01x03 - Duct Duct Goose

Everybody shut up.

I've got dibs on the new AV camera today.

Nobody check it out.

I'm making my audition tape for "The Bachelor."

I totally forgot it is due by 5:00 p.m. today.

I can't believe you want to participate in that sexist institution.

It's not sexist.

It's almost all women.

I don't think you understand.

"The Bachelor" is the one reality show I'd actually go on... if I had a more flattering cry face.

I feel the same way about "Steven Seagal: Lawman."

"The Bachelor" reinforces archaic gender stereotypes.

I know.

I would be so perfect for it.

Who wants to be my cameraperson?

Good lucking finding a woman who has low enough self-esteem to enable you.

I'll do it.

Mary Louise!

Thank you.

[giggles]

Yes.

Good morning, ladies!

I just want to remind everyone that Superintendent Greg is coming today.

This visit needs to be flawless after Ms. Feldman's potato battery explosion last year.

I don't need another auto-tuned video of me on the Internet.

♪ Ah, there's spuds all over my face ♪
♪ There's spuds ♪
♪ Spuds all over my face ♪
♪ Ah, there's spuds all over my face ♪
♪ Help me ♪
♪ Help me ♪
♪ There's spuds all over my face ♪
♪ Call 911 ♪

I will not be humiliated like that again.

Everyone needs to be on their best behavior.

Ms. Cannon.

Oh.

Don't worry.

I'll be using fractions to teach about the inequalities transgender people face.

[laughs]

Absolutely not.

You're studying shapes.

Construction paper and glue.

All day.

Oh, and Feldman... we're skipping your classroom.

I don't want the superintendent to know that you still teach here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm prepared this year.

I made a lesson plan.

My class is doing a buttload of oral reports, and I put this dress on layaway at Marshalls two months ago.

Not happening.

Bro, just give me one more chance.

Fine. We'll stop by.

But if you want to continue teaching here, you will not embarrass me.

I don't even know the meaning of the word "embarrassment."

Oh, Jesus.

[rock music]

Take a good look, guys.

This is the man we've been preparing all week to impress.

Now, what are we gonna say when he comes in?

Buenos días, Superintendente.

Bonjour, Directeur.

Kon'nichiwa, Superintendent-San.

That was great.

Very natural.

Should I show him how I can fart with my armpit?

[farting noises]

[laughs]

That might be too impressive, Jason.

Let's keep that light under a bushel, okay?

Hey.

I bought you a "reading is a hoot" poster.

Thought you could use it to cover your 50 Cent collage.

Thanks, but I already tricked it out.

All right, guys, let's finish our math homework.

Cool.

You okay?

I'm dialed in with a laser-like focus.

Every fiber of my being is dedicated to achieving one goal: Winning the respect of Pearson and the superintendent.

My entire life has led up to this one moment.

There's nothing that can stop me.

Wow. Sounds like you got it all covered.

Jason crawled up in the ceiling.

I really hope Miss Snap gets on "The Bachelor," because she inspires me.

I wanted to be a cheerleader, and Miss Snap coached me for the tryouts.

Ready? Okay!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Not only did I make the squad, I became head cheerleader.

Thank you, Miss Snap.

The superintendent is coming!

Quick! Back to your seat.

Chelsea, is it really worth lying just to get on "The Bachelor"?

Clearly, you haven't seen the show.

Now go!

[whimpers] Okay.

When I first learned about the French-Indian War, I was at a foam party in Mexico.

[rock music]

Jason.

We don't want Miss Feldman to look like a poop-face teacher in front of the superintendent, do we?

I don't care!

Jason, please.

If you come down right now, I'll give you ten dollars.

Or three dollars and a Fro-Yo punch card.

The next one's free!

No!

Oh, my gosh, Captain America just walked in the room.

Nice try. He's at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Hover base.

Jason, get your mother[bleep] [bleep]-ass butt out of that mother[bleep] [bleep]sucking ceiling.

[children laugh]

Is he down yet?

So not down!

And Miss Feldman cursed.

[laughs] Oh, no she didn't.

Hillary, can you go to Miss Feldman's drawer and give everyone a Wendy's coupon?

I've got an idea.

We can smoke him out.

What is that?

It's a bottle of Gap Dream one of my students gave me last Christmas.

It's better than tear gas.

[spraying]

He'll be down in a second.

[coughing]

Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Jason, stay where you are!

Oh!

[gasps]

He's on the move.

Okay, guys. What do you think?

Bigger.

You're right. Good eye.

Chelsea, I just watched an episode of "The Bachelor."

It's so romantic.

You're right.

It's totally worth lying for.

I know.

It's like an all-star game for morally corrupt young sexies.

I have to be on it.

We are gonna make you look so beautiful.

Totally slutty.

Unpredictable.

Slightly mentally ill.

Vulnerable.

A victim who hates herself.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll get to hang out with you every day and then go home at night and watch you on my TV.

Eee!

[laughs]

We'll always be together.

Hey.

Have you heard any strange noises coming from the ceiling?

No. Why?

Talk in the hall. Helter-skelter.

My bad, girl.

[rock music]

No sign of him here.

How could you lose the kid in the ceiling?

You're already on Pearson's sh1t list.

I know!

And that was just for blowing up a dumb-ass potato.

Can you imagine if he found out I started the 2013 lice outbreak?

That went statewide.

Statewide!

You're the reason I had to cut my hair?

I looked like Anne Hathaway in the last half of "Les Mis."

I thought you guys knew that.

I was the only one who got them in my hair down there.

Lesson learned.

Never buy a Fedora at Goodwill.

[giggling]

[clattering]

I'm gonna tell! I'm gonna tell!

This situation is FUBAR.

I got to contain this kid.

I can assure you, Superintendent, everyone's very excited to show you what they've been working on.

And no potato batteries.

That wasn't funny.

[rock music]

Very efficient cutting of circle, square, and triangle shapes, class.

Let's keep it up.

Miss Cannon, look!

A snowman!

A snow man?

Can I ask you a question?

Why is he a snow man?

Uh, because he's a man and he's made of snow.

You know, you could make him a snow woman.

But I don't want to.

Why?

Are you threatened by the power of a snow woman?

Do you know hard a snow woman has to work to stand in the same place as a snow man?

And that's all the time we have here.

Let's go to the gym and check in on Coach Boze's fitness circuits.

Is this better?

Snow transitioning.

I like it.

[sighs]

[frantic music]

What's up?

There's a raccoon in the ceiling.

I'm-a blast him out.

That's not a raccoon. That's Jason C.

My ass is grass if Pearson finds out.

Oh. Right on.

I'll talk him down.

I'm a volunteer with a suicide hotline.

Really?

Just a hobby.

Cool.

Bummer.

I really wanted to use this thing.

And we're rolling, and we're rolling, and action!

And that's how you do math.

Chelsea, aren't you supposed to be teaching social studies right now?

[gasps]

What did you just say to me?

I said, you're supposed to be teaching social studies.

[gasps] No one talks to me like that.

[gasps] Ahhh!

You're acting crazy.

I am not crazy!

[heavy breathing]

[shrieking]

I don't have a problem with women, but women sometimes have a problem with me.

[screaming]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This isn't real. This is just acting.

It's just catsup!

I don't want you to be on "The Bachelor" anymore.

Don't say that, Tiffany.

No, no, not like that.

Just don't say that.

Jason.

I know how you feel.

I've been there.

16 years old.

Your period's late.

You don't know who the father is.

But suicide is not the answer.

Deb, he's an eight-year-old boy in a ceiling, not a 16-year-old girl on a ledge.

Leave this to a professional.

I know the fantasy you're playing through your mind.

Your friends and family find you lying in a pool of your own blood, and that's when they realize they were wrong.

But the thing is, you won't be there to enjoy it.

Because there's nothing after death, so nothing matters.

Nothing matters?

I'm not coming down.

You got to find a new place to volunteer.

I got it.

I got it.

Nobody can say no to Mr. Waffles, the happy-go-lucky platypus.

No.

Don't be a puppet pooper, Deb.

Jason, I have someone very special I want you to meet.

'Ello, Jason!

Time to come down from the old ceiling, so why don't you grab a hold of me bill and I'll bloody well 'elp you down!

[gasps]

Uh, okay, Jason.

That puppet took Miss Watson eight weeks to make at an intensive intermediate puppeteering workshop.

So I'm just gonna need you to just gently pass him back down.

[ripping]

Oh!

[gasps]

Oh, my God!

Mr. Waffles!

[whimpering]

Oh, my God.

[sobbing]

No.

They must be at recess.

Let's come back later.

[crying]

I gave up management opportunities at the Great Steak and Potato Company to be a teacher.

I won't let Jason C. Take it all away from me.

Bring back the head!

Jason, my main man, Miss Feldman really needs you to stop moving.

[ripping]

You've got to be kidding me.

[ripping]

Damn it!

Everything from Marshalls!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

To survive war, you must become war.

Trevor and I were in love, and then, on his 18th birthday, he decided to have elective plastic surgery to eliminate his nasolabial folds.

During the procedure, he had a stroke and lost all feeling above his shoulders.

He couldn't feel his head.

[fan activates]

[fan blowing]

Okay, stop.

This isn't working!

No, it is!

You look windswept!

Do I look sexy?!

I suppose it was healthy, but I got to say, I miss Sloppy Joes and Tater Tots.

I do too.

[gasps]

Superintendent Greg, there you are!

We're a little busy.

We're on our way to Miss Feldman's room.

But-but-but first, you have to see the storage room.

Uh-huh.

It is the perfect place to put a full-size loom.

Or a darkroom for my postmortem photography.

Your what?

Just photography.

Well, this is a fun suit, huh?

What is this, gabardine?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I will avenge you, Mr. Waffles.

[farting sound]

[farting sound continues]

Armpit farts.

He's not far.

Here's an idea I want to run by you: A mixer for single dads and teachers.

Thank you, ladies, but we need to get to Miss Feldman's class.

But first, the cafeteria.

We've already been.

Yes, but we still need to address the lack of... yogurt!

I can't shake this yeast infection, and I'm sure as hell not putting another Monistat bomb up my...

Oh, let's go!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

When we were camping, due to Trevor's lack of feeling above the neck, he didn't notice a bear sniffing and licking him as he slept, so the bear at half his face.

And then when we went to the hospital for the face transplant, they put his half face on the side where he already had half a face, so he had a double-half-face!

[sobbing]

It was just so difficult... for me.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

It's a dead end.

It's over.

No!

You need to ask yourself, do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?

I'm never coming down!

Never!

Hard way it is.

And then he was hit by a bus.

[sobs]

[sniffs]

I'm hoping this will be my second shot at love.

You could easily fit 50 to 60 single dads in here.

This classroom gets great light.

Peas and rice!

What is going on here?

We were just...

Just what?

[crashing]

[groaning]

Oh, my God.

My perfect body.

Ohh.

[groans]

Feldman!

And that is why you should never crawl up in a ceiling.

Feldman.

We're making a safety video.

Yes.

I decided to take the initiative to make a safety video after last year's minor-in- the-grand-scheme-of-things potato battery incident.

Did you know that one in seven... thousand children die in a ceiling-related accident?

Let's make that stop.

Stop ceiling-related accidents!

These ceilings are out of control.

I lost a cousin to a ceiling.

Yes. Ceilings hurt people.

I am... stunned.

I know you have to get going, Superintendent, so...

And cut!

All right, everybody. That is lunch.

I had nothing to do with this.

The teachers did everything on their own.

That's very big of you to admit, Toby.

Most principals try to take all the credit.

That was an outstanding visit.

Your teachers are motivated, constantly thinking outside the box, and brave feminists who realize there's still work to be done.

And that safety video...

Very forward-thinking.

Color me impressed.

Thank you so much.

I am very proud of my staff.

You should be.

Yahoo!

[rock music]

Okay, Jason, your 30 minutes of ceiling time is up.

Miss Feldman, why does Jason get to go up in the ceiling every day?

Because Jason brokered a deal using leverage.

Does anyone know what leverage is?

Okay!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

♪ Ahh ♪
♪ No one talks to me like that ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ I'm not crazy ♪
♪ Ah! Ah! Ah! ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ [sobbing] ♪
♪ I'm not crazy ♪
♪ Peas and rice ♪
♪ What did you just say to me? ♪
♪ Peas and rice ♪
♪ I'm not crazy ♪
♪ Ah! Ah! Ah! ♪
♪ Shut it off! ♪
♪ And that is why you should never ♪
♪ Crawl up in a ceiling ♪