01x01 - The Interview (Pilot)

323 to 584.

You watch "Castle" last night?

No. Melissa had the flu.

Ooh. Can I tell you one thing?

Uhuh, no spoilers, man.

Excuse me.

What the--

Excuse me. How much for s*x with both of you, hmm?

Also, I'd like to report a stolen pony.

[spits] Come on, Ice Cream, let's go!


♪ We're too gangsta for TV ♪
♪ That's why you don't see us ♪
♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

Yes, I'm on my way to the interview, Mom.

Yeah, of course I brushed the back of my hair.

Oh, shoot. Hey, Mom, can you Google whether someone can repossess your car while you're still driving it?

Yeah, but he's still behind me.

I'm on the phone, sir!

Just remember, this is temporary.

This is temporary. This is temporary.

This is temporary. This is temporary.

Hi, um, I'm Billie Brown.

I'm here for the babysitter position.

Oh, um, uh...

Yo soy--

You're the babysitter?

I'm here for the interview,sí.

Yes,sí. Yes.

I'll follow you.


And is this where you put her?

Yes, in the sitting room.

Hello, hello!



This is our home. Can you believe it?

No, that's great. Hi.

Please, sit.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

It's Wilhelmina, right?

Oh, or Billie. Most people call me Billie.

Or Bobbie?

Well, no.

This is my lovely wife, Tanzy, and I'm Kent.

Russell, yes.

I just read an article about your new hybrid sports car line.

It's so interesting to read about--

It makes me uncomfortable when people tell me things I already know about myself.

So we looked over your résumé.

Very impressive. Harvard.

Both: Wow.


Oh, thank you, but it makes me uncomfortable when people tell me things I already know about myself.

[chuckles] I don't understand.


Tanzy, do you understand?

No, I was just thinking about Danny DeVito.

"Twins." [both laugh]

It's funny.

Um, as you probably also noticed, I don't have a ton of nannying experience, but I love kids.

I'm sure I'd get along great with your daughter.

Oh, she's not mine.

I've never been pregnant.

I wouldn't be able to drive.


Oh, that-- Is that her?

Wesley Snipes.

Yeah, it is.

Can I be honest with you, Bill?

You know, my--my-- my daughter's a great gal, but she had some trouble with school.

Uh, that's great.

I taught in grad school, so I could tutor her.

Oh, that's perfect.


I mean, she has to pass her GED.

I'm sorry?

It was part of the deal I worked out with the judge.

Judge--What judge--

Now, my daughter has-- How do I put this?

A criminal past... present.

You know, I probably should just let you two meet.

Oh, hey. There she is.

[rap music]

♪ All this money, all this money ♪
♪ What am I gonna do with all this money? ♪
♪ All this money, all this money ♪
♪ What am I gonna do with all this money? ♪

Oh, [bleep] shoot!

Am I late?

No, no.

I wanted to make a good first impression.

Is this her? She's gorgeous.

Is this your natural skin? Can I touch it?

Yeah, no, no.

It's okay. I like guys.

Oh, who are you?

This is my daughter, Genevieve.

This is Bobbie.

Oh, you can call me Gene.

Like Eugene Levy, but just the Gene part.

I thought you said your daughter was seven?

Oh, she caught us.

Oh, she caught us, didn't she, Tanzy?

This is a joke.

I don't know.

Yeah, we may have fudged the age a little bit in the ad.

When we said "babysitter," we meant more of a "court-appointed guardian."

Is that an ankle monitor?


Is that...

both: An ankle monitor?

Is that an ankle monitor?

Oh, my gosh. I can do a spot-on impression of her.

Yep. Yep.

Okay, I don't have the background with criminal--

Come on, Bill. You never had any trouble with the law?

No, no, no.

I-I-I jaywalked once to save a hurt bird.


What are you doing?

See? You're practically twins.


It'll be, like, constantly having a gal-pal to hang around with, like "s*x and the City."

Ooh, I'll be Phoebe.

I look the most like her. You have to give it to me.

That's "Friends."

Hire her.

Oh, I should check this out first.

What are you doing? No, no, no!

I'm just making sure we don't have a Mrs. Doubtfire situation on our hands.


Bobbie, I'm sorry.

She just saw "Mrs. Doubtfire."

That's okay. I got to go wash my neighbor's house.


Robert, I've written a number on this piece of paper.

I think the number might change your mind.

Okay, thank you, Mr. Russell.

The number's what I'd pay you.

Yes, I got that. Thank you very much.


[sighs] Aah!


Oh, my God.


How much money it is?

I'm an academic.

Yeah, I mean, I would technically be teaching her, but, no.

No, you know what?

I'll sell my hair. That's something people do.

Yeah, I'll cut off my hair, and I'll sell it.

I will persevere.

I don't need money.

I mean, how much could it possibly be?

Holy [bleep]! [crash]

[air hissing]

Hey, Billie!

I thought about it. You can be Phoebe.</body></html>

[classical music playing]


What are you doing?

Oh, my God.

Sorry, I was just unpacking, listening to Beethoven.

The dog?

Uh, no. The composer.

Deaf. Never mind.

Oh, my gosh, you look so good with short hair.

Oh, that's--

You should totally rock this again.

That's not me.

That's my--my boy-- my ex-boyfriend, actually.

We're on hiatus. I shouldn't--

Gosh, me too.



I mean, we were, and then he got together with Mariah Carey.

But I think that's off.

Are you talking about Nick Cannon?

I don't want to talk about it.

Point is, it's tough to find someone who measures up to your dad, right?

What is this?

It's from Mexico. It's an antique.

Can I put it on for a second?

Is this cool?

It's not clothes.

Oh, my God. It fits.

I should totally have this.

Yeah, I'll hang on to it for you.

Oh, yeah. You can borrow it, sure.

Thank you.

You really love your dad, huh?

Yeah, he's the frickin' best.

Are you kidding me?

He, like, bails me out when I'm in trouble, and he gets me cool stuff, and he totally did a commercial with a monkey.

My grandfather died in those.

Can I?

[cell phone ringing]

Oh, sh-

The acting monkey was like, "Places and set."

Uh, Moishe's Gold Emporium.

Back to one.

Moishe's Gold Emporium. Uh, wrong number.

I know this before we even talk. Shalom.

Oh, my gosh.

Was that a prank in reverse?

I'm in. I'm totally in. What do I do?

No, I'm-- You're not in.

I'm evading my student loan payments.


I mean, if you owe 'em money, you just pay it.

Yeah, but I don't have it.


Very funny.

Can I have--

This scarf doesn't work.

It's not a scarf. It's dashiki pants.


It's traditional African garb.

Can I please--

Is there something in your mouth?

My tongue and my teeth.

It's like you're allergic to saying 'em.

"Daishiki." How do you say it?


Can I please--

Oh, can I have this?

Oh, yeah.

These actually I do want you to pick up.

These are these really fun aptitude tests I found that I think we're gonna start out with.

Wait, start me off with what? What are you talking about?

For prepping for the GED.


You got me again.

You're good. Burn, sister.

Zzz-zzz. You're on fire.

'Cause you're here to be my friend.

That's why you were hired.

No, I'm being paid to be your teacher.


That's not funny to joke about.

Are your parents going somewhere?

I don't--

I just got here. They can't--

Mr. Russell. Mr. Russell.

Oh, hey, Bill. How's the guesthouse?

Oh, it's great.

Are you leaving? Where are you going?

I don't know-- You [bleep] my dragons?

Aww. She took her Ambien too early.

No, we are going to Japan for three days for a breathing workshop.

Yeah, I'm confident you can handle everything.

Just make Gene stays out of trouble.

You're leaving?

Oh, forgot to tell you.

Quick, come give me a hug.

[ankle monitor beeping]

Oh, kiddo.

I'll get you next time.

Air hug.

Yeah, let's go, Blaine.

No, but wait. I don't know what I'm doing.

Busy guy, huh?

Yeah, he's the best.

You know, school doesn't technically start till Monday.

It is Saturday.


Maybe you could have a couple friends over, pop in a movie-- real chill, low-key style.

Yeah. I mean, I could be down with that.



Call me Beethoven, 'cause I can't hear you!

[all cheering] Gene!

You said this was just gonna be a couple of fr--

♪ Let 'em know we're here ♪
♪ We going all out ♪

Oh, my God. Okay.

Guys, take whatever you want.

Whatever you can carry, you can take.

Okay. Hey, Gene.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Huh? No.

Ow! That's my bicep!

My bicep hurts.

Hey, I just wanted to say this is a really cool party.

Someone puked in my hair. I'm having a really fresh time.

Oh, cool. Nice. Really?

No, not really.

Someone puked in my hair.

I'm not having a fresh time.

That's a wonderful thing to happen.

It's like a bird [bleep] on you. It's good luck.

If you don't get rid of these people, I'm gonna call the police.


Okay, well, calling the police would be the least fresh thing you could do.

Do you hear me? Top of the list.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Um, are you okay?

Yes, I will sleep with you.

What? No, no.

Why does everyone want to touch my face?

Hey, bud. How's it going?

I didn't know you were here.

Billie, this is Chet. He's my best non-sexual friend.

He lives next door. He's got a big fanny.

I don't. I have a normal-sized fanny.

Oh, okay. Will you excuse me?

The puke that's in my hair is running down my body and filling my shoes.

What is happening to me right now?


I think I have a girlfriend.

Well, news report--your girlfriend is totally not cool.

She was cool for, like, a hot second, and then--

You know what?

I think we just need to give her a little push.

I'll give her a push.


In the bush.


With my pen1s.

No, I think I have a better idea.

Okay. But the pen1s plan is still on the table, right?

The pen1s plan?


It's solid.

I mean, I feel like it's foolproof.




Oh, nice. Do you want some salad?

Yeah, I would love some.


Please leave.

People live here, and I need to clean the kitchen.

We live here. Oh, my God.

Oh, God!

Don't be racist.

I wasn't--I didn't--

I'm not being racist--

Billie. I see you met Ting Poo.

Oh, my God.

Why is there a ponytail in the sink?

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow your brain wheels.

You're freaking out.

Hey, I've got an idea. Let me French-kiss you.



Gene, you said this was just gonna be a couple of girlfriends.

Yeah. Relax. I've got it under control, okay?

If anyone gets out of line, Ting Poo has a gun.

You have a gun?

Don't worry. It always jams.

The whole reason we did this was 'cause you wanted me to have a fresh time, but I'm not having a fresh time unless you're having a fresh time, okay?

So let's raise our glasses, yes...

I don't want to have a fresh--

For a toast.

To my new babysitter... [voice breaking] And my new friend.

I'm sorry. I'm a little choked up.

My new friend.

To Billie.

That's so sweet. That's very sweet.

I don't really want a drink, so...

Do it.


She has a neat butt.

Keep going.



Call my Beethoven 'cause...

I love classical music.

Don't you?



[all cheering]

[hip-hop music]

Ting Poo's Dry Cleaners. No Billie here.

[both laughing]

Drink or die, babes!

[all cheering]

Oh, I do the best Austin Powers. You ready for this?


[badly imitating Austin Powers] Oh, baby!

Oh, that's so good. How's mine?

[British accent] Cheers, baby, all right!

It's good. You could work on it a little bit.

Black Eyed Peas!

All: Black Eyed Peas!

Black Eyed Peas!

Black Eyed Peas!

Black Eyed Peas!

We're gonna live forever!



We're out of rum, baby.

Hey, baby!

Both: We're out of rum, baby!

She is breathtaking.

Get it, girl!

Get it just like Meg Ryan would.

Yeah, peyote's not for lightweights.

I was halfway through a hot dog before I realized it was a Coca-Cola bottle.

Don't feel bad about that.

That's totally a thing. Switch?


I really don't think this is how you play Apples to Apples.

No, it is. Right, Ting Poo?

Can I be honest with you guys?

I write "Ladyhawke" fanfiction.


As well, I'm having a great time at the party.

Thank you, Gene, for the wine glass.

I needed it.

"And thank you, Chet, for putting a roofie in it."

You're welcome.



You aren't supposed to tell her.

Tell me what?

Where's the bathroom?

It's cool. She doesn't know.

She can hear you.

Hear what?

That we roofied you.


Where's the bathroom?

Off limits, and you know why.

[birds chirping]




Hey. How you doing?

I'm good.

Wow. That was a crazy party last night.


What is that?


What is that?

Okay, okay. Don't freak out, but remember when Chet and I roofied your drink?

We actually "hoofied" your drink, which is half roofie, half horse tranquilizer.

Anyhoo, you've been in and out of consciousness the past couple days.


Angelina Jolie killed Brad Pitt.


Psych. He's still alive.

My dad always said to say something crazy at the end of bad news to soften the blow.

Okay, excuse me, ma'am.

Hi. Can you help me with this?

All right, I don't mind.

Do you want me to do it?

Do you want me to pull it for you?


Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

That was so gross.

Wait. Where are you-- What are you doing?

Where are you going?

I'm quitting.

What? Why?

Because you gave me a date-rape drug and put me in a coma!








Both: And?

What else did you do?

Oh, I thought we were playing a game.


Billie, look, look, I'm really, really sorry. This is totally my bad.

I wanted you to have a good time, and I just took it too far.

I totally get that now, okay? Let's move on.

Maybe we can pick on Joy.

Joy! Joy, get in here!

There's something wrong with you, you know that?

There is something mentally amiss.

Okay, you know what we're doing?

We're all focusing on the bad stuff.

Maybe let's focus on the good stuff I've done for you.

Like what?

Like while you were out and your student loan people kept calling, and I paid it off.

You answered my phone and paid my loans?

Yeah. That's why they call me The Generous General.

That is my loan, and I will work to pay it off.

You know what? I feel-- I feel bad for you. I do.

No one ever gets mad at you, do they?

No, 'cause no one ever expects anything from you, yeah.

Well, that is not me, Gene, okay?

I am not just a problem that you can throw money at.

Who put this money in my wallet?


Take this one, take this one, take this one for me.

Take this one. It's clearly the nurse's money.

So, just tell your dad I'm sorry.

He'll be back tomorrow, but I quit.

Oh, no, they're--they're coming back in a couple weeks.

My dad Tweeted.

They're going to, like, Cannies Film Festival.

You mean Cannes?

Oh, right. Stupid.

Goodbye, Gene.

Uh, I was gonna go to the mall later if she doesn't-- Jesus.


Is that enough?



What? Go back!


Go back!

Your brakes!


I cut your brakes!

[tires screech]

No, you didn't.

I'm coming with you.

Gene, you can't. Your ankle monitor.

I don't care!

No one has ever talked to me the way you just did... like you want me to be a better person or something.

I'm scared of everything.

I'm scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am.

And mostly I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.

That is verbatim Baby's speech to Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing."

Yes, it is, and then they have amazing dance s*x.

Oh, my God, remember when she goes behind him and grabs his butt?

It was, like, role reversal.

Totally. Whoo.

Say you'll stay.


No, look, I am not Patrick Swayze, Gene.

I am the older, disapproving sister who never did another movie.

Yes, she did.

She played Kevin's mom in "Dishdogz."

Sounds made up.

Google it.

"Dishdogz" with a Z.

[siren wailing]

You hear that, Gene? That's for you.

Maybe it's not, Billie.

Maybe it's for Angelina Jolie.

Maybe she did murder Brad Pitt.

God damn it!

What are you doing?



Move again.

Get off your bike.

We're going to get you home. Help me!

Oh, okay. What is in here, rocks?

Drop it, drop it, drop it.

[police radio chatter]

Oh, [bleep]!

Okay, follow my lead.

Be invisible. Go, go, go.

Oh, farts, Billie.

I'll handle this.

What? What are you doing?

I'm just gonna go talk to them and explain what happened-- it's no big deal.

The only excuse for breaking probation is an emergency.

Wait a minute.


Gene... what are you doing?

Oh, good idea.

We'll brain the cops.

We'll stone 'em to death. We'll both go to prison!

Oh, Billie, no.

Better idea-- break my hand.

What? That's so much crazier.

I'm not gonna break your hand.

Billie! Break my [bleep] hand, Billie.


If you love me, if you're my best friend, you will break my hand.

I just met you.

If it doesn't look like an emergency, we both go to jail.

I don't think that's true.

It is. I need you, Billie.

Do it, Billie. Do it.

Oh, God. This is temporary.

Tell me when it's over.

Let me know once you've broken my hand.

Oh, God! [both screaming]

♪ Call me Polo, shorty ♪

[rap music]

Make sure-- Excuse me.

What are you-- What's happening?

Just trying to check to make sure we don't have a Mrs. Doubtfire situation.

Ah, I see.

That's fair, right?

Yeah, that's fair.

You just saw that movie. That's great.

I loved it!


Have you seen it?