01x06 - The Hurricane

With winds coming from the Gulf, the storm is moving quickly but in a predictable pattern.

The hurricane should reach Miami by tomorrow night.

Oh, no!

This storm sounds pretty bad.

Should we be worried?

Roxie, we'll be fine.

Hurricanes hit Miami all the time.

Yeah, you can always tell how bad they're gonna be based on their names.

Hurricane Isabel was one of the most destructive on record.

Yeah, and this one's named Chloe, so it should be a cute, little storm.

I am now getting a--

Okay, don't shoot the messenger, but these are your costumes for tomorrow's deserted island scene.

And since we have to be practically naked on camera tomorrow, I'm banning all food from set for the next 24 hours starting in two minutes.

What? No!

Are you kidding?

Hey, hey, hey, we don't want a repeat of when we shot the day after Thanksgiving.


[button ricochets]

I ate an entire pecan pie.

Ugh, I pe-can't even.

One minute and 45 seconds before all the food disappears.

Dios mio, she's serious.

To the food, vamonos!


[upbeat music]

[chuckles] I'm so glad I'm not an actor.

Oh, you're not gonna get to eat either, Isaac.

What? Why do us less beautiful have to suffer?

You wrote it.


Here we go, five more seconds.

Five, four, three, two, food down!

Ha ha!

See? This is how we stay sexy.

[flamenco music]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

All right, crying's not happening.

We'll put the tears in post.


[bell rings]

Oh, great job, you guys.

We fasted for 24 hours and we look amazing.

Now let's get out of these clothes, our makeup off, and eat like people who aren't on camera.

Just for the record, I can cry on cue.

[strained breathing]

Am I doing it?

No, but your desperation is so sad, Roxie's crying.


He's trying so hard, you know?

Um-- whoa.

Excuse me.


I'll take that.


Coming through.

Crew sure wants to leave.

They're taking this hurricane pretty seriously.

It's not the hurricane.

They always leave the second they're done with work.

Are we that difficult to be around?



We're amazing.

If it does turn into something more serious, don't worry.

I'm your Set Safety Captain.

I should go reread the hurricane chapter in my safety manual.

The info will blow you away.

See? Safety can be fun.

Gael is our Safety Captain?

Yeah. What's the problem?

The guy got so nervous during our CPR seminar, he started hyperventilating and needed CPR.

Which was great practice for the rest of us.

Look, he's very qualified.

He was an Eagle Scout, plus he went through the most grueling survival training of all-- greeter orientation at Abercrombie & Fitch.

If you say so.

Trust me, he's the best guy for the job.

Let me guess, you couldn't get anyone else to do it.

No, training was seven Saturdays in a row.

I ain't got time for that.

At least this is sort of a real thing.

Last week you made him president of lunch.

I like making Gael feel important.

He's like a little brother to me.

I mean, a little brother I'd like to sleep with if he wasn't gay, but... [laughs]

Yeah, that felt weird as I said it.

Look, don't tell Gael he made Safety Captain by default.

He's very sensitive.

You know how actors are.

They freak out if you tell them the truth.

Your lipstick's crooked.


I told Ila-- Oh, testing the theory, good one.

But seriously, is it crooked?



Rodrigo, did I give you the wrong-size trunks?

No, these fit this morning.

I have a really fast metabolism.

Since Ana banned all food on set, I'm already down two pounds.


Oh, I know.

All this starving myself is making me hungry.

When I get home, I'm gonna eat my weight in fish sticks.

I'm still not used to your hair like that.

Ah, well, the kids are at their abuela's, so Mami got a blowout.

Mami? I've been calling her Mimi this whole time.

Ah, don't worry. The second my hair gets wet, the curls come right back, but in five days when it's still straight, doesn't mean I didn't shower.

I just use a shower cap and this hose thingy, and you know what?

I don't need to defend myself to you people.

Oh, oh, sorry.

Oh, gosh, we are stuck.

How do you like that?

I guess I would have to take my robe off, and then your shirt would have to come off too.

We'd be naked together.

That'd be crazy.

Is that gonna happen?

Guess not. See you later.


I was just kidding about that naked thing.

[laughs nervously]

Well, somebody's got a crush.

What? No. Is it that obvious?

Have I been voted sexiest bald man in Miami three years in a row?

Yes, I have, and yes, it's obvious.

It's stupid.

It's not like I have a chance with her, right?

I'm a religious man, and I believe in miracles, but no.

[lighthearted music]

Gael, what are you wearing?

Oh, it's never too early to be prepared, so I've got my safety sash, my safety badge, and my whistle.


Fun fact, one of my first jobs was whistle model.

[blows whistle]

Oh, he's good.

What's with the cones?

In the safety classes, they'd always say, "Put out the cones."

They didn't say what to do with them, so I figured I would use them to point out the exit.


Yeah, okay. but they're kind of blocking the exit, so I don't-- That's so--

You are killing this.

You're killing it.

Responsible, organized, and one of the few people who can pull off orange.

You are headed home, right?

A good Safety Captain never leaves until everyone is safely out.


Hmm, that's true.

Thanks again, Ana, for making me Safety Captain.

It really means a lot to me.

I need more cones.

Okay, yes.


You see how happy I made him?

He is walking on sunshine.

Which is ironic given the circumstances.

Oh, what's the harm in letting him have a little fun?

It's not like it's a real natural disaster.

It's little Chloe.

You're right.


♪ ♪

Wow, everyone really left quickly.

Even Conception in reception.

Yeah, she said something about getting home before the big storm and a story about her niece, which, frankly, I did not listen to.

Why is everyone overreacting about the storm?

Yeah, I'm sure it's not that bad.

♪ ♪

[heavy rainfall]

Oh, it's bad.

Oh, ah, where did he get all these cones?

What happened to your hair?


Hurricane Chloe is here, and it's really bad.

The mayor has closed all roads, and everyone must stay adentro, okay?

Not outdoors, indoors.

Like, don't even think about leaving, oyeron?

Seriously? We can't leave?

Why didn't they give us any warning?

But we're all starving.

And there's no food.

What are we gonna do?

Don't worry, everyone, I'm the Safety Captain.

You know what? We're gonna be fine.

I mean, how bad can it be?

[all gasp]

Be careful. There are cones everywhere.

As your Set Safety Captain, I think we should focus on what the safety manual calls "the three Bs": blankets, batteries, and the buddy system.

So everyone pair up with a friend and--

Uh, what if you aren't buddies with anyone here?

And why do we need blankets?

The power's out, so there's no AC.

It's gonna be, like, 100 degrees in here.

Even our hot Latino blood can't handle that.

According to the manual, blankets are important.

Yup, it says right here, "Blankets are important." Confirmed.

Okay. All right, Gael, I will take it from here.

All right, you guys, looks like Hurricane Chloe wasn't as harmless as we thought.

Being totally honest, Chloe's kind of a bitch, kind of like a Chrissy or a Jessica.


Luckily, we have these torches left over from that episode where the angry mob burned down the torch factory.

Yeah, but there's still no food.

Yeah, and I'm wasting away. This booty, gone.

I'm fine. I've been on a diet for the past 40 years.

Isaac, you live here. Don't you have any food?

I survive on your leftover gift baskets, but now that we're past award season, that well has dried up.

[all speaking Spanish]

Okay, all right, all right, let's just all go look for food, anything.

Well, uh-uh! No trans fats.

We're not that desperate.

Move it, man-scarf.

Okay, you need to find food fast.

When you get hungry, you lose your filter.

Remember when you did that juice cleanse last year?

And you're a ***, okay?

Keep your *** feet off the *** table and keep my *** name out of your *** mouths!


Well, in my defense, I was so *** hungry.

Hey, Isabela, what are you doing?

If I'm stuck here with you animals, I need to reapply my makeup.

But it's so dark in here.

I know.

I can't see what I'm doing.

How does it look?

[softly gasps]

It's looking good.

Can I get your help with something?

No, I hate to help people.

I just-- I need to learn how to cry on cue.

I do like to make people cry.

The only reason you're on this show is because you were married to the star, but one day your looks will fade, and all you'll have left is your horrible music.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

So when do we start?


Well, this hurricane looks like a doozy.

Guys, if I don't make it, it's been an honor knowing you.

Oh, please, don't be so dramatic.

It's not like you have a splinter.

Those things can travel through your veins and into your heart.

Let's be honest.

If things go south, I'm the first one to go.

I have no upper-body strength, little hand-eye coordination, and if we're laying our cards on the table, my will to live is pretty much nonexistent.

Tough to argue with any of that.

You know, once you accept your fate, it's actually kind of freeing.

Toothpaste? Done with it, never liked it.

What if this hurricane gets worse?

I don't want to die with any regrets.

I don't have any regrets.

I finished my bucket list when I was 23.

Turns out it's easier than you think to get on "Family Feud."

Oh, come on.

There must be something you've always wanted to do.

This could be your last chance.

Streaking is fun! [laughs]

Woo-hoo-hoo! Whoopie!

How does a cameraman get a nickname like Fat Eddie if he doesn't have a secret stash of food laying around?

Ana, I think there's a generator located--

I got 100 people starving back there.

Eight, your math is off.

Without AC, it's only gonna get hotter.

Well, excuse me for being dramatic during a natural disaster.

Ana, I think we really need to--

Oh, my God, Gael, are you still talking?

You're getting real yippy.

Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip!

Okay, okay, I think we're all a little hot and hungry--

Look, I'm the one who knows how to get us through this storm.

I went to the training sessions, and I'm the only one who knows where they keep all the cones.

Gael, the only reason you're Safety Captain is because no one else wanted to be.

Well, I'm still the one with the badge.



Is his shirt weak, or is my arm very, very strong?

I need to apologize to Gael, but until I eat, I'm not speaking to another human being.

My filter's totally gone.

Oh, yeah?

What do you really think about my kids?

Don't make me answer that.

What do you think?

Don't make me answer that.

What do you think?

I'm not sure I like the middle one.

Hmm. He grows on you.

Oh, maybe I should have listened to Gael.

I mean, he had some good ideas.

Maybe we shouldn't be wasting time looking for food.

Maybe I don't know everything.

I found food!

I do know everything!

both: Oh!

Did you really find food?

Yes, I did.

I saw my people starving and suffering and giving up, and I said, "Not on my watch."

There's something wrong with this apple.


This orange isn't that great either.

[dull thud]

This is prop food.

He's right. This is all fake.

This box says "Wheat Thicks."

No, this is real food.

Look at these grapes.

[rubbery squeaking]

How's that grape?

It's good, yeah.

Fine, it's prop food.

It's not like anybody else did anything.

[electricity whirring]


[both scream]

Well, who turned on the lights?

I did.

While Ana led you on a wild goose chase, I figured out how to reset the fuse box.

I could have turned the lights on.

But you didn't. I did.

All you did was ban food from set, and now everybody is starving.

And then you tried to trick us into eating fake food.

Yeah, what are we supposed to do with these N&Ns?

Ana's a false prophet!





You think we're screwed 'cause of me?

This is your fault.

You know why I had to ban food on set?

Because you guys have no self control.

And Xavi, if you learned how to cry on cue, we would have gotten out before the hurricane!

And everything takes so long because Rodrigo over-rolls his Rs!

What? That's r-r-r-ridiculous.

And we got a late start because of Roxie!

I was at a funeral.

Well, I'm already speaking at this volume so I can't stop now!

Hey, Ana, you're acting crazy.

And you.


Your car smells like a pee wee soccer team threw up in there.

I cleaned it three times.

You said it didn't smell anymore.

Well, it does.

Ana, we are tired of taking your abuse.

It's time for you to leave.

All those in favor of banishing Ana, say aye.

all: - Aye.




All those opposed?

Nay! Well, guess what.

There's a hurricane outside and we're stuck here.

Where am I supposed to go?


You will be fine.


All of this is red now, and I know you can't tell because my dress is red, but trust me, créeme, it's bad.

She's so beautiful.



Look, if you really want to have no regrets, you should ask her out.

I can't. You said so yourself, she'll probably just say no.

Well, there's a chance she'll say yes.

She might be lightheaded from the hunger.

I know I'm so hungry, I'm literally wasting away.

You're right. Whew.

Most of Florida will be swallowed by the storm.

Again, the red part is bad, and the green part is good.


You're being outr-r-r-rageous!

[lighthearted music]

♪ ♪

Enjoying your banishment?

I can't believe you didn't have my back.

Hey, I am very angry at you, but now I'm feeling a little lightheaded because the air conditioner's still not working, it's hot, and I'm hungry, so remind me why?

I said some stuff, but you guys made me.

Well, Gael's in charge now, so, yeah, we're doing great without you.

Oh, really?

Xavi and Rodrigo are already mid-slap fight.

Hit him. Hit him, Xavi.

[blows whistle]

Hit him again.


[blows whistle]

It's so hot.

I didn't find any food, but why do you have so many ACE bandages?

Put those down and focus.

I think we need to dig a little deeper to get you to tears.

What's your most traumatic childhood memory?

Oh, that's easy.

It was the Christmas when I was 11.

There were no presents under the tree that year.

Yes, great stuff.

No, instead of presents, we got a pool.

It was the best Christmas ever.


What? It was.

Guess what. It's still raining.

What? I'm not supposed to even be here.

All right, everyone, listen up.

[blows whistle]

In case the power goes out again, we need batteries, and we need them stat. [giggles]

Did that sound cool?

all: No.

Xavi and Isabela, I need you to--

Can't! Too sweaty.

Why don't you cry about it?

All right, do you know what we need?


I found this candy bar in the sound department.

[all gasp]

It seems like the boom guy has a sweet tooth and a serious p0rn addiction.

Let's just cut it up and share it now.

Is it real, or is it, like, another pack of Starblursts?

Have you been holding out on us?

What? No. I was saving it to share with everyone.

I'll give you 50 bucks for it.

I'll make out with you.

I'll make out with you.

We can all have some.

We just have to cut it into teeny, tiny, little pieces.

Give it.

Give it.

You people are monsters.

Give us the candy, Gael.

You know what?

Now no one gets any.

[all gasping]


There. Now what are you gonna do?

[all grunt]

♪ ♪

Are you done with that?


♪ ♪

[lighthearted music]

Woo-hoo, got another one.

Man, there are a lot of ants around here.

[fabric ripping]


I'm sorry I lied to you about Safety Captain.

That's not what I'm mad about.

That I was mean about it?


That I didn't listen to you?

Not it.

Ripped off your badge?


Man, I did a lot of bad stuff today.

Ana, the thing that really upset me was for once, I thought you were treating me like your equal, not some little brother who you would totally sleep with if he wasn't gay.

I should stop telling people that.

It's pretty weird.

Gael, I love you.

That's why I try to protect you.

I don't want some jerk to come in and steamroll you and hurt your feelings and do exactly what I did.

My God, I'm a horrible person.

You know what else is horrible?

Me as Safety Captain.

I'm sorry I didn't have more faith in you.

The truth is if I was stuck on an actual deserted island, the only thing I'd want with me is you.


I would want matches, sunscreen, maybe a water purification system--

Yeah, I was just being sweet.

Oh, right, sorry.

[both laugh softly]

Well, you and I made up, but everyone else is still mad at us.

About that, I do have an idea.

Well, whatever it is, I'm 100% on board.

Okay, maybe like 80% on board.

We're going out into the hurricane.

This is so you don't blow away.

The only way to stop everyone from being mad at us is to feed them, so we run to the Cuban market down the street.

Actually, that guy's been giving me dirty looks, and I don't love his chip selection, so new plan.

We hit the mini mart next to the gas station and run back before being swallowed up by the storm.

Okay. Let's do this.

I have total faith in you.

Besides, if we die, how cute would our obituary pics look next to each other?

So cute.


Okay, on the count of three, are you ready?


One, two, three.

If I die, give my massage chair to Mimi!

♪ square one, square two, square three and again ♪

[both screaming]

♪ I live my life like I'm on a hopscotch ♪

Where did Chloe go?

I don't know.



How did we not know it was over?

We should really watch the news more.

Well, we should probably go tell everybody the storm is gone.


♪ everything will be washed away ♪

At least I'm gonna leave behind a beautiful corpse.

♪ I live my life like I'm on a hopscotch ♪

Guys, we have food.


Oh! I've never been so happy to see you guys.

Actually, I've never been happy to see you guys.

You r-r-really, r-r-really r-r-rock.

Wow, I do roll my Rs too much.

I can't believe you two idiots went out into that storm.

You could have been killed.

I know.

Gael and I barely escaped with our lives.


♪ oh, my skies are clear ♪

[both laugh]

So it's best everyone just stay inside until the storm clears.

Which could be in the next five to ten minutes because storms are crazy like that.


These corn chips are to die for.

Comes in smokin' bacon cheddar?

Oh, no, they didn't.

This box is harder to open than a Christmas present.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, less jokes, more opening.

I think I just ate the wrapper.

Xavi, you're crying.

I can't help it.

This pudding is so good.

Wait. Can you cry from happiness?


Oh, my God.

Acting is so easy.

Finally, the hurricane is over.

I'm out of here, and I better be getting overtime.

♪ ♪

Oh, again?

We really need to watch where we're walking.


I know once we leave, things are gonna go back to normal, and I don't want to have any regrets, so here it goes.

I like you.

You're beautiful and fun and smarter than people think, and I know there is zero chance you would ever go out with a guy like me, so I'm gonna let you say no right now, and then we can move on and go back to being friends.

Roxie, will you go out on a date with me, blah, blah, blah?

Great, see you tomorrow.



Wait, that's not a no?

It's not a no.

She said not a no.

She said not a no! She said not a no!