01x00 - Pilot

Hey.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

No.

I need to see you.

Look, I know it's late, or early, depending on your perspective.

It's just that my car drove me over here.

I told her not to.

But you know how pushy foreign cars can be.

Look, babe, I... I know I haven't called you in a minute, but I need to see you. I need to come inside.

I got to get on the other side.

Can you let me in?

Hold on.

You're not calling the police, are you?

Please, god, if he's mine, just give me a sign.

Get me...

Go to the bathroom, go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom!

Thank you.

It's not funny.

Yeah, it is.

I'm sorry.

Whew.

Look...

Look, don't say "look."

I mean, you know, I'm drunk, but I had to do something so I could tell you what I needed to tell you.

I love you.

Don't say that.

I... love... you.

Let me, um... let me go get you some sparkling water for your stomach.

It will settle it down.

Ahh!

Get out!

Ah!

Get out.

Get out of my house.

You are a freaking liar.

And you let me kiss you and vomit on your... ahh!

But I said I love you.

You kiss my ass, kiss my ass!

Are you crazy?

How do you forget about a wife?

You stupid idiot!

Get out, get out!

Get out.

I can't drive home.

I'm drunk.

You know what, good.

There's a tree right down the street.

Why don't you hit it?

What am I gonna do without my shoe?

The Zimbabwean women have been accused of raping men and stealing their semen.

One victim claims that he was hitchhiking, and a carful of women picked him up.

The women have been charged on 17 counts of aggravated indecent assault, as Zimbabwean law does not recognize the act of a woman raping.

I'm Barry Phillips reporting for NPR.

Oh my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, please don't let him be dead.

Please don't let him be dead.

I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it.

Oh, god.

Mary Jane Paul.

Yeah.

O-M-G, Mary Jane Paul.

I know you probably get this all the time, but, could I get a picture with you?

My wife watches you every day.

Oh.

Sir, you were just in an accident.

Just a quick one?

Okay, fine, but I want one too.

Smile, Mary Jane.

Hey, mom, hey...

You know, I'm losing you.

Yeah, if I lose you, I'll call you right back.

Did you hear me?

He brought a fast-tail gal in my house.

Now, he can't pay a bill or even buy a loaf of bread.

But he has the nerve to screw some tramp in my house.

I'm telling you, in my house.

Mom... oh, God, I'm on the elevator.

I'm losing you.

You know what, if we break up, I... what?

I can't hear you.

I'll call you back, bye, mom, love you.

I can hear you.

Hey.

They're almost done.

Oh, good, there's still time.

Here you go.

I will call you back, mom.

Thanks.

Hi.

Hey.

How's your mom, is she feeling better?

Fine.

Yeah, no, she's... she's good.

That was her on the phone.

You can call her back.

No, no, no, no, she's fine, she's fine.

So, where were we?

We're done.

Great job, Kara.

Thank you.

Can you get Mary Jane all caught up?

Of course.

I love, love the African women story.

I can't wait to see what you do with it tomorrow.

Okay.

Great.

Bye-bye.

So did you sell it, or did they sell you on the rapee African story?

Hey, not fair.

I pitched my ass off.

I had my visual aids and everything.

I know how important that story is to you.

And where were you?

Are you okay?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

They think it's a blog story.

It's five days out.

Exactly, MJ, it's old.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, here's how we angle it.

Black women aren't ugly.

We're invisible.

I get quotes from Ralph Ellison.

Oh, Ralph Ellison.

Wow, set the DVR right after I look him up to see who the hell he is.

You know this is ridiculous.

No major magazine should be able to get away with this crap, and nobody even raises an eyebrow.

Look, I'm disgusted, too, but it's their network, and Greg's not gonna let you do the story.

No, no, no, we sold this show part news, part my platform.

Oh, that's funny, because up until now, I thought it was our platform.

I said "our."

Kara, I said "our."

Look, we could do more of your platform when your ratings go up.

Until then, I could use your suggestions on the rapee Africans.

Now, I got to go check on the show.

Fine, fine.

Your dress is undone.

See you later.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Your mom keeps calling.

Oh, I bet she does.

Hi, mom.

You didn't call me back.

You ignoring me like your father?

No, no, mom.

Did you take your medicine on time today?

That boy don't do anything on time.

Wasn't even born on time.

Hold on.

Checks the runners, fastball on the corner.

Strike one, a 91 mile-an hour...

What?

Patrick, can you please take mom a glass of water and her medicine upstairs now?

I already did.

No, you didn't.

What?

The pitcher is taking his time today, Jim.

Okay, so now that that's handled, do you want me to talk to Paul about the girls?

Can't I just vent?

Yeah, mom.

Look, I'm... I'm about to go on air, so I gotta go.

I know.

Don't wear that ugly orange lipstick you had on yesterday.

It was coral.

Oh, well, it's attacking your face.

And yes, I do want you to talk to Paul, but don't be hard on him.

Hey, mom?

Happy birthday.

Ain't nothing happy about it.

Bye.

Bye.

No, no, no, no.

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.

Stop it.

You can go anywhere for your news.

I appreciate that you come here first.

I'm Mark Bradley.

Have a great rest of your day.

See you on set.

Hey.

Hey, MJ.

Hey, chief.

See that game last night?

Sick, right? Yeah, it was a great game.

You see the game last night?

You okay?

Yep.

You get a chance to look over the stories?

Yep.

All right, good.

Well, you have a great show.

I'm looking forward to having a great show, too.

Thank you.

Ronnie, we need the "Talkback" bumper.

Mm.

Hey, you didn't call me back.

I know, I went to bed early.

Yeah, okay.

Spoiler alert: someone dies.

What?

Look, if you could DVR tonight, I got a window between 8:00 and 10:00.

Date.

Okay.

I like your tie.

Oh, thank you.

What's going on with your eyes?

20 seconds, everyone.

Nothing, nothing.

Nothing.

Break a leg.

All right, all right.

Mary Jane, to you in ten.

Kara, you there?

Always.

Settle, please.

All right, guys and girls, show time.

Five, four, three, two, one.

I'm Mary Jane Paul.

Welcome to "Talkback".

♪ Happy birthday to ya ♪
♪ Happy birthday to ya ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ Happy birthday to ya ♪
♪ Happy birthday to ya ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪

All right.

Make a wish, mom.

Mom.

Mom, are you all right?

Breathe.

Just breathe, mom, just breathe, okay?

Put this on.

Put this on, mom, mom, breathe.

No, just put out this inferno and cut up the cake, and get on out of here.

Mom, put this on, come on, come on.

Relax, mom, just relax.

Slow, slow, mom, slow.

Mm.

Breathe, mom.

Don't you see I'm dealing with it?

See, she's doing better?

Just back up.

Here, Patrick.

Slow, slow breaths, slow breaths, slow breaths.

It's okay, baby.

She's gonna be okay, dad.

I just...

I just wish she'd go on and die.

You don't mean that.

I know you don't.

Yes, I do.

I just wish that you'd know that kind of love one day.

I hope you all do.

Where's mom?

In the bed.

Oh, you got her up there that fast?

Yeah, how bout that?

Can we stop, please?

I didn't start it.

I love you.

I love you, Patrick.

Tell me you love me, tell me you love me.

Stop playin', girl.

Tell me you love me, tell me you love me.

Get off me.

Hey, look.

Let me get 500 from you.

If you guys need me to help you with the budget, I can...

No, I need you to help me with $500.

Patrick, you guys stay here for free.

I mean, you and Tracy eat for free.

You don't have to bring me in this.

What happens to the money that I got the state to pay you to take care of mom?

I mean, where does that money go, Patrick?

Get out my face with that, okay?

I should get half, considering I still gotta come over here and do everything anyway.

Who got her breathing again, huh?

She wouldn't have the coughing fit if you gave her her medicine on time.

I don't need a lecture.

I just asked you for a favor.

Wow.

For the record, he gives her everything on time.

Bitch.

Whew.

Here.

Wow.

You guys couldn't wait till I got off?

You know this might be her last birthday.

Might not.

Was she happy?

Right.

So you want to talk about that girl you had over to the house last night?

I didn't have a girl over at the...

It was her only rule when she let you move back in.

Yeah, I know.

I gotta get up out of there.

And twirling a sign and selling weed ain't gonna cut it.

See, I knew I shouldn't have sold to your friends.

But FYI, they're my best customers.

Paul.

Pauletta.

Don't call me that.

I'm not calling you by that stupid name you made up.

Matter of fact, why don't you keep my secrets, and I keep yours?

Hey, roll to the Pitch & Putt.

I gotta get mom a card.

I already put your name on a gift.

Yeah, but I brought a chick home, so I gotta put in extra.

Come on.

Okay, thanks.

How you doing?

Call me back, MJ.

This is the fifth message I've left you.

We need to talk.

I love you.

Call me back, please...

Appreciate that.

Booyah.

Really?

What?

Look, I thought it was a great complement to the incense I got her.

What, so she can choke?

I got a few of those on my phone, too.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Who are you avoiding, David?

Or is David "Never Answer #1"?

Why do you always bring him up?

Look, you may be over him, but come on, dude had season tickets to the Hawks.

Ahh.

What?

Hey, look.

Every time I think about him busting you going through his phone.

Shut up.

Come on, come on, come on, it was classic.

I mean, you were all in his bathroom, copying pictures, reading his text messages.

He outside running around looking for his phone, and then he asked you if you had it, and you were like, "nope," and then, beep-beep, beep-beep.

"David, Apple has found your iPhone, and it's in the hands of your lying-ass girl."

Shut up, shut up.

I swear I tell that story at least once a day.

It was the lowest point of my life.

You know, one day you're gonna actually believe that you're the baddest chick in the game, like you purport to be, and your life is only gonna get better.

You watch.

Eat your cake.

Unh.

Right.

This is good. - Yeah.

This is real good.

Yeah, enjoy it, 'cause it might be dinner too.

Why?

You know Patrick's got Tracy up over at the house.

Oh, hell.

That fool love them any way they come, as long as they big, huh?

My god, huge.

Hey, but they made a cute little girl, though.

You seen Daisha?

She gonna be tall and cute.

Yeah, it's not so cute when it's one more mouth to feed.

Hm, not happy about being an aunt again?

Wonder how long it was gonna take you to get to your soapbox.

What are you talking about?

Nothing, nothing.

No, no, what are you talking about?

Girl, girl, go, I don't know nothing.

I'm trying to eat my cake.

Animosity between me and Mike, and I just let it build up, and build up, and build up.

I can't believe I let myself get so angry.

Niecy, are you pregnant again?

Huh?

Hey, get out of here with that.

You ain't got to answer her.

Yes, yes, you do.

Cause eventually, there'll be a stroller, a little outfit, or a car to get around in that auntie here needs to buy.

Ain't that right, Niecy?

You trippin', what's the matter with you, huh?

What's the matter with me?

Are you kidding me?

You know what, I love you guys.

I really, really do, but there are too many damn kids in this family, and not enough people feeding them.

Hey, that's enough.

Seriously, who's got a job in this room?

Who's got a job, raise your hand, who has a job in this room? 'Letta.

Raise them high.

I said that's enough.

The kids can hear you.

Okay, tomorrow, I will... I'll take you to Dr. Hudson's office, and we'll get you checked out.

And in the meantime, no more soda, tuna sandwiches, aspirin, baths.

Um, I think you're gonna have to stop nursing.

So, Trevyon is just gonna have to drink regular milk like everybody else.

Okay?

So call me tomorrow.

I'm sorry, dad.

They think my parents' house is like a damn bed and breakfast.

So many frickin' mouths to feed, my parents can't even keep up on the damn house.

Pretty.

You know, we were raised the exact same, you know, little league, debutante balls, college.

I don't like those.

No?

No.

They do suck, right?

They do, your ankles are too big.

Sorry.

Take them off, let's go.

I mean, Paul Jr., look, I get it.

He's in college.

But freaking graduate already.

Well, it's like you said on your show a while back.

The middle class in America is now the ghetto.

It's the haves and the have-nots now.

Hello, and I need to have these.

Oh my God.

You can't tell me anything with these shoes.

Hello, I like those.

Ah.

Nice, right?

Oh, they're like magic.

Please ring these up before my conscience wakes up.

Uh, you deserve them.

Ooh, I do deserve them.

Yeah, you work hard for your money, girl.

I do work hard for my money.

Hello, and if you give it to Patrick, it'll just end up up his nose.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tonya, no.

I can say that.

You cannot say that.

Well, I just said it, so...

Hey, Kara.

So, what do you think about my guest for our rapee African story?

You got my email, right?

Yep.

Hold on.

Max!

Get in the shower, now.

Scott, please feed the dog.

Are you done?

Yes, I'm sorry.

Great, yeah, no, I like it, and I think it's gonna pair really well with our first segment.

Great.

Okay, so you read the first half of her book, and I'll read the second half.

And, honey, I can not go out tonight.

I'm so damn tired.

I'm already in my sweats.

So I'll just see you tomorrow, okay?

All right.

And the red purse?

I do like those, I do, I do, I do.

Sorry, we're closed.

Oh, please?

Five minutes, tops.

Should I let them in?

Yeah, I'm gonna let them in.

He spends a lot of money on his wife, and I want a new iPad.

Come on in.

Oh, she's coming, she's coming.

Let's go.

Come in, welcome.

You know what, baby, we'll come back.

Yeah, we'll come back, when do you open?

10:00 A.M.

We'll be here.

Bright and early.

All right, thank you.

You're welcome.

Isn't it a beautiful thing when you actually see it?

What?

Black love.

Whew.

It's possible, homey.

Yep.

Mm.

Call Mark.

Yeah, too late, I'm already getting ready for bed.

It's only 10:05.

Okay, so we can try this again tomorrow, right?

Okay, good night.

Boo.

Ah!

A woman raping a man in Zimbabwe is so rare, that crime is not even on the books.

So what can they be charged with?

Well, it's my understanding that in this case, the charge is aggravated sexual assault.

You're talking about a society in which they can't even grasp the judicial concept of a woman raping a man.

So, under those circumstances, they're gonna have a very difficult time prosecuting aggravated assault, sexual or otherwise.

See, in my opinion, they have a much better case if they just go with a simple charge of theft.

Well, how do you place a value on sperm?

I mean, it's not like she broke in and stole his flat-screen television.

In this case, the sperm is stolen to be used in a ritual, which is where the value will be coming from.

Basically, what compensation did the perpetrator receive, or expect to receive for their stolen goods?

Goods, good stuff.

Thank you.

Well, our next guest has already determined the value of sperm.

Here in the United States, it's an incredibly lucrative business.

Samantha Wynn is a "New York Times" best-selling author of Frozen Assets.

She's already raked in millions of dollars, vacation homes, and luxury cars.

Samantha, welcome to "Talkback".

Thank you, I'm so happy to be here.

People have called you a gold digger.

Yeah, I'm sure.

What do you call yourself?

A smart businesswoman.

Well, how does a woman dream up a business quite like this one?

I was taking a business class in college, and our professor said something, and this light bulb went off.

And what he said was, "If you want to be wealthy long-term, you have to find something that you're passionate about."

So I thought, well, what am I passionate about?

Rich men.

Oh, we're just getting started.

Stay tuned, we'll be right back with "Talkback with Mary Jane Paul".

And clear.

Way to go.

Way to go.

You're doing a great job. Thank you.

I love your candor answering my questions.

Mary Jane, excuse me.

Your brother Patrick is here.

He said it's very important.

We're out 1 minute 30.

If you'll excuse me.

Oh, sure.

What happened?

Huh?

What happened?

Oh, no, this isn't about mom.

She's fine.

Okay, well, what are you doing here?

I'm working.

Look, I just...

I just wanted to see if you could rethink that money situation.

One minute.

Seriously?

You come up here out of the blue saying it's an emergency.

I said "important"...

No, no, no.

You had me thinking mom was dead.

But what you really wanted was to ask me for some money?

Have you lost...

Mary Jane?

Mm-hmm?

Ready.

Have you lost your damn mind?

No, and don't ask me again.

This is my damn job.

Sorry about that.

All righty.

Sell some books.

Sell some books.

Put it up by your face.

All right.

She's squished in there.

But she looks good.

And you look to be about 32 weeks.

Yeah, that's what the clinic said.

32 weeks?

Like, eight months?

Um, I need to use the restroom.

Oh, good.

Put half of it in this cup for me.

Okay.

Eight months, and you didn't know she was pregnant?

I thought she was just fat.

God, they eat 24-7, and she wears those big t-shirts.

Oh, my... what am I gonna do?

You don't have to do anything, you heard her.

She's been getting prenatal care.

At a clinic.

That's what she can afford.

Turn your car around, 'cause I see where you're trying to go.

Of course she's gonna keep having babies if you keep taking care of them.

It's family.

Okay, babysit sometimes.

I do.

That only leads to dreams of me kidnapping them.

She and her sister have four kids between them.

Now, I did everything right.

And what do I have to show for being a good girl?

A wonderful career, beautiful house.

Mm-hmm.

Why are you trying to make me feel bad?

What?

If anything, I thought it'd be inspirational.

You're wrong, Auntie.

What are you gonna do, Niecy?

Go get a job.

Don't you want a life?

Can I tell you what I really want?

Yes, please.

To have my baby shower at your house.

Oh my God.

And for you to make your coconut cake, since we just had carrot at grandma's.

Are you serious?

Yes.

Oh my God.

I can't, I can't.

I don't want to talk about your baby shower, Niecy.

You see, I want to talk about you, and your life, and your plans, what you're good at.

Everybody can't be as beautiful and together as you are.

No, no, no, you don't get to use my success for the reason you can't get your life together.

Okay, Niecy, having babies cannot be your biggest achievement in life.

You want to know what I'm good at?

What?

s*x.

I even thought about the p0rn industry, but Trevyon gave me all these damn stretch marks.

What?

It's no big deal.

Yeah, yeah, p0rn is still a huge deal.

Huge.

So much so, I don't even have one of my witty comebacks.

I am so freakin' shocked.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, look at Kim Kardashian.

She started off in p0rn, and she's making millions.

I don't think she meant to, okay?

Now who's being naive?

Is this a joke?

No.

Is this whole conversation a joke?

No.

But you want to know what's real funny?

Dante got another girl pregnant.

Oh my God.

Don't say nothing smart, Auntie.

Please don't say nothing smart.

There is nothing smart about this conversation.

And since she know I got his baby too, she's having her baby shower the same day as mines, even though she's only six months pregnant.

And I know he's gonna go to hers, 'cause it's, like, his real girlfriend.

His real girlfriend.

But I thought...

But if I had it at your house, you know, he'd come.

So can I please have my baby shower at your house?

Please?

What?

What are you doing?

Something even more stupid than you getting pregnant again.

Just, sit tight, I'll be right back.

That'll be $17.

I... hi.

I thought that was you.

You're Mary Jane Paul, right?

Yeah.

Oh, God, I love your show.

Oh my God.

That show yesterday, wow.

I mean, you go there, you know?

You really take it to unexpected places.

Oh, thanks.

No, thank you.

I mean, now that Oprah's not on anymore, you really give me something to look forward to in the middle of my day.

You're just, you're great.

That's great.

Did you know that me and your husband have been sleeping together?

Couple times a week for the last few months?

I'm... I'm sorry, but I am so tired of him getting away with this, and causing you to live a lie, and me to cry.

He has known the truth, and now I know the truth, and I just... I just thought you should know the truth.

Um... what, uh... what was your goal here?

For you to know the truth.

Okay.

And now that I know, what do you want me to do with that information?

Um, I don't know?

I...

It's up to you to figure that out, I guess.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, do you mind, helping me figure it out?

You thought it was so important that I know, perhaps you'll find it equally important to help me figure out if I should keep the father of my two children, who I'm madly in love with.

I'm just so tired.

You're tired.

I'm here trying to figure out what kind of kitty litter to buy, because my girlfriend found out three days ago that her husband is leaving her for his 28-year-old assistant.

She hasn't slept.

The kids don't know why they can't come home, and the cat has nowhere else to defecate. So, thank you.

But I think I'll keep him, and count my blessings your news wasn't worse.

Do you have any diseases I need to know about?

No.

No, um... we always use condoms.

You can go.

Alright.

No, no, let's just keep it simple.

I just want a Brazilian.

Thanks, Mara, bye.

Well, who are you getting all cleaned up for?

John called.

Really?

Yes.

In a very sincere tone, he wants to talk.

I think he wants to get back together.

I don't know, maybe not, but it's just in case.

Okay.

Why are you looking like that?

It's been five months.

I went nine months once.

I get it.

Yeah, so did I when I was married.

I mean...

Hey, did you see the ratings from last night?

Yeah. Great, right?

We did great numbers, yep.

Yeah, great numbers.

Mm-hmm.

So go upstairs and get me my ugly black woman story.

MJ, you need to let that go.

Nobody cares about that story...

I care about that story.

I have a niece that wants to do p0rn.

p0rn.

I can't help you with that, girl.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

MJ, wait a minute.

Somebody's got to have some balls.

Stop for a minute, wait a minute.

You need to calm down, we have to...

Somebody's got to have balls in this relationship.

No, you're not gonna... wait.

Let's not talk about balls right now, okay?

We need to think this through, and this has to be approached very carefully.

You understand?

You know what?

This is a nonissue for you, because Latinas are celebrated.

No one's ever called a Latina ugly.

You know, I don't get you sometimes.

One minute, you don't want all the black stories, and the next minute, you want to play the race card.

I'm not trying to play the race card.

This is about responsibility.

I get that.

Truly, I get that.

But if you march up there right now, you are just gonna be another angry black woman fighting for a story that's been dead for seven days.

And this network, you and I, we can't afford to look like a joke, because we're already in fifth place in a race that only has five networks, MJ.

Remember, this isn't the end game.

You and I promised each other nightly news.

And I've already uprooted my family and lost a husband trying to get there.

Okay.

What?

H... hey.

Girl, it's your aunt.

I'm sorry.

I know.

Look, so I just made a cake that feeds 30.

Auntie, what?

Thank you, thank you so much.

30, Niecy, that's it, I'm serious.

I know, I know, I know.

You just always come through for me.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And, Auntie, I'm really sorry you're just now finding out.

I was so scared to tell you.

Oh, hey, babe, I gotta go, okay?

Kay, call me back. I love you.

Love you too, bye.

TV time with Mark.

What do you want, Tyler?

You know, I haven't decided yet.

Money would be nice.

Call Mark.

Stay by your phone.

Oh, and if you do anything rash...

Hello.

Yeah, yeah, I'm watching.

Ah, look who's on time?

Goodbye.

Help me.

Shut up, oh my God!

Oh my God.

Finish watching the opening credits and call me back, 'cause I gotta go to the bathroom.

Okay, okay.

No, no, no, no, slow down.

Stop, stop.

I've been waiting for the right moment to let you know.

You're doing all right, mom.

I know this is new for both of us, but so far so good.

You don't always get it right on the first try, but you're learning.

You pick up my sock every time I drop it.

That never gets old.

And you scrub behind my ears.

How do you know?

And your bedtime stories blow me away.

Yo, it is crazy.

Didn't I tell you, it's crazy, right?

Can I come over?

I'm so tired of all my misfires with guys.

Mm-hmm.

I don't want to be a cliché.

You know, I want to be the exception to the rule.

I know.

'Cause you know, I am the exception to the rule in every aspect of my life.

Except that.

Mm.

I guess I just kind of feel like I'm...

I'm running out of time.

Well, Miss Mary Jane, you know, finding someone to love you, can't put him in your little calendar.

Hm.

That's why it's special.

You okay, lady?

Oh.

Better.

Hey.

Hey to you.

Hi.

I got wine on the way, if you need more.

No, I'm gonna go.

Oh, no, come on.

Nah.

Yeah?

I'm gonna go.

All right, well, you need a ride?

No, I'm gonna walk.

My gosh, all right, let me walk you out.

Good night.

Good night, baby.

Farmers market Sunday.

Yes.

I can remember being in the bathtub asking my mom to put bleach in the water so that my skin would be lighter and so that I could escape the feelings that I had about not being as beautiful, as acceptable, as loveable.

And we're all just hanging around, and a dark-skinned girl will pass by.

It'll be, "Oh, well, she's pretty for a dark-skinned girl."

And I'm like, "What is that supposed to mean?"

I used to wish that I can wake up one day lighter, or wash my face and think that it would change.

I thought it was dirt.

Comfy shoes, too much, baby.

Who has shoes?

Tish has got some shoes.

Yes!

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm getting some ass in these.

Okay.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Finally eating, girl.

Ask me what I'm doing.

What are you doing?

Going out to dinner with David.

It's almost midnight.

You do know this is a booty call, right?

Yes.

Did you m*st*rb*t*?

Yes.

Twice, girl.

Good girl.

Now you can talk to him with a clear head.

And hopefully, you won't give him any.

Did you give John some?

Turd waits till we're divorced to help the boys with their homework.

Was it that sexy?

You'll see one day.

Will I?

Oh, sad Susie, stop it.

Be happy we live in a time where men take little blue pills and women can freeze their eggs.

So are you guys getting back together?

No.

He wanted to talk about some tax stuff.

Looks like we're gonna take a bigger hit than we expected.

But you can hear about my problems tomorrow.

You go to dinner with David.

All right, bye.

Good night.

Call "Never Answer."

Dialing "Never Answer."

Hello?

Hey, um...

You know, there's not enough chicken and waffles I could order to make this something that it isn't.

And, you know, we're... we're grown, so how about we let a booty call be a booty call, and dinner be, I don't know, some thought and planning and at least a day's notice.

Okay, Mary Jane.

Good night, David.

Good night.

Oh my God.

Oh my gosh.

Auntie, thank you so much.

It's exactly what I wanted.

Thank you.

Everybody, give it up for my auntie, she hooked me up.

Oh my gosh, let's see.

Dante, yo.

Hey, super sperm.

Yeah, what?

Please tell me there's a job somewhere in the middle of all this unprotected s*x.

Look, I love Niecy, and I'm gonna be there for our baby, so just relax.

How much does love pay, exactly?

You can come in.

I'll wait.

Here.

No, I'm good.

Just take it.

Daddy, look what I got.

It's the stroller we talked about.

Auntie really hooked me up.

Yeah.

That's nice, baby.

I don't need it anymore.

What do you want?

I'm sorry.

You gotta open the door, I can't hear you.

What do you want?

Yeah, yeah, again, I...

I can't hear you.

You gotta open the door.

So, I was thinking about what you said the other night, about us being grown and how we should just let things be what they are.

I was wondering if you might be up for some consensual s*x.

Oh, and snacks.

It's good to see you.

Good to see you.

Say, brother, a booty call means you take your ass home.

All right, all right, I'm going, I'm going.

I feel so used.

Right.

Hey.

Huh?

What kind of detergent you use?

I've been trying to find it since...

It's my own mix, you're not gonna be able to find it.

Oh, secrets.

Um...

I'm also having trouble finding...

Yeah, no, I, uh, I took care of it.

Oh.

All right, cool.

Yep.

He made me so many promises, and I hung in there, waiting for him to marry me so we could start our family, you know, the way you're supposed to.

And although I held onto the hope of one day being married, I was running out of time to have the children I've always wanted.

So you stole the sperm.

When we broke up, he took the TV and seven great years of my life.

I took the sperm.

Well, I don't know if stealing semen is an epidemic, but it's certainly a sign of our changing times.

As Deepak Chopra said, "All great changes are preceded by chaos."

I'm Mary Jane Paul. Thanks for listening.