01x11 - Remedial Battle Magic

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "The Magicians"...

Okay, what is this place?

Brakebills University.

You've been offered a preliminary exam for entry into the graduate program.

Regrettably, you failed the written exam.

Can I start over?

There's this voice.

Everyone else comes with a lot of static, but him, he's clear as a f*cking bell.

You're hearing The Beast?

I was getting duped.

I'm Stanley.

I'm your mentor. Travelers are rare.

Where are we?

The Neitherlands.

The place between all other places.

My friend's life is in danger, and I need to talk to you about Joe.

Joe? Oh, I love Joe.

Wait, so you know your way around the Neitherlands?

How can I help?

We are pushing the boundaries of what is magically possible.

We are the best Magicians we know.

Silver can literally fly to the moon but mentally is dying.

Bender's trying to stay off the ledge every day.

You're trying to--

Summon a god.

Oh!

I'm a member of The Order, the keepers of the libraries of the Neitherlands, the greatest repository of knowledge.

Here it is.

Wait, Martin?

That's--okay, is there anything in there about The Beast?

Go back to the part where you literally popped in on them banging.

We were casting a spell.

No judgment.

We saved your life.

All right, so there might be a solution here.

Uh, a w*apon.

It sounds like if we could find it, we could use it to k*ll The Beast.

El! Jesus!

It's 11:00 in the morning.

I'm listening.

So Martin's desperate, 'cause the Plover had figured out a way to change physically, which opened up a whole new class of spellwork, which meant that pretty soon he'd be able to follow Martin into Fillory.

[mumbles]

Yeah.

So Martin got a line on an enchanted Kn*fe, the Leo.

Uh...

Yeah, powerful enough to tear through the fabric of magic itself--like, k*ll a god.

So qualified to m*rder a fairly invincible mutant Magician.

That's the same god that made the Virgo Blade.

I f*cking love that guy.

Yeah, so Martin tracked down the Kn*fe maker, asked him if he could make him one, and the guy said, uh...

"Yeah, I can."

And then what?

Uh, well, that's the end of the pages.

Yeah, nothing happened.

If Martin k*lled The Beast, would we be here now talking about him?

Yeah, but here's the thing.

So little did Martin know he would fail to recover the blade, which would remain hidden for decades, which means it could still be sitting somewhere waiting for us.

Right, in Fillory.

The place where The Beast is.

Ergo, f*ck that.

Hey, here's a crazy idea.

Plover wants the button back?

Why don't we just give it to him?

I--I don't think that's a very good plan.

No, that's a monumentally shitty plan.

I don't know.

Those Neitherland thugs work for The Beast, right?

So what if we hand them the button, thereby giving The Beast what he wants, thereby rendering ourselves harmless, thereby he leaves us alone?

Right, 'cause handing the key to the multiverse to a monster is a really-- that's a good idea, Eliot.

Beats getting vivisected.

Yeah, speak for yourself.

If his whole hard-on's locking down travel to Fillory so he keeps it all to himself, I'm still a problem.

Look, you can hide literally anywhere in the universe.

The rest of us do not have that luxury.

So let's not kick our only semi-functional idea out of bed.

Okay, stop.

This affects all of us.

So those in favor of striking a deal.

Sorry. It's the right move.

Because you still seem, I don't know, gloomy about it.

I can't believe you're not. Penny's been gone for a week.

Which is like an hour in the Neitherlands, right?

It means nothing. What if it works?

Then it works. The Beast leaves us alone, great.

You're just upset 'cause you may never get to go to Fillory.

No, that would be stupid.

Quentin.

Why would I want to go?

The child-molesting demon who incidentally wrote my favorite books is there waiting to k*ll us.

Come on. We're late for P.A.

[indistinct whimpering]

No!

[sobbing]

Please, wake up!

Margo, how did this happen?

We should have listened to you, Q.

[coughing]

[whistling]

[whistling "The Farmer in the Dell"]

♪ ♪

You think you're hiding, don't you?

[neck cracks]

[choking]

Sleep tight, Quentin Coldwater.

[whistling]

[all gasping and coughing]

No way in hell we're doing that f*cking spell again.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm just a little shaky.

I don't like dying.

No kidding.

You are Margo.

You are fabulous.

You are under the influence of a probability spell.

I am fabulous, aren't I?

Yeah.

What happened to you?

Beast ripped my head off in the Neitherlands.

So much for negotiating my freedom.

All right, well, this was a dead end.

Well, I hate to say I told you so, but--you know what?

Actually, I don't. I don't.

I don't hate that.

This is the last one.

It's dead.

Ugh.

We're not learning anything new.

In every scenario, The Beast comes next week.

There was one time we didn't all die-- when we went to Fillory.

No. Everything went white.

It's not necessarily better.

Well, I agree with Quentin.

Oh, that's because he blows you.

Seriously, eight tries.

We get seven deaths, one mysterious?

I--give me that.

I don't think that we have a choice.

No, I'm choosing to get the f*ck away from all of you.

Hello, old friend.

Been a while.

Do say you missed me a little.

f*ck you.

Let me cut to the chase.

You will deliver yourself to me.

Do it now, or do it when you've gone so mad you have nothing left, because I'm going to make it very, very loud.

Here's the deal: people used to petition gods all the time to bestow power to work stuff that we'd never dream of.

Now, they're it--biggest source there is.

At least they were, question being...

Where the hell are they now?

Exactly.

No one's spoken to a god in centuries.

They disappeared.

Um, I believe that we can find a way to contact them again to get the kind of help they used to give.

It's time, Richard.

Contact how?

Humans aren't their only children; there are others who are older and might know more.

Magical creatures.

You mean like vampires and unicorns?

Uh, I think unicorns are a myth.

But yes.

Find something high up enough in the hierarchy, they might actually remember when gods and humans were on speaking terms.

And there's a huge cross-section of them right here in the city.

Yeah, because they want to use us.

Look, you're right.

Most of them know nothing other than hunger, thirst, and how to hide, but it's a food chain, all right?

We start at the bottom; we work our way up till we find someone who can help us get to them.

How long have you been at this?

A while.

I won't lie.

You know, it's been tough going.

Bender, show them.

Mostly bloodsuckers, useless junkies, but sometimes you can get a lead on to something else.

After they talk your ear off for, like, 12 hours.

Those leads admittedly keep petering out, but I think we have an ace up our sleeve now.

Julia.

What?

That prayer I gave you, you know, doesn't work for everyone.

Actually, you're the first.

I don't understand.

I know you're not gonna like to hear this, but I gave you a test.

Why? I'm not religious.

I'm not a--I'm not anything.

We don't know why some people are god-touched.

All right? There's no rhyme or reason.

Karma, DNA, luck of the draw.

But it's you, Julia.

I think if we send you on the hunt, we're gonna get some results.

[scoffs softly]

I don't know. Penny was pretty clear.

What are we planning?

Nothing yet.

Just discussing how we're all probably gonna die before we even set foot in Fillory because the Neitherlands are full of mercenaries.

Sounds like a problem.

Point is, we need some serious battle magic.

But that stuff's illegal.

I'm f*cking with you. I'm in.

I'm in too.

I heard the word "illegal."

Oh, Alice, there's a note for you from admin.

I see you've got a call.

Mom, please, just calm down.

I can't understand you.

You what?

I'm so sorry.

I have to go.

I'll call you as soon as I can.

It's Joe.

He k*lled himself.

What?

I have to talk to Penny.

My mom says he was hearing voices and always getting worse and that the voices were threatening him.

He's a traveler--he was a traveler--and I just thought--

I know what happened to her friend.

It's The Beast.

sh*t.

Yeah, I got it under control.

Penny, maybe you should think about the possibility that he's targeting you guys.

I mean, you're like a walking button.

Think you're telling me anything new?

Sorry, I--I should go.

Penny, where are you gonna go?

We can find a way to help you.

I'm sorry. I got to talk to someone.

[knock at door]

Stanley, man, you there?

Penny. I was wondering when you were gonna show up.

You been hearing him too?

He knows everything there is about me-- my son's home address, describes my granddaughter's every freckle.

Look, man, he's targeting us because we can hear him, because we can travel.

I mean, he wants all the roads in and out of his fortress on lock.

No sh*t.

Like I want to travel to a blue state, never mind other worlds.

What do we do?

I got a plan, and there's nothing he can do to stop me.

Yeah? Well, what's the plan?

Watch...and trust me.

This removes all his leverage.

He can't make me do a damn thing.

[g*nsh*t]

Uh, where did you get this?

Is this, like, from World w*r II?

I tripped and fell on it locked in a drawer in Sunderland's office.

My Japanese is a little rusty, but I think that this says, "Majikku misairu."

"Magic m*ssile"?

That's, like, straight-up "Dungeons & Dragons."

Oh, okay.

Uh...

Do you want to--okay.

Move.

Your Popper 43 is off.

Huh?

What if we got g*ns?

What? No.

No, look, this is basic prime directive.

Fillory is a pristine, non-industrialized society.

You can't--

Oh, yes, very pristine.

It's been taken over by a kiddie-diddling mutant.

Yeah, and that's not Fillory's fault.

Great. Let's go native.

Scale of one to ten, how are you with a broadsword, Quentin?

This should have worked.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda.

I mean, we've all done battle magic before, right?

One time or another. Eliot, you--

Twisted Mike's neck like a doll? Yeah.

And it was shockingly easy.

I don't have an explainer for you.

Yeah, and it just sort of came puking out.

Well, where'd you learn it?

I know who we need to talk to.

Tonight, or I k*ll the girl in the dungeon.

Quentin.

No. Whatever it is, just no.

Look, we need your help.

We're trying to locate your ex.

[laughing]

Penny, please.

I know, but this is really that important.

It feels jacked to be doing a mirror spell in here, seriously.

Just focus.

It's not working!

Because she's a good magician, and she doesn't want to be found.

Look, Penny, I know you don't really want to find her, but--

The reflection's changing.

You're welcome.

Penny.

Come with us.

I know this place.

That's Julia's apartment.

sh*t.

Okay.

[knocking at door]

Uh, hi. Could we come in?

Um, Julia's not here.

She won't be back for a couple hours.

Yeah, we're here to talk to you, actually.

Okay. Um...

Please, please, give him what he wants!

[upbeat rock music playing]

♪ ♪

I think that's an insanely stupid idea.

You don't just go fight someone stronger on his turf.

We know. We have a plan for The Beast.

We just need to make sure we have enough under our belt to even make it to him.

Let's just say you're very likely to be mugged in the Neitherlands.

Look, I'm sorry. I can't teach it to you.

Look, most people can't do battle magic except in crazy spurts.

Like baby-trapped-under-a-car type sh*t.

But you can do it on cue.

Yeah, 'cause I studied it for years.

Give us the CliffsNotes.

Fine.

Meditate every day for, like, a decade.

And spells only work if you channel 100% clean.

Great.

So we're stuck with our dicks in our hands.

Look, there is this thing hedges use.

But I really wouldn't recommend it.

Okay.

Now we're listening.

♪ ♪

She bleeds so easily, poor little thing.

f*ck!

I barely touched her.

Hey.

Look, um...

So...

How is she? Julia, I mean.

Why do you care after what she did to you?

Okay. It's none of your business.

You know, that's not how it works.

Giving a sh*t about someone that you give a sh*t about doesn't just evaporate the second that they f*ck up.

So why don't you just admit that you want to ask me about Penny?

Okay, fine.

Look, Julia is good.

Great, actually.

Like, we're working on something that could help a lot of people, so it's good.

Okay, now you--is he okay?

Yeah, he's extra broody, but... you know, it's Penny; he's fireproof.

He's like cockroaches; he'll survive the nuclear winter.

[inhales]

[groans]

You can end it.

Just end it.

Shut up.

Shut the hell up.

Okay.

Okay, look.

Please help me.

You should thank Alice Quinn.

She found you.

Get on with the lecture.

Oh, I've overdosed once.

No, twice, if you count the time I took so much Prozac, I developed tardive dyskinesia, but that was an accident.

The cr*ck--that was a straight OD, no chaser.

You smoked cr*ck?

I've done things that would make you hide under a blankie.

So just tell me what's happening.

A voice from another world has a thing for travelers.

So it's an as*ault.

That's a nice mild term for it.

This goes on the base of your neck.

It blocks the flow to your head like a dam.

You didn't think of giving this to me sooner?

It's not approved.

It wears down the mind's own ability to defend itself.

It's just a temporary fix until we can put you on a stricter regimen.

I don't have time for this.

Penny, you will never have a home.

You will never have a real family.

Your gifts will take this from you over and over.

So when someone cares enough to reach out a hand, just drop the bullshit attitude and take what they're offering while you can.

Bottling our emotions, literally.

Kady says we shouldn't use these for more than three hours at a time, right?

That it's too hard on the system, and when the feelings come back, it's extremely intense.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't lean on the bottle.

But meanwhile we get to go full Spock with battle magic.

I don't like it.

Um, it's the perfect cheat.

I didn't say I wasn't gonna do it; I said I didn't like it.

Wow, you look--

Damn handsome for someone who just had a heart att*ck?

What can I say? Genetically blessed.

What are those?

What do you care?

I thought you wanted nothing to do with us.

I changed my mind.

I'll go to Fillory on one condition.

That girl you saw in the dungeon?

Yeah, we'll get her out.

Deal.

Well, this somehow doesn't feel like a place where anyone knows anything.

Well, apparently this guy's old as dirt.

[people talking]

Got to start somewhere.

Who knows.

[rock music playing]

♪ 'Cause you can't hold back what you can't attract ♪
♪ The subtle attention of time ♪
♪ If you see her, just let me know ♪
♪ I plan to make this woman mine ♪

Girls.

Agency sent you?

You Bjorn?

I asked for blondes.

I heard about you from a girl who got fired from a blood bank on 67th about a year ago.

Apparently, she wasn't stealing for herself.

Tracy sold me out?

What'd you give her?

Honestly, 20 bucks.

So I don't think that was true love.

What do you want? I'm busy.

We just have a few questions.

Mm.

We'll pay.

20 whole dollars, rich bitch?

[chuckles]

Whose is it?

Mine, so it's the cleanest thing in this room.

We want to petition a god.

Um, a--a god?

You mean--you mean like "a god"?

Nobody's doing that stuff anymore, sweetheart.

God's inside you.

Come on, I told you--

Hey, asked and answered.

Come on. Give me it.

Give me a name.

Some other thing like you.

Hey, that's offensive.

I'm a person. I'm a person.

We're not a club.

They're all horrible.

Pixies are dicks, the lycans are rapists, and shapeshifters, they all headed west back in the '50s.

Thank you for that color commentary.

Do you want this or not? Give me a name.

Okay, okay. Okay.

I got one.

[all speaking Japanese]

[all gasping]

Huh. Sort of pretty.

This must be what undergoing the Vulcan ritual of Kolinahr is like.

I like your sweater.

Are you saying that to be cruel?

No. I like your sweater.

I saw no reason not to share.

Well, then.

Shall we go f*ck some sh*t up?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, definitely. Definitely.

Just remember, if this is a Lamia, we're dealing with a high-level psychic.

Yeah.

What are you saying to me?

I'm not saying anything to you.

Who do you think you are? I just want a quarter.

Hey.

Chickadee.

Mom?

It's so good to see you.

I'm so, so sorry.

Baby, I missed you so much.

Kady, step back, okay? It's not your mom.

I'm not an idiot, Julia.

Julia...

I forgive you.

I know what you are.

I'm trying to give you a gift.

Both of you. You need me.

My mom is dead, bitch.

Drop the act.

If you can read my mind, you know that we both have knives in our pockets dipped in gold and silver and coated in shark's blood.

Jesus, that's overkill.

We weren't sure which legends were true.

I hate Ivy League girls.

Then tell us what we want to hear, and I'll get that one out of your hair.

What?

What do I have for you?

Uh, look at this place. Look at me.

Lamiae were servants of a goddess.

Back before the birth of fire, maybe.

We want to petition her.

Oh. That's so cute.

But that's not what you want.

I know what you really want-- to be whole... like you were on that day that you split into two Julias and you got in that elevator and lost everything.

Shut up.

I can give you that.

Get out of my head.

Fine.

I'll be blunt.

She's dead.

They're all dead.

Call the gods all you want.

There's no one to hear you.

Let's go. Come on.

Anyway, "God is dead" seems to be the consensus.

I don't accept that.

Well, Lamia seemed pretty convinced.

She was a bitter, half-starved monster living in filth.

The gods have abandoned her.

It doesn't mean they're gone.

We got another rock to turn over?

Not yet.

So then what?

I don't know, Julia.

I mean, what do you want me to say? "I give up"?

"Forget about ever really fixing anything"?

No, we keep trying, okay?

At least I do. You do whatever you want.

Well, I'm not going anywhere.

I mean, this is my house.

[laughter]

You're bleeding a little.

That explains the burning pain.

Is that a traveler thing?

It's a hearing voices thing.

Well, I guess that beats whatever you were snorting.

Marginally.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

That was an unadulterated success.

Pity we have to put them back.

Agreed. Feelings are bullshit.

Let's just get this over with.

Right. Bottoms up.

[gasps]

Whoa.

[sobbing]

[laughing]

Quentin. Quentin.

You know I love you.

I love you so much. Like, so much.

You know that, right?

Yeah, do you know--'cause I feel like, uh, I'm kind of, like, all alone.

Why aren't we friends anymore, El?

We're best friends.

Can we be honest for five seconds, please?

Honestly...

I'd rather not.

You don't care about me.

That is stupid.

We are going to Fillory to save everything.

It'll all be fine, like before, except even better.

Now catch up.

This is Daddy's third drink, Bambi.

Jesus.

Oh my head.

I couldn't even sleep.

They were a bad idea, the bottles.

I hate everything.

I hate air right now.

You have diagnosed depression.

Shouldn't be bottling you up; you could--

k*ll myself?

I'm sure Plover would get to me first.

I think we should try mastering it without the bottles.

I'm sure you probably could.

I'm talking about all of us.

Not all of us are you, Alice.

Okay.

You're hung over.

I don't think you meant that like it sounded.

I'm sorry. Yes.

I just--I feel like sometimes you don't hear yourself.

All I said was that I think we should try--

This is what that looks like.

I am trying as hard as I can.

Okay. Uh...

If you're not dead, I'm listening.

Whatever--I'm here.

I want to do good.

Please.

Hey.

Troops coming?

Still at the cottage studying. What are you doing?

Trying to get off the bottle.

Me too. Any luck?

Not yet.

That wine bottle knows its days are numbered.

Sit. Get Zen.

I don't know if I can.

Every warrior in history learned how to do it.

I bet plenty of them were hot messes.

We can do this.

Julia.

[liquid splattering]

[coins clattering]

Not so dead, am I?

Nothing was wasted, Julia.

Ever.

Everything has served to pull you closer to me.

Find me... near the bridge.

There's a man who has served me 1,000 years.

Bring him three gifts.

He'll show you the way.

Then I will come to you, my beautiful daughter.

[gasps]

Holy sh*t.

That was a definite wobble, right?

Hey.

Hey.

I brought this for you in case you want it.

Not yet.

You really want to--

Stop.

[giggles]

It's been 3 1/2 hours.

We're late.

It was worth it.

To being bosses.

Ha.

Okay.

[gasping]

Remember that spring at the foot of the mountains in Fillory?

It was Chatwin's Torrent.

Thought you didn't remember the books.

Rupert was wounded, right?

Till the spring healed his leg?

Do you think it's real?

Some of the good parts have to be.

At least I hope so.

Why?

Because I probably have liver damage.

On that note, we're out of wine.

[clears throat] On that note, we're out of wine.

Fine, I'll go.

[laughter]

Jesus, you two.

[squeals]

Ahh!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Um, thanks for reminding me it's there.

Uh, okay, it's your turn.

You can do it.

We are going to Fillory.

[giggles]

Oh, my God.

You're Toto, and you are Dorothy.

Yeah.

And I'm flying Muppets.

One step.

Meerkats.

Two step.

No, wait.

That's not it.

[laughter]

[snoring]

And I think he passed out.

[sighs]

Finally.

You know he was--he was talking about Chatwin's Torrent.

Let's be honest.

There's a lot more wrong with Eliot than a broken leg.

Yeah, but the spring didn't just fix Rupert's leg.

It healed him.

All of him.

There's this thing about you, Q.

You actually believe in magic.

So does everyone.

No.

We all knows it's real, but you believe in it.

And you just love it, pure and simple.

You know, I've never loved something like that.

That's not true.

Maybe Fillory can fix him.

'Cause he's really not okay, and he just doesn't care.

It's okay.

We're gonna do whatever we can.

I promise.

[soft music]