2014-12-25 - Last Christmas

[ INT. Clara's bedroom ]


Santa (O.C.): Argh! (bells jingle) Moron! Numbskull! Elf!

Ian (O.C.): That's racist!

Santa (O.C.): Of course it's not racist, you are an elf.

[ EXT. Clara's roof ]

Santa: Chimneys?

Ian: I'm sorry!

Santa: I'm just checking that you can see these massive chimneys.

Ian: I, er, they, they're hard to miss.

Santa: Well, as you've clearly demonstrated, Ian.

(reindeer grunt)

Wolf: Donner! Donner and Blitzen. Come on down. Down here, boys.

Wolf: Good boys, good boys. Good boy. Rudolph?

(reindeer brays)

Santa: Just, just clear all the tangerines up. Pick 'em up. All of them, Ian.

Ian: You know no one really likes the tangerines, don't you?

Santa: How dare you! That's my signature gift. That and the walnut.

Wolf: Down here, boys, come on. Come. Rudolph?

Ian: Er, sir? We've been seen.

Santa: Hello.

Clara: Hello.

Wolf: Hello, ha ha!

Ian: Hello, human.

Wolf: You can't call her human.

Ian: It's not racist. They don't mind.

Santa: Hush up, both of you. Oh, sorry about this, girl. We are just three passing, perfectly ordinary roof people, doing some emergency roof things. Carry on. Merry Christmas. If, if it is Christmas, I mean. Heh, heh. I don't much care for things like that, myself. Pfft. I mean, Christmas.

Clara: Are you Santa Claus?

Santa: Me? No! Oh, no! It's ridiculous. Ha-ha. No, no, no, ho-ho-ho!

(sleigh bells jingle)

Wolf: Rudolph! Rudolph! Down here now!

Santa: All right, fine, yes. Yes, it's me. Ha! Guilty. How did you recognise me?

Wolf: You know how you grew that beard as a bit of a disguise? People have picked up on it.

Clara: OK. No. Hang on. Stop. Shut up. What? Seriously, you, you're Father Christmas. You're real.

Santa: Of course I'm real.

Wolf: How could he not be real?

Santa: Huh? How do you think those presents got under the tree every year? By magic?

Clara: Well, I thought it was my mum and...

Ian & Wolf (together): Mum and Dad?

Santa: Ho, ho!

Ian: Well, of course it was.

Wolf: I mean, it makes perfect sense.

Ian: Yeah, your mum and dad, one day a year, for no particular reason, just out of the blue, suddenly decide to give you a great, big pile of presents.

Wolf: No, no, no. Because... "They love you so much!" (he scoffs) It's a lovely story, dear.

Ian: Yeah, but it's time to start living in the real world, yeah?

Santa: OK. Right. Clara Oswald. Mostly favours travel books, science kits, strict ban on hair products. Marginal for the naughty list, '93. (he tuts) Believer until the age of nine. Why did you stop?

Clara: Because you're a fairy tale. I grew out of fairy tales.

(Santa sighs)

Santa: Did you, Clara? Did you really?

(metallic thrumming)

The Doctor: Clara, I want you to step inside the TARDIS. I don't want you to talk, I want you to do as I ask. Please.

Ian: That was good, with the box.

Wolf: Hmph. Not often we get upstaged on a rooftop. Hmm.

The Doctor: Yes, I'm really here. I'm back. Now get inside the TARDIS.

The Doctor: I know what this is. I know what's happening, and I know what's at stake.

Santa: I don't think you do, Doctor. But I promise, before this Christmas Day is done, you will be glad of my help.

The Doctor: Happy Easter.

Wolf: Ooh, brutal!

Ian: Cool exit line, though.

Santa: Be sure to save some room for a tangerine, Doctor.

The Doctor: Nobody likes the tangerines.


Clara: I'm really back here. This is, this is real, yeah?

Clara: Doctor? Talk to me. I never thought I was going to see you again. What is going on out there? What's happening?

(metallic thrumming)

Clara: Oh, that noise. Never knew how much I loved it.

The Doctor: There's something you have to ask yourself, and it's important. Your life may depend on it. Everybody's life. Do you really believe in Santa Claus?

Clara: Do you know what? Yeah. Right now, here, I think I do.

(wind whistles)

[ INT. Corridor ]

Ashley (O.C.): You are now twenty feet from the infirmary. In a moment, as soon as you're ready...

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: We'll disable the security protocols.

Bellows: Your neural link is good and holding. We stand ready to abort and extract at the first sign of an anomaly.

Albert: We're going to be with you...

[ INT. Corridor ]

Albert (O.C.): Every step of the way, Shona.

Ashley (O.C.): We're all depending on you...

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: And we know you won't let us down. Shona, I'm opening the door.


[ INT. Corridor ]

Shona: I need the toilet!

[ INT. Control room ]

Bellows: No, you don't. We're monitoring your bodily functions.

Shona (O.C.): And how are you monitoring that? Cos that's rude!

[ INT. Corridor ]

Shona: That is perverted.

[ INT. Control room ]

Albert: Do you remember my briefing, Shona?

[ INT. Corridor ]

Shona: Yeah. Well, no. I remember some of it.

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: Some of it?

Bellows: How much?

[ INT. Corridor ]

Shona: Till he put his hand on my knee.

[ INT. Control room ]

Shona (O.C.): And then I was just grossing.

Albert: It was intended as a comfort.

Bellows: For whom?

Shona (O.C.): All I could see was his nose, with all the little hairs coming out of it.

[ INT. Corridor ]

Shona: Have you seen those? It's like he's got insects trapped up there, all trying to escape with their wee, wiggly legs.

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: OK. Let's just go through this again.

[ INT. Corridor ]

Ashley (O.C.): There are four sleepers inside the infirmary. You're fine, so long as they don't wake up.

Bellows (O.C.): She's in range.

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: Shona, I'm unsealing the infirmary.

[ INT. Corridor ]

Ashley (O.C.): From now on, everything you think and feel, everything you see, will be available to them.

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: Most of it's fine, like traffic noise when you're sleeping, so long as you don't think about them.

[ INT. Corridor ]

Ashley (O.C.): So long as you don't look at them. So don't think about them...

[ INT. Control room ]


Ashley: Don't look at them.

[ INT. Infirmary ]

Shona: I thought there was going to be music.

Bellows (O.C.): We've got your playlist...

[ INT. Control room ]

Bellows: Ready to go.

Ashley: Focus on the words of the song, try to remember what comes next.

[ INT. Infirmary ]

Ashley (O.C.): That will work like interference.

Bellows (O.C.): Here comes your earworm.

(music): Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: Keep your eyes on the floor.

[ INT. Infirmary ]

Ashley (O.C.): Shut them, where possible.

Slade: Are you hanging up your stockings on the wall?

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: Focus on the music and move forward through the infirmary.

♪ It's the time that every Santa has a ball
♪ Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer? ♪

(shona hums along with song)

♪ Does a ton-up on his sleigh? ♪

(shona's singing over intercom)

Shona: ♪ Do the fairies keep him sober for a day? ♪

Bellows: Oh, dear Lord, she's not actually...

Ashley: If dancing works, it works.

Albert: This is insane.

[ INT. Infirmary ]

Shona: ♪ So here it is, Merry Christmas
♪ Everybody's having fun... ♪

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: This is working.

[ INT. Infirmary ]

Shona: ♪ Look to the future now
♪ It's only just begun
♪ Are you waiting for the family to arrive? ♪

(shona hums guitar parts)

♪ Are you sure you've got the room to spare inside... ♪

Argh! Argh!

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: Shona? Shona, what's wrong?

[ INT. Infirmary ]

Shona: We've, we've got ghosts!

Ashley (O.C.): Ghosts?

Shona: Yeah, yeah. It's a skeleton man and a girl in a nightie.

[ INT. Control room ]

Clara: Doctor?

Shona: No, no, no, you're making me think about them.

[ INT. Infirmary ]

Shona: Don't make me think about them!

Clara: What are they?

Shona: Look. Just don't ask, yeah? And don't look. Don't make me think about them!

(creatures wheeze)

The Doctor: Deaf. Blind. How can they see us? How do they even know that we're here?

Shona: They can only see you, yeah, if you see them. So just, so just don't look, don't even think about them.

The Doctor: Oh, telepathic. They can home in on their own image in someone else's brain. Third-party perception. Mind piracy. We're being hacked.

Clara: What does that even mean?

The Doctor: The visual input from your optic nerve is being streamed to their brains. Stop broadcasting. Close your eyes.

(creepy chirruping)

Clara: They're still coming, aren't they?

The Doctor: It's because you're still thinking about them. So long as you retain them as an active memory, they can still home in. Think about something else.

Clara: How?

Shona: ♪ So here it is, Merry Christmas... ♪

Clara: Why is she singing?

Shona: ♪ Everybody's having... ♪

The Doctor (quietly): She's running interference. She's trying to distract herself. Three hundred and four minus seventeen.

Clara: Sorry, what?

The Doctor: Plus twenty. Just do it!

Clara: Five hundred and seven.

The Doctor: Minus fourteen, times four.

Clara: One thousand nine hundred and seventy two.

The Doctor: Stop being so good at arithmetic.

Clara: I can't help it!

The Doctor: Danny Pink! What is Danny Pink up to right now? He's probably flirting with your neighbour or texting women of low moral character.

(creatures fall silent)

Clara (quietly): Don't you dare. Don't you dare say that.

The Doctor: I was only...

Clara: Danny Pink is dead.

(chirruping resumes)

The Doctor: No, he's not.

Clara: He's dead.

Ashley: Go, run, now, now, now!

The Doctor: Come on, quick, quick, quick, come on!

Albert: Here they come!

The Doctor: No!


(Rudolph whinnies)

Santa: Whoa, whoa! Ah! Good boy.

Santa: Well, now. What seems to be the problem? This is the North Pole. We don't want any trouble here.

(rudolph brays)

Santa: Rudolph?

(car key beep)

Santa: Easy, son. Oi! Sleepy heads! It's Christmas Eve, early to bed.

Ashley: Who the hell are you?

The Doctor: Oh, take a guess. Go on, push the boat out. Tooth Fairy, maybe? Easter Bunny?

Ian: Shut your mouth, wise guy, or you get yours.

Wolf: It's a balloon animal.

Ian: That's a toy gun.

Wolf: Yeah, well, at least it's unsuitable for children under four. Parts small enough to swallow, so watch out.

(Santa sighs)

Shona: This is ridiculous. Am I dreaming?

The Doctor: Oh, very good!

Ashley: I need to know exactly who you are, and what's happening here.

Santa: Hello, Ashley. Lead scientist on a polar expedition. Oh, that microscope really paid off, didn't it? Now, your mum and dad wanted me to get you a toy one, but sometimes, I take a chance.

Ashley: Who are you? Why are you dressed like that?

Santa: Why do you think?

Shona: Come on, this is mental. This is totally not happening.

Santa: I got three words, Shona. Don't make me use 'em.

Shona: What three words?

Santa: My. Little. Pony.

Shona: Shut up, you.

Santa: Yeah? I've got lots more, babe.

Shona: I will mark you, Santa.

Clara: OK, Doctor, are you going to explain? What is going on?

Santa: It's an invasion, Miss Oswald.

Clara: An invasion of, of what, elves?

Wolf: Whoa! That is racist.

Ian: Elfist!

Wolf: Yeah. Which is a bit hypocritical, from someone of your height.

Santa: Huh? You seen them before, Doctor?

The Doctor: I've heard of them.

Santa: The Kantrofarri.

The Doctor: Colloquially known as the Dream Crabs.

Santa: Yeah. Depending on how many of those are already on Earth, the human race may well have seen its last day. So, are we going to stand about arguing about whether I'm real or not, or are we going to get busy saving Christmas?

Ian: Oh, ho, ho! Santa goes badass!

Wolf: He's giving me the feels.

Santa: Shut up. That's a, that's a verbal warning. Please, stop it.

[ INT. Lab ]

Clara: Is it dead?

The Doctor: I don't know. Possibly.

Ashley: I'm assuming extra-terrestrial.

The Doctor: Oh, definitely.

Ashley: Then how can you have heard of these things?

The Doctor: Guess.

Ashley: Because you're extra-terrestrial, too.

The Doctor: Do you believe that?

[ INT. Control room ]

Shona: If you are Santa...

Santa: Mmm hmm.

Shona: What are you doing here?

Santa: It's the North Pole. And I own it.

Ian: He means the actual pole.

Wolf: It goes right through the middle of the workshop.

Ian: I've got a selfie with it.

Wolf: Show her. Look at Ian.

Shona: The North Pole isn't an actual pole.

Ian: Course it is. Look.

Shona: If it was an actual pole, it would not be stripy.

Wolf: It's got to be stripy.

Ian: Otherwise, you couldn't see it moving round.

Wolf: Mmm. It's actually basic physics.

[ INT. Lab ]

Ashley: Why's it called a Dream Crab, for a start?

The Doctor: Theorise.

Ashley: Because it generates a telepathic field.

The Doctor: And?

Ashley: Alters perception.

The Doctor: Meaning?

Ashley: I seem to be doing all the work here.

Clara: Meaning we can't trust anything that we see or hear.

The Doctor: Go to the window.

Ashley: Why?

The Doctor: Because it gets worse.

Ashley: What is that?

The Doctor: That's how Clara and I got here.

Ashley: In a box?

The Doctor: Technically, in a telephone kiosk.

(she laughs)

Ashley: How?

The Doctor: Because it's a spaceship in disguise. You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart?

Ashley: What?

The Doctor: They're both ridiculous.

[ INT. Control room ]

Shona: It's Christmas Eve!

Santa: Yeah. You don't have to tell me that.

Shona: Yeah, well, then why aren't you out delivering presents?

Santa: Technically, I am.

Shona: Well, you're not. You're stood right there.

Santa: Oh, Shona, grow up, love.

Ian: Yeah, do the math, baby.

Santa: There's not just one Santa delivery team. How could there be? There are five hundred and twenty six million four hundred and three thousand and twelve children all expecting presents before tomorrow morning. So, hmm, that's twenty two million children per hour. It's impossible! Obviously, I've got a second sledge.

[ INT. Lab ]

Clara: So we don't know what is real and what isn't?

The Doctor: Exactly.

Clara: Are we in danger?

The Doctor: Oh, we are well way past danger, Clara. If I'm right, and I usually am, we're dying.

Ashley: Then how do we stay alive?

The Doctor: I like you. Straight to the point. I want you to show me how you first encountered those creatures, and what happened to those people in the infirmary. I notice you all wear mini-cams, so I assume that there is footage.

Ashley: Is it possible I'm about to work with someone who might be a dream?

The Doctor: If it helps, so am I.

Ashley: We have footage on the drives. I'll see what I can pull up.

The Doctor: Ashley, what's this polar base for? Why are you all here?

Ashley: It's a long story.

Clara: What you said about Danny. Unacceptable.

The Doctor: I know. I had to flood your mind with random emotion.

Clara: Random?

The Doctor: You never told me he was dead. You said he made it back.

Clara: Well, I lied. I lied, so you'd go home to Gallifrey instead of fussing about me.

The Doctor: I never found Gallifrey. I lied, so you'd stay with Danny.

Clara: So we're dying, then?

The Doctor: Yes.

Clara: Why?

The Doctor: Oh, complicated.

Clara: How long do we have?

The Doctor: No idea.

Clara: Just. Doctor, give me something to do.

The Doctor: Trust nothing. Accept nothing you see. Whatever happens, interrogate everything.

Clara: In case it's a lie.

The Doctor: In case it's a lie.

[ INT. Control room ]

Shona: Reindeer can't fly. They just can't.

Santa: No. No, they can't. It's a scientific impossibility. That is why I feed mine magic carrots.

The Doctor: You all right?

Shona: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to talk sense into er, Beardy-Weirdy.

The Doctor: You don't seem much like a scientist.

Shona: That's a bit rude, coming from a magician.

The Doctor: Why are you out here? What brought you to the North Pole?

Shona: Long story, isn't it?

The Doctor: You missed the killer question.

Shona: Sorry, what?

The Doctor: Beardy-Weirdy.

Santa: Yeah?

The Doctor: How do you get all the presents in the sleigh?

Santa: It's bigger on the inside.

Wolf: Ooh!

Ashley: Doctor?

(slurping and chewing)

Albert: Sorry. Starving.

The Doctor: What am I looking at?

Bellows: Footage from a week ago. A side expedition from our main mission.

The Doctor: What is your main mission?

Bellows: Long story. Ice cave directly beneath this base. Now, look at what we found.

Bellows: Dormant at first.

The Doctor: Until you looked at them too long. Till you thought about them.

Bellows: Exactly.

The Doctor: Sleeping. Probably been down there for centuries.

Clara: And it wakes up when you think about it?

The Doctor: They can detect their own mental picture in any nearby mind.

Ashley: That's Bellows' theory.

Bellows: It's like it responds to the presence of any data concerning itself.

The Doctor: Oh. That was always the legend. You think about a Dream Crab, a Dream Crab is coming for you.

(glass smashes)

Albert: This is where it gets really nasty.

Clara: Only now?

The Doctor: OK, then what?

Albert: They're a bit like Facehuggers, aren't they?

The Doctor: Face huggers?

Albert: You know, Alien. The horror movie, Alien.

The Doctor: There's a horror movie called Alien? That's really offensive. No wonder everyone keeps invading you.

Bellows: First, they just slept. Couple of days, just lying there.

The Doctor: And then they became aggressive.

Ashley: If we got close enough, yeah.

The Doctor: It would take the Dream Crab a little while to take control. Depends how much of the host brain was...

Ashley: Was what?

The Doctor: Digested.

Ashley: Are they still alive under those things?

The Doctor: Depends what you call alive.

Ashley: Are they suffering?

The Doctor: No. No, no. no, no, no. The Dream Crab induces a dream state. Keeps you happy and relaxed, in a perfectly realised dream world, as you dissolve. Merciful, I suppose.

Albert: Compared to what?

The Doctor: Compared to that turkey leg you keep eating. Could you rewind for me? I'd like to see them dormant again. Clara, could you fetch me the dead one?

Clara: Maybe I could fetch you a cup of tea while I'm at it.

The Doctor: Ooh. Yes, and a punch in the face, too.

Clara: My very next suggestion.

The Doctor: Fair enough.

[ INT. Lab ]

(glass crunches underfoot)

Clara: Doctor?


(clara gasps)

[ INT. Control room ]

Ashley: What's wrong?

The Doctor: We're thinking about it. Clara!

[ INT. Lab ]

Clara: One hundred minus forty two is three hundred and fifty eight times three is one thousand seven hundred and seventy four minus thirty two is one hundred and forty two divided by seven is twenty and, and, and a bit. Think about something else. Think about something else. Danny Pink, Danny, Danny. Danny Pink, I love you. And I'll never see you again, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied. I am sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

(she screams)

[ INT. Clara's bedroom ]

(soothing music)

(footsteps approach)

Danny: Ho, ho, ho.

Clara: Who are you?

Danny: What do you mean, who am I? Who do you think I am?

Clara: Danny?

Danny: Merry Christmas. Come on!

Clara: Come on where?

Danny: Downstairs.

Clara: Why?

Danny: Well, you know what day it is.

Clara: What day is it?

Danny: Easter. It's Easter Day. That's why I'm dressed like this, I'm Father Easter.

Clara: Is that a thing?

Danny: No. Because it's Christmas!

Clara: Oh. Well, you've made me want chocolate now.

Danny: Good. Come on. You, out of bed. Downstairs. I have surprises.

Clara: Tickets for the Indian Orient Express. That painting we saw in Paris, and permission to own a cat.

Danny: How did you know?

Clara: Because those are exactly the things I want, and you are too clever ever to be wrong.

Danny: How do you make you clever into me being clever?

Clara: I always protect your ego from the truth.

Danny: Oh, er, thank you for that.

Clara: It's Christmas.

Danny: Hurry up, then!

[ INT. Landing ]

Clara: Danny? Whose blackboard is that?

Danny: What blackboard? Are you coming?

Clara: Yeah, just a moment!

Danny: Clara.

Clara: Coming!

Danny: Clara!

Clara: Yeah. Just a minute.

Doctor (O.C.): (voice echoes) You are dying.

(shouts echo)

Doctor (O.C.): Dying! Dying! (echoes discordantly) (distorted) Clara! Clara! Clara!

(echoing stops)

(soothing music)

Danny: Well, come on then. You don't know what I'm wearing underneath this Santa outfit.

Clara: Your pyjamas. You're too shy to wear less than two layers.

Danny: You could have used your imagination.

Clara: Yeah, I don't really have to.

Doctor (O.C.): Clara!

[ INT. Lab ]

The Doctor: Clara, you're dreaming. You're dying. Can you hear me? Clara?

Ashley: We did try to waken the others. No stimulus worked.

The Doctor: OK, we kill it. We find a way to kill it and we get it off of her. How do we kill it?

Ashley: There's no way to kill it without killing your friend, too. And as a scientist, may I just say, I don't like the way you're talking.

The Doctor: Santa. In the infirmary, you told the Sleepers to go to bed, and they obeyed you.

Santa: Sorry, doesn't mean I can get that creature off her.

The Doctor: No, but you can get back in there unharmed.

Shona: What? You're asking Santa for help? He doesn't exist.

The Doctor: And how would you know that? How did you become an expert on what does and doesn't exist?

Santa: I can commit several million housebreaks in one night dressed in a red suit with jingle bells, so of course I can get back into the infirmary.

The Doctor: Good. Because there is only one way that I can communicate with Clara.

[ INT. Clara's living room ]

(knock at door)

Danny: Your dad?

Clara: Going by the timing, I'd say so.

Danny: Mmm.

Clara: If you let him anywhere near the subject of golf, I will do a thing, and it will not be a good thing.

Danny: Um, aren't we giving him golf clubs?

Clara: And I'm prepared to use them. (she chuckles contentedly) Hmmm.

The Doctor: Hi.

Clara: Hi. Doctor?

The Doctor: It's not real, Clara. You know it's not real. It's a dream, and it's killing you.

Clara: Merry Christmas.

Clara: You remember Danny, of course.

The Doctor: Not as well as you, clearly. You've made him a fraction taller. Merry Christmas, PE.

Danny: Compliments of the season, sir.

The Doctor: Dialogue's pretty good, too. Nice work. It's all in the detail.

Clara: Just stop it.

The Doctor: He's not real, Clara. None of this is real. What's real is there is an alien organism wrapped around your face, keeping you warm and happy while it eats you.

Danny: Mince pie, anyone?

The Doctor: You're dying.

Clara: If this is a dream, how can you be here? How can we both be having the same dream?

The Doctor: There was only one way to get to you.

Clara: And what was that?

The Doctor: I'm dying, too.

[ INT. Lab ]

Ashley: Have we just killed him? Have we just made it worse?

Santa: He thinks he can join the dream, and get her out. Have a little faith.

[ INT. Clara's living room ]

Clara: You just wake up. Just leave me here, please.

The Doctor: You have a pain right here. It's like an ice cream pain, but gentle. Do you know what that is? The skin and bone have been parted, probably half an inch, and something has pushed right into the soft tissue of your brain and is very slowly dissolving it. I want you to picture it this way. Somebody has put a straw right through your skull and is drinking you. You should be screaming with agony, but there's anaesthetic. Everything around you right now, even Danny, especially Danny, that's the anaesthetic.

Danny: Why are you doing this? Why are you saying all of that?

The Doctor: Because it's true. How long do you think you've been here?

Clara: All day.

The Doctor: No. No, no, no. Barely five minutes. Because dream time goes faster. Because this isn't real. Danny isn't real. Danny Pink died saving the world.

Danny: I really didn't.

The Doctor: I'm sorry. I thought there was a way back for him, but I was wrong. I can't change that. He's dead.

Danny: I didn't die saving the world, Doctor, I died saving Clara. The rest of you just got lucky. How long has she got?

The Doctor: Minutes, till it's irreversible.

Danny: Well then, get out the way.

Danny: I'm a dream and you know I am, right? Right, one thing. But it's important. It's a very important thing. That is totally how you guessed all of my presents.

(she laughs)

Clara: I miss you.

Danny: Five minutes.

Clara: What?

Danny: You can miss me for five minutes a day. And you'd better do it properly. You'd better be sad. I expect my five. But all the rest of the time, Clara, all the rest of the time, every single second, you just get the hell on with it. Clear?

Clara: Don't you soldier me.

Danny: Do as you're told.

The Doctor: Brave.

Danny: Dead already. How does she wake up?

The Doctor: I don't know. Just try. Accept this isn't real, and try.

Danny: Do it. For me.

Clara: When I wake up, you won't be there.

Danny: Do you know why people get together at Christmas? Because every time they do, it might be the last time. Every Christmas is last Christmas, and this is ours. This was a bonus. This is extra. But now it's time to wake up.

[ INT. Lab ]

(she retches)

The Doctor: Clara? Clara, look at me, Clara! Clara! Breathe, breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Bellows: So these creatures, when their feeding goes wrong, they die?

The Doctor: The carnivore's hazard. Food has teeth too. You OK?

Clara: No.

The Doctor: Good. There are some things we should never be OK about.

Clara: There doesn't seem to be a wound.

The Doctor: No. And the pain's still there, isn't it?

Shona: Is it the ice cream pain? Just here? Cos I've got that.

Bellows: It's the cold, I think. Some sort of reaction.

The Doctor: But only on one side, just that spot there. Doesn't that strike you as odd?

Albert: Well, we've all got it.

Clara: OK, so why do we all have that pain?

The Doctor: Theorise.

Clara: Don't treat me like a beginner. I was dreaming, then I woke up. I know that.

The Doctor: Do you? And have you ever woken up from a dream and discovered that you're still dreaming? Dreams within dreams. Dream states nested inside each other. All perfectly possible, especially when we are dealing with creatures who have weaponised our dreams against us.

Bellows: I don't know about anybody else, but I'm pretty certain I'm awake right now.

The Doctor: Which is odd, when you think about it.

Ashley: Odd?

The Doctor: Impossible, in fact. How can any of us be awake?

Shona: I don't understand.

The Doctor: Remember how we all first met, in the infirmary?

The Doctor: Come on, quick, quick, come on.

Ashley: Go! Run, now!

The Doctor: All those creatures coming down from the ceiling, attacking us.

Albert: Here they come!


The Doctor: We never stood a chance. How did we survive that?

Shona: Well, we, we were rescued.

The Doctor: Yeah, we were rescued. And who was it that rescued us?

[ INT. Control room ]

Santa: No, no, no, no. I need you to do the east coast right now. Well, otherwise you're going to be delivering to the islands in broad daylight. Yeah, listen. Please try and remember that our mugshots are on every Christmas card. Yeah, just get it done, head towards the northern lights. Yes, I remembered to switch them on.

The Doctor: The Helman-Ziegler test. The only reliable dream test that I know. Ah. Your base manual. I take it none of you have memorised this.

Shona: Oh. I haven't, I haven't read it.

The Doctor: These books should be identical in the real world. But as they don't exist in your memory, in a dream, they can't be. Agreed? Clara. Give me any two digit number.

Clara: Fifty seven.

The Doctor: All right, all of you, turn to page fifty seven and look at the very first word. Right, when I point at you.

Ashley: Isotope.

The Doctor: Well?

Bellows: Extremely.

Albert: Inside.

Shona: Chocolate. Why did I get chocolate? What's that about?

Albert: This can't be right. We must have got it wrong, that's all.

The Doctor: Well, we'll do it again. Clara?

Clara: Twenty four.

The Doctor: Twenty four.

Ashley: We.

Bellows: Are.

Albert: All.

The Doctor: Shona?

Shona: Dead.

Ashley: Since the attack in the infirmary, nothing has been real?

The Doctor: The attack is still going on. This is it!

Albert: We've been dreaming since then?

Santa: Oh, for Easter's sake! Of course you've been dreaming. Haven't you been paying attention?

Ian: Rudolph. Did you see the nose?

Wolf: The North Pole? Come on, with stripes?

Ian: This...

Wolf: Is...

Ian & Wolf & Santa (together): A dream!

Santa: How much more obvious do you want me to make it? Because I can text the Easter Bunny, you know.

The Doctor: Seriously? You're trying to help?

Santa: As you stand here, chatting, chatting, your lives are ending. Unless you wake up, unless you free yourselves from these dreadful creatures, they're, they're going to destroy you.

Shona: You're a dream who's trying to save us?

Santa: Shona, sweetheart, I'm Santa Claus. I think you just defined me.

The Doctor: This makes perfect sense. The Dream Crab tries to make the dream as real as possible to trap you inside it. It creates dreams within dreams so you can never be sure if you are really awake. But your brain knows something is wrong. Your subconscious fights back. This is your mind trying to tell you this isn't real.

Santa: So it gives you me. Sweet Papa Chrimbo.

Ian: It gives you comedy elves, flying reindeer.

The Doctor: Exactly.

Santa: A time-travelling scientist dressed as a magician.

Ian: Classic!

The Doctor: No. No, no. Hang on. No, no, no, no.

Wolf: Living in a phone box.

The Doctor: It's a spaceship in disguise.

Santa: You see how none of this makes any sense?

The Doctor: Shut up, Santa.

Santa: I have watched over you all your lives. I've taken care of you from Christmas to Christmas.

Bellows: But you're not real.

Santa: And yet that never stopped me. All of you, come near. Come here, come on. Join hands.

The Doctor: Look. No. Look, we don't need all this touchy-feely stuff.

Santa: Shut up, Doctor. Join hands. Come on, concentrate.

Bellows: Why?

Santa: You are deep inside this dream, all right, and it is a shared mental state, so it is drawing power from the multi-consciousness gestalt which has now formed telepathically and...

The Doctor: No. No, No, no, no. Line in the sand. Santa Claus does not do the scientific explanation.

Santa: All right. As the Doctor might say, Oh, it's all a bit dreamy-weamy.

The Doctor: Why don't you just go and, and make a naughty list?

Santa: I have, mate, and you're on it.

The Doctor: Don't give me that. Look, you're supposed to be warm and friendly and cheerful.

Santa: Oh, yeah. Well, look at your great bedside manner.

The Doctor: Don't be so hostile,

Clara: Doctor, behave.

Ashley: This is very sweet. But right now I have an alien life form wrapped around my face, and apparently it's digesting my brain. When you speak, how do I know it's not the Dream Crab?

Santa: Ooo, good question. Spoken like a scientist.

Clara: Can I put it another way? Why would the part of our brain that is trying to keep all of us alive choose you for a face?

Santa: Is anyone else asking that?

Shona: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All of us. All of us. Why you?

Santa: Why me? It's the North Pole, it's Christmas Day. You're dying. Who you gonna call? Just one last time, huh? One last Christmas, as if your lives depended on it. Please! Ho, ho, ho. Believe in Santa.

The Doctor: I'm not very good with this holdy-hand thing.

Clara: Tough.

The Doctor: I will hold Clara's hand, but that's it.

Clara: Shona, take his hand.

The Doctor: Oh no, I'm fine, I'm fine. This is very Christmassy, isn't it?

Ashley: OK, so what do we...

Bellows: Where did he go?

The Doctor: We're waking up. That part of the dream is over. We're on our own now.

Albert: Well, then. What do we do?

The Doctor: That pain in your head. Make it worse. Head towards it.

Ashley: So when we wake up, what do we expect?

The Doctor: Only a few moments will have passed at the most. The attack is still in progress.

Shona: I'm scared.

The Doctor: Congratulations. That means you're not an idiot.

Clara: It's not like the last time.

The Doctor: Last time wasn't real.

Ashley: Good luck. Stay calm. And God bless us, every one.

[ INT. Infirmary ]

(they gasp and retch violently)

The Doctor: Run!

Clara: Argh.

The Doctor: Clara!

Clara: Doctor!

The Doctor: Clara? Come on!

Ashley: Out, out, now! NOW!

(she grunts frantically)

[ INT. Corridor ]

The Doctor: Everyone all right? Good. Bye.

Clara: Sorry, I'll just go and...

The Doctor: No need for chatting, you'll only get attached. This isn't Facebook.

[ EXT. The base ]

Clara: Er, what about the Dream Crabs?

The Doctor: Oh, they're fine.

Clara: And the people that they're eating?

The Doctor: Beyond help.

Clara: Doctor, the others are still in danger.

The Doctor: Only if they're stupid. There are polar bears on this ice cap. Am I supposed to do something about that, too?

Clara: We know Dream Crabs are still on Earth.

The Doctor: There are lots of dangerous things on this funny little planet of yours, Clara, most of which you eat. I'm the Doctor, not your mam.

Clara: Doctor? If Santa was only in the dream, why was he on my roof?

The Doctor: Four. Four patients. Four manuals. Hurry! Do you know what I hate about the obvious?

Clara: What?

The Doctor: Missing it.

[ INT. Control room ]

The Doctor: As you were. No saluting. Are you the same people as before?

Clara: Of course they are.

The Doctor: Oh, sorry, I deleted you.

Shona: Well, that's not a very nice attitude, is it?

The Doctor: Four manuals, yes?

Ashley: Yes, why?

The Doctor: One each.

Albert: One each, yes. What's the problem?

The Doctor: Well, the problem is, you can't see the problem. For instance, you, gobby one.

Shona: I have a name, actually.

The Doctor: Doesn't matter. I don't need it. When we first met you in the infirmary, what were you doing?

Shona: Mmm. It's a long story.

The Doctor: Uptight boss one. What is the primary mission of this polar base?

Ashley: It's a long story.

The Doctor: Sexy one. What brings you to the North Pole at your age?

Bellows: It's a long... story.

Clara: OK, why are they all giving the same answer, because that is a tiny bit freaky.

The Doctor: If you think that's freaky, try this. We were in the TARDIS. Why did we come here?

Clara: It's a long story.

Clara: Doctor?

The Doctor: Dreams. They're funny. (he laughs hollowly) They're disjointed. They're, they're silly. They're full of gaps. But you don't notice, because the dream protects itself. Stops you asking the right questions. For example, why do you have four manuals, one each, when you have a crew of eight? Or did you forget about your friends in the infirmary here?

Albert: But we woke up.

The Doctor: Dreams within dreams, I warned you.

Bellows: This isn't a dream. I know it isn't.

The Doctor: No one knows they're not dreaming. Not one of us. Not ever. Not for one single moment of our lives. Clara? Page number. Make it a good one.

Clara: Twelve.

Ashley: Very.

Albert: Very.

Bellows: Very.

Shona: Dead.

The Doctor: And who's going to be the first to admit it?

Ashley: Admit what?

The Doctor: That the pain is still there.

Shona: Actually, I think it's getting worse.

The Doctor: Yes, there is an alien organism in your brain, eating it. Of course it's getting worse.

Clara: Doctor? What are they doing?

The Doctor: Factually, getting up. Significantly, sensing the endgame.

Clara: How?

Ashley: I don't understand.

The Doctor: Well, look at them. Go on. Look at them. Look at them properly. Look who they are. They're you. The Sleepers are you.

Shona: How can they be us?

The Doctor: Because we're dreaming, all of us. This base isn't real. None of us are actually standing in the room. I'm probably asleep in my TARDIS. Clara, you must be in bed. God knows where the rest of you are, probably scattered all over the world. But wherever you are, the Dream Crabs have got us, and we're all being networked into the same nightmare.

Bellows: What are they doing?

The Doctor: It's your subconscious again. The Sleepers represent the part of your mind that's already surrendered to the attack. These are dream images of what's coming to kill you.

Albert: That's me? That's actually me?

The Doctor: No, it's a metaphorical construct representing a psychic attack within a shared dreamscape. Do please keep up.

Albert: But it's me.

The Doctor: Don't get too close.

Albert: Why?

The Doctor: Because this is a nightmare.

The Doctor (screams): No! Clara!

The Doctor: Look out, they're coming through. Out! Outside, now! Run, run, run, run! Run! Clara, run. Run, all of you, run. Run!

(creatures roar)

[ EXT. The base ]

Bellows: We'll freeze to death out here.

Shona: But it, it's just a dream.

The Doctor: This dream just killed your friend. Start taking it seriously.

Shona: Where's Albert? Where's the professor?

The Doctor: He probably just woke up somewhere in the real world, dead. If we don't wake up now, we'll do the same.

Clara: But how?

The Doctor: I don't know.


The Doctor: The TARDIS! Come on! Come on!

Clara: Doctor, it's not the real TARDIS.

The Doctor: Well, let's hope that I dreamed it really well, then.

Clara: It's us.

The Doctor: Of course it's us. We're dreaming too.

Shona: Oh, my God.

Bellows: How is that possible? How can there be so many?

The Doctor: The logic of a nightmare.

(creatures chitter)

Shona: So tell us how to wake up. Because you're always talking like you're so clever, going on and on. So tell us what to do!

The Doctor: We have to leave this place.

Shona: Leave it?

Bellows: How?

The Doctor: Use your imagination.

Bellows: Excuse me?

The Doctor: Dream yourselves home.

Bellows: But how?

The Doctor: Come on, it's Christmas, the North Pole. Who you gonna call?

(sleigh bells ring)

(reindeer grunt)

Santa: Hyahhh! Whoa! Whoa. Ah. Get in the sleigh.

Santa: Fortunately, I know all your home addresses. Yah!

[ Sleigh ]

Clara: So what happens now?

Santa: Hyah!

Clara: This is us just waking up, right?

The Doctor: Could be. Well, I hope so. Waking up or...

Clara: Or?

The Doctor: Just focus on this. Do you believe in Santa Claus?

Clara: I've always believed in Santa Claus. But he looks a little different to me.

Clara: Look!

Santa: Hey. You want to take the reins, Doctor?

The Doctor: You're a dream construct, currently representing either my recovering or expiring mind.

Santa: Yes, but do you want a go?

The Doctor: Yeah. All right.

(they gasp)

The Doctor: Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Santa: Easy! This way.

The Doctor: No, no, no! Oh, ho ho! Ah!

Santa: Up a bit. Lift up. There we go.

The Doctor: Look at me. Look. Look at me!

(they squeal excitedly)

(big ben chimes)

The Doctor: Look at me! I'm riding a sleigh. I'm riding a sleigh. (big ben chimes) Yippee yah-yay!

(all gasp and coo)

The Doctor: Oh. Maybe you could...

Santa: Yeah, yeah.

(The Doctor pants for breath)

Shona: I work in a shop.

Ashley: I'm sorry?

Shona: I thought I was a scientist. That's rubbish.

Bellows: Finally, something that makes sense.

Shona: You're horrible, you.

Ashley: Perfume.

Shona: What?

Ashley: I'm an account manager for perfume. Does this mean we're waking up?

The Doctor: Possibly. With any luck, we'll all wake up in our proper times and places.

Clara: Proper times?

The Doctor: Well, we could all be from different time zones. Time travel is always possible, in dreams.

Shona: We might not know each other? Not any of us?

Ashley: No, possibly not.

Shona: Well, you know what we should do? We should swap numbers. We should have a reunion.

Ashley: Bellows!

[ INT. Bellow's house ]

Girl: Gran! Dinner's ready.

Bellows: Yeah, sorry, I must have dozed off.

[ Sleigh ]

Shona: Er, now I'm pretty sure I can remember my number so, if you memorise it, then you text me, we can go for a curry and...

The Doctor: The chances of you remembering any of this are very slim.

Shona: Well, don't say that. We'll remember, won't we, Ashley? Ashley?

(she screams)

Shona: Am I next? Is it me now?

Clara: Shona, you're going home. You're surviving.

Shona: Do you want to hang out sometime? We can just hang out.

Clara: Sure.

Shona: Santa, can I stay a bit longer?

[ INT. Shona's appartment ]

(crab screeches)

Shona: Gross!

[ Sleigh ]

Clara: It's a pity we have to wake up, really. It's not really something we do every day, is it?

Santa: No, no. Strictly once a year.

The Doctor: We stay, we die, Clara.

Clara: You're always such a downer, Doctor.

[ EXT. Ledge ]

(he coughs)

The Doctor: Clara!

[ Sleigh ]

Santa: You really should be waking up too, Clara.

Clara: Just a little longer.

Santa: Why?

Clara: Every Christmas is last Christmas.

(metallic thrumming)

Santa: Hyah!

[ INT. Clara's bedroom ]

The Doctor: Oh, Clara. I might have known that you would be the one to sleep in. OK, I tracked the psychic signal here. I'm pretty sure that I know how to do this now. One of the advantages of actually being awake. So, you just hold still. I've just got to zap the neural centres.

The Doctor: OK, there you go.

The Doctor: The Dream Crabs must have got to me first then found you in my memory. The others were collateral damage. Well, good to see you properly at last. How long has it been? Clara.

Clara: Oh, you know. About sixty two years. Doctor, I have missed you very much, you stupid old man.

(she laughs)

The Doctor: I've missed you, too.

[ INT. Clara's living room ]

The Doctor: These are Christmas hats, I've seen people use them. You put them on and absolutely anything seems funny.

Clara: Oh, probably won't work on you.

The Doctor: Probably not. You want to try?

Clara: Go on, then.

Clara: Can you really see no difference in me?

The Doctor: Clara Oswald, you will never look any different to me. So, how was it then?

Clara: How was what?

The Doctor: The sixty two years that I missed.

Clara: Oh, how was my life, you mean?

The Doctor: Is there a Mister Clara?

Clara: No. But there were plenty of proposals.

The Doctor: They all turned you down though?

Clara: I turned them down. I travelled. I taught in every country in Europe. I learned to fly a plane.

The Doctor: Regrets?

Clara: Oh, hundreds. (she chuckles) I just wish there were time for a few more.

The Doctor: Yeah, they're always the best part. Christmas cracker. We should do one. No one ever matched up to Danny, eh?

Clara: There was one other man, but that would never have worked out.

The Doctor: Why not?

Clara: He was impossible.

The Doctor: We should do this every Christmas.

Clara: Because every Christmas is last Christmas.

The Doctor: I'm sorry. I was stupid. I should have come back earlier. I wish that I had.

Santa: Do you, Doctor? How much do you wish that?

The Doctor: No. I'm not still...

Santa: Wakey, wakey!

[ EXT. Ledge ]

(he coughs)

The Doctor: Clara!

[ INT. Clara's bedroom ]

(she gasps)

Clara: Doctor. Am I young?

The Doctor: No idea.

The Doctor: Is that any good?

Clara: Oh, that's good.

The Doctor: The TARDIS is outside.

Clara: So?

The Doctor: So, all of time and all of space is sitting out there. A big blue box. Please, don't even argue.

Clara: Merry Christmas, Doctor.

The Doctor: Merry Christmas, Clara Oswald.

(she laughs)

[ EXT. Clara's place ]

Clara: Well, look at you, all happy. That's rare.

The Doctor: Do you know what's rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don't even know who to thank.

(metallic thrumming)