02x03 - School Sweet School

Today's the day you get your tiny house, right?

Yep. They're dropping it off at the property we bought and we're sleeping in it tonight.

Deb, I think it's so cool that you and Damien are reducing your carbon footprints.

Yeah, we don't give a crap about that.

We only bought a tiny house because we can't afford a real one.

But maybe literally being closer together will help improve our communication.

[horn honking]

Get out of the way!

[horns honking]

[bleep] my life.

Oh, hey. Am I tripping right now, or is there a giant doll house in front of the school?

Deb had it delivered here by mistake.

Damien had it delivered here by mistake.

I need it gone today.

What happened to you?

You look like you slept in a bush.

[sighs] Last night, I went down a weird wormhole of competitive tickling videos on the Internet.

Gonna have to wing it in class today.

Thanks for nothing, sh1t stick.

[sighs] They can't pick it up till tomorrow.

At least you'll have a short commute.

That house is so small, it freaks me out.

Like little people or adult women wearing pigtails.

Typical Damien. If it doesn't involve his band, he screws it up.

How's Throat Goblin doing these days?

They haven't played a gig since The Taste of Skokie last month, and they got paid in sausage.

Well, at least if he's not working, you have yourself a househusband.

If by that you mean a husband who lies around the house all day, then, yeah, I do.

He doesn't do anything to help out?

The way he sees it, I chill with kids all day, [scoffs]

Uh-uh.

Get off work at 3:00...

all: No.

And take a three-month vacation.

Oh, my God.

Are you serious?

Hell no.

You should murder him.

Well, since you're living in the parking lot, maybe you can invite him into your class.

Then he'll see how hard you work.

That's actually a good idea.

Maybe today won't suck ass after all.

Hey, our plumbing's not hooked up and I had a Burrito Esplosivo last night.

So I gotta use your dumper. [kisses]

Hey.

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Clean up your stuff, everyone ♪
♪ It's clean up time, it's good, clean fun ♪

Great job cleaning up, guys.

Does anyone know where the green ring is?

Yes, Marcus?

On my pen1s.

[tense musical flourish]

What do you think a chin implant would do to my face?

Oh, it'd probably help.

Yeah?

Yeah, I think so.

I've been thinking about it.

Oh.

Hey, what's wrong?

Did another species go extinct?

Probably. It's just, when I became the art teacher, I thought it would be an opportunity for me to express my creative side.

But then I found out that no one respects art.

Yeah.

So I decided to do something that would feed my soul, and I started making jewelry and putting it up on Etsy.

Oh, Etsy's full of people who wish they were real artists.

Sounds perfect for you.

No. It sucks.

I haven't sold a single piece.

It's another rejection.

It's like the universe stepped in dog sh1t and is wiping it off on my life.

Oh, I'm sure your jewelry is beautiful.

Yeah, it's only a matter of time before people discover it.

Remember, Beyoncé wasn't built in a day.

Do you really think I should keep trying?

Absolutely!

Of course!

You know what?

I'm gonna give you both a pair.

Jesus.

[gasps] Oh, wow.

Would you look at those.

We can't take those for free.

Oh, my God. Do you really wanna pay?

I insist.

Okay, you know what?

Who needs a lesson plan?

I'm sure one of you smarties remembers what we're supposed to do today.

Huh?

Melinda? Talk about the book.

You know, "Where the Red Fern Grows."

Really? Today?

And we've all read it?

Good. Very good.

And of course I've read it.

I've read it a few times.

So let's jump right in.

Um, judging by the title of the book, one would assume it's a book about ferns.

No. But...

But really, this book is about...

[whispers] Pablo, yeah.

A boy and his two dogs.

Great. And the main character had such an interesting and special and specific name.

I'd never heard it before.

Does anyone remember what that name was?

Melinda?

Billy.

Billy. Yeah, it's a very special name.

Does everyone agree with that answer?

Great job, Melinda. You're right.

That's awesome.

Now, I want you to promise me that you will never put this down your pants again.

So I have to take off my pants if I want to put it over my pen1s?

No. Don't put anything on your bathing suit parts.

Ever again, for forever.

And let's not use that word.

pen1s?

Yes, that word.

Only doctors say that word.

If you say so.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm foraging. Gonna fill up the mini fridge.

Those are other teachers' lunches.

Wha...

After we put those back, how about you come help out in my classroom, see what I do all day?

The great mystery revealed. I'm in.

Mm, right.

[bell rings]

I thought Spinoli was a pasta.

No, he teaches special ed.

Hey, guys.

both: Hey.

Why aren't you wearing my earrings?

I, uh... just hadn't gotten around to putting them in.

Yes, and I am saving mine for a special occasion.

In the future.

Oh my God. I'm so stupid. You hate them.

No, they just didn't go with what we're wearing, and we can't afford any more of your earrings.

Oh, well, in that case, they're free.

This is good advertising for me.

[ominous musical flourish]

Now you can pick out the ones that match all your outfits.

[laughs]

That's amazing.

There's nothing to stop us from wearing them now.

Today we're gonna be talking about classifying parallelograms.

Let's review. Who can tell me what a parallelogram is?

Fisher, we haven't heard from you recently.

Why do we have to know this stuff?

Because it's part of geometry.

Uh, excuse me. I think he's asking, like, how is he gonna use a perilgram in, like, his real life.

Right, little man?

Well, for one, he can use it to pass the test when we're done with the chapter.

Deb, these little squirts aren't gonna succeed in life by preparing for tests.

They're gonna succeed by following their passion.

Like me and my music.

Are you serious right now?

Yeah!

I never learned what a perilgram was, and it didn't hurt me.

I'll tell you something that did hurt me, though.

A bunch of teachers who didn't respect me for what I really wanted to do in life, which is shred on my axe!

[yelling]

[imitating guitar music]

Man, they just reward you for following their rules.

But you know what? As soon as I dropped out, it all started happening for me.

Total, nonstop jamming.

I got a van with carpeting on the walls.

I started my own band.

I hooked up with your hottie teacher because she dug those sweet riffs.

It all comes down to one dope mantra: reject authority; break the rules; do what you love!

All: Yeah!

Yeah!

Outside. Now.

[grunting]

Whoa! I just made a huge difference in there, and it was really easy.

Now I get why you like teaching so much.

They were supposed to be learning about parallelograms!

I thought that was what teaching is all about.

You start teaching one thing, but then you go with the flow.

And then you're teaching something else.

Oh, like that school is completely useless.

Hey, you said it, not me.

Okay, that's it. You're done.

Whoa. Someone can't handle a little competition in the classroom.

Go back home!

Which, thanks to you, is in the [bleep] parking lot!

[rock music]

♪ Tear it down ♪
♪ Tear it down ♪

[car beeping]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh! Careful, man.

Oh, my God.

Sorry.

[gasps] Thank you, Damien.

I cannot run with these stupid earrings.

De nada, señorita

Well, I would love to stay and chat, but we have to get back to class.

We're doing a unit on the Mayans, which was forever ago.

So boring.

No way. The Mayans were rad.

I was in this drone metal band called The Servants of Kukulkan, so I know a ton about 'em.

Really?

And so in order for the Mayans to keep everything chill with their gods, the high priest would reach into the sacrificial victim's open, bloody chest cavity...

Ahh.

And pull out his still beating heart.

[gasps]

[imitating heart beating]

[claps] Ohh.

But wait. Those dogs are so smart.

Why would Old Dan keep barking up that tree if the ghost coon wasn't even there...

I remember asking myself when I read the book.

But the answer is... Anybody?

Little Ann smelled the raccoon in the air.

Are you kidding me?

You can't get anything past Little Ann, okay?

This is amazing. I'm gonna read this book.

Again.

Very good, Tiffany.

Balloon.

Your handwriting is really improving.

Where are the Os in "balloon"?

They were just right here.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Do I have to?

Give it up.

[sighs]

♪ ♪

There are two Os in "balloon," Marcus.

[groans]

♪ ♪

You promised me that you would never, ever do that again.

No, I promised not to use the green ring.

There's a lot of other things I can use, though.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Okay, everyone.

We're gonna play a very fun game.

I want you all to find anything that has a hole in it and throw it in the garbage!

[rock music]

Ms. Watson needs an adult!

I'm sorry, buddy. I don't see one.

What about you?

Oh, yeah. Let's go.

I was rearranging the desks when my hideous earring got caught.

Got it. Yeah.

[sighs]

Want me to, uh, put these desks back in rows?

Thank you. After all this trauma, I need to journal and listen to Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car."

Old Dan and Little Ann are the toughest dogs in the world!

All: Yeah!

If you can fight a mountain lion, you can survive anything!

Yeah.

[somber music]

But Dan doesn't survive.

What?

The mountain lion cuts him up all over.

On the walk home, his intestines get caught on a bush.

Billy, like, has to push them back inside.

Then Dan dies back at the cabin.

Dan's dead?

It wasn't fast.

Does everyone agree with this answer?

Mm-hmm.

These things are gonna permanently distend my earlobe.

[gasps] Ew, I'm gonna look like I'm from Portland.

[rummaging]

Cecelia?

What are you doing? Hello.

My muses. I'm just so inspired you love my jewelry that I'm gathering materials to make you some more.

[ominous musical flourish]

Oh, my God.

We are wearing literal garbage.

[both exclaiming]

You have a half-sucked cough drop on your ear.

Oh, my God!

♪ Tear it down ♪

Oh, God. I wonder what kind of trash earrings she'll have for us today.

I don't know. Maybe an old hot dog with AIDS.

[groaning]

Did you stay out late again last night?

No. I'm depressed.

Yesterday I found out that Old Dan died.

Is that the homeless guy that used to bury his poop like a cat in the sandbox?

No. The dog from "Where the Red Fern Grows."

I didn't even see it coming.

Neither did Old Dan.

Hey, Deb. How was sleeping in the parking lot last night?

It sucked.

Turns out a tiny house is a lousy place to sleep when you're having murder fantasies about your husband. I know you're having issues with Damien, but he was great in my class yesterday.

Oh, yes. So helpful.

He jumped right in. I didn't even have to ask.

Look! Damien and I are having problems, okay?

And he doesn't respect what I do.

And as my friends, you're supposed to hate him for me.

That's Girlfriend 101.

I don't want any of you hanging out with him anymore.

He's dead to me.

Yeah. Chicks before dicks.

As a Christian, I love him, but as your girlfriend, I will shun him.

Oh, this'll be easy for me.

I'll just go back to judging him by his appearance.

[groans]

Good morning, my little learning lemurs.

Today we're going to practice how to tell time.

[ominous musical flourish]

Where's my doughnut?

[ting]

No. No!

Ms. Feldman?

Are we gonna finish talking about the book today?

[exhales]

Okay. At least it can't get any worse.

Who knows what happened after Old Dan passes away?

The other dog dies of grief and starvation.

Little Ann dies?

Both dogs die?

I gotta go.

Are you okay, Ms. Feldman?

Yeah, I just got glass in both my eyes.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Feldman, what's wrong?

I can't talk to you, man.

Oh, yeah, you can.

I got nothing but time.

I just found out both dogs die in "Where the Red Fern Grows."

Ohh.

It's destroying me.

Yeah, and I read that one for my GED prep class.

It really got me too, until I realized the whole thing about the red fern.

What about it?

Oh.

Here.

It's like the whole point of the book.

The red fern represents the memory of the dogs, which is gonna live on forever.

But they're dead.

Are they? You just read a book about 'em.

And so did millions of other people.

[sighs]

Wow. That's beautiful, man.

So you're gonna be okay?

Yeah, I just want to move on to our next book.

It looks like a lot of fun.

Oh, what is it?

"Old Yeller."

I don't think I read that one.

Oh, really?

[suspenseful string music]

Chicks before dicks.

What?

♪ ♪

[door thuds]

[whistling]

You can't be here.

We can't be seen together in public.

Just go. I'm dealing with a very delicate situation.

Maybe I can help.

Oh, I wish you could.

How could it be so wrong when it feels so right?

I assume you can be discreet.

I guess so.

Come with me.

So I hear you've been putting round things over your pen1s.

Yeah.

Dude, I totally get it.

When I was your age, I used to stick my wang everywhere, anywhere it would fit.

But it's starting to bum Ms. Bennigan out.

And we don't want that, right?

No.

So I was thinking that maybe instead, you just put round things over your pen1s in private.

Okay. [sighs]

That sound good?

Yeah.

Rock and roll.

[mouths words]

[intense music]

Yeah, so, uh, gimme a call sometime.

Let me know how it goes with Marcus.

I can't do that. Don't get me wrong.

You've been wonderful. But we can't talk anymore.

It's just not right.

Mary Louise, what are you doing?

We're supposed to be shunning him.

What?

Oh, Mylanta.

Why do you guys have that stuff hanging from your ears?

We're wearing them out of pity.

Cecelia made us these earrings out of garbage.

I know. I threw all those things out because one of my students kept putting them on his...

[warbles]

pen1s?

[gasps]

We're wearing pen1s jewelry?

Cecelia, there's not an easy way to tell you this, but...

We love you, but there comes a time when honesty is the best...

Whoa-ho-ho!

These are some radical Christmas ornaments, man.

Oh, my mom is, like, a Christmas maniac.

Oh.

She would love these.

Oh, they're not Christmas ornaments.

Really?

You know what? They are.

Yes! I can't believe I am saying this, but they are even more beautiful as Christmas ornaments than as earrings.

Oh, sh1t! I forgot!

No!

Stupid Damien!

[grunting]

My mom is a recycling freak.

And I'm not allowed to bring anything new into the house.

Oh, they're made from repurposed refuse!

You're kidding.

Really?

Yeah.

I'll buy all of 'em!

Ah, fantastic!

Yes!

Ohh.

Take mine.

Mine too.

I love these, but it would look so much better on a tree.

It would.

Yeah, so we were doing buttery nipple shots and you guys know what those are, right?

Yeah.

I chipped my tooth while getting motorboated on an actual motorboat.

[all exclaiming and laughing]

Oh, my God!

You can't even tell!

Yeah, it's a fake tooth.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

[somber piano music]

♪ ♪

I didn't mean to let him help me, Deb.

It just happened.

Get out.

Okay.

What the [bleep] is all this trash?

Why is it that you can help everyone but me?

It never seemed like you need any help.

You do everything.

You're like super Wiccan.

[chuckles] No, Damien. I'm not.

I need help all the time.

Really?

Yeah, you just never offer it.

When I get home at the end of the day, I'm exhausted.

I get it. Being here today helped me realize how hard it is to be a teacher.

I'm sorry I said it was an easy job.

It's not.

Thanks.

Maybe I can be a little bit more helpful.

That would be great.

[sweeping orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Oh, oh. Okay. Okay.

Oh, yeah! Oh, it's so tiny!

Oh, it's so tiny!

Wha... what is?

Oh, no, the house, the house!

Oh, yeah!

The house...

Oh, you like it so tiny!

Yes, it's hurting!

[rock music]

Oh no, Chelsea.

Don't say a word, it is my cheat day.

This is so good.