01x09 - Hot Lunch

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Does that say "tea-bagging"?

Yeah, we're studying the American Revolution.

Oh, but that just says "tea-bagging."

No, I get it!

Using your yoga Groupon is much more important than supporting your kid's broke-ass school!

Mrs. Jacobson just same-day canceled on me so she could taint-bait some yogi with her downward dog.

Deb, again?

Every time you can't find parent volunteers we're forced to do lunch duty.

Yeah, and I'm not cut out for manual labor, okay?

I don't even vacuum. I own a Roomba.

Why am I the only one who has a problem getting these self-centered, d-bag parents to come in and volunteer for me?

[clears throat]

What?

Maybe if you were a little less... abrasive?

[BLEEP] that!

I'm not gonna mollycoddle a bunch of whimpering adult babies.

They can go prison-bang themselves.

[snickering]

What's so funny?

Oh, no, no.

I'm working on my routine.

The annual talent show at my church is this weekend, and I'm gonna do a stand-up comedy.

Wanna hear a joke?

Okay.

Why do they always have so many donuts after church?

I mean, are we worshipping God... or getting fat?

Do the math, people! [laughs]

Right?

Because of course we're worshipping God.

Mary Louise, do yourself and everyone else a favor...

And keeping writing new jokes!

Okay.

I'd love to hear something edgier.

All right, but bring your BAND-AIDs 'cause someone might get cut. [laughs]

[rock music]

Take down
♪ Surfboard ♪

Oh, Chelsea.

♪ Surfboard ♪

Chelsea?

♪ Surfboard ♪

Chelsea!

♪ Surfboard ♪

Could someone else please tell this idiot that she has a new ESL student coming in?

♪ Yeah, we're surfin' 'cause we're best friends ♪

Ew.

♪ And we're hangin' out ♪

Stop.

Okay, you have a new student today.

Ooh, I hope they're stylish.

This year my whole class is off-the-rack.

[whispering] Yeah.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

It's like looking at a room full of Sears mannequins.

Oh, my God, that's right off the kids' runway in mini-Milan.

Hey, sweetie!

You must be my lucky new student.

Ah, look at you! We could be twins!

[laughs]

Great dress.

Usually when someone tells me I have a nice dress I return the complement.

Like, for instance, you could compliment my perfectly arched eyebrows, and protruding clavicle.

A diva. I like it. What's you name?

[speaks Swedish]

Oh, my God, you poor thing.

You're not American!

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey, I need some volunteers for lunch duty this week.

Sign up.

Yeah, this week's bad.

We're getting audited at work.

Sorry.

No, I get it.

I had a dad who worked too much, too.

We don't talk anymore, so I'm no longer such a burden.

Terry, help me out. Lunch duty. I'm signing you up.

So sorry, gotta take this!

That's a Nutri-Grain bar, Terry!

Less abrasive. Less abrasive.

Sir, excuse me! Sir...

Oh. Mrs. Foster. Ah, I'm so sorry.

I was just wondering if there was any way you could possibly sign up for lunch...

Right.

Took it up the ass and I didn't even get a volunteer.

[bell ringing]

I mean, I know I'm beyond amazing with kids, but never had a non-English speaking student before.

You'll be fine.

I had this kid from Vietnam last year, he didn't learn much English from me, but now, I can say "suck my [BLEEP]" in Vietnamese:

[BLEEP]!

You're right. My natural charm transcends all languages.

Mm-hmm.

[cell phones chirping]

Fan out. The sixth graders are passing around p0rn again.

[groans]

We're on erection detection for the rest of the day.

Nothing can derail a lesson on the Apaches more than a kid's first public hard-on.

Ugh.

[rock music]

Oh, oh, okay. Here's another edgy one.

[sighs]

Why do parents let their kids watch Donald Duck?

I mean, the guy's got no pants on.

Do the math, people! [laughs]

[chuckles]

I'm having fun!

Wow.

These are really funny.

I know.

But I bet you would do even better with observational humor.

You know, everyday things that everyone can relate to.

Oh! Okay. I got it.

Why do they call it a cafeteria?

I mean, it's not a cafe... and it's not a teria.

Do the math, people! [laughs]

Okay, somebody get a hose! I'm on fire.

[rock music]

Deb has got to get some volunteers.

I haven't spent so much time in the kitchen since my father fired the staff for drinking.

Actually, I snagged 300 frozen French toast sticks, so it worked out for me.

Oh my God. Her boobs are huge!

Hey! What did we tell you at lunch?

No more p0rn.

"Harry Pooter and the Sorcerer's Bone"?

It's Mrs. Adler!

That's how she paid for Oberlin.

♪ Take down ♪
♪ Take down ♪

Last night, I re-watched the movie that inspired me to get into education.

It's about a teacher who works with a foreign girl.

That's awesome. What's it called?

"The Miracle Worker."

She's not foreign.

She blind and deaf and she's Helen Keller.

Whatever, it gave me hope for Annika.

Hope for Annika. That will be the title of our movie.

Hey, guys! Check it out.

I got a stand-up comedy blazer last night.

And I wrote some of those observational jokes you suggested.

Wanna hear one?

Okay.

Hey, ladies! I've been noticing a lot of you have been wearing sneakers.

Why do they call 'em sneakers? They're not sneaky.

They're right there! On your feet!

Do the math, people! [laughs]

Is that a joke? Oh, [laughs].

That is, my time! I'm out!

We can't let you go on like this.

Yeah. That's the worse thing that's ever happened to me, and I was water-boarded to get into my sorority.

We need to talk to you. It's about Deb.

I've been a bad wizard.

Oh, no!

[whip slap] Ah!

Eah!

Ah! Ah!

If you're good, I'll put it in your Dumbledore.

Heerah! Whooooa!

I mean, it has to be her, right?

No, no! I mean, I know Deb has a fiery temper, but I can't imagine she'd spank a poor old wizard like that.

Well, if it is her, she should be proud.

This is the best parody p0rn I've seen since "Who's Eating Out Gilbert Grape."

Someone should warn her.

Not me.

If there's one person who would kill the messenger, it's Deb.

Yeah.

I'm not gonna be the one to tell her the entire school has seen her sodomize Voldemort with a Quidditch broom.

Ah! Ah! Ah...

[rock music]

♪ ♪

What are you doing in my class?

Hi, Ben Ross, Matt's dad. I'm here to submit.

To be a volunteer.

Yeah, me too.

Tell us whatever you want us to do, and we will do it.

Are you guys yanking my chain?

Do you want us too?

What?

No one ever volunteers for me.

Why are you all suddenly here?

Because I admire the work you do.

Yes, same here.

I recently became aware of your amazing work.

We will do whatever you tell us.

Yes.

[all laugh]

Okay, um, uh, you guys are on hot lunch duty.

Hot.

Go to the cafeteria and toss some salad.

He's gonna need a partner. May I go with?

Fine.

Yes!

Uh, and the rest of you... go organize the shelves.

Wanna help? Get on your knees!

Now we're talking! Ho, ho, ho, ho!

[chuckles]

Now!

Wa-ter.

[speaking Swedish]

Say it. Wa-ter.

No. Water.

Oh!

I see so much of myself in you!

And I don't want you to fail me!

Hey, Annie Sullivan, you shouldn't do that.

I will use any means to break through to her.

No, Deb drank from that water fountain.

Hmm.

Do you want to get Oral Hogwarts?

Group A, go to my class, put up the great women in history mobiles.

Group B, go litter patrol the playground.

Hey, guys, I'm totally overwhelmed with volunteers.

Do either of you need some?

Actually, Deb...

Well, tough [BLEEP]!

Maybe you should try being a little more...abrasive.

[rock music]

Take down

♪ Take down ♪

Thank you.

Do, Deb, have you wondered why you suddenly have so many male volunteers?

I guess guys are just learning to be less intimidated by a strong woman.

Scrub those dishes harder!

Yes, mistress! Much harder.

Deb, there's something you should see.

If you behave, I'll let you tear my Hermione.

Oh, my God!

I'm in awe. p0rn has always been my dream job if teaching falls through, and now, thanks to you, I feel like if I have to, I can reach for the stars.

That's not me.

Deb, you don't have to be ashamed.

I watched the whole thing. You have a beautiful v*g1n*.

I told you, that's not me! She just looks like me.

Guys, check out this tattoo.

Oh.

Why'd you get a Chuckie tattoo on your boob?

It's my husband!

And she doesn't have that tattoo.

Oh, my God.

So that's why all those dudes volunteered?

I gotta go set them straight.

What? I'm not taking any chances.

She may have gang-banged all of Hufflepuff.

Hey, guys? Uh, listen, there's something I need to tell all of you.

You can tell us anything you want.

Holy crap. You really got those things clean.

If you find anything dirty, you're fully within your rights to punish us.

Oh, [laughs], that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I didn't have anything to do, so I took your keys and had your car detailed.

Oh, and I filled up the tank, too.

You did?

Hey, I'm done, so if you want, I can give you a foot massage.

I can drop off your dry cleaning.

Wait, what did you want to tell us?

That...

I don't think you're working hard enough.

So you are gonna pick up my dry cleaning, you are gonna give me that foot massage, and the rest of you, back to work before I have to discipline someone.

[speaking Swedish]

Ugh, it is so depressing.

I just want to go to my room, troll Tinder, and eat cookie dough until my mouth bleeds.

Maybe you should take a break.

You're not a failure if you don't get through to her right away.

No, she'll never learn if she keeps acting like a filthy animal!

Hey! Yeah...

Ooh!

[gasp]

[whimpers]

She hit me with tater tots!

[rock music]

Do the math, people! [laughs]

Mary Louise, listen, we're concerned about your stand-up act.

You are a sweet, kind and smart... ly dressed woman, but...

We think you should do something else for the talent show, okay?

Something you're good at, like...

Speed reciting proverbs or the Irish tin whistle.

Yes! Those are always a hit at the holiday parties.

Oh, I get it.

Oh, thank Gaia.

You're jealous.

Come again.

I've been cracking you guys up all week, and you're jealous.

I can't help it if God chooses some of us to be hysterical and funny, and get all the jokes.

And everybody's like, "Oh, Mary Louise and her little khakis and her little cardigans."

Well, not anymore.

'Cause I've been getting knee-slappers and guffaws, and know that I have the power.

I will see you on "Last Comic Standing" in the fall.

Do the math, people!

[speaking Swedish]

Annika, no. Stop.

Forget it.

Kim Kardashian.

What did you just say?

Kim Kardashian.

Yes! Kim Kardashian!

[inspirational music]

♪ ♪

Kim Kardashian likes s*x and money. Repeat.

Kim Kardashian likes s*x and money.

Yes!

Jenny McCarthy thinks she's a doctor. Repeat.

Jenny McCarthy thinks she's a doctor.

Yes!

Victoria Beckham can't feel happiness. Repeat.

Victoria Beckham can't feel happiness.

Yes! Yes!

[laughs]

I'm an amazing teacher. [sobs]

If it'll excite you, I can clean out your drawers.

Shove it up your ass.

Sure. What?

Oh, no, that's not what I meant.

Take off, you weirdo.

What are you looking at?

Ugh, I hate you!

Stop sniffing my bag!

Make yourself useful. I'll get some rubber gloves.

Rubber!

So you can scrape the gum off the bottoms of the desks.

Bottom!

Oh, Jesus!

Oh! Mr. Sebastian!

Enough, you assholes!

I'm not a p0rn star!

I just look like that woman in the videos.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Your love for your children should motivate you to volunteer, not your sick perversions!

I mean, I swear I've never even seen most of you before.

You! What's your kid's name?

I knew it.

But you act just like that p0rn star.

Yeah, you're such a dominating bitch.

I know. Just not professionally.

I teach your children and all I'm asking is for a little help here.

Now, who's gonna step up and volunteer next week?

Unbelievable!

Hello? I have to pick up my daughter at ballet.

Ohh!

♪ Take down ♪

[both laughing]

Nicki Minaj likes Laffy Taffy.

Do you like Laffy Taffy like Nicki Minaj?

Yes, I like Laffy Taffy like Nicki Minaj.

[laughs] Excellent. Let's go do each other's nails.

I can't tell if she's the best teacher I've ever seen or the worst teacher I've ever seen.

I know what the "Hope for Annika" poster going to say: "It wasn't Ms. Snap who saved Annika, it was Annika who saved Ms. Snap."

She's the worst.

[rock music]

What's up?

Heading out?

Yeah. I'm going to see "Comfortably Numb, Mate."

They're an Australian Pink Floyd cover band. Wanna come?

Mm, I can't.

Too much homework to grade.

Sucks you lost all your s*x slave volunteers.

Believe me, it's better this way.

There's nothing enjoyable about having a weak man groveling to fulfill your every need.

Totally. Smell ya later.

These calluses are making me so hot.

Shut up and work the urges.

Have you ever get an email, from the dentist?

It's not be get you teeth clean of your life.

I don't want to get my teeth clean, do the math, people.

[Laughings]

What the deal with craps?

Why do they walk like this, do the math people.

What's the deal with baby carrots?

What if there is a bunch of carrots going around having babies?

Do the math, people.

Thanks god. Hope me to stay home home.