03x04 - The Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

man: And, yea, verily doth it be decreed in Book Three, Chapter Four that the Catalyst did arise with newfound clarity in his visions and so journeyed far away to an inhospitable land to rally for the right...

♪

(groaning)

(laughing)

Alice: I was wrong about you...

I'll see you in court!

Your lunch with Simon Cowell is going to be fish and chips.

Oi!

Answer ya telephone!

Hey... could somebody answer the phone...

(phone ringing)

Suspected release of Megathrax.

Do I have to do everything myself?

(phone ringing)

I have to do everything myself!

(booming)

("Life is Sweet" ringtone plays)

(straining)

Hello?

Dave: Good afternoon, Todd Margaret.

This is Todd Margaret.

Who is this?

It... it's me, mate.

Oh, Dave, Dave...

There you go!

Are you all right, Todd?

Yeah, why, what time is it?

Uh... It's 10:45.

I texted you yesterday regarding a meeting with Sainsbury's...

Oh, yeah. Okay, okay, yeah.

I'll be in the office in a minute.

Ta-ta!

(Pam, with cockney accent) What you on about?

What have I told you about nicking other people's cheese strings?

Disaronno, Sambuca, leave Malibu alone!

So, what do you think of me bathroom?

It's amazing.

It's dark, claustrophobic.

This perfectly illustrates the lunacy of modern day London.

I'm going to have to reevaluate... everything!

May I see it again?

Yeah, all right, but 'avin' another look's gonna cost you a grand, though.

The dream.

♪

The idea of putting on this whole chav persona is brilliant!

And it's so authentic and grounded.

And renting three shitty kids really gives you credibility.

(losing the accent) I just can't believe it took me so long to figure out.

So, what, what do I got here?

So, Pam, neighbor, North Korea, oh, I got b*at up in Leeds and sent to the hospital.

Leeds... bad... I blew up the world, a trial, don't make fun of dastar hats.

Megathrax. Dave, Dave... Dave?

Dave.

Alice dies, but Alice is sweet.

She's good.

Okay...

Alice: If we want this to work.

We have to start by separating the whites.

Todd: Hi...

What do you want?

I'm super busy.

Aw, wow, thanks.

Are they cold fusion nuclide titanium creams?

Uh, they got nuts in them.

(mooing)

Oh, God!

Oh, Rachel, that is never gonna make 2,000 sliders.

Uh, okay, lem... lemme just say my piece.

As you can see, I'm kind of busy so...

Remember I told you I had that dream, right?

In the dream you're... you're... you're good.

You're a good, decent person.

Yeah, well, in my reality, you've been a lying little assh*le.

So...

All right, I know, I know.

And, look, I... I never put stock in dreams, you know, but this one is different.

Okay, it... it's... it's vivid, it's real, it's becoming real, and in it, you help me.

(mooing, shattering)

I've blown them back up too big.

How?

Oh, Jesus, look, Todd...

Okay, I just wanted to say, I'm sorry and I now know that you're... you're a voice of reason and you are pure, and I know that, and so does Hudson Bear.

Hudson Bear: Let us head forth toward the great white north.

(Hudson Bear playing music)

All right, well, uh, yeah, all right.

I do love Hudson Bear...

(crashing and mooing)

Oh, God!

I've taken on too much!

I've taken... this is too much!

Alice, can I help in any way?

Sorry, that came out sexual.

I didn't mean it to.

Well, no, it's... it's the garden party.

I mean, we moved it to a bigger venue and that's good and the TV news want to cover it and that's obviously great, but we are expecting thousands now...

Alice, at the risk of sounding opportunistic, how much money are you on the hook for?

About twenty grand.

That's nothing, Thunder Muscle will sponsor this.

It's perfect.

Thunder Muscle, the energy drink?

Yeah, I'll cut you a check right now for twenty grand.

Thunder Muscle was responsible for a massive crater outside my restaurant.

A hundred grand.

Thank you, Todd!

Thank you!

Yeah.

We are so grateful, you are... you're my savior.

Yeah... Thanks, well, you know...

Why don't you come up?

Sure... up?

To the Garden Party... it's in Leeds.

Leeds?

Yeah.

♪

Sameer, call this lady and get a truck full of Thunder Muscle to the location she gives you and hire some guys, hang some banners.

Tess, get the Thunder Girls to go and pass out some Thunder Muscle, Thunder Bucks to the same place, all right?

And you're going as well, right?

No... Apparently, uh, me and Leeds do not get along.

And Tim Dempsey faces a three-year ban from football having tested positive for banned substances.

Tim Dempsey has steadfastly maintained his innocence and has threatened to sue whatever or whomever is responsible.

Answer your telephone.

reporter: ... comet watch segment, and all eyes are on the skies as at long...

(phone ringing)

Brent: This is really important because you're gonna wanna know your tonality with... the comet and all...

♪

Oh, yeah, with the comet coming...

(inaudible chatter)

(shutter clicking)

Before you know it, you're gonna be on...

Good, that's good. Now you're...

(electronic beeping)

(beep)

(beeping)

(beep)

Okay, so I've got a team from Sainsbury's sat in the conference room.

And... how'd you make that happen?

Oh, I spoke to them.

You just randomly called the, uh... heads of one of England's largest companies and said, "Hi, my name's Dave. I'm a temp at Global National.

You want to swing by and meet my boss" or...

Not exactly, my father was going to Sainsbury's and I tagged along.

Uh-huh.

Also, I don't have an event in Leeds listed, but you can fill me in on everything on the way up.

Oh, I'm not gonna... you think I should go to Leeds?

Of course.

It's a massive pitch, you want to be in the middle of it.

I'll drive you up... in fact, I insist on it.

You insist on it, okay...

Also, I sent another fruit basket to Jeremy Stephenson apologizing for missing the meeting yesterday.

You spoke to Jeremy Stephenson?

Yes.

This morning?

You spoke to Jeremy Stephenson this morning?

Yes, sir.

What d'you use? A Ouija board?

(chuckles) Boss? What...

So those people in that room, they're from Sainsbury's?

Yes, I think I've set you up quite nicely!

Okay...

Okay, um, you know what, forget about Leeds for the moment, uh, uh, I have something that is, uh, far more pressing.

Okay.

It's more urgent for Global National.

I need you to go to the lab where they're running the Tim Dempsey tests and steal the results and any incriminating evidence.

Oh...

(laughing)

That's a good one!

That's...

Boss, that's highly illegal.

Yes.

If I got caught, I could get into serious trouble.

Well, you know, hypothetically.

So don't get caught.

But, um...

You're all about helping me, right?

You know, the world's "best boss"...

Yes!

Yes, yes.

All right, boss.

What... Now?

Yes.

Run along, and I'll meet with the... good folks... from "Sainsbury's."

Oh, that is definitely their name.

Mmm...

Okay, okay, okay...

(On phone) Trevor, could you pull the car round front, please?

*** with Azerbaijan and Turkmenistan solidified, we should see unrivaled growth.

(inhaling sharply)

Okay, I... I'll tell ya what, let's, uh, throw away the scripts, okay, and just have some fun.

All right, Jeanette again... but this time you just got a letter from a long lost family member.

Chris, you're an artisan cheese maker with a really bad toothache, and you've taken a vow of silence because your love for Jeanette has gone unrequited.

Collin, you are a QC with a bit of a secret...

I don't want to know what it is exactly, but just let it trickle out.

Okay, let's start again from "quarterly sales," and remember it's improv, so it doesn't have to be funny.

We think the proposal speaks for itself.

We can redefine terms...

(crying)

It's from my long lost father.

(crying)

He passed away about a fortnight ago.

He was lost at sea.

(sobbing)

Uh-uh-uh, Chris, vow of silence.

Remember, say it with your eyes.

Stop this! What are you doing?

And... scene, I guess... sorry, that seemed a bit short to me...

What are you playing at, Mr. Margaret?

We're only here as a personal favor to young...

Dave, right, I know... yeah.

He's the guy who contacted you when he was grocery shopping with his daddy, is that right?

Okay, why don't you take your little improv troupe and, uh, f*ck off back to Covent Garden.

Make some real money, huh?

Come on! Thank you so much, that was very entertaining.

Thank you. Good-bye.

You can be assured Lord Mountford will hear about our treatment...

Oh, you Googled Lord Mountford!

Good for you... you did your research.

Very professional.

Well, tell Dave I said nice try.

Oh! One last thing...

I'm sorry, could you give Dave a message for me?

(grunts)

What?

Uh, Mr. Margaret, with all due respect, I think it's a mistake to upset Dave.

Is that what you think?

Okay, great, thanks, noted.

Huh, you wanna go deep sea diving with me...

Yeah, hi, I want to, uh, report a, uh, break-in and a theft.

Right about now, actually.

Mm-hmm, that's right.

Um, in your lab there, the Tim Dempsey tests, yeah, there's a young man, uh, roughly 25, dark hair, about six feet tall, named Dave... uh, (snapping fingers) Dave...

(whispering) What's his name?

Mountford.

Mountford...

Dave Mount, Dave... Dave Mount... Dave... Dave... Dave.

(hyperventilating)

That's why... son of a... Lord!

(chuckling) You will never guess what has just happened to me.

You were riding along and then a huge 18-wheeler filled with Thunder Muscle and blasting Turkish music sideswiped you and ran over your bike and then you got a ticket for indecent exposure.

Yes... well, that... that is exactly what happened.

(crying) I can't... that's... I'm it's coming tr...

It's true... That was me.

I did that... I di...

I was... that was me.

That was me... I did that.

No, no, that guy was bald, he was Turkish.

He was called Achmed Al Abdulawallahwallah.

And, you've been here all day, sir.

Yeah... yeah... what? I know... okay...

(laughing) Right, okay, I know, uh, that was funny... that was funny.

Wait, wait, yeah because the guy I ran over in my dream was different.

You're an anchor man, you're... you're on TV, you read the news.

Oh, God... (sobbing)

Peter: Are... are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine.

No... yes, that's right.

(glasses shattering)

Oh, yeah, another thing, he... he didn't have glasses.

Yeah, I... there is a resemblance...

(clinking)

(whimpering softly) I can't...

I can't stop it.

It's... it's really happening.

It is really happening... I can't stop it.

Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave is Mountford.

He's after me. He's evil, you don't...

The... the end of the world happens and it's my fault.

And... and my cat dies and... and Alice dies and, well... it sounds crazy 'cause it... 'cause it... 'cause it is crazy.

(shouting) This is crazy!

(screaming) This sounds crazy 'cause it is crazy, right?

Yeah!

Okay... Ha-ha. Okay.

All right, you know what... you know what? I'm gonna go to Leeds... I'm gonna go to Leeds. I'm going to Leeds. I'm gonna go to Leeds. I'm gonna go to Leeds... I'm gonna go Lee... I'm... Yup, I'm gonna go to Leeds.

(chuckling)

♪

Brent: Todd?

Oh, good.

(door closes)

Finally climbed the ladder, heh.

Wait, they've added two more rungs?

That's fantastic.

Now even more truth for me to learn.

Though where am I gonna come up £300,000 in 24 hours?

Huh...

♪

Ahh, not so fast, my once-elusive quarry!

Doug, I don't have time for this.

I have to get to the sperm bank before it closes.

No... no more running away.

I am demanding that you sign this requisition form.

(chuckling) Oh, Douglas!

He that knoweth the end will clear the Earth of its...

Uhhh, fudge!

Huh?

No, I can't, uh... Ah, I can't think of it.

Clear the Earth of its... not people, its... but it's like a word that... means people.

It's like, uhhh... oh, ding dong doodle bugs, I c... I cannot think of it... Sugar sticks!

It brings me no pleasure to do this, Mr. Wilts, but you've been Whitney'd.

I'm calling Mr. Margaret right now.

Okay listen, Doug, hear me out.

Yes, I took the money, but it was for very good reason.

What money?

For...

Well, isn't... well, why are you here?

I'm here for the new microwave!

I haven't had a decent cup of noodles in weeks!

Doug!

(shouting) Weeks!

Doug, listen to me.

What I have to offer you is far better for you than a cup of noodles, okay?

The other day when I supposed to meet you at the bar and I never showed up... I was there.

Hey there!

I'm American. Do you speak English?

'Cause I speak French and Greek, if you know what I'm saying.

Get lost, you pig.

(scoffs)

That's London for ya.

Nothing but a shitty British c**t desert.

I'd appreciate you not using that language.

Sorry. (clears throat)

Sorry is the first rung.

What are you, a Jesus guy?

Hardly.

Ohh, like a Sci-Ti, huh?

Please, Scientology is a fraud.

It's a bunch of made-up gobbledygook.

But here's the truth.

There is a prophet that walks amongst us.

He's the one known as The Catalyst and through his premonitions, he shall usher forth a new era.

There is a ladder, both real and conceptual, which has eight operating rungs on it.

Each rung represents a case gain on one's tone arm.

When you reach the top of the ladder, you become Seg-Four, and that means you are clear.

Oh, you must have read the news reports about the, uh, Phantasos comet entering our atmosphere.

Well, the Reverend Goody, he's our Grand Imperial Illuminator, has discovered that he himself is an EKLAH, an Evolutionary Kingdom Layer Above Human.

You see, the Angel Moroni appeared before Goody and led him to the secret burial site of the gold-colored plates, which only he was given access to.

These plates contained the imagery of the wood carving which contain the imagery of the Catalyst.

So we need to climb the ladder to prepare for the impending awakening of the Catalyst.

Then he will tell us where the jumping off point is so we can get there.

And then after the Catalyst has ignited the fireball, we land on the comet which will then take us straight into heaven's arms!

I'm in.

I'm in.

(laughing)

crowd, chanting: The tea in your cup is from India, so shut up!

The tea in your cup is from India, so shut up!

The tea in your cup is from India, so shut up!

The tea in your cup is from India, so shut up!

The tea in your cup is from India, so shut up!

woman: Fascist!

The tea in your cup is from India, so shut up!

(brass band playing)

Please give a Garden Party Cheer to the pure breeds.

(cheering)

I'll take one of those, thank you.

Rachel: And, now, please welcome to the stage, the author of the Garden Party Manifesto, "Death By Chocolate: A Recipe for Disaster,"

Miss Alice Bell!

(cheering and applause)

White... is right!

(crowd cheering)

Right is white.

For too long, this country has been contaminated by the poison of immigration.

Immigration is contamination.

Multiculturalism is death.

Death to multiculturalism.

"Death By Chocolate" is a recipe for disaster.

(cheering)

I'm very discriminating.

England must seal its borders now.

The thing you're supposed to do nowadays of course is, you know, serve Chinese and Thai and Lebanese, but it's my restaurant, so, only British!

Our homes will be overrun...

We have to start by separating the whites.

Could outlaw fried chicken for starters!

Don't think you can call them Nazis.

I mean, they don't deserve that.

... to take advantage of our free services.

(cheering loudly) And don't even get me started on the Irish!

crowd chanting: Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil...

Hey!

Friends, I would like to introduce to you the man who made all of this possible.

Let's give a big Garden Party and Thunder Muscle welcome to Todd Margaret!

He shares our vision.

Todd: No, I do not share you vision. He is the President of drinks.

No, that's not true.

Drink Thunder Muscle to make us strong.

No, thank you.

It is the strongest...

I do not share your vision...

And the whitest.

Thunder M...

Okay, thank you.

All right, great. Uh, okay, all right, um...

crowd chanting: "Sieg Heil"

You know, folks... Great, I appreciate it.

I think it's important to say...

Where's my camera? Over here?

Okay, I think it's important to, um, let everyone know... (crowd dies down) ... that Thunder Muscle is all inclusive, okay?

Everyone is invited to enjoy this delicious, energy-providing, thirst-quenching drink.

Okay, everyone.

man: But not the Muslims, though, right?

No, Muslims can enjoy it as well, yes.

man: Or Jews?

man 2: The Jews run the media!

No, no, uh, Rupert Murdoch runs the media, folks.

man: Rupert Murdoch's a Jew?

No, no, that's not what I'm saying.

Rupert Murdoch is not a Jew.

crowd chanting: Rupert Murdoch is secretly a Jew!

Okay, no, he's not and...

(chanting continues)

Why am I defending Rupert Murdoch?

All right, you know what, I'm gonna... just take these down if that's okay.

Don't take the...

(crowd gasping)

Oh, Alice!

What've you done, you idiot?!

Alice?

man: He's k*lled the people's princess.

man 2: Get him!

(crowd clamoring)

Rachel: Someone call an ambulance!

(panting)

Jesus Christ, they're gonna k*ll me.

(murmuring)

man: He's in there!

man: Where'd he go?

man: There's one of 'em.

woman: r*cist scum!

man 2: Get him! Fascist!

Stop! Take me to the hospital!