01x06 - Drunk Kiss

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪

You know there's no music, right?

Don't need it. I am celebrating.

That bitch, Alyssa F., got transferred out of my class.

[laughs]

Whoo!

Bye-bye! [laughs]

Alyssa with the leg braces?

Look, I know it sounds rough, but everyone telling her "you can do anything" gave her a serious attitude problem.

Whoo! We're so drunk.

[both laughing]

Why are we watching this?

Because it's sad.

Because it's hilarious.

Watch my purse.

Gotta drop some diamonds in the vault.

Be still, my babies.

Whoopsie, girlie-o. [laughs] This way.

We're having fun. [laughs]

You guys, I have to tell you about the most amazing book I'm reading, "The System" by Dr. Daffodil Shalomar.

What's The System?

The System is all about the power of positive thinking.

It says that if you want something, you just demand it and it'll happen.

You know that's bullshit, right?

Oh, really? Because last night, I demanded more order in my life, and this morning, The Container Store sent me this coupon.

The System works.

Uh-ohh. No, no, this way. Okay, here we go.

Oh, get your roots done. You make me sick!

Oh, we're making fun of people, which means we're having fun.

I feel fat.

No.

Yeah.

Chelsea, you look like a supermodel.

You're practically anorexic.

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, what would I do without you constantly complimenting me?

Okay, I have to get out of this jumper.

I feel like a Chilean miner in here.

Thanks, bitch. I just love ya.

♪ One crush Before we knew it ♪
♪ We were deep in love ♪

Hey, don't forget, this is the last week you can get your physical if you want insurance to cover it.

Why do we have to answer all those personal questions?

Had mine this morning. Gotta say, not as much fun as when the breast exam van comes by.

There's no breast exam van.

Oh, sh1t.

I demand water!

[door opens]

[Asian pipe music]

[gasps]

[whispering] The System works.

No. I set up a delivery yesterday.

Or did I set it up with my mind?

I cannot believe you're buying into this commercialized spirituality.

That book comes with a T-shirt.

Jodi Sweetin swears by it.

It's what finally got her off meth.

Does The System work for things you don't want to happen?

Hey, girl. Fun night last night.

Here, take some of this lotion.

I feel like I just gave 11 hand jobs.

[sweet music]

♪ ♪

I just love ya.

♪ Two kids, one crush ♪
♪ Before we knew it we were deep in love ♪

Stop it!

I have to go teach a class.

So nobody's been in a van that gives breast exams?

All right class, the first step of the scientific method is to ask a question. Today's question is... what happened to Seal's face?

Brad?

He got burned by oil.

What a great detail. Great critical thinking.

Good job. Yeah, sweetie?

Maybe he got scratched by a tiger.

Mm-hmm, yeah, that's a real possibility too.

Polly?

I think he's allergic to seals.

Wow, guys. Is Seal allergic to seals?

Or is he allergic to himself?

A bit too much?

Ms. Feldman? I need to see you in my office, now.

All: Ooh!

[mocking] Ooh!

I love you guys. [chuckles]

All right, everyone, hand in your pen pal letters for the elderly.

Hey, give it back! I need it.

Avery? Maria?

No, I want... I want it!

What's going on back here?

She's touching my crayons.

Avery, are you touching Maria's crayons?

Yeah, I want a crayon.

If you want to touch someone's crayons, you should find someone who's okay with having their crayons touched.

But I thought we were supposed to share.

No! No more sharing!

It sends a very confusing message.

She's my friend.

I don't care.

Avery, you want more from Maria than Maria is willing to give.

Maria, I think you should stop being Avery's friend.

It's not that big of a deal.

It's the biggest deal ever!

You can't just touch your best friend's crayons and expect everything to be okay!

Ms. Feldman, you know that health history form you filled out during your annual physical?

Did you mean to check every box yes?

Yes.

Why would you do that?

You can't have every condition on that form.

I do.

You take drugs?

Mm-hmm.

You never exercise?

No.

Often have feelings of paranoia?

None of us could believe you checked that one.

Oh, it's stuff like that that makes me paranoid.

And you frequently experience emotional instability, hallucinations, delusions of grandeur?

On my period, yes!

Why did you check that you have suicidal thoughts?

Because I have a lot of opinions about suicide.

Oh! Now that I'm hearing that question aloud...

Well, thanks to your answers, the school district is sending a psychologist to evaluate your classroom performance.

Oh, I do not think that is necessary.

The district does.

Your answers were very disturbing.

Very disturbing!

We're done here.

Oh.

For the record, suicidal opinions are a lot different than suicidal thoughts.

For sure. Thank you.

Hey, girl. You smell good.

Oh, that's right, it's my lotion.

You and I are eating lunch on the playground today.

There is this hot homeless guy wandering around the neighborhood.

He looks just like Joaquin Phoenix.

Oh, my God, maybe it is Joaquin Phoenix.

I can't.

Why not?

I ...have to go build a wood shack and make Ranch dip.

What?

I like you as a friend, but we're not exclusive lunch buddies.

All right, whatever. Bye, Felicia.

♪ Tear it down ♪

Hey girl, you missed some goodies at lunch today.

I was ears deep in a hot muffin.

[gasps]

[scoffs]

Is it just me or is Bennigan acting weird lately?

No, I just had lunch with her and she seemed fine.

Oh, dang! Let me ask you this.

If you had neighbors next door that were loud, you'd call that hearing voices, wouldn't you?

Wait, you had lunch with her?

Whatever.

I didn't even want to have lunch with her today anyway.

Did you know that she posts YouTube videos on how to fold a fitted sheet? Weird, right?

[gasps] You're still here?

What the heck?

Did you two have a fight or something?

We're, like, not even close enough friends to have a fight.

Besides, I have tons of friends. Too many friends.

In fact, last year during spring cleaning, I got rid of some friends.

Get out of my face!

What are you doing?

I'm making a vision board.

The System says it'll complement my demands and help me achieve my goals.

Oh. Is that an infinity pool?

Yes, and a husband with a boat, a private orchard, and a bathroom with a telephone.

You do know you make $37,000 a year, right?

I don't like your attitude. I demand that you leave.

[Asian pipe music]

Just so you know, I'm leaving because I can't stand to be around this idiocy anymore, not because you willed it.

The System works.

[Asian pipe music]

Ugh, I look heinous.

I can feel my heartbeat through this pimple.

Ugh. Yeah, when that thing blows, it's gonna be like Pompeii in here.

Okay, I'm clearly not doing well, so the polite thing to do when someone criticizes themselves is to compliment them.

Sorry, Chelsea, I'm not gonna "Bennigan" you.

Oh.

How am I supposed to feel good about myself?

[groans]

[sobs]

I was going to the bathroom and suddenly, for no reason, I couldn't breathe.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, there was a reason.

And since we have nurse-patient confidentiality, I guess I can tell you.

My best friend Chelsea's suffering because she's in love with me.

Mm-hmm.

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

We're so beautiful.

♪ ♪

[gasps]

But I can't help her.

You have to understand, I never knew she felt this way about me.

Mm-hmm.

Seriously.

She sleeps with hundreds of men and practically lives at the Ramada.

How was I to know?

Mm-hmm.

I can't be her girlfriend.

I mean, when my friend Josiah was caught kissing boys at Rapture Camp, they sent him to North Dakota so he could stop being gay.

I don't want to go to North Dakota!

Mm-hmm.

You're right.

I have to cut her out of my life.

Thank you.

[door squeaking]

I don't get paid enough to deal with these crazy bitches.

Are you nervous about the evaluation?

Nah, when they come to my classroom, I'll just put on that video where monkeys teach fractions.

[chuckles] It's hilarious.

Feldman, this is really serious.

If they find you mentally unstable, they can take away your teaching license.

It's okay.

You just have to act like a normal teacher.

Oh, crap.

And that was how I realized Houses for Humans was corporatizing their donations.

I'm sorry. I'm confused.

What does this story have to do with me?

Have you talked to Bennigan?

What is going on with you two?

I don't know. She's avoiding me.

It sucks not having my little Christian with me all day.

I miss our talks about "Teen Mom" where we guess which one will be the first to get their kid taken away.

But I, like, don't really miss her or anything.

Of course you do. She's your best friend.

She is not my best friend.

Yeah, she is.

No, she's not.

She's my co-worker.

We just make our mid-afternoon French presses together.

And we make fun of Rhonda the gym teacher and her FUPA, and one time when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, and my cheeks blew up like a chipmunk, she shoved food in her cheeks so she looked like a chipmunk, and we created these characters called.

♪ Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk... ♪

Oh, my God, she's my best friend.

Mary Louise!

♪ Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk ♪

I'm not a chipmunk.

I'm a woman.

♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪

I've never seen you here before 7:30.

Did your date have an early checkout at the Ramada?

No. I'm waiting for Mary Louise.

Huh.

Look who's become the bottom bitch.

[gasps]

[strained gasp]

Wait, Mary Louise!

I don't know what happened between us, but I am sorry if I did something wrong.

I got you this bracelet to show you how much I appreciate our friendship.

Look, "What Would Jesus Do?"

[tense rock music]

♪ ♪

What would Jesus do?

He would not do this!

[gasps]

What is going on?

[bell ringing]

[funk music]

♪ ♪

Hello, my wonderful class.

Last night, I wondered where all of you were, but then I remembered you're not really my children.

[clears throat]

These pantyhose are itchy.

Er than normal, because I wear them every day.

Why are you dressed funny?

You usually dress like my sad uncle who yells at ghosts.

[laughs]

Oh, I ain't afraid of no ghost.

[glass breaking]

[children gasping]

Gonna take the spectacles off.

Okay, my little learning lizards, why don't we pull out our workbooks that we work on every day?

Brad, can you, uh, tell me the answer to number one on page 24?

No, you made us turn our notebooks into origami.

Remember?

On that day that we did the "Karate Kid" marathon.

[laughs nervously]

Forget the workbooks!

Why don't we move on to social studies?

How many studies do we think are social, hmm?

Who are you?

Yeah, we miss Miss Feldman.

She's right here!

It's me, Miss Feldman!

[children exclaiming] Nothing about this is weird.

Okay? Can we show Miss F some respect?

And just go with it for one minute.

Let's review something we all know.

Macho Man Randy Savage!

All: Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

[all cheering]

I just miss her so much.

Maybe I should just give in to what she wants.

But I can't.

They'd never let me back at Rapture Camp and I'd miss Pastor Ted's Annual Banana Swallowing Contest.

[sighs]

Without Chelsea, who's going to ask me for money and let me be their sober driver?

[snores]

You're right.

I have to make a choice.

Thanks, Joaquin.

I don't get paid enough to deal with these crazy bitches.

Hey, Cecilia, do you have my label-maker because...

Hey!

You got "The System."

You did the right thing.

Now we can both benefit from it.

Unless one of us is better at it.

[inhales sharply] What do you mean?

If the two of us have conflicting desires, only one of us can get what they want.

Oh, no.

Caroline...

I want you to stop using the System.

If the System works as you say, then, because I willed it, it should happen.

But...

I demand you stop using the System.

But I don't want to stop using the System.

Yes, but I do want you to stop.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Okay! [gasping]

Okay!

I can't fight you.

The System is stronger in you.

[Asian pipe music]

But now you have to admit that the System works.

I would have to admit that... if I actually read the book!

[gasps]

[dramatic chords]

You've taken everything from me.

I need to talk to you.

I know I seemed crazy earlier, but that's only because the other teachers talked me into not teaching my normal crazy way.

I don't know how to act normal, so it seemed crazy.

And now this seems crazy, Goddammit.

Look, I'm a really good teacher.

You should see me teach multiplication using Lionel Richie's "Three Times a Lady."

It's like Dead Poets Society.

Just stop talking. You're a train wreck.

I looked at your health questionnaire and it says you've taken Ecstasy.

Hey, wait up. We need to talk.

[suspenseful music]

I realized how important you are to me.

Stop!

[hyperventilating]

I need you!

I love you!

[whimpering]

No, get away from me!

Mary Louise, you are acting crazy!

[grunting]

Tell me what I did please!

[hyperventilating]

Please.

♪ Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk ♪
♪ Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk ♪

Chelsea...

♪ I'm a fool for you ♪
♪ Fool for you ♪
♪ Yeah, you toss me round ♪
♪ And I just come back ♪
♪ 'cause it seems it's true ♪

Oh...

What are you doing?

[whimpers]

Dude...

Oh, my God, you took off your panthose?

I can't believe you didn't get fired.

He passed me in exchange for some Ecstasy.

But that's not all.

Guess who's going to Burning Man with Dr. Hazel?

Oh, my God, again?

Seriously, what are you doing?

If you don't want this, then why did you kiss me at Fitzpatrick's?

What? I kissed everybody that night.

Yeah.

She got me.

She did.

I got tongue.

You kissed everybody that night?

Yeah. I was drunk.

[gasps]

As Devil, you are fuzzy.