that much to you, I'll rehearse.

Great. Come by my place later.

But first, my eyebrow coach is here.

Whoa, you have an eyebrow coach?

[whip cracks]

Oh, wow. He's good.

Ooh, Ana.

I want to talk to you about what Xavi said.

Did you just eat something out of your bra?

Mm, a mint. Want one?

Well, I'm trying to decide how disgusting that is.

Eh, I've eaten worse out of worse.

Everyone here's so grabby, I decided to hide the things that were important to me... my mints, my lip gloss, my phone charger.

It's like my bra pocketbook.

Ah, your bra-cketbook.

[laughs]

Both: Nailed it!

Hey, I want to talk to you about what Xavi said.

About what?

You know I'm not your personal assistant, right?

Of course you're not.

Mm, okay.

So you never joked to Xavi about it?

No... I mean, maybe, like, once or twice.

Ana!

Ana's gone and done it this time.

What are you doing here?

Came for the fitting, staying for the fight.

We're not fighting.

Yes.

Mimi's just an amazing friend who does nice things.

Nothing to talk about.

Okay, well, there is kind of something to talk about if you're making fun of me for it.

Zing! Point, Mimi.

Ow!

Let's talk about this later.

We're talking about it now.

With her here?

Boom!

Ana goes down for the count.

Okay, you know what?

That's it.

Wait a minute.

We're just getting started here, ladies.

No.

What is... hey! That's not fair!

Out.

All right, look.

Ana! Open this door!

It's important to you, it's important to me.

Why don't we talk about it during lunch?

Thank you for taking it seriously.

Mm-hmm.

Both: Mm.

[sighs]

What are you looking at?

Nice hat, dummy.

Roxie, don't sit there.

[gasps] What is that?

That's the "Trapped in the Well" set.

Roxie, this stage is super dangerous.

There's this well, the t*rture room.

Last week, we had a panther.

Did anyone ever find him?

No.

If we're gonna survive this, we have to look out for each other.

So if a guy was behind you with a giant cactus, I should warn you?

Yes.

Are you warning me right now?

Not yet... duck!

Oy.

Sorry I'm late, dude.

I couldn't figure out the code to your gate.

It's just a handle.

Ho! What?

There's a pool party?

This is Miami. There's always a pool party.

You know, it's too noisy down here.

Let's head up to my place to rehearse.

Hot girls, a barbecue.

Is that Chris Bosh?

Yeah, he lives on my floor.

Hey, Bosh!

When am I gonna get my measuring cups back?

When I finish my Boston cream pie.

Family recipe. It's really good.

Man, I want to be a DJ. That's so cool.

[laughs] You know, I know you lucked into being a Basta Boy, but you cannot just be a DJ.

It's harder than it looks.

Trust me; I went to DJ camp.

[hip-hop music]

You know, it's not as easy as, like, wicka-wicka... what?

[dance music]

♪ ♪
♪ Ooh, your body, body ♪

Pants still too tight? I'll get it.

Oh! I am so sore.

Oh, I shouldn't have gone to spin class.

Spin class?

Oh.

Is that where you were?

I waited at lunch for you for over an hour.

I had to listen to Gustavo talk about his scrotal reduction surgery.

You don't get coffee.

That was my coffee.

I'll get you another coffee. Ana, what the hell?

You knew this talk was important to me.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, my spin class was so hard.

I'm glad you had a bad spin class.

Are you gonna fight?

No!

Yes.

We are?

Ana, I'm tired of you acting like my feelings don't matter.

Well, can't we just forget that I did that?

No, nobody's forgetting anything.

[all gasp]

Ana!

I hate these pants!

[monitor beeping]

Ana? Ana?

What happened?

A light fell and hit your head.

Am I okay?

[Flatline droning]

Oh, my God. Am I dead?

You seem okay. Do you remember your name?

Ana knows her name is Ana.

You guys are kind of giving away the answers.

Does she have amnesia?

Do you know what year it is?

Do you know what year it is?

Amnesia's no joke. My character has it, I think.

I don't remember.

She doesn't have amnesia.

You guys have been working in telenovelas too long.

You're desensitized to crazy things.

I'm gonna get you some ice, honey, okay?

All right, everybody. Give her space. Let's go.

Come on.

That was the second accident.

Do you know what that means?

There's only one accident left.

So one of us will be spared.

Both: Good luck.

Jinx.

I'm Gael, and I'm gay.

Gael, I know you're gay.

I don't have amnesia.

But Mimi's not fighting with me anymore.

Yeah, she's so worried about you, she forgot she was mad.

I wonder how long that's gonna last.

Why don't you just talk to her?

You're supposed to be my hype man.

♪ Go, Ana, keep ignoring ♪
♪ Do your bad friend thing ♪

Mm.

I'm trying.

I'm just worried if we start talking about all the things that I've done wrong, Mimi's gonna realize I'm not worth being friends with.

That will never happen, but at some point, she's gonna remember she's mad at you.

Unless I do have amnesia.

Ana, don't. Mimi will know you are lying.

I am an actor. I know how to fake amnesia.

Here you go, Ana.

Ana? Who's Ana?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Come on, Bosh. Second time is not an accident.

No, it is not.

This is ridiculous.

Yes.

Excuse me.

Dude, I'm k*lling this. Check this out.

I bring the music down.

All: Aw!

And then I bring it up and...

[crowd cheering]

This dude is awesome!

Okay, enough DJ shenanigans.

Whoo! DJ Shenanigans. That's gonna be my name.

Xavi, you were supposed to come over to rehearse.

You're not taking this seriously.

You're taking this too seriously.

You're at a party, man. You got to have fun.

Raise your hands if you think I'm right!

All: Whoo!

You were my least favorite Basta Boy.

[grunts]

Ana, how are you feeling?

Uh, I'm Paulo, the PA.

Paulo. That's a nice name.

Uh, I'm fine, except for the amnesia.

I can't remember how to put gas in my car.

Oh, no problem. I'm on it.

Oh, thanks.

This is so fun. Everyone thinks I have amnesia.

Hey, not everybody.

So your brain still broken?

Yeah, Dr. Ramirez even said so.

Dr. Ramirez is our part-time set medic.

Last week, she called blood "yucky."

Well, I wouldn't know. I have amnesia.

Are we really doing this?

All right.

Does Ana really have amnesia?

[disgusted sigh] Apparently.

How tragic.

Ana, dear. It's me, Isabella.

Your idol.

Ah, let me guess. You play the grandma on the show?

Funny.

That's why we're such good friends.

In fact, right before you lost your memory, you promised me your parking space right at the front door.

So thoughtful.

Uh, that doesn't sound like something Ana would say.

Yeah, well, this guy seems to really know me well, so let's just go with what he said.

Or we just might have to trust Isabella that she remembers correctly, unless you remember it differently.

No.

Enjoy the spot.

I'm Isaac. I'm the writer.

And I don't owe you any money.

Okay.

[giggles]

Hey, Gustavo, um, before Ana lost her memory, didn't she promise to give you a massage?

Did she?

I guess so.

[sighs]

Let's do it.

Uh, wait.

Oh!

Ohhhhh.

[forced laugh]

Looks like you won this round.

Yep.

[moans]

Oh, I'm not even touching you!

Has anyone seen my guitar?

Looks like I finally found something you take seriously.

What did you do?

Oh, don't worry.

Your precious guitar is safe.

But good luck finding her.

You're holding baby girl hostage?

You can't do this!

[evil laughter] Oh, but I did.

[maniacal laughter]

[clears throat]

Right. Right.

Sorry.

[flamenco guitar flourish]

[cat meows]

Yes!

Hey, I went online and looked up amnesia.

You did?

Actually, I went online to find sexy pictures of Michael Strahan.

But while I was there, I read that memory loss due to head injuries is pretty common, so on the off-off-off chance that there's some truth to this, I trust you.

I'm just glad you're okay.

Well, thank you.

You need a ride home?

You probably shouldn't be driving.

Yeah, let me just get my stuff.

Hey, do you have a bra mint? My breath is not great.

You're lying.

No, seriously, all I had for dinner was hummus.

I told you about my bra-cketbook this morning, before you hit your head.

You don't have amnesia.

Who are you? Where am I?

Ow! Oh, you're blind now too? Stop it!

You start the morning by calling me your personal assistant, and then you blow me off and spend the day lying to me.

We are having this out right now.

No, we're not! Nuh-uh!

Seriously?

Get back here!

You know I can't run with these things.

Ana. Ana!

Oh!

Ana!

[chuckles] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Ana?

[shrieks]

[thud]

Get back here. Ana!

I hate how small you are.

Okay, fine. Be a baby.

I'm going home.

Yes!

Uh-oh.

Hello?

Can someone get me out of here?

[door slams]

Mimi?

[yelling]

Did you hear something?

Nah.

It's probably just the panther.

Okay, this is Rodrigo's dressing room. We're gonna break in.

We're gonna grab my guitar, and we're gonna go.

♪ Hola ♪

♪ Wanna say hola, hola ♪
♪ But all you say is adios ♪
♪ I just want to give you one more beso... mwa! ♪

What he hell?

♪ Hola, ho... ♪

This is not what it looks like.

Good, 'cause I'm not sure what that looks like.

Okay. Okay.

[grunts]

Ah!

I got it!

[laughs]

Ah!

I was supposed to be a Basta Boy.

I spent months learning those songs, dances, the hair flip.

That part was mine.

But instead, they chose some little punk who didn't even care.

Classic Kevin.

It was you.

My dream was to be on that stage, crowd cheering as I hip, hip, elbow, trust!

Good thrust.

You know, it's just not fair that I have to work so hard at things and they come so easy to you.

Man, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't take that rehearsal stuff seriously.

I'll get better at that.

I'm sorry I stole your guitar.

Come on.

I'm not gonna let your hard work go to waste.

I'm also sorry I slashed your tires.

Sorry, what?

What?

♪ All I want to say is hola, hola ♪

♪ But all you say is adios ♪
♪ I want to give you one more beso ♪

Mwa!

Ana?

Oh, my God! You found me!

I'm in here!

[gasps] You came back for me!

Yes, I could psychically tell you were in trouble.

Really?

No.

I came back to steal snacks.

The kids have a soccer game this weekend.

Oh, either way. Get me out of here.

No, not until we have this fight.

♪ All I want to say is hola, hola ♪

No, no, no. Don't avoid me. We are doing this.

Right here, right now. Right here... whoo!

[thud]

Ah.

Wow.

This is way smaller than it looks.

Okay, you ready to talk?

[cries]

What are you... what...

[sniffles]

Are you crying? Why are you crying?

I can't lose you, Mimi.

You held my hand through my divorce.

You're the only one who knows my true cup size.

Both: Big A, small B.

Mm-hmm.

You're the most important person in the world to me.

Then why have you been avoiding me all day?

Because I'm afraid if we start talking about all the dumb stuff I do, you're gonna think I'm a horrible person and leave me.

Ana, that's insane. You're my best friend.

I would never leave you.

You're my best friend.

Mm.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, just... right... Mm.

Let's just get out of here.

Okay.

Let me call Gael. Hold on. Okay.

[smash] Oh!

I think we're stuck in here all night.

[sighs] Well, maybe that's not a bad thing.

How?

I've been avoiding it long enough.

We're gonna truly build our friendship.

Go ahead and tell me all the things I've done.

Really? Okay.

I mean, I don't know, it's just...

I mean, you say "ape-ricots" instead of "apricots."

You're not really allergic to hiking; you just don't like it.

Listen, in 2006, you told me bread wasn't a carb, and I believed you for three years and 35 pounds.

And how come you always say "Yo, MTV Raps," and every time I sneeze, you slap my butt?

Why?

Oh, boy.

[boy band music]

♪ Girl, I want to say hola, hola ♪
♪ But all you say is adios ♪
♪ I just want to give you one more beso... mwa! ♪
♪ All you got do to is say so ♪
♪ Say so ♪
♪ Hola, hola, baby, don't say adios ♪
♪ I want to give you one more beso... mwa! ♪
♪ All you got do to is say so ♪
♪ Say so ♪
♪ Ooh, Basta, ooh, Basta ♪
♪ Ooh, Basta, Basta Boys ♪
♪ Mami, you and me make dos ♪
♪ Por favor, don't you say adios ♪
♪ Your smile's gold, your hair's the blondest ♪
♪ Like when I met you at the orthodontist ♪
♪ 'Dontist! ♪
♪ When girls ask me if I'm open to do ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I say no ♪
♪ Me and you ♪
♪ Uh, what's that noise, oh ♪

All: ♪ It's the ladies screaming out "Basta Boys" ♪
♪ Basta Boys, Basta Boys ♪

I think that looked cooler in our heads.

[frog croaks]

And you blow kisses so loud, you're like a loud kiss-blower.

Now you're just making stuff up.

Okay, I think you've suffered enough.

Ugh, thank you for letting me do that.

Oh!

Mm.

Oh, I didn't think I'd be so happy to see you guys.

Mwa! Mwa!

Oh, sweet Isabella.

Oh.

If I see your car in my spot, it's getting towed.

You must be thirsty.

[pants creak]

Ah!

Screw it.

You guys were stuck in the well?

That's the third accident.

[gasps] We're safe!

[cackles]

I'm not hurt. Are you?

No, I don't think that counts as the third accident.

Watch out. I spilled some water...

Both: Whoa!

[All gasp]

Yow, that was the third accident.

[moans]

You okay?

Yeah.

Mmm, I am so hungry.

I thought we were never gonna eat again.

You were only in the well for three hours.

♪ Want to give you one more beso... mwa! ♪

Seriously? Listening to your own music?

Yeah.

♪ Hola, hola ♪

You know what? I actually don't hate that song anymore.

♪ Baby, don't say adios ♪
♪ I want to give you one more beso... mwa! ♪
♪ All you got do to is say so ♪
♪ Say so ♪

Hey, there, dance party!

Come on!

Let's go, guys.

♪ Baby, you and me make dos ♪
♪ Por favor, don't you say adios ♪

Whoo!

♪ Like when I met you at the orthodontist ♪
♪ 'Dontist ♪

I'm getting serious now.

Whoo!

♪ Uh, what's that noise, oh ♪
♪ It's the ladies screaming out "Basta Boys" ♪

Oh, no, she didn't!

Oh, no, she didn't.

Oh, yes, she did.