01x10 - Caught In The Act

[bunniefuu]

Check here.

Operation "keep Ana in the dark" in effect.

Go, go, go!

Good morning.

Oh, your usual Six Venice and a sh*t of espresso.

Thank you.

Okay, let's go the long way.

Yeah, it's more scenic.

Okay.

You looking amazing.

Well...

Roses for my rose.

Oh, thank you.

That's so swe-- Ah. Ah. Thorns.

I accidentally ordered this in your size, you want it?

Mimi, you stole for me?

That means so much.

Oh, hi Meet you kissing scene co-star for today.

You have a very nice--

Thank you.

Yeah.

I know. [clears throat]

♪ livin' life just like I should ♪

And look... puppies!

Oh, my God!

Oh, this is like the best day ever!

♪ I'm good, I'm good, I'm good ♪

Who's Xavi kissing?

Damn it, she knows.

I-- I-- I...

♪ I'm good, I'm good, I'm good ♪

[music stops]

That music wasn't in my head?

Nope.

You forgot to lower the blinds, Gael.

I had to wrangle the hot guy.

I can't do everything at once.

So is that Xavi's girlfriend?

Yeah, that's Kelly.

They've been dating for like four months.

Every time she's come by we've distracted you from seeing them.

Oh, I thought it was strange that day you said I had a black widow infestation in my dressing room and made me change in my car.

Well, that was real.

Look, we just didn't want you to feel weird that Xavi has a serious girlfriend.

Oh, I can't believe you guys thought I cared about that.

Xavi and I have been over for years.

So you're okay?

Of course, I'm fine.

I don't need you to shield me from Xavi's new relationship.

I don't need all that stuff.

Touch the dog and you die.

[baby talks]

[flamenco music]

Hey, when is the funeral scene?

I have to untangle these bikinis.

Oh, that's next.

This is the fertility clinic mix-up reveal where we find out who's carrying Gael's baby.

[dramatic music]

[flamenco music]

♪ ♪

[suspenseful music]

[laughing]

[laughing]

Cut!

[buzzer]

Weird work, everybody.

[clearing throat]

We really doing this?

What?

He's pregnant?

Ow.

Come on, Isaac.

This is crazy even for telenovelas!

And last week my character ate a super-spicy pepper and got x-ray vision.

Guys, telenovelas have always been at the forefront of hot button social issues.

g*n control, same sex relationships, wearing the right sized bra.

What we're doing here is groundbreaking.

Okay, fine, it was typo.

Roxie should've been pregnant.

Happy hour mojitos, a blessing and a curse.

[chuckles]

That was good Spanish.

Well-timed and relevant to your surroundings.

I know, I've been taking Spanish lessons.

You could drop me in the middle of Mexico City and I'd be fine.

Okay, let's hear something.

Okay.

Wow, I am actually impressed.

I know! [chuckles]

What did I say?

[gasps] Ana and Xavi?

Xavi and Ana?

Shut the front door.

Oh I know, I hate that new painting.

Oh them, ew, gross.

Oh, thank you it wasn't really you.

I don't think I could handle that.

I know, weird, huh?

Ana's stand-in is dating Xavi's stand-in.

You really thought that was me?

Please, I'd rather marry Gael and have a sexless marriage.

Sexless, I should've just said, "marriage," huh, am I right?

Huh, is this thing on?

[microphone feedback]

Oh, God.

Oh, I am-- Yeah, I guess it is.

[laughing] Way to go, bro!

Oh, I love that guy.

So, I hear you have a new girlfriend.

Yeah Kelly. It's going really well.

I think she's good for me.

Oh yeah, Kelly does a Xavi good!

See, this is why I didn't tell you anything, because I knew you'd make it weird.

What? Please, I'm the cool ex-wife.

Yeah, I should stop doing that.

So four months, huh?

Next week, I know this is cheesy but I was thinking about getting her something nice to celebrate.

Like when we started dating, and you got me a shower curtain?

And the little rings that go with it.

Xavi, you're a horrible gift giver.

Well, I'm gonna get Kelly something really nice.

Like a flashlight.

First aid kit, jumper cables?

Wait, did you just clean out your car?

Yeah, then what should I get her?

I don't know, I just found out she existed five minutes ago.

Wait, you two should meet.

Then you could tell me what to get her.

Would that be weird?

No, not at all.

Why don't you bring Kelly over tonight for dinner?

And we will have a nice, not weird meal together.

Just me, my ex-husband, his girlfriend, and my girlfriend.

[chuckles]

That's gonna be awkward. Good luck.

Good luck to me?

She said, "girlfriend," clearly that means you.

Uh-uh, she said, "girl," that's gender specific.

Mimi, I'll see you at 8:00!

Damn it.

Yes!

You know, this pregnancy story really got me thinking.

Yeah, me too.

If you had a baby, where would it come out?

The bellybutton.

In the immortal words of Marisa Tomei, "My biological clock is ticking like this."

You're a "My Cousin Vinny" fan?

I feel a connection to him.

We both have trouble saying youths.

You know another hard word to say?

Wed-nes-day.

I call it Tuesday part two.

No seriously guys, I can't stop thinking what it be like to be a dad, to have a legacy.

I don't want the Suarez name to die with me.

My senior class had 24 Suarezes.

Three of them were named Rodrigo.

Dude, your name lives on.

I'm just think I'm ready for something more...

[whispers] Than Hugo.

I want a child, a two legged one.

Maybe you already have a kid.

You have been with a lot of women.

I always use protection.

Though, the men in my family are very fertile.

I was conceived through a pair of jeans on the dance floor.

Gross.

Do you keep in touch with any of your former lovers?

All of them.

There was one who stopped returning my calls ten years ago.

Maria Wilson.

And you never saw her again?

Well, she moved out of the city.

Though I saw her a few months later.

She had gained weight, mostly here.

Or she was pregnant with your baby!

Do you really think there's a chance I could be someone's father?

You could have a bastard child!

Fingers crossed!

Yeah!

So Kelly, what do you do for work?

I'm a pediatric nurse.

Oh, my God, me too!

I mean, on TV.

Pretty much the same thing.

Kelly volunteers at an animal rescue.

Me too.

On TV.

She's also a licensed pilot--

Me too!

On TV!

And a world class Samba dancer.

Me too.

TV!

I feel like we have so much in common.

Did you also spend time in Mexico with the Peace Corps?

Pretty much, yeah.

I mean, it was a spa weekend in Cabo, but I am fluent in Spanish.

Quieres más, comida?

Sí, más pavo, por favor.

Okay.

Mmm.

[clears throat]

[grunting]

Pavo?

[grunts]

Okay.

Mm-hmm. [laughing]

Yes, turkey.

Thank you.

Xavi, do you want some too?

Huh, what? I'm listening.

Have we talked about his obsession with his phone?

You could literally say anything while he's on it and he won't know.

Hey, Xavi, I'm in the witness protection program.

I sold a kidney on the black market.

My legs are bionic.

I'm a crazy stalker!

[chuckles] Hey, Kelly, want to make out?

Who's making out with who now?

Oh, you heard that?

[guitar music]

[both sigh]

Thanks for picking me up, Mimi.

Yeah, no problem, I don't mind driving an extra 50 minutes in traffic.

I have no idea where I put my keys.

Hey!

Never mind.

Xavi, I love your new girlfriend!

Kelly's almost too good for you, but I guess that's always been your type.

She likes you too.

Do you know that we both collect tiny little hotel soaps?

What are the odds?

That you're both hoarders?

Apparently, pretty good.

Yeah, Kelly's great.

I mean, we were gonna go away this weekend and she just cancelled.

She said it was work, but I don't know.

Did she say anything to you?

No, I mean, we did talk about how much you are on your phone the whole time.

It wasn't the whole time.

I mean, I just found this game where you run an Italian restaurant and you got to get the pasta just right.

Xavi, got to knock off that phone stuff.

Kelly's a keeper, you don't want to lose her over something dumb like that.

You're right.

She also says I take too long to get ready.

Hey, do you think there's other annoying stuff that I do?

Are you asking me to tell you all your flaws?

[panting]

I've been making a mental list since our first date!

Right after you showed up with open-toed shoes.

There's a lot?

Oh, yeah.

I don't want to lose Kelly. You got to help fix me.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Mimi.

Okay, don't hurt yourself.

Listen, Ana, do you really think it's a good idea for you to point out all the thing that annoyed you about ex-husband just so that you can break him and mold him into the perfect man?

Yes!

You're right, that's awesome!

[laughing] Is it?

This is gonna be good, yeah?

Whoo! I'm so excited!

Oh, my God!

So this is Maria's house?

It's been 10 years, I don't even know what to say to her.

Tell her you want to find out if she has a kid so you can take it.

Maybe don't open with that?

There's a football, water g*ns, a bike, she must have a kid.

And it's blue, she either has a boy or a really cool girl.

Maria.

Rodrigo... I'm sorry, I just got out the shower.

Oh, it's okay, reminds me of my first date.

Don't worry, I'm gay and she's not, so we're not turned on at all.

Well...

So what are you doing here?

Well, I was just thinking about you.

I never really knew why we lost touch.

I've actually always wanted to talk to you about that.

I've kept the secret too long and you deserve to know.

Look, I'm getting ready for work right now.

Can we talk about this tomorrow?

Yes, yes, of course.

You know, you should come to the set.

And bring your--

Son, Carlos.

How old is Carlos?

He's almost 10.

So, I'll see you tomorrow?

Great. Yeah.

I have a son!

[all screaming]

Is 3:00 okay?

3:00 is fine.

[door closes]

[all laughing]

You ready to do this?

Oh, yeah.

I think it's a good plan.

Perfect, damn you're sexy.

What?

[LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It" plays]

Oh, come on!

Huh?

Let's go!

I'm gonna fix everything that's wrong with you.

Women don't like this, they like this.

Are you listening to me? Hey, what's happening?

♪ ♪
♪ girl, look at that body ♪
♪ girl, look at that body ♪
♪ girl, look at that body ♪
♪ I'm sexy and I know it ♪

This one?

No.

All right. This one?

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No!

♪ yeah ♪
♪ girl, look at that body ♪
♪ girl, look at that body ♪

Yes! [laughing]

Yay!

What?

No, it's okay.

[both laughing]

♪ I'm sexy and I know it ♪
♪ ♪

And that's how I got them to lower my car insurance payment.

[phone vibrating]

Wow.

What will you do with the money you saved?

I think I'm gonna buy one of those vacuuming robots.

You know the-- Oh, my God, Xavi, you did it.

You ignored your phone and you paid attention to that boring story.

Oh, it was so boring.

Pretty good. [chuckles]

Wait, did you clean up your sleeping area?

I didn't even ask you to do that.

The student has become the teacher.

[both chuckling]

[knock at door]

Kelly!

Hey! I wanted to bring you this.

It's from the hotel at my work retreat.

Since we both collect fancy soaps.

Aww, thank you.

Xavi?

Hey, babe.

What are you doing here?

And why haven't you been returning my texts?

I've tried you all night.

Ana was helping me learn how to ignore my phone.

And a ton of other stuff.

I fixed him, no big deal, you're welcome.

What the hell? Did you two sleep together?

[chuckles]

No.

Not for years and years.

You're wearing robes.

Oh, no, he slept on the couch.

Doesn't look like it.

'Cause I cleaned up after myself.

Oh, my God, if you are going to lie to me, at least make it believable.

I can't believe that you would do this to me!

I knew he wasn't over you!

Oh, God, oh, go!

Go, go get your girl!

Wow, it is embarrassing how much faster she is than you.

[flamenco music]

Hey, Xavi.

[both shrieking]

Sorry.

Yeah, thought you were Xavi.

Sorry, Mike, Jeff, Paul!

Hey.

God, that's so weird.

Yep.

[sad harmonica music]

Wow, Sad Harmonica Xavi.

Last time I saw him was after you found out "Jurassic Park" wasn't a real thing.

That was the last time my heart was broken.

I really liked Kelly, but it's over.

Oh, stop it, you'll get over it once you have a chance to explain.

No, that won't work.

I keep trying to tell her nothing happened, but she won't return my calls.

I bought her this, but--

It's nice!

Xavi you got a great gift.

You could've gift wrapped it, but it's beautiful.

You know what?

When I messed things up with you, it was a real wake-up call, Ana.

I've been trying to be a better person.

I did my best with Kelly and even that wasn't enough.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to help you and now things are all messed up.

You know, but if it was meant to be you can fight for it.

Maybe we can figure out a plan.

♪ ♪

You two savor the love you have.

Go.

Take the day off and enjoy each other.

[gasps]

Uh, actually, you can't leave.

We have rehearsal in ten so, yeah...

How do I look?

I had wardrobe dress me like a dad.

If you were drinking a beer and yelling, "Gael, kick that ball like a man,"

I would swear that my father was standing right here.

Maria.

Hey.

I'd like you to meet Carlos.

Hey, Carlos.

Oh, Rodrigo, he looks nothing like you.

The fluffy hair, the ivory skin.

His pecs are barely sculpted.

This can't be your son.

Hey, you don't know that.

Look, look at these hands.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Oh, they're definitely both hands.

Um, what's happening here?

Hey, Carlos, you like pizza?

Yeah, of course.

Me too!

Genetics are insane.

Rodrigo, I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding.

Carlos is not your son.

Of course he is, we already have a bond.

Mom?

I'm sorry.

But you said you have something to tell me?

I did.

Ten years ago, I was a terrible alcoholic.

I stole money out of your purse and I cheated on you with an ex who got me pregnant.

I wanted to apologize to you for years, but I just felt so ashamed.

I'm sorry, did you say Rodrigo had a purse?

Here's the money that I stole.

I hope you can forgive me.

Of course I can forgive you.

You know, just keep the money and buy Carlos something with it.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

♪ ♪

This may not be the best time, but while you're wearing that vest, can you just say, "Gael, I'm proud of you?"

We're gonna do it again, but this time, Gustavo, try and act like you're a professional.

[gasps] Bingo! [laughing]

Sorry.

Mimi, I need your help.

I need to convince Kelly to take Xavi back.

Right, because you should be in the middle of your ex-husband's relationships.

Right?

I have to fight for Xavi 'cause he's not gonna fight for himself.

I know you want to help, but this has nothing to do with you.

Bingo!

That's it, you're out.

Look, if Xavi wants to give up, let him!

Mimi, I'm not asking for your permission, but I am asking to use your car.

That's the parking brake, that's the turn signal--

Mimi, I've driven a car before.

- [chimes]

[GPS speaks Spanish]

Oh, Gladys speaks Spanish. That's what I call my GPS.

Let me change it back to English.

No, no, I got this. I'm almost fluent.

Ana.

[GPS speaks Spanish]

"Enter your destination."

[laughing]

Doing that.

See, Gladys and I got this. Thanks, bye.

All right, Gladys.

Where are we "vamosing?"

[GPS speaks Spanish]

Uh-oh.

[car beeps]

Stop beeping at me!

[groans]

[car beeps]

Well next time, slow down.

Kellis ound here somewhere.

Gladys help me out, I've only listened to five Spanish CDs and most of them were farm animals.

[GPS speaks Spanish]

Okay, derecha. What is derecha?

[GPS speaking Spanish]

I'm trying!

Derecha is right, no, it's left.

No, no, it's right.

Stop yelling at me!

It's right I think, I don't know.

Gladys your stressing me out.

[screaming]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[GPS speaks Spanish]

Oh, shut it.

Ana?

Hola, Kelly. [chuckles]

I'm so sorry. I will pay for all the damage.

I'm sure we can put this guy back together.

Ana, what are you doing here?

Look, I need to talk to you.

You have to take Xavi back.

Ana--

No, no, hear me out.

Nothing happened between us.

I was just trying to make him a better man for you.

'Cause he cares about you so much.

Now I know, he's a little self-involved and he takes forever to get ready and he yawns like a grizzly bear--

Oh, I didn't fix that, but spending time with him made me realize how far he's come.

From a spoiled, immature kid, to a funny, sweet, sincere human being.

I didn't have to make him a better man.

He already was one.

You mean that?

Xavi!

What are you doing here?

I thought about what you said about how if something is meant to be, you can't give up on it.

So I came over, begged Kelly to give me a second chance and she did.

Well why am I here? [chuckles]

I don't know, but it was nice to hear what you said about me.

You know I wouldn't be half the man I am without your support.

Your friendship, your love.

[romantic music]

You take care of him.

Are you kidding me?

You know, I'd almost thought you two were over each other, but clearly I was wrong.

Kelly, Kelly.

We're done Xavi!

Again! For good!

That's not how I thought that would go.

Oh, this literally could not get any worse.

Oh, the gnome had a family!

[wailing]

I k*lled them!

It says here that Roxie gives birth to a denim baby.

Does that mean it comes out wearing like a jean jacket or something?

Oh no, that's another typo.

It's supposed to say "demon baby."

Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.

Look how cute my baby on the show is.

Another child taken away from me.

If you really want a kid, why don't you just have one?

You don't know, you could meet someone special tomorrow.

Yeah, but then I would have to fall in love, get married, conceive a child, plus another nine months of pregnancy.

That all will take at least 10 months.

Want to hold him? Maybe it'll cheer you up.

Yeah... [speaking in Spanish].

You're so cute!

[babbling]

Oh, oh, this really is a demon baby.

Ah, relax, he just spit up a bit.

We got a broken baby. We got a broken baby!

No! What are you talking about?

All babies do this.

All babies do this?

Babies are gross.

Where's Hugo?

[flamenco music]

♪ ♪

Hey, Bucko. [chuckling]

"Bucko?"

I'm just trying to be comforting.

I feel like I ruined your relationship and all I was trying to do was help.

You did help.

I did?

Yes, you made me realize that Kelly and I aren't meant to be together.

I can't be anyone that paranoid.

I mean, she thinks we still have feelings for each other.

How crazy is that?

So crazy!

[chuckling]

I can't even imagine that!

[laughing]

Guess it would look a lot like that.

Wow-- look at us.

Ooh, so sexy!

[both laughing]

[romantic guitar music]

So-- I'm gonna go rehearse over here.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

See you later.

[flamenco music]

♪ ♪