02x05 - Snap Judgement

It's 7:45 a.m. It's Monday morning.

That means it's time to...

[together] Wake up with Wendy!

Today I'm reporting live from Fillmore Elementary with fourth grade teacher and five-time Local School Council teacher representative Brent Duffy!

Happy to be here, Wendy.

You know, every time I do your show, you look five years younger.

Ooh.

Pretty soon I'm gonna be talking to a little baby.

Come here. [laughing]

Aah! Oh, I love him.

It's not even 8:00 a.m., and he's hitting on her.

Last year he gave me a hug and full-on squeezed my tee-tas.

Did you report him for sexual harassment?

Naw, dude. He said "honk honk" when he did it, so I knew he was joking.

You know, he reminds me of someone.

Every year I've served, I've learned more about our schools.

And there she is.

Well said. So, what are your plans for the district?

Mm, great question.

So ineffective. For five years, he's been promising to enhance professional development, but he never does it.

The only thing he's enhanced is his hairline.

I want to make this district better, because it can be better.

Back off!

And since you're currently running unopposed, that means you're gonna be a guest on this show a lot this year.

Looking forward to it.

It's great. It's great.

I'm running too.

Oh, who are you?

I am Chelsea Snap.

Actor, model, spokesperson, and teacher here at Fillmore, and I would like to officially announce that I am also running for LSC rep.

And then my boring week was blessed with the most magnificent train wreck of all.

Folks, we've got a race.

Sorry.

[giggles]

All right. Excuse me.

Don't post this without a filter.

[cameras snapping]

You guys, I have basically become a celebrity.

I should've started caring about the community years ago.

I could never go into politics.

Men aren't attracted to women in power.

It makes them uncomfortable.

I don't know, Damien loves it when I handcuff him and grind my stiletto into his cojones.

Chelsea, who are you going to ask to be your LSC campaign manager?

I don't care.

Oh my gosh.

Did everyone hear that? She chose me!

This is so exciting!

We've never had a female representative.

If you're elected, you could finally get us some relevant technology training.

Yes. That is going on my platform.

I need to learn Photoshop for higher quality selfies anyway.

Yeah. And the Anti-Bullying Club needs money.

The bullies took it all.

Done.

Chelsea, this is important, but I got to know your stance on snack time before I vote for you.

We should have more of it?

Finally.

Okay, people. We need to move if we want to beat Brent.

The election is in four days.

I'm gonna start with some door-to-door canvassing.

I do it all the time with my church.

I've converted tens of people.

[patriotic music]

Hi-dee ho!

Have you accepted Chelsea Snap into your life as your LSC representative?

Not interested.

Hello.

I'm visiting with my neighbors today with the hopes of sharing the good word of Chelsea Snap.

Take me off your list.

Shh, quiet.

[rustling]

Hello?

She's here...

I'd like to talk to you about letting Chelsea Snap into your heart and life!

[rustling, lock clicks]

I know you're in there, Sandra.

Oh, Mr. Cross. Hi.

Do you have a moment to talk about the good word of Chelsea Snap and all that she has to offer?

Hey, Mrs. Jones. Is that your little sister?

[laughs] Ahh.

Oh, Chelsea Snap.

You know, I never imagined I'd be running against somebody so hot.

Thank you, Brent. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on my way to the district offices to file my candidacy paperwork.

May I offer you a ride?

Fine. But just know our relationship is strictly professional.

I am taking this election very seriously.

Of course.

[engine revs]

[tires squeal]

Morning, Tommy.

'Sup, T-Bone?

They are here. Wow.

The buttons are perfect.

Okay, I filed my paperwork last night.

I am an official candidate.

Chelsea, seriously? You're supposed to be campaigning today.

[scoffs]

Sit down so I can fix your s*x hair.

Great idea. All right, we've got the bake sale today.

It's a great opportunity to talk to voters.

Where are we, people?

I talked to my bro-bro Pauly.

He's gonna tag "Vote for Snap" on some high-profile overpasses in exchange for some drug-free pee-pee.

I've got your social media site set up.

You have one follower FartMeister1000.

So far, he's only commented with "U ugly," but I think we can turn him.

I picked up the posters I designed from the printer.

You made me a lesbian?

It's inspired by Rosie the Riveter.

She's an iconic feminist image.

She has fat elbows.

Just blow up my Barbizon headshot.

Oh, Caroline, what are you doing with my hair?

I'm trying to distract people from who you are as a person.

Vote for Snap.

My phone won't stop autocorrecting.

I don't love big ducks.

I thought we agreed no sexting at the bake sale.

Mrs. Chan! Hello.

Chelsea, this is Mrs. Chan.

Her twins are in the first grade here at Fillmore and she's the president of the parent group Two Million Moms.

Wow.

That is a lot of moms.

So nice to meet you, Mrs. Chan.

So, our petition to take inappropriate literature out of our libraries has really been gathering steam.

I hope you'll sign.

Of course.

"The Little Engine That Could"?

Yeah. It's incredibly phallic.

Entering all those tunnels?

Thank you.

What the hell did I just sign?

She's got a point about that train.

[gasps] I just realized what the caboose is.

Is this your phone?

Yes, it is.

There is a pen1s on it!

[dramatic music]

Give me that back.

What kind of woman keeps p0rn on her phone?

Okay, hey, everybody calm down.

That's not p0rn. That's my pen1s.

Oh.

Excuse me?

Oh, yeah, Chelsea and I have a consensual sexual relationship.

I sent her that pic.

You disgust me.

It's gonna be a great year.

Wait. What?

[slapping]

Oh!

Okay, last night's gaff was not ideal, but on the bright side, your new posters are perfect.

[gasps] The bigger I get, the better I look.

I put one above my bed.

It was so nice waking up to this morning.

Moving on.

Today after school is the Fillmore car wash fundraiser.

I've signed you up to volunteer... holy cannoli.

Oh, my God. Is that a dick on my face?

Wouldn't be the first time.

Sweet Uncle Jesse.

Looks like word is getting out that you're a slut.

Excuse me?

Maybe you should've thought twice before you distracted Brent from doing his job.

Brent and I slept with each other.

Stop dragging Brent into this.

Okay, you're clearly bananas.

It's not just me, Chelsea.

There are other morally respectable people out there who will disapprove of your loose ways.

I just have to tell them about you on my blog!

[gasps]

She has a blog?

On the Internet?

People, we are under attack.

'Sup, dudes?

This is what's "'sup."

Someone drew dicks all over my posters.

You sure you didn't just send the wrong picture to the printers?

Wait a minute.

If they think you're a slut, and we hang out with you, then what are they saying about the rest of us?

Why can't they just forgive you for your indiscretions like I do?

I don't need to be forgiven, Mary-Louise.

I've done nothing wrong.

Yep, I forgot.

This is our chance to finally change school policy.

You can't give up, Chelsea.

Oh, I'm not giving up.

I am a valid candidate with good ideas that I stole from my friends.

In high school, did I give up my bid for homecoming queen because Kimi Hansen was a burn victim and everyone said "let her win"?

No. I kept going and I beat her.

When I was on my cayenne pepper cleanse and I lost all the muscle mass in my arms and legs, did I stop cleansing?

No. I got a mobility scooter.

I am not gonna let those Talbott-wearing tight-asses ruin my chances at becoming a household name!

Ugh! Your voice sounds so shrill when you're trying to make a point.

Okay, gang, we have two days to get this sweet angel from heaven elected.

Deb, up your social media game.

Cecelia, fix those posters.

Feldman, do something that is helpful and legal.

Caroline... Caroline? Where are you going?

I'm super busy today.

I have to label... my label maker.

Okay. Go team!

Today, we're going to be making construction paper rocket ships to glue on Ms. Snap's poster.

Can I make a space station instead?

No. Everyone's making rocket ships.

I need a ten-inch rocket ship, a rocket ship that curves to the left, and one with a really big nose cone on top.

Oh, and all of them have to have two circular clouds of exhaust coming out of their thrusters.

[in deep voice] I have some information for you.

Excuse me?

Are you aware that Chelsea Snap is running for Local School Council?

I'm glad, because Brent doesn't do diddly squat.

Speaking of Brent, a trusted source has informed me Brent Duffy got tested for herpes.

Why are you telling me this?

Did he sit on this toilet?

"A vote for Snap is a vote for healthier lunches."

Can you do that somewhere else?

I'm trying to maintain plausible deniability.

[computer chimes]

Whore?

"That is gender discrimination."

[computer chimes]

[Adler scoffs]

This one doesn't even make sense.

Can someone please make a two-prong rocket that splits at the base?

Did he test positive?

I know he definitely has some type of wart.

"Your remarks are perpetuating the virgin-whore dichotomy."

[computer chimes]

Oh!

On July 10th, Brent was seen leaving a pharmacy with a topical cream.

Wait. If he has herpes, doesn't that mean Ms. Snap has herpes too?

Oh, sh1t.

I need more rockets.

We're working as fast as we can.

That's not good enough.

There are rockets on rockets out here.

We need more!

Chelsea, hey, we need to talk.

We have a situation on our hands we both need to deal with.

Thank you for acknowledging your role in this insanity.

Well, I think I have a solution.

There's a motel a few miles away from here.

If we leave school about 20 minutes apart, take different routes...

I'm sorry. Are you trying to sleep with me again?

Yeah. What did you think I wanted to talk about?

Unbelievable!

She's doing it again.

Get your hands off of him.

Oh...

[chatter]

Why is no one coming to my station?

[ringing bell] Whoo!

La-la-la-la-ladies!

It's time to get wet, y'all! [laughing]

Special discount for mothers.

Hi. Can I talk to you about my platform for LSC?

If you just have a moment of your time... Great.

Hi. I'm running for LSC.

Yeah, I'll take a flier.

I feel strongly...

No, no, no!

You stay away from my husband, you tramp.

Takes one to know one, Terry.

This reminds me of the time Bill Clinton got to continue in office and Monica Lewinsky had to sell upholstered tote bags online.

I know.

I was gonna buy one out of solidarity, but they were too ugly.

Yeah.

Here are the campaign fliers you asked for.

Why are you dressed like Carmen Sandiego?

Listen, Chelsea, I want to support you, but it's very difficult for me to see you in a position of power when I know how many blowjobs you've given.

Are you kidding me, Caroline?

Shh! Don't say my name.

[gasps] I got to go.

Stop having s*x!

Go [bleep] yourself, Terry!

This is crazy.

It's gonna be a great year!

Whoo!

Whoo! [laughing]

How am I the slut?

[rock music]

♪ Taste my honey ♪
♪ Come on give me a taste now ♪
♪ Tastes like candy ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Huh ♪

Aah!

Look! She's treating this like a wet T-shirt contest.

This isn't Cancun, Mexico. This is a school!

Oh, my God.

[breathing heavily]

[whimpers]

[dark music]

[ringing bell]

Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

Mary-Louise!

Stop passing out fliers!

Shame.

Oh!

I haven't seen a crowd turn like that since Ralph Lauren stopped making pleated khakis.

How could they do that to my perfect Chelsea?

Has anyone talked to her?

No.

She won't answer my texts, calls, or pebbles against her window.

Who got the edible bouquet?

Chelsea.

"Don't let the turkeys get you down.

In lust, Brent."

[voice cracks] He really is a nice guy.

[sniffles]

Are you aware of the slut shaming going on on the Fillmore campus?

[crying]

Chelsea? Is that you?

God, I can't hide anywhere.

Wait. What are you doing?

I'm Deep Throating.

Oh, enough with the s*x stuff!

No, Chelsea.

Listen.

I've been talking to the janitors, the crossing guards, the lunch ladies, the people who spend their lunch breaks in the bathroom because they've got nowhere else to go.

You have their support.

They're just afraid if they speak up they'll be shamed too.

This isn't worth it. Everyone hates me.

I don't.

Aww.

That's sweet.

But your opinion doesn't matter.

[sobs]

[soft piano music]

[children laughing]

Vickie? Why aren't you over there playing tag with everyone else?

No one will play with me, 'cause they say I'm a mini-Snap.

What does that mean?

I like to hold hands with boys, so now they're being mean to me.

You did nothing wrong, Vickie.

Neither of us did anything wrong.

Hey!

We don't exclude people, okay?

Vickie's the cootie queen.

She holds hands with everyone.

You hold hands with everyone, Bill!

We don't treat women like that, Bill.

Vickie is a smart, capable woman who is allowed to make her own choices, and she can hold hands with as many boys as she wants to without having rocket ships drawn on her face!

The big cootie queen's mad! Run!

[gasps] Did he just call me big?

It's not her fault. They pushed her out, just like poor Ted Haggard.

Well, unfortunately, it's looking like Ms. Snap is a no-show.

And you know what that means.

It's gonna be a great year. Uh!

Wait a minute!

[triumphant music]

Hello, Chelsea. Did you... did you get my fruit bouquet?

Yes, and it gave me the runs.

Ugh. Must've been the mangos.

Hello, Fillmore. I know that you've heard a lot about me the last couple of days, but because of my gender, none of it has to do with the issues.

My s*x life, although incredibly impressive, should have nothing to do with this election.

And if you make it about that, what kind of message are you sending to your children?

I don't want young girls to be judged by a higher standard than boys, or be ashamed of their sexuality.

I'm a slut!

[all gasp]

If Chelsea's a slut just for having s*x, then I'm a slut, too.

We're all sluts!

I'm pretty sure everyone here has had a rocket or two in their mouths.

I love having a rocket in my mouth!

Me too!

Hell yeah!

I love you, Chelsea!

Thank you guys so much.

If I am elected, I promise to fight for healthier lunches.

I will push for more relevant professional development.

I will listen to your needs and find solutions to your problems.

So, please consider me, Chelsea Snap, as your LSC representative.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Go Chelsea!

Yeah, my girl!

[rock music]

Chelsea, win or lose, you fought a good fight.

Aww.

all: Cheers.

Ladies? Hey.

I just wanted to stop by and say that you are an impressive woman, Chelsea Snap.

It's been an honor to run against you.

That is very gracious of you, Brent.

Give me a call if you ever want to take a bang-cation.

Okay. Yeah, maybe.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay.

[laughs]

What?

Chelsea, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for my behavior and acting like, as you would say, an uptight ho-bag.

You really were. Yeah.

No matter what happens, I'm really proud of myself.

Yeah. FYI, I may have led a majority of the faculty to believe you have herpes.

Wait. Are you ser...

We won!

[all gasp]

What?

We did it! We beat Brent!

Huzzah!

We won! We won! We won! We won! We won!

Whoo!

Everyone can suck it.

Everyone can suck my rocket ship!

[squeals]

I knew you could do it, my sister from another mister.

Thanks. It feels really good to have defeated sexism.

Hey. You won. Smile.