03x06 - The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret

man: And yea, verily, doth it be decreed in Book Three, Chapter Six in which the Catalyst, as metaphor, truly reaches the end of his journey.

Ipso facto, completus.

So everyone's ready, yeah?

You've all packed your toothbrushes and your jim-jams?

Trustin' everyone's got a clean pair of undies on.

Don't worry about money or any of that.

You won't be needin' that where we're goin'.

Of course, you have transferred your remaining funds into the church bank account, but, again, we won't be needin' that.

But, again, you have transferred it.

So, again, we won't actually be needing it, but as I say, you have transferred it.

Again, we won't actually be needing it, but it is fair to say you have transferred it.

So... any questions?

Uh, yeah, the one in the sweatshirt.

Where are we going?

The first place we're going is...

Heathrow Airport.

(men exclaiming)

Now, as you know, we have dispatched Brother Wilts to pick up the Catalyst and bring him to us.

So soon, brothers, the prophecy will be fulfilled.

men: Yes.

(distant siren wailing)

Officer Tickles: So the charges are as follows...

Possession of a rape kit, antisocial behavior, money laundering, bioterrorism, forgery.

You're confessing to all of this?

Yes.

Do you have proof of these things?

No.

I haven't done them yet, but I will.

And then... and then I blow up the world.

I see.

Please, you've gotta lock me up.

Preferably in a nonce wing.

Are you a nonce?

I don't know.

I don't even know what that means.

It's something I've dreamt about.

Look, if you're just trying to get laid, there are other less... prison-y places.

No, that's not what this is abou...

Megathrax! That was me, that was me.

Look on your CCTV tape. That's me.

I was crawling out of the car. Lock me up.

Nice try, sir, we've already apprehended the suspect.

How? That was me. I was there.

No, it was Lord Mountford's son's driver.

Why would he frame his driver?

See, this is all part of his master plan.

You've... so you're not gonna arrest me?

No, sir.

(sighs) What am I doing wrong?

I don't understand...

I... I know what it is.

I have to dig up Princess Diana's corpse with a dildo at midnight.

That's it. I should have thought of that before I came in here.

I'm sorry to waste your time.

I'll see you in a few hours.

Uh, wh... where's the nearest place that I can get a dildo?

Big, big one, red.

The Big Red Dildo Store, SoHo.

All right, SoHo. Okay.

Now, Todd Margaret, what have you got?

Sir, we're not comfortable with the position you are putting us in.

Uh-uh, not another word.

You're fired. Get out.

Now, what have you got?

Okay, what if we do the old 100 pizzas delivered to his flat prank?

You're fired. Next.

(power tool whirring)

All right, what if you create this fake self-help guide, yeah?

And he has a series of self-help CDs and you send those to Todd Margaret in his office in America.

(distorted and fading) And you have another guy who's in the same company, but in a different location, (normal sound returns) and when he tries to bury his I.D. at Princess Diana's grave with a dildo, he gets arrested.

Simple.

No.

That is literally the opposite of simple.

I've clearly wasted my time with you lot.

You're fired.

You're fired as well.

man on radio: And in semi-tragic news, Alice Bell, racist chef beloved by the right, has died. Tributes continue to pour in from Argentina...

She was just so...

... and the American South. When we come back, I've got the new one from Stormfront.

That Todd Margaret's gonna pay for this.

It's David Mountford.

I want to speak with Billy the Cheesegrater.

Well, tell him he's un-retired.

(chattering)

See you tonight, ladies.

(line ringing)

He's here.

Dave: Take care of it. Call me as soon as it's done.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(man indistinct on radio)

Excuse me, miss.

Yeah.

Do you know where Cumberland Heights is?

Uh, yeah, that's not too far from here.

I think it's a bit down this road here.

Keep going until... Oh, there you are.

Yeah, it sucks.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.

We'll get through this.

Oh, sweetheart, what's the road to turn on down here to get to Cumberland Heights?

Oh, that's Kentish Road, right?

Or, no. Wait, uh, is it the sh1t one or the nice one?

(door opens, closes)

(panting)

(door buzzing)

Sir?

Trevor, you understand why it's important that Todd remain free, yes?

Yeah, so Billy can take his time to make him suffer.

I want you to know that everything will be done to make arrangements for your family.

Thank you, sir.

What was it you wanted again?

Oh, for a wife, I'd like a 28-year-old Filipino with big tits.

Got it.

And for my daughter... step-daughter, let's keep our options open.

Another 28-year-old Filipino with big tits?

The heart wants what the heart wants.

Is it weird if they're twins?

♪ Ooot and Aboot with Hudson Bear ♪

Come on now, gang, it's that time again.

Some of us have got to hibernate for the winter.

But you can't go to sleep now, Hudson Bear.

There's still so much more to do.

Well, that's what nature wants us to do, Olly Otter.

Now, Todd Marmot, stop your dilly dallying and put on your PJs.

How can you go to sleep now, knowing the whole forest is gonna be destroyed?

All because of me.

Hudson Bear: Todd, you took the logger's lunch but he's not destroying the forest because of that.

It would have happened anyway.

I wish I could go to sleep forever and never wake up.

Well, why would you say something like that?

Because then I couldn't cause any more trouble.

Now, Todd, why don't you just put on your pajamas and I'll make you a cup of my special tea.

That will help you get some rest.

You can dream about a better world where people like Dave the Logger will think twice before messing with us.

Hurry up, will you?

I am.

Here it is, Boswell Street. Two streets down to the left.

("Ride of the Valkyries" plays in background)

Come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

("Ride of the Valkyries" plays in background)

(silencer squeaking)

Ah!

(groaning)

(thinking) "Good-bye, everyone.

I've chosen to take my life in order to save yours.

No... "

The world.

I had a dream.

No, not a dream, but like, uh...

Not a vision, what is it? What's the word?

What's the word? Not a...

I mean, a dream that's not, uh...

I had... I had a dream that told me it was true.

Uh...

Not a vision...

The dream ca... came true.

No, it told me it was tr... No, it was true.

It came tr... Jesus Christ.

Why didn't I write this thing before I took the... dru...

Before...

In breaking news, the Megathrax threat has been negated. Tests have come back revealing that the strain of Megathrax is now thought to be benign. The quarantine has been lifted. And MP Jeremy Stephenson was first on the scene and conducted a press conference saying, "Thank God the situation has been reversed. We can all sleep soundly."

It's working.

The sacrifice... is...

(door closes)

Todd? Todd, you in here, buddy?

Todd.

Todd.

What'd you do?

Had a couple?

Tie one on? Come on.

Time to get up.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Todd. Todd.

Todd, Todd. (panting)

Hello, yes.

I need an ambulance right away at Cumberland Heights.

Please hurry! He's in real trouble!

Okay, you have a good one, too. Thank you.

Oh, Todd. Todd, come on. Come on.

Oh, I know what'll get... Todd, oh, God.

(straining) Here.

Todd, Todd, drink some.

Oh, come on, Todd.

Oh, stay with me, Todd. Don't quit on me now!

(siren blaring)

paramedic: Clear.

(defibrillator charging)

Charging 200.

Clear.

No, no, no, no, no. No. No, do it again, do it again. One more.

One more time, one more time.

Sir, we're doing everything we can.

I know you are, but three... you gotta do everything in threes.

Everybody knows that. That's like a universal given.

Here we go. Charge 200.

Clear.

(monitor flatlining)

No! No! God, Todd, you can't die!

No, you're the Catalyst. Todd, you're the Catalyst.

And I need to know the jumping off point.

Sir, please.

Oh, God, no, no, no. Fudge, fudge, fudge, fudge, fudge.

Brent (echoing): You're the Catalyst!

(birds chirping)

So Todd Margaret must have done something pretty horrid to you to put in a call to Billy the Cheesegrater.

Yes, Father, I wanted a slow death.

Professor: Nietzsche and Kant both suggest that the self is void of meaning...

man: It's a left down here.

man 2: Wait a minute, is that a gypsy?

(tires screeching)

I mean, is it right?

£500,000 for my bathroom?

Over £2,000,000 for my unmade bed.

I mean, I just feel like a bit of a fraud sometimes.

Are you crazy?

This is worth like 50 grand at least!

man on P.A.: Attention passengers, this will be my last flight.

I just found out that my book on passports has been turned into a movie by Universal Studios!

It will be starring Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.

man: Oh, no.

I worked in the newsagent.

I worked in the family restaurant.

I'm better than that.

I mean, how long do I have to wait before I get a real opportunity?

Well, for now, you're going to have to be patient, too.

Have you got a table for one, please?

Oh, my God. This is a sign.

Read it.

(lock clicking)

(zipper unzips)

Fantastic.

I so rarely read nonfiction.

Oh, no! It's tomorrow already.

I missed the flight.

(silencer squeaking)

Rev. Goody: Welcome, Todd.

Now don't get up, sleepyhead.

I just want to take you through the morning's itinerary.

Am I dead?

No, it's only 11:00.

Hidey-ho, buddy.

Brent?

But I killed myself.

I know.

You actually were officially dead for five minutes.

Luckily for us, all that Thunder Muscle you drank helped kick-start your heart.

And lo, did the tonic of exuberance fulfill its purpose.

(alarm blaring)

Oh, that's lunch, everyone.

So what'd you do to get in this place?

Oh, what do you think the £42,000 was about?

Oh, right.

What did I do to get in here?

Todd, you want a pank?

Jesus, Brent, right here?

Well, yeah, I can't eat the whole thing myself.

Wait, what's a "pank" again?

A pank is slightly more than half a pancake, Todd.

Everybody knows that. (chuckling)

Oh, I thought it was a poo and a wank.

And through protestation did the Catalyst...

(crowd ohing)

What?

What about a Catalyst?

(crowd ohing)

The Catalyst.

(crowd ohing)

It is all right, everyone.

This is how the Catalyst learns of his true calling.

Todd, gentle soul, the dream, your dream.

It has been dreamt.

And now you're finding it's all coming true, no?

Wh...

How do you know about that? It has been foretold.

It is being foretold as we speak.

Thus did the right Reverend Goody ease the concerns of the Catalyst.

I'm not a Catalyst, all right?

Todd, the Catalyst.

You're the one who pushes the button, thus igniting the fire that alters the course of the comet getting the Earth close enough to allow us passage to heaven.

You guys are f*ckin' nuts.

(crowd murmuring)

There will be no more swearing.

Is that understood, Todd?

And what is it with you people and the no swearing thing?

Simple... When the book is complete, we want our story to be made into a television show.

Now, if there's too much swearing on it, we'll never get it on the air.

Okay, even if what you say about all the pushing the button stuff is true...

And, yes, in the dream, I push a button and there's, you know, igniting fire and I destroy the world...

But when that happens, I'm in North Korea.

So...

I'm in North Korea, aren't I?

Todd, while you were dying, I ran out for a quick wanoo, and suddenly I realized that you had revealed the jumping off point when you left me this message.

(phone beeps)

Todd (on voice mail): Brent Wilts, Todd Margaret.

That's right, I'm in London, the last place on Earth I want to be.

Well, North Korea's the last place on Earth I want to be, but listen, shitbucket...

Ah, fudge! I gotta break outta here.

Todd, if you wish, you can just check out.

You can just check out of the Pyongyang correctional facility?

This isn't prison.

This is the best hotel in North Korea.

Nothing but the best for the Phantasos Comet Friends.

Let him go. Let him go.

The Catalyst is fulfilling his destiny.

Rev. Goody: There is nothing the Catalyst can do to change this.

The airport, please.

All this has happened before and shall happen again.

The Catalyst has now set in motion all that shall remain.

He shall struggle to be heard.

Airport.

(speaking Korean)

Push the button?

Rev. Goody: He will find that his journey will be thwarted, barriers will arise, and he will find himself amongst the very people he must destroy.

(no audio)

This is now and always was in his nature.

In the cloak of the mighty, with Nahm Koonlang and Vong Kuh Sakoong by his side...

(speaking Korean)

Airport?

This the airport?

Aye.

(Rev. Goody continues speaking Korean)

This is the airport?

(Rev. Goody continues speaking Korean)

The airport? Airport?

(Rev. Goody continues speaking Korean)

The airport?

This isn't the airport, is it?

This isn't the airport.

This is not... this is not the airport.

(speaks Korean)

(Rev. Goody continues speaking Korean)

(Rev. Goody's voice fades)

(alarm blaring)

I'm not so sure this is such a good idea, guys.

(cheering and applause)

(speaking Korean)

(speaking Korean)

Rev. Goody: The dream, your dream.

(phone ringing)

Answer your telephone.

(phone continues ringing)

Answer your telephone.

(forced chuckling)

Huh?

Jesus, do I have to do everything myself?

Todd, my date's here, you need to go.

I have to do everything myself.

Serious déjà vu.

(phone continues ringing)

(baby crying)

(Todd groaning)

Hello?