01x07 - Bad Tweeter

And that's why you should never have s*x at a renaissance faire.

Hey.

What's up?

I'm struggling to get through to this girl in my class, Camille.

She's painfully shy.

I'm not surprised.

I just read this great article on Jezebel about how women are constantly being silenced and...

Shh! She's just shy. She's not oppressed.

I was like that until I first stumbled into an AOL chat room.

That's where I discovered my anger... and my sexuality.

Hey!

[gasps]

I see y'all got my tweet.

Yeah. Very classy, Chelsea.

What?

The word you used?

In this context, it means friends.

"See you at Fitzpatrick's. TGIF, twats."

[laughter]

Yeah, friends.

You know what it usually means?

Butthole.

Wrong side, genius.

That would be a "balloon knot" or a "stink star."

"Chocolate starfish."

Or "rusty bullet hole."

♪ La la la la la la ♪

Whatever. It's just a tweet. It's not a big deal.

You're suspended.

What? Why?

Does this tweet look familiar?

You follow me on Twitter?

Principal Pearson?

I'm here as Ms. Snap's union rep.

This meeting does not take place without me in attendance.

Great! I was hoping this would take twice as long.

Ms. Snap, I've spent my morning fielding phone calls from angry parents.

How many? Did they retweet it?

Oh, my God. Did I go viral?

This is nothing to be proud of.

That tweet was totally inappropriate.

That's why I'm suspending you.

What?

You can't hold her accountable for what she does outside of school.

Actually, I can.

Oh, my God, I have 41 followers now.

You know she can't use that word.

What word?

It means...

What?

[mumbling] v*g1n*.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.

v*g1n*.

Oh.

Hmm.

In the context it was used, it meant friend.

Ms. Snap is my twat.

I don't care!

Ms. Snap, you're suspended for three days.

This is an outrage!

I know. [scoffs]

You're doing the right thing.

[rock music]

♪ Take down ♪

This poor kid has no confidence.

Usually society waits until puberty to make girls an insecure mess.

Let me talk to her.

I'm the "Shy Kid Whisperer."

'Sup, girlfriend?

You like rap?

John Waters films?

Okay. How about a story?

Let me tell you a story about a shy little otter her freshman year of college.

One night, she went to a Phish concert but was too shy to talk to anyone else.

But then, a friendly otter offered her a courage brownie.

After one bite, she started talking to other people.

After two bites, she started singing.

After three bites, she was riding on top of shirtless boy otters' shoulders, wearing nothing but her smile and a glow-stick tiara.

She woke up with her new otter friends in a cool van with curtains and a tattoo she didn't even have to pay for.

And all it took was a little bit of courage for her to find her voice.

The end.

Thanks.

Consider her whispered.

Pearson can't hold us accountable for our actions outside of school.

We will not be silenced, and we can't...

Shh! I'm on the phone.

Yes, I would like to hear more about the Wine Country getaway package.

You guys, think about it.

If this could happen to Chelsea, it could happen to any of us.

No, because we're not idiots, and we actually think before we act.

[coughing]

I don't know what to do.

I mean, Chelsea's my best friend in the whole world, but it's the T word.

This is why you have to be very careful on social media.

One time, I tweeted that I love the Olive Garden, and now my Italian friends won't talk to me.

Ms. Snap, you should have vacated the premises 30 minutes ago.

I'm on the phone.

Principal Pearson, in support of our sister Chelsea's right to a life outside of school, I have decided to be the Rosa Parks of Fillmore Elementary...

But you're white.

And stand up for justice!

She definitely sat down.

We're staging a walkout!

Come on, everyone!

To the parking lot!

Suspended!

[scoffs]

[rock music]

Great reading, everyone!

Now, what did we all learn from the story?

[gasps] Oh, Camille!

I'm so glad you want to participate.

I learned that Michael's lisp hasn't gotten any better, McKenzie's nose whistles when she breathes...

[nose whistles]

And Bridget sucks at reading.

Those aren't very nice things to say.

What I meant was, what did we learn from the story itself?

Oh, well, I learned that the poor little girl in the story is a lot like Linda, because Linda lives in an apartment and wears supermarket sneakers.

Camille, I'm very glad you're sharing your voice with us, but children in my class are not allowed to speak like that.

Okay?

Oh! Because you know everything about children.

You don't even have any children because no one will marry you.

[children gasp]

So you see, Jesus forgave Peter, even though he spoke against him.

And I'm sure if Peter had used the T word on scroll or parchment...

I'm not going to revoke Ms. Snap and Ms. Cannon's suspensions.

Oh, I'm just here for Ms. Snap.

I can't bear to think of my best friend out there suffering.

[opera music]

Mm. Ah!

I'm gonna need to try that one again.

I know you and Snap have some sort of master-slave relationship, but what she did is unacceptable.

But what she did isn't nearly as bad as some of the things the other teachers do outside of school.

Really?

Oh, yeah!

At Mrs. Adler's Wiccan ceremonies, she has group s-e-x to make the crops grow better.

[dramatic music]

Hmm.

That does put things in perspective.

What else do the other teachers do?

Oh, brother, so much stuff!

I was hoodwinked!

Principal Pearson asked me so many questions, and I didn't realize what was happening before it was too late!

Too late for what?

I told him all about your horrible personal lives.

Deb, he knows you're a Wiccan.

I'm sorry, what?

Caroline, I told him about the photos from your sorority Pimps and Hos party.

Flickr, 2006.

Feldman, I may have accidentally told him what happened at Bonnaroo!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry!

Come on, what is the password?

[computer beeps]

Yankeecandle272.

[computer beeps] [groans]

Jacobswife9696.

[computer beeps]

Talbots?

I'm calling to follow up on my assault case.

No, not the Air and Water Show. The Phish concert.

Mom, I need you to log in to your You Tube page and take down all of the Wiccan videos you posted of me.

AlwaysBrunchin8. [high-pitched beep]

Yes! Delete!

No, I can't delete them.

You posted them from your You Tube account.

Open your Internet browser.

Click on the little compass!

So you never found Ms. Feldman sleeping on a park bench that morning on your way to school.

Good, but if that ever happens again and it's a school day, wake me up.

What are you doing?

Nothing. What are you doing?

Nothing.

So you know that Camille kid?

Mm, the shy kid I whispered?

Yeah. She sucks! She needs to be unwhispered.

She's going around insulting everyone.

She's just experiencing growing pains.

Think of this as the chrysalis stage before she emerges as a butterfly.

Who feeds on the nectar of other people's insecurities.

What are you staring at?

I'm just trying to imagine you at a Pimps and Hos party.

I went as a classy hooker.

I was an escort for boarding school headmasters.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

I'm totally freaking out.

Me too.

I mean, getting suspended is like the first step to becoming a crack whore!

Hello, ladies.

[gasps]

all: Hello, Principal Pearson.

How is everyone?

Pleasant and normal.

I've had a very uneventful day.

Clearly, you're all aware of the conversation Ms. Bennigan and I had.

I can neither confirm nor deny my knowledge of such an interaction.

I haven't found proof of your misconduct yet, but if I do, be prepared for the same consequences as Ms. Snap and Ms. Cannon.

Oh, my God, I can't decoupage on the streets.

[rock music]

Hiyo, girlios!

You guys, I didn't tell Pearson everything.

I didn't tell him that you stabbed the school accordion.

I was putting it out of its misery.

Wait, how did you know about that?

Everybody knows about that.

Oh, yeah?

Well, everybody knows about you lying about your grandma dying, so you could go to roller derby regionals.

Uh, it was the national semifinals.

[laughs]

Oh, that's funny, Miss Queefing over the PA?

You said that was between us!

It's not a secret if everyone can hear it.

Apparently, nothing is a secret.

Stop it!

Why are we fighting? We're the lucky ones.

We're still here! Think about poor Chelsea.

Mm. Do you wanna see my tits?

[laughs]

We're not the enemy. Principal Pearson is!

She's right.

He can't expect us to change who we are outside of school.

Yeah, I can't leave my coven.

I've already paid my annual dues.

And I'm sorry, but women should be allowed to dress like whores if they want.

What are they going to do next? Cancel Halloween?

There's only one person who can get us out of this mess.

[doorbell gong chime]

[chanting music playing]

Well, well, well.

♪ Take down ♪
♪ Take down ♪

This smells interesting. What is it?

Yak butter tea.

It's made with the breast milk of pack animals.

[spitting]

Do you really not own one chair?

Chairs are first-world constructs that eliminate our connection to the earth.

Okay, we've gotta draw attention to our cause.

You know what? We need to organize a march.

Again, you're white.

It'll end with us storming the Board of Education with the community behind us!

Principal Pearson can't ignore that.

Someone check the weather. If it's nice, we'll march naked.

[rock music]

I think the march will have a great turnout.

I sent an e-vite to everyone in my Celine Dion fan club, Celine on Me.

Ah, it's gonna be huge.

I told three different Domino's delivery guys.

You two stink at teeter-totter!

Everyone's laughing at you.

That kid is the devil.

She just needs some gentle guidance.

What she needs is to be driven off into the middle of the woods and left there.

I got this.

'Sup, girlfriend?

You're a real mess.

[laughs] Why would you say that?

It's always the head cases that want to help the quiet ones.

Say what?

Stop trying to get your life right through me!

Oh, okay, Ms. Feldman's gonna tell you a story about a college otter who got tweaked out on courage and got a little bit too mouthy!

You already wasted my time with this.

Ah... zip it!

Once there was a formerly shy otter who followed a band by the name of Phish.

By the time Phish was headlining Bonnaroo, she decided that nobody was a better Phish fan than she was.

And after a heated argument on whether or not the band had sold out by doing stadium shows, she ripped off an antenna from a VW bus and whipped a fake, white Rasta otter with it until he was really, really, really hurt.

But what she didn't know was, that otter was an undercover narcotics officer.

Mm-hmm. She ended up in jail.

A prison otter's bitch.

And all that could have been avoided if she hadn't used her otter voice to be such a rotten little a-hole to the other otters.

The end.

I don't want to be a prison otter's bitch!

I'm sorry!

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Bloostery, Ember, we need to make sure there are water stations at every mile mark.

Hi! You must be members of Deb's coven.

I want to thank you for canonizing our march with your sacred invocations.

I bribed them with the nacho waterfall.

Get on it!

We can't have dehydrated marchers!

Into the night, my little ravens!

Great turnout.

You would not believe how many cute guys support a woman's right to dress like a ho.

Yes!

Check out my shirt.

[laughs] It's puff paint! I made it myself.

Cool. I made one too.

Great! We're all here.

Let's get this march started.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Tonight we are taking back the twat!

Before we march, I'd like to invite the woman who started this all to say a few words.

Chelsea Snap!

Chelsea?

[opera music]

Ma'am, that's sold by the ounce.

It's not complimentary.

Go [BLEEP] yourself.

I'm sure she'll be here any second.

So everybody knows the plan.

We'll be marching through the streets to the Board of Education.

We are going to overcome this oppression!

[crowd gasps]

Isn't this a little much?

Mm, when did he shave his mustache?

Principal Pearson!

Yeah, we get it, Deb.

No! Principal Pearson!

Principal Pearson, what are you doing here?

I'm a member of Celine on Me.

You will all be held accountable!

No. This was my idea, and I refuse to be silenced.

Shush!

You are all suspended!

He can't stop us!

Look how many of us came out to support this cause!

Let the march begin!

[dramatic music]

All right, it's about that time.

Who's here for Trivia Night?

[crowd cheers]

One minute, that way. Have fun, guys!

[crowd cheers]

[banging on drum]

[gasps]

♪ Take down ♪
♪ Take down ♪

Ms. Cannon, your suspension isn't up until Monday.

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

But I've had time to think, and I just wanted to let you know I understand now that the actions of the staff do reflect on the school.

I'm glad.

In fact, I've been researching the activities of other staff members.

Good for you.

I didn't realize that you spent a year in clown college.

Yes, I did, in France, where it's considered an art form.

Now if you don't mind, I'm busy.

I also saw a video of you winning the 1987 quad-city aerobics championships.

Yes, Olivia Newton-John presented me with the Gold Headband.

Is there anything else?

Actually, there is.

My friend Meadow, who I lived in a yurt with in college, works down at the county courthouse.

And apparently in 1996, you were arrested in Peoria for publicly defecating behind a Motel 6.

I'm just here to offer my support, Toby.

I mean, I'd hate to see you go down in this witch-hunt environment.

And don't worry, I'll keep this so no one gets a hold of it.

I lost my room key.

To Cecelia.

Awesome.

You're a baller, girl.

Yeah, thanks for getting our suspensions revoked.

I couldn't have done it without you guys.

Now our personal lives are nobody else's business.

Ah, thank goodness.

It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I've been living in fear this whole week.

Why? What did you do, Mary Louise?

What I'm about to tell you needs to stay in this room, because if this gets out, it will ruin me.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

When I was in college...

Please let this be a sh1t show.

I had a nine-month correspondence with David Hasselhoff!

[sobbing]

[opera music]

[cell phone ringtone]

[slurred] Hello?

Ms. Snap? Principal Pearson.

Your suspension has been revoked.

We need you back.

Follower cowboy.

I'm about to get 3 more days of vacation.