01x01 - Episode One

[bunniefuu]

Oh!

Argh!

( He groans )

Danny?

We need to talk.

This is not the only world, there are millions of them and in every single one...

( His voice echoes )

He's been hunting us ever since... ( His voice echoes ) ..that means in every single one he's trying to k*ll us.

k*ll us, k*ll us...

Sorry, Danny, you're going to have to back that up.

I zoned out for a second. What?

How far? Oh... the beginning. Yeah, I took some k*ller mushrooms earlier.

There's no time. You have to come with us.

Honestly, you are competing with a lot of other stuff right now, which may or may not be there like the guy behind you with a sword who I really hope isn't real...

Whoa!

Run, Milo!

Argh!

OK, OK, Milo.

Cupboard.

Ah!

This isn't real. This is just a bad trip, is all this is.

OK, that does actually feel very real. Milo, shut up.

You know my name. Is that good? Have we met?

Hah!

Do you know how many versions of you I've k*lled?

Enough to get bored with it?

It always ends like this.

Confused.

Helpless.

I've heard your last words so many times, do you know how boring that is? It's very boring.

So, go on, surprise me.

Hey, buddy! Here is your engagement present.

These will blow your nuts off.

Milo, this is Kate's grandfather.

Oh, mushroom?

They'll blow your nuts off, yeah?

He's joking. I'm not.

Milo! You're here. Yes.

Offering magic mushrooms to my grandad.

You're never too old to have your nuts blown off.

Mum was looking for you. OK? See you later.

See you in a bit.

We started to think you couldn't make it. Sorry to disappoint you.

OK, I hate to tear myself away from all the simmering resentment.

Well, well. Can we at least try not to let this be weird?

Hi! Hi everyone.

I just wanted to thank everyone for coming and thank you, Danny, for asking me to be your wife.

Aw! That's all right. I know, it makes you sick.

Oh, and thank you to Paul, Danny's best man who's been such a help in organising tonight.

We really couldn't have hoped for a better best man so...

Everyone have a drink and I hope you have a good night.

Excuse me a moment.

Hi, sausage.

( Bottles crash )

Oh, here we go. Stairway to heaven.

It's got to be...

( Crashing )

Oh! Is it, is he all right?

You know, that is actually going to stop being funny one day when someone actually breaks their neck.

Someone really ought to fix that step.

( Danny chuckles )

So, the best man thing... Yeah.

I was going to speak to you about it. Fine.

I'm sorry, Milo, it's...

Paul has really made an effort with Kate and you...

You really haven't. We're still mates, Milo, but right now we're just at very different places in our lives.

I can't be Dangerous Dan forever, you know.

Even though you literally had "Dangerous Dan forever" tattooed on your arse cheek in Faliraki.

I'm getting my big boy on.

You know, I'm wearing cuff links, getting married.

I even got promoted the other day. Promoted?

You work in cat insurance, what can you get promoted to?

Lion insurers?

It is PET insurance and I'm actually covering all of the large mammals in the south west now, so...

Well done you. It's a big deal for me.

Mate, come on, don't go.

Just, like, have a couple more drinks or something.

Why are we hugging?

Cos this is it. This is goodbye.

I'm never going to see you again with your new cat insurance job and your new wife and your...

You will. You're drunk.

No.

I'll see you around, Danny, you have a good life.

Whoa!

Milo! Paul, remember.

Oh, yeah, Paul. Yeah.

Word of warning, I am tout seul tonight, the missus was feeling a bit rough so I am on the beers, so to speak.

Oh.

Evening, Gran.

Argh!

Danny? Argh!

OK.

Ah! I've heard your last words so many times, do you know how boring that is?

It's very boring.

So, go on, surprise me.

Well, that is a lot of pressure, I mean...

Grr!

Oh!

This isn't the end.

There will be others...

And others...

And you'll die.

You first.

Hah!

Good timing. Good timing, I thought you were dead.

It's not as bad as it looks. Yeah, good, good.

Cos it looks like you've got a massive hole in your chest.

sh*t. No, no, no, remember what I told you.

OK, you and Danny are special.

You need to come find me. For you.

Look for Goldenmire, use the wristband.

Remember what I told you and you'll be fine.

Milo, tell me remember, tell me you...

Maybe I should've got a pen. Um...

Morning, bighead. Morning, arse flaps.

Oh, my little twatface.

My one true sh*t-for-brains.

You need to get up and get changed because we are going to the florist.

Today? I feel rough. Can't we go another day?

You already cancelled three times.

You trying to tell me something?

Of course not, it's just...

You've got something in your hair. It's just...

Oh, oh, oh!

Now you are mine, prepare to be ravaged.

Get changed, you twat! Never!

Not until you have done stuff with me.

( Phone rings )

Oh!

Hello. 'Danny, I am in trouble,'

I need you to come over right now.

Milo, are you still high? 'Really hope so, Dan.'

Just please come over if it's the last thing you ever do for me.

OK.

What is it this time?

I think he's just having a bad trip.

I know, I know.

He hasn't got any one else.

Yes, and I feel sorry for him, I really do but, he probably just wants you to go and hang out with him.

He sounded genuinely freaked out.

I will cancel the florist, then.

I'm sorry.

Kate's.

You wearing her knickers too, are you?

I'm wearing man's pants, Pete. FYI.

Man's pants.

Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny.

You OK? Mmm.

And then you disappeared, but before that, that.

sh*t! He's really dead.

Milo, what have you done? Me? No, no, no, this was you.

This was the other you.

The wristband, the wristband! You had one of these things and that's when he got damaged and that's when he disappeared.

Sorry, mate, I can't do this, this is crazy school.

Danny, wait.

Ah!

sh*t! What did you just do?

I didn't do anything. This is too much, Milo.

You've gone too far. Danny, wait!

Dan, come on!

Dan, you've got to help me here. This is YOUR mess, Milo.

Yeah, leave me in the sh*t, like you always do.

Do you know what, I will, because this IS your sh*t, just like it always is.

f*ck!

What the actual f*ck?

( Muffled noises )

( Banging )

( Muffled noises continue )

Kate?

Kate?

( Moaning )

Oh, God. Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Kate!

What are you doing?

What are YOU doing?!

All right, Milo?

Gran.

Hey, come back here!

What did I say?

What did I tell you, huh?

Come here, you!

Milo. Milo, open up. Milo!

Danny!

Milo, Milo, Milo, Milo, Milo.

Danny, Danny. Funny story.

Milo, you did something.

You did this because I went home and Kate, she was in bed with Pete and they were naked and then...

Where are we?

Yeah.

Yeah, it must be like a parallel world, yeah? Like you said.

The other you.

How...? How did we...? The wristband.

When I pressed the button and it felt like we got electrocuted must've been it.

Did you drop LSD in my drink last night?

Oh, my God, Danny. I did that one time. Will you shut up about it?

( Pots clattering )

Who the hell was that? Check this out.

Ta-da!

My word, is that little Danny Gates?

Oh, it's been awhile. How are you?

Fine, thank you, Milo's gran.

How are you? You're looking well...considering.

Oh, I'm fine, thanks.

She is great.

And baking a cake.

But that'll be sh*t, like it always is. Milo.

Well, shouldn't you be at choir practice at the church?

Got cancelled. Yeah. Oh, OK.

Mate, quick word, yeah? Yes.

Hey, stick it. There we go.

OK, OK. Just so we're clear, that's your gran? Yeah.

The one that d*ed seven years ago? I know, it's amazing.

I don't know how or why, Danny, but that is her.

How is this possible?

One minute we're at your place and then you press some bloody wristband and...

The wristband. Well, no.

Danny. Danny.

My dead gran just came back to life!

Can you please just...?

What are you doing?

Get off me! Ah!

Come on.

Run.

That was our way back!

No signal.

I guess they don't have a plan that includes multiple realities, do they? Hmm?

No. You don't get a biscuit until we get home, although how the hell we do that without the wristband I have no idea.

So you believe me now?

Your dead granny just tried to give me a f*cking digestive.

Of course I believe you.

So we are stuck in a parallel world where things have worked out differently.

Hey!

Did the other me happen to say why someone's trying to k*ll us?

Not us, specifically. Us, generally.

Every us in every parallel world.

Oh, well, that's reassuring.

Oh, and then the k*ller, before he d*ed, he said, "There will be others."

Those were his last words? Yep. Pretty f*cking cool last words.

Me, I'd just been like...

Don't, no. Please.

Some part of you is enjoying this, isn't it?

More tea?

Gran...

Do you remember, seven years ago, when you were supposed to go on that cruise?

Oh, cor, do I remember?

Missing that cruise was the best thing that ever happened to me.

If my alarm had gone off like it was meant to, I wouldn't be here today.

And then who'd look after my little Mr Cuddles?

Oh, Gran.

Mr Cuddles? Wow.

So, how are you, Danny?

I saw your mum a few months ago.

She said you were at Larkham's Insurance?

Yeah, I am.

Yes...I am.

Of course I am because if this is a parallel world then there is another me, another us.

Yes, yes! That's our way out of here!

I better go after him.

You can take my car if you want. Thank you.

It's really good to see you again, Gran.

I see you every day, love.

Look, other me said that people were trying to k*ll us and there will be others.

What if someone comes for the versions of us in this reality?

They might have those wristband things. We grab their wristbands, we go home.

Off the guys with the big swords?

There I am, still alive.

This is so weird. Yeah.

Is it just me or does other you look like a bit of a twat?

Do you know what? Insurance is high-stakes stuff.

He's under a lot of pressure.

Cat insurance. Pet insurance.

Oh, f*cking Paul.

What is that?

So what is the plan here?

We tell the other me what's going on, what's about to happen, then the three of us go and find the other you.

Then, if someone turns up trying to k*ll us, bam.

Bam? Yeah.

What does that mean? You know, bam. Take him out, kind of thing.

With the aid of our years of close combat training - of course(!)

At least I'm trying to do something to get us back.

And since it's your fault that we're even here, how about you lose the attitude and help me, instead of being a useless bastard?

Useless. Oh, I'm sorry I'm not like Paul.

Really, the best man thing? You want to get into that now, do you?

Yeah, Paul wouldn't strand you in a parallel universe.

Paul is my best man because he actually likes Kate and she likes him.

Five minutes talking to him and I literally want to hang myself.

This conversation makes me want to hang myself.

I mean, are you actually saying to me that you would like to get up and do a speech about how happy you are for me and Kate?

That is not the point. Yes, Milo, it actually is because...

Sweet Jesus.

Oh, God.

Oh, f*ck. f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

Hey.

Hey...me.

Am I having an out-of-body experience?

Am...? Am I dead?

I know this is really f*cking weird.

I'm you, but from an alternate reality.

Are you here to take me to the afterlife?

Is that what's happening?

Yeah, why not?

Tell Kate I love her.

Oh, God. I'm dead.

Why would someone want to k*ll every version of us?

What is so special about us?

Take his legs. Excuse me?

Take his legs, yeah? We need to put him in the boot.

If someone finds his body and then sees you walking around being all alive and sh*t, people are going to start asking questions.

Take the legs.

Why are you so calm? If this is a trip, this is the worst one ever.

This is not the time for jokes, Milo.

I was so young.

It's all right. We'll sort something out.

There are worse places to be stuck.

I mean, Iraq. That's supposed to be pretty sh*t.

I'm sure it has its nice parts but, overall, not great.

Shut up, Milo. Please just shut up. What is up with you?

What is up with you?! You... You're talking like you want to stay here.

This is real, Milo. We might never get home.

I need to see Kate.

But why? The other me's last wishes was to tell Kate that he loved her -

I should honour that. That's crazy talk.

You're just freaked out because you saw yourself die.

I'm going, Milo. I owe it to myself.

If I end up getting stabbed here, I'd like to think that another version of me would do me the respect of telling my version of Kate that I, this version of Danny, loved her.

Completely lost me, mate. What are you saying? Thanks for ruining my life.

What about the plan? What about saving the other me?

Fine. Yeah, go for the hat-trick, mate.

Three Dannys dying in one day.

Go for it.

See if I care.

I'll go and save myself then.

Music: I Like Marijuana by David Peel and The Lower East Side

( Choir singing )

♪ All things bright and beautiful ♪
♪ All creatures great and small ♪
♪ All thing wise and wonderful ♪
♪ The Lord God made them all. ♪

Thank you, everyone.

( He screams )

Shh. Stop it.

Just calm down.

Shh. Just calm down. It's nothing.

It's nothing to worry about.

Stop it. Stop that! Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it.

Just calm down, handsome...ish.

God works in mysterious ways.

He sent you here to test me.

Dude, I know how weird this all is.

But look, now I'm here, I feel like it's only right to warn you that you are in danger.

What kind of danger?

That danger! Run!

Come on.

Come on!

Quick, get in!

What is he doing?!

Great plan, Danny(!)

( He whimpers )

How are we supposed to get the wristband from that, mate?

Stop crying. Honestly, you're embarrassing us.

Kate, hi.

Danny. I'm really...sorry about this morning.

I know it's a lot to explain and you probably wouldn't believe me if I did... but...I need to speak to you.

Of course you do.

Danny, this morning was really quite inappropriate.

I'm...I'm sorry.

Er...j-just...

I had to say that I love you.

Feels good, actually.

Knowing that if anything happens to me, at least some version of you knows...

Danny, I know... that you love me.

You send me a card every week that says, "I love you."

And I'm running out of ways to tell you that I am not interested.

OK?

Pete is my husband.

I'm happy. Really? OK? With Pete?

One day, maybe you'll find a Pete of your own.

Someone to make you whole. But you are my Pete.

I'm sorry... that your life hasn't panned out the way you thought it would. But...

You f*cking pervert!

Wait, wait, wait! I...

( Tense electronic music )

Oi!

Come back!

Come 'ere! I want it out with you!

Three timing...pervert!

I'm going to stick with you, OK?

( Handbrake crunches )

You just have to explain why there's two of us.

OK. Right.

I'm going to go and have a chat with Gran, try and lay the ground for this whole parallel universe thing.

OK, OK, I get you.

Don't be long because I'm... I'm...scared.

Did... Did your parents leave, too? Yeah.

They said they'd come back in a week but they never did.

And when Gran missed that alarm, it was an act of God.

Or bad alarm clock design. Erm...

Thanks to Jesus, she never got on that cruise.

And that's how I found my faith.

To thank him for sparing her.

Course you did.

Mmm. Ooh. What's all this? You've always been so good to me, Gran.

Always there when I needed you.

And so have you for me.

All we need is each other, Mr Cuddles.

Which is why I'm a bit confused, seeing you take up again with little Danny Gates.

Well, he's my friend.

He was, anyway. Now he's got Paul, so who knows any more?

Anyway... Since when did you need friends?

All these years, just you and me.

Am I not enough for you?

Erm, I don't understand. What are you talking about?

Well, who else is there, Mr Cuddles?

Who else does this to you?

Gran! What are you doing? Gran!

Come here!

I think I want to go home now. I think I want to go home now.

No, no, no. NO!

( He mutters )

Where... Where you going? I'm getting the hell out of Chinatown.

That woman in there is not my gran.

She tried to stick her tongue down my throat.

She said things to me that are going to haunt me for ever.

She gets confused. She thinks I'm Mr Cuddles.

That's what she used to call Grandad. Since when?

My grandma never said anything about Mr Cuddles. It's a sex name.

What?

I think I'm going to be sick. We don't go all the way!

Get a grip, man! You've got to protect me.

You need to...stand up for yourself. OK.

Be a man, Milo. God.

When Mum and Dad left, I didn't have anyone. Grandma was it.

I didn't have any friends. What about Danny?

Gates? We were BFFs for a while, but then he started hanging out with this kid Paul. Paul!

Now Danny just wants to be like Paul. So, so you're lonely.

You get in a co-dependent relationship with the only living relative, then you find Jesus when said relative fails to die and sometimes she confuses you for her dead husband.

What I don't get is is why, how? How do you let her do that to you?

It's nice. f*ck me! What?

We don't go all the way.

Jesus Christ!

Damn parallel universes.

I tell you what, when I get home, Milo, I'm changing my provider.

Who are you trying to get hold of? My best friend.

I can't do this without him.

Walk upright!

Whoa! What are you doing? I need my coat. I'm chilly.

Grandma wouldn't want me catching cold.

You'd rather catch a cold than see what's in there. Trust me. Come on.

If you want to stay alive, come with me.

( Moody music )

Get the beers in.

Well, you'll be happy to know that I also want to go home now. What's up?

In this one, Kate and me never went out.

Ah!

The other me sounds like a total dickhead. Kate's so happy with Pete.

It's like she was a different woman.

I don't know... I just... I always thought that we would...

I don't know.

Want to know why everything turned out so differently? Go on.

Me and you. Never friends. Not here. You were best mates with Paul.

You're saying, not being friends with you turned me into a selfish, boring arsehole? Correct.

And me into that guy.

See him? Wow. Yeah. Face it, pal, we are good for each other.

You might say - feel that, feel it, feel it - best man material.

Oh, f*ck off.

Ah! f*ck off! Hah!

Oh! Ma...

Oh, my word!

Oh, bloody...hell!

( Eerie noises )

( Phone keypad bleeps )

Er, police. I've got...er... Oh, crumbs.

My buddy, my main man, my er...

My homie... Er, my right-hand pal.

He's... Well...he's dead. He's dead.

( Loud crash then distorted droning )

Leave them alone! What's he doing? Standing up for himself.

I taught him that.

Oh! I didn't teach him that! OK, go, go, go, go, go!

Uurggh-raagh! Oh! Oh!

Stairway To Heaven!

Rrrr-aaaghh!

( Distorted droning )

Argh! Ooh! Ooh!

Aargh!

Ha-ha! Damn!

Yes! Thank you! Thank you, you shitty local pub for being too cheap to fix your steps.

I haven't got a wristband. Maybe this one'll work better.

I'm sure he came in, he was pressing that button.

No... It's this one. He pressed the green one. Danny...

What... What the f....flipping hell's going on, man?

Is this, like, some kind of like weirdly convincing gag?

f*cking Paul! I just called the police, amigo.

I mean, the rozzers are en route.

So, if you guys could tell us... you should probably let me know OH! My God! Aa-argh!

Oh, my God! Help!

Rule number one. Always check they're actually dead.

This isn't the Kate from here? No. So, it's like another Kate?

She looks nice in leather. Have you seen my Danny? Which one?

He's wearing a wristband like this. Your Danny! Yes! Yes!

He...got stabbed and then he disappeared.

Well, is he still alive? I don't know. I don't know.

Thanks for nothing.

Wait, wait. Can you help us get home?

You're not my problem.

Please, just tell us what the hell is going on here.

Who is this crazy bastard trying to k*ll us?

Baby...it's me.

Haa! Oooh!

Ooh. I'm not your Kate. Oooh.

There's something you both need to understand. You're not special.

There are literally millions of other worlds with millions of other yous.

We are special. Your Danny told us we were and this guy keeps trying to k*ll us, so...

The best you can do is keep your f*cking heads down and hope to hell that nobody notices you.

So rude.

She looked really good in leather.

Mate, not to hammer the point home but your fiancee is kind of a d*ck.

She's not my Kate. My Kate is at home waiting for us.

So, let's just get out of here and get back to our lives.

What are you doing? We've got the wristband.

Maybe this guy has got some instructions on him, or something.

Yeah. Because the guy travelling through alternate universes has the instruction manual on him. Good one.

Hey.

Goldenmire?

He mentioned Goldenmire. That has to be important somehow.

Come on. Let's go.

We can finally leave this nightmare.

Assuming this thing gets us home because we have no idea how this thing works. Come on.

You ready? Ready?

f*ck's sake!

( Howling wind )

It's bad?

Yeah. I tried putting some ice on it.

Let's get you fixed up.

( They both grunt and strain )

Did you find the other us in time?

I couldn't get to me, but I found you.

I told him to look for Goldenmire.

I just hope he listened. He was really off his face. Oh, so do I.

Because, right now, those two idiots are our last hope.

Music: Pedestrian At Best by Courtney Barnett

♪ I love you, I hate you I'm on the fence, it all depends ♪
♪ Whether I'm up, I'm down, I'm on the mend ♪
♪ Transcending all reality ♪
♪ I like you, despise you, admire you ♪
♪ What are we gonna do when everything all falls through...? ♪