01x02 - Episode Two

[bunniefuu]

I'm getting married. I had to start taking things seriously.

I'll see you around, Danny. You have a... good life!

Danny?

This is not the only world, there are millions of them, and in every single one he's trying to k*ll us.

You and Danny are special, you need to come find me.

I can't do this. This is crazy school.

Danny, wait!

Cos right now, those two... idiots are our last hope.

Whoa! What was that?

Is this it?

Are we home?

I dunno, it looks the same...

Yeah, it looked the same back there too.

What's that for?

What? In case you hadn't noticed, a man with a massive sword keeps trying to k*ll us.

Danny, was there always a Union Jack above the pub?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on?

Um... taxi!

Right, where to, lads?

You look familiar.

I do?

Why?

Ha, ha!

I wish I knew. I'm sh*t with faces, me.

Do you know I once had Pete Andre in my cab and I didn't even realise it till the next customer pointed it out?

Peter bleedin' Andre!

Bollocks. We're definitely not home.

Why?

Cos we appear to be in a reality where people give a f*ck about Peter Andre.

I'm guessing you must be big fans, eh?

Mind how you go.

"This is the house where Milo Edwards, multi-million-selling music star, grew up."

"RIP, Milo".

sh*t.

You're dead.

sh*t, I'm FAMOUS!

♪ Your brains...

♪ Are drifting down line... ♪

Come on, we are wasting time.

Who, who knows where we're going to end up next?

Right now, we are safe. Let's just have a look around.

Hey! Check this out.

"In this room Milo received a gift that would change his life."

Aha!

"When he was ten, his gran offered him a choice for his birthday. A guitar or a transformer."

sh*t.

She offered me that same choice.

What? And you choose the transformer?

Whereas this guy chose a guitar, became a legend!

Excellent!

What are you looking at?

Um... this is your su1c1de note.

He k*lled himself.

Holy sh*t!

"There have been sightings of him since the funeral."

I'm like Elvis!

Elvis, I am leaving the f*cking building, with you or without you.

Give me the wristband.

Hey!

You're such an idiot!

Give me back the...

Milo! Milo! Milo!

I'm back! Yeah!

Ah! Hey!

Don't touch that.

I knew you'd be back! I knew it!

Sign my chest. Please. Sign my chest...

Come on!

That is brilliant!

I made you a comic. See? It's us!

Yeah. Wow.

Coloured it in, yeah.

Milo? Milo!

Kate.

Thank you, I mean...

Oh.

It's you.

I can't believe it, Milo, it's actually you, isn't it?

So it would appear.

Yeah. OK, come on, come on, let's get out of here.

Excuse me!

Ah! Ha, ha!

Hey!

That is crazy, that, they... all those people, all of those people for me!

Enough dicking around, Milo. Take out the wristband and press the damn button.

Wristband?

OK, all right.

Look, you are about to witness something very, very cool.

So, see you... later.

What? What are you talking about?

Ah...

sh*t. It's gone.

What?

It's gone, it's gone, it's gone.

In the crowd, someone must've taken it...

Can you turn the car round?

Turn the car around, please.

That way. Thank you.

Can you see anything?

Yeah, that one there. There.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Don't touch it!

Milo! I've got your bracelet!

I love you! I love you!

How could you let her take the wristband?

I didn't have a choice, I was being mobbed!

That was our way home, our one and only way home.

We're stuck. We're f*cking stuck!

Just calm down, man. Just calm down.

Are you really just going to let me sit here?

You left a su1c1de note.

You've been gone four years, the world mourned you, I cried for you.

Sorry about that.

Er, pretending to k*ll myself was a real d*ck move and I do feel really bad about it...

Just, just shut up, Milo and come here.

Get off my fiancee!

Your fiancee?

Ah, Danny's my fiance.

Mm.

What?

I faked my own death. To be gay with him.

And now we are getting... married.

You're gay?

Massively, yes.

I don't understand why you would lie to everyone, to me... I, I loved you!

Ah, I'm sorry. I...

Get down!

Oh, my God. What just happened? Are you all right?

Here, wait here, I just need to sort out your security.

You thinking he's switching it up, hm?

The guy trying to k*ll us, using a r*fle instead of a sword.

I can't believe you just kissed my fiancee.

Who cares about that? Somebody tried to sh**t us.

She isn't even your Kate. She just looks a lot like her.

How about exactly like her?! She has literally the same DNA!

You're just all touchy because you think all the Kates ever should be in love with you.

Course not, don't be ridiculous. It's just...

On the last world, she's... with Pete.

Here she... she likes YOU.

What about me? I'm...

I'm her soul mate.

Dan, I respect what you're going through, but if you ever use the word "soul mate" again, I'm gonna have to b*at you.

You didn't have to love it so much. Your face, you were like...

Mate, no.

Look, Kate's the last person I would ever be...

I know, you hate her, I get it.

It's about whether she's right for you, that's all. I don't hate her.

I think Kate's fine, if you like that kind of thing.

Glad to hear it.

Oh, sh*t. Yeah!

Ah! This is the life, Dan.

Rock and roll, Daniel-san!

I know, it's kind of weird.

Now, I need to know, am I still your manager? Or is this guy?

Manager? Oh, no. You... you'd be great.

Fine, I'll call the press conference in the morning and come and get you.

Stay put, there's obviously a nutter out there.

Oh, oh, oh...

I would really, really like to, er, Google myself.

Thank you.

Go nuts.

I'm really sorry about... me and him.

But I'm sure someone like you can do a lot better than Milo.

Thank you so much for the encouragement, Mr Whoever-The-f*ck-You-Are. Now crawl off and die.

Look, dude, I'm sorry the wristband got stolen.

I don't want to be here any more than you do.

Oh, really?

Cos last time I checked, you were the world famous rock star and Kate was in love with you and I'm your weird, acne-ridden number one fan.

Have you seen his comic? It's got me as your sidekick.

Your frigging sidekick!

So?

What's so hard to believe about me being more successful than you?

That, that is not what I mean...

We're both tired, we need to sleep.

Yeah, we should be asleep.

Ah...

You do realise we're not actually engaged?

It's a big bed.

I'm not the one who got us stranded in a bunch of shitty alternate universes. Floor.

We'll take it in shifts in case Callum comes back.

Callum...?

Callum Stevens?

The guy with the sword who keeps trying to k*ll us.

Yeah, sorry! For a minute I thought you meant Callum McCormack, that weird, hormonal kid from our art class, and I was like, whoa, argh! What's he doing back here?

You're on first shift.

♪ I can't erase you... ♪
♪ That wants to make you believe... ♪
♪ I make your... ♪

Shut up.

♪ I'm a firewire junkie Firewire junkie ♪
♪ Touch your wings up in the sky. ♪

Mm...

Milo, wake up.

Milo, wake up, it's Callum!

What?

Where?

It's a sign.

I can, I can see that.

No, I mean it's, it's a sign, like, divine intervention kind of sign.

Oh, yeah!

The guy that keeps trying to k*ll us is here, in this reality, on a billboard!

He doesn't look dangerous.

But how can we be sure he knows anything at all?

It's all we have. Come on.

Hey, hey, Danny, Danny, I was up all night.

I've got this song, Firewire Junkie, I don't know what it's about, but the lyrics are, they are... so wow, right now.

Can we walk while we talk about how brilliant you are?

Yeah, great.

I mean, I guess it means I was addicted to the internet or something, cos junky, firewire, they just sort of go to...

Morning. This way.

Oh, er, change of plan, me and Danny actually have some stuff we need to take care of.

Right, I'll just tell the world's media that have gathered for your press conference that you've got some "stuff", shall I?

Yeah.

That'd be grand... Thank you, cheers.

You can't come back from the dead after four years and just slink off.

Whoa, who are these guys?

They're your security detail.

After the limo incident, you're not going anywhere without protection.

Screw it, I'll go to Goldenmire myself.

Just wait.

Just wait for this sh*t to die down, man.

I don't want to wait. I want to get out of here.

We need to find another wristband.

I know, but it could be dangerous. We need to stick together.

You mean you want me to sit around and watch people drool over you?

Milo! Milo!

Keep your sh*t together, OK?

I'm going to find some way out of here.

Hello!

Ah!

Ooh.

Your breakfast.

This is breakfast?

Yeah, your usual.

OK. OK.

Ah, no.

I'm supposed to be keeping my sh*t together. Danny doesn't think I can, but... I can.

You've really changed.

On the other hand, they do say it's the most important meal of the day. Don't they?

Yeah!

Showtime.

You got a cigarette?

Excuse me?

A cigarette.

You know, like you smoke?

Gives you cancer?

You're Callum Stevens.

I thought I was going to have to fight my way in to find you.

You're the boss of Goldenmire.

Boss!

Oh, God, those f*cking posters.

You don't know who I am, do you?

Course not.

Why would you when it's you from another universe that's chasing us?

Erm, another... another what?

Nothing. You'd think I was mental if I told you.

Whoa, whoa.

Erm, sorry, you said something about another universe?

Yeah. Erm...

I'm from an alternate reality.

See, I told you you'd think I was mental.

No. No, it's not that.

I'm laughing because I believe you.

This is a jam! This is my jam, man!

What is it this song? What is it?

Firewire Junkie.

Firewire Junkie, course it is. Yeah, love it. That is a monster bass line.

What's that instrument? What is that instrument?

That's a guitar.

Guitar!

They sound great.

Can I ask you something?

Mm-hm?

What did you mean in that note?

Excuse me?

Your su1c1de note.

The one that you managed to leave behind my bookshelf so I didn't find it for months.

Instead I spent week after week wondering what had happened to you, if you were still alive...

Again, really sorry.

On the last line you wrote, "I'll be on the other side, back where I fingered Stacey Flatley."

What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

Stacey Flatley was my first girlfriend.

That's what that means.

So why would you write about fingering her on your su1c1de note?

dr*gs!

Probably dr*gs.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

So many dr*gs.

Oh, here we are.

Let's have some fun!

What did you think, mate?

What did you think? The comic -- did you read it?

I didn't get any time.

I'm writing a follow-up.

It's called The Impostor.

It's about you and me, except it's not really you.

It's someone else.

What are you saying, Danny?

Wow!

You know my name!

Yeah, we went to school together, didn't we?

For a month or two. And then, like a butterfly, you flew!

Like a big, sexy butterfly.

Please welcome local legend, Milo Edwards!

Hello, everybody. Hello, yes, with my face. Oh, hello.

Hi.

Hello. Oh, thank you.

What is this for?

You never do a press conference without playing something first.

OK.

Er, yeah. So, this is a song.

Could you... Is this tuned? Yeah?

That's good. OK, then.

This press conference is over!

Oh, thank God.

Argh! Jesus Christ, Kate, they sh*t me in the d*ck! They sh*t me in the d*ck! They've sh*t me in the d*ck!

What is this place?

It's Goldenmire's basement. I'm using it for my research.

Oh! Oh, no, don't touch that.

Why?

Seriously, just don't touch it.

So, parallel universes.

Right. Er, yeah.

So, I studied physics.

Got a PhD, got a lot of funding... for a research project.

Things were going really well.

I'd been doing some research into parallel universes and how a person might jump into one.

So I built this crude prototype... which, er, didn't work.

But it did find an area of unusual activity, somewhere here.

Every single ion in this area is, erm... inverted, I suppose you'd call it.

Which is against the laws of physics.

That's the graveyard in front of the church.

I mean, in my wilder moments, I've often wondered if it's, erm... some kind of a gateway.

And if we can just find the way to push through...

Then what?

Hmm?

If you can finally find a way to push through...?

Oh.

There wasn't really an end to that sentence. Just, erm... that would be really cool, basically.

Slowly, from the top, using normal words, tell me what you know.

OK.

But we're going to need biscuits.

It's numb! It's the shock.

I can't feel anything. Why would someone sh**t me in the d*ck?

I don't think they were aiming for your d*ck. They were trying to k*ll you. Just calm down.

Calm down? Calm down?! How calm would you be if someone sh*t you in the vag*na?

Don't be gross.

Oh, I'm sorry! But I love my penis, Kate! I love it.

It's not the biggest, it's not the best, I don't get to use it all that often, but Christ, it's mine.

It's mine. Why is someone sh**ting at me all the time?!

Can't find it.

Oh, God, it's gone. Is it all gone? It's all gone?

The wound. You haven't been sh*t.

But... my jeans.

Must be someone else's blood.

Can you pull my jeans up, please?

So, what you're saying is, you need money?

And three months.

Three months here?

Jesus Christ. My wedding...

Would you come with me to meet the other traveller I was telling you about?

He should be able to get you all the money you want.

He is Milo Edwards, after all.

Milo Edwards?

O-M-G, I love him!

And he's so hot.

Is he that hot in real life? Because those eyes...

I could swim in them.

You hook us up with a way out of here and I promise you all the eye-swimming you want.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, fucksticks.

Go! Go!

GO!

Well.

I don't know about you, but I could really do with a beer right...

OK, who are you?

Whoa!

Cos you're sure as sh*t not Milo Edwards.

Who are you?

You're all from different universes, right?

That's why there are so many of you and you keep coming back.

Am I sort of in the right ballpark here, or...?

I'm important enough for you to want me dead.

And not just me, but every version of me and Milo in existence.

No, we don't want all of you dead. Just two of you.

You're a slippery pair. So that's why we're k*lling all of you.

Might be a sledgehammer for a small nail approach, but not my call.

Whose call is it?

You think I'm bad?

Oh, there's a version of me...

Even I'm f*cking terrified of him.

He's our leader.

So let me give you a word of advice.

You can't win.

Running will only postpone your painful and inevitable demise Give up now and I promise I will make it quick and painless... ish.

That's not advice, that's you asking me nicely if you can k*ll me!

Can't say I didn't offer.

Come on. Come on. Come on!

Why have you have you got a g*n?

Everyone has a g*n!

Yeah, so it appears. Since when?

Since Prime Minister Farage said we could.

Farage?

The guy with the weird ties? The Ukip guy?

Who are you?!

I'm Milo Edwards. Who else would I be?

OK.

Well, the Milo Edwards I know has a tattoo of the Venus de Milo on his penis.

Calls it his Penis de Milo.

Sorry, that is classic me, that.

Penis de Milo -- that is genius.

Except you don't have the tattoo.

I had it removed!

Oh, what, completely lasered off your d*ck?

That is way too painful to be possible.

Maybe it wasn't real in the first place and I just put it there to impress the ladies.

You were different before.

You were more confident, more handsome. Just cooler.

I'm cool!

No.

I mean, you're a good likeness, I'll give you that.

And it was probably worth a lot of money, pretending to be him.

But I took a strand of your hair from the limo and I sent it to be tested for DNA.

All right, listen, listen, I'll tell you everything.

But I've been sh*t at twice in the past 24 hours and they're almost certainly coming back to finish the job.

So I'd just really like to get out of here before I get sh*t at again.

That'd be great.

Where's the bloody gateway?

So that's what you're going with? A parallel world?

It's the truth!

Two sh*ts of tequila. Thanks.

Look, I know. I know it sounds crazy, but where I'm from, I picked the Transformer.

What you on about?

The big story about Milo Edwards when he was a kid, and the choice between the Transformer and the guitar?

I picked the Transformer. This guy picked the guitar, and hey presto, rock star.

That's the same story he used to tell.

But he didn't pick the guitar. He picked the Transformer.

But that's what I did. I did that.

Why's he so famous?

Because he decided that's what he wanted.

You know, he worked at it. He practised.

But there had to have been, like, a thing.

Like, he broke his leg so he had to stay at home and practise.

I'm just saying there has to be a point where realities diverged.

You make choices, Milo. What to do, what not to do.

And you live with them. That's all.

You can't blame anyone but yourself for how your own life turns out.

Hello. And?

There's a...

Yeah, er... OK, yeah, thanks. Thanks for telling me.

That was the lab calling with the DNA test results.

Listen, I can explain...

It's a 100% match.

Three independent tests. You're...

You're Milo Edwards.

I'm Milo. I told you! I told you this.

So why have you been spinning me all this absolute bullshit about parallel worlds?!

You had a g*n! You've got a g*n pointing at me.

I thought you wanted me to say something. So I was saying something!

We are going to need a lot more sh*ts.

Yeah.

It's him.

Milo?

Milo. Milo!

Oh, hey, hey.

What happened?

Oh, I don't know.

I was sh*t at again!

Again?!

And I thought it was my d*ck.

But it turns out that one of my fans got sh*t in the shoulder.

They're OK, but it was really, really close.

So you're fine, good. Now listen -- I found Callum.

And the one from here -- I sh*t you not -- is this mad genius and he's been researching parallel universes...

Oh, my God!

Can you two lovebirds please keep it down?

Ugh, I feel horrendous.

You had sex with her?

I don't think so.

You don't think so?

I don't really remember.

You might have had sex with my fiancee and you don't remember?!

So what if I did or I didn't?

Jesus Christ, Danny, it's not all about you.

What is that supposed to mean?

You don't like it that I'm somebody here.

That I'm the one people are looking at.

Don't be ridiculous, it's not even you...

That's why you ran off to Goldenmire without me.

While I got sh*t at, by the way.

The Callum with a sword showed up, Milo, I almost got k*lled!

You just can't handle the fact that I am famous and that Kate choose me, because everything has to be about you!

Screw you, Milo!

Did you just...?

I was angry.

You just pressed the button.

I didn't?

Yeah. You did.

It's... it's broken anyway.

It got pretty smashed up during the fight.

You were going to leave without me?

How could you... how could you do that?

What sort of friend does that? Are we even...?

Are we even friends any more, Danny?

I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

You got the names of everyone here?

And he definitely checked in today?

Daniel Gates?

Yeah?

Put your hands behind your back.

Excuse me?

Hands...

Behind...

Back.

Why?

You're under arrest.

But I... Hang on, no, no. I haven't done anything! Hey!

I was sat on the cough in my PJs with a slice of granary, and I'm looking at the TV and I'm like, "Erm, excuse me?

"What is my best friend of all time Danny doing sh**ting people at a press conference?" Do you know what I mean?

I'm like, what?!

Like, phew, I... "Are you going to call the police, Paul?"

Er, yeah, I think I AM going to call the police because I don't want that kind of sh*t on my streets. Crime!

Well... thanks for your help.

Sayonara.

Unbelievable.

Lunatics and morons.

What's going on? Is anyone going to tell me why I've been in here all night?

Let's start with why you tried to sh**t Milo Edwards.

Me?

sh**t Milo?

Why would you think that I would want to...

I knew you'd be back. I knew it!

Oh, God!

Kate?

Milo?

Danny, look mate, about last night... I didn't...

Oh, wrong Danny.

What do you mean?

What are you doing here?

How did... how did you get past security?

I'm really sorry about this, Milo... but I sort of k*lled them.

'Scuse me?

Am I mumbling? I k*lled them.

Just like I k*lled you four years ago.

Oh, you're properly f*cking crazy.

So it's been said. But I find labels so constrictive.

Don't you?

You can stop denying it, Mr Gates.

Your old friend Paul told us everything.

f*cking Paul.

He told us about the death threats you've been sending Milo Edwards.

You don't understand, there is somebody out there who looks exactly like me, he...

Oh! Your lucky day.

It's your lawyer.

Dad?

You're lucky they have no concrete evidence right now, it's nothing but circumstantial.

You disappointment me, son.

Are you high on spliff and whatnot?

No, Dad, I'm not high on spliff and whatnot.

"Hwa-yakeul ji-go bool sok-euro deoreo-kanda."

It's a Korean proverb.

It means, "An insect falling into the gunpowder and entering the fire."

Since when did you speak Korean?

It means you're asking for trouble.

Word of advice -- get far away from here before they find proof of your guilt.

Dad, I really hope there's a universe out there where you're not a complete d*ck. But I'm not holding my breath.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got someone who needs my help.

Thanks very much for getting me out of prison though.

I knew you were special the day I met you.

Special? Yeah, well -- you're not the first person to call me that recently.

I knew there was a reason our paths crossed.

And now here you are -- back from the dead!

My big, sexy butterfly.

If you think I'm so great, why do you want to k*ll me?

I'm helping you, you ungrateful bastard!

Helping you cross back to the land of the dead, to set you free!

So basically you're insane.

You're magic, Milo!

How else could that su1c1de note appear in your handwriting months after I stripped you of your flesh and wore it like a cape?

Wait -- if you didn't write the su1c1de note, who did?

♪ I'm a firewire junkie ♪
♪ I touch the sky ♪
♪ I'm a firewire junkie, flying high I'm a firewire junkie... ♪

All right, If you're going to k*ll me, just do it.

Cos it's got to be better than whatever you're doing right now.

Milo, I just got arrested for trying to sh**t you at your press conference. That weird fan must be...

Here!

Oh, God.

You interrupted my song, mister.

Wait, I don't understand. What happened to me? To you?

Why are you so obsessed with Milo?

Obsessed?

Save that for the teenage girls.

I WORSHIP you, Milo.

When we first met at school, I was foolish enough to think that I was the special one.

And then I heard you sing.

Yeah, I was jealous at first.

But then I knew it was my destiny to follow you until the day I roasted you on my home-made spit.

You...?

Oh, Jesus Christ, this me is mental.

Milo, before you go, tell me, what was it like?

Being dead?

Hang on...

Aren't you a BIT surprised to see me? I mean, I'm you.

It's another you.

I would be if you're really here. But you're in my mind.

Right. OK, yeah.

So, if I'm in your mind, then you won't mind if I just come over here and...

Don't f*cking touch me, spirit!

They all carry g*ns here, see.

I noticed.

You saved my life.

And you came back to save mine. I think we should hug.

OK.

Yeah.

I've never k*lled anyone before.

You didn't have a choice.

No.

Morning. I thought we could probably both do with a... Holy sh*t!

OK, breathe, yeah? Just breathe.

Look, I know you're not going to believe this, but this isn't your Milo, Kate. Your Milo was k*lled.

Ugh! He's already given me all this parallel world bullshit!

Look at this guy, Kate. Really look at him.

You look the same.

We ARE the same.

Daniel Gates.

Same address. Same date of birth...

What the f*ck?

So what are we going to do here, Dan?

You said you met another Callum?

Yeah, he said he found some quantum sh*t or something.

"Quantum sh*t." - Yeah, it made more sense the way he explained it.

But basically he said that there's like an area, and there could be a gateway there, or something?

Look, I looked all over there.

There's nothing there. It's a dead end.

It's the graveyard in front of the church.

This is where I fingered Stacey Flatley.

It was written on the su1c1de note.

"I'll be back on the other side, where I fingered Stacey Flatley".

It was written on the back, right, Kate?

Right?

This must be a clue.

From who?

I have no idea.

But look, Crazy Danny didn't write the su1c1de note, and nor did Rock Star Milo, cos, well, he didn't commit su1c1de.

And Kate said it turned up after months.

What if there's another Milo out there and he's trying to help us?

No-one wants you to be right about this more than I do, but there's nothing there! I looked all over.

Did you climb the tree?

No. Why would I climb the tree?

Cos that's where you...

Fingered Stacey Flatley.

Can you please stop saying fingered?

She asked me to. It was very respectful.

As respectful as fingering a girl up a tree can be, I suppose.

I'm calling the police, because there is a dead guy on the floor and two guards out in the hall that I'm starting to think might not be sleeping.

They'll take us to prison.

Well, you'd better run.

It was... it was right here.

Yeah, it was right here.

sh*t, there has to be something around here.

Milo.

Unless Callum got it wrong, but then why...

Milo!

Your legs.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Is this a good idea?

We don't know where it leads.

Mmm, but it's not here, Danny-boy.

Hello?

What the hell?

Ahh!

Hey, calm down, don't touch...!

Gah!

Did that girl have a device?

Yes, and a T-shirt with my face on it.

You know the world where I'm a rock star? She must've come from there.

Fucksticks.

It's OK, it's OK.

Maybe the other us will find the gateway...

Where does that one go?

sh*t.

If they go through that gateway, Danny...

Well, then we need to find them.

Before it's too late.