02x05 - The Crime Scene the Storyteller and the Sanctimonious Tower of Morality

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on "The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret."

Todd Margaret: And we think you'd be the perfect new face for "Thunder Muscle."

Steve Davis: Snooker! It's not snicker!

Ow!

Alice Bell: What's this?

Oh, a little somethin' I like to call your new, liquor license.

In Hertfordshire.

Oh, no, my job!

What did you do?

You bastard, digging up Princess Di's grave!

I'm not so sure this is a good idea, guys.

[ alarm sounding ]

S02E05 - "The Crime Scene, The Storyteller and the Sanctimonious Tower of Morality"
Original Air Date on February 3, 2012

One turkish made mobile phone, black.

One set of "fur for- for her" handcuffs, pink.

Two penis "suck 'em "and see" lollies, and one "I'm a little devil" twist and shout dildo, ball sack ripped.

Don't worry, mate. You'll be able to replace all of this in here.

Yeah, can I make my phone call?

What do you think this is? America?

I don't get to make a phone call-- you don't do that here? yeah-- no, you do.

Just making sure you didn' think this was America.

Hi-- I'd like the number for Young and Not Legal, please.

Oy!

What do you think you're doing?

Making my phone call!

And that's who you phoned?

Scum!

Scum?

Okay, yeah, we'll see what you're saying when they send one of their eager beavers down here and I'm in and out in two minutes, and you gotta clean up the mess, captain Hump.

You're going to the nonch wing.

Hi.

Todd, isn't it, two ds?

Welcome to the wing.

Now, don't get up, sleepyhead.

I-I just wanna take you through the morning's itinerary.

Breakfast is served at 8:00.

Then, there's some time to yourself-- I like to call that "free swim."

Uh, then, here's sing-a-long on mondays, and then, it's the reading group.

Okay.

It's super.

You see, before I came to live here, I used to write graphic stories for children.

So, we like to gather in a circle and enjoy those.

Okay.

Right-- you two, stop wrestling-- no more chateau enough to pop for you, mister.

Now, I need you to eat that roll-- don't give me that--

Excuse me... Do you need some assistance, ma'am?

Uh, yeah-- thank you.

I would-- it's him. He won't touch his egg roll. I cannot really give him his riesling, otherwise.

All right, you, touch the roll.

You heard the lady.

All of you, take a bite of your egg rolls.

On three, ready?

One, two, three.

Alice, uh, may I have a bowl of soup, please?

Yes, of course you can, Mary.

And a liter of chablis.

Right.

Uh, excuse me, madam?

Where'd you get your liquor license there?

Hmm? Oh, I got that from Todd--

From the, uh, from, uh, from the town--

From the town hall, The, uh, the coun-council, uh, meeting.

It's legitimate.

Do you mind if I take a look at it? yeah-- no, but go. I mean, it's not the original.

Where's the original, then?

In Leeds. why is it in Leeds?

I was brought up there.

Well, my dad was.

I still visit him. He's not dead.

No, this isn't valid.

Hmm?

You need to get this authorized.

Alice Bell?

Yeah-- well, I just-- I've been a bit busy, so I'm-I'm gonna get around to it.

Are you Alice Bell?

No-- no-no-no-no.

No, that-that's, um, that's my sister.

Alice, my soup, dear?

In a minute, Mary!

She just called you "Alice." yeah-- no, becau--

No, I am Alice.

Each-- we're-we're twins.

Twins, with the same first name?

Yeah-- well, 'cause we're identical.

You can still get us muddled up, you know, um, well, she's black.

Um, can you say that? I don't know, anymore-- it's--

Run a check for me on Alice Bell, proprietor of Graceland's cafe.

Copy that.

Well, thank you, very much, officers, for all the helping.

Um, I'll just-- can I get you something to eat?

Take away?

You all right? You seem nervous.

I'm not nervous.

[ nervously laughs ]

I'm-I'm not nervous.

What-- is it a crime to be nervous?

To laugh, is-is-is that a crime?

No-- bioterrorism, is-is that a crime?

Yes, a very serious crime.

Why do you ask?

W-w-why? W-what?

Is it a crime to ask questions?

I mean, you're asking questions.

You should just watch yourself, okay?

Someone might arrest you, too.

No one's arresting you, ma'am.

Good-- I'm free to-to go, then, to my kitchen because I-I have received my orders.

You-you have your orders, and I have mine, so, I'll just be back in a moment.

Alice, just think, think.

Todd Margaret, what have you gotten me into?

g*dd*mn you, you-you...

Just a minute.

Think.

Alice Bell is a person of interest in ongoing investigations into Todd Margaret.

Approach with caution.

Todd Margaret?

She's not here.

What's that?

Bioterrorism.

It's a b*mb!

I love you.

[ microwave beeps ]

Ah!

Ah!

Hey, I love you, too, man.

Oh, f*ck off me, you f*gg*t.

Loop to the left and loop to the right.

Tie it in a bow.

What a lovely sight!

That's how we tie our shoes.

Boom-boom.

[ clapping ]

Wow!

That was wonderful, guys.

And now, it's Brian's story time.

Brian?

Okay-- well, uh, when we last left off, uh, the prince and his two little playmates, Thomas and Nigel, had been locked away by the evil schoolteacher in the sanctimonious tower of morality.

Ooh!

Boo!

"How will I ever escape?"

Asked the short trousered school uniformed Thomas, his cherubic face streaked with tears.

"Don't you worry, little angel," said the prince, as he kissed the tears away.

"I've sent Owlsly owl on a mission to tell good king Ginsburg."

"He'll rescue us."

Nigel stiffened.

"But, that will take hours!"

"Well," said the prince, "Let's play a game."

Visitor for Todd Margaret.

Aw, I wanna hear how this ends-- Brian's good, huh?

Brent Wilts: Well, contaminated another crime scene.

I'm not done thoroughly scouring the room yet, but I did deduce from my initial test that Todd Margaret has definitely been here.

Yeah, it looks like he fled through the window in terror, probably using some kind of ironing board of some description.

Oh, very good, mr. Watson. I'm impressed.

I'm just looking at the evidence, right?

Oh, also, I ran a brief graphilogical analysis of this "who am I?" note, and I have concluded that this is clearly a man confused of his identity.

I mean, look at the upsweep on this letter "h."

Yeah, I'm thinkin', like, a light pink ironing board, with a white base and purple squares, you know?

Alice: Hey!

Open up!

It's Todd Margaret. I think he's pretending to be an old irish woman. ugh!

Oh!

Hey, Alice.

Oh!

What the f*ck are you doing?

Who are you?

Take it easy, kitty. He's got claws.

Oh, shut up.

Please, just shut up!

I wanna know, are you gonna rip me a new arsehole, or was it take your-your big cock and plow me so hard, It'll look my vag has been in a plane crash?

But, you're not, are you?

And do you know why you're not?

Because you can't, because you are so clearly overcompensating for your prematurely ejaculating, soft, little nub of a thing.

Do you wanna know how to really satisfy a woman?

Buy her some flowers.

Take her to dinner, okay?

Get her home, Put some music on, Slowly take off your clothes And then sh**t yourself In the face, okay-- dead. Don't miss.

Hi-- I'm Doug Whitney. I don't believe we've met yet.

All right-- so, you're caught up in this mess, as well, are you?

Where is Todd Margaret?

I am in a world of trouble because of him, because of you.

I need to clear my bloody name.

Where is he?

Um, we don't actually know that yet, at the present time.

Look, he's obviously duped us all into thinking that he's some kind of simple idiot, when clearly he is obscenely powerful.

Yeah, there's a man of mystery named Mountford, who's acting as his consularie, and we think Todd Margaret is just a cover identity for an international criminal mastermind.

Well, I don't think that.

Pam: Hey, baby!

You're on tv.

What?

Hello.

Oh, hey, Pam-- sorry.

I'm really sorry I didn't call you.

My-- I actually lost my phone.

Who are you?

...In prison.

Todd Margaret, the megathrax bioterrorist was arrested this morning, whilst trying to exhume Princess Diana with a dildo.

Also, wanted for organ vandalism, running a counterfeit money ring, and the suspected wankacide of an M.P.

Whoa! I told you so!

Oh, please-- if he's such a mastermind, why would he let himself get arrested?

That's a good point. Why would he let himself be arrested?

So, he can tunnel out, dumb ass.

That's part of his whole--

Stop talking!

Okay, just-just let me just try and figure this mess out.

Okay, he-he's not some kind of mastermind.

What is the one thing we know for sure about Todd Margaret?

He's a twat.

Todd: Dave! Oh, thank god!

Dave: Mate, what happened?

I came, as soon as I heard.

I don't know-- it's some crazy misunderstanding.

You gotta get me outta here.

What do you expect me to do?

Call the minister of justice?

This is really bad timing, mate.

They're thinking about reinstating the death penalty.

What?

They're calling it "the Todd Margaret bill."

That won't apply to me, will it?

What have they said to you about a hearing?

I don't know-- somethin' like six weeks or something.

Six weeks!

I can't wait that long.

Supposed to be in Milan For [ indistinct ] birthday. sh*t!

There can't be a death penalty.

I'm going to have to call the minister of justice.

Dave?

Dave!

Dave?

All right.

So, you hired Todd as a temp?

He said he had good people skills.

Right, and-and you-you were--

You were hired by Mountford, a man you've never met or even seen, who just out of the blue makes you president of a multi-national company?

Good people skills?

Okay, so-so, you set Todd up with passport, ticket, flat, office, company phone, assistant, bank account?

Yes, except for any of that. I didn't do any of that.

What-- well, who did?

Mountford.

Oh, what? So-so, Todd is magically handed all this information.

He just flies into London, arrives into his office, where his assistant, Dave is waiting for him.

You know what? Dave's actually pretty smart. He's been very helpful to us.

Dave isn't smart, you idiots.

He is a manipulative cock.

Okay?

He repeatedly made a fool out of Todd in my cafe.

He dressed him up in ridiculous clothes.

He made him waste 50 grand on a snooker player.

Got him beaten up all the time.

The last time Dave helped, he was in a coma for three days.

Okay, for your information, sister, without Dave, we wouldn't be here, so--

That's true.

Right!

Well, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Doug is Mountford!

Dave is behind all this! yes, Todd Margaret is Dave.

That's why we've never seen 'em In the same room together. Write that down.

You are good-- I've like, now, two sidekicks.

You don't have any sidekicks, okay?

Who are you?

I'm--

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Don't answer that-- I am gonna hunt this assh*le down.

Well, you need to, um, go and talk to Todd.

See if you can find out where Dave is.

Yes, I will go commit a crime and engineer a way to get into his cell.

Just visit him!

Yes-- they won't be expecting that, will they?

That's even better.

Scotland Yard.

So, Brian, you seem like a nice enough guy.

What'd you do to land in here?

Oh, nothin' really, kid stuff-- so, um, tell me your story, Todd-- tell me about, um, Todd Margaret.

Well, I came over here to sell Thunder Muscle and I-- no-no-no-no-no-no.

Go-go back to the beginning.

Oh, well, I was temping in an office in Portland.

No-no-no-no-no-no.

Back-back-back-back-back.

Uh, I graduated High school and--

Further.

Grade school?

Further.

I was six years old?

Great-- yeah, let's start there-- so, you were playing with your little friends-- yeah?

Yeah, um, well, my best friend, at the time, was this kid, Mark Boylen, and we'd play freeze tag together and--

Uh, what were you wearing?

I don't know, a t-shirt, shorts, sneakers-- I don't know.

Man, you writers sure love your detail, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Well, Mark had the tiniest little birthmark right on...

Brent: Oh, jesus, man! You're worse than my second wife-- She was a**l, too, and not in a good way.

Come on, man. Let's get outta here!

Doug: Oh, Brent, I'm not gonna apologize for being responsible and tidying up, and doing the right thing.

It's Todd Margaret. I don't think he's comin' back.

Okay-- well, let me just, at least, alphabetize these CDs.

Whoa-whoa-- let me see that.

Oh, reverend Harris Goody.

Oh, these are the self-help CDs you were mentioning.

Yeah-yeah, that one's mine, but this one's not mine.

Something about this guy's voice-- it's like he could sell cigarettes to a cancer hospice.

Hey, we've been here before.

Remember the, uh, crest of sir Lancelot's cousin?

What-- did I f*ck her?

No-- we've been here.

This is the crest at Lord Mountford's mansion.

Elementary, dr. Wiltson.

Hey-- yeah!

It's that same shitty house.

Lord Mountford's attending that symposium for businesswomen trapped beneath the glass ceiling, tomorrow at the Academic Society of Westminster.

I've gotta gain access somehow.

If only I had a wig and some fake breasts, or better yet, a businesswoman I could sneak in with.

Or, better yet, If you d*ed.

Uh, Pam, um, do you happen to have a wig and fake breasts?

Pam: No, they're real.

No-- okay-- um, well, so you have any friends that are businesswomen?

What, lesbians?

No-no, not like that.

Uh, okay, never mind.

Um, would you be persuadable for a little game of dress-up, so we can sneak into the--

Ah, you want me to slap you about a bit-- all right-- okay.

Um, I don't do a**l.

Yeah, all right, I will, but we need to put a plastic sheet down.

Uh, but the kids are watching telly, so you're gonna have to keep it down.

No, I'm afraid you have me mistaken-- I'm not here for intercourse with you-- I--

What do you want, then, you weirdo?

Well, I respect you very much.

I just have a proposition of a different kind.

So, you don't want that?

No-- um, but, do you own any underwear?

Under what?

It's like an undergarment that you can wrap around your genitalia.

Why?

Hygiene.

Are you gonna cry through this?

Uh, I just wanna keep you clean-- I mean, I-I--

He's about this tall, and his name's Dave.

He's early 20s-- he was in here with Steve Davis?

Yeah, I seen him.

He was in here with Steve Davis.

Yeah, um, where can I--

Name's, uh-- Dave.

He's, uh--

His name's Dave.

Dave.

Dave.

Yeah-- I'm looking for him, so, do you think you can--

Young lad, like, early 20s?

Yeah, where can I find him, because I--

About this-this tall?

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

You looking for him?

Yes, for-- forget it.

Doesn't matter.

So, you want your drink, then?

I didn't order a drink.

You didn't order a drink, did ya?

Jesus, you're-you're like some kind of reverse Obi-wan Kenobi.

Yeah, I'm kinda like a River.

Hi-- um, mr. Davis, hi.

Sorry-- look, um, first of all, I wanna apologize for throwing you out of my cafe.

Steve: No, dear-- it's me that should apologize to you.

It was all a bit of a blur.

One minute, I'm sat there.

The next thing I knew, I was naked, in a bin, outside of Burger King, Gherkins everywhere.

Oh-- well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Everywhere.

Okay-- well, um, about that day, do-do you remember an associate of Todd Margaret's?

His name was Dave.

No-- I just met the bloke once.

I don't really remember much.

No-- nothing strike you about him as-as odd or that-that stands out?

No, sorry.

Oh, wait, there was one thing.

When I spoke to him on the phone, I heard someone saying, "stroke.

"stroke."

"stroke."

Maybe he was calling from a rowing club.

Oh, yeah.

That makes more sense.

I was thinking--

Yeah, that would've been it.

Todd: Dave?

Dave?

Brent: Dave.

Dave?

Dave.

Dave?

Dave.

Dave.

Dave.

Dave?

Dave.

Dave?

Dave.

Dave?

Dave!

Dave!

Dave!

Dave!

Dave!

Dave.

Dave?

Dave.

Dave.

Dave-Dave-Dave.

Dave.

My assistant, Dave, right?

What makes you so sure it's Dave?

Look at the facts, man.

They're staring you in the face.

Alice figured it out.

Alice-- you spoke to Alice?

Did-did she mention me at all?

Did she mention anything about, uh, a kiss?

I mean, it was sort of a kiss.

Uh, in some cultures, definitely a kiss.

Would you call this a kiss?

Jesus-- you fuckwit!

Are you crazy?

They're gonna f*ck us like twin sisters in an oil rig, starting with you.

Look, just don't worry about Alice, okay?

She's looking for Dave.

She is?

Yeah.

Did she mention anything about a kiss?

Todd Margaret, my name is Collin De Granville, Q.C.

Hi.

Forgive me, if I forgo certain pleasantries, but time is scarce.

The hearing is being brought forward to tomorrow.

Tomorrow!

I know, extraordinary decision.

Now, I've done a lot of work on this, and there is cause for hope-- a number of these charges are based on circumstantial evidence.

A number contravene European Human rights laws.

I am very confident that we can substantially reduce--

Hey, get the f*ck outta here!

Excuse me?

Dave sent you to f*ck with Todd, didn't he?

Dave sent you?

No-- I'm a state-appointed defender, one of the most highly respected barristers in London.

Oh, yeah, like they sent their top guy.

Well, it's a principle of the English judicial system.

Yeah-- well, you tell Dave that Todd Margaret fights his own legal battles.

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!

Wait-wait-wait-- wait.

Give Dave a message for me.

Oh!

Oh, yeah!

Ha-ha!

Whoo-- whoo!

Yeah!

Na-na-new-new-na-na-na-na-

New-new-new.

Ow!

Oh!

Ah!

Still gonna need a lawyer, though.

Objection, your honor.

Hello, assh*le.

I'm reverend Harris Goody, With another self-help CD.

So, you need to pretend to be a barrister.

Well, guess what, douche bag?

I can take you there in four easy steps.

Step one: Don't take "no" for an answer-- none up.

Interrupt and interrupt often.

You object?

f*ck you, judge-- I object!

Bam!

That's the hammer comin' down.

...Arrested in London, England for over 103 crimes.

Todd's Dad: No.

...Ranging from defraudation of a puppy seller to mass m*rder.

Honey!

Reporting for k-b-g-w, I'm Stephanie Daley.

That boy in-in a lot of trouble-- why you have to go and tell him that he was adopted?

Now, I gotta go to the airport, again.

[ music ]