01x05 - Jacob

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪

[laughter]

Hey, Caroline.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

[all oohing]

Have you ever given road head?

I'm not playing anymore.

Totally a yes.

[laughter]

My turn.

Mary Louise, truth or dare?

Dare.

I dare you to stick this bottle up your butt.

[laughter]

Breathe deep!

Start with the skinny side!

Oh, right?

Oh. Uh-uh.

I hate when you guys do this.

You're acting like a middle school clique.

Oh, my God.

You're right.

That is so awesome.

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

Kim Rigsby and Claire Strauss.

John Glenn High School.

Oh, Caroline Watson?

It's been years since someone's called me by my maiden name.

We're just a couple old married ladies now.

Wow. Congratulations.

So, what about you?

Did Jacob ever put a ring on it?

Oh, no.

We actually broke up.

Yeah, I heard that.

Then why did you ask?

So, what have you been up to?

I'm just single and teaching.

How brave.

It is so great to see you moving on.

Jacob clearly has.

Oh, no. He would've told me if he was dating someone.

I'm gonna need a ride to the hospital.

♪ ♪

Seriously, I'm fine.

[muffled wincing]

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

You and your little group pressured her into putting a bottle up her butt.

My little group?

You were there, and you didn't do anything to stop her.

Yeah, but I wasn't a part of it.

Oh.

Is Ethical Ethel not part of the group anymore?

I'm your friend, but I can't condone cliquey behavior.

Mary Louise, do you hear something?

It sounds like someone's talking, but I don't see anyone.

Are you serious?

Yeah, Cecelia is talking.

Cecelia is here?

Oh, where?

I only see people that are in my "group."

You know what, this is just like in middle school when I wouldn't help egg Cindy Hirsch's house because it was mean, and I was vegan.

[gasps] The notebook is floating!

[laughter]

♪ ♪

Siri, are rectal foreign objects a frequent cause of emergency room visits? [Tablet chimes]

Yes.

Both: Hey.

Turns out Mary Louise isn't alone.

Dude, since when do you have an iPad?

I thought you said they were just for step dads who were trying to relate.

Yeah, but I got really into Pinterest.

You should see my Victorian funeral boards.

How much did this thing cost?

Nada.

I lifted it from the lost and found.

As far as I'm concerned, after three months, it's up for grabs.

It sounds easier than shoplifting, not that I know anything about shoplifting.

I just figured their Lululemon mommies will buy them new ones.

I did almost all my Christmas shopping in the lost and found.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Anything you can dream of is in there, and about 300 retainers.

Hey, have you seen any Heelys?

What are Heelys?

You know, the shoes with the wheels in them.

You can walk normally, then all of a sudden, you start rolling forever.

I know we're all excited to learn about clouds today, but last night, I started to get nostalgic, and I just thought... yes, Carl?

What does... n-n-n-n-nostalgic mean?

It means a bittersweet longing for people or things from the past.

Anyway, I ran into some old friends, and when I got home, I went online and looked up my ex-boyfriend Jacob's profile.

But, Ms. Watson, you promised you wouldn't do that anymore.

Yeah.

I know I said that, Beth, but I'm an adult, and I needed to do this.

Okay.

So, who wants to play a game?

[overlapping chatter]

Great.

This game is called "Friends or More Than Friends."

I'm gonna show you the photos that Jacob posted online of him and this girl, and I want you to tell me if they look like friends or more than friends, okay?

Friends or more than friends?

All: Friends!

Great.

Friends or more than friends?

All: Friends.

Friends or more than friends?

It's okay. You can be honest.

Yes?

More than friends?

David, go to the principal's office!

But...

Now!

[door opens and closes]

Okay.

Friends or more than friends?

All: Friends.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

You shouldn't squint so much.

You'll start looking like Keith Richards.

Yeah, Keith Richards.

Well, I wouldn't have to squint if you'd just scoot over so I could sit in the shade.

Oh, we'd be perfectly willing to scoot over, but then people might think you're in the clique.

Yeah, the clique.

I will never be in your clique.

Cliques encourage exclusivity, and I want to promote acceptance.

Well, how about accepting that your deodorant crystal can't stand up to 80 degrees in alpaca?

Yeah, alpaca.

Okay, you need to stop that.

Yeah, stop that.

Seriously?

Oh.

I feel like a sweat lodge tragedy waiting to happen.

We have plenty of beverages to cool you down on this side.

In fact, I'm thirsty.

Bottle up your butt, up your butt, up your butt, up your butt, up your butt.

[sighs] All right.

I can't take it anymore. I'm in.

Yay!

I'm so proud of you.

[laughs]

See, isn't it so fun over here?

I'm so happy.

I haven't been this excited since I convinced David Weinberger to accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior.

♪ ♪

[sobbing]

Ms. Watson, I wanted to introduce you to Ginny Groves.

She'll be our substitute speech therapist for the week.

Hi.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, wow.

You're here.

You're the l-l-l-l-lady from the p-p-p-p...

Carl, that's enough!

Well, it's great to have you here, Jenny.

Oh, it's Ginny.

G-I-N-N-Y.

Oh.

I would've pronounced that "Giney."

Well, I will be back a little later to take Carl from you.

Haven't you already taken enough?

What?

What?

What?

Ms. Watson, perhaps you can show Ginny around, answer any questions Ginny has?

Of course.

And I might even have some questions for her.

[laughs]

Looking forward to it, Giney.

Ginny.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

She looks prettier in person.

I want you to go to the corner and think about what you just said, okay?

♪ Tear it down ♪

That's the famous Jacob.

I can't believe I have to spend the day with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend.

Yeah, she sucks.

What do you think, Cecelia?

You're in the group, aren't you?

Yeah, she's a tramp.

Aww, thank you.

I taught him to do all that stuff.

When he refused to read "The Notebook,"

I played the movie while he slept so he would subliminally absorb it.

Why did you guys break up again?

I suggested we get a puppy, you know, to warm him up to the idea of a baby.

But he was so commitment-phobic that when I brought it up, he broke up with me over a dog.

b*st*rd.

We were really in love.

I thought we were gonna get married.

Oh, my God!

That hussy is kissing my ex-boyfriend in front of my school!

Don't worry, girl.

We got your back.

Yeah.

That bitch better sleep with one eye open, or I'm gonna stab her in the neck!

♪ ♪

This is the teachers' lounge.

Coffee, doughnuts, you get it. Moving on.

Ooh, I love your bracelet.

Thanks.

I made it.

A fellow crafter?

Do you tumble your own stones?

Uh, yeah.

It's not homemade unless you tumble your own stones.

That's what I always say.

You know what?

I have always wanted to take that class at the adult learning annex, but they always fill up.

Ugh, tell me about it.

Yes, and when a spot did open up, it was on a Wednesday when I have synchronized swimming class.

Oh, my God.

I also do water ballet.

Okay.

Hold on.

On the count of three, say your favorite synchronized swimming position.

One, two, three.

Both: Dolphin arch!

Everyone always says, "Flamingo position."

I know, but it is...

both: A total waste of time!

[both laugh]

Wow!

We have so much in common.

You would not believe how many people don't share my interests!

I know!

We should totally hang out.

Yes!

You should come to a wine tasting with me and my boyfriend sometime!

No, I can't.

I'm busy.

Moving on.

Feldman?

Are you trying out a Harajuku girl lifestyle?

Sorry, dude.

Gotta turn down these sweet jams.

Is all this stuff from the lost and found?

Yeah.

But clothes can be problematic.

I fit into this vest, but I had to cut myself out of a pair of jeans.

You're too obvious.

You're supposed to keep your eye on an item for a while, and then steal it.

Chill out, McGruff the Crime Dog.

I rock this stuff like I was born wearing it.

Hey, my sunglasses!

I've been looking for those!

Well, apparently, you missed my face because that's where I've been holding them for you.

You stole them.

I'm telling Principal Pearson.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Here you go.

And here's an iPad to keep quiet.

What?

One kid noticed.

Hey, that's my vest!

I'm telling!

Principal Pearson! Principal Pearson!

Then Tucky surprised me the other day with a hot air balloon ride.

"Tucky"?

Oh, I started calling Jacob that after he surprised me with a trip to Nantucket. Tucky!

Have you ever been there?

Yeah.

It's my favorite island.

Oh, he's the best.

Wow. Sounds like he doesn't have any flaws like not putting back your decorative pillows after he makes the bed or forgetting to use your rose-petal room mist after using the bathroom.

Oh, he used to do stuff like that all the time, but not anymore.

He said he wanted to change for me.

Amazing.

Although, there is one thing about him that drives me nuts.

Great.

I mean, what is it?

He's too involved.

Sometimes I'm like, "Okay, just because I'm reading all of Nicholas Sparks' books doesn't mean you have to."

[laughs] Right?

Right.

[grunts]

This potholder is taking forever.

Oh, I just finished mine.

The T is for "Tucky."

You know what you and Tucky should do?

What?

You should adopt a dog.

Aww.

[laughter]

This will teach her to date one of our friends' ex-boyfriends!

[laughter]

You spelled the name wrong.

It's Ginny with a G.

I know.

I'm being mean.

[laughter]

I just took a dump in her desk.

Oh, my God.

It's not even her desk.

She's a sub.

This clique rules!

I don't know why I didn't do this in middle school.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Have you guys seen the movie "Carrie"?

I have pig's blood in my trunk from my last protest.

I'll be right back!

♪ ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪

[sobbing] Oh, there you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

What's wrong?

Did you get shut out of the herbal soap making class?

No.

Jacob and I broke up.

I just feel sick.

[sobbing]

What happened?

Last night, we got home from a couple's cooking class.

You guys go to cooking class?

Yeah.

And everything was going fine until I decided to bring up getting a dog like you suggested.

Uh-huh?

And he totally freaked out, and he said that that was exactly what happened with his ex.

[sobbing]

Did he say anything else about her?

What?

No.

And then, before I knew it, he was just... he said it was over!

And then, this morning, I get here, and some students had vandalized my office.

That's terrible.

Someone actually defecated in my desk drawer.

Oh, my God.

And I'm pretty sure they were vegan 'cause the smell was awful.

Oh, my God.

And I just... ugh!

I've never had my heart broken like this before.

I thought he was the one.

I know.

It's the worst feeling.

I've got to go disinfect my desk.

But maybe we can talk later?

Sure.

Okay.

You're an angel.

I'm a monster.

Crap!

Did I miss her?

No running!

Dude, I'm sorry I derailed your lost and found gravy train.

It's okay.

I knew it was too good to last.

You put all your stuff back?

Yeah.

My husband's gonna be pissed when he realizes half our Xbox games and our stash of ADD meds are gone.

Hmm.

Did you return everything?

Yeah.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Feldman.

Smell you later.

[uplifting music]

♪ ♪

You bounce back surprisingly quickly after putting a bottle up your butt.

You know, the human body's pretty amazing, the way it heals itself.

Oh, my God, you guys!

Guess what! Hey!

What did I tell you, you bald freak?

You don't sit at our table!

Get the hell out of here!

[laughs]

What is wrong with you?

That is Mr. Spinnoli.

He teaches special ed.

So?

Okay.

I can't take it anymore.

I am dissolving this clique.

What?

You are out of control.

This morning's desk incident?

Who can poop on cue?

I doubled up on my mung beans.

This clique used to be fun, but now it's kind of scary.

Yeah.

I dated a Latin King once, and it was not this bad.

So we're done?

Yeah.

We are done.

Good.

I'm glad I made my point.

What point?

I decided the best way to show you how awful cliques were was to infiltrate yours and mimic your behavior... to affect social change.

Right.

You took a dump for change.

I just can't believe it's over.

Don't beat yourself up.

It's perfectly reasonable to want a dog.

You're absolutely right, Caroline.

You know what? I am so glad we met.

You... you have been such a great friend.

Actually, that's not true.

Listen...

Excuse me.

Where's the teachers' lounge?

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, my pen!

What?

Ginny.

I need to talk to you.

Jacob, what are you doing here?

I freaked out yesterday.

I-I blew it.

Did you get me a puppy?

No, I got us a puppy.

And that's not all. Here.

I've never met another woman like you.

No one has ever measured up to you.

No one ever will.

Virginia Anne Groves... will you marry me?

Tucky!

Yes! Yes!

Are you kidding me?

Did you seriously just propose at my school?

I did everything for you.

Eat [bleep]! Eat [bleep]! Eat [bleep]! Eat [bleep]!

Eat [bleep]!

You, sir, can eat [bleep]!

Eat [bleep]! Eat [bleep]!

Eat all of the [bleep]!

Just eat it!

You're a [bleep] eater!

Eat [bleep]! Eat [bleep]!

Eat it! Eat [bleep]!

Ginny...

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

This is a really great dog.

Jacob, you can eat [bleep].

Yeah.

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪

Rough day, sister.

How you holding up?

I'm fine.

I think I handled it really well.

Besides, she needs to get married so she can change her last name.

Virginia Ann Groves?

Her monogram is VAG.

[women giggling]

[indistinct chatter]

I'll be right back.

Hello.

Caroline.

We'd hoped we'd see you here.

Oh, why?

So you could rub it in my face that I'm still single?

Well, guess what.

Jacob got engaged to another woman today, and I actually helped.

And I realized I don't need to get married.

I don't need a man.

I don't need anyone.

I can sit at home all day watching international...

Is that what I want to do?

I'm a survivor.

I listen to Beyoncé.

So... *** bitches!

We were going to give you my brother's number.

He is a surgeon.

And I now glad to take it.