[ Planet ]
Clara: There's no way out of this. We're going to die here.
The Doctor: Pass me the vibro-cutters.
Clara: They're in my pocket.
The Doctor: Come on then, pass them to me.
Clara: In my other jacket. At home.
The Doctor: Why have you got two jackets? Is one of them faulty?
Clara: Look, I don't have the vibro-cutters. If I had the vibro-cutters, I wouldn't be able to pass you the vibro-cutters. We're going to starve to death out here.
The Doctor: Of course we won't starve. The sand piranhas will get us long before that.
[ Pub ]
Clara: Hiya. Sorry I'm late.
Danny: You're not, but you are brown; you're very brown. You weren't that brown this morning.
Clara: Sunbed. I'll get 'em in. Usual?
[ Clara's place ]
The Doctor: Fish people.
Clara: What are they like?
The Doctor: Fish. And people. Come and see.
[ Taxi ]
Clara: How's you?
Danny: Evening. Nice frock. It's a bit wet.
Clara: Freak shower.
Danny: Is that seaweed?
Clara: I said freak.
[ Corridor ]
Clara: How much further?
The Doctor: TARDIS has got to be round this corner. I hate soldiers. Don't you hate soldiers?
Clara: Yeah.
The Doctor: Just keep running!
[ Clara's place ]
Clara: Oh, yeah. Danny. Hiya.
Danny: Morning. Ready to run?
[ OUT OF BREATH ]
[ Clara's bedroom ]
Clara: I can't keep doing this. I can't do it. Yes, I can, I can do it, of course I can do it. I've got it all under control.
[ TARDIS ]
Clara: So, where we off to?
The Doctor: Clara, you, you look lovely today. Have you had a wash?
Clara: Why are you being nice?
The Doctor: Because it works on you. Listen, I'm sorry but there's going to be no trip today. I'm sorry. Er, I've got to do a thing. It might take a while.
Clara: What thing?
The Doctor: Just a thing.
Clara: You're being mysterious, and do you know what means?
The Doctor: I'm a man of mystery.
Clara: Hmm. It means that you are a very clever man making the mistake, common to very clever people, of assuming that everybody else is stupid. Where are you going?
The Doctor: Undercover. Deep cover.
Clara: Can you do deep cover?
The Doctor: What do you mean?
Clara: Have you seen you?
The Doctor: Of course I can do deep cover!
Clara (giggles): Where, the Magic Circle?
The Doctor: I'll see you when I see you.
Clara: When's that?
The Doctor: When I see you.
Clara: Hmm. Hmm. I'll be sure to have a wash.
The Doctor: Excellent. I was meaning to bring it up.
[ School playground ]
Teacher: You lot! Not here. Over there.
Courtney: Morning, Mister Pink.
Danny: Morning, Courtney. And good morning, Miss Oswald.
Clara: Morning, Mister Pink.
[ PUPILS GIGGLE ]
[ School corridor ]
Clara: Do they know?
Danny: Possibly - they're children. It's like they've got minds of their own. Are you OK?
Clara: Yeah, course I'm OK. Why wouldn't I be OK?
Danny: I dunno. Every time I see you, it's like you're...
Clara: What?
Danny: In a rush. In a state. In a space helmet, one time.
Clara: Sorry. Er, I've had a... thing and, er, the thing's gone, so I'm all yours.
Danny: What thing? What's gone?
Clara: Nothing.
Danny: It's like you're trying to be mysterious. I'm not stupid, you know.
Clara: The next few days are all about you. I promise.
[ PUPILS GIGGLE ]
[ Staffroom ]
Armitage: Which means, Jo, you'll have to cover for 8/4M in L3. Hold on, there is just one more thing. Atif's off sick, so we've got a newbie, I did ask him to come along.
[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]
Armitage: Ah, here he is.
The Doctor: I'm the new caretaker. John Smith.
Danny: Welcome to Coal Hill, Mister Smith.
The Doctor: Thanks. Yes, John Smith's the name. But, you know, here's a thing. Most people just call me the Doctor.
The Doctor: So, if anybody needs me, just, you know, give me a shout. I'll be in the storeroom just getting the lie of the land.
The Doctor: Yes, no body's taking any notice at all. Absolutely good news because it means I must be coming across just as an absolutely boring human being like you.
The Doctor: Deep cover. Deep cover.
[ School corridor ]
Danny: Do you know him?
Clara: Know who?
Danny: The caretaker, Smith. The Doctor.
Clara: Never seen him before in my life.
Danny: Bit intense looking. Did you see those eyebrows? Did he wink at you?
Clara: No, I think that was just a sort of general wink, you know? He winked at everybody. It was a general welcoming wink. Ah, I have, er, left some marking. Assembly. Chop-chop. Off you pop. Catch you in a bit. Excuse me.
[ Staffroom ]
The Doctor: So, you recognised me, then.
Clara: You're wearing a different coat.
The Doctor: But you saw straight through that.
Clara: Deep cover in my school? Why? Where's Atif, what have you done with him?
The Doctor: He's fine. Hypnotised. He thinks he's got the 'flu. Also a flying car and three wives. It's going to be a rude awakening.
Clara: Is it aliens? Oh, my God, is that why you're here? Are there aliens?
The Doctor: It's assembly. You'd better get going. Go and worship something.
Clara: Are there aliens in this school?
The Doctor: Listen, it's lovely talking to you, but I've really got to get on. I'm a caretaker now. Look, I've got a brush.
Clara: Doctor, is there an alien in this school?
The Doctor: Yes, me. Now, go. The walls need sponging and there's a sinister puddle.
Clara: You can't do this. You cannot pass yourself off as a real person among actual people.
The Doctor: I lived among otters once for a month. Well, I sulked. River and I, we had this big fight
Clara: Human beings are not otters!
The Doctor: Exactly. It'll be even easier.
Clara: OK. One question. And you will answer this question. Are the kids safe?
The Doctor: No. Nobody is safe. But soon the answer will be yes, everybody is safe, if you let me get on. Now, pretend you don't know me. Stay out of my way. The less you know, the better. I'll explain it all later. Go and sing with the otters.
Clara: I hate you.
The Doctor: That's fine. That's a perfectly normal reaction.
[ Street ]
Noah: Basically, you've to get that guy on the block and stop that other one sh**ting him. It's so sick.
Yashe: I, I got that guy. That was, like, six months ago. You actually have to do is flick it that way.
Noah: Nah, but I'm saying
Matthew: You Coal Hill kids?
Noah: Yeah? So what if we are?
Matthew: Then get to Coal Hill.
Yashe: We've got a free period, mate.
Matthew: You want me to take your names?
Yashe: Come on. This is unfair, mate.
[ RATTLING ]
Matthew: Always come in threes. Oi! I know you're in there.
[ Building ]
Matthew: Hello? I'm a police officer. There's no point hiding. Do you hear me? Come on, kiddo.
Blitzer: Five stop intruder. Five stop intruder.
Matthew: Turn your game off. It's time for school. Come on. Stop messing about!
Blitzer: Problem, solution: destroy!
[ HE SCREAMS ]
[ Classroom ]
Kelvin: Though unheard by Lydia, was caught by Elizabeth, and as it assured her that Darcy was...
Kelvin: You all right, Miss Oswald?
Clara: Yes, Kelvin, I'm fine. You carry on.
Kelvin: Every feeling of displeasure against the former was so sharpened
Clara: Can I help you, Mister Smith?
The Doctor: Wrong.
Clara: I'm sorry?
The Doctor: On the board. Wrong. Wrong.
Clara: Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't do this. You are the caretaker, this is not what you do.
The Doctor: Just taking care.
Clara: Not your area!
The Doctor: Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice in 1796.
[ SHE CLEARS THROAT ]
Clara: This is Mister Smith, the temporary caretaker, and he's a bit confused.
The Doctor: Not in 1797, because she didn't have the time. She was so busy doing all
Clara: Oh, What? I suppose she was your bezzie mate, was she? And you went on holidays together and then you got kidnapped by Boggons from space and then you all formed a band and met Buddy Holly.
The Doctor: No, I read the book. There's a bio at the back.
[ PUPILS GIGGLE ]
Clara: Get down.
The Doctor: Boggons?
Clara: Go.
[ BELL RINGS ]
Clara: Right, that's it. Well done, Kelvin. Get going. See you all in a couple of days. Thanks very much.
Kelvin: Miss, what about our homework?
Clara: Who asks for homework? Amateur.
[ School corridor ]
Tobias: Miss Oswald
Clara: Hello, Tobias, can't really stop.
Tobias: I'm in the football team against Durrants on Thursday. Sorry, but can I go early from English Thursday afternoon?
Clara: Tobias, you can do whatever you want.
Armitage: Ah, Clara, can I grab a quick word?
Clara: Actually, I, er yes.
Armitage: Two weeks Saturday, the fete, can I put you down for tombola and the raffle? James H can't cover it now. His wife's going into hospital. Hip replacement. Constant agony. CLARA: Great. No, awful. That's terrible. Awful. I hope she'll be OK. Er, I'll do anything. Anything. OK, bye.
[ Courtyard ]
Courtney: Miss Oswald, Katie Sharps says I pulled her hair in Biology.
Clara: Courtney, you are big enough to look after yourself. Next class, jog on, I need to talk to Mister Pink.
Courtney: Ozzie loves the Squaddie.
Clara: What was that?
Courtney: Nothing.
Adrian: Of course, Danny Pink here is your man, Mister Smith. Five years' m*llitary experience, sergeant, here and Afghan, so electrics, boilers, if you need a hand, give him a shout.
Danny: I, I've helped Atif with a couple of things.
The Doctor: I'm sure I won't need you, Sergeant. Fully qualified. You best get back to your PE class.
Danny: Oh, I teach maths.
The Doctor: Do you? What, in emergencies?
Danny: No. I'm a maths teacher.
Adrian: Yeah, he's a maths teacher
[ GLASS SMASHES ]
Adrian: Mohammed, put that down!
The Doctor: How does that work? What if the kids have questions?
Danny: About what?
The Doctor: Maths.
Danny: I answer them. I'm a maths teacher.
The Doctor: But he said you were a soldier.
Danny: Yeah. I was a soldier, now I'm a maths teacher.
The Doctor: But what about all the PE?
Danny: I don't teach PE. I'm not a PE teacher.
The Doctor: Sorry, that seems very unlikely.
Clara: Er, excuse me. Mister Pink, I think class 9M4 are waiting.
The Doctor: Yes, you better run along, Sergeant. That ball isn't going to kick itself, is it?
Danny: I-I'm not a PE teacher, I'm a maths teacher.
The Doctor: Nope, sorry. No, I can't retain that. I've tried. It's just not going in.
Clara: So, Pink? The name remind you of anything?
The Doctor: Yeah. The colour.
Clara: Colonel Orson Pink? The guy we met at the end of the universe.
The Doctor: Oh, yeah. OK, yeah. Same name, doesn't look anything like him though.
Clara: Looks very like him.
The Doctor: Does he? I don't know. Who remembers a PE teacher?
Clara: Oh, never mind. What are you doing? What, what's in there?
The Doctor: So, is he here then?
Clara: Is who here?
The Doctor: The one that you keep going on serious dates with.
Clara: If he is, are you going to start talking like a normal human being?
The Doctor: I promise I won't. I'm being nice.
Clara: Doctor
Adrian: Clara. Got this period free, yes?
Clara: No. Yes.
Adrian: Great. Shakespeare.
Clara: Sorry, what, Adrian?
The Doctor: Oh, I see.
Clara: You see what?
The Doctor: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Adrian: Excuse me. We have to talk about The Tempest.
[ School corridor ]
Adrian: In light of the changes to the sixth form Shakespeare module, blah-de-blah.
Clara: Yes, sorry, of course.
The Doctor: Yes, yes, no, of course, of course, yes. Don't mind this old man. You two kids just pop off together.
Clara: Why are you talking like an idiot?
The Doctor: I'm a caretaker. Don't mind me.
Adrian: What we have to get across, I feel, is that fascinating enigma of its not-finishedness.
Clara: Mmm, yes, good point, Ade.
The Doctor: Oh, Clara.
The Doctor: What does that mean? Kids. What's the matter with kids today?
[ School playground ]
Boy (O.C.): sh**t! Yes!
Clara: Hey, I said you could play chess, I did not say you could play football on the chessboard. Jack, Morgan, come on, help me out, clear it up.
[ Outside storeroom ]
The Doctor: And one for luck.
[ Storeroom ]
The Doctor: OK. Now we're in business. Let's see the lie of the land. Time to see what's going on.
Courtney: Hello? Oi. What are you doing? Are you in there?
The Doctor (O.C.): Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the most dangerous of them all?
Courtney: There's been a spillage in Geography, I need some paper towels.
The Doctor: Can't you read?
Courtney: Course I can read. Read what?
The Doctor: The door. It says, Keep Out.
Courtney: No, it says, Go Away Humans.
The Doctor: Oh, so it does. Never lose your temper in the middle of a door sign.
Courtney: What was you doing in there? What's that box?
The Doctor: The caretaker's box. Every caretaker has their own box.
Courtney: It says Police.
The Doctor: Exactly, there's a policeman in there, in case of emergencies and children. Towels, there, g-g-go.
Courtney: What was that green glow? There was a green glow coming from in there. What was it?
The Doctor: Of course there was. What's a policeman without a death ray?
[ BELL RINGS ]
The Doctor: Oh, listen, there's the bell. Off you go. Haven't you got shoplifting to go to?
Courtney: I'm going to tell the Headmaster.
The Doctor: Oh, yes, fine. Well, cut along, you're running out of time.
Courtney: For what?
The Doctor: Everything. Human beings have incredibly short life spans. Frankly, you should all be in a permanent state of panic. Tick tock, tick tock.
Courtney: You're weird.
The Doctor: Yes, I am. What about you?
Courtney: I'm a disruptive influence.
The Doctor: Good to meet you.
Courtney: And you.
The Doctor: Now get lost.
Courtney: OK.
Courtney: Hello, miss. Love to the Squaddie.
Clara: Sorry, what did you say? What was she doing in here?
The Doctor: Paper towels. Now, I imagine you have many questions. Fire away. I won't answer any of them.
Clara: What were they like?
The Doctor: What were who like?
Clara: The others before me. Did they let you get away with this kind of thing? This school is in danger.
The Doctor: Well, it's lucky I'm here, then.
Clara: From you.
The Doctor: Me?
Clara: You wouldn't be here if there wasn't an alien thr*at nearby. Your strategy for dealing with it involves endangering this school.
The Doctor: You don't know that.
Clara: I don't know anything because you haven't told me anything, which means I wouldn't approve, which means you are endangering this school.
Clara: What's that?
The Doctor: It's a scanner. I'm scanning. Why do I keep you around?
Clara: Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own. Scanning for what?
The Doctor: Any alien technology in this vicinity should show up. I used to have a teacher exactly like you once.
Clara: You still do. Pay attention.
Clara: What the hell is it?
The Doctor: A Skovox Blitzer. One of the deadliest k*lling machines ever created. Probably homed in here because of artron emissions. You've had enough of them in this area over the years. There's enough expl*sive in its armoury to take out the whole planet.
Clara: Then leave it alone.
The Doctor: Sooner or later it will creep from its hidey-hole and some m*llitary idiot will try to att*ck it.
The Doctor: The world is full of PE teachers.
[ TARDIS ]
Clara: So, your insanely dangerous plan is?
Clara: A new watch. Tiny bit disappointed.
The Doctor: This is a very special watch.
Clara: Doctor? Oi! Ow! Did you just flick my nose? You're invisible. Ha, ha! Oh, my God, that's incredible.
The Doctor (O.C.): Correct. I am invisible and I am incredible. It's simply a matter of reversing light waves. Hang on, I'm coming back.
Clara: All right, where are you?
The Doctor: So, I give the Blitzer a tiny whiff of non-threatening alien tech, I lead it back here, but I don't want it to scan me, hence invisible.
Clara: So you're, you're leading the thing here? To a school? My, my school?
The Doctor: My school? Oh, that is telling. This is the only suitably empty place in the area. I've set up a circle of time mines around the school. Chronodyne generators. Bit unstable.
The Doctor: I switch them on, the Blitzer gets sucked into a big old time vortex, billions of years into the future. It's dead easy. Tiny bit boring. I'll need a book and a sandwich.
Clara: And me. You're not doing this alone.
The Doctor: I don't need you this time. I'll see you tomorrow. We'll go somewhere nice. Ancient Egypt. Crocodilopolis. They worship a big crocodile there, so the name is a useful coincidence. Go and canoodle with your boyfriend. Come on. I wasn't born yesterday. Far from it.
Clara: You did recognise him.
The Doctor: Possibly reminded me of a certain dashing young time traveller.
Clara: Oh, of course you recognised him. I. Sorry. Stupid. I, I underestimated you.
The Doctor: It's easily done. There's a lot to estimate.
Clara: And you, you like him?
The Doctor: Yes, I like him very, very much. Go home and canoodle. Doctor's orders. Come on.
Clara: Just this once, I'm doing what I'm told.
The Doctor: Oh, sing hosanna.
Clara: [ SIGHS WITH RELIEF ] So easy.
[ School playground ]
Danny: Miss Oswald.
Clara: Ah, Mister, Mister Pink.
Danny: Are you still on for tonight? Cos you had your I'm about to cancel frown on.
Clara: There's a specific frown?
Danny: And I was going to say, it's OK, I might have a thing, so .
Clara: A thing?
Danny: Er, tomorrow instead?
Clara: Tomorrow's parents' evening.
Danny: Not all evening.
Clara: No. Not all evening.
Danny: What do you think of him?
Clara: Er, who? The caretaker?
Danny: Where did he come from? What was he before? He doesn't seem like a caretaker.
Clara: Well, he speaks very highly of you.
Danny: Anyway. Good night, Miss Oswald.
Clara: Good night, Mister Pink.
[ School ]
The Doctor: And we're off.
[ Building ]
The Doctor: Home, sweet home.
[ Storeroom ]
Clara: Canoodling cancelled, if you need a hand. Doctor? You invisible? I am so going to confiscate that watch.
[ Building ]
The Doctor (O.C.): Where are you, my sleeping beauty?
The Doctor (O.C.): Gotcha. Let's dance!
[ Outside storeroom ]
Clara: Doctor? Where are you?
Danny: Hello?
[ Alley ]
Blitzer: Nine stop query rescan. Target reacquired success success.
[ School ]
The Doctor (O.C.): Come on, come on, come on.
The Doctor (O.C.): Gangway! Not far now. Come on.
Blitzer: Nine stop parsing data pursue.
The Doctor (O.C.): Bingo.
Blitzer: Target reacquired.
Danny: Hello?
[ School hall ]
The Doctor: What? Red? Red. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Blitzer: Range one point four nine scan complete problem problem.
The Doctor: Listen. I'm unarmed. I'm peaceful. Don't you understand? I, I know that you shouldn't be on this planet but I can help you with that. I...
Blitzer: Problem, solution: destroy!
Danny: I want a word with you.
The Doctor: Get back!
Blitzer: Problem, solution: destroy!
Danny: No! Get away from me!
Blitzer: Temporal disrupt. Warning warning. Temporal failure.
Clara: No! No, no, no, no! Doctor, stop! Doctor!
Blitzer: Warning system failure. Abort. Abort.
The Doctor: Oh, oh, well done, PE, brilliant work. What's this? A chronodyne generator? I'll just deactivate that, shall I? I've got a swimming certificate so that qualifies me to meddle with higher technology. Never mind that some people are actually trying to save the planet. Oh, no. There's only room in my head for cross-country and the offside rule.
Clara: Danny, what are you doing here?
Danny: I was checking up on him. He's been up to something, fiddling with the electric, but what the? No. What? Did you see that thing? Tell me you saw that thing.
Clara: I saw the thing, yeah. Doctor, are we safe? Is the planet safe? It's gone?
The Doctor: Yes, yes, yes, yes, for the moment. But the thing is, you see, the chronodyne generators have to be precisely aligned to generate the vortex. But the sergeant here, he went and moved one.
Clara: But the chronodyne worked. It's gone.
The Doctor: But not far enough. The vortex will open here again, but not in a billion years.
Clara: Then when?
The Doctor: Er, 74 hours. Three days? Three days to think of something new because now it knows what to expect. Now it has scanned me and it will k*ll me on sight, thanks to PE here.
Danny: Clara, why are you talking to him like that? Why are you using words like chronodyne? Was that thing a space thing? Oh. Oh, my God, you're from space. You're a spacewoman. You said you were from Blackpool.
Clara: It's a play! For the summer fete.
The Doctor: It's a what?
Clara: Yes, it's a play. Shut up, it is a play. We are rehearsing a play. Shh, shh, shh, shh. A surprise play. And, er, you see, the vortex thing is, is a lighting effect. Very clever. And that thing is, is one of the kids. In fancy dress. Really, really good fancy dress.
Danny: How stupid do you think I am?
The Doctor: I'm willing to put a number on it.
Danny: I'm not a moron, Clara. And he's not the caretaker. He's your dad. Your space dad.
The Doctor: Oh, genius. That is, that is really, really brilliant reasoning. How can you think that I'm her dad when we both look exactly the same age?
Clara: We do not look the same age.
The Doctor: I was being kind. Right, I'm going to hypnotise him. I'm going to erase his memory.
Clara: Doctor, stop!
The Doctor: Tiny little brain, only take a moment.
Clara: He's my boyfriend.
The Doctor: Well, I'll try not to erase the whole thing. I'll leave the bits that.
Clara: He's my boyfriend. I thought you'd figured this out.
The Doctor: Him?
Clara: Yes, him.
The Doctor: No, he's not.
Clara: Yes, he is.
Danny: Yes, I am.
The Doctor: But he's a PE teacher. You wouldn't go out with a PE teacher. It's a mistake. You've made a boyfriend error.
Danny: I am not a PE teacher. I am a maths teacher.
The Doctor: You're a soldier. Why would you go out with a soldier? Why not get a dog or a big plant?
Clara: Because I love him!
The Doctor: Why would you say that? Is this part of the surprise play?
Clara: (sighs) There is no surprise play.
The Doctor: Oh, it's a roller coaster with you tonight, isn't it? What about the handsome one, the one with the bow tie?
Clara: Who? Adrian? No, no, no. He's just a friend and not my type.
Danny: Clara, are you going to explain any of this? Who is this guy?
Clara: The Doctor is
The Doctor: Go on.
Danny: Yes, explain. Who is he? Why have you never mentioned him?
Clara: Because he's an alien.
Danny: Er, are you an alien?
Clara: No, no, no, I'm still from Blackpool. Me and the Doctor, we travel through time and space.
The Doctor: Exhibit A.
Clara: It's called a TARDIS, but it's disguised as an old police phone box.
The Doctor: It's bigger on the inside.
Clara: And it's bigger on the inside than the outside.
The Doctor: Voila.
Clara: And we travel the universe in it.
Danny: And what about that thing? Did you bring that here?
The Doctor: No. I'm going to protect you from that thing.
Danny: You said it was coming back.
The Doctor: Yes, it is coming back, thanks to you.
Danny: This is a school. We have to evacuate, call the Army.
The Doctor: And that is the most dangerous thing right there.
The Doctor: Are you sure hypnotising's not on the menu?
Clara: Yes.
Danny: But we need to get help. This is an emergency.
The Doctor: Look, take him away. Shut him up, shut him down. Up or down, it doesn't matter to me. I've got a lot of work to do. Again.
Clara: Will you be OK?
The Doctor: Why wouldn't I be OK? I was fine till you two blundered in.
Danny: Am I just being ignored?
Clara: Come on, Danny. It's all right, it's. Come on, it's all fine. You'll be OK. Let's er, get those legs moving. That's it, down those stairs. Yep, that's it. This can all be explained and everything will be fine.
The Doctor: And when this is all over, you can finish the job.
Clara: How do you mean?
The Doctor: Well, you've explained me to him. You haven't explained him to me.
[ Danny's place ]
Clara: What do you think? Say something.
Danny: So, there's an alien, that used to look like Adrian. Then he turned into a Scottish caretaker and every now and then, when I'm not looking, you elope with him.
Clara: I don't elope.
Danny: Do you love him?
Clara: No.
Danny: Really had enough of the lies.
Clara: Not in that way.
Danny: What other way is there?
Clara: You know what I mean.
Danny: I don't know what you mean. I know what you tell me, which isn't always the truth.
Clara: Danny
Danny: Why do you do it? Why do you fly off in the box with him? The truth. Please, just this once.
Clara: Because it's amazing. Because I see wonders.
Danny: OK.
Clara: What are you thinking?
Danny: That's a good question. It's funny, you only really know what someone thinks of you when you know what lies they've told you. I mean, you say you've seen wonders, you've seen amazing things, and you kept them secret from me. So what do you think of me, Clara?
Clara: Please, tell me how I fix this.
Danny: I just want to know who you are.
Clara: You know who I am.
Danny: When you're with him. When you're with the Doctor.
[ Outside storeroom ]
Clara: OK, I think we've just got time before parents' evening.
Danny: An invisibility watch? Not even a ring.
Clara: Press the button on the side, you're invisible. You'll see me with the Doctor, the other me. The exactly the same other me. OK?
[ TARDIS ]
The Doctor: Afternoon. Thanks for keeping out of my way. You haven't brought Dave with you, I hope.
Clara: His name's Danny. And no, I haven't. I've er, I explained it all to him. He gets it. He took it really well.
The Doctor: Pass me that synestic.
Clara: So, when the Blitzer comes back, are you going to catch him with that?
The Doctor: It'll be a long, fiddly job. It's going to take me at least twenty four hours. Even longer if people keep talking to me, so do keep going.
Clara: If it comes back Thursday night, are you sure about that? Cos you said the chronodyne is unstable.
The Doctor: If you want bother someone, go and bother PE.
Clara: He's a maths teacher.
The Doctor: That's a shame, I like maths.
Clara: Not a soldier.
The Doctor: Interesting.
Clara: What is?
The Doctor: I'm bored. Let's go somewhere fun. What do you say? Do you want to see the Thames frozen over? Oh, those frost fairs.
Clara: But you can't. The Skovox thing.
The Doctor: It's a time machine. We can get back straightaway, like we always do on your dates. Just make sure you don't get yourself a tan or anything, or lose a limb.
Clara: I don't think we should, not this time.
The Doctor: You've never said no before. Not even in the middle of dinner. Remember when you had to eat two meals in a row?
Clara: I just think, with the school in danger
Clara: Danny, why are you?
Danny: He already knows I'm here. That's why he's talking like that. He's being clever.
The Doctor: Now you mention it, being a Time Lord, I can feel a light shield aura when it's right next to me.
Danny: Oh ho, ho. Time Lord? Might have known.
The Doctor: Might have known what?
Danny: Well, the accent's good, but you can always spot the aristocracy. It's in the, the attitude.
Clara: Danny.
Danny: Now, Time Lords, do you salute those?
The Doctor: Definitely not.
Danny: Ah. Sir!
The Doctor: And you do not call me sir.
Danny: As you wish, sir. Absolutely, sir.
The Doctor: And you can get out of my TARDIS!
Danny: Immediately, sir.
Clara: Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair.
Danny: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.
The Doctor: I am not an officer!
Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.
The Doctor: Out. Now.
Danny: Right away, sir. Straight now?
The Doctor: Yes.
Danny: Am I dismissed?
The Doctor: Yes, you are!
Danny: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.
The Doctor: On balance, I think that went quite well.
[ Storeroom ]
Clara: Danny, it's not time to go home yet. It's parents' evening.
The Doctor: Humans. I never learn.
Courtney: What's in the box? It's not really a policeman, is it?
The Doctor: You want to know what's in that box? I'll tell you what's in that box. It's a time machine. It also travels in space. And it usually contains a man who just wants to get on with his work of preventing the end of the world, but keeps being interrupted by boring little humans.
Courtney: Cool. So, that's really a spaceship?
The Doctor: I'm serious. I'm trying to save this planet.
Courtney: End of the world for me tonight, whatever you do. Parents' evening.
The Doctor: Is your name really Disruptive Influence?
Courtney: Courtney Woods. Can I go in space?
The Doctor: I'll let you know. I may have a vacancy. But not right now.
The Doctor: Two days. I can do it.
[ Gym ]
Armitage: Right, are we quorate? Time to admit the hordes. And look who's at the front of the queue.
Adrian: Who are they?
Clara: Courtney Woods' mum and dad.
Adrian: Can someone else do them first?
Danny: No problem, Ade. I can cope with anything tonight.
Armitage: Oh, happy days.
[ TARDIS ]
The Doctor: No, no, no. No! No, no, no, no, no!
[ Gym ]
Danny: I would say yes, I'm afraid Courtney is a disruptive influence.
Mr. Woods: Yeah, but last year you said she was a very disruptive influence.
Mrs. Woods: So, I suppose that counts as an improvement.
[ HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY ]
Danny: Excuse me, I think the caretaker wants me.
Clara: Sorry, Mrs Christodolou, I think er, I think the caretaker wants me too.
Mrs. Christopholou: But what about my Angelina?
Clara: Yeah, she's great, yeah, a really great girl, A plus, ten out of ten, top of the class. Sorry. Although, actually, handwriting could be better.
Armitage: I'm sure they'll be back in a moment.
Mrs. Woods: Looks like our Courtney was right about those two.
[ School playground ]
Clara: What's happening?
The Doctor: Clara, the vortex is opening.
Danny: You said Thursday night. Right, hall, quick.
The Doctor: PE, shut up. Clara, it'll scan the area. If it gets to parents' evening, it'll k*ll them all.
Danny: We've got to evacuate.
The Doctor: Shut up!
Clara: Quickly. What do I do?
The Doctor: It'll be here any second. Get to the hall.
The Doctor: Give it some squirts of helicon energy, setting number forty one. No more than three seconds each, random pulses. Distract it, then you lead it away from the hall, give me two minutes.
Clara: Then what?
The Doctor: Just run straight to the TARDIS.
Danny: But your gadget isn't ready yet. Twenty four hours, you said.
The Doctor: Yes, well, I've revised that down to two minutes. Probably. Clara, go.
Clara: On my way.
Danny: You're using her like a decoy?
The Doctor: No, not like a decoy. As a decoy. Don't they teach you anything at stupid school?
Danny: Well, is there anything I can do?
The Doctor: Yes. Yes, and this is very, very important. Leave us alone!
[ School hall ]
Blitzer: Disrupt temporal lock. Disengaged scan.
Clara: Here we go.
Blitzer: Incoming-stop-identified-HELICON-HELICON-commence-retargeting.
[ Corridor ]
Blitzer (O.C.): Target acquired. Destroy.
[ School playground ]
Blitzer: Target within range.
Blitzer: Problem, solution: destroy!
[ Storeroom ]
Blitzer: Destroy. Destroy.
Clara: Doctor, now! It's got to be now!
The Doctor: Twenty seconds.
Blitzer: Destroy! Destroy!
Clara: Doctor!
The Doctor: Am I green? Am I green?
Clara: You're green!
The Doctor: Stop! Skovox Blitzer!
Blitzer: Awaiting orders.
The Doctor: Skovox-Artificer. Analyse-stop-analyse-stop.
Blitzer: Superior-recognised-pattern-110-orders-orders.
Clara: Why's it listening to you?
The Doctor: Listening to its superior. This is a rough copy. It thinks I'm its general. Initiate input. Commence shutdown protocol. No conflict. Conclusion?
Blitzer: Problem solution.
The Doctor: Conclusion.
Blitzer: Final-input-code-missing. Emergency-terminate. Initiate-self-destruct- in...nine...eight...
The Doctor: The input code. I forgot the final input code.
Skovox Blitzer: ..seven-six-five...
Clara: Do it now!
The Doctor: I need time. Distract it, Clara!
Clara: Me? What can I do?
Blitzer: Three two one.
Danny (O.C.): Oi, Skovox. Over here.
Blitzer: Under att*ck.
The Doctor: Artificer-Artificer-stop-confirm- stop-override-final-input-code.
Blitzer: Code-accepted. Abort-self-destruct. Orders-accepted-stop-stop-stop.
Clara: Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you were amazing! Oh, my God, you were so brilliant.
Danny: Well, yeah, I was OK, wasn't I? I was behind you every step of the way. Had to make sure you were safe. You OK?
The Doctor: OK.
Clara: Just OK?
Danny: It's all right, it doesn't matter. I don't need him to like me. It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me, I just need to do exactly one thing for you. Doctor, am I right?
The Doctor: Yes.
Clara: What? What one thing?
Danny: I need to be good enough for you. That's why he's angry. Just in case I'm not.
Clara: He, er, he did just save the whole world.
The Doctor: Yeah, yeah. Good start.
[ Space ]
The Doctor (O.C.): Farewell, Skovox Blitzer. Have a nice w*r. So, Courtney Woods, impressed yet?
[ TARDIS ]
Courtney: Actually, I'm feeling a bit ill.
The Doctor: Ah, it can be a bit overwhelming. But look. The Olveron Cluster. A million stars, a hundred million inhabited planets.
The Doctor: Ah, yes. There has been a spillage.
[ Danny's place ]
Clara: So, what do you think of him now?
Danny: Of the Doctor?
Clara: Yeah. See, he's all right, isn't he, really, underneath it all.
Clara: OK. Tell me what you're thinking.
Danny: I know men like him. I've served under them. They push you and make you stronger, till you're doing things you never thought you could. I saw you tonight. You did exactly what he told you. You weren't even scared. And you should have been.
Clara: I trust him. He's never let me down.
Danny: Fine. If he ever pushes you too far, I want you to tell me, because I know what that's like. You'll tell me if that happens, yeah?
Clara: Yeah, it's a deal.
Danny: No. It's a promise.
Clara: OK. I promise.
Danny: And if you break that promise, Clara, we're finished.
Clara: Don't say that.
Danny: I'm saying it because if you don't tell me the truth, I can't help you. And I could never stand not being able to help you. We clear?
Clara: Yes. We're clear.
[ Corridor ]
Matthew: It was mad. It was like in a film or on the telly like, with science fiction g*ns.
Seb: Skovox Blitzer, sounds like. We've had a few in from that. Wouldn't feel too bad.
Matthew: If I hadn't. If I hadn't. Hang on. That doesn't make sense.
Seb: Makes perfect sense to me.
Matthew: How did I escape? I, I don't remember how I got away.
Seb: Well, I was coming to that. I'm afraid you really rather didn't.
Matthew: Then how did I get here?
Seb: Well. Big question.
Matthew: Where am I?
Seb: What name would you like? There's a range. The afterlife. The Promised Land. I'm partial to the Nethersphere.
Matthew: My God.
[ APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS ]
Seb: Sorry, she's a bit er, busy today. So, any questions?
Hello, Earth. We have a terrible decision to make.
An innocent life versus the future of all mankind.
Whatever future humanity might have depends on the choice made right here, right now.
Aaaarrgghh!
Decision made.
08x06 - The Caretaker
Moderator: Kitty Midnight
Time and Space traveling adventures of a Gallifreyan Time Lord only known as "the Doctor" and his companions.
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Classic Who Specials
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Classic Who Specials