01x05 - Beauty and Integrity

[bunniefuu]

Where's your boss?

He's gone fishing. Fishing?

In the Limpopo.

Has he ever been fishing before? Never. It's very odd.

You are not coming in here.

Have you had an argument?

It's a shame they are not clients clamouring for entry.

Perhaps there is some case they want to have solved.

The mystery of what came first - the chicken or the egg.

So, Rra Matekoni.

Mma Ramotswe... Mma Ramotswe....

Mma, have you found my daughter's boyfriend for me yet?

I tailed her to school again.

There has been a development.

"I miss you every minute we are apart, Jack."

"I miss you every minute we are apart Jack, kiss, kiss, kiss."

Those Xs all over it are kisses.

Who is Jack?Jack is the boy you have still not found.

And don't forget I can always go to your rival. Rival?

So, my daughter, a number-one priority.

Come.

I'll teach you.

Entrust your affairs to a man.

He has set his sights on us and he intends to blow us out of the water.

Ex-CID, ex-New York, ex-cellent. And no chickens.

I've seen enough, let's go.

Oh.

Dumela, mma. Hi.

Two beautiful ladies.

I asked myself who would be my first customers, here is is my answer.

You're very kind, Rra. I'm not called beautiful every day.

I am a detective, observation - it's in my blood. Here is beauty.

But what am I saying?

This face is not just beautiful, it is the face of Mma Ramotswe of the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency.

It is an honour, mma.

This is Mma Makutsi. Assistant detective, and a graduate of the Botswana Secretarial College.

Oh, that place.

Cephas Buthelesi, ex-CID Johannesburg.

Back now in my mother country and ready to kick ass.

A busy life, Rra.

You also lived in New York. New York, yes, New York, so good they named it twice.

Cold water?No, thank you.

How long did you live in New York? Not many years. How many...

Anyway, ladies, what can I do for you? Your husbands playing up?

I can see by your hands that you are spinster ladies.

That's good - married to the job.

This is a courtesy call, Rra, that is all.

There's room for both of us in Gabarone, mma, the city is growing, you can carry on with your bits and pieces while I take care of matters that require a man's approach, a professional detective's approach.

We are professionals. I meant qualified, experienced, professional.

Please close the door as you go out, ladies.

I have never met such an arrogant man.

He's all talk and water coolers.

Precious Ramotswe.

Two sh*ts Pulani!

Hey, my offer is still open.

And my decision is still final.

Your friend would have been a hot favourite for Miss Traditional Build 2008.

A beauty contest?My stock in trade.

And you, Miss Prim and Proper 2009.

Compliments twice in one day.

Enchanting as always, but I've got business across the road.

Why go to Mr Untried And Untested when you could have Mrs Ready Willing And Able right by your side.

I only wish my girls were as good as you two.

The story begins a long time ago in the Garden of Eden.

We are going to need a very big file, Mma Makutsi.

Eve tempted Adam. Why?

Because she was a beautiful woman and the same is true now and so my beauty contests are very popular.

But these girls of yours, what is the problem?

There are people who say it is wrong to encourage ladies to dress up and walk in front of men.

They write to our sponsors and tell them to put their money elsewhere.

Because of these people, now we have to be squeaky clean.

And these girls...?

Two of our beauty queens were found to be bad girls.

One was starring in the wrong sort of movie. Oh.

The other was using a stolen credit card.

In my experience beauty and goodness rarely...

And now your sponsors are worried.

Very worried.

But then...

I had a brainwave.

The Miss Beauty and Integrity contest.

We scrutinised all entrants for morals and we came up with a short list of six.

But...?

One of the six was found shoplifting last week.

The contest is in three days. We must make certain that the others are 200% spotless.

This is a case crying out for female intuition. True, true.

That is the short list. Names, addresses and vital statistics.

And you two are going to take them to task and report back.

And I will choose the winner. You? Don't you have a panel of judges?

A panel that does as I say.

They know something that you two are about to find out no-one pays like Two sh*ts Pulani.

I think it can be said we showed that flashy Cephas Buthelezi what we are made of.

"Satisfaction guaranteed", hah!

It is our satisfaction that is guaranteed, not his.

Can you imagine a man like him trying to handle a case like this?

One look at those beauty queens and he would be putty in their hands.

I know all about these types of girls from my days at secretarial college.

I know how men react to low marks and high hemlines.

We will not have that problem.

We will be impartial, objective, clear-headed.

Mma, you may have to pursue this case alone.

I promised Mr Patel I would find this boy, Jack.

It is the perfect case for me.

Have you heard the expression "never judge a book by its cover"?

Mmm, luckily that does not apply to pretty girls.

"I like so much what you have done with my hair," she said, "that I wish you would cut my dog's hair."

Do you know what I said to her...?

Ah! 97%! How can I help you? I wish to ask you some questions, BK. sh**t.

Do you spend all your days with vain and empty-headed ladies?

Not at all.

Oh, well, let us just say from time to time a vain and empty-headed lady might perhaps wander in here, just by chance.

Sometimes, maybe, every now and then.

You chat to them, put them at their ease. Draw them out.

I do.

How?

What do you want? I was looking for Rra Matekoni.

He's away.

­ Come here, baby, come here.

A man should have a hobby, otherwise he's always getting under his wife's feet.

And if a man has no wife, if a man has no chance of a wife, if the woman a man wants for his wife will not look at him twice, then what?

Then the river is a fine companion.

You said Rra Matekoni might be joining you this evening.

He had to go away.

Not a sick relative, I hope?No.

An emergency at work, perhaps?

No, mma.

Don't tell me he's sick?

Rra Matekoni is in very good health.

Is it perhaps my cooking that keeps him away?

Rra Matekoni is very fond of your cooking.

And he enjoys coming here to eat with you?

I think so. And you enjoy his...

It's just a meal, Rose.

Just because we sometimes break bread together does not mean we must do it for ever and ever. No, mma.

We're not married.

No, mma.

He went fishing. I see.

Thank you, Rose.

Yes, mma.

You are looking very pretty today, like Rihanna.

Is she your favourite celebrity?

Yes.

The idea is that I draw you out.

I am exploring what makes your mind work.

Rihanna is very pretty.

All these girls are pretty, Richard.

They are beauty queens, or that is what they want to be.

Beauty queens.

It is their minds I am interested in, their... their moral fibre.

Are there still tickets available for this contest?

Richard. I am sick of these four walls.

Beauty contest. It is pretty girls that got you in this trouble in the first place.

I'm sorry, I should not have said that.

Go back to your questions.

I'm sorry.

So, Rihanna, what do you like about her?

Do you want my honest answer?

You would make a terrible reporter.

Richard that is it, a reporter.

[ HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY ]

I will go and get your tablets.

Those tablets, this place, I'm going to go crazy like this.

If you would only allow me to put a supportive arm around you.

Oh, JLB, I don't need a supportive arm, I really don't.

I will do anything you ask. Would you, perhaps, marry me then?

Anything except that.

I can offer her great stability.

Maybe she's looking for something different in a companion.

That is very inconsiderate.

"It is quite hard being Gabarone's best proper detective"! "Best proper detective"?!

"You have to be tough in this business, that's why men are best at it." Men!

"If any readers have something that needs looking into, I am their man, I repeat, I am their man."

Are you worried?

I am worried.

I am worried too.

Dumela, darling ladies.

You are impressed. New York, Johannesburg, CID experience, and on top of it he's a man, a man of the world. Of course I'm impressed.

You did not find him full of bluster and hot air?

He blows his own trumpet but he has a trumpet to blow.

So. So, that tells us something.

Yes, it tells us that BK is a very stupid man.

We know where we stand, mma.

We do our job effectively and efficiently or our rival will put us to the sword.

It is do or die.

So.

I have studied the list of girls and removed their vital statistics, they are of no interest to us.

Quite right. It is what they have here that counts.

In their hearts, I mean, not their...

I understand.

And, mma...

I will not be judging books by covers. I am glad.

I will be reading every chapter.

Grace Makutsi, Botswana Daily News.

I am here to interview Motlamedi Matluli.

A very good subject.

Where will I find her?

Oh, probably in church.

Try the canteen.

[ MUSIC, CLAPPING, WHISTLING ]

I am looking for Motlamedi Matluli.

I am a reporter from the Daily News.

Shh! Shh!

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

Are you looking for me?

I will work with children, the ill and the orphaned.

And have you already got experience, volunteer work, perhaps?

Um...

At present I am too busy with my studies, but once I've graduated, I will dedicate all my time to helping others.

And how will you make a living?

I won't need to.

I will have the money from winning the beauty contest.

I have won two of Mr Pulani's contests already - he's always putting me in his shows.

This one is different. The name is different.

So, you think you are going to win?

I won the other two.

Motlamedi is the most beautiful girl in Gabarone.

And what about your integrity?

Oh, it looks very good in a swimsuit.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Nice car.

Let's go for a spin.

Hello, my angels.

I know you!

Do not listen to him, this man is not allowed to see girls, he already has a wife and three children.

That's not true, I am not married. I am not...

That is what they all say.

No.

Would you rather I say that that you are illegally driving a car that belongs to one of Rra Matekoni's clients, while taking unauthorised leave from work because your boss is away fishing?

Now, turn this car around and take it back to where it belongs.

And me with it.

Four more girls, very little time.

I know a lot about girls, I could tell you... Hands off, get going.

You do know a lot of girls, don't you?

So you know this Motlamedi?

I know her very well indeed from the Gogo Bar.

Very fine buttocks that she puts to very good use.

Just like that?Eh, Rra. Just like that.

Gladys Tlnapi, Charlie.

Gladys, my... my... Oh, one two three!

And very nice and charming.

To you, perhaps. And this one, Patricia Kopong in Tlokweng.

No. Are you sure?

Quite sure.

Thabisa Gopane. Never heard of her.

Lucky for her.

Take me there.

Good morning, mma.

I'm sorry to trouble you but I found a textbook near your school last night, it belongs to a boy named Jack.

Do you have a Jack in your school?

You do.

And what age is he?

Then I think it must be another boy.

Thank you, mma.

Good morning, mma.

I'm sorry to trouble you but I found a textbook near your school last night.

I do not like these type of places.

The chicken here is... Mwah!

Ah, so you do know her?No.

What can I get for you today, mma?

I'm sorry. Sweet potato.

One sweet potato.

6.75.

Can I help you?

Sit down there, mma. I'll call you when your sweet potato is ready. Thank you.

What can I do for you, mma? Grace Makutsi, Botswana Daily News.

I would like to talk to you about your inclusion in the Miss Beauty and Integrity.

Can we talk later? I knock off at six. I will see if I can fit you in.

Thank you.

You finish work at six, you said?

Charlie!

Bye.

She was very nice to the old lady. That may have been because we were watching.

You cannot put a line through her name yet... Turn around again and I will do just that.

Buy one of these, mma, they never run.

I can see they are first class, mma, but you wouldn't have my size.

Mma, from this stall you must see everything that goes on.

Hey, I'm the eyes and the ears of the market.

Did you see two girls coming out of the Book Centre, one African, one Indian?

Hey, they went over to the cinema.

Thank you, mma.

There were two girls, one African and one Indian. Did you see them?

They just left.

But the Indian girl, she asked me what was showing tomorrow at 5.30.

And what was it?

Birth Of Fear 3.

She bought two tickets.

I will take one for the same show. OK.

Rra. Very quaint, very traditional.

Like you, mma. What can I do for you, Rra?

Is your wife playing up?

Just a courtesy call.

To say I will be taking over from you on the Kgani break-ins investigation.

We were never officially on that case.

So, you have taken a case that was rightly mine and now I have taken one back.

I hope it makes you very happy, Rra.

Now I must get on, I'm extremely busy.

By the way, we have a mutual friend.

Note Makoti, your ex.

I knew him well in Joburg.

I have interests in several night clubs here and in South Africa.

He was one of our star performers, very popular with the ladies.

I cut my ties with that man. I heard. You have a new man, a man who... fixes cars. He sounds like a much more suitable match.

I dreamt I was well.

[ NOTE MAKOTI'S MUSIC PLAYS ]

BK, has that other detective been to see you about the break-ins?

I talked and talked but told him nothing.

Are you all right?

Is there anything peculiar about a hairdresser with no hair, mma?

The less you have the more you care about other people's.

Do you miss him?

Who?

Rra Matekoni.

Oh... him...

Well... I thought so.

My man also went fishing but not to Limpopo.

When was that?

Longer than I care to remember.

I took him for granted. and now...

Two I have struck off already. And one I have not yet decided.

That is three there are five on the list.

I will do the other two straight away.

BK, tell me you haven't forgotten.

I'll be there. You always put my girls in a good mood.

That's my job.

Action stations, no time to waste.

I must have your report in good time before the show tonight. Right.

You do one I'll do the other.

Thank you, mma.

Oh, come on.

Who's to know?

Does anyone know Patricia Kopong?

Flat 2381. Yes.

Are you lost?

Dumela, mma. I'm...

I am from the beauty contest organisers I am talking with the girls.

Your journey has been wasted, mma. Patricia is not going.

Why?

She is not the beauty queen type.

She's been chosen because... they are trying to make it seem like something it is not. Don't listen to her!

Do you know how long I spentmaking this dress?

My sister has no children of her own.

I do not want her disappointed!

It is you who is disappointing her with your talk of doom and gloom.

Here she is.

This lady has come to talk to you about the beauty contest.

And I told heryou are not going.

I'm not really the beauty queen type. I would like to see some of these other girls carry a heavy sack like this one.

Or get a job from a male employer when they are not glamour girls in short skirts.

Exactly.

Can I at least talk to her?

Please, mma. Please, mma, ke kopa, please.

It used to be enough to give a man a treat by walking around with next to nothing on while they gawped at you.

This time we are supposed to make them feel good about it too.

So they send you to check out our bed linen and see if we've been good little girls.

It is a contest of integrity, not just beauty.

Integrity?

Men with their wives in the big houses, their girlfriends in the small houses and their morals gone missing somewhere in between?

Not all men are like that. Perhaps you know some which I do not.

Are you going to say all this at the contest?

Why else do you think I have entered?Then you will lose.

What will I lose, mma?

I wish you good luck.

Do you think I have no chance, mma?

I have a good feeling about you.

Thank you.

Now I have that feeling too.

What did you want to know?

I wanted to know...

.. what would you like to do with your life?

You will not laugh?Nnyaa, mma.

I would like to go to the Botswana Secretarial College.

I have cracked the case of the badly behaved beauties and picked the winner!

You have picked the winner? Well... I mean...

It is not for me to say that...

Wh-wh-what I am saying is...

Mma! This girl is head and shoulders above the rest.

You have not heard about the girl I went to see.

She talked a lot of sense about who should be judging whose integrity, which, sad to say, makes her a very long sh*t indeed.

What will you be wearing tonight, mma?

I like Two Shows but his contest, that is another matter.

You would love Patricia, she isperfect and...

.. she wants to go the Botswana Secretarial College.

Are you sure you're not influenced by that, mma?

I was impartial and clearheaded throughout.

Well, then let's hope Two Shows does as he's told.

He said that we should scrutinise them and then tell him.

And HE would make the decision.

HE.

Is this seat taken?

No-one is sitting there. It's quite free.

Popcorn?I saw you yesterday.

Oh. At my school, then in the market stalls.

And now here!

That's quite a coincidence.

And in the bookshop.

Unbelievable almost.

And the stallholder, Mma Bapitse, she told me youwere asking after me.

Oh... did she?

Here I am, what do you want to know?

I can tell if you're lying.

I was hired by your father.

He's worried you've been seeing boys.

Especially... a boy called Jack.

If I was you I'd be ashamed of myself.

You are still young.

It is hard at your age to tell a good man from a not-so-good one.

I know the sort of man HE would want for me. Do you?

One who dideverything my father told him.

Jack would not be like that? Jack is an individual.

You like him a lot.

He's all you could hope for in a boy, kind, good looking, sexy.

Steady or exciting?

Sometimes one, sometimes the other.

All the girls would chase a boy like this.

But he only has eyes for me.

[ SINISTER MUSIC ON SOUNDTRACK ]

'RRARR!'

[ WOMAN SCREAMS ]

[ THEY LAUGH ]

Are you going to tell my father?

I cannot lie to him.

Will you call me at my friend's tomorrow and tell me everything that is said?

Give me the number.

Straight after school.

Ke a leboga, Grace. Thank YOU, Richard.

A lady needs a chaperone at a gala event such as this.

[ SHE BUZZES INTERCOM ]

'Yes?'

Mma Ramotswe to see you, Mr Patel.

[ GATE CREAKS ]

Dumela, mma. Dumela.

Mma.

I will deal with this. Nandira, You stay in your room like I told you.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

Come in, mma.

Before you say anything, I know my daughter blew your cover.

Dumela.

You sent him to spy on me? I was being proactive.

I may have mentioned my worries about Jack.

Consider little Jacky taken care of.

He has used information technologyto trace all the boys named Jackin Gabarone.

Each will be receiving a letter - "Nandira Patel is off limits".

You are happy to be associated with this man, with his letters and threats?

What next? Proactive... beatings in dark alleys?

If this Jack has any sense it'll never come to that. And if he hasn't?

If he's head-over-heels in love and has totally lost all common sense?

Is that the case?

What do you know, mma?

Tell me!I talked to your daughter.

You had no choice she sat down right next to you!

In my opinion what this case needs is more talk and not so many detectives.

What did you find out?

There is no Jack.

She made him up.

Nonsense! She's drawn a blank and now she's desperate.

He's too good to be true.

A boy who smothers his love notes with kisses?

Who is a perfect balance of steadiness and excitement?

She's lying. They're in it together.

And...

.. who uses the same pink notepaper that make up the pages of Nandira's diary.

Why would she do this?

Why would she put me through this?

Nandira... perhaps you would answer your father's question.

See? They ARE in this together.

Will you please keep quiet?

You've got it all mapped out for me.

YOU are the owner of my life, not me.

I want the best for you.

I know what the world is like, you don't.

You don't know my world.

That is why I hired detectives.

You just need to ask.

When I ask you don't tell me, or you make things up.

So that I can have something thatyou can't get hold of, and now you have and it's gone.

You are fired.

Fired? You take the word of a teenage girl and....

Both of you.

A smart move, Mr Patel.

If you hadn't fired me... I would have fired myself.

There'll be a cheque in the post.

[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]

The last question to you, Motlamedi.

What are you going to do when you graduate?

I will dedicate all my time to helping others.

Beautiful! Beautiful answer and one full of integrity.

Ha, ha! (The most beautiful girl...)

What did I tell you?

Ladies and gentlemen... the jury will now convene to see which one of these beautiful girls will get to be crowned Miss...

AUDIENCE: Beauty!

And!

AUDIENCE: Integrity!

Please welcome on stage... the Gabarone All-stars!

What is the point of me doing detection if you are going to do what you want to do?

You were worried about the girls but what about your own integrity?Shh!

[ BAND PLAYS BATSWAN MUSIC ]

Now you've got bigger fish to fry.

[ CAR HORN ]

[ CAR HORN ]

You got lucky with Patel, mma. But luck can run out just like that.

You could have k*lled us both!I knew what I was doing. Maybe you did not.

I was talking to Two sh*ts Pulani.

He does more than beauty contests, you know. He's a music impresario too.

We agreed it was a long time since Note Makoti played Botswana.

A comeback is longoverdue, wouldn't you say?

A chance to see friends... family.

We both know there is unfinished business there.

[ SHE SOBS ]

You've got to seize the day, girls.

Grab that prize and don't let it go.

And may the best woman win.

'Ladies and gentlemen...'

The moment you've been waiting for.

I have in this envelope the name of Miss...

AUDIENCE: Beauty!

And! AUDIENCE: Integrity!

Important combination, ladies and gentlemen, I think you all agree.

Any of these five beautiful girls would do our title proud but there can only be one winner.

[ AUDIENCE MOANS ]

Here goes!

In third place... with a prize of 1,000 pula... AUDIENCE: Ooh!

.. and a year' supply of beauty products from our sponsors, The LovelyLady Lounge in the African Mall, is...

[ DRUM ROLL ]

Thabisa Gopane! Yeah!

[ AUDIENCE CHEERS AND BAND PLAYS ]

[ BAND STOP PLAYING ]

In second placewith a prize of 2,000 pula...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

.. and a year's membership of Gabarone's gym and spa, donated by our sponsors...

.. Zeke Fantastique...

.. and a night out withGabarone's most glamorous promoter, is...

[ DRUM ROLL ]

Motlamedi Matloli!

[ AUDIENCE CHEERS ]

[ BAND PLAYS ]

[ BAND STOP PLAYING ]

Our winner tonight...

Miss Beauty and Integrity 2009...

AUDIENCE: Ooh! .. with prize money of 5,000 pula AUDIENCE: Ooh! and a helicopter trip over the Okavango Delta, with our sponsors Up, Up and Away...

.. is...

[ DRUM ROLL ]

.. Patricia Kopong.

[ AUDIENCE CHEER AND BAND PLAY ]

Oh, come here.

Oh, mma. Here she is, mma!

Oh, mma I never would have believed it - my Patricia.

It was you, mma, you gave me the courage to dare and think I might enter and I have won!

It was all due to you, you are a beautiful girl and full of integrity.

I have never seen anything as beautiful as Patricia in that dress.

And I have arranged an extra prize for you, Patricia.

Admissionto the Botswana Secretarial College, the full 12 months costs, free, gratis, no charge!

Oh, mma, that was this morning.

Now, I am thinking much bigger, much, much bigger.

It is you.

I never thought... I would really find you.

But you did.

I just set off driving and then...

And then I had to find you.

Because?

Because...

.. I want you to ask me again.

Ask you?

I want you to ask me again to marry you.

Is that something you can do?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Mma Ramotswe...

.. would you be my wife?

Rra Matekoni...

.. yes, I will.

[ THEY LAUGH ]

An old friend will be coming tosee you.

Come on if you're coming!

Get out!There's this big woman who is causing me a big problem.

She is unsure about me. She has nothing but good to say about you.

So why is she still playinghis records?

I am his fiance. You cannot marry him, she will k*ll you.

You need a beautiful diamond engagement ring.

And what will it take to make me go away, hmm?

Vandals! animals! Who would do a thing like this?

Something is wrong.