01x11 - The Stalker

Oh, I'm late!

♪ I am the full-blown destruction queen ♪
♪ Light up the match, I'm the gasoline ♪

Ohh.

♪ So light up, put your hands up ♪

Oh, come on.

♪ Let's start a riot ♪

Come on. Get out. Get out. Get out.

♪ Let's start a riot ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, calling on ♪

Achoo!

Oh!

Ahh, oh.

This day could not get any worse.

Oh, hey, Ana, you know how I opened up your fan mail and signed autographs for you?

Oh, yes.

Look, can you please stop signing it "smell ya later"?

Doesn't really sound like me.

Sure.

Anyway, this one has no postage, and it's got, like, creepy photos and what appears to be a mask of your face.

Both: Whoa.

Is that what I look like?

Ana, you know what this means?

That I have a stalker?

Whoa.

I have a stalker!

I know! Congrats.

Oh, finally.

[flamenco music]

♪ ♪

Ugh. Ohh.

Uh.

Oh, we're... Luis.

Cut.

Stay in places until we fix it.

[clears throat]

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, this is awkward, huh?

I don't know. Feels kind of nice.

Kind of like old times.

[chuckles]

Eh, you're right, a little awkward.

Just things have been weird between us ever since you and Kelly broke up, and she said that ridiculous thing.

What, that I'm too breathy?

No, there's still something between you and me.

[laughs]

Well, what if she's right?

What?

Oh, um...

Are you two ready to do the whole thing again?

I don't know, Luis. This is moving a little fast.

You know, there's so much baggage between us.

I'm not sure if I'm ready to just jump back into it.

I'm talking about the shot.

Oh, the shot.

Yes, yes, we're ready for the shot.

I know it sounds crazy, and I'm not asking you to just jump back into a relationship with me, but I...

I think there's still something between us.

Maybe we should talk about it.

You-you mean, right... right now?

Uh, okay.

How about we meet for coffee tomorrow before work at 8:00.

If you show up, we talk.

If you don't, then no big deal.

We stay friends. It won't be weird.

Okay, that's a lot to think about.

But let's say I do come.

Can we make it 8:15? I have something at 8:00.

Actually, if you do come, can you make it 8:45?

That will give me time to shower after I work out.

You weren't gonna shower after you worked out?

You don't even know if you're coming.

But if you are, can you make it 9:00?

Yeah.

And... action.

[muffled upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Is Isaac possessed?

No, he's working on a new show idea.

He knows what it is, but he won't tell us.

New show? What's wrong with this one?

Roxie, this is how telenovelas work.

You do a bunch of episodes, and then you jump on to the next show.

Oh.

I want to be on Isaac's new show.

Ooh, maybe he's writing one about a lawyer who owns a vineyard.

Roxie, that's this show.

Oh, yeah.

That's why it was in my head.

If we want good parts, then we have to make it happen.

Let's band together on this.

Come with me.

But be behind me.

[muffled upbeat music]

What? What did I do?

I thought that was a community toothbrush.

Well, we know you're working on a new show.

We just want to remind you of our many talents.

I can speak with a British accent.

I can tap-dance.

Hey.

I know karate.

Yah!

Oh, yeah? Look what I can do.

[grunting]

I can't believe Javi admitted he still has feelings for you.

I know.

We were stuck in a parachute, and I had the mother of all wedgies.

Oh, but it was so romantic.

I don't like it.

Mark my words, if Javi hurts you again he will rue the day.

He will rue it.

Gael, I've never seen you like this.

Drink it in.

Wow, if Gael's this upset, I'm sure you're dying to tell me what a horrible idea this is.

Actually, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but maybe you should just go for it.

Javi's not that kid you married. He's really grown up now.

But what about James?

I thought that was still a possibility someday.

So did I, but he went to go find himself, and I never heard from him again.

That's so weird.

It's like he fell off the face of the Earth.

Okay, your opinions mean the world to me, so tell me what you're honestly thinking.

Because on the one hand, Javi really hurt me when we were married.

He also...

On the other hand, we've both grown and matured as people, while on the third hand, how much can people really change?

On the fourth hand, the world could end tomorrow, and I might end up regretting it.

But on the fifth hand, I could regret regretting it.

While on the sixth hand, that guitar, on the seventh hand, the man jewelry, on the eighth hand, those eyes, while on the ninth hand, I still have feelings for him.

Oh, my God. You guys are right.

I have to go to this coffee.

Oh, what would I do without you?

I love her, but she's a lunatic.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Excuse me.

Do you mind switching tables?

It's just, I'm gonna meet my ex-husband, and we might rekindle our romance, and I don't want to do it next to the trash can.

Thank you.

Oh, all right, I just give this a wipe down.

Don't you worry.

♪ Baby our love's a language ♪
♪ Baby our love's a language♪
♪ No, we don't need to say a word ♪
♪ Say a word ♪
♪ Baby our love's a language♪

Sure, okay.

I'll watch your laptop, but don't be too long.

My ex-husband's gonna be here in a few minutes.

♪ I'm getting your signs ♪
♪ Don't even need to read between the lines ♪

Mimi, he's obviously not coming.

I can't believe I fell for his crap again.

I'm sorry, Ana. Why don't you just leave?

I can't; I told some guy I'd watch his laptop.

He's been in the bathroom for so long.

Oh, someone stole it. I'm out of here.

Ooh, I'm gonna kill Javi.

I'm gonna rip those luscious lips of that chiseled, perfectly stubbled, godlike face.

Yep, I said it.

I can't believe he would ditch me like that.

I've got to figure out what happened.

Where is he?

I don't know.

He didn't show up for work.

Really?

Oh, my God. That explains everything.

Javi's sick.

That's why he didn't meet me for coffee, not 'cause he doesn't want to get back together with me.

I knew there had to be a reason.

Maybe Javi has the flu.

I don't know, Ana. He seemed okay yesterday, but he was wearing a super-deep V-neck, so he could have got a cold.

Sweetie, this may be hard to admit, but maybe he changed his mind.

No, it can't be that. There has to be another reason.

Because if it's just that the man who deep down I've been in love with for the past three years decided I wasn't worth it, it would break my heart into a million pieces.

Maybe my stalker took him.

Totally.

Yep, your stalker kidnapped him.

Oh, this makes so much sense.

I think we all know what the obvious next step is.

You said you had a life-or-death emergency.

Yes, yes.

My ex-husband asked me to coffee to talk about our relationship, which is a very big deal, because we just moved on from our divorce, and he didn't even show up.

Write that down.

Good luck with your love life, ma'am.

Wh... hey.

Wait.

I can't believe he didn't take me seriously.

I may just play a cop on TV, but this case has some holes in it.

Ana, sweetie, maybe it was a little too fast to jump to stalker.

Or maybe Javi is bound and gagged and being tortured somewhere.

Okay, look, we've got to figure out who my stalker is in case they have Javi.

You guys in?

I've never believed in anything more in my life.

All right.

Are we protecting her or enabling her?

A little of both.

Okay, you guys.

We are, like, 99% sure Javi was kidnapped.

[all gasp]

Mm-hmm.

Now, he was last seen wearing... actually, I'm not sure, so I'm just gonna take a wild guess and say jeans that are way too tight and a lot of hair product.

Oh, and the sparkly blouse.

Mm, that was yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

We need to get this on milk cartons ASAP.

Okay?

I know, it's the most respectable photo I found.

We've got to figure out who my stalker is by CSI'ing all the clues we have.

Here's everything my stalker sent me.

Well, I haven't figured out the identity of your stalker, but they made a collage of your Target receipts.

How many throw pillows do you need?

You only have one couch.

Hey, Roxie, this looks really elaborate.

What have you found out?

Found out? Not much.

But how cool is this?

I made a flower.

Ana, this is a lot of stuff.

Can you think of anyone who would hold a grudge against you?

No, people love me.

Uh, my evil twin sister, when you proved that she was out to get me.

Kate from "Scientifico Sexy"

when you beat her at her own game.

My ex-husband when you made sure that we didn't get back together.

Your ex-boyfriend/boss whose heart you broke.

Plus, that guy that you cut off on your way in this morning, he said you were bitchy.

Wait, that was me. Sorry.

Okay, okay, so I may have stepped on a few toes, but we've been at this for hours, and all we have to show for it is that I should wear a bra when I take out the trash.

Guys, I guess I have to admit it.

Javi's not kidnapped.

He just probably decided he didn't want to be with me.

I just wasn't ready to face it.

Ana.

No, no, it's okay.

I'm just gonna go home and hang out with that bird that won't leave my condo.

Hey, hey, hey, Isaac.

Since you've been working on a new show idea, it would be very irresponsible of me not to show you my special skills.

Mime. Really?

Okay, that's not bad.

Wait. [coughs]

I got more stuff.

I feel so bad for Ana.

She's probably facedown in a chicken potpie by now.

Okay, where do you think Javi really is?

Oh, okay, I'm just gonna say it.

I think he might have gotten back together with Kelly.

Are we saying that out loud now?

'Cause I've been thinking it all day.

I wish for Ana's sake it wasn't true, but, I mean, come on.

Kelly is amazing.

Right? Saving all those orphans from that burning building.

And she's in incredible shape from her award-winning samba dancing.

And she worked in a hospital saving lives.

Hospital?

Samba dancing?

Orphans.

Do you know what this means?

Kelly's way too busy. She needs to unplug.

No, Kelly has been copying everything that Ana's been doing in her shows.

But was Ana ever a cross-dressing cruise ship director?

[both gasp]

Does this mean the stalker is...

Kelly, what are you doing here?

I heard you were looking for Javi.

Well, I found him.

[grunting]

Yes, bound and gagged. I knew it.

I'm sorry. Did you find him like that?

Or did you do that to him?

Oh, no, my bad. Yeah, I totally did that to him.

Oh.

Oh.

So wait. You're my stalker?

We prefer unrequited best friend.

Why is this happening? I don't even know you.

Yes, but I know you.

See, my parents worked all the time.

Literally. They owned a 24 Hour Fitness.

So I was raised by babysitters, and they all watched your telenovelas.

In a way, the one constant in my life was you.

Aww.

Kelly, just let Ana go.

She doesn't have anything to do with this.

Ana has everything to do with this.

You're just a pawn, pretty boy.

Ooh, hoo-hoo.

I don't understand. What do you want?

To be you, of course, which is why I copied your shows.

I followed you everywhere.

I went through your trash.

P.S., you should really recycle more, if not for us, then for the children.

They are our future.

Why are you agreeing with her?

Because she has us tied up. Plus, she has a point.

I did whatever I could just to be you, including date Javi, but it was pretty clear that he still had feelings for you, that I would never be enough for him.

And then I realized that no matter what I did, I could actually never really be you.

So I might have gone a little bit crazy.

But now I have a new plan.

To let us go? Great. No harm, no foul.

We keep this between us.

No, if I can't be Ana, I'm gonna be Ana's best friend. Do you want to be best friends?

Yes.

Yes!

High five.

Low five.

So what do you want to do first, bestie?

♪ I come home in the morning light ♪
♪ My mother says when you gonna live your life right? ♪

Okay.

♪ Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones♪
♪ And girls, they want to have fun ♪
♪ Oh, girls just want to have fun ♪

♪ ♪

♪ That's all they really want ♪
♪ Some fun ♪
♪ When the working day is done ♪
♪ Oh, girls, they want to have fun ♪
♪ Oh, girls just want to have fun ♪

Yeah, that was so fun, and not terrifying at all.

Well, I guess that means we're best friends now.

You know what?

I should probably call Mimi and tell her she's no longer my best friend.

Yes, she has a right to know.

Yeah, you're right. I'll go get your phone.

Okay.

Just in case I don't survive this, I want to be buried in my black jeans.

This might be our last conversation, and that's what you want to talk about?

Besides, those jeans have too many pockets.

Yeah, but they're so flattering.

No, they're not. They hit you weird on the hips.

Really?

Here you go.

Heh-heh, thanks, girlfriend.

All right, dialing Mimi.

[telephone rings]

Guys, guys, it's her. It's her.

Ana. Oh, thank God. We've been trying to call you.

We know who your stalker is. It's...

Kelly! I'm here at my condo with Kelly.

She's my best friend now.

I no longer want to be your best friend, Mimi, Because I'm with Kelly now.

So I hope you can take the hint.

Okay.

There, see?

We have to help her. She's in danger.

She would never say she didn't want to be my best friend.

Sometimes people just grow apart.

Good luck with your girlfriend.

The police aren't gonna help us?

Then we've got to do it ourselves.

Is there anyone else we can call for help?

There's no time. She's in danger.

We have to go now. Let's save Ana.

[together] Yeah.

I've got to use the bathroom.

Oh, me too.

Yep.

Okay, everyone to the bathroom, then we go save Ana.

[together] Yeah.

Now that Mimi's out and you're in, we should go out and celebrate in public, where a lot of people can see us.

Sure.

Okay.

We should probably kill Javi first, though, and then we can skedaddle.

Both: What?

Well, he's the only thing that could come between us.

Wait, how do you feel about Sandy Bullock?

Oh, she's a national treasure.

Oh, great.

Well, then, yeah, he's definitely the only thing that could come between us.

Ahh!

No.

[both grunting]

Oh, my God, it's like you're the exact same strength as me.

I've been doing your exercise video for years.

Oh, the abs?

Yeah.

It's totally working for you.

I know.

Argh.

Ahh!

Not the face, please.

No, no.

No, if you're gonna kill him, you have to kill me first.

No, no, please, please, please, please.

♪ ♪

So what's the plan?

We go in there, we take out the kidnappers, we rescue Javi, and then we all go out for ice cream.

What about Ana?

Sure, if we have time.

The strongest, baddest person should go up there first.

[together] Mimi.

Me? Oh, you're right. You all are wusses.

[both grunting]

Ana, Ana...

Come on, Ana. You can take her.

No, don't... don't say that.

This is my weapon, a wine backpack?

This is the only thing I had in my trunk.

Have you ever used it?

All the time.

It's got a cheese port and two wine glasses.

Oh, I love it. That's incredible.

Where did you buy it?

Okay.

Ahh!

Wait. Wait.

Are you really gonna kill your best friend?

Well, we've only been best friends for, like, 20 minutes.

I'll get over it.

Argh! Ahh!

[seagull squawking]

What is this?

Ahh!

[both gasp]

Let's go save Ana.

Whoo!

Oh!

Or that could happen.

both: Told ya.

Hey, that was pretty scary stuff back there, huh?

I didn't know how crazy Kelly is.

You know what was crazy?

You were gonna let her kill you to protect me.

Look, Javi, I really need to know so I can move on either way.

Were you gonna show up to coffee?

Yes, I was.

The only thing that could have kept me away from you was a knife-wielding maniac.

Although I was running late, because I was parallel parking, and someone was watching, but I was gonna be there.

I can't stop thinking about you, Ana, about us.

Me too.

How do you have your guitar?

I always have it. I actually wrote you a song.

I was gonna sing it for you at the coffee shop.

I mean, I know how much you hate my guitar, so I don't have to; I really don't have to.

Sing the damn song, Javi.

[light guitar music]

♪ I think about you from time to time ♪
♪ I think you every single night ♪
♪ And even though you'll never hear these words from me ♪
♪ It's you ♪
♪ It always was ♪
♪ It will always be ♪

♪ Eee-eee, ee-eee ♪
♪ Eee-eee-eee-eee-hee ♪
♪ Hee-hee, hee-hee ♪
♪ Eee-eee ♪
♪ Eee-eee ♪
♪ Eee-eee-eee ♪

I do.

James.

That's right, Ana. I'm back from the dead.

You died?

I fell off a mountain.

I was buried in snow for days. It took me weeks to recover.

Weren't you wondering why you didn't hear from me?

The first thing I did when I got back to Miami was get me a snow cone.

Ana, the only thing that kept me alive out there was the thought of getting back to you.

Ana, what does this mean?

I don't know.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪