11x07 - Kerblam!

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC)

- DOCTOR: Hold on!
- YAZ: We ARE holding on!

- GRAHAM: Whoa!
- Well, hold on tighter!

Can you do something about this turbulence?

I'm avoiding something.

Aagh! Can't get the hang of these new systems!

- YAZ: What is it?
- No! It's still coming for us!

Oh! It's a teleport pulse.

(WHOOSHING AND PULSING)

Aagh! What's that?!

(MUSICAL STING PLAYS)

ROBOT: Delivery for the Doctor.

Ah! It's the Kerblam Man!

- It's the what?
- The Kerblam Man.

- You're just making sounds now.
- (GASPS)

Delivery fulfilled.

And remember, if you want it, Kerblam it.

(CHUCKLES)

(MUSICAL STING PLAYS)

Ah! (CHUCKLES)

Space postman. I've seen it all now.

Delivery bots.

Kerblam's the biggest retailer in this galaxy.

I don't remember ordering anything.

Must have been a while back.

Oh!

What d'you think?

Still me?

Nice.

Check it out, they even use bubble wrap. (GIGGLES)

- (BUBBLES POP)
- Doctor, look at this.

The back of the packing slip.

"Help me."

Probably someone just bored out of their minds, mucking about.

Trust me, I've been there.

Should have seen what we used to hide inside the trainers...

What if it's not?

What if someone really is in trouble?

Can't hurt to check, can it, Doc?

Right. Kerblam, here we come.

- (CRASH!)
- (ALL EXCLAIM)

Oh...

(TARDIS WHIRRS)

Oh...

There's the planet Kandoka, and we're on its moon.

Kerblam turned it into one massive warehouse.

Look at the size of it!

Must be thousands of people in there.

How are we gonna find out who sent that message?

Halfway across the universe and I feel like I'm back at work.

Ryan...

...brilliant!

Come on.

- What?
- We're going undercover.

Chop-chop!

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Good morning, workers.

- Welcome to another rewarding...
- DOCTOR: Can you check again?

We just came in from Kandoka.

We must be on the list there somewhere.

Not expecting anyone new today.

Didn't even know there was a shuttle coming in.

Do you mind if I take a look?
It might just be the spelling.

By the way, this is our reference.

Oh. You're relatives of the First Lady!

Oh. Did she put that?
We asked her not to.

- Didn't we, g*ng?
- We don't like to talk about it.

- Oh.
- Yeah. So awkward.

We're very private.

- Well, there must be some...
- (COMPUTER TRILLS)

Oh, no. There you are.
Got you. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Private shuttle landing.

Sorry. Person error.

Me, I mean. Um...

Right. Well, uh, let's get you on this induction, then.

Uh, follow me. This way. (CHUCKLES)

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Welcome to another rewarding shift at Kerblam, fulfilling orders from the human colony of Kandoka.

- Hi!
- Morning.

Sorry, what's your name?

- Oh. Judy Maddox, Head of People.
- Ah.

Morning, Les. How are the family?

ROBOT: Good morning, Daniel.

My name is not Les, but I acknowledge your amusing coworker banter.

Every morning.

So much for machine learning.

Have a great day, Dan.

- Hiya!
- Good morning, new workers.

- Is it me, or are they pretty creepy?
- It ain't you.

Oi, you two, that's robophobic.
Some of my best friends are robots.

You'll be right at home here, then.

Kerblam, fully automated, people powered.

JUDY: The system allocates work details based on fitness, stamina, dexterity and mental assessments.

Same model as the Kerblam Man!

I love the Kerblam Man.

The Teammates are the friendly face of the system.

They're here to assist and to supervise the organic workers.

Organic?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, sorry. Listen to me.

You get so used to the jargon.

Gone native. (CHUCKLES)

- (COMPUTER BEEPS)
- Oh! Two hearts.

Courtesy of the First Lady.

Very good healthcare policy. I don't like to talk about it.

So... Kerblam is completely automated?

Uh, no, %, as per Kandokan guidelines.

Proud to be a certified % people-powered company.

I know some people are against quotas, but I'm all for that one.

Mind you, I would say that, wouldn't I?

Head of People.
Self-interest. (CHUCKLES)

It's funny, I don't normally talk this much. (CHUCKLES)

(SYSTEM POWERS DOWN)

Huh.

Don't worry, it'll come back online in a moment.

(SYSTEM POWERS UP) Not paid your bills?

Build a warehouse on a moon, it's never gonna be perfect.

We get the occasional power drain.

It's down to the self-optimisation systems.

How's the morale among the workers?

Uh... I like to think very good.

It's my job to make sure that everyone's happy. Uh...

Not that it's difficult,

I mean, we're all so grateful to have a job, right? (CHUCKLES)

We all know how hard they are to come by.

No, I hope that people feel it's a privilege to work at Kerblam.

TEAMMATE: Relax as I affix your Group Loop.

- Are we under house arrest?
- Oh, no.

The Group Loops monitor productivity and report back to the system.

- (GROUP LOOP BEEPS)
- I wore one of these at my last job.

Oh, really? Where was that?

Sport Stack, People's Republic of South Yorkshire. (CHUCKLES)

Hmm. I don't know it.

But it's nice to meet someone with experience.

You'll feel right at home.

Yeah.

Right. Time for the tour.

million products, , employees, the biggest human workforce in this galaxy.

Welcome to Kerblam.

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Welcome to another rewarding shift at Kerblam, fulfilling orders from the human colony of Kandoka.

, workers. One wrote a message.

(CHUCKLES)

Might take a while, this.

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Maintenance staff are requested.

Thank you, Maintenance.

The system instantly relays customer orders to workers in Fulfilments.

They scan the product and send it down to the packing stations.

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Product incoming.

Once it's packed, the customer's order goes on the conveyor.

Rule number one, keep all loose clothing, hair and body parts away from the conveyor and never, ever, climb onto the conveyors.

Any person found on the conveyor faces immediate termination.

This is Final Checks, where parcels are inspected, sealed, and go down the hatch...

...to Dispatch.

Through this hatch beats the heart of the Kerblam operation.

Hundreds of conveyors pumping parcels down to our fully automated lower level.

From Dispatch, our postmen retrieve the parcels and teleport direct to the customers.

- Any questions?
- Can I do the packing slips?

Sorry, only purple Group Loops work the packing stations.

(SIGHS) Oh.

Leisure breaks in the Home Zone.

Right. I'll leave you in the capable hands of the Teammates.

I'll be checking in on you, make sure you're OK.

Gotta keep an eye on the %.

As my dad used to say, "Go, organics!" (CHUCKLES)

He was, uh... a bit odd, my dad.

- Stand still, Graham.
- GRAHAM: What you doing?

Switching jobs with you. I need purple.

Whoever sent that message had access to the packing stations.

That's where I need to be.

And where does that leave me?

TEAMMATE: Hello, coworkers.

We're so thrilled to have you with us.

Yasmin Khan, please come with me.

Ryan Sinclair and the Doctor, great name, with my colleague to the left.

Hello, team!

Meet you at break time in the Home Zone?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Roger Wilco.

Oh! Did I ever tell you about a bloke that I met called Roger Wilco...

Hey, hey, hold on! What about me?! Where am I going?

Graham O'Brien, a very warm welcome to Premium Maintenance.

(SIGHS)

Not a word.

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Product incoming.

You two are doing so well!

- Especially for a first day.
- Thanks, Kira.

I was hoping for something a bit less really repetitive, but...

- ...quite enjoying it.
- Product incoming.

You're a ninja at this, Ryan.

This was my life before you.

Mind you, you should have seen me when I'd just started.

First month, total nightmare.

Takes me a while to learn things physically.

I get there in the end, but...

...just some stuff takes me a bit longer.

Luckily, I had mates who covered for me in the beginning.

Oh. I was terrible too, my first week.

I'm amazed the system kept me on.

But now, I just take a deep breath at the beginning of every shift

and tell myself, "Kira Arlo, you can do this."

Sometimes I almost believe myself. (CHUCKLES)

(DEVICE BEEPS)

What I don't understand is why does Kerblam need people as a workforce?

These are automated and repetitive tasks.

Why not get the robots to do it?

Do you not watch the news?

- We travel a lot.
- A lot.

Kandokan labour laws.

Ever since the People Power protest movements, companies have to make sure a minimum % of the workforce are actual people, at all levels.

Like the slogan says, "Real people need real jobs."

Work gives us purpose, right?

- Some work, maybe.
- Product incoming.

Do you want a tip?

If I ever get bored, I imagine customers opening their parcels, back on Kandoka.

Their big smiles.

I only ever got a present the once, but...

...oh, I can never forget how it felt.

Like...

Like a little box of happiness.

(CHUCKLES)

Just one present your whole life?

My birthday, last year.

A little box of chocolates, from Judy, our Head of People.

Oh! It was so amazing.

What about your mum and dad?

Didn't they ever get you a present?

Never knew them.

But I can still imagine...

...families opening these packages.

We make them happy by doing what we do here.

You have a great approach to life, Kira.

Thank you.

That's so lovely of you.

Nobody's ever said something that nice to me.

(CHUCKLES)

Where are these packing slips generated from?

I don't know. They just... arrive here.

Our little instruction slips.

Kira, have you ever met anyone here who's worried...

...or needs help?

- Help with what?
- I dunno.

Someone who was having a hard time, or got themselves into trouble.

Word of advice, the Teammates can hear everything, if they choose.

Everything?

Constant random monitoring.

No such thing as privacy here.

Are you from the union? Is that it?

Just trying to get a sense of the place.

Well, best way to get along, do as you're told...

...and try not... to bump into the robots.

If you can manage that, you might end up...

...on a poster!

That's you!

Film-star looks.

(LAUGHS)

I got extra credit for it.

Sent a poster to my little girl, for her bedroom wall.

- How old is she?
- Six.

Where is she?

She's upstairs. She's Head of Finance.

(LAUGHS) No, she's back home, on Kandoka.

She made me this.

Lacquered with arcadium.

Outlast anything, this will.

Including me.

Actually, that's a bit depressing.

TEAMMATE: Hello, coworkers.

Please confine social interaction to leisure breaks.

How often do you see your daughter?

Twice a year, I splurge on an economy shuttle.

The rest of my wages I put away for her education.

I do this job so... she doesn't end up like her dad.

- Her dad's alright.
- Well...

...I was a rubbish husband to her mum.

But... I'm making up for it.

It's tough being away from family.

Well...

...at least I'm working, unlike half the galaxy.

I suppose we've only got ourselves to blame.

Whilst we were busy staring at our phones, technology went and nicked our jobs...

Great conversation, guys.

But unnecessary talking can lead to efficiency reductions.

Why not pick up the pace a little?

Sure thing, Basil.

Thank you.

He was a pole dancer till his hips gave out.

(LAUGHS)

I like you, Yaz, you laugh at my jokes.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

Hmm. Antique lamp, section / .

No. Not a good idea.

Not on your first day.

I'll take that. You'll get lost in the triple- s.

- Dan, I'm perfectly capable of...
- I know you are.

I'm just not sure the system is.

There's barely anything down the triple- s anymore.

The last person to search for an order down there got the sack.

I never saw them again.

Not having that happen to you.

Not on your first day.

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Kerblam performance status.

(SYSTEM POWERS DOWN)

(SLOWING DOWN) All systems currently at optimal... fun... ction...

Another power drain?

(SYSTEM POWERS UP) ...functionality.

System online.

Alright. It's just a glitch. Back to work.

Come on, Kira. Re-engage brain, if you can find it.

S-sorry, Mr Slade.

Hey. Don't talk to her like that.

It... it's OK.

- No, it's not.
- Who are you?

I'm the Doctor. I'm new.

And you are?

Jarva Slade.

Warehouse Executive. Your boss.

Well, you've certainly got the clipboard for it.

Be nicer to Kira, please.

How would you like a warning for insubordination?

I'd love one! Oh, I could add it to my collection.

Doctor, don't...

Gentle people skills advice for you, Mr Slade, respect goes both ways.

The best managers, the really good ones, value their staff, and know instinctively if someone's in trouble, or...

...is asking for help.

Now, how good a manager are you?

Know anyone who needs help?

Get back to work.

All of you.

(SIGHS)

Be careful with Slade.

Last week, Zaff got a warning for leaning on the conveyor, and the next day, he was gone.

RYAN: Gone?

Does that happen a lot?

A few have gone recently.

Zaff, Jax from the canteen, Chinello from Maintenance.

And it... it's weird, 'cause Lupa called Chinello's mum...

...and she never arrived home.

Blimey!

You scared me there for a moment.

You should be in Dispatch, shouldn't you? Not down here.

What you doing, practising your lurking?

Can you hear me?

Something wrong with your speech circuits?

(SIGHS)

Hang on. I'll report it, get you back to Dispatch...

YAZ: Dan?

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Remember, any problems, please ask a Teammate.

They're on your side.

Dan?

Dan?

Dan?!

You down there?

(DAN SCREAMS)

Dan?!

Are you there?!

Um...

...I... I just found these.

They belong to Dan Cooper.

Do you know where he is?

OK. Never mind!

Safety rule , do not drink any of the cleaning fluids.

Yeah, yeah. I've got it now, guys. Thank you.

Your Maintenance mentor is Charlie.

Hmm? Oh, alright, cockle?

- Have a productive day, team.
- BOTH: Happy maintaining!

(SIGHS)

Graham. Nice to meet another real person.

Charlie. I've, um...

...I've just done the gents, so...

Oh, I'll just settle for a wave, then. (CHUCKLES)

Cor, those guys go on a bit, don't they?

I mean, that briefing nearly lasted half my life. And I'm !

Hey, uh, I saw you arrive earlier.

I wasn't expecting anyone new down here.

Well, it's your lucky day, then, eh, Charlie boy?

So, tell me how all this really works.

The moment there's a mess or a spill, we get beeped.

There's strict time guidelines on how quickly we're supposed to get there and how long it takes for us to clear things up.

- Right.
- All laid out by the system.

They check up on us after every task.

So, even though everything's automated, there's still an idiot boss.

Yeah.

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Temporary functionality issues. Team nine.

Please take an emergency rest break in the Home Zone now.

So, just to be clear, you found Dan's scanner crushed.

I heard him yell and now there's no sign of him anywhere.

We have to find him.

These were delivery bots, like Kerblam Man, not the Teammates.

You two, stay with me.

I need you to find out the history of the company and try and get some plans of the complex.

How am I gonna do that?

You're perfectly placed.

No-one questions a cleaner.

You've got unrestricted access.

Yeah, and chronic skin irritation.

CHARLIE: Graham, have you sorted that spill?

It's alright. All taken care of. Don't worry.

Everyone, this is Charlie.

Hi, Charlie.

- Oh! Oh, no.
- Oh, it's alright.

- Oh, what am I like?
- I've got it. It's OK.

I'm so clumsy.

- Oh, I don't mind.
- Really?

- Really.
- Just such a butterfingers.

I love butter. (LAUGHS)

Oh...

Aww.

- Um...
- S...

- Bye.
- Ye...

Workplace crush?

Reminds me of you when you were younger.

When I say younger, I mean last month.

- (LAUGHS) Funny.
- Yeah.

Come on. We're going to file a complaint.

Dan Cooper has vanished. Maybe you should call the police.

SLADE: There are no police here.

The authorities, then.

We are the authorities. Kerblam is its own jurisdiction.

We have responsibility for all employee welfare.

Then you better be worthy of the jobs you're holding, because a man is missing and I don't think he's the first.

Not if this is any indicator.

This came to me in a delivery.

What do you think it means?

Not exactly cryptic.

RYAN: Someone was worried about their own safety and now we're finding out other people are going missing.

Who has access to the printing system for those packing slips?

Nobody.

They're auto-generated during the order process, but they're placed in boxes by the workers in Fulfilment.

Your section.

Have you tried working down there?

There's no time to add stuff to slips.

This was done somewhere else, before it gets to Fulfilment.

Something is very wrong here at Kerblam.

And if you two don't do something about it, I might start to suspect that you're responsible.

We'll look into it.

You have my word.

Mine too.

Those words better be worth something.

And if anything happens to us or our new friends or anyone else here, you'll have me to answer to.

- Too bombastic?
- Felt about right.

- I kind of liked it.
- Thanks.

Laters!

Ooh. Not doing that again.
Sticking with "Bye".

RYAN: Catch me up with this.

We storm into management, cause a fight.

Whatever happened to being undercover?

That was before I knew people were disappearing.

I'm stepping it up a gear.
Going straight to the top.

YAZ: I bet you were the sort of kid who liked poking a stick in a wasps' nest, just to see what happened.

Don't like bullies, don't like conspiracies, don't like people being in danger, and there's a flavour of all three here.

Now...

...ever hidden in a panelled alcove?

- BOTH: No.
- You haven't lived.

Why are we doing this, exactly?

We wait until Slade leaves, then we break back into his office, obviously.

Oh, talking of wasps, did I ever tell you about me and Agatha Christie?

So, how long have you had a thing for Kira?

How did you know about that?

That's one of my superpowers, yeah.

I can detect even the most subtle of social cues.

- Really?
- No!

It's obvious!

I don't know. Um...

It's kind of... I just, uh...

It's just... I can't...

I can't concentrate when I'm near her.

It's like I forget everything that I'm supposed to be doing.

I mean, have you smelt her?

Strangely enough, I haven't.

She smells...

...perfect.

Right.

I haven't told anyone else.

Been on my own here for a long time.

I can tell. Charlie, can I be honest with you?

I suppose.

See, you know your way around here, but I... am gonna need a little bit of help.

See, 'cause I get easily confused.

A bit like you when Kira's around.

And I cannot get my nut around the shape of this place 'cause it's way too big.

But...

...if I had, like, a, um... some sort of...

- Diagram of...
- ...a diagram of Kerblam's layout, maybe I could find things a bit easier.

See? 'Cause without it, I ain't gonna last long in the job, am I?

'Cause it'll take me hours to get to the next spill.

I reckon I could get that.

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Our reception is currently in night mode.

These artefact cabinets contain the entire history of Kerblam, from the prototype delivery bot, right up to today.

- Designs, layout, everything.
- Right.

Won't somebody miss 'em?
Ah, it's just for show.

Like you say, we're only borrowing.

It's not like anyone pays attention to this stuff.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. And you've got the codes for all of these, have you?

The inside of these cabinets need polishing, too, you know?

Yeah. Of course they do. Right.

Mind if I get a friend to help me study these?

What? Thank you, cockle. Come on.

(INDISTINCT RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT)

Nothing to see here, mate.

I thought Slade would never leave.

What do we think, then?

If this is Slade's office and everything in this company is automated, why does he need a clipboard?

Or a filing cabinet?

Khan and Sinclair, the greatest detectives in the galaxy.

Ha-ha!

Locked.

Ooh, paperwork. Very retro.

Now...

...what sort of paperwork does Slade keep locked away?

What is it?

Oh, my God.

JUDY: You'd better have a very good excuse for breaking in here.

Your Group Loops told me you were back here.

Oh! I knew that.

But I forgot that.

That's the problem with conspiracies, there's so much to think about!

What if I said we got lost, ended up in here by accident, just as the filing cabinet weirdly fell open?

How would that play?

There were no shuttles from Kandoka today.

I checked.

Who are you? Industrial spies?

I was being honest with you earlier.

We got a message someone needed help and we came.

People are vanishing and Mr Slade is keeping a running tally.

Seven people so far.

According to these notes, it started four months ago with two workers.

The next month, another.

This month, four.

The disappearances are on the increase.

No wonder people are sending out cries for help.

And as Head of People for Kerblam, I suggest you're guilty of some serious negligence.

(SYSTEM POWERS DOWN)

Another power drain?

That's not a power drain.

That's a total system blackout.

Power's drained right down to the foundation levels.

What's down in the foundation levels?

GRAHAM: I can help with that.

- Charlie, what are you doing up here?
- Sorry, Judy.

- He's with me.
- And he's with us.

And they are the original plans for Kerblam.

What are you doing with those?
Those are company artefacts.

Was this down to you?

RYAN: More urgent question, if everything's automated and all the power's shut down...

...why is that robot still active?

Oh, good question. Back behind me, everyone.

ROBOT: Error reported. Error reported.

- Hey, Charlie, don't, mate.
- I can... I can look at it.

Error reported. Error...

Investigating.

Charlie!

Investigating! Investigating!

YAZ: Doctor, do something!

I'm trying! The receptor codes are fluctuating.

RYAN: Ohh! Oh!

- Are you alright?
- Deep breaths now. You're safe.

This has never happened before with any of the robots.

YAZ: You're wrong! When Dan Cooper went missing, there were three of those dressed in those postman uniforms

walking the shelving.

- They came after me!
- Well, that's not possible.

The delivery bots never leave Dispatch.

We'd know. The system would tell us.

I would respectfully suggest that you can't trust your system.

(WHIRRING)

And we're back online.

But the receptor cells on this are blown out.

RYAN: Hey, Doctor, be careful.

Oh... It's as if the system suddenly channelled all its energy into this one single Teammate.

The system's attacking us.

It's like the system's gone rogue.

JUDY: Of course it's gone rogue.

Nobody would do any of this deliberately.

If I ever find out that you're lying...

I have worked for years to make Kerblam more of a people-powered company.

My career has been about bringing people like Charlie here, people who need a second chance, haven't I?

It's true. She's the reason most of us are here.

She selects all the workers.

We owe her a lot.

I've never seen these papers of Slade's before now.

Those names, Zaff, Jax, Chinello, the others, they're active on the system.

According to the system, they're still alive and working.

There are , people here.

I can't keep track of them all.

YAZ: So, what do we do, Doctor?

If I could get a copy of the original code, I could hack in, isolate the upgrades and see what it's up to.

So, you'll need Kerblam version . ?

That'd be hundreds of years old, wouldn't it?

And I think we can help with that.

RECORDED MESSAGE: Our reception is currently...

RYAN: Kerblam delivery bot version . . Also known as Twirly.

I don't think we should do this.
If Mr Slade finds out, then...

JUDY: Leave Slade to me.

Let's just hurry up before the Teammates come under control.

Ah! Here we go, Twirly.

Nice to meet you.

Quite cute, isn't it?

RYAN: Yeah. It's kind of retro.

DOCTOR: Well, he is getting on a bit. I love a bit of retro.

(HUMS SOFTLY)

Kira Arlo!

Hi! Yes. Sorry, I didn't hear you there.

I was in my own little world.

You are an exceptional worker.

- Kira Arlo...
- Am I?

We are thrilled to reveal you've been designated Employee of the Day.

Oh!

Oh, wow. I...

I didn't even know there was such a thing.

And in recognition of your work, Kerblam has a gift for you.

A gift?

Come with us.

TWIRLY: Customers who selected these items also bought ear mufflers, pencil sharpeners and cola bottles.

Say yes now to order these three for the price of the cheapest two.

- No.
- Thank you.

I have stored your preferences.

And remember, if you want it, Kerblam...

(SLOWS AND STOPS)

Oh, it's out of juice.

Needs a big recharge before I can access the code.

Maintenance store. There's everything there.

It's not a good idea.

Doctor, I've just had a notification that one of the workers from Packing has gone missing.

Her Group Loop's disappeared right off the system.

Name of Kira Arlo.

What?

- Kira?
- We have to find her.

I thought you said the system didn't notify you when someone went missing.

Well, it didn't until now.

It's like it's sending us a deliberate message.

It knows we're on to it.

Where was her signal last recorded?

Um...

...Dispatch.

CHARLIE: That's not possible.

No people are allowed down there.

Dispatch. Foundation levels, right?

Where the power's drained down to.

Well, how do we get to her?

You can't. It's fully automated.

There's not even a route down.

But she got down there somehow.

You get what you need from the robot.

Yaz, Charlie, come with me. We'll find Kira.

Hang on. How you gonna get down there?

I know how these places work. (LAUGHS)

Get ready to stick it to rule number one.

You did this in your last job?

Yeah. Once.

- How did it go?
- Really badly.

Sprained ankle and a final warning.

CHARLIE: Come on. We have to find Kira.

I should let you know, I have a coordination problem.

Not super-serious, but, you know...

...makes life... really interesting.

And frustrating. And difficult.

Especially at moments like this.

You don't have to come. I can find Kira on my own.

Mate, that's not how we roll. Is it, Yaz?

Nope. We're all in.

Dispatch, here we come.

Aaaaagh!

Aaaaaaaaaah!

Aaaaagh!

Here you are, Kira.

Thanks.

Sorry...

What's this?

Make yourself at home.

OK.

(DOOR CLANKS SHUT)

RYAN: Aaaaagh!

YAZ: You sure about this?

We'll be safe, won't we?

Definitely! I mean, the parcels are safe.

We're just parcels now.

Aagh! Gah!

But the parcels get wrapped in bubble wrap to protect them.

From what?

- Oh, my days.
- Oh!

CHARLIE: From that.

Never liked roller-coasters!

- CHARLIE: We're gonna die!
- YAZ: We're going too fast!

(ALL SCREAM)

We did it!

That was amazing! We're amazing!

Charlie! You're the man!

Aaaaaagh!

Charlie! Charlie!

We're coming!

I can't drop down there.

Of course you can. We both can.

Right?

On one, two, three...

(BOTH SCREAM)

We did it. We're not dead.
We're totally not dead.

Right, Twirly. All charged up.

TWIRLY: You may also like to know we have a one-hour offer on cushions.

Cushions liven up the grimmest workplace, like this one.

Twirly, hi.

I'm the Doctor and this is Graham and this is Judy, and could you pause all sales protocols for a bit?

- Even the upselling?
- Even the upselling.

You've just had a nap of about years so your offers are out of date anyway.

Without upselling, my only purpose is delivery.

We don't need you to do that either, mate.

The future is very confusing for my protocols.

I serve Kerblam and Kerblam serves the people.

Which is why we need your help.

These are my Kerblam credentials, my own executive read code.

We need you to carry out a task which may fundamentally save Kerblam.

I am only a delivery bot. See, now you've made it nervous.

Don't panic, Twirly. You can do this.

It's possible that Kerblam has been compromised.

I'm gonna patch you into the system.

I need you to look far and wide, past new upgrades, firewalls and security patches, into the base code that only you can recognise, and then you can tell us what's going on and deliver the information to us.

Retrieve and deliver. I understand.

This might tickle.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Help! Help! Help! Help!

- What happened?
- Help me! Help me!

Why are you saying that?

Not Twirly speaking.

The system, Kerblam.

Help me, Doctor. Help me.

Help me, Doctor.

The system sent the message.
It printed the slip.

It sent it out.

But why would the system need help?

Twirly, what do you mean?

What sort of help? How can we help?

Help required in Dispatch.

- Help in Dispatch. Urgent help.
- Doc.

They've all just gone down there.

CHARLIE: (SHOUTS)
Disinfection Post! Get down!

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Organic contamination detected.

Initiate disinfection.

Disinfection process unsuccessful.

Ugh, that tastes like...

Organic contamination persists.

Hygiene defences activated.

- Initiate disintegration.
- Run!

- Disintegration process initiated...
- (ALL SCREAM)

- Ryan, look out!
- Follow me!

(ALL PANT)

Aah!

I'm never doing that again.

So, we're at the foundation level.

Yeah.

(MUFFLED) Hello?

(MUFFLED) Hello?

That's Kira's voice.

How did she get down here?

I think it came from this way.

DOCTOR: I'm stupid. Really stupid.

- Can you believe how stupid I am?
- Is that a rhetorical question?

I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner.

There's too many things going on, too many variables.

My brain's too crowded.
What's she talking about?

- No idea. You get used to it.
- She normally explains in the end.

These delivery bots have got teleport circuits.

See?

We don't have to go on the conveyor down to Dispatch.

If I can hijack their circuit for one moment...

- Move away from the delivery bot!
- JUDY: No, Slade, don't.

(GASPS)

Very bad manners to point g*ns at people.

I've never warmed to you. So, tell us what you've done.

We saw the list. The names of the victims you've targeted.

What?

I'm not targeting people.
I'm recording the missing.

Oh. So, it's not you.

No.

Something's wrong with the system but I don't know what.

That's why I had to make sure my notes were analogue.

I thought it was you.

I've been tracking you since you arrived.

- We're trying to help!
- So am I.

But what am I supposed to do?

There's no-one to report this to, no-one to stop it.

- There's only the system.
- There's me.

I'm responsible for every person here. You could have told me.

I didn't know whether I could trust you.

- I still don't.
- (GASPS)

Hey, Doc. Come and have a look at this.

Some kind of goo and... Group Loops! Why are they in there?

(SONIC SCREWDRIVER WHIRRS AND BEEPS)

I think these are the remnants of the missing workers.

We're under a vast liquidisation t*nk.

What?

You mean the robots are kidnapping the workers, then liquidising them?

What I don't understand is why...

- Anyone got a tissue?
- Whoa!

GRAHAM: Looks like an army.

Hello?

Kira!

KIRA!

- She can't hear us.
- Let me find the entrance.

CHARLIE: We've got to get her out.

Why is she in there?

There's no access from here.
We can't get her out!

SLADE: Complaints have been coming back for late deliveries.

This must be why.
Everything's stuck here.

Nothing's going out. What's happened?

Being held back.

(GASPS) Power drains.

Mass teleportation hardware, with huge reserves of power building up.

What if the power's being drained to be stored for one huge, simultaneous teleport, all these deliveries, all at once?

- GRAHAM: To do what?
- You said it looked like an army.

What do armies carry?

Weapons.

But that's not a w*apon. It's a toy.

And every parcel's got something different in it.

Almost.

Except what does every parcel here have in common?

(YELLS) No, Kira, don't!

(POPS BUBBLE)

(GASPS)

YAZ: Oh, my God!

Is that what happened to Dan? And all the others too?

You knew something was gonna happen.

Charlie?

It's done this deliberately.

We need to find the Doctor.

Deadly bubble wrap.

Totally innocuous, apart from when it's intercepted here and weaponised.

Sheets of tiny little bombs ready to explode and k*ll.

Every parcel a death trap.

The workers aren't the targets.

It's the customers.

Kerblam's trying to k*ll their own customers?

That's the worst business plan I've ever heard.

YAZ: Doctor, we found you!

Kira's dead and Charlie had something to do with it.

What?

Not Kira!

It wasn't meant for her.

The system took her.

It's been fighting back against me.

Because it knew what you were planning.

The maintenance man!
Access to everywhere.

Noticed by hardly anyone.

You've been k*lling all the workers?

I needed test subjects to be sure the detonation forces would work in such a small concentration.

What, Charlie? How do you know all this stuff?

I lied on my application, gave you a sob story so you'd let me in, and you bought it.

I've studied cybernetics, expl*sives, teleportation.

- I have worked for this.
- I don't understand. I...

%?

They want us to be grateful that % of people get to work.

What about the other %?
What about our futures?

Because without action, next time, it will be %, then % then %.

I am stronger than you.

I am not gonna stand by and accept it.

People like me, my generation, we change things.

- We make things happen.
- Even if it costs people's lives?

You k*ll a load of customers at Kerblam, let the systems take the fall for it, erode people's trust in automation, make people angry.

Imperfect technology, without a conscience.

Machines malfunction, that's what they do.

No, mate. That's what you're doing.

- Seriously malfunctioning.
- I'm not your mate.

Except Kerblam's system does have a conscience.

It's been fighting you, Charlie. It knew it.

It sent a message across the galaxy, begging for help.

That Teammate in Slade's office, it was coming for you.

And then Kira.

It took her, knowing how you felt about her, to show you how it would feel!

Because how you feel right now about Kira is how all those families and friends will feel if your plan goes off.

- I don't care.
- I think you do.

I think you came here with a plan, but you didn't expect to fall in love.

But that's what happens.

Use it, Charlie. Learn from it, please!

No! No...

If that's the price to change how everyone on Kandoka sees technology, then it is worth it for the cause.

This isn't a cause.
You're not an activist.

This is cold-blooded m*rder.

I can't let the systems take control!

The systems aren't the problem.

How people use and exploit the system, that's the problem.

People like you.

I don't care what you think.
The delivery goes ahead.

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Mass delivery procedures initiated.

- DOCTOR: Someone grab that controller!
- (GRUNTS)

- Aarggh!
- RYAN: What have you done?

You can't stop it now! (GROANS)

Make it stop! We're not gonna let you k*ll all those innocent people.

Destination coordinates locked. Preparing teleport.

Doc, I hope you've got an idea of how to fix that?

Not enough time to fix it. Wait. New idea.

Oh, not enough time for that either.

Maybe worth a go.

- Maybe?
- I mean definitely.

- Grab the postman's head!
- What?

Just like Judy did in the office. Do it! Now!

I need to sort this.

(GRUNTS)

Does she know what she's doing?

Some of the time, definitely. (BOTH GRUNT)

- Get back here! Stop it!
- Charlie...

She can't stop it now.

Those deliveries are gonna be teleported out. I'm sorry.

Twirly, I need your help.

TWIRLY: Sleep mode off. Hello again.

Customers, with your current medical symptoms, browse blood pressure medication.

This is important.

I've linked you in to the new system, to all the delivery bots.

And I have a request.

How may we help?

Change of delivery address for every order about to teleport.

New address, right here.

This hangar, right where we're standing.

I want every Kerblam Man to deliver to themselves.

Delivery orders accepted.

I want every Kerblam Man to open the order they've just delivered to themselves, making sure they do what everybody does with bubble wrap.

- Orders confirmed.
- Charlie...

...get back up here, please.

Delivery in process.

- What's going on?
- Delivery received.

Doctor, they're about to detonate.

Charlie, last chance.
Get out of there now!

Opening delivery.

- Activating bubble wrap.
- Get us out of here.

And remember, if you want to...

(PANTS)

If you want it...

...Kerblam it.

RECORDED ANNOUNCEMENT: Kerblam is experiencing

a momentary technical difficulty.

Our expert engineers are already working to get the systems up and running again as quickly and safely as possible.

In the meantime, why not consider a personal mindful moment?

SLADE: We're suspending all operations for a month, pending review, and while the Teammates are rebuilding Dispatch.

All our workers have been given two weeks paid leave, free return shuttle transport, and I'm going to propose that Kerblam becomes a people-led company in future.

Majority organics.
People, I mean. (LAUGHS)

We're always looking for good workers to join our management team.

Uh...

Thanks. We're strictly freelance.

- YAZ: Doctor, can I make a request?
- Always.

If Dan hadn't have switched scanners, it would have been me in that test room.

He saved my life.

I want to take this to his daughter.

Tell her how much he loved it.

How much he loved her.

It's the least we can do.

Put it down. It's Kerblam bubble wrap.

Uh, you sure you want to pop that?

Let us put the accused to the test.

- Granny!
- WOMAN: King James.

KING JAMES: We must purify your land.

- We shall not be stopped!
- Where's the witch?