01x01 - Pilot

So I went out with a drug dealer on...

Jared S., make a better choice!

Saturday night.

It was incredible.

Oh, that is so awesome.

Okay, Alfred G., three, two...

Not today, my friend.

Was he, like, a mobster or something?

No, he, like, sells Vicodin on the low, full time.

Stop. Down. Now.

If you tell me he has a goatee, I'm gonna be so jealous.

He was really tender.

Xavier L., is that your... thank you for making a good choice, Xavier L.

But not too tender, if you know what I mean.

[chuckles]

Did you do the deed? [chuckles]

Okay, Room 301, we're done down here.

We do not make gestures like that.

These are bad kids.

The worst.

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪

[rock music]

♪ Cake, cake, cake ♪
♪ Haters gonna hate, bakers gonna bake ♪
♪ Cake in the morning ♪

What's up with this cake?

My class made it for Hunger Action Month.

Then shouldn't they be eating it?

No. I took it away from them, so they could know the true meaning of hunger.

Well, I've decided to treat myself ever since my breakup with Jacob.

How are you doing?

Not that well.

Hasn't it been, like, a year?

14 months.

Ladies, I'm so glad you're all here for the meeting.

What meeting?.

The anti-bullying committee meeting.

Ms. Feldman?

Ms. Feldman, are you here for the meeting?

The meeting?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Were you just sleeping?

No. No, I was not.

Okay.

I just got off the phone with Mrs. Lark from district.

A while back, they mandated that every school launch an anti-bullying program.

I need this committee to come up with ways to prevent bullying here at Fillmore.

But we don't have a bullying problem.

I know, but someone reported that we didn't have a program, and now we have to have one.

That was me.

Why would you do that?

But then how are we going to know who the popular kids are?

What?

I thought I was excused from all extracurricular activities due to emotional stress.

That was never a thing.

This is going to make a real difference.

I know in high school when Lauren Zellnek convinced everyone that I was gay and put fetal pigs in my locker, I could have used a program like this.

Anyway, I need you all to come up with different ways to prevent bullying at Fillmore.

Are you all in?

Yes.

Because with cutbacks looming, it's volunteering for a program like this that would keep you from getting fired.

I'm in.

Me, too.

Yeah, I'll do it.

Yeah, yeah.

Good.

Yay.

Okay, everyone. Quiet coyote.

Thank you.

Now today I want to talk to you guys about bullies.

Did you know that the word "bully" originally meant "sweetheart"?

Makes a lot of sense when you think about it.

Because sometimes a bully starts out as a sweetheart.

That's how they get you.

A bully is someone who generally disregards your feelings, ignores your texts, and changes the password on your joint Netflix account two days after you break up.

Uh, Ms. Watson...

A bully can also take you to Nashville one weekend on his frequent flier miles, treat you to bottomless mimosas, and then on Monday tell you it's over.

What's a mimosa?

It's something women in their 20s order so they can feel better about drinking in the morning.

I thought we were going to read Cinderella today.

No.

No, I'm not going to be reading you any fairy tales because they're lies.

The truth is, kids, sometimes Prince Charming wants to date other people, you know?

And just because you leave a shoe in his apartment doesn't mean you can show up whenever you want.

Nobody lives happily ever after. Trust me.

My cousin Connie's 39. She just got divorced, and now she works part-time at a Chicos.

Chicos?

Yeah, Chicos.

It's Spanish for big shoulders.

[rock music]

Ms. Snap, I drew you a picture of us.

Thank you so much.

Is that supposed to be me?

Yeah.

Where are my cheekbones?

Uh...

Couple of tips.

We have the same size wrists, so why do you draw me with the bigger body?

I'm not Miley Cyrus. I don't have horse teeth.

Okay.

This is really bad.

It's disgusting.

Let's just consider this a rough draft.

Debbie?

Love that chambray dress.

What if we had them write down what they did wrong on signs and then they could wear them around their necks like that dog-shaming website?

They're not dogs.

Sometimes bullying can be a good thing.

In high school, my best friend Randy got called the f-word every day and now he's head pastor of his church.

Lauren Zellnek tortured me in high school.

It got so bad that I got hemorrhoids and I had to sit on an innertube in all of my classes.

You must have felt like you were at the pool all day.

Sorry. The hot dad dropped his son off late and I had to flirt with him.

He is so hot.

Did you bring any ideas?

Yes, I did.

A compliments board is a great idea.

I think we should christen it by giving each other compliments.

Um, I'll start.

Chelsea, I think your hair looks really nice today.

I look like a piece of [bleep].

So should I not write that down or...

Caroline, um...

I really like how you handled your breakup.

That's not a compliment.

For someone who doesn't have a lot going on for them, you have a lot of confidence.

Thank you so much.

Raise your hand if you've ever bullied someone.

Okay, guys, bullying is not just pushing, beating, and shoving.

We can also hurt each other with our words.

So why don't we go ahead and shout out some examples of verbal bullying?

Marty has a butt chin.

Yes. That is bullying.

Any other examples?

Denise doesn't know who her dad is.

Mm, this is an interesting example.

It sounds like bullying, but is also a factual statement.

So is it bullying?

I don't know the answer there.

Ms. Feldman's gonna be honest with you guys.

I don't know.

This is one of those times where we're all on the same page learning together, and it's really fun.

Maggie has the same haircut as my Aunt Linda.

My mom made me get this haircut.

Alison's mom is fat. Chuck's mom is fat.

Brendan's mom is fat.

Alison, Chuck, and Brendan's dads like it like that.

A lot of guys do.

Did someone already do Maggie's haircut?

You guys, my mom made me go to her hairdresser, Doris.

And Doris only knows one haircut.

I don't think Maggie's haircut is a problem, you guys.

I think it's Doris.

But if we all agree that Maggie's haircut is bad, then is that bullying?

Yeah. I think it is.

It's 'cause people are very dark inside.

People are very sad and dark inside.

Okay, a little too much?

We'll save that for after lunch.

[kids sobbing]

Oh, my God. What happened?

This is horrible. _

I didn't want this haircut.

Oh, Maggie, honey, ignore the board.

You're beautiful.

Where did they come up with these insults?

This is the opposite of compliments.

This is bullying.

Which is progress because this morning they didn't even know you could bully with words?

Unbelievable.

[rock music]

The compliments board was a disaster.

Now does anyone have any ideas that are actually good?

We really need an anti-bullying club.

What if we implement a buddy system where you always have one friend you can really count on?

What if they don't even have one friend?

What if we made sure kids only said nice things?

We can't restrict their free speech.

I really think we need an anti-bullying club.

Now that is a good idea.

I love that.

Yeah. Yeah.

I just suggested that.

What would they do in the club?

It would be a safe place for them to talk about their feelings.

They could make potato batteries.

They could check their email.

It could just be a safe place for them to talk about their feelings.

That's it. Perfect.

Did I not just say that?

We'd need someone to be in charge.

I'm happy to offer my classroom.

I used to cut myself.

This is my pain.

I'm gonna run this club.

I am.

This is a safe place.

I want you all to feel that you can come here and talk about issues and troubles you're having here at school, okay?

Does anyone want to share anything?

Brad says I smell like Funyons.

People love Funyons. They're fun.

Listen, in high school, Lauren Zellnek changed my name from Deb Adler to Dumb Fatter, which made me develop an eating disorder.

Has anyone had any experiences like that?

No?

Really?

No one's ever sprayed you in the face with Windex?

No one's ever started a rumor that you were gay because you won tickets to The Rosie O'Donnell Show?

Did Lauren Zellnek make you take a shot from a diva cup?

Jesus Christ.

Look, I really want to know how brutal it is for you guys.

People make fun of my haircut.

Oh, if that's the worst thing that's happened to you, you're dead when you get into the real world.

It's not that bad here at Fillmore.

Ugh. You guys, you're giving me nothing to work with.

It's gonna get bad.

When you get to sixth grade, get boobs, cramps, whatever it is guys get, everything's gonna change.

When that happens, remember that you have a voice.

And think of our group's name: Stop Teasing And Bullying. STAB.

All: STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB!

Ms. Snap, I drew you another picture.

Why do you insist on making me ugly?

What?

I didn't pay $60 a week for a juice cleanse to have my thigh gap go unnoticed.

I'm on to you.

I'm not gonna let you bring me down, Debbie.

This is a prime example of institutional bullying.

Gender specific bathrooms force students to prematurely classify themselves, when really gender's on a spectrum.

I can relate. One time I dreamt I had a dick.

I do have one question though.

How are they gonna know which bathroom to use?

Now they can use either.

Don't you have a class right now?

They're in silent free time.

[all screaming]

Come on. We've got five more bathrooms to hit.

Did you know you can get HPV from fingers?

How many fingers?

I bought my very first Groupon today.

Oh, nice. What was it for?

a**l bleaching.

Do you really think that you need that?

Probably.

Both: STAB! STAB! STAB!

STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB!

Oh, don't worry. That's, uh, that's our new anti-bullying club.

Aren't they being a little aggressive?

No. They're just standing up for themselves.

My mom says I can be President.

You're too stupid to be the President.

Oh, isn't that kid in your class?

Yeah. That's Blake.

Well, he's a bully.

You need to call a conference with his parents.

Dumb bitch.

Today.

Because the bottom line is you can't break up with someone and still like all their posts on Facebook.

You need to give them closure.

Just because one person's okay doesn't mean the other person is.

For all you know, that other person could have been asked to leave their pottery class at the learning annex due to excessive crying because the class kept reminding them of the movie Ghost.

So what's the answer?

Sorry. I got a little sidetracked.

It's one.

[knocking]

Ms. Bennigan?

Oh, Hot Dad.

What?

Yes? Hi. Hello.

Are you Blake's dad?

Yeah. You wanted to meet with me?

Yes, thank you for coming in.

Um, I wanted to talk with you about some issues concerning Blake's behavior.

Yeah.

I was afraid of that ever since the, uh, change in our family situation.

Oh.

Oh, I'm surprised Blake didn't tell you.

Uh...

His mom left us.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, no. It's... it's fine.

No, we'll be strong.

We do miss having a woman around the house, but, you know, you're sort of a surrogate mom to Blake.

[giggles]

[chuckles] I'm... I'm sorry.

I've embarrassed you.

No, no, no.

So, um, what's going on with Blake's behavior?

You know what? Don't worry about it.

Hey, wait, what?

I thought you said there were issues.

The issue is he's too advanced.

He's the smartest kid I've ever known.

Blake?

He's the pussy's pajamas.

Cat's!

The cat's pajamas.

Okay. Well, thanks for letting me come by.

Thanks for letting me come.

Well, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna get going.

Kids: STAB! STAB! STAB!

STAB! STAB! STAB!

STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB!

[blows whistle]

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Get out of here. Stop.

STAB is too big for you to control.

He's a bully.

Let's show him what we do to bullies.

Whoa!

Kids: STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB!

I am beside myself.

This week was supposed to prevent bullying, and now we have more reported cases of bullying than ever before.

Your compliments board turned into a-a... an insult board.

We have a banned vigilante squad.

It's like Lord of The Flies out there.

We were trying...

I don't care!

Luckily, Mrs. Lark from the district is an anti-bullying expert.

She's agreed to come in this afternoon and help these children that you've traumatized.

If today doesn't go well, start looking for other places to warp young minds.

If you see a kid who's missing a tooth, let me know.

I found this on the playground.

Oh, shoot.

Excuse me, I'm looking for the library.

I'm here to facilitate an anti-bulling workshop.

Lauren?

Oh, my God. Lauren Zellnek?

[gasps]

Oh, actually it's Lauren Lark now.

I'm married.

Um, sorry, do we know each other?

You don't remember the girl you were completely brutal to in high school?

Deb Adler.

Don't you mean Dumb Fatter?

Oh, Deb, you have to let that go.

It's in the past.

Based on your eyeliner, I can tell you're still very angry.

Seriously?

Well, I'm sorry for the way I behaved in high school, but that was a long time ago.

And...[chuckles] Bravo to you for losing all that weight.

It must have been really hard because it was a lot of weight.

A lot. [laughing]

[laughing]

Good afternoon.

Today, we're gonna work to turn all of you bullies into buddies.

What a nightmare.

Now, who here has a personal story they'd like to share about a time they were bullied?

This is for the students.

Yes.

Ms. Snap hates my drawings.

What? That's not true.

They're just not an accurate portrayal of my body.

I drew you a new one.

Ms. Snap?

What a cool body.

I love it.

Now we're getting somewhere.

All right.

Where's Blake?

Blake, why aren't you in the workshop?

I can't go in there and face all my nemeses.

Listen, today you've gotta walk in someone else's shoes.

And now that you know what it's like to be bullied, you won't do it again, right?

Right.

Do you feel better?

Yeah. Thanks.

Maybe you could tell your dad what a great talk we had?

Don't you think it would be fun to see me at school, and then back at your dad's house?

For this next exercise, we're gonna do a little roleplay.

Mrs. Adler, why don't you come up and help me show everyone the proper way to handle a bully?

Let me guess. You're the bully.

You're ugly.

Have we started yet?

I said you're ugly.

Okay. I would appreciate it if you would not talk to me like that.

At school, we should respect each other.

You're a lesbian.

No, I'm not.

And calling someone a lesbian isn't an insult.

Even though you're not fat anymore, you'll always be a fat girl on the inside, Dumb Fatter.

Shut your mouth.

Ah, ah, ah.

Now that is the wrong...

[yelling]

Oh, my God.

Who's a lesbian now?

Kids: STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB!

Oh, my God.

Kids: STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB!

Get off me, get off of me!

Ladies, will you please help me stop this?

Stop it!

Ow! She's biting me!

[kids cheering] Ladies, help! Ow!

I am the principal!

Well, I just got off the phone with the district office.

We are so sorry.

It was my bad.

It is not my fault.

Actually, it was good news.

After what happened today with Mrs. Lark, she doesn't want anything else to do with us.

She's excused Fillmore Elementary from any further participation in the anti-bullying program.

That's great news.

That's awesome.

Wow.

So happy I could have helped.

By the way, does anyone know what's going on with the bathrooms?

♪ ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪

Oh, yeah.