01x08 - s*x Ed

[rock music]

Does anyone want to go on a 150 mile bike ride with me this weekend?

It's to support schools in Uganda.

No, thanks. I prefer not to turn my v*g1n* into ground turkey.

What a surprise.

The six degenerates sitting around doing nothing.

Marty, shouldn't you be cleaning drawings of boners off bathroom stalls?

For your information, I already rubbed out three in the boys' room this morning.

The reason I am here is because I read an article that said if you give underperforming teachers new challenges, you get big results.

I immediately thought of this group.

Because we get big results?

No.

Principal Pearson loved my idea so I will be assigning each of you new extracurricular activities.

Ms. Snap, you will be in charge of the after-school gifted program.

Oh, I can't relate to people with glasses.

Ms. Watson, Ms. Cannon, you will be co-captains on field day.

I love organizing events.

I'm responsible for 97% of the marches on city hall this year.

Mrs. Adler, Ms. Feldman, you will be assisting with field day.

Ah, this will be just like being a wedding planner, but without all the homicidal feelings of jealous.

Don't worry. We'll make you guys feel super involved.

Not necessary.

These two control freaks in charge?

Mama's not doing shiz.

Mm-hmm.

What about me?

Sorry.

I often forget that you're here.

You will be teaching after-school s*x ed.

I don't want to teach s*x ed.

Ms. Bennigan, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to.

I, for example, just had to have this conversation with all of you.

You guys, I can't teach s*x ed.

What I'm about to reveal to you is very personal.

I don't know how to say this, but I'm a...

all: Virgin.

How'd you know?

Mary Louise, you thought a blow job was a fancy hairdo.

What else would it be?

♪ ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪

Ms. Snap? Hi, I'm Charles's mother Rita.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Pleasure.

I heard you're running the after-school gifted program.

How'd you hear that?

I was just assigned it this morning.

Well, I am the president of the PTA.

I hear everything.

[both chuckle]

You know what?

I want you to put my son in the gifted program.

[quacking]

Charles is a fine student, but I don't think he would be happy in the program.

Really?

Yeah, it's pretty advanced.

Well, maybe I didn't make myself clear.

I expect him to be placed in the gifted program.

Excuse me?

Wow, I assumed the teacher assigned to the gifted program would be a little quicker on the uptake.

I'm president of the PTA.

I got that.

And I think it is so great for women who don't work to have a little club to belong to.

Oh, you do? [laughs]

Look, if you fail to make this happen, my "little club" will make your life a living hell.

[both laughing]

It's the PTA, not the CIA.

[whispers] Is it?

[menacing music]

[rock music]

This is gonna be great.

I know. I loved field day as a kid.

And we're clearly the right pair to be in charge.

If you could have s*x with anyone, but immediately after, your head would explode, who would you choose?

Cheech and Chong.

You can't choose two.

You have to choose one.

Oh, my God. This is like "Sophie's Choice."

Ugh, I choose Cheech.

But Chong gets to watch.

Mm, hot.

Ugh, you were saying?

Field day's a great way to teach children about community.

Totally. And it introduces kids to the reality that there are winners and losers in life.

I'm sorry?

You know.

That some people are better than others.

Wait, just because you win doesn't mean you're better than another person.

Everybody wins if they try hard and have a positive attitude.

Uh, wrong. Listen, I am who I am today because I placed first in four national dressage tourneys and I won my debutante ball.

I didn't know that was a competition.

I made it one.

God!

Stupid jump ropes suck ass.

Hey! Stop playing around, you guys.

We still have to separate orange cones and sweep out the volleyball area.

[foreboding beats]

♪ ♪

Okay.

Let's get this boat in the water.

Who knows what S-E-X is?

No one's parents taught them anything?

Okay.

Why don't we start with these models?

[dramatic musical flourish]

Okay.

Wowzers.

[breathing heavily]

Okay.

Who knows what this is?

A monster?

What?

A maze?

This is a 3-D model of the female reproductive system.

Okay. And... who knows what this is?

A wiener.

Also known as?

A [BLEEP].

Wiener works. Okay.

[whispering] That means that these must be the berries.

all: Whoa.

Ms. Bennigan?

[whispers] Hot Dad.

Hi.

I'm your after-school parent volunteer this week.

What are we...

[laughing softly]

Working on?

[laughing]

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪

Those jump ropes were the worst.

It was a like a Rubik's Cube and a Sudoku banged each other and had a devil baby.

Yeah, these new assignments gargle ass.

I know. They suck.

The president of the PTA threatened me today.

[gasps]

Rita Towers?

She's a nightmare.

I wouldn't buy anything from the PTA bake sale one year, so she stuck the kid with oppositional disorder in my class.

[gasps]

She wants her kid in the gifted program, but he would be miserable.

He thinks Lake Michigan is an ocean.

I already bought a giant winner's trophy.

I already bought 300 ribbons that say "Special" on them.

Perfect. We can stuff them into the trophy to reinforce how special the winner is.

My assignment's a real stinker.

s*x ed? Can't be that bad.

It is. I still have my hymen!

My after-school parent volunteer is Hot Dad.

How am I supposed to explain s*x ed in front of the best-looking man to walk the Earth since Donny Osmond?

Oh, you lucky bitch.

Yeah.

This is a huge opportunity.

You teaching s*x ed in front of Hot Dad is just like the female baboon presenting her swollen, orange buttocks to attract a sexual partner.

Ugh, that's not what I was thinking.

That is exactly what I was thinking.

[rock music]

Energy from the sun is actually food for plants.

[gasps] Oh.

Mm. Too hot.

Ms. Snap.

Marty.

I'm in the middle of a lesson.

I'm here to tell you that Mrs. Towers will be your room parent for the week.

Mrs. Schneider is my room parent.

There's been a change.

Mrs. Towers will be your room parent for as long as she wants.

Ohh, thank you, Marty.

I will be sure to add your proposal for Administrator's Appreciation Week to our agenda.

[laughs] Thank you so much.

Okay. I'm onto your game.

But it is so nice to have you.

Please, take a seat.

[ominous musical flourish]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Okay, so where were we?

With all of that sunshine and water and carbon dioxide, in the plants' bellies.

Oh, uh, plants don't have bellies.

Heh. They have chloroplasts.

What?

Chloroplasts.

Chloroplasts convert energy molecules, not bellies.

That's so helpful. Thank you.

Mm.

[laughs]

Like I said, with all of the nutrients in the plants' chloroplasts, they turn green...

Actually, the green color comes from chlorophyll.

You should probably teach at the top of your intelligence level.

Oh, oh, maybe you're there already.

[ominous musical flourish]

Will you guys excuse me?

I am onto you, bitch, and I'm not putting your basic son in my gifted program no matter what you do.

You don't get it.

The PTA isn't just me.

[menacing music]

Huh, a bunch of students standing around holding each other?

"Circle hug" is not a game. There's no winner.

Everyone wins because everyone feels loved.

It's perfect.

It's diarrhea.

Someone doesn't always have to win.

Uh, okay. I don't have time to explain America to you right now.

Hey, we're done separating the soccer balls from the volleyballs and laying out the chalk lines and putting up the nets.

Are you guys gonna do anything?

We were assuming that the people in charge of field day might actually participate in setting it up.

Okay, we're wrestling with the sociological implications of field day, which you could not possibly understand.

Yeah.

We're the queen bees, and you're the worker bees.

Just accept your roles and go sort the Wiffle balls.

Okay?

[martial drum music]

Sweater-wearing whore.

Tabbouleh-breath bitch.

Oh, there will be blood.

[whimsical music]

Yesterday we talked about these.

The wiener and the maze?

Yes, the wiener and the maze.

♪ ♪

So this is filled with little tadpoles.

♪ ♪

And this is filled with a great big egg.

You dropped the maze.

Uh, actually this is a cross section of the female reproductive system.

Don't worry, Ms. Bennigan.

I was in medical school for a year before I dropped out to take better care of Blake.

[whispers] Hot Doctor.

Okay.

This is a pen1s.

When a man is sexually aroused, the pen1s encourages with blood and becomes erect so it can enter the v*g1n*.

[gasps]

[whispers] You got this.

The v*g1n* has many different parts.

This larger fold is a labia majora, and underneath is a labia minora, which cups this opening here where the pen1s enters.

[grunts]

Now, the v*g1n* is prepared for the pen1s to enter because it's already produced a lubricating mucus.

Ms. Bennigan, can you please bring the v*g1n* closer so that I can demonstrate sexual intercourse?

[sultry music]

The pen1s will enter...

[gasps]

And reenter...

[gasps]

And reenter...

[gasping]

And reenter...

♪ ♪

And reenter until the male climaxes and ejaculates, fertilizing the egg.

[gasping]

I guess that could be a part of it too.

[inhales and moans]

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪

Sorry. I can't get it either.

That's cool.

We can turn it into an event.

Oh, hey, I got one.

If you can kick your steel-toed combat boot from here into that garbage can across the room, you get to have s*x with Stacian Lawrence.

[gasps] From the local pizza ads?

Oh, my panties.

s*x, s*x, s*x...

is that all anyone thinks about?

Why is everyone so obsessed with s*x?

Is it really that great?

Yeah.

You okay, ML?

No.

Teaching s*x ed with Hot Dad was a mistake.

Then I kissed him...

Sort of.

Uh-oh.

Sounds like you took it a little too far.

Doi!

I'll never be comfortable with s*x.

Now Hot Dad thinks I'm a total doof box.

I'm never gonna get married, and then saving my hymen will have been for nothing!

Hey, where's the ball bag?

Under the pen1s!

I am not an idiot!

Right over here.

[warbling electronic music]

♪ ♪

[tires screech]

♪ ♪

What is going on?

Oh, we're having a bake sale.

In my parking spot?

We're the PTA.

We will kill you.

What?

[all laughing]

[women cackling]

[foreboding music]

[ominous musical flourish]

What happened to my desk?

[clears throat]

[gasps]

The PTA needed it.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[screams]

♪ ♪

Ahh!

♪ ♪

[grunting]

[whimsical music]

♪ ♪

[sighs and grunts]

[doll head pops and smacks]

[gasps]

That's how the baby comes out.

- [gasps]

The end.

[gasps]

Why don't you have a baby?

Well... because I'm not married yet.

You don't have to be married to have a baby.

My cousin Savannah got pregnant, and she doesn't even have a boyfriend.

Well, some people think that you should wait.

Yeah, losers and fraidycats.

I'm not a fraidycat.

[gentle piano music]

♪ ♪

[inhales sharply]

[exhales] I'm a virgin.

♪ ♪

Is there something wrong with you?

No.

I'm just choosing to wait for the right person, and I know that's not very attractive to some people, but it's who I am.

And someday, all of you will have to make that choice too.

♪ ♪

Just because your friends have s*x without so much as a how-de-do doesn't mean that you have to.

Hmm.

♪ ♪

[chuckles]

I just taught you guys something about s*x.

♪ ♪

[clears throat]

[sighs]

[door clicks and thuds]

[rock music]

[whistle blows]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

Okay, guys, we're gonna play a super fun game called the invisible shoe kick.

Why don't we just kick our real shoes?

Because yesterday when Mrs. Adler kicked her steel-toed boot, she hit Mr. Spinnoli in the head, and now he's getting something called an MRI.

All right, popular kids in the middle.

Everyone else grab a ball.

What's this stupid game called, anyway?

Getting even.

[whistle blows]

[rock music]

Go, go, go. Go, go, go.

[screaming]

♪ ♪

[whistle blowing]

Man: Everyone please line up for the three-legged race.

Okay, I am tweaking out.

The PTA is seriously out to get me.

I'm pretty sure they visited my mom in her nursing home.

Oh, my God.

I know.

I'm, like, scared.

Runners, on your mark.

Get set.

Ahh!

[grunting]

[gunshot]

Please stop!

Come on!

Stop! Stop!

[yelling]

Well, ladies, looks like today has been quite a success.

Yeah, pretty good.

Wait. Where are Watson and Cannon?

I would like to congratulate them.

I haven't seen 'em. You?

Nope.

- [tapping] - [grunts]

Feldman, Adler, unlock this door!

Come on!

Let us out!

Hello! We're in charge!

[grunts]

Now tell me it doesn't matter who wins and loses.

[sighs] God.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Here, use this.

Fine, but I'm gonna wipe with your ribbons.

[rock music]

Remember, Blake, keep that lead leg long and high.

[clapping]

[whistle blows]

Ms. Bennigan.

[whispers] Hot Dad.

Hi.

Thanks so much for the s*x with help ed.

[chuckles]

[groans]

[inhales sharply]

I just want to let you know I thought you did a great job yesterday.

Oh.

No, seriously.

I thought it was really cool how honest you were with the kids.

Thank you.

And you shouldn't be embarrassed about being a virgin.

[both laugh]

I think it's very sweet.

[laughing and gasping]

You okay?

Yeah!

Ms. Bennigan?

Yes! [grunting]

[triumphant music]

[squeaking]

♪ ♪

[echoing knock]

[gasping]

[squeals] My hymen!

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪

My little smarties, I am so excited to see your artistic interpretation of "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" by Robert Frost.

[gasps]

Oh, that is powerful.

So moving.

[gasps] Beautiful.

Charles, can you explain your drawing?

It's a hotdog.

So gifted.