01x03 - YumTime

Previously on "Billions"...

We have him dead to rights.

So he'll fold quick, and then we get back to what we were really doing... Axelrod.

Well, if you move on him and take that risk, you have to get the reward.

I said I know, Dad.

Suspect trading pattern on Pepsum Pharmaceuticals.

[Ari] Peter Decker, Quaker Ridge Financial.

We start with Decker since he had the longest tenure at Axe Capital of anyone who left with Axe's backing.

It also makes him very loyal to Axe, much harder to crack.

Get Terri McCue over at FBI up on this, too.

Do you know Cross-Co.?

Mid-size firm, has a big distribution contract with that bakery company, YumTime.

Wendy: You're the best PM on the floor. You know it.

They're f*cking sure of it.

Fucking-A.

You think you're gonna f*cking blackmail me?

Your hair, which will test positive for cocaine, can be in Chuck Rhoades' hands within an hour.

You're gonna watch, listen, and report.

Bobby: That's what this is all about, guys.

Not only how our firm survived 9/11, but how we didn't give up.

It's just wrong that you're the one standing there.

You know, like the idea that if someone has a problem with you and they come to you in person, you do what you can to take care of it.

But they take that beef public, the ground just falls out from beneath them where I'm from.

Are you threatening me?

f*cking right I am.

[The Dramatics' "Get Up & Get Down" playing]

man: Oh!

[grunting]

[June and man moaning]

Oh!

Oh!

♪ Come on ♪

Oh, I'm in the clubhouse turn.

[both continue moaning]

Ahh! Oh, Goddamn it.

[door creaks]

You want... you want a beer or something?

♪ Get up out of your seat ♪

Let's just f*ck.

♪ Get down, get up and move your feet ♪
♪ Come on and... ♪

[door closes]

Say that again.

[whispers] Let's just f*ck.

I don't make it a habit to sleep with my authors.

Too bad for them. [chuckles]

So this is the week, huh?

Your people break out the marketing plan for my book.

We're gonna make you into a best seller.

[inhales sharply] Mm.

Yeah.

I could do all the morning shows.

And you will.

[truck beeping, engine rumbling]

[hydraulics hiss, engine turns off]

Morning.

Ben: Hey, Axe.

[gate rumbles]

Scrumpet?

You ever eat these?

My parents own a deli in Kew Gardens.

We used to sell 'em.

You grew up in Queens?

We moved there when I was 9, from Korea.

Oh, you speak the language?

[wrapper crinkling]

[speaks Korean]

Good to know.

You worked in that deli?

Every morning, every afternoon, and I did the books on the weekends.

And then Stanford.

American dream. [chuckles]

Here's something they didn't teach you at Stanford, Ben.

Whenever you can, put a company in your mouth.

[wrapper crinkles]

[♪ ethereal music]

What do you think?

[mouth full] Not as good as I remember.

And that's a problem, 'cause I own a hell of a lot of these f*cking things and I'm about to own more.

[cellphone vibrating]

[sighs]

Yeah, Jack.

What time is it?

Okay.

Well, that's crazy.

Okay.

sh1t. Really?

f*ck.

Yeah, all right. Well, thanks for the heads up.

Ah...

[cellphone clatters]

[whispers] Son of a bitch.

[clears throat] Issue?

That was a courtesy call from an agent friend of mine working with the Eastern District.

Mm. Okay.

Last night, they arrested this hedge fund guy in Greenwich on securities and wire fraud.

Get to the part I'm gonna hate.

The guy works for Decker.

He's gonna flip on him to save his own ass.

[sniffs] Son of a bitch. What time is it?

5:50.

[groans]

[birds calling]

[Chuck clicking tongue]

Hmm?

[dog barks]

Come on.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Take it easy there, fella.

Excuse me, sir.

What?

You didn't clean up after your dog.

Yeah, I forgot the bag today.

[chuckles]

Oh, I don't think so because, you know, it's not just the statutory law, it's the law of civility, man.

And I've seen you before.

You come out of that building, your dog craps, and you just leave it where it falls.

Why don't you mind your business?

This is my business.

Oh, you're that guy.

I am that guy.

All right, well, do you have an extra bag?

No, no. See, I used mine.

Well, I'll get it next time.

No, I think you need to get it this time.

Why don't you let it slide?

"Let it slide."

That sounds simple, easy.

Sure, let it slide. That's just some dog sh1t.

But those are three devious little words.

You know, if... if I let your dog sh1t slide, then I have to be okay with this whole plaza filling up with it, which it would before we know it.

Oh, then it would be on our pant legs and our shoes, and we would track it into our homes, and then our homes would smell like sh1t, too.

It'd be easy to let it slide.

You know, why don't we, uh, why don't we let petty larceny slide, too?

Some kid steals five bucks from a newsstand? Who cares?

Well, maybe next time he decides to steal your TV or break into your brownstone and steal your f*cking wife.

But what difference does it make?

Because by then, we're all living in sh1t anyway.

Come on, man. I don't have a bag.

You have hands.

What?

Use your hands.

Or?

[sighs] Come on, man. Come on, buddy.

[cellphone vibrating]

There we go. Thattaboy.

That's the spirit.

Ugh.

Yeah?

man: Eastern's moved on Decker. They pinched one of his guys. Looks like he's cooperating.

He's gonna flip on Decker? Are you f*cking kidding me?

We... Goddamn it. Hold on. Hold on.

Sir, there's still some over here.

That's not Bobo's, man.

It is now.

f*ck. Really?

Yeah.

Well, if they have Decker...

[scoffs]

...then they have Axelrod, and we don't.

We know where this came from.

[sighs] It's f*cking Spyros.

Yeah, you know, while we're chasing down Birch, that glory hound gets Eastern to look into Decker.

[groaning]

Hold on just a second.

[thud]

Sir?

Thank you for doing your civic duty.

[scoffs]

Feels good, doesn't it?

[scoffs]

Okay.

woman: ♪ Make some time for YumTime ♪
♪ We're baking just for you ♪
♪ Scrumpets and Krumblettes ♪
♪ And Scribbleberries, too ♪

What up, big Steve?

♪ Every single crumb ♪
♪ You'll say yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! ♪

Good morning, Mr. Bailey.

Thank you, Cheryl.

♪ YumTime today ♪

[telephone rings]

Mr. Bailey's office.

♪ ...for yum yum ♪

woman: I have Mr. Purkheiser on the line.

[button clicks]

Thank you.

What do you say, Purk?

Word is, Bobby Axelrod is up to a 4.9% stake in YumTime.

Thanks for the heads up, Purk.

- Okay.

All right.

f*ck! Sh...

Cheryl, get in here!

Major Lazer: ♪ Major lazer ♪
♪ Jump up, jump up, jump up, yeah ♪
♪ Be advised, everybody thumbs up, yeah ♪
♪ Everyone, yes, bring your thumbs up, yeah ♪
♪ Everyone bring your thumbs up, hey ♪
♪ Jump up, jump up, jump up, yeah ♪
♪ Be advised, everybody thumbs up, yeah ♪
♪ Everyone, yes, bring your thumbs up, yeah ♪
♪ Everybody bring your thumbs up ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

And you know what ATM stands for, right?

Yes.

I don't wanna be the kind of person that gets off on that.

I really don't.

But... I've learned this, and it's one of the positives of getting older.

It's better to accept who I am than fight it.

Ass-to-mouth, by the way.

Just so that we are speaking the same language.

Oh, we are.

Sometimes on the drive home, I'll roll it over in my mind.

You know, what is it about a woman taking it into her mouth after a little raw-dogging that just seems so right?

And it's this... that I'm accepted as I am.

Completely.

For my good qualities, sure, but also for all... of my filth.

And I appreciate a woman who is that giving.

I truly do.

[inhales sharply] But there's more to it, isn't there?

The... act you're talking about has to do with power dynamics.

Dominance.

Maybe ask why this is coming up for you now.

Is there a work connection?

Someone you feel isn't looking at you like she should?

Maria Saldana. Wow.

What happened?

She was kind of a b*st*rd about her bonus at quarterly review, and then she went and got an offer away.

Yeah, but she's still here.

Yeah, but she threatened to leave, leveraging us to make a bigger offer, which we will, and I think she stays.

You feel played.

Yeah, I do.

Then why did you make her the counter if you feel that way? Because she's great at her job.

Her P&L's always green.

She grew her capital from 50 to $300 million.

Men renegotiate.

If they do it this way, they get fired.

So it's really not because she's a woman?

No, it's because she got out of line.

You know that we're upping Donnie Caan's capital... tripling it. I asked Axe why.

He said, "Donnie's loyal, a good soldier."

And in your mind, Maria's not.

It doesn't matter. I'll keep her.

You gonna tell me about that smile?

Well, I'll keep her, but she won't have much fun.

It's my duty to make an example of her now.

You cannot leverage us.

So over the next two years, she'll get cut back in ways she can't control.

She'll get less deal flow, less information will fall into her lap.

At the end of her deal, she'll be worth a quarter of her current comp.

[♪ dramatic music]

Ass-to-mouth, whether she likes it or not.

[indistinct conversations]

Hey, Christine.

Oh, hey, Lara.

I have you in the 10:00, right?

Yeah.

So you get the whole book tour treatment?

Local press, store signings?

Yes, all of that.

Oh, so fun. Hey, Lara.

Hi, ladies.

Congratulate June.

Oh, on what?

Goose Quill is publishing her memoir on how she got through 9/11.

Wow. Congratulations, June.

Yeah, it's just, you know, it's just a story I wanted to tell.

[chuckles]

So cool, right?

Yeah, super-duper.

Well, congrats again. Can't wait to read it.

[sighs softly]

[indistinct conversations continue]

[♪ pensive music]

Hi. It's Lara Axelrod for Shari Strang in communications.

[cellphone vibrates]

Lara, hey.

Hey, Shari.

Listen, I need you to get something for me.

This is more.

This is much more than...

I didn't come in here trying to get you to do what you're doing.

Well, if you had, I wouldn't be.

And it makes good sense.

Should make a pretty big difference to the family.

Game changer for us.

Bring Wags in?

Yeah.

Axe.

Yeah?

Thank you for your trust.

Thank you for earning it.

[door closes]

This is huge. I wanna thank you, too.

I told Donnie we've always known we could trust him.

It's official. We're gonna triple up his stack, back him with the main fund when we can.

He'll need one-on-ones, some IPOs, and another analyst.

Excellent. Shooter shooter, coming out.

Get started with 200,000 shares of Rubinex.

That's a big position. Are you sure?

We are not uncertain.

You're gonna be our Brian Doyle.

Who?

Brian Doyle.

He's a utility player on the '78 Yankees.

He's a lifetime .168 hitter.

That's below the Mendoza.

But in the '78 World Series, Willie Randolph got hurt, Doyle stepped in, hit .438, played like an MVP.

Legendary.

You're gonna be Brian Doyle.

I'm gonna be Brian Doyle.

Amelia, I know it's a high profile case.

But, uh, I'm building something here.

So can we horse trade?

Listening.

The Schachetti brothers.

You gonna give me the Schachetti brothers?

You like?

You propose to trade a high-flying hedge fund manager for a couple of old goombahs throwing elbows over garbage pickups in Queens?

Maybe, uh, you don't understand how horse trading works.

Uh, you don't open with your, uh...

You can't offer me your mule for my thoroughbred.

You're hoping I'm dumb enough to go for that.

So f*ck you and the horse you didn't ride in on.

[receiver thuds]

I think maybe she does understand horse trading.

[telephones ringing, indistinct conversations]

man: Just find it.

[indistinct conversations continue]

File you asked about.

What?

Sakurov cyber fraud case.

Oh, right. Thanks.

Any luck with the, uh, douche bags from Eastern?

[chuckles] Not yet.

Hey.

Hi.

Well, I, uh, heard from that agent over there and, uh, Decker's junior is being very cooperative.

Son of a bitch.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

[sighs]

All right, well, catch you later.

Yeah.

She's good, isn't she?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's important to develop good relationships with agents.

Oh, yeah, I know. You told me that first day.

Can't stress that enough.

So what's going on with Eastern?

Ah.

Spyros, the SEC, pulled a move on the Axelrod case.

What?

They got a guy to flip on Decker, one of Axelrod's spin-offs.

Pete Decker?

Yeah.

He's got a couple billion in assets under management.

Ties to Axelrod.

Mm, you wanted to flip him.

That was the plan.

You have all the leverage you need?

[chuckles] No such thing.

I'll grind on it.

Like, uh, Terri.

She looks like a real grinder.

[scoffs, chuckles]

As members of the board of YumTime...

Gathered informally.

...you must wanna know if my acquiring almost 5% of your company is a vote of confidence.

So let me put an end to the suspense... it isn't.

Mr. Axelrod is prepared to increase his position and file with the SEC.

In addition to its stake, Axe Capital controls a significant percentage of the silent money votes in this company.

Which means, come proxy season, there's a road for all of you being out on your asses.

It's all in the letter, which can be released publicly.

We're all aware of activist letters, and Mr. Axelrod's history with such.

A seat at the table and a say in management decisions.

Based on what?

The fact that YumTime profits have declined 8 years running, while executive compensation has soared 300%.

And Hutch Bailey III has been CEO for exactly that span of time.

I'm not here as a declaration of war, but as a beacon of hope... someone who knows how a business should be run, who sees exactly why your brand is bleeding market share, from the ingredients to the marketing.

You are in a room full of career business operators.

Absolutely.

And I've been made to understand that you're the reasonable board members who see how tenuous the future of YumTime is.

We could be as reasonable as Phil Donahue, wouldn't change a thing.

Hutch Bailey III is the CEO and will be until he decides otherwise.

The Bailey family is YumTime. YumTime is the Bailey family.

As the majority of the board of directors, you can change all of that in an instant.

Our chairman, Jerome Purkheiser, is a wise and smart man.

And he has been like a second father to Hutch once Hutch II passed on.

And I do not think Purk would look upon this in a friendly way at all.

So leave your letter.

Put it on a billboard if you want.

This meeting's over.

[♪ tense music]

So it's all about Purkheiser. Now we know that for sure.

Yeah. Did you see her react?

I did.

[horn honks in distance]

woman: I am exposed here. [sighs]

This board seat gives me my own standing and $200,000 in income.

Seats are always at risk during a takeover.

You'll be fine.

I don't wanna hear those words from you until you divorce Betty f*cking Crocker.

Cut the screen test, Evelyn. Let me read the goddamn letter.

[siren wailing in distance]

Jesus, really?

"Hutch Bailey has betrayed the consumer and his own legacy by tampering with the recipe"?

The product tastes fine.

This isn't about the product.

Bobby Axelrod knows about you and me.

What? How?

[glass thuds]

Not sure. But I'm impressed.

He knows how important your happiness is to me, so he's making us his brushback pitch to my son.

It's nice handiwork.

We've got to stop it.

He cannot get on a winning streak.

What are we gonna do?

I gave you my board seat, so I don't have a voice.

But here's what you can do.

You can talk to Jerome Purkheiser.

And say what?

You're a persuasive woman.

Persuade him to ride this thing out and block it.

They're lobbying him.

You should lobby him.

Okay, I'll go talk to him.

Well, not now.

Why not?

Honey, I took a pill.

[vehicles passing]

[door closes]

Hey, Lara.

Did you get it?

Yep.

How'd you do that so fast?

I know an editor at Goose Quill.

His kid's a bass player, and I promised his band a Pitchfork piece.

Amazing.

Hey, Lar. Wanna try a morel and asparagus beggar's purse?

Totally.

Lu, Shari. Shari, Lu.

Oh, the sister.

Yeah, the sister. Hey.

Eat that.

Oh, my God. That is insane.

She farms 'em, I charms 'em.

I could eat that, like, every day.

That's my sis.

So I skimmed. I learned a thing or two.

I didn't know Axe was a doctor.

A what?

Stanford.

Oh, the honorary.

Yeah, we made a pretty big gift.

[dish clinks in distance]

Lara, take a look at chapter ten.

It's a problem.

[chair thuds]

[♪ tense music]

[door closes]

No, I'm... I'm sure that the kids will have a wonderful time.

Listen, I really do need to run.

Yeah, okay. Bye.

[receiver thuds]

Lonnie.

Chuck. What's up?

Uh, do you happen to catch the science section on Tuesday?

I may have skipped it.

Mm. I never miss a word.

Anyway, uh, there was a piece on microbial research.

It's a burgeoning field.

And this MIT team was looking into apoptosis.

There are cells within me and you and other complex organisms that will actually sacrifice themselves for the whole.

Healthy cells just kind of... [chuckles]

Taking one for the team.

What?

Statue of Liberty attempted bombing case needs to come off your plate.

I'm sorry?

Eastern needs that case.

No. That's a dagger.

I have this.

I've been doing this for two years around the clock.

Oh, believe me, I know, and I see that.

But it really can't be helped.

Besides, you're still gonna be on the case.

What the f*ck?

You're cross-designating me to Eastern?

Like you said, you've been working on it for two years.

They're gonna need your expertise.

Yeah, I'm gonna do all the scut work.

They're gonna try the case and get the good stuff.

I'll make it up to you.

You gotta give me a reason.

I'm making parlay with Eastern and I need big wampum.

[sighs deeply]

So I'm supposed to what, just grab my ankles and take it?

I'll send over a vat of ass lube.

[pats back] Chuck.

What's the difference between ass lube or regular lube?

Viscosity.

f*ck, Wend.

[chuckling]

I never get used to how you live.

Yeah.

You know, I can see why you made the choice that you did.

E.R., it's binary.

They come in bleeding to death, I get them back on the rails inside of a day.

Or not. Either way, it's done.

I'm forced to move on to the next, to be present.

It's satisfying.

I'm an adrenaline junkie anyway.

Well, we're both addicts.

This thing I do...

[scoffs] I get so f*cking turned on doing it because I see the change happen immediately, too.

They go from zero to 100, and I can watch exactly how they use what I give them.

Yeah, but something about it is not sitting right with you.

You're in the horns of a dilemma.

Horns... of a... dilemma.

There's this woman. [sighs]

She's a real badass. I like her a lot.

And I know she's about to get crushed, and the guy who's gonna crush her is my patient, too.

All these people matter to me, and I can't do my job if I judge them.

Do the triage.

Figure out who needs what more and go that way.

That's the short-term fix.

Long term? This sh1t is gonna give you ulceritis.

[scoffs]

Worse.

Talk to Chase, the headhunter.

Hmm. That guy you...

Yeah, we had a little thing. It was years ago.

You were kinda into him.

Mm-hmm.

He was... fun.

Good at certain things, if I recall.

Very conscientious.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Someone's gotta talk to Purkheiser.

He made his money in meat processing.

Feared by the bovine.

Kills over a million cows a year.

He's been described to me as a cool-headed Midwesterner who can smell bullshit in the colon of a bull from across the ranch.

[scoffs] Wanna try him?

I can't do that. He's folksy.

So?

I've tried with folksy people.

They find me to be a rapacious scumbag.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but...

I don't think it's just the folksy people.

How 'bout you?

You're my rapacious scumbag.

This is what love is.

[Muzak playing over telephone] ♪

They put me on f*cking hold?

Yeah, a man of your stature.

Damn right. Man of my imperious...

You ready to sweet talk me?

Statue of Liberty bombing attempt.

I don't know.

Oh, yes, you do.

This story's front page of the Times, above the fold, and the case is solid.

One condition.

Shoot.

Ari Spyros is embedded with you.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

No, you can't saddle me with that useless douche bag.

[mouths word]

Take or leave?

Done.

We'll send the transcript right over.

Good.

Ari: Chuck, it's Ari.

Looking forward to working with you again.

[inhales deeply]

Hey. Spyros.

I'm glad you heard all that.

And I promise, I'd have said that to your f*cking face, which always reminds me of a confused dog.

[children shout playfully, man speaking indistinctly]

Bryan: That's Decker.

[children continue shouting playfully]

[air brakes hiss]

That's him.

Seems like a real family man.

Nice guy?

What?

I don't give a sh1t.

Ah.

"Good father? f*ck you."

"f*ck you. Go home and play with your kids."

[both chuckle]

[boy speaks indistinctly]

Okay, okay, okay. No.

Actually, I feel a little bit bad doing it this way.

Yeah, me, too. Let the kids clear.

That's goddamn decent of you.

It's f*cking hot.

boy: All right, bye, Dad.

Pete: All right.

See you later, bud.

Bye, Daddy. Love you.

Love you, too.

All right, now.

Go now.

[car doors open]

[car doors close]


Hi, Pete.

[♪ slow-tempo electronic music]

Mr. Decker, Bryan Connerty with the U.S. Attorney's office, Southern District.

We have an awful lot to talk about.

[♪ slow-tempo music]

Okay. [sighs]

It isn't flattering.

Looking at some pretty serious reputational damage here.

Hmm, you think?

Is it a defamation case? I don't know. You tell me.

How much is true?

He made some shrewd trades around 9/11.

You know, he did what he had to do.

My husband plays hardball.

Nobody makes billions of dollars pitching underhand.

But his work situation beforehand, what he did after, incendiary.

[dishes clatter]

So what do you recommend?

Three avenues... let her print, then we rebut and sue.

And I'm not recommending that.

People remember allegations, not rebuttals.

Exactly. Someone says Charlie f*cked a goat, even if the goat denies it, he goes to the grave "Charlie the goat fucker."

Second option... buy the publishing company and kill it.

That's too loud, I think.

Agreed.

The third choice...

I could go and try and reason with her.

[chuckles]

No, I reasoned with that twat once before. [exhales]

I have ways to get her attention.

Hi. I'm in the 8:15 with Steffi.

Um, I don't have you on my list.

I booked online.

There must be some sort of mix up.

Your name didn't make it into the system.

Okay.

Hey, June.

Um...

Lilly, Jane, Patricia... you're all set.

woman: Thanks, Christine. I gotta change.

Um, can you just, like, squeeze me in?

Sorry. It's policy.

Everything okay, June?

Yeah, everything's fine. I... oh, God.

[chuckles] A doctor. I totally forgot. I'm late.

[sighs heavily]

They're on their way.

Good.

[door closes]

Are you wearing cologne?

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

So... ground rules.

I'll do all of the talking.

"We have someone else that made the same pharmaceutical trade."

First one in gets a lollipop.

But to be clear, we don't really have anyone?

To be clear, I am making a play.

That's what I like to call "the prisoner's dilemma."

No, you don't like to call it that. That's what it's called.

Started as a thought experiment, game theory in the '50s.

Does no one ever check you on this bullshit?

I'm just saying, I would've made the same play.

[door opens]

woman: Mr. Decker, sir?

[clears throat]

[♪ tense music]

I think everyone knows why we're here.

We're ready to listen.

Well... we have you on the Pepsum trade.

You know that.

So why don't you tell us about how Bobby Axelrod funneled you and other satellites insider information?

You're saying words I don't understand.

Never gonna happen.

What he's saying is, at this time, he does not wish to cooperate.

That's because he doesn't know what we have up our sleeve.

Sleeves.

Mr. Decker, approximately two and a half hours ago, we had someone sitting where you are now... a young man from a fund that I'm not at liberty to name, and he was downright chatty. [exhales]

So it looks like the race is on to see who's got the stronger information and who I'm gonna let take the credit for flipping on Bobby Axelrod.

And the winner gets to stay out of MCC.

Yes, that's correct.

Cooperate and go home.

Uh, but this comes to trial, and you're talking to your kids through glass.

We'll see how that all works out.

Yes, we will.

We're done here.

Oh, you are far from done.

Just know that.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[sighs]

f*ck.

I don't see him caving.

Mm, I think he will.

[laughs]

You know, my f*cking eyes are watering here.

How many pints of that shitty toilet water do you splash on yourself every morning, Spyros?

You think maybe it's gonna help you get some tail?

Here's a tip... it's not.

[door opens]

[door closes]

It is a lot in a confined area.

I cut back a little.

Yeah, maybe cut way back.

[horn honks in distance, vehicles passing]

[sports game playing on TV]

[smacks lips] So?

It's a good slice of pizza.

Bruno.

What is it, Bobby?

Tell Mr. Purkheiser why I love your sauce.

Uh, I use the San Marzanos.

Tomatoes.

Yeah, yeah, tomatoes.

You make 'em without 'em, it wouldn't taste right.

Right. More expensive?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But like I say, it wouldn't taste right.

Wouldn't be verace.

Verace?

The true way you make a pizza Napoletana.

This place is the pizza of my youth.

He's been making it just like this since I was a kid.

You know... [clears throat]

Normally, somebody wants to waltz with me, I find myself sawing a 20-ounce rib eye on the East Side with a $500 Cabernet.

I am different from the other children.

Mm, well, that is clear now, Mr. Axelrod.

[clears throat] When I was 11 years old till I was 14, I was a paperboy.

I delivered the Journal News every day after school.

And when I finished my route, I'd pick up a YumTime Scrumpet.

It was my reward.

I did this every weekday for three years.

And a while back, I brought my two boys here.

And I showed them my route, we stopped for a Scrumpet, and they were colorless, over-sweet, petrified.

Needless to say, my two boys were underwhelmed.

So was I.

Didn't taste as good.

So I did some research, and I learned that the recipe had changed.

Bruno!

What's the name of those tomatoes again?

Uh, the San Marzanos.

Bruno never let me down.

YumTime let me down.

Public company now.

Gotta boost profits for the shareholders.

Synthetic ingredients are cheaper, margins are better.

Hutch III is playing a quarterly game.

It's just a different world.

Well, Hutch III is flying around that different world in a G6.

I'm guessing Hutches I and II flew coach.

It's classic, time immemorial...

Hutch I starts it, Hutch II grows it, Hutch III blows it.

Shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations.

Come on, Purk. You have to see that.

If you don't throw in with me or someone like me, YumTime goes the same way as Ebinger's.

What's Ebinger's?

That's exactly what you wanted me to ask, isn't it?

[indistinct conversations]

Hi, Mark.

Ms. Raichlein.

I have a 10:20 tee time, but we wanna hit the range first.

And I requested Stewart on my bag.

Yeah, um, Mr. Kellum from the membership committee wanted to speak with you.

Oh, okay. Um... [huffs] is he in his office?

No, he stepped out.

Well, then, I'll pop back in after the round.

I had to give away your tee time.

Uh, what are you talking about?

I don't really know.

Something about your account being in arrears.

[laughs]

That is not true. My bookkeeper... [scoffs]

There has been a mistake.

Well, you can't play golf till it's been resolved.

[sighs]

[pounds on table]

Meeting to order.

Let the record reflect that two guests are present...

Mr. Robert Axelrod, shareholder, and Mr. Michael Wagner. Welcome, gentlemen.

Now I think we're all familiar with Mr. Axelrod, by reputation and through the letter that was circulated.

And I feel that this might be a good time to hear directly from him. Mr. Axelrod?

Thank you.

Folks, my proposal is simple.

Return to the original recipes and restore the YumTime brand to its former glory.

And then what?

After a good quarter or two, you spin it off?

Do you see what's happening here?

This... [sighs] carpetbagger, he comes in here, he shakes things up, he sells the company off in pieces, and then he dumps his shares the minute it ticks up.

He's a raider, plain and simple.

Not my intention.

Do you have any idea of the cost of returning to the old recipes?

We can't remain competitive.

Yes, sugar instead of corn syrup, and the elimination of polysorbate and other crap will add to the per unit cost and cut into the margins.

And destroy profits.

How do we explain that to the shareholders?

No explanation necessary.

We make up the difference by streamlining inefficiencies and trimming bloated executive compensation and perquisites, beginning with the corporate jet.

Okay, you have a jet.

I earned a jet.

I earned one, too.

I started at the bottom.

And the Scrumpets taste fine.

You came on as a 22-year-old vice president and you raped the Scrumpet.

I eat them. I eat Scrumpets and Dingdoodles and Kookoonutties, and they are good.

They're not as good.

But they're still very, very good. Delicious.

Listen to me.

I move that effective immediately, Hutchinson Bailey III be removed from his duties as Chief Executive Officer of the YumTime corporation.

Hang on a minute here! Purk, you're being conned!

[lowered voice] Jerome, this is not what we discussed.

Evelyn, there have been subsequent discussions.

Is there a second?

Second.

All those in favor?

[♪ tense music]

Motion carries.

You traitor.

My father is turning in his grave, I assure you.

Your father thought you were a lunkhead.

Please, find the door.

f*ck this.

I'll get my company back... somehow.

And f*ck you, Axelrod.

Well, now you're off my Christmas list.

[door opens]

I now move... [door closes] ...to remove Evelyn Benson from this body and delegate her seat to Robert Axelrod.

What?!

Lifson: Second.

[♪ dance music]

I'll go to the press.

If you do, you'll be burned down with your own match.

But if you don't, we'll write you a nice endorsement, and maybe you'll get another board.

[sighs] You old cocksucker.

The same might be said of you, my dear.

All those in favor?

Motion carries.

Good luck, Evelyn.

[♪ slow-tempo electronic dance music ♪]

[door slams]

They offered me what I'm worth. Finally.

[sighs] That's great.

I leveraged the offer from Zenobia capital.

The kinder, gentler fund.

What are they like?

Good returns, less assholey.

Less assholey is good.

Okay. Talk to me.

You have time?

Yeah, come on.

All right.

[sighs]

So the more I thought about going over to Zenobia, the more excited I became by the prospect.

I mean, I'd have to build up a book again, but...

But there's a growth opportunity.

And a ticket out of the boys' club.

Yeah.

But then, uh...

Wags... he really stepped up.

He was respectful, endearing... almost.

Yeah, it's kinda weird, but it gave rise to a sense of loyalty.

Go figure, right?

He's an enigma.

So now I'm in a dilemma again.

Yep. The horns.

Close your eyes.

[sighs]

Picture yourself... at 80 years old.

You're at your Sag Harbor place, on the front porch in a rocking chair.

See the view.

Hear the sound of the water, the seagulls.

Feel the summer breeze.

And feel the arm of the chair as you slowly rock.

Now reflect on your life having decided to stay here at Axe Capital.

Your relationships here, your chances... to advance, to be fulfilled.

[exhales slowly]

What are your days like?

[♪ pensive music]

Now... picture yourself having spent that time with Zenobia.

Who are you with?

What are your days like?

Were you able to rise?

Did you become a better version of yourself?

[inhales deeply]

[exhales slowly]

Take your time.

[breathing heavily] I'm sorry. I'm...

I'm having trouble breathing here.

I-I-I don't understand. My solar plexus is collapsing.

What do you mean there is no place for him?

His father, who died tragically, went to Stanford.

And so did his grandfather, who has his name on a squash court.

He plays the goddamn violin.

This is a double legacy with perfect SATs who goes into Bridgeport to read to poor, dumb children!

I mean, what the f*ck happened?!

man: June, you know how sorry we are about this.

This is just a very competitive class.

What about a gap year? Or what is his safety school?

His safety school is f*ck you! [grunts]

[crying]

[horn blaring]

I hate that c**t! I hate that c**t! I hate that c**t! I hate that c**t!

[horn continues blaring ]

I hate that c**t!

Chuck: Dad?

In my office.

Hi. Where's Mom?

Hair appointment.

I'm taking her out tonight to Grenouille for our anniversary.

Mm.

But she set us up with some gazpacho.

[clicks tongue]

She made some guacamole as well.

Avocado's a superfood.

Hmm?

YumTime and Bobby f*cking Axelrod.

This is aimed at you.

How is that?

He's sending you a message, showing you his reach.

[chuckles] That he knows my father has a mistress?

Don't use that word here, and yes.

If he can take away her board seat just to f*ck with me...

Then he can get to me a million other ways, Dad.

[chuckles] I've dealt with the Russians.

I think I can handle this.

Can you?

What the f*ck do you want me to do about it?

He made a legal business play, and, uh, that's costing you some headaches, which is too f*cking bad.

It's gonna cost me $200,000 in upkeep is what it's gonna cost me, but you have to ask yourself...

[crunching]

What is he gonna attack next?

[♪ tense music]

Now find a way... [exhales deeply] ...to bury the son of a bitch.

I am, but on my timetable, not yours.

Your timetable will have me watching your gubernatorial campaign from my f*cking mausoleum.

I have to do this job right first before I even have a chance at the next one.

Ah, agreement. We both wish you'd do your f*cking job now.

Guac is starting to turn.

Uh...

Tell your mail carrier that, uh, I'm terribly sorry about her board seat.

And tell Mom, your wife, that I said happy anniversary.

Roxy Music: ♪ You've got me, girl, on the run around ♪
♪ Run around ♪
♪ You've got me all around town ♪
♪ You've got me, girl, on the run around ♪
♪ And it's getting me down ♪
♪ Getting me down ♪
♪ Lady... ♪

Wags: There she goes.

Yep.

♪ Then you look no further ♪

I really am gonna miss her energy.

♪ For I'm gonna be your only ♪

[sniffs]

[door opens]

[door closes]

Off to the Yankees game?

Don Pasquale.

Ah. Ambrogio Maestri.

I heard his Falstaff.

You're in for a real treat.

So Decker's parents... a retired eighth grade teacher and a sales clerk... their net worth is eight figures.

But all of their statements go to their son's address.

Decker personally trades their accounts.

Which kind of puts them in his leaky boat.

What are they like?

Total straight and narrow, church-going conservatives.

[exhales sharply]

Well, that's a tidy leverage opportunity.

[♪ tense music]

I wonder if the parents even know about it.

They could be totally innocent here.

Do we really wanna do 'em like this?

We apply pressure where and when we can.

Now he made them vulnerable, not us.

We're just hitting the hole in the line.

Right.

How'd you come up with that?

Just thought about what I would do if I were a trader in his position, how I would hide some of the money.

The Swiss banks are watched too closely now.

He doesn't trust his wife, and, uh, his parents aren't sophisticated investors.

Good hunch.

[folder thuds]

Yeah, what are you working on right now?

Internet fraud case.

Ah. I bet that's f*cking boring.

[chuckles] No, it's... I mean, it's not, um...

Yeah, actually, it is. It's f*cking boring.

[chuckles] Why don't you skip Don Pasquale and join us on this opera buffa? What do you say?

f*ck, yes.

Hi, June. Come on in.

No, um, I can't stay, but thanks for making some time.

I realized that I skipped a step.

[chuckles] I didn't show you the manuscript.

This is a revised version.

I, um, I cut a chapter, and I made some minor edits here and there.

And I would be curious to hear your opinion.

Great. Can't wait to read it.

Great. Thanks.

[insects chirping in distance]

And, um, if you would like me to sign a nondisclosure about the stuff that I cut...

Would you?

That would be lovely. Thank you.

[exhales]

Oh, and, June, I spoke to Carl Belanger at Stanford...

The president.

Yeah, and, um, there seems to be a mix-up.

A mix-up?

Yeah, the weighting they gave certain categories of your son's application, they were inputted incorrectly.

And I believe corrections are being made.

I have a very good feeling that he'll get accepted.

Congratulations.

[exhales deeply]

I don't know how to thank you.

[dog barking in distance]

[♪ electronic music]

[door creaks]

[electricity humming]

[heels clacking on floor]

[exhales deeply]

[humming continues]

Are you ready to serve?

[device turns off]

What is going on?

You are not here with me.

[muffled voice, speaks indistinctly]

[exhales sharply]

I'm sorry. I just can't concentrate.

Really? This makes cattle concentrate.

The whole point is this keeps you in the present.

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Oh, there's, um...

Oh, God. I can't believe I'm even talking about this.

What?

[sighs heavily]

[♪ pensive music]

Axe is...

[sighs] Jesus. Forget it.

No.

[exhales deeply]

He's f*cking with my father, and that's in my head, Wend, which has to be what Axe wants.

He's a target because of me, you know?

Your father can handle himself.

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

[click, electricity resumes humming]

I'm gonna leave you to stew in it.

[whispers] Okay.

And when I get back, you better be focused and obedient.

Have... [zapping] I...made... myself... clear?

Yes. Yeah. Very clear.

[electricity continues humming]

Stay here.

[device turns off]

And wait for your mistress to return.

[door opens and slams]

Ah. [sighs]

[touchscreen clicking ]

Boys asleep?

Just about. Read a couple of chapters.

We're at a good part.

Fun.

That Dolores Umbridge sure is a bitch.

[tablet clicks]

Oh, yeah.

I have something for you.

She wrote a book?

Yes, she did.

Am I in it?

You were. Details about a certain time at the beginning of the century that very few people know about.

And?

She made some cuts.

At your suggestion?

She was resistant at first, but she came around to my way of thinking.

[manuscript thuds]

You deserve a Nobel Prize, you know that?

No prize necessary.

[The Dramatics' "Your Love Was Strange" playing] ♪
♪ Your love came down on me ♪
♪ Pitter patter, fall on me ♪
♪ Right out of nowhere ♪
♪ And, oh, so suddenly ♪

[cellphone vibrating]

Wendy: I'm so happy for you.

It feels right.

Thank you.

So what's the minimum investment for family and friends?

Uh, $250,000, but I promised I wouldn't take any money away from Axe.

What if he never finds out?

Patient/doctor in reverse?

Yeah.

Count me in for 250.

Done.

Thanks.


♪ Right out of nowhere, like a shooting star above ♪
♪ I was so thrilled ♪
♪ With the new love that I found ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ And you plan to see ♪
♪ That too many are tearing me down ♪
♪ Your love was strange, oh, baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ Your love was strange, strange ♪
♪ Doo, Doo, Doo, I said... ♪

What happened?

Sorry, honey. I just...

Oh, don't worry about it.

Want me to undo you?

Yeah, thanks.

♪ The next time you turn your back on me ♪
♪ There's someone in my place ♪
♪ Then you take your love away from me ♪
♪ Your love was strange, oh, baby... ♪

So you wanna just watch TV and eat ice cream?

Yeah, perfect.

There's butter pecan.

I'm gonna go down in a minute and get it soft.

[cheers, whistle, and applause]

man: Play ball! Come on!

[crowd shouting indistinctly]

man: Ball!

Pete: Yeah, good eye, Teddy! You're the man, baby!

You see it, you stroke it, you're the man.

Hey, Coach.

Beautiful day for a ball game.

Really?

Really.

[boy shouts indistinctly]

Is there something you want?

'Cause your lame sh1t won't work here any better than it did in your office.

Aren't there rules about you approaching me without my lawyer present?

It's okay, Pete.

I'm not here for you. Take it easy.

man: Ball two!

[crowd groaning and shouting indistinctly]

It was nice that Karen and Bill come out to see their grandson play.

It'll be a little awkward when we handcuff them and haul them off.

man: Strike!

[crowd groaning and shouting indistinctly]

boy: Come on, Ted!

[man shouts indistinctly]

Strike two!

I don't know. That looked a little low to me.

Anyway, we got a subpoena on your folks' investment portfolio and it seems that they were in on the Pepsum trade, among others.

And I know and you know that was not a legal trade.

And they'll say that they didn't know, that they're innocent.

But hey, that's what they all say.

This is not right.

Yeah.

Right and wrong. That's a funny line, isn't it?

man: Ball!

[crowd groaning]

But you know what is kind of wrong?

This being Saturday, we bring them in, the courts aren't open, so it's gonna be a sleepover situation.

They don't deserve that.

But that's what they're gonna f*cking get.

[man shouts indistinctly]

Yeah, I'll come in on Monday.

Yes, you will.

Way to go, Teddy! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

[crowd shouting and cheering]

Take third! Take third, John!

Okay, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

Good thing you held your player.

They had him dead to rights.

[crowd shouting indistinctly]

[Edwin Starr's "War" playing] ♪

Pete: You rock, Teddy! You run on anything!

♪ War, huh ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ What is it good for? ♪
♪ Absolutely nothing ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
♪ War, huh ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ What is it good for? ♪
♪ Absolutely nothing ♪
♪ Say it again, y'all ♪
♪ War, huh ♪
♪ Good God ♪
♪ What is it good for? ♪
♪ Absolutely nothing ♪
♪ Listen to me, oh, war ♪
♪ I despise ♪
♪ 'Cause it means destruction of innocent lives ♪
♪ War means tears to thousands of mother's eyes ♪
♪ When their sons go off to fight and lose their lives ♪
♪ I said war, huh ♪
♪ Good God, y'all ♪
♪ What is... ♪