01x04 - Hall of Shame

[rock music]

♪ Turn it down ♪
♪ Turn it down ♪

♪ Mr. Beetle Boo, how do you do ♪
♪ How do you do ♪
♪ Mr. Beetle Boo, how do you do ♪

And he said...

♪ I'm Mr. Beetle Boo ♪
♪ How do you do, how do you do ♪

♪ I'm Mr. Beetle Boo ♪
♪ How do you do ♪

And they said...

It's your turn.

How about, "I'm dying inside?"

Deb, that is not the verse.

You're supposed to say...

♪ Mr. Beetle Boo, your bills are due ♪
♪ Your bills are due ♪
♪ Mr. Beetle Boo, your bills are due ♪

[laughs]

I can't take it anymore.

Take what?

My car broke down last week, and Caroline insisted, that we carpool.

Did you know that she makes people take off their shoes before getting into her car?

She drives barefoot?

No, she has driving slippers.

And she sings children's songs.

It makes me want to drink antifreeze.

Ugh, God, why are there so many kids around?

I need a Gatorade, aspirin, and a Listerine Breath Strip.

Hey, that's the same coochie skirt you wore last night.

Did you go home with someone?

No, and my s*x life is none of your business.

You're the one who's always bragging about your conquests.

The Midwest regional manager of Crepes Are Us.

The semi-pro hockey player.

The emcee at the aquarium whale show.

So many high-powered men fall in love with you for a night.

Stop attacking me! God!

I cannot help it if I attract moguls and trendsetters.

But I did not go home with anyone last night.

[scoffs] Uh, you texted me at the bar, "Peace out. Gotta go gargle some dong."

Now, who'd you bang?

I've decided to become a very private person since then.

And I actually think that we should be a little bit more sensitive about the information we share with each other.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go get some Vaseline to pry off my self-stick titty cutlets.

And I appear to have lost one.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Sweet cheeks!

[scoffs] Sam, not here.

Ms. Snap, running late as usual.

Buzz off, Marty.

Hey!

You can't talk to me like that.

I'm the liaison to the principal.

You made that title up, and it's embarrassing.

[rock music]

Hey, um, can you cover my class at noon today?

Yeah, what's up?

I'm taking a half-day to go to the LGBTQIA protest downtown.

I don't know what all those letters stand for, but sure sounds fun.

It stands for: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, and Asexual.

Oh, then I'll pray for you.

No, no, no. I have to have the car today.

Do I really need brake pads?

Hey Debbie Doodle Dandy, I have to leave at 3:15.

I have a bonsai trimming class at 4:00.

[gasps] Oh, you know what?

Why don't you come?

It'll be so much fun.

It's like you're a giant among tiny trees.

Fee, fie, foe... green thumb!

[laughs] I just thought of that.

Get me my car by 3:15 today and I will let you sniff my panties.

[man, indistinct]

Well, a lot of people are into that.

Hey girl, it's my prep.

I'm heading to Wendy's.

Wanna come?

Yeah, sure, I was not doing anything.

[giggles]

Wow, your room's so clean.

Is it? I didn't notice.

Did someone power wash your windows?

I don't know what you are talking about...

I'm just saying the janitor really went to town in here...

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

There is nothing going on around here.

I'm sorry.

Just a little "hangry."

Hey, everyone.

I'll be taking over for Ms. Cannon today.

She's off supporting the LG...

TCBY community.

So, what is she teaching you all, right now.

Together: Science!

Neato.

We just learned how the world was created.

The Earth is 4.5 billion years old.

Well, that's what some people believe.

Some people?

Sure.

There are many different theories, and that's a great one.

So, let's talk about... lava.

Wait, what's another theory?

Well, at my church, we say the Earth is 6,000 years old.

So, animals evolved in 6,000 years?

If evolution was real, sure.

Wait, evolution isn't real?

It's a cool, kooky idea, but it's not what actually happened.

So, we don't need to know about

Darwin or Neanderthals or natural selection?

Nope. Science is really simple when you realize it's all just God.

Cool.

The coolest.

Ew.

Yeah, Hunter Minsky's gotta learn how to hold it.

Sam, thank you for cleaning my classroom so well, but you can't give me extra attention like that.

People are noticing.

What happened last night has to stay between us.

You look really beautiful under these fluorescent lights.

I know.

Listen, yes, you awoke my sexual beast last night and yes, I have never allowed myself to let go like that before, but...

Yeah, you broke a lot of sh1t at my place.

Oh, my God, when you took me on that Foosball table with that little soccer man up my butt...

Why can't you respect my boundaries!

I just want to keep this between us.

Why?

Because... this is a professional environment.

We can't acknowledge each other on school grounds.

Oh, yeah?

Not even a little shrimping.

Oh, there is always shrimp at this buffet.

Wow.

Uh, you're right, Sam.

Hmm, this is definitely Sheetrock.

Let's wait until Sam cleans the computer lab, Lucy.

It's way too hot and dirty in here right now.

♪ Have you ever heard a mermaid sing ♪
♪ You don't know what you're missin' ♪
♪ Have you ever heard a mermaid sing ♪
♪ Just go to the sea and listen ♪
♪ Cause a mermaid sings like this ♪
♪ Bubba bubba glub glub, bubba bubba glub glub ♪

They're underwater.

♪ And that's how a mermaid sings ♪

Ooh, stoplight.

Gotta wet wipe the dashboard.

You know what, Caroline, I'm not gonna need a ride home tonight.

Don't be silly.

Here, I'm gonna lint roll you before we get to school.

No! We're done.

The cleaning, the singing, the driving slippers...

I keep praying for a head-on collision.

No more rides!

[quietly] ♪ Bubba bubba glub glub ♪
♪ Bubba bubba glub glub ♪

Thanks for covering my class yesterday.

No problem, they were angels.

How was your protest?

Great.

We're fighting for asexual domestic partners.

Just because you're just friends doesn't mean you should be uninsured.

Hey, I just wanted to apologize for what you witnessed yesterday.

It's totally cool.

I told Lucy you were just seeing who's taller.

[laughs] Please don't tell anybody about what you saw.

You dry humping the man who pulled a dead raccoon out of the ceiling with a rake?

Exactly. He is a janitor, and I have a reputation to uphold.

But it was the best s*x of my life.

And I've had a lot of s*x.

But not in a slutty way.

Wow, Sam?

Normally, men treat me like a delicate flower.

But he took me like a wild stag that had just gored the alpha male for the privilege.

Oh, I loved it!

Holy balls.

Yeah... but you have to keep this on the down low.

I won't say anything if you can get him to snag me a whole bunch of TP.

Ever since they put locks on the dispensers, I've been stealing paper towels.

It's tearing me up.

Deal.

Oh Mylanta, Chelsea.

I can't believe you're canoodling with the janitor.

Very Downton Abbey.

Except without the elegance or manners.

I'm proud of you for giving up your obsession with power and money.

Before you know it, you'll be riding public transportation.

Feldman!

Sorry, dawg, it just came up in the natural flow of conversation.

Have you noticed how clean Chelsea's room is?

The floors aren't the only thing Sam polished.

Did you hear Principal Pearson had a fender bender in the parking lot?

Interesting that you bring up rear ending...

Hey, wanna go out to eat?

Speaking of eating out...

Ooh, an American goldfinch.

Snap [BLEEP] Sam.

So, I guess it's back to paper towels and chafing?

This is out of control.

I've gotta end things with Sam before the whole school finds out.

Chelsea...

Maybe we shouldn't have said anything.

We've all been with people we regret.

I slept with a manager of a Chick-fil-A.

I slept with a dude in an adult a cappella group.

I sharted at a Josh Groban concert.

What? We're all just saying embarrassing things we did, right?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey guys, did Ms. Bennigan teach you science yesterday?

Yep. And she made it so easy.

What exactly did she teach you?

That evolution isn't real.

What?

And that science is something atheists cling to to justify their immoral lifestyle.

I left her a lesson plan right here.

[choral music]

What's going on?

We're praying for you.

Together: Amen.

Oh, gross. Sam, I can't do this anymore.

You're a janitor and I'm a well-respected educator.

I give the other teachers something to aspire to.

If they see me with you, what kind of message does that send?

That you have good taste in men.

No, I am not gonna be in a relationship with someone who cleans up vomit for a living.

So you don't want me to snake your drain anymore?

Oh, God damn it, why is that so hot?

Oh, you like that?

Oh, yeah, big mama likes!

What the holy hell is going on here?

I was just teaching Sam to read.

Really? Is the book down your skirt?

♪ Turn it down ♪
♪ Turn it down ♪

Disinfect, please.

I am disappointed in both of you...

Especially you, Sam.

This is a professional environment, and relationships like this are not permitted.

If this continues, I will be forced to report you both to Principal Pearson.

That won't be necessary.

I was just telling Sam that...

It's fine. I don't want to be in a relationship with her.

What?

I just don't want to be with you anymore.

Then that's settled.

No, it is not settled.

You would be lucky to have me.

This is like a football player not accepting the Heisman Trophy.

I just realized that you're superficial and you care too much about what people think.

You don't know me at all.

I do not care what people think.

I just want everyone to like me.

[laughs] Look, I'm sorry, just not gonna happen.

Thought you'd be relieved.

Did he just reject me?

Why aren't you answering me?

Oh, my God, this is a dream.

This has to be a dream.

If this is a dream, wake me up!

Oh, God, it smells like him.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm just grading papers.

Did you break up with Sam?

No, he broke up with me.

I have never had this happen to me before.

It hurts!

[crying]

Hey, you wanna grab some hot wings and go eye bone the construction dudes across the street?

Oh, my God, you feel sorry for me.

I am not this person.

I've gotta go get him back.

Oh! [Grunts]

He waxed it. [Sobs]

Why did you give my class copies of "The God Delusion"?

Because you taught my class creationism.

Well, they started asking me all these questions, so I offered them both sides of the argument.

I can't help it if they chose the one that makes the most sense.

Evolution makes the most sense.

They chose God because it's easier.

Evolution's just a bunch of jumbo mumbo.

If humans evolved from monkeys, then why do monkeys still exist?

Humans didn't evolve from monkeys.

So you agree.

You're being ignorant!

You taught creationism to 194th graders.

You basically just created a whole new set of Duggars.

I thought you, of all people, would respect my beliefs.

No, because your beliefs are stupid.

You're always standing up for everybody else.

Why won't you stand up for me?

Last week, you made us all sign a petition to protect the albino narwhal... The albino narwhal!

Don't you see?

I'm the albino narwhal!

[grunts]

What're you doing?

I'm throwing away garbage like a garbage man because I don't care what people think of me.

You look weird. Are you sick?

No, I'm just not wearing makeup.

Because I'm not superficial.

Fine. I'm wearing a tinted moisturizer with SPF...

I'm not an animal!

Chelsea. Chelsea.

What?

When I said that you cared too much about what people think, I was talking about you being ashamed of people knowing about us.

Oh.

Hey, look...

[romantic music]

You're beautiful, you're smart, and your nastier than a New Orleans sewer, but I just can't be with someone who's embarrassed of me.

You have garbage water leaking into your shoes.

[yells]

Hey, Caroline.

I got a call from my mechanic.

My car's ready.

Oh, what a relief for you.

You'll never have to listen to.

"On Top of Spaghetti" again.

I had fun...

Don't lie.

I saw your face when I told you about my Anne Geddes wall.

Caroline, I'm sorry.

I was a jerk.

How about, I pick you up for work tomorrow?

Okay, fine.

It'll be nice.

We can do a morning your way.

Great. My brakes are still a little screwed up.

So, I'll honk the horn when I'm a block away and coast by.

You gotta jump in.

I had s*x with Sam, and I loved it.

I loved the way his calloused hands both stimulated and exfoliated me.

I loved the way that he thrust into me like he was plunging a toilet.

I love that we banged so many times I'm having phantom hump sensations.

[pipe clangs]

[romantic music]

I don't care what anyone thinks, I love having s*x with Sam the janitor.

Judge away, America!

[moans]

Boom.

[death metal music]

You sure you don't want a fish taco?

No, thank you.

[car horn beeps]

Son of a bitch!

You gonna cut me off?

Oh, stoplight, the great equalizer.

[engine races]

[brakes squeal]

What... Deb, what're you doing?

Hey, outta the car, you piece of sh1t!

Man: Get back in your car, you crazy bitch.

What did you say to me?

[tire iron clanging]

Hey, come on. No! No!

Oh, my God.

What're you, kidding me?

Oh, come on.

These Lyft drivers think they own the road.

Why?

Before we start the day, should we say a little prayer?

What?

I think we're too hard on Christians in this country.

In fact, they should be applauded and supported for holding tightly onto their beliefs.

Even when presented with solid evidence that unequivocally refutes them.

So, bless this bagel...

God.

[sighs]

I couldn't remember all the letters, but I think it's close.

I just want you to know that I appreciate liberals like you and the way you judge us.

It's a nice reminder that the real judgment will one day be upon us.