02x02 - Stranger Danger

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[whistling] Good morning, ladies.

All: Morning! Hey!

Working hard or hardly working? Huh?

[laughter] Working hard.

Oh, boy. This anybody's?

Oh, that's mine, but you can use it.

Thank you.

Sure, no problem.

Uh-oh, carb attack. I can never say no to sprinkles.

[laughter] Right?

It's all downhill from here.

[laughter]

Who was that?

[kids playing in background]

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down! ♪
♪ Tear it down! ♪

As you all know, we had an intruder on school property this morning. Apparently, he's been hitting up various elementary schools, taking advantage of free coffee and doughnuts.

I knew he was too happy to be a teacher.

How did a total stranger get into the school?

He has my mug. A stranger used my mug.

What if he'd been dangerous?

He couldn't have been dangerous, could he?

He was wearing pleated khakis.

That doesn't mean he isn't dangerous.

You can't judge someone based on their appearance.

That's the only way you can judge someone.

Wrong, that good-time Charlie douchebag was probably a total pervert. Meanwhile, nice guys like my husband get pulled over all the time just because he drives a windowless van and has a neck tattoo.

Okay. Well, everyone should review the Stranger Danger policy with their classes today.

[screams] It's happening again.

No, this is... this is our new head of security here at Fillmore. Pleasure to meet you all.

I'm Frank Humphrey. I was a detective for the Chicago Police Department for 20 years.

This morning's incident brought to light our inadequate security, and even though we already have a formidable male presence in this school, me... apparently the district felt that I needed backup.

Here, Frank. I got these so we could keep in contact. My code name will be Protector.

Yours will be Guardian.

I think I'm just gonna stick with Frank.

Okay...

Okay, so, Frank and Protector it is.

♪ ♪

I've been asked to review the Stranger Danger policy with you guys, but I gotta say, these pansy worksheets are nothing compared to the real world.

Who here's seen the movie "The Lovely Bones"?

Hmm?

Well, let me tell you something, you are all one casual conversation away from ending up in an underground bunker with Stanley Tucci.

Perverts are everywhere, which is why I brought in this group of potential perverts.

Uh, whoa, whoa, Deb, you said you needed some teacher volunteers for...

Just an exercise, Spinnoli. Chill.

Now, I've given each of these teachers a piece of paper, all right?

Only one of them has an "X" on it, which marks the pervert.

Who, out of this group, looks most likely to diddle a child?

Mr. Spinnoli.

What makes you think that, Danny?

Well, he dresses like a supermarket manager, and he has darting eyes.

Interesting. Anyone else?

Mr. Higgins. He sweats a lot.

No, it's gotta be Mr. Spinnoli.

He smells like taco meat.

Let's find out, shall we?

Which one of you has the "X"?

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

Not one of you guessed Ms. Spencer was the pervert.

Obviously, Mr. Spinnoli looks like the most stereotypical pervert...

I need to defend myself.

But the real lesson is you can't tell if someone's a pervert simply by their appearance.

Remember...

all: Perverts are everywhere.

Everywhere.

I'll probably see you there sometime.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Someone's got a boyfriend. [laughs]

Ahh! Balls!

After the intruder, I got a security doll.

It makes me less of a target driving alone.

Cool. Normally, I just carry a gun around. I mean, it's not a real gun, it's a fake gun. I just pull it out when I feel like I'm in danger. But this makes a lot of sense, too. Right on.

Hmm. [murmurs] You unbuckle too...

Okay.

Kind of stuck.

Let's see if I can just loosen this now...

What's Caroline doing?

Ah, you're really stuck in here.

Gonna be late. Oh, God.

Good for her.

Couldn't you have left that thing in the car?

No, he cost $500.00.

That's like leaving a 32-inch flat screen TV in the backseat.

You shouldn't need that freaky security doll.

We should all feel safe in our own school.

I'm so mad at myself. I kept thinking there was something weird about that guy yesterday, and I didn't say anything.

Me too. I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Oh, I knew he wasn't an employee, but because all of you acted like you knew him, I had to too.

I can't believe you guys didn't say anything.

This just proves the women of Fillmore need to feel more empowered.

Wow, Chelsea, very progressive.

Thanks, I read an incredibly thought-provoking Buzzfeed list on empowerment.

[sighs] And you ruined it.

[gasps] We should hold a workshop.

[gasps]

Together, as best friends.

Totally. We can hold workshops all week empowering women to speak up and defend themselves.

We'll call it "Women Empowering Women."

"By Women."

"For Women."

Can dudes come?

What?

Let's go see if we can reserve the cafeteria.

Yes! [laughs]

God, I love acting all political.

Somewhere, Gloria Steinem just puked, and she doesn't know why.

Okay, that s*x doll is creeping me out.

I gotta go.

Same.

Good call.

No reason for us both to sit alone.

What?

Thank you all for coming today.

It's an important time for us all to be united.

Ms. Bennigan and I feel very passionate about making the women of Fillmore feel more safe.

What are you doing?

No one here is deaf.

Oh, hmm, sorry.

So this week we'll be holding a series of workshops that will tackle different ways we can all feel more empowered.

Now, I know all you queens thought something was up with that creep, but no one said anything because we're all too concerned with being polite.

So it is time to make your voices heard.

Which is the title of our first workshop.

Okay.

Make your voice heard... Make your voices heard by being a bitch. By being a big bword.

Okay, um, I think there's a way to speak up and not be a bitch.

You're wrong, and your opinion is stupid.

See? I just worked the muscle that will allow me to confront a man who is making me uncomfortable.

Why are we, as women, so scared to be mean, huh?

Because we might hurt someone's feelings?

Good. Hurt someone's feelings, insult someone, be a bitch.

Let's do an exercise.

I want to encourage someone to speak up and be a bitch.

Yes, Barb.

I think it's weird Ms. Bennigan wears Velcro sneakers. They're for people with head injuries.

That is very bitchy, Barb. Great job.

Does anyone else have anything bitchy they want to say?

Denise!

It makes me uncomfortable that I can see Ms. Bennigan's maxi pad through her slacks.

That is very brave. Thank you, Denise.

And every time she sits down, you can hear it deflate.

Ooh, v bitchy, v true.

Okay, Chelsea, can we have a little...

Not now, these bitches are finally speaking up.

Can you just take one for the team?

You're being so selfish right now.

Anyone else?

And I think it's gross that when you hug Ms. Bennigan, you can feel her full-on bush.

Yes, let your bitchy voices be heard!

[laughs]

[rock music] ♪ Tear it down! ♪
♪ Tear it down! ♪

Why would I go to their dumb workshop when none of them will come to my cupcake decorating tournaments?

Ugh, it's so hard. Nobody shares my interests.

[romantic guitar music]

♪ ♪

Nice to have someone to vent to.

♪ ♪

Thanks for listening, Dollton.

[rock music]

Unattended backpack!

Protector here, code backpack, code backpack.

You don't need to use the walkie when I'm standing right here.

Roger that.

Ooh, oh...

This your backpack?

Hot zone clear. Hot zone clear.

Great work, Guardian. Oh, shoot... Frank.

Hello, Marvin.

Can I interest you in a piece of candy?

Sure.

There's a fictional tranquilizer in that, Marvin.

You just got Tucci-ed. Get in the bunker!

Deb, I think you're taking this too far.

Does anyone else wanna be dead like Marvin?

Deb!

The age of innocence is over one you learn about diddlers.

Besides, this is serious.

This app shows all of the registered s*x offenders in our area.

Oh, my God, they're everywhere.

Got my eye on you, Phil.

Ooh, looking at Tinder?

[gasps] I know that guy.

I totally sent him a nude. [laughs]

Is this where the cool kids are?

Who wants to party-party?

They found her body in a riverbank 56 days later.

And that is why you always walk in a well-lit area and never take a wine cooler from a stranger.

What is going on here?

Did you start the workshop early without me?

Oh, I must've gotten the time wrong.

Or maybe it's my brain injury.

I wear Velcro shoes, remember?

Oh, my God, get over it.

Okay, ladies. Today's workshop is entitled "How to Keep Yourself Safe in Public."

Oh, actually, Chelsea, I had my own ideas for the workshop today.

Oh, did you?

Yeah, I did.

We're gonna talk about one of the most important ways to keep yourself safe in public: always dress appropriately.

Take a crop top and stripper shoes, for example.

These aren't stripper shoes. They're Steve Madden.

Dressing like an extra in "Showgirls" puts you at a higher risk of being victimized, which is why I'm here to empower you all with this.

A dog sweater?

It's a dickie.

Keep yourself safe by covering up your winnebagoes. Remember, ladies: modest is hottest.

Somewhere, Elizabeth Warren just went blind, and she doesn't know why.

Can I talk to you in the hall for a minute?

I'm a little busy with my chaste lady pals.

Now.

Okay.

What is wrong with you?

Telling women to cover up is not empowering.

Do you not follow Emily Ratajkowski on Instagram?

Well, at least I'm not teaching them to be bitchy and mean to their best friend.

If you were wearing my friendship bracelet, I'd tell you to cut it off and throw it away!

Too late, it's already in the garbage, and I'd rather be a bitch than a victim-blamer.

Who's victim blaming? I'm just letting everyone know that if they dress like a cocktail waitress on a casino ferry, there will be consequences.

I dress...

Listen, bitches, we came here for a workshop, not to sit in there with our thumbs up our asses.

'Scuse me?

Oh, I was just using my voice.

That was yesterday's workshop, Denise.

And today's workshop is over.

♪ ♪

Is it just me, or is everyone acting crazy this week?

Yeah, everyone's acting totally nuts.

Uh-oh, looks like somebody's got a boo-boo.

["Close to You" begins]

My God, I never realized how big your arms are.

You really do have perfect hair.

♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪
♪ Every time you are near? ♪
♪ Just like me, they long to be ♪
♪ Close to you ♪
♪ Why, ah, ah ♪
♪ Close to you ♪

I think I really captured your inquisitive look.

♪ Why, ah, ah... ♪

I gotta borrow your big, weird doll.

Oh.

Gotta go down on the south side and drop off some Darius Rucker tickets I sold on Craigslist.

It might or might not be a setup.

You're cool with this, right?

He likes to listen to "Show Boat."

What?

Never mind.

Okay.

He's just a big, weird doll... like you said.

Hey, buddy.

Hmm?

You know, I got a puppy in the back.

You want to pet it?

Uh... okay.

[intense musical buildup]

You're mine!

Welcome to the rest of your life!

Ahh!

You are all victims.

You're lucky this time it was my husband.

Okay, y'all failed the field test.

You got Tucci-ed. Out.

You're in the bunker, and you're in the bunker, and you're in the bunker, and y...

Really, Spinnoli? He said it was a labradoodle.

Just get in the bunker.

Hey, that guy tried to make me go in the van this morning, and I said no.

Oh, good instincts, Marvin. Did you call the police?

No.

Then you're responsible for the deaths of four of your peers.

Mrs. Adler! Mrs. Adler!

I saw a pervert. How can you be sure?

Because he was creeping around the school and looking through all the classroom windows.

Good work, Tanya. Let's go call the police.

Excuse me? I... I think I left my inhaler in the van.

♪ Tear it down! ♪

Why doesn't everyone who really cares about empowering women come to the right side of the room.

And whoever wants to be empowered without looking like a cage dancer, come to my side.

[all arguing]

What's going on here?

Excuse me, ladies.

Ladies, ladies!

Frank, I'm so glad you're here.

Yes, and the left side is ready for you to teach self-defense.

And so is the right side, which is in fact the right side.

Okay, I'm only gonna be teaching one workshop, so you two need to figure it out.

Fine, I will be the bigger and better person... and say, "I'm sorry."

I'm sorry, too.

Things may have gotten a little out of hand, but we're good now.

Okay, so why don't we all come together in one group?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ladies, we do not do what a man tells us to do.

So why don't we all come together and form one group?

♪ ♪

Thanks, dude.

Dollton!

Here he is.

What have you done to him?

What do you mean?

He looks like he's in a Limp Bizkit video.

Cool, right? I changed his clothes so he'd look like less of a narc for my Craigslist drop off.

Did you smoke weed with Dollton?

I don't remember.

[wistful piano music]

♪ ♪

I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

♪ ♪

[sniffs] You've changed.

♪ ♪

[laughs] You know I can't stay mad at you.

Thank you for listening and not getting defensive.

So who wants to review some of the self-defense techniques we just learned?

Great. Come up.

Ms. Bennigan, why don't we have you be the attacker...

Okay.

Ms. Snap, why don't you demonstrate the counter-move I just taught you.

My pleasure.

Okay, so... there.

So like this?

Yep.

Okay.

And proceed.

Great. What did she just do wrong?

[gasps] Seriously? Oh, my...

Oh, are you serious?

Ladies? Ladies, really...

Serious... [gasps]

Ms. Bennigan, release her.

[choking]

Ms. Bennigan, release her.

[voices fade and echo]

Release! Release!

[soft music]

Chelsea? Chelsea?

Chelsea, it's not your time.

You're a mess.

I want you to do the exact opposite of everything that you're doing in your life.

Now go back.

Go back.

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

A man just tried to tell me what to do!

♪ Toby and Frank, Frank and Toby ♪
♪ Saving the day, protecting each other ♪
♪ Men... ♪ Ow!

Oww, what are... what are you doing?

Ah, peas and rice, you have the wrong person!

Ow, ow, please, be gentle, I have tennis elbow.

What are you doing?

That's him!

That's the guy that's been looking through windows.

What?

Oh, there's been a huge misunderstanding.

This is our principal, not a pervert.

Sorry, ma'am.

Tennis Elbow still needs to come downtown.

Hey, Steve. It's okay, he's with me.

Are you sure? He's got highlights.

What's wrong with my highlights?

I'm sure. He's fine.

[handcuffs clicking]

How do you not know who I am? I am the principal.

She's a new student. I'll talk to her.

Did good, Tanya.

Oh, no. My walkie talkie.

How will we communicate when we're in different quadrants, Guardi... Frank... sorry.

We'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out.

Together, as equals.

[epic music]

[music stops]

Ow.

[engine turns]

♪ Tear it down! ♪
♪ Tear it down! ♪

I shouldn't have strangled you to death.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

I just wanted the women of Fillmore to feel safe enough to speak up.

And to not be a target.

And to defend ourselves.

But instead, all we did was insult, target, and attack each other.

You don't really think I look trashy, do you?

Oh, no. When you dress like a hooker, it's intriguing, like a movie hooker.

Oh.

[laughs]

You're, like, stuck on me. Okay.

Oh, my stars, Caroline's getting attacked!

[yells] This is where we get it right!

Girl power!

[intense music]

♪ ♪

Hah! [both grunting]

Hey, stop!

Stop! He's one of the good guys!

[grunting]

I was just trying to get him into the car.

[overlapping screaming] Freak!

Oh, my God. Dollton.

It'll be okay.

[women continue screaming]

Is that my mug?