01x10 - The Last Day

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪

[clock ticking]

[bell ringing]

[all cheering]

[laughter]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Don't forget your summer reading on the Holocaust!

Anyone want to trade me for this preppy-ass picnic basket one of my students gave me?

Ooh, I'll take it.

This will be perfect for my annual pilgrimage to Santa Barbara.

This year, I will meet Oprah.

Here, you can have this "Far Side" calendar.

Eh. Lateral trade, but okay.

I'm gonna use my gift from those drunks, the Fosters, to celebrate turning in my final grades.

I had to pull an all-nighter last night.

Me too.

I was still up when my partner Geode got back from the night shift at the community garden.

I'm still not sure. Is Geode a him or a her?

Yes.

I was too busy studying for my commercial driver's license last night to focus on grades.

I just entered in "A-B-C, A-B-C, A-B-C" until all the empty boxes were filled.

That's unethical.

Nah.

College doesn't look at grades until high school.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go blaze up with my recorder pipe and hit the finger paints.

[gasps] Oh, good, I didn't miss the gift exchange.

What do you have?

"Far Side" calendar.

Talking animals.

Weird.

Ooh, Chelsea, look what I got.

I can use this on my drive to Rapture Camp.

When is that?

From mid-July to August, or if the rapture comes, forever.

Huh.

Cecelia, what will you trade me for this cedar candle?

It's perfect for your Summer Save the Trees Jamboree.

Actually, I'll be working at a human waste recycling think-tank.

Gross.

What about this "World's Best Teacher" shirt?

Feels like it was made in a really humane sweatshop.

Come on, what do you have?

All I got was this summer sausage.

All right, ladies, when you finish cleaning out your classrooms, come booze with me.

If I miss you, I'll see you at my Summer Solstice barbecue.

Bring your own sacrifice.

Wait, I didn't know about that.

I didn't invite you.

See you later, bitches!

Whoo!

[rock music]

I don't think my students like me.

Why do you think that?

I only got a summer sausage.

Maybe they're just poor.

Ms. Snap, I don't want to go home!

[laughing] Oh. It's okay, honey.

When you miss me, remember Ms. Snap is the moon, and she comes out every night to look down on you and smile.

Just open up your drapes, and I'll be able to see you in your bed.

[chuckles]

I don't know what it is, but they, like, can't get enough of me.

Oh, Jimmy!

Did you miss me?

Get off of me!

I just came back for my eczema cream!

Kids. [chuckles]

[death metal playing on stereo]

Hey, Deb, can I get back my "Ready, set, learn" poster?

Oh, yeah, it's over there.

Some kid drew the huge schlong on it, not me.

Hey, um, I was just wondering, why wasn't I invited to your Summer Solstice barbecue?

I could get along with your friends.

I loved the movie "Practical Magic."

I don't need you there dust-busting the altar or ruining the bonfire with a lecture on fire safety.

I wouldn't do that.

Unless of course somebody was using an aerosol can too close to the flames or was wearing a flammable robe or cloak.

You need to learn how to chill out, Caroline.

You're too uptight.

I chill out.

You sleep with your pearls on.

If there's an emergency evacuation, I want to make sure I'm appropriately accessorized.

You have containers for your containers.

Girl, I'm gonna give it to you straight.

If you were a little less uptight, it would go a long way.

Would an uptight person do this?

Dude, that was sick!

I learned to shut down my gag reflex in my sorority.

For a charity bratwurst eating contest, not the other thing.

[laughter] - Toast, toast, toast.

To drinking in school!

[all cheering]

Whoo! Things are getting nuts!

I made soup in the microwave, and I didn't even wipe it down afterwards.

[laughter]

Oh.

Did I just say that twice?

[laughs] You didn't say anything.

Oh.

Job well done, recorder pipe.

[laughter]

Mary Louise, you haven't taken your shot yet.

I'm hypoglycemic. I get kind of goofy on alcohol.

I found out the hard way when I drank communion wine at my cousin's baptism and started screaming, "Dunk the baby!"

[laughter]

Come on, Mary Louise. It's summer. Loosen up a bit.

Yeah.

Okay.

If you guys think it's cool...

Mm-hmm.

Then I think it's cool.

[laughter]

all: Oh!

Yeah, now we're talking!

[laughter]

Hoosier mamas.

[laughter]

Moms from Indiana! "Hoosier mamas."

[laughter]

You mean, "Who's your mama"?

Hoosier mamas!

[laughs] Okay, bye.

[all laughing]

What?

Mary Louise?

[all laughing]

[laughs]

Mary Louise? Mary Louise!

I wish it wasn't the case, but due to budget cuts, one position will have to go.

I'd be happy to advise you on which teacher to fire.

I don't need your advice, Marty.

What if I'm able to dig up some dirt on one of the teachers?

Sure, Marty, if you discover any gross negligence, feel free to let me know.

Gross negligence.

All right, let's go.

We've got 15 other classrooms to inspect.

Marty, why are you carrying that diaper bag?

Oh, it's not a diaper bag. It's my man sack.

You don't want to call it that.

♪ Tear it down ♪

Are you sure you heard someone's getting fired?

Yes. I was kidnapped in the Peace Corps, and they blindfolded me for six days.

I was forced to develop super hearing.

Who do you think it'll be?

I don't know, but Marty's dying to fire one of us.

I can't get fired.

I already put a deposit down on the Zone Diet meal delivery for the summer.

I'm not going to cancel it and then have to exercise.

Well, I know I'm not getting fired.

No offense, but I'm the best teacher here.

Plus, I got these big ol' boobies.

Can you get fired if your kids don't like you?

Your kids like you.

I assigned them ten books to read about the Holocaust over the summer.

Oh, my God, your kids must hate you.

I'm sorry, that did come out before I could stop it.

Marty's a tool.

As long as Pearson doesn't have any ammo against us, we're good.

Oh, crap. I gotta hide my stash and Febreze my room.

Uh, you do know that you have your recorder pipe in your hand, right?

Nice catch.

[laughs]

Whoa!

Oh!

[screams and laughs]

Oh.

Oh, God, Mary Louise is having a hypoglycemic meltdown!

Someone has to catch her.

I'll find her.

You're sticking with me, Boobies.

We don't need any other liabilities.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Ms. Feldman?

Hey, sorry for the surprise visit.

Just wanted to catch you before you left for summer.

I'm so glad you did. What's up?

I just wanted to talk to you about Tavis's final report card.

[slurping]

We just felt that Tavis's final grade in reading seemed a little... off.

Hmm.

Because it was...

Low.

Low.

Lower than we had expected because Tavis normally gets B...

As.

As.

Uh-huh.

Right.

And here it says that he got a C?

Oh, that's not right.

That's not right at all. I gave him an A.

God damn it!

None of this would've happened if the administration would just listen to me!

I keep asking them for a new network with a better... firewall, and they just ignore me!

Does no one care about the kids but me?

So this is a computer issue?

Yeah.

Okay, well, I'd be happy to go discuss this with Principal...

No!

I... want to show that son of a mother a piece of my mind!

It's gonna be a rumble in the jungle.

You don't want to stick around for that.

Well, that's taken care of.

Hey, let me walk you out.

Bears looking pretty good this year.

No, season doesn't start for four months.

Okay. See you next year.

[dramatic music]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

What is going on in here?

I'm tearing up my lesson plans because they suck!

I bet my kids hated learning about...

Darfur! [groans]

You are being way too hard on yourself.

None of us are perfect.

I bribe my kids with candy, and I always put the good-looking kids at the front of the class, so I don't have to look at the uglies.

And I hand out permission slips for field trips as late as possible because then some of the students will forget them and I won't have to bring them.

Really?

Yeah. [chuckles]

Oh, my God. I'm the [BLEEP] teacher.

If we catch Bennigan, we might have to tie her down.

Do you have any rope?

Oh, or a Bible.

We could use it as bait for a trap.

Hey, Debbie Doughnut, I did my eye makeup like you!

Now we both look like we had a bad high school experience.

If you're not gonna pierce your clit, stop trying to relate to me.

Ms. Watson, you are aware that your class must be emptied by 3:00 p.m.

Yup, and my bladder needs to be emptied by the end of now.

Don't worry, I was just helping Caroline clean up.

You don't help people. I got my eyes on you two.

Hey! You've gotta pull yourself together.

That was too close.

Marty is a farty, and Principal Pearson is a pen1s!

Caroline! [whispering] Quiet coyote.

Listen, I'm sorry I called you uptight.

You're really organized and good at making plans, and honestly, we need someone like that around here.

Really? You mean that?

Yeah.

Every group needs an anal-retentive turd to keep everyone else in line, and that's you.

Thank you.

[laughs]

What was that?

[Irish folk music]

[laughs]

♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪

[gasps]

You know, maybe it's for the best one of us is getting laid off.

We won't ruin any more students' lives.

Seriously. No more kids who can't multiply by threes.

What?

I forgot to teach the threes this year.

Multiplication started at the same time as a very stressful season of "America's Next Top Model."

At least your kids didn't have to watch a slide show on the My Lai Massacre.

Woof. You know what?

On the bright side, I can finally get my ab-contouring vlog off the ground.

And I've always wanted to travel abroad.

I have to see Key West.

So cheers. [chuckles]

[somber music]

♪ ♪

I want to keep teaching.

My kids are, like, the only people who get me.

I know.

[sobs]

Mmm.

[rock music]

Quick! Come here!

Don't worry, I'll lasso him.

Yeah, buddy.

Shame on this school. Shame on this district.

Shame on society for allowing a perfectly capable child to fall through the cracks due to some highly preventable computer error.

Lucy did not deserve a C!

Ugh!

She didn't get a C.

Lucy did not deserve a B!

Actually, she got an A.

Okay, I'm confused.

She's brought home nothing but Ds all year.

What happened?

Let me explain.

She's a genius.

Lucy?

In participation.

Participation?

Yes. It's rare.

The only way I can describe it is if you've seen "Good Will Hunting."

I haven't seen it.

Then I can't describe it.

So are we good here?

I guess so?

Gotta see "Good Will Hunting."

Lucy's Matt Damon, and I'm Robin Williams, and you'd be the foster father that beats up his back real bad and scars it up all nasty like.

Although the analogy falls apart at that point, so... eh.

I'm gonna go now.

Okay.

How 'bout them apples?

Gotta see "Good Will Hunting."

You're, like, the prettiest smart person I know.

I love you so much.

Oh, I can't believe we've never opened up to each other like this before.

I know.

[both sobbing]

Oh.

You smell like fermented cabbage.

Thank you! I make my own kimchi.

Mary Louise, are you in here?

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

Have you seen Mary Louise?

No, we've been talking about what giant sacks of crap we are.

While I endorse that sentiment, Mary Louise is naked-jigging around the school like a feral leprechaun.

If we don't find her, Pearson's gonna fire her on the spot!

We've got to save my little bottom bitch.

[new wave music]

Earth!

Fire!

Wind!

Water!

We forgot to do "heart."

[gasps] Bennigan is heart.

We gotta find her.

What the hell was "heart" anyway?

Feldman, we need your help.

Oh, hey, I stashed Recordy the Musical Pot Pipe in your LeSportsac bag.

I didn't bring a bag today.

Feldman, hurry up!

I found something!

These were on the floor.

They're still warm. She's not far!

[string music]

There she is! Grab her!

Mary Louise, you're having a hypoglycemic meltdown!

Stop running!

Over here!

Somebody get her!

Back here!

Mary Louise!

M-L-B, get your holy heinie over here right now!

Ah!

Stop!

Oh, no. No!

Come on!

[giggles]

I love that you're so comfortable with your own body, but knock it off!

I got her, I got her.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Go for it!

I got her, I got her!

Oh.

Whoa.

all: Oh!

Come on!

Oh, she's not getting away.

Oh, no. Here I come.

Go, Mary Louise! You got this, girl.

What are you doing?

She's amazing.

[grunts]

Right there.

Bennigan!

Get up, girl.

It's over.

Get her!

Ladies, why are we all congregated on the playground?

[grunts]

Ms. Snap?

Hmm?

Will you be sliding down to join us?

No. Mm-mm.

[pipe playing]

What on earth?

♪ ♪

What the fudge? Martin Crumbs!

It's not mine.

One of these overpaid babysitters put it in my man sack!

Did they put it in your mouth and light it too?

Figuratively, yes, they did.

I couldn't take it anymore.

They defied my authority all year!

What authority?

[sighs]

Thank you for making it easy to decide which position to cut.

Get in my office, now.

Stupid man sack.

Mary Louise, are you okay?

Hey, friends!

I got my butt got stuck in this slide on the last day of school!

[kissing]

[all gasp]

Oh, great.

Now I've seen all her holes.

Well, we all survived another school year.

[gentle music]

I feel like I've been given a new lease on life.

Next year, I'm gonna do right by my students and learn their names.

I'm going to take genocide out of my unit on wartime atrocities.

Kids just gotta be kids.

I just want to say, when I put grades in randomly, it wasn't because I didn't care.

It's because it doesn't matter.

I'm not changing sh1t.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

Well, we'll see you at the Summer Solstice barbecue.

♪ ♪

[vomits]

all: Oh!

[sniffs]

Was that my summer sausage?