01x01 - The Big Bonanza

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪

"No.1 ladies' detective agency."

Are you a detective, mma?

Not exactly a detective. I'm a detective's secretary.

Mma, do you carry a g*n with you?

There is no need.

Detective work is not all bang, bang, bang, like in the movies.

Hasta la vista, baby!

Dumela, darling lady.

Dumela, rra.

Did you sleep well?

A good detective never sleeps.

Unless of course she's asleep.

I'm late. Is there any post?

All saying the same thing. "Dear sir, your payment is overdue."

I picked up the leaflets from the printers. 200 pula, 30 days to pay.

They look good.

You did a fine job.

"Botswana's only accredited expert."

Let's just hope it does the trick.

Thank you.

Oh, mma, I need a dental appointment.

Have you got a toothache?

No.

But you hate dentists.

Please, just make the appointment.

Dr. Komoti.

What kind of name is Komoti?

I believe he's a Nigerian.

You want to go to a Nigerian dentist?

Let us not be prejudiced.

But you don't even have a toothache!

This Komoti could... could make you unconscious with his anaesthetic and...

... and then he could...

He could what?

Steal the money from your handbag.

Please, it's just a check-up.

That is all! Make the appointment in the name of... Mma Tatan.

As soon as possible.

Now I understand.

This is a professional assignment.

I'm doing a favour for a friend.

I see.

I would like to make an appointment with Dr. Komoti.

It is for my employer, Mma Tatan.

"When he is forced to confront the thing that most strikes terror into his heart, the good investigator grits his teeth... and addresses his tasks with a cool and courageous hand."

She'll be there.

I have made the appointment.

Excellent.

It is in one hour.

Today?!

You said as soon as possible. And today is as soon as possible.

Don't be absurd.

Call straight back and make it tomorrow. As soon as possible tomorrow!

Hello.

Yes, what do you want?

I want a job.

Well, you can't have a job. Go away.

Why?

Because you are too low.

I am tall for my age.

Who are you talking to?

I'm trying to explain to this annoying little boy that we have no job to give him.

Please, mma, I'd be very good for you.

Have you forgotten?

We have 200 pulas' worth of leaflets piled up as high as bricks.

Who is to put them into people's hands, and through their gates?

He will probably just throw them away.

I won't.

I will put them into people's hands and through their gates.

We should give him a chance.

We should give the job to someone who is old enough to read what he is handing out.

I can read.

Come in to my office, young man.

"The No.1 Ladies' Defective Agency."

Nearly.

"Is there someone that you know and love who has mist..."

Mysteriously.

Mysteriously.

Vanished.

Vanished.

"Bring this leaflet with you for your f..."

... with you for your free...

"... free discount."

Very good. What is your name?

Wellington.

Wellington!

I will give you a trial.

Yes!

Here is one bundle for you to hand out.

I will give you two pula now, and another two for every client who comes in with a leaflet.

Mma Makutsi?

Thank you, mma.

Off you go.

I still think he will throw them away.

No, he won't!

Charlie, we do not drive the customers' cars as though we are out on the racetrack.

But, boss, we are Speedy Motors.

We are only doing what it says on the board.

We are called Speedy Motors because our work is speedy, not because we soup up the customers' cars.

I'm sorry, mma.

It's all right.

I'm very sorry, I don't mean to cause an inconvenience.

Thank you for this favour. Ginger May has been so worried.

Please, don't give it a second thought. I'm happy to help.

I don't want to put you in any danger.

Rra Matekoni, he's just a dentist, what's the worst that could happen?

Just stay away from those sweets, young lady, and you will never need to look at a nasty drill over again, okay?

Goodbye, Mrs. Moje.

You can go first, mma.

Thank you.

Who is next?

Mrs. Boateng.

Mrs. Boateng, how are you?

I'm all right, thank you.

Did Dr. Komoti do that?

No, she was in a bad car crash.

I am Ginger May.

We've got to be quick, that lady's only collecting her new teeth.

Your uncle told me that you had some concerns.

Big concerns. There's no greater public danger than a dentist... who is having a mental breakdown.

I sincerely agree with that. But what makes you think he's having one?

When he's on an upswing, he's a very good dentist, but when he's on a downswing, he makes mistakes.

We've had infected implants, a root filling that went sideways into a patient's gum, an abscess molar that exploded!

I know what I'm talking about. I am studying to qualify as a dentist myself.

Don't the patients complain?

No.

The patients are too afraid of dentists to complain.

They just run away.

Quickly.

Is Dr. Komoti on an upswing or a downswing today?

It's important.

Okay, bye now.

Thank you again, mma.

Will you come in, please?

Lie down.

Do you have any discomfort?

No.

Pain of any kind?

No. No pain at all, I just want a check-up, nothing more.

I'll be the judge of that. Let's take a look, shall we?

Open wide.

Good. Cleaning is excellent. Healthy gums, no bleeding.

There's a tiny chip in the enamel there.

You may have noticed a little roughness against the top.

Won't take a moment.

What shall I write in the account book?

Nothing.

He seemed like a perfectly normal dentist. Quite good, in fact.

The case is closed. But that was an upswing day.

I think that you should see him again, to find out what he's like on a downswing day.

Oh, no, thank you.

Or maybe you could put Dr. Komoti under surveillance.

You mean shadow him?

Yes, it might be possible.

Mma Ramotswe, we have a client!

I'm looking for Mma Ramotswe, the detective.

I am Mma Ramotswe.

My card, Mma.

"Banda Telephone Smart Supplies."

I think we got our own telephone from your shop.

Isn't that so, Mma Makutsi?

We acquired all our communications apparatus from Smart Supplies.

Mma Makutsi graduated from the Botswana Secretarial College.

97%!

That's high, Mma.

It is the highest in the history of the college.

Rra Banda, would you care to come into my office?

Pleasure, please.

I want you to take a look at this photo, Mma.

Please.

Is this your wife?

Yes, exactly, my wife.

Is she missing?

No, no, no, she's not missing, she's at home.

As large as life, if not too large.

Mma, I want you to take a closer look.

Yeah, the photo, closer.

You see what she's standing next to? There, you see?

It's a dog.

A dog?

Yes, a dog.

So, the dog is missing?

Yes. The name of the dog is Laki.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Rra Banda, but I am not a dog catcher.

The remit of this agency does not extend to four-footed animals.

But, mma, please, my situation is desperate.

You see, I took Laki to the pooch parlour, there in the African mall.

My attention was distracted just only one minute.

It was gone.

And you see, if I fail to bring the dog...

I will be...

... be in the dog house.

If you knew my wife, you wouldn't think of making a joke out of this matter.

This is serious, this is a most important.

I'd like to make an exception for you, Rra Banda.

Biut unfortunately, my diary is full.

Not totally full.

Oh, Lord!

We are still waiting for the documents in the diamond smuggling case, which means that we have... Just a moment.

Three free afternoons, as from today.

But what Mma Ramotswe is too polite to tell you... is that finding a dog would be very expensive.

But it is surely cheaper than finding a human being.

You just have to stand in the right place, you call its name, then it comes.

If it is a happy dog, perhaps.

But this dog definitely does not look happy.

Mma Makutsi is right, as always.

We will take your case at the full unhappy dog fee.

Never did I think the No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency... would stoop so low as to search for a dog!

He's a client.

500 pula a day is not to be sneezed at.

I'm sneezing already.

You go this way, I'll go that.

Sorry, have you seen this dog?

Like this, blond.

Do you have problems?

No, not this one.

Have you seen a small dog anywhere?

These people could help you.

It's very low to the ground, it looks somewhat like a rat.

Yes!

Is everyone just going to look at me with a blank face? Have you seen a small dog?

May I have a glass of water, please?

I couldn't help seeing you reading that leaflet.

I am the lady detective it refers to.

Do you want a tissue?

Thank you. Sit down.

I am Petal Siphambe.

It's my husband.

He has been missing for the last two weeks... and I do not know what to do and who to turn to for help.

You can turn to me.

Please, mma. Tell me more.

His name is Peter.

Last year he joined this new church group, I think they called themselves the Apostolics.

Do you think this group has something to do with him being missing?

Yeah. He disappeared on the Sunday, when they hold those crazy church services.

Do you know what this church group is called?

Mma, I'm a Catholic.

I'm sure you know this, mma, but...

Sometimes when a man is missing he has found interest in another woman.

So you think that maybe he has found himself a nice young Apostolic lady?

With better blankets than me?

It is a possibility.

It wouldn't surprise me.

I know he has many women friends, but when he joined this group, he promised he would turn over a new leaf.

Do you really want to solve this mystery? Even if the solution makes you unhappy?

What difference would it make? I'm unhappy now.

Grace Makutsi!

Don't you remember me? From college.

I remember you.

How are you doing?

I am doing wonderfully, as a matter of fact. Thank you for asking.

I have a great position.

High marks aren't everything, you know, Grace.

I have my own techniques.

I researched all the men who were offering jobs... and then I applied only to the good-looking ones.

I knew that is how they would choose their secretaries.

The looks department. Reverse psychology, you see?

My boss is... He's a great man.

Oh, he bought me this bag, as a matter of fact, so I get all the perks.

And what about yours, what's he like?

My boss is all that a boss should be.

As for my job, I am the senior secretary in a Number One Detective Agency.

Really?

It's just when I saw you down there, I thought maybe you were working for the dog catcher's department.

Excuse me, I'm on a very important case.

What do you want?

I want some more leaflets.

It's too late to deliver leaflets.

Everyone is going home, and so should you.

Please let me do something.

No.

Clean up.

No.

Take out rubbish?

No. Please go home.

Wait!

♪

"Bread and buns can be bought at the bakery."

"Blackberries on bushes."

"Brains, bees and birds to the branches."

"Babies behave badly when bandied about by big brothers."

32 seconds, you're getting slower, not faster.

Let's do it again.

Passport please, sir.

Passport!

I have to report a sad lack of progress in the case of Dr. Komoti.

Don't worry about that. I have a surprise for you.

Look, Dr. Komoti brought it in this morning, for a small electrical repair.

His left-hand tail light.

How did you know?

Because I followed Dr Komoti last night in this station wagon to the border.

And now, a few hours later...

It doesn't make sense that...

... he returned so soon.

Exactly.

Maybe he went to Mafikeng to do some shopping.

Then why drive back before the shops open?

Maybe he went to see his wife and kids.

Then why not stay for the weekend?

What explains it fully is that he's smuggling dr*gs.

dr*gs?

Yes, dr*gs.

A dentist has easy access to such things, and if he's taking dr*gs as well as smuggling them...

That explains the upswinging and the downswinging.

Exactly, we must search this vehicle.

Finders keepers!

Nothing.

Drug smugglers don't leave any traces.

Shame.

This is a very mysterious man.

Then we must read his car.

Read it?

You can find out almost anything about a man just by reading his car.

Really?

Oh, yes.

I can find out more about a man from his car in a minute... than I can from talking to him for an hour.

Looking at a man's car is like looking at a man naked.

But more pleasant, of course. For instance...

The make-up mirror still has its protective cover on.

This man has no wife or girlfriend. No scuffing on the passenger door seal.

This man has no friends.

This car is almost seven years old, but still he has the plastic seat covers on.

Boss, this man likes plastic-covered seats.

No. There's no wear and tear on the passenger seat and none in the back.

He's a lonely man. Open the bonnet.

The clutch cable is unworn, he does not drive like so many people do, in maybe third or maybe fourth, he's a decisive man, he knows his mind.

But his spare tyre is worn, and worn treads on all the other tyres.

What does that mean, boss?

That means he drives a lot.

I knew that.

No. It means he has a weakness.

He's a greedy man who will not spend his money, even with his safety and the safety of others at stake.

My guess is, this is a man who will do anything for money.

I thought I had nothing to worry about.

Now I see I have deadly serious work to do. Thank you, rra.

Thank you, Mma.

That was very clever.

Oh, it's nothing.

So, will I be seeing you at church tomorrow?

Most of Gabarone will see me in church tomorrow.

But I'm afraid not you, JLB Matekoni.

Amen!

Excuse me, Pastor.

Bishop.

I'm the Bishop of this church.

Oh, I'm sorry, Your Grace.

Well, it doesn't matter, you know.

You're not a member of our church, so you didn't know my title.

Have you come to be healed?

Oh, no. I'm in very good health, thank you. Particularly my teeth.

But I do have a question.

Does the name "Peter Siphambe" mean anything to you?

Why do you ask?

Because he's disappeared. And the only clue I've got is that he belonged to an Apostolic Church.

You think he's gone off with some young female fellow Christians?

Well, sometimes, unfortunately man falls prey to the temptations of the flesh.

That is one possibility.

Well, he's not a member of my flock. The Apostolic Church of the Holy Spirit believes in marriage for life. But there are other churches that I could mention, naming no names. The Church of the Holy Army of Jerusalem. Those are the people to ask.

It is possible that it is not the husband, but the wife who has found romance. She put food poison in her husband's food. When he d*ed, the man she loves would help her bury the body... deep in the ground where no old animals can find it. Tell me, did her husband have any life insurance?

I don't know.

Life insurance is a very important element in these cases.

Thank you very much for your time, Father Zadok.

Baptise you in the name of the Father, ... the Son... and the Holy Spirit!

His name is Peter Siphambe.

Peter Siphambe. Do you know him?

Are you a policeman?

I think you mean policewoman.

You're a policewoman?

No, I'm a private detective. Now, please, tell me if you know where Peter Siphambe is.

He's gone to a better place.

You mean he's dead?

No.

He's alive.

In a way that you and I can only dream of.

The good Lord has taken him.

How exactly has the good Lord taken him?

You won't believe me.

Please, just tell me what happened.

Two weeks ago I was baptising sinners.

There were six deacons in the water helping on that day, Peter Siphambe was one of them.

I immersed a young lady sinner, and I saw to my amazement that there were only five deacons in the water.

I counted again, but still only five.

Peter Siphambe had completely vanished.

Vanished.

The Lord has taken him, body and soul.

But I made no reports to the authorities of this miracle.

You know, sometimes it's difficult to explain all these things to non-believers.

I can see that it might be a problem.

Richard?

Richard?

How are you feeling?

If you don't eat your food, how do you expect to get stronger?

I need to eat meat.

Why can't you earn enough to buy some?

I'm doing my best.

I can't ask to be paid just yet.

She can't afford it.

Why don't you sleep on the bed?

You'll be more comfortable.

Nowhere is comfortable.

Do you want the television?

No.

Come, talk to me.

I met a girl I knew from secretarial college.

She was all dressed up, she couldn't stop talking about everything.

Made me angry that a girl who scored 40%, on a re-take, could do so well.

So I was rude to her.

And now I regret it.

You will do better than all of them.

Our parents didn't think so.

They were wrong.

She is here.

Please come in.

Thank you.

Have you found my husband?

Not quite. I have found his church and I spoke to the pastor.

And what did the pastor say?

This is the unsatisfactory part.

According to the pastor, your husband was taken by the Lord, body and soul.

And where does he say He's taken his body and soul to, exactly?

Presumably to heaven. I must say...

Do you think I'm a crazy woman?

No, mma, I don't think you're crazy.

I'm aware that this is not satisfactory information.

And there is another thing.

I found this this morning on the doorstep.

There wasn't a note or anything.

These are my husband's.

Is everything there?

No underpants.

And his watch is missing!

And now you're going to tell me that some heavenly laundry service left this here, and that my husband is on some cloud somewhere with nothing but his underpants and a watch?

No, mma.

It's clear what's happened here, Mma Ramotswe.

My husband has fallen into the arms of a woman, and his old clothes are not good enough for him.

Except for his waterproof gold watch, now that's gone for good!

I have had enough! Consider this case closed.

That is not a happy woman.

I'm not surprised that husband of hers went skipping off.

What you want?

I want my two pula. She was a leaflet lady.

He's right. She was a leaflet lady.

But she's not a satisfied customer.

She won't pay.

It's not his fault.

That is true.

I think it's time for a little dental surveillance.

But this time I will be better prepared.

♪
♪

You don't need to search me.

It says here that you're a detective.

That's because I am.

Oh, so you're like Mrs Marple?

You are very well-read.

But please, just do me the favour of stamping my passport.

I'm in a small hurry today.

Okay, detective, you can go.

Put your arms down.

Relax.

Please. I cannot get to this tooth.

Idiot.

So, both twins are dentists, what is so strange about that?

It is quite usual for twins to be doing the same thing.

Even though they are separated at birth, twins grow up, they meet... and behold they are both driving Chevrolets and married to blondes.

I once met this pair of twins... who just both happened to have had the same tattoo on their...

Oh, BK, you are confusing my thoughts.

A serious crime has been committed.

I think I know what it is, my problem is how to prove it.

Mma Ramotswe, come at once.

Is this horrible little object really Lucky?

Read the collar.

So it is.

It is adorable.

I found him.

Give him five pula.

No, ten pula.

Ten pula.

This is not a bank.

You are a clever young man to have found him. Where was he?

I found him eating from a dustbin. He was lost and hungry.

Did you hear what he said?

He was lost and hungry. I think I know what happened to Peter Siphambe.

Give him 11 pula, he's earned it.

Good job, Wellington, you may go.

♪

Get me the number of the University of Lagos records department.

And make an appointment with Dr. Komoti, it is time to take revenge on dentists.

What do I do with this?

Whatever you do, don't let it go.

This was my daddy's r*fle.

He believed a daughter should learn everything a son would learn.

I am so grateful for that now.

But what exactly...?

Are you ready?

Ready.

This is where we get out.

Is this where Peter Siphambe disappeared?

This is the place.

I thought we were going to sh**t the dentist.

That's a thought!

Now we need to get a little closer to the water.

The dog.

The dog?

The dog.

Come on, he is going to do something useful for a change.

What is it?

Thank you, Daddy.

How do we know that it is dead?

It's not moving.

Let's go then.

No, no. Not yet. We have to get evidence.

Oh, what is that?

Rocks.

A bicycle pump.

Made in Botswana.

And it still works.

A waterproof gold watch.

One reptile down and one to go.

Why do you not simply report this man to the medical authorities?

Because then they will disbar him, defraud- defr... whatever it is they do to dentists.

That would create a scandal.

I don't think it is right to make people... more terrified of dentists than they are already.

I am not happy pretending to be something I am not.

I'm not happy pretending something I don't want to be.

You don't have to do anything. Just stand there and look menacing.

What do you think? Are you menaced?

Yes, mma. It won't work. He looks like a motor mechanic and he looks like...

Like a what?

A hairdresser.

She was going to say something else.

I was not, I was going to say a beautician.

I would never say that you are a something else.

There's something wrong about a something else?

I didn't say that you are a something else and if you are a something else...

You know what, sweetie? If you are in a hole, stop digging.

I am not in a hole.

You are in a hole.

Please, do not fight about this!

Boss, you look like a scary boss.

A strong scary boss.

Well? Are you filled with fear?

Erm, mma, to the rim.

Now all we need is a car.

Come, come, come. It's a beautiful day.

Good.

Nurse, please clean up.

Some men behave worse than little children, you know?

It was a perfectly simple extraction.

Mma Tatan? We have met before, I think.

I was here last week.

Yes, of course. Let me check my notes.

I brought my niece, Elizabeth.

Ah, yes, Elizabeth like the Queen, I remember her well. Sweet little girl.

My niece's name is Portia.

She is 32. She lives in Ganiein.

You didn't see me last week because you weren't here.

I saw your brother, the real Dr. Komoti.

The only time you have seen me is when you and your twin brother... chased me down the road in Mafikeng.

Ah, yes, the fat burglar.

But it is not too late for me to call the police.

Funny you should say that.

Take a look out of the window.

Who are they?

Policemen.

They don't look like policemen.

They are undercover policeman.

That is what undercover policeman look like.

I don't believe you.

Let's invite them in.

Wait.

Very wise, Mr. Komoti.

I think there is a way to settle this between us.

Let's go into the surgery.

Excuse me.

Pick it up.

I said, pick it up.

Detective Inspector Zolani.

You see my friend here, he has got a reputation for unlimited brutality.

So pick it up.

Pick it up.

Thank you, Detective Sergeant.

Pleasure.

You and your brother are running two dental practices for the price of one degree.

Our Botswana authorities take a very serious view of medical fraud.

So, you understand that you must leave and never come back.

Then the good people of Botswana can enjoy... a qualified and stable dentist at this address. Sign.

It's a pleasure, Mr Komoti, to see you suffer in that chair after all the pain you have caused.

I still don't believe they are policemen.

Hey you guys, this fat woman tells me you are coppers.

Show me your badges.

Did you say fat woman?

What if I did?

Spread them.

I will make it easy for you.

Either cross the border right now or take a ride with us back to the police station... for some fist sandwich and some jail floor pie.

And I will enjoy... I mean, you will enjoy it.

I need some music to calm me down.

Have you got some Luther Vandross in this car?

Loo who?

Luther Vandross.

No, police officers would not listen to Luther Vandross.

They'd listen to something with more power like Bon Jovi or Meatloaf.

I do not believe that promise for one moment.

Don't worry about it, I took the precaution... of calling my friend Billy Vilanin of the South African police.

Doctor and Mr Komoti will receive a less than warm welcome... when they arrive at the South African border.

I can explain everything.

I thought you didn't want a scandal.

I don't, in Botswana.

You were pretty convincing out there, Mr JLB.

Thank you.

You weren't so bad yourself.

For a something else?

Is this your husband's watch?

I gave this to him on our fifth wedding anniversary.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

I have brought your fee.

-It is 200 pula a day, I think.

That is correct.

You must be very sad to have lost your husband.

I am a little bit sad.

But I would rather his watch be in the stomach of a crocodile, than telling time for some a young woman.

Can we afford this?

I intend to do what is right.

Besides we solved three cases, though there will be no payment for the dentist's case.

Not quite, Ginger May says that once she has qualified, she will do your teeth completely free of charge for the rest of your life.

That is very generous of her.

Let me drive you home.

Nope.

Thank you but I will be quite fine.

Let me.

It's the least I can do.

Is that your house Erm, mma, just there.

It is a very peculiar thing for her to say.

Being happy that the watch was in the crocodile, not his girlfriend's pocket.

I know what she meant.

I suspect her husband was always a ladies' man.

It is painful knowing the man you love is being unfaithful.

Now that pain has gone.

Does it go? Really?

Perhaps not completely.

There is always something that remains.

But time is a great healer.

Not always.

Thank you, mma.

You are late. Where have you been?

I have been working.

I'm going to cook something special for you tomorrow, seswaa matwinna.

How can we afford it?

We had a little bit of a big bonanza today.

♪

If someone is very frightened and they live in fear of their life, could you find out why?

Do these make any difference?

No difference at all.

This is a medical problem.

Why don't you leave it for the hospital authorities to solve?

I can't stand by while an innocent man's life is being ruined.

Just say that you are my private assistant and then see what you can find out.

If you would only allow me to put a supportive arm around you.

A patient will die if no-one is there.

There's more for The No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency next Sunday night at nine.