02x01 - First Day Back

[bright music]

♪ Good morning, little bird ♪
♪ What have you heard? ♪

[bird tweeting]

You're right!

♪ Now comes that magical time again ♪
♪ To choose that special cardigan ♪
♪ We'll now have blue skies and no more gray ♪
♪ Because we're going back to school today ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Now, if only I could find a shirt ♪
♪ Spent my summer naked in a yurt ♪
♪ I wish I could, but I cannot stay ♪
♪ Because we're going back to school today ♪
♪ That foam party ruled, but who are you? ♪
♪ I'm late to work... wait, where's my shoe? ♪
♪ I'll wash up at the truck stop on the way ♪
♪ Because we're going back to school today ♪
♪ After I'm done working on my quads ♪
♪ I'll head to church to give thanks to God ♪
♪ The law says get my prayers out of the way ♪

All: ♪ Because we're going back to school today ♪

♪ ♪

[alarm beeping]

[grunts]

That was a weird dream.

[chuckles]

[gasps]

Fuuuuuuu...

♪ Tear it down ♪

Happy first day of school, everyone.

Hi, Chelsea. It's been so long.

I saw you yesterday, Mary Louise.

I know.

What's in the box?

Please say it's Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

Even better.

On my drive back from Rapture Camp, I stopped by this garage sale and bought all of these super cool toys my parents never let me play with growing up.

A Talkboy?

Was this garage sale in 1994?

No, it was in Nebraska.

The Great Plains states have so much to offer.

I'm sorry. Ugh, I've tried.

But this is so boring.

Caroline has been online dating.

I want the hot deets.

I actually didn't go on any dates.

I was just propositioned by raging perverts.

I live for that.

You wouldn't be so excited if you got seven pen1s pics from "BabyBatter214."

Jesus.

So as of today, I have decided to join an ultra-premium dating website.

It has a 97.3% success rate.

It's called MyEternalSoulmate.com.

That sounds like a James Patterson novel where a woman ends up dismembered in a suitcase.

Oh, sick.

Some idiot left a calzone in here over the summer.

Where is Feldman?

Balls!

Hello, ladies.

[gasps]

Welcome back.

[upbeat boy band music]

You got highlights.

And a tan.

And your belt matches your teeth.

You look like George Hamilton's illegitimate son.

Thank you. I decided to focus more on... self-improvement.

Ms. Snap, you've been assigned a new class.

Here is the roster.

Hm.

[gasps] Mark Lynch?

Gabe Menendez, Ricky Menendez?

[gasps] The Menendez brothers?

You gave me Hell Class?

[all gasp]

We can't call them that anymore.

Their teacher two years ago had a mental breakdown.

When they were in kindergarten, their teacher went missing halfway through the school year.

This isn't fair.

Can't you split them up so someone else can suffer too?

It's safer to keep them quarantined, like a contagion.

Good luck. I had Hell Class last year.

She's 24.

Mrs. Adler, this year you will be teaching from Fillmore's first-ever modular satellite classroom.

A trailer?

Are you seriously making me a trailer teacher?

And now, Ms. Cannon, would you like to tell the others your news?

I am honored to be spearheading revitalization of creative spirit and self-expression at Fillmore.

She's the new art teacher.

Oh, that's why you look like a homeless person.

[cart banging]

Art is a mobile class this year.

This is your classroom.

Are you...

[bleep]...

Kidding me?

No.

I'm serious. I'm scared for you.

Last year, the Menendez brothers ate all of the school's glue sticks, and it only made them stronger.

It's a bunch of eight-year-olds.

I think I can handle it.

[game beeping]

I'm practically talking to one right now.

Drats! Recognizing patterns is really hard.

You should never underestimate Hell Class.

Mary Louise, get a grip.

I am Chelsea Snap, remember?

I've got this.

Yeah!

Ooh!

[hip-hop music on boom box]

♪ ♪

Yeah!

Listen up, my little divas and divos.

[indistinct chatter]

Hello?

What's up, Ma?

You look tasty.

Excuse me?

You're a tall glass of water, and I'm thinking I might like to take a sip.

You're eight.

Eight and a half.

But it's cool. You're old, but I know you're hella experienced.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hey, buddy.

It's your new teacher, Ms. Feldman.

Today, we're gonna start with computers.

Do you know how to use face chat?

Yeah.

Can you walk Ms. F through it?

Hey, I'm here to teach art.

The school only gave me one paintbrush, but I think it'll be a good lesson in sharing.

What are you working on?

Oh, in order to find my perfect match, My Eternal Soulmate has required me to answer 600 questions about myself.

Cool. What kind of questions?

Uh, things like, "What's your ideal Saturday?"

I wrote, "Color-coding my socks and laminating appetizer recipes."

Oh, and, "Going to Enchanted Princesses on Ice."

Obviously.

Do you really think you're gonna find a man who shares those interests?

Cecelia, you of all people should know that laminating is not gender-specific.

I'm gonna stay here and finish up while you teach.

Are you sure we won't bother you?

Oh, yeah, don't worry about it.

It's art. It's not a real class.

We're gonna be reviewing rules today.

You suck.

Okay.

First of all, that's not true.

And second of all...

I don't suck.

Let's see who's here, shall we?

Hannibal.

[slurping]

Oh, hey! Rule number one: we do not damage Ms. Step's money-maker!

I saw you try and mack on my man, you baggy-ass ho.

That's crazy. He's eight years old.

Look, Ms. Snatch.

[gasps]

Here's the rules: Hell Class doesn't have any rules.

[music stops]

Hell class? I don't know what you are talking about.

Oh, yeah. We know what you call us.

[ominous music]

You know what?

Let's just do math another day.

Okay?

♪ ♪

Did you guys cut the line?

[rock music]

[stifled crying]

♪ ♪

Hotter than butt cleavage at Great America.

When are you bringing me a new air conditioner?

No clue, lady.

You got to put in a requisition with the district.

[both laugh hysterically]

Okay.

Take out your textbooks.

[sniffling]

Bobby Ray? Why are you crying?

It's too hot.

Oh, whoops.

[A/C crashing]

Good luck.

Hey! You can't leave that here!

And who put this tire here?

[tires screeching]

Hope everyone learning about the wonders of pointillism.

Sorry not everyone got to paint a point.

This was so boring, it made me excited for math.

I don't know how I'm supposed to make this interesting when I literally have no supplies.

Are you okay?

No!

I wet wipe when I'm stressed.

I've been on My Eternal Soulmate for an hour, and I haven't matched with anyone.

["Wedding March" plays]

Oh, my God. I have a match!

How is that even possible?

It's a 99% match!

He's also reading "Anne of Green Gables"!

I have a match!

[gasping] I knew there was someone out there for me!

I'm supposed to be a wife, not have a job!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna be somebody's wife.

I did it!

I'm gonna get out of this godforsaken place!

[laughing]

Ugh, whatever.

If you were pushing 30, you'd get it.

♪ Tear it down ♪

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Lock! Lock!

[indistinct grumbling] Why doesn't this door lock?!

Chelsea, what's wrong? Why are you barefoot?

Hell Class stole my Jessica Simpson shoes.

They did you a favor.

[exhales]

That just slowed them down a little.

Don't take it personally, Chelsea.

Your students are just expressing themselves.

Well, their self-expression just ruined my most professional Wet Seal top and left me stapled to a bulletin board.

Oh, my God.

Every time I read his profile, I find a new layer of depth.

Oh, sorry.

Did you want to complain more?

No, go ahead.

You're probably talking with a 600-pound man whose belly button is the size of a salad bowl.

No, this guy is perfect.

He loves hybrid dogs, has attended two

"Barefoot Contessa" tapings, and he makes his own macaroons.

["Wedding March" plays]

[gasps]

He sent me his fantasy date!

What'd he say?

"M'lady, I would wear a white straw hat and take you to the river, where I would row you about in a canoe while you recite 'The Lady of Shalott.' I'll be your Gilbert Blythe."

This guy's gonna saw your head off.

He's referencing "Anne of Green Gables," Deb.

Gilbert Blythe is only one of the greatest literary gentlemen of all time.

What does he look like?

My Eternal Soulmate suggests that we don't trade pictures until we've exchanged at least a dozen messages.

That way, our souls entwine first.

Has anyone seen Feldman yet?

He did not have a warrant, which means that Ms. Feldman was not legally obligated to open up her trunk.

[intercom beeps]

Ms. Feldman, we haven't received your attendance sheets for the day.

I need you to bring them by my office now.

I can't. I have diarrhea.

It's really bad.

Okay, okay, that's enough.

Just bring them by when you can.

Life lesson, kids: nobody ever questions diarrhea.

What are you doing?

Collecting cans so I can cash them in for art supplies.

How's the new gig going?

Not so great. No one respects art education.

Can you believe Chelsea said I look homeless?

[grunting, shouting]

Ugh, my clitoris just receded.

Ugh!

Hey!

Get a job.

[whimpering]

[gasps]

Chelsea?

What happened to you?

I can't go back to Hell Class.

I'm scared.

If there's one thing I've learned from all my neato games, it's that you can't give up.

When my Talkboy stopped working, did I throw it away?

No, I changed the batteries.

When my Tamagotchi died because I forgot to feed it, did I think that I was a bad parent?

No! I reset it and got a new digital pet.

And you don't give up, either.

You're Chelsea Snap. Remember?

You can connect with these kids.

Find something you have in common with them.

You're right.

I shop at Justice.

I can connect with these kids.

[laughs] Thanks, ML.

Okay, let's... Ooh, little tight.

Watch your hands.

[indistinct chatter]

[hip-hop on boom box]

Hey, everybody. I'm back.

You all think you're pretty cool, but so is Ms. Snap.

I am not just a third grade teacher, I am also a grade-A twerker.

Turn it up.

Yeah.

She pretty cool.

Okay, hold on.

Here we go. Here we go.

Here I come.

[gasps]

[laughter]

Um, I'm just gonna be in the bathroom for a second.

Don't forget to flush that dookie, you flat-ass bitch!

[crying]

[rock music]

Bobby Ray, I told you not to be feeding stray dogs!

Do you want to do something useful?

Go see if anyone's dumped an old window fan around back.

Hey, I'm here for art.

Don't go in there. It's an oven.

Have a pop.

Oh, God, I'm so overheated, it feels freezing in my hand.

Here, just make sure and give me the empty can when you're done.

I can't believe I'm a trailer teacher.

Try being a vagrant art teacher with no supplies.

Hey, you can't leave that bag here!

Damn it.

They've been using this place as a garbage dump all day.

I'm all by myself out here.

[flies buzzing, crows cawing]

I don't think me and my kids are gonna make it.

You know what, Deb?

Take the hour off.

I'll take care of your class.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, and there's a cup on my desk.

Don't move it.

There's a giant cockroach under it.

Okay, my Eternal Soulmate and I are about to exchange photos at the same time.

You all are about to see, according to a scientifically proven algorithm, my absolute and perfect match.

Is everybody ready?

["Wedding March" plays]

[ominous music]

[screams]

♪ Tear it down ♪

I can't believe you're on a dating website.

You're married.

Actually, Roberta asked for a divorce this summer.

She told me she was seeing a man named Dwayne, who runs the Denim Depot in Naperville.

Ms. Watson, I have to confess to you that I never thought of you romantically before.

I know. Me either.

I mean, My Eternal Soulmate could be wrong.

I doubt we have that much in common.

Hm.

[dramatic tones]

Oh, my God.

That Céline ticket is from 2008.

Her best world tour.

What was the name of that, again?

[together] "Taking Chances."

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

Perchance we could take a stroll about the grounds?

I have my white straw hat.

What say you, Anne Shirley?

♪ ♪

And the little kangaroo knew that after all that, he had finally found his home.

Great reading, Rodney.

Good job.

A.J.!

Do you have any extra batteries?

"ToeJam & Earl" took all my juice.

I'm trying to teach here. Get out.

But...

Get out!

Where were we, kids?

Oh, my God.

I look ten years older.

Damn.

Damn, talking to yourself already?

They threatened to bury me alive, dead.

They actually brought a shovel.

I'd lend you my taser, but it's the only thing that keeps the rats out of my trailer.

[exhales]

Get it together, Chelsea.

Just remember all the people who inspired you to be a teacher: Ryan Gosling in "Half Nelson,"

Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Kindergarten Cop,"

Mr. Feeny in "Boy Meets World," and Michelle Pfeiffer in "Dangerous Minds."

Oh, my God.

That's it.

[Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise"]

♪ ♪
♪ We've been spending most our lives ♪
♪ Living in the Gangsta's Paradise ♪
♪ We've been spending most our lives ♪

Whoa, nice outfit.

You can only buy clothes like that downtown.

♪ We keep spending most our lives ♪

I never got to pass it.

♪ We keep spending most our lives ♪
♪ Living in the Gangsta's Paradise ♪

Remember, there are no victims in that classroom.

Hm.

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Okay, listen up.

Everyone else in the school is scared of you, but I'm not.

This year, it's gonna be a little different, because this year, you are dealing with Ms. Snap.

I was a featured background extra on "Kitchen Nightmares."

I attend outdoor summer concerts in heels, not wedges.

And I don't even need Spanx, but I wear them because I like pain.

And if I can do all of those things, then nothing can stop me, including Hell Class.

[inspiring music]

So let's learn now!

Ms. Snap, that was pathetic and sad.

But we've never had anyone care enough to try so hard. We'll give it to you.

You can teach us.

Okay, Hell Class, take out your math workbooks.

Take out your workbooks, or I'm gonna cut someone.

Yes, take out your workbooks, or you will get cut.

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

Good job, guys. You can go back inside.

♪ ♪

Holy crap, Cecilia. This is beautiful.

But you used all the cans that you were collecting to buy art supplies.

That's okay. I still have my paintbrush.

And I realized my medium is all around me.

You mean garbage?

I love "Anne of Green Gables."

I know, it's the Canadian "Pride and Prejudice."

Yeah, yeah.

I love Pyrex storage containers.

They're the only kind I use.

Me too!

[gasps]

Shall we?

♪ ♪

I actually find it quite sensual how each container nests one into the other, finding its perfect fit.

Do you ever feel like an old Tupperware whose lid is lost and doesn't get filled with leftovers anymore?

I feel more like the lid looking for its container.

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

What is happening here?

That's her Eternal Soulmate?

Oh, my God.

[Furby gibbering]

♪ ♪

Caroline...

Toby...

♪ ♪

[dog barking]

[snarling]

[both screaming]

Call 911!

Someone help me! Help me!

I'm just a man! I can't die today!

Get away! Get away!

Not my salmon capris!

Okay, no.

♪ Tear it down ♪

This was the best first day of school ever.

[laughs] Sure was.

Okay, guys.

Ms. Feldman has to go do three months' worth of laundry now, but she'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Bye!

all: Bye!

[horn blasts]

[metal crunching]

[gasping] My paintbrush!

♪ ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪

Oh, yeah.