01x02 - Picture Day

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Caroline, you look like a country music star.

How'd you get those curls?

I slept sitting up with Coke cans in my hair, but it was worth it. These pictures last forever.

Pictures?

Oh, my God. How could you forget about Picture Day?

I gave myself a colonic and full body exfoliation just to prepare.

What are you slathering yourself with?

Self tanner. It takes a while to set, but by this afternoon, I will be intriguingly ethnically ambiguous.

Dudes, my pic is gonna look jacked.

I haven't had my eyebrows done in three weeks.

You look naturally beautiful.

You look like a '70s v*g1n* with eyes, but don't worry.

I have an emergency waxing kit in my desk.

I can totally fix them.

Thanks.

Morning, ladies, you all look really nice.

Feldman.

I just wanted to stop by to tell you that we've hired a new photographer this year, Don LaRondasack. No more Geoff with a G.

Oh, but I liked Geoff with a G.

He always put me at ease.

I get really self-conscious having my picture taken.

Well, I'm sure this LaRondasack fellow will be just fine.

He's got a firm hand-shake, looks like he works out, nice smile.

Anyway, it's time to announce whose class gets the honor of having their photo taken with our mascot, Millard.

He's not a mascot. He's an "ig-whuana," and he shouldn't be paraded around like a trophy by the winning class each year. It makes me sick.

Well, I love it, and I really need a win.

This could turn my year around.

There's only so much Chardonnay and cough syrup can do.

The winner of the school spirit prize is...

Ms. Watson's class!

Oh!

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my...

Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Oh, my God, this is gonna change everything!

Easy, tiger. It's just a dumb iguana.

Nobody likes a sore loser, Deb, especially a winner, and I am the winner! I am the winner!

I am the winner! I did it! Yeah!

In your face! In your face! In your face!

Oh, cool. I didn't think that you were gonna do me.

Yes! Oh, how you like me now? Oh, yeah! Yeah!

God, that stuff is making this whole room smell like a sloppy sorority girl.

Thank you, but I can't wax you right now.

I'm in the middle of my own crisis.

I'm still not the right shade. I'm supposed to be Camel Taupe.

No, camel toe isn't a color, it's a shape.

Camel Taupe, with a "P"!

Oh.

[sighs] I'm getting carpal tunnel trying to deal with this streaky mess.

Oh, here, I'll help.

I'll do it everywhere so it all looks the same.

Just make sure it looks good.

Oh, don't worry, I got this.

I had to paint a rec center one summer for community service.

There she goes.

Okay, Cinderella, do me a favor.

I want you to look at the birdie.

Where's the birdie?

That's not a birdie, that's my hand!

What? Come on.

[laughs]

Great job. Next!

Hi.

Hi. I just want to warn you I get a little nervous when I have my picture taken.

Oh. Well, there's no need to worry.

Old Don's gonna make sure that you're very well taken care of.

All you gotta do is sit back and relax.

Okay.

All right. Now, normally, at this point, I would say, "Cheese," but you're not a mouse.

[laughs]

There it is.

Oh. What are you worried about?

You have a very captivating smile.

It's very nice.

You know what? Let's take another one, all right? All right, this time, um... just shake your jaw loose. Kind of give me a little...

[both blubbering]

There you go, and while you're doing that, then just kind of...

Do that, push out your lips. Just...

Yeah, just like... like you're tasting something sour, you know? Yeah, there you go.

Very nice, very nice. Um...

I don't know, arch your back maybe, just...

Yeah, I want you sitting up straight and tall, very confident, very... strong.

There you go, arch that back.

Nice, now give me a little twist.

Maybe lower the shoulder a little bit. Yeah, that's it.

Don't... don't lose the lips.

Something sour. Mmm, what's going on?

I don't know, yeah, you nasty little slut.

Okay. [Laughs]

Great. Well done, very nice.

We're done here. Next.

You look like a baseball player. Am I right? Huh?

Blake?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Where did you get that shirt?

My mom sent it to me from Myrtle Beach.

Oh. So your mom and dad are still separated?

Yeah.

Your poor father.

He's such a nice, caring, perfect man.

It must be lonely for him... and for you.

Is that what you wanted to talk about?

No. I'm just concerned that only the first word on your shirt will show in the photo, you know what I mean?

No.

I'll just call your dad and have him bring you another shirt.

I'll call...

I'll call him.

I'll call him...

I'll call him.

Now I know for some of us, it's been an emotionally exhausting year fraught with disappointment, and we thought that getting our class picture taken with Millard would finally get the pendulum swinging in the other direction, but sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, and unfortunately, today, I have some sad news...

For the other classes... because we won!

[all cheering]

Oh! oh!

We love you, Ms. Watson!

It's the best day of my life!

Millard!

All: Millard! Millard! Millard! Millard!

Millard! Millard!

[trailing off] Millard. Millard.

He's not doing anything.

Well, I think he's asleep.

Maybe you could wake him up, Rodney?

Maybe tap a little harder?

Millard's dead!

[all screaming]

Oh. Oh. Okay.

I know for some of us, we thought that this was going to pull us out of an emotional nose dive, but Millard has passed away.

Has anyone ever had a pet die before?

David?

Pets don't die. My mom said all of my hermit crabs went to the farm.

There's no farm, dummy. They're dead.

Rodney, that's enough.

David, I think it's really nice that your mom told you there's a farm. It's a wonderful thought.

So there's no farm?

I didn't say that.

What are you gonna tell me next, there's no Santa Claus?

Why are you taking so long to answer?

Poor Millard.

I know. I tried to talk to my students about death, but then I ruined Christmas.

Just order them a pizza. This just in, kids love pizza. [Scoffs]

You could tell them about heaven, but apparently, that's "illegal" in schools.

All I can say is, we better watch our backs.

Millard's number one.

What are you talking about?

Rule of threes.

Death always comes in threes.

No, that's a myth.

Maybe you should celebrate.

Millard's life by having a ceremony.

That's a really good idea.

Hey, did the photographer say anything inappropriate to any of you?

I haven't had my picture taken yet.

I still gotta deal with these mustaches over my eyes.

He was really nice to me. Is something wrong?

Yeah, you know what? There is.

I will not be treated like a piece of meat.

[door closing]

So where'd we land on the pizza?

Don? Do you have a minute?

Well, I'm here all day, so I've got 1,440 of them, to be exact. [Laughs]

That's how many minutes are in a day.

Yeah, I got that.

Okay.

I just want you to know...

I was not amused by what you said to me.

Ugh. The mouse joke, huh?

I know, I'm sorry.

No.

You called me a... nasty little slut.

I did?

I do not recall that.

I feel that you saw I was nervous and preyed on my insecurity.

Well, wow, I... definitely didn't mean to upset you, and I sure didn't want to cause any offense.

I have a sister, so I really respect women.

Okay.

Let me make it up to you, okay?

Let me just take another picture of you.

It'll be fine, it'll be... I want you to be comfortable.

I want this to be a good experience.

Okay.

Okay, there you go.

If you don't mind, say, "Cheese."

Unless you're lactose intolerant!

All right.

Oh, great. We're all set.

Hit the bricks, you dirty little hooker.

[gasps]

Okey dokey, Smokey, who's next?

Get in here! Wow, look at you.

[bagpipes playing]

[grunts]

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

Did you guys know that art can happen anywhere?

Yeah, it can.

That's why we have things like flash mobs and graffiti.

Can anyone else give me some other examples of art?

Good, yeah. Lucas?

Well, artists like Jackson Pollock and Wassily Kandinksy demonstrated that we do not need to accurately represent...

If anyone has an extra video game, it sounds like Lucas could really use one.

All right, guys, now we're going to see art happen right in front of us.

Crazy, right?

Ms. Snap is going to wax my eyebrows.

Just so you know, I don't normally look like this.

When my tan sets, I will look like J-Lo.

This is gonna be really fun.

It's like arts and crafts, but on my face.

Wow, that was impressive.

When I have something personal to do, I just tell my kids to zip it and silent-read.

Oh, yeah, I can turn anything into a lesson.

Tomorrow I'm teaching math by having them add up my tax receipts.

[whispering] Here we go.

Okay, one, two, three!

Oh!

Art.

Since when do you do makeup?

I have to fix my eyebrows. Snap gave my face a Brazilian.

[sighs]

What's wrong? Did someone put compost in the recycling?

No. This morning, the photographer called me a "nasty little slut."

Wait, what?

Yeah, and when I went to go talk to him about it later, he called me a "dirty little hooker."

I know. I was shocked too.

Oh, hell no! If he thinks he's gonna get away with that Cosby crap, he's got another think coming.

You don't think she's gonna hurt him, do you?

Probably.

She nut-punched Mr. Werner for taking her parking space.

Although in her defense, she did have a ten-day period that month.

[humming]

Ms. Bennigan?

[whispering] Hot Dad.

What?

Hmm?

Nothing. Hey, you.

I got your voice-mail, I came down as soon as I could.

Thank you so much.

Did you bring a new shirt for Blake?

Shirt? In your message, you just said to come down to the school and hung up.

It sounded like an emergency.

Oh, um, it is.

You see, what Blake's shirt says is inappropriate.

What does it say?

Well... [chuckles]

You know what shirt he was wearing.

I don't. I'm sorry, still trying to get used to this whole single dad thing.

[laughs nervously]

Are you all right? You're turning really red.

Dick!

His shirt says "Dick. Mack's.

Dick Mack's Crab Shack." [laughs]

And today is picture day.

Oh, God. I didn't even realize.

When are the photos?

They're in line at the cafeteria to take them right now.

[sighs] Well, there's no way I can get back to the house in time.

And we can't have him wearing that shirt.

No. We can't.

You know what?

It's gonna be a little big on him, but...

[groans]

He can wear this.

[laughs]

You all right?

[laughs]

I'm fine. [Laughs]

I'll be back right... [laughs]

I'll be back ri...

I'ma be right back. [Laughs] Okay.

Today has been a hard day.

But you know, Millard isn't gone forever.

Even though he's not here physically, his spirit is actually everywhere.

Now, why don't we lay him to rest so he can finally be free?

Oh, my God! It's the old Millard!

Okay, let's just calm down, everyone.

[all screaming]

Hey! You just ruined the most important day of the year for me.

It is picture day, and I look like a Florida Panhandle meth addict!

What are you surprised about? Of course I am mad.

Look at what you did to me!

I was gonna be the hottest teacher this year because Theresa Larson looks like a fat pig now that she's pregnant.

Don't act surprised.

Everyone is thinking it. I am just saying it.

And now I look like my ass[BLEEP]

Before I bleached it! [Sobs]

Does it surprise you that I'm crying?

'Cause I am the most sensitive person in this school.

How dare you be surprised that I have feelings?

Screw you!

I'm sorry. You should be surprised.

My behavior is unacceptable.

You're the best.

You have pizza breath.

[sniffs deeply]

Oh, Ms. Bennigan.

Yes, that's me.

Oh. You all right?

Oh, I-I was just... making sure the shirt was still clean.

[laughs] Let me just check a couple more things here.

Check, check, check, check, check, check, chicken.

Is it okay?

It's perfect.

Can I... let me just...

Oh.

Yeah.

There you go.

Just gonna go put it back on.

Okay.

All right.

Well, howdy, partner.

I'm the fastest photographer in the west.

Just pull up a seat and saddle up.

Oh, so I can ride you? Huh?

You'd like that, wouldn't you, you perverted freak?

I know all about you, and I bet you'd just love it if I posed like a nasty little slut and gobbled your balls!

Excuse me?

Oh, I know pigs like you.

You love a good ball gobble. Huh?

Oh, like this? Huh? Little gobble like this?

[babbling] Huh? Huh?

[babbling]

Huh? Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you like that? What about this, huh?

Huh? What about this, huh?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, oh.

Oh, ah, ah. [Groaning]

Huh? Huh? Oh, are you getting your rocks off on this, you freak?

[groaning]

Now! Let me tell you what's gonna happen.

You are gonna take my picture and you are not gonna say one inappropriate thing to me or any other teacher ever again.

You got that, you weasel-dicked meat-jerker?

Yeah. Yeah, I got it.

I have a sister.

Okay, uh... please... please smile.

Okay, lovely.

I know today we've all experienced things that are... difficult to understand, and I spoke with Principal Pearson and he arranged for the district's grief counselor, Mrs. Moore, to come and talk to us about death and some of the feelings we are having.

Mrs. Moore?

[groans]

Mrs. Moore?

Mrs. Moore?

Is this a demonstration?

Uh... uh, Don't worry, it's all right.

I'm sure she's just taking a nap.

That's what you said about Millard!

Look, everything's going to be fine.

Mrs. Moore?

Rule of threes. Number two.

She's dead!

[all screaming]

[indistinct radio chatter]

Um, hello, Mrs. Cregan? This is Ms. Watson.

I was just calling all the parents to let them know that the children witnessed a couple of deaths today.

Ms. Cannon?

Can I talk to you for a minute, please?

Ms. Cannon, please, can I just talk to you for a minute?

What?

I just want to apologize for the way I acted today.

It was totally inappropriate.

I don't even know where that first comment came from.

It just... And then when you confronted me, I was... well, I was ashamed.

I don't know if I told you this or not, but...

[sighs] I have a sister, and I really respect women.

Probably doesn't mean anything to you now, but I'm truly, truly sorry.

Thank you for your apology.

No problem.

I really appreciate it.

I bet you do, you grubby little skank!

[laughs] [gasps]

Ah!

[van horn honking]

[screams]

Three.