02x06 - Brokebitch Mountain

Good morning.

Good morning.

Could I please grab one horchata and two breakfast tacos?

Sure, $3.

Okay.

Thank you.

[machine beeps]

Declined.

You sure, man?

This is my good card.

One second.

You know, uh, on second thought, I'll just grab the horchata, please.

$1.50.

Sir...

I am a teacher, and by providing me with a small donation of 50 cents today, you'll give me the energy to go into my classroom and mold the young little heroes who might one day make our nation as great as the one portrayed in Aaron Sorkin's "The West Wing."

Third teacher who couldn't pay today.

Oh, for real?

Adios.

Why in the ever-loving Satan does Midol take so long to kick in?

You're on your period too?

Wow.

We've all gotten the girl flu at the exact same time for the last four months.

It's the McClintock effect.

You mean Jessica McClintock? The midrange prom dress mogul?

No, it's named after Martha McClintock, the scientist who first figured out that when women spend a lot of time together, their periods sync up.

What's your bitch-head looking at?

[screams]

[roars]

[screaming]

Morning.

Hi.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

[groans]

Hello. What a beautiful morning.

Wow, someone's in a good mood.

Well, it's easy when your faith in romance has been restored. Oh, my gosh.

You finally found someone?

Now you won't have to cry in your car at recess anymore.

No, that's not it.

Two of my students have found love.

And you care because?

Well, it's no secret that my Prince Charming is arriving on a very slow horse, so much so that I had begun to think that maybe love wasn't real after all, but witnessing Craimy's love has renewed my hope.

Who's Craimy?

Craig and Amy.

They're my students, and they've been dating for two weeks.

It's been magical.

You should see them on the swing set together.

It's like "Splendor in the Grass."

[groans and yells]

Sorry.

That was my last dollar... like, ever.

Yeah, it's because teachers are paid crap.

It's part of the 1%'s conspiracy to keep the masses dumb and compliant.

I'm so sick of being poor.

I have to let medical students practice Botox injections on my face for an hourly fee. [scoffs]

I mean, I have to. Damien and I are so broke, we have to Airbnb our tiny house and sleep in his van three times a week.

I've been eating the same dinners as the prisoners on "Lockup: Raw," all of my credit cards are maxed out, and they're about to shut off my Cricket phone.

I'm sorry, Feldman.

I wish I could relate, but I have a trust fund.

My bank account was in better shape during college when I was slinging sandwiches at Sub-urbia.

Have you ever made a budget?

That's the thing I was trying to think of that stops you from having no money.

[machine buzzes]

[yells indistinctly]

Okay, number munchers, today for math, we're gonna do a super fun project called: Can a budget get Ms. F out of the money dumper?

So let's get ready to peep-fist, you guys.

Each month, Ms. F has to pay rent.

So rent would be $450.

Ms. F also needs a big pile of money for life's essentials... car payments, food, and recreational concert enhancers, right?

9... hundo.

Also, 800 bucks in student loans to the goons at Sallie Mae, despite the fact that Ms. F told them she died two years ago.

'Kay, so that would be $800.

This is how much money Ms. F makes each month as your teacher after taxes are stolen from her.

So how much money is Ms. F gonna have left over at the end of each month?

Really curious about this one.

Hey, Ayo.

You already got the answer, don't ya?

Wanna try sharing it with the rest of the class?

N-no.

My stu... s-stutter.

[sighs]

Aw, that's okay, buddy.

Hey, maybe next time, huh?

Zero dollars are left over.

Whoa, are you kidding, Lauren?

You don't make enough money to pay your bills.

No, no, no, is this the answer that everyone here came up with?

You're broke.

[sighs] It's hot as balls.

Tell me about it.

At rapture camp, sometimes the kids leave the basketballs out and forget to put them back in the equipment shed, and boy, oh, boy, I have never touched hotter balls.

Oh, stop.

Normally your Jesus camp stories are hilarious, but when I'm on the rag, they just make me sad.

[ominous music]

Hold me!

I just wanna share my emotions with you!

[screams]

Ladies... um, valued educators, rather, I am canceling today's faculty meetings scheduled during everyone's free period... free hour.

I just feel like everyone could use some time to rest up and indulge in any food cravings you may have...

I gotta go.

What was that about?

He knows we're all on our period.

That's not funny.

How could Principal Pearson know such private information about our... [whispers] cha-cha-chas?

Who cares how he knows?

This is huge for us.

How?

A woman's period is a man's kryptonite.

We can use this to get whatever we want.

[rock music]

Okay, class, everyone pick a reading partner, except Craig and Amy.

You two are obviously already partners.

But, Ms. Watson, I wanted to be Amy's partner.

Megan, don't be that girl.

Oh, and at recess, everyone stay off the swings, okay?

The swings are Craig and Amy's special place.

[enchanting music]

♪ ♪

Amy? Can I talk to you for a second?

Do you understand what this means?

Getting a snack cake from a boy when you're eight is like a man taking you to Aspen when you're 30.

He's really serious about you, Amy.

Now you can skip 20 years of crushing your own self-worth and having pictures of other people's children on your refrigerator.

Okay.

♪ ♪

Love is real.

[mellow guitar music]

♪ I was sipping on sweet tea and having fun ♪
♪ I was sitting with you in the summer sun ♪

Excuse me, sir.

♪ ♪

Chaz Machacha.

I thought you'd be in college by now.

Hello, A.J. I haven't seen you since you stuffed my Saturn's tailpipe full of torpedo rolls.

Which I only did because you told the manager I was a picking a wedgie behind the counter, you snitch.

Well, guess who's the manager now, ass-picker.

Okay. Quick question.

You hiring part-time by any chance, Chaz?

[laughs] Chaz?

It's Mr. Machacha.

You hiring part-time by any chance, Mr. Machacha?

I'm only looking to hire an assistant night manager right now.

Oh, great, I gotta teach during the day.

Let's get a couple things straight.

The assistant night manager is the person who works directly beneath me, so you'd have to be on call 24/7 in case of a sub emergency.

Dude, I can't be on call when I'm teaching.

Then sayonara, butt-spelunker.

[phone trilling]

[rock music]

Sub-urbia's kicking my butt.

Juggling two jobs is way harder than I thought it would be, and I smell like hard salami.

[sniffs] Oh...

There he is. Go on. Drop the P-bomb.

[dynamic music]

♪ ♪

[groaning]

Excuse me, I am feeling very irritable from all the bleeding and diarrhea from my period.

I need to rest.

Do you think you can find a TV so my kids can watch a movie instead of me teaching?

[sighs]

[groans] Oh!

Oh, my uterus! It's gonna explode!

[roars]

Your balls are next!

[screams]

Okay! Okay! I can get a TV for you.

Great.

♪ ♪

So this calzone pocket is the Earth.

If the outside of the calzone pocket is the Earth's crust, what does the cheese represent?

Does anyone have an idea?

David? The molten core?

Great. Nice work.

You knew that answer, didn't you, Ayo?

Boy, I sure wish you'd show everyone else how smart you are.

You know, I heard that people who stutter don't stutter when they sing, which I thought was pretty cool.

You could try singing in here anytime you want.

All right, something to keep in mind.

[yawns]

You look slee... s-sleepy.

Ms. F's been training at Sub-urbia the last few days, and her manager forced her to stay late and clean up the bathroom after someone's butt exploded in there.

Yeah.

[phone trilling]

Mm.

Ugh, sorry, Ayo.

Gotta take this. It's my manager.

He's what the French would refer to as a "douché."

Hello?

A.J., a huge corpo just came in.

What's a freakin' corpo?

Corporate order.

I'm gonna need you to come in immediately.

♪ ♪

Hey, Amy. Where's Craig?

Is he buying you another snack cake?

Probably not. He broke up with me.

But you two were so happy during reading circle.

Hey, wait up.

[somber music]

How could this happen to me?

All right, corpo order finished.

Hope you guys enjoyed the surprise field trip to Sub-urbia.

A.J., I'm gonna need you to stay after closing tonight to do inventory.

Chaz...

Mr. Machacha.

There you go.

Do you think you can do me a solid and let me have the night off? I'm exhausted, man.

Sure, you can have the night off.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah!

You know what, A.J.? You can have every night off.

Okay, I'll be here.

You're one short.

What's wrong, sir?

I hurt my back carrying the television to Ms. Snap's room.

[whimpers] Craimy!

[sighs]

Dear God, how many more days will this last?

Wait, Principal Pearson.

Yes?

My flow is crazy heavy today, and... oh, no.

I'm going to have a menstrual seizure unless someone goes to Thai Palace and gets me pad Thai, no egg, extra peanuts.

Feed me!

[groans] No!

Feed me!

Ah!

Whatever you need, I'll do... I'll do it.

[funky percussive music]

[gasps] Oh. Craig.

Didn't expect to see you here.

It's the water fountain. Everybody comes here.

You're looking well.

Okay.

Listen, I have to be honest, your breakup with Amy really hit me hard.

What happened?

Mm, I got bored.

You're Craimy. You belong together.

Don't let her go. If you do, one day you're gonna wake up, and you'll be in the 4th grade, looking down the barrel of middle school, and you'll realize that you made the biggest mistake of your tiny life.

Okay.

[dramatic music]

Oh, my God, my heart.

[gasps]

I can actually feel it breaking.

I ordered half an hour ago, and now you call and tell me that Fillmore is outside of your delivery area?

Do you have any idea what they're gonna do to me?

[all screaming]

Well, I am sorry too, Sirachai, and I'm scared.

[snoring]

[hissing]

[mouths words]

What happened?

We forgot to unwrap the calzone pocket before we put it in the microwave.

We're sorry, Ms. Feldman.

No, I'm supposed to be teaching you, not power-sawing Zs.

[sighs] I can't work two jobs anymore.

Are you gonna quit Sub-urbia?

I wish I could, but that job actually pays me more than teaching does.

What are you saying, Ms. Feldman?

This is gonna break my heart, but I can't be your teacher anymore.

It doesn't feel like the teachers' lounge without Feldman snoring on the couch.

Cannon's been subbing her class.

She says that all of her lesson plans are in graphic novel form.

It's your time, girl.

[dynamic music]

♪ ♪

Uh, excuse me, sir?

Uh, due to the, uh, crime scene in my pants, I was thinking that we could all really benefit from a Shasta vending machine.

[ominous music]

Are you kidding me?

I work so hard, and none of you appreciate me!

I'm not getting anybody a Shasta vending machine.

Get real.

What?

I spilled coffee on my suit pants.

Don't you dare judge me.

The Jessica McClintock effect.

[rock music]

Okay, guys.

So that was the set of economic and social policies on which Abraham Lincoln got elected.

Pretty interesting, right?

No.

It was boring.

Ms. Feldman usually dresses up like the people we're learning about.

She has a bunch of wigs and old clothes and a magic time-traveling garbage bag.

And Ms. Feldman said that we were gonna act out the Lincoln-Douglas debate.

She taught us the alphabet with "Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang."

And I didn't get gravity until Ms. Feldman explained that pro wrestling couldn't exist without it.

You're nice, Ms. Cannon, but we just really miss Ms. Feldman.

All: Yeah!

[somber music]

♪ ♪

That son of a bitch.

Who is that little hussy?

Hussy? That's Cheryl.

She's nine, and she loves to color.

Well, something tells me that Craig isn't the first boy Cheryl's gone down the slide with.

[gentle piano music]

Hey, Amy. Uh...

Listen, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this for you.

These next 18 to 36 months are gonna be a living hell.

You'll cry everywhere all the time.

And you'll want to reach out to your best girlfriend for support, but you won't, because you'll only be interrupting her "full life."

So instead, you'll sit in the cheap "bridesmaid" tank top she gave you, un-liking all of her wedding photos on Facebook.

Don't worry, Amy.

You will come through the other side of this and find your perfect soul mate.

[whispers] We both will.

I'm not too worried about it.

I want to be a cat doctor in France when I grow up, so I'll be too busy to worry about boys.

She's so strong.

[groans] My stomach, oh...

[groaning]

Hey. Are you okay?

It's just, I can't do anything right.

I hate myself, and I hate my body right now.

Oh, here.

Take this cupcake.

You're gonna want to get yourself some red wine too.

And go watch the YouTube video of a lion reuniting with the dog that raised him.

It gets me every time.

Thanks, ladies.

[sobs]

I don't even know why I'm crying.

Aw, I know.

Mmm.

♪ Open up your gates... ♪

For the love of God, if I have to listen to one more person try to be Lisa Loeb, I'm gonna lose my mind.

♪ Because I'm done ♪
♪ And it's no longer fun ♪

Where'd you guys get all this money?

It's their lunch money. They wanted to do this.

They thought if you had more money, you'd come back and teach them again.

Your kids love you, Feldman.

Hey, all these people can't be in here not ordering anything. Y'all can't loiter here.

I got it.

Hey, guys, Ms. F is mad touched, but until the U.S. gets super cool like Finland and starts paying teachers better, I just can't afford to come back and teach, okay?

♪ To make your budget ♪
♪ You need to get a fourth roommate ♪
♪ Apply for income-based repayment ♪
♪ For your student loans ♪
♪ No more concert enhancers ♪
♪ For a while ♪
♪ And you should be able to afford ♪
♪ To come back to Fillmore ♪

[applause]

I'm so proud of you, Ayo.

Listen, Chaz, me and teaching are like the cookie butter and pickles that come on the Kitchen Sink Sandwich.

They shouldn't go together, but for some crazy reason, they do.

I'm meant to be a teacher.

Suck it, Sub-urbia! [laughs]

[students cheering]

[funky percussive music]

Hey, Caroline.

I found your breakup books in the trash.

I knew you didn't mean to throw them away, so I snatched them up for ya.

Actually, I threw them away on purpose.

I'm done obsessing over true love.

There are other things in life to focus on.

Who knows, maybe I'll move to France and take care of cats.

Good for you.

Yeah.

Oh, how cute.

Look at Brad and Becky.

Becky.

Brad. Becky.

Everybody down of the swings.