01x02 - Girls Night In

Niecey, are you pregnant again?

Look, I love Niecey.

I want to be there for our baby.

Your show hasn't worked out as well as we'd hoped.

We'd like to know if you'd consider consulting on Mark's show.

Mom, put this on, come on, come on.

I just wish she'd go on and die.

Did you know that me and your husband have been sleeping together?

Does he love you?

He says he does.

I was wondering if you might be up for some consensual s*x.

Well, I don't know if stealing semen is an epidemic, but it is certainly a sign of our changing times.

You wanted to talk?

Absolutely, come in.


You know, some of our best moments, were our weekend getaways, right here.

We'd sleep in and watch movies and order room service and...

I know, I know...

I know what we did, Dre.

What do you want?

'Cause every second that I'm standing here just reminds me of how desperate I am to be sleeping with another woman's husband.

So what do you want?

For you to marry me.

I love you.

We just screwed in the gym... that's not love!

Why isn't it?

Why not?

Because it's not!

Look, I was gonna tell you everything... I was!

You know, when I...

When I drove over to your house and I was drunk.

Look, Mary Jane, I got juiced up so I could tell you... that this was in the car.

And I swear on my mother's grave... that I was gonna tell you everything, Mary Jane.

I just wanted to make sure, I needed to tell me you'd be cool with... with, with, you know, her and my kids...

I can't do this.

I can't.

You're playing a game with yourself.

Look, I tried to pray you away.

I tried.

I mean, you know.

But you're hard to pray away!

Two words kept coming to me.

Suffering and surrender.

We're not put on this earth to suffer, so we need to surrender.


If you have me, just say you have me.

All you do is make me cry.

I have to tell her something.

I'm going home today and I have to tell Avery something.

I need to tell her something.

... Ne me quitte pas

All men don't cheat, although I think there's a higher rate of it than is ever reported.

Yes, it's true that nature has designed us to procreate...

The Word tells us that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved...

Hey, baby.

Hey, Dad.

I haven't seen Goldie in a while.


How you doing?

I'm all right.

You wanna race?

Come on, that's a hybrid.

Way to wiggle out of getting beat.

You and Mom going for a drive?

Well, that was the plan.

She'll come around.

No, she won't.

But hey, I'd hate to waste a good car washing.

We haven't had a daddy-daughter date in a while.

That's right, we haven't.

All right, it's a date, I'll set it up.

No, no, I'll set it up.

All right.


What are you doing here?

Niecey, don't tell me you forgot your appointment with Dr. Hudson, who charges if you're late, so, let's go.

You didn't get my text?

I don't have time for this.

Go put on one of your funny hats and let's go.

No, for real, I texted you that Dante wants to take me, so I moved the appointment.

That's just great, Niecey.

I could have worked out and saved the gas.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, baby.

A simple apology for forgetting to tell her works too, you know.

Today we are talking immigration.

This time surrounding Pulitzer prize-winning journalist turned activist Jose Antonio Vargas's push for the media to reject the term "illegal immigrant."



I'm in the back.

...Addressing immigration reform is something that requires boldness.

He's taking on "The New York Times" and the AP...

How was your trip?

It was fun.

You closed the deal?

I closed the deal.

Well, good.

'Cause we are now the proud sponsors of the dunk booth at Hunter's school fair.

I thought we just wrote that school a check for $10,000.

Yes, but that was annual giving.

Oh, and Monday, you need to go to Sophia's kindergarten class to read.

I would suggest "Sugarplum Ballerinas."

We picked the book out already.


Um, Avery, I think we should sit down and talk.

Do you remember Jill?


The tax attorney from my old firm?

Used to flirt with you all the time.

Oh, yeah.


She found out her husband was cheating on her.

And here's the kicker.

She's not leaving him.

After getting drunk and having s*x with her trainer, she goes back to him.

Tells him that she gets it, she works a lot, she wants to salvage their marriage.

There's just one condition.

She drew up a post-nup stating that if he ever cheats again, she gets the house and the kids and he has to pay a crazy amount in alimony.

And he signed it!


Here's your paperwork.

It's just a lot of words to say that I will get both houses, my alimony, 75% of your interest in your marketing firm.

Oh, and of course, full custody of the kids.

Please sign and initial on the marked pages.

No matter what goes down between me and you, there will never be a day when you can threaten to take my kids.

Oh, my God.

You do love her.

It is not a crime.

It is not illegal to be here without the proper documentation.

What is the real issue?

Illegal is a label.

We gotta get past labels.

What are you, just a jaywalker?

Just a draft dodger?

A homewrecker?

That's not what we are.

We are multi-dimensional human beings and we shouldn't just be labeled by words that society has to stick on us for one reason or another...

He's not coming.

Oh, he's coming.

He wants to hear her heartbeat.

He's not coming.

Would you stop saying that?

I told you and your sister these boys will say a lot to get in your pants.

Some have parents that'll make 'em do the right thing.

But this little punk-ass so busy trying to prove he's black, he goes around having babies 'cause he thinks that's what black men do.

He's coming.



Hola, Carlos.


No, no.

Look up the DREAM act.

If you're undocumented, in college and under 30...

I'm 33.

What... what kind of moisturizer do you use?



Hey! What are you doing here?

I got the mayor today.

He's going to be on Cynthia's show.


Before you say it, he wants to do your show too, but you... too controversial.

This is a reelection year.

And if he comes on my show, he'll get reelected.

Look, I didn't come to talk about that.

I was running my mouth and told Tamiko Roberts about our girls gone wild night.

Thank you... can't live without this...

So Tamiko's in town.


Hmm... what?

When I was fired, I was overjoyed that another black woman got my job.


Well, I am now.



You know what?

No, I'm glad you told her to come.

I miss her.

Be nice to catch up.

Catch up?

Girl, I'm trying to cut up.

I can't be perfect all the time.

You are a hot mess.

Girl, I'm trying to let this weave breathe... Hey!

Good to see you.

Look, put your game face on, okay?


See you later.



So my nanny called and she loved our legal segment.

She's calling all her friends, taking all the credit for it.

Isn't that funny?

Oh... what about the Sheltons?

They made it!

Isn't that great news?


Look, I know you don't like me or want me to work with Mark, but like I already told you, I really don't have a choice.

I don't!

Listen, I just want this whole thing to go away.

Now I know why contracts are marked in red.

It represents the blood that's been shed.

I just never thought it would be my own.

Why are you talking like a damn mystery movie?

What are you talking about?

I went to Greg to fight for you to not do Mark's show, only to find out that you'd already stabbed me in the back and used my blood to ink your new deal!

You went to Greg?

Why would you do that?

Why wouldn't I do that?

It is for the best interest of our show.

Mary Jane, I'm still producing our show!

Right, right... we may be in the same boat, but clearly you're the only one wearing a lifejacket.

You know what, I knew you'd react this way, man.

I really did because you don't go to "Reason".

You always go to "Mad".

And I am sick and tired of you always jumping to the "Angry Black Woman" of it all.

I didn't say that.

But you do.

You imply it every time you put me in a position to be angry.

Oh, my goodness.

And while we're on the topic of angry black women, let me be very clear.

When you're messing with my money, I'm not angry.

I'm pissed!

One minute to air.

Clear set, please.

Hi, Dad.

Hey, baby.

You look wonderful.

Thank you.


Thank you for being a reminder.


What do you say we get you a drink?


Thomas, the lady will have a ginger margarita and please make sure the ginger is fresh and I'll have my usual.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

You remember when you used to let me order Shirley Temples?

Do I ever...

I miss those days.

So, did you get Mom to take that drive?

No, no.

There are days when I think I might be getting her back and then it's like she's been gone for 20 years and I'm waiting for her to come home.

You're patient.


No, no, no.

I'm married!

You know, it's funny.

When you hear people talk about marriage, it's always about the suffering and the sacrifices.

I'm not sure why we're all rushing to get there.

Well, you see, it's all the little things that we often forget about and couldn't live without if they came up missing.

Would you marry her all over again?

In a heartbeat.

You know what?

I can't wait for the guy who wants to marry you to call me up and ask for your hand in marriage.

I'm gonna give him such a hard time.

So you really think it would be that traditional?

It better!

You are my little girl and you deserve the best.





I thought that was you, Paul.

Well, how are you?

Oh, please, please... sit.

I don't want to interrupt anything, but I did want to stop by and say hi.

Good to see you.

And Pauletta.

It's great to see you again, Mrs. Stepford.

Oh, honey, you're older now and I'm divorced.

Just Kathryn.


So how's Helen?


Well, she's not doing too well.

Well, look, I should have been over to see her long ago.

But if you'll have me, I'd love to come by and see her.

Fine, drop by any time.

House still the same?

Still the same.

Well, then.

Expect to see me.

Look forward to it.

Enjoy your dinner, please.

Bye bye, Kathryn.

Bye bye, Kathryn.

You know she wants to do nasty things to you, right, Dad?

Well, I think we should tell her to get in line.

Wrong answer!


Perfect timing, thank you.

"The woman who catches a man's eye earns a purse.

"The woman who captures his heart earns his world."

...Bottom line: She should have told me.

Yes, okay, she should have told you.

See, the sad thing is that Kara may be my only lifeline to saving my show.

And keep me happy 'cause I'm so high-maintenance.


Don't you have a style blog or something to go...

Is that the gayest excuse you can come up with to get me to leave?

See you later.


Oh, boy.

Seriously, Mark, seriously.


Is your show in that much trouble?

Yeah, it is.

That's the news, I guess, huh?

Whoa... hold up.


That's a nice wedding band.


I don't think I've ever noticed you wear it before.

What do you mean?

I put it on every Friday night.




Have you ever forgotten to take if off before you come back to work?

Ooh, no... no, no. Don't forget to take it off.

You know, I don't know.

Maybe Georgia will pass a gay marriage law and then I'll have a chance to feel what it feels like to wear it like my parents.

"Bee-beh," this is the South!

You laugh, but you and the rainbow team are more likely to get married before me.

Which I'm starting to embrace.

I don't think I want to get married.

It may not be for me.

Maybe marriage is just something I say I want because I'm supposed to say it.

You know?

Like I'm a damn trained seal.

Just give... me... marriage!

Ar ar ar!

I want marriage!

You have clearly had one too many of these, so we'll put this here.

Hey... There are my girls!

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.

Hi, hi, hi.

Where is everybody?

My dad's cooking.

Grandma's upstairs.

Grandpa's golfing.

Oh, and where's your sister?

She's upstairs crying.

Really... why?

Her boyfriend didn't take her to the doctor.




So what happened?

I heard from your youngest daughter that your middle daughter missed her appointment for your granddaughter.

Very funny.

Dante never showed up yesterday.

My God, you guys, Lisa did us a favor by taking her as a patient.

I took her to the appointment.

Why didn't you just say that?

I was trying to express to you that your niece had a rough day.

Her heart is broken, in case you want to talk to her.

What are you making?


We got company.


Some friend of Mom's.

She's in the living room with Dad waiting on Mom to come down.

You are still the same.

Hey, baby.

Oh, hi.

You remember Kathryn...

Yeah, from last night... so soon to visit!

Oh, I'm a woman of action, dare I say, like you.


The kids thought you were golfing.

I don't know why...

I've been back a while.

Maybe because you're tucked away back here.

So how's your show?


Kathryn, darling.

How are you?

Long time, no see, Helen.

Well, that's how it works when you don't want to be seen.

I miss that sense of humor of yours.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

This means a lot that you stopped by.

Forgive the house...

I think I'll go see her through this.





Don't irritate your brother.

Hey, Hunter... come on, man.

Pick your bag up.


Hey, baby...


Get out of here!

Go! Go! Go!

Just get out of here!

Get out!

Get out!

I'm sure you didn't come up here for a beauty tip.

Would it kill you to go for a drive with Daddy?

It might.

You know, Kathryn didn't come over here with the best intentions.

What else is new?

They used to wait until you were dead.

Today's vultures smell blood before you even say, "I do."

They could never cultivate a man, so it's easier for them to just take someone else's.

You okay?

Mm-hmm, yeah, I caught a little chill.

Oh, please, don't tell me we so broke now we can't afford to pay for heat.


No speeches.

Hand me that photograph of me.

Not the one of the retirement.

The one with my legs out.


Oh, shake it, Miss Lucy.

Now, if the old me was to walk into a room with the you of today, all you could do is to hold my purse, baby.

Oh, but she didn't know that a disease was gonna take hold of her life.

She was just being promoted to high school principal and her man just bought his dream car.

Walked right into a dealership and paid cash.

Your father.

How he loved to see my legs pour out of that Porsche of his.

It's not the ride he loves.

It's all the stops he made, just to see me get out of his car.

Put it away.

Put this up for me, baby.


It's so good to see you.

My gosh.

You look so good.

Oh, stop stealing my words.

Look at you.

I'm really glad you could make it.

I'm really happy to be here.


Well, the other girls are inside.

Go join them.




What you want me to do with this?

Crack you over the head with it?


I screwed up.

I should have told you the whole truth, regardless of me having no choice.

You didn't have to find out from Greg that I took the position.

You deserve better than that.


Come on, I just Robert Downey Juniored the moment!

I copped to my wrongdoing.

You gotta look into my puppy dog eyes and you gotta forgive me.

I have kids that need a nanny, for crying out loud!

I'm sorry!


Thank you.

You're welcome.

You guys, it's the cops!

It's the cops!


What the hell?

Shh, you guys.

Why would the cops be here?

Um, something I could help you with, officer?

Finally got those kids down.

I think I should probably go to a hotel, Avery.

I remember when I first met you.

You were just this corny guy in sales who drove a raggedy Mercedes.

I built you.

You what?

No more raggedy car, huh?

No, I made you into somebody other women want.

Now, listen, that's bull...

What do I get in return?

So you're the real winner in all of this.

If we got divorced, then you'd have her.

Did you ever stop to think about me?

Who I'd get?

Hmm? Hmm?

Who is going to want me with two kids and a stomach full of stretch marks... who?

Lower your voice, okay...

The kids are sleeping.

Who is going to want this?

Who is gonna want this... look at this!

Who is going to want this?

You said they were beautiful.

They're not that beautiful when I'm trying to find my kids another daddy.

The kids have a daddy, okay?

Oh, that's mine... that's mine.

Okay, first you take my job, then you take my drink.


Here we go!

Hold on.

None of that, girl.

I'm just speaking the truth, just speaking the truth.

Mary Jane, do we need to have this out, mmm?

Have a pillow fight?

What do we need to do?

Give me your job at the "Today" show.


I meant to email you on that promotion.

And you getting married!

Show me your ring!

Oh, my gosh!

Look at that, you guys.


I see it way down here... it's huge.


Whose bag is this?

That's mine.

So pretty.

Where did you get all that yummy?


Oh, well, hey. Twist my arm, why don't you?

Just spill it.

He was 6'2".


And has exquisite taste.

You didn't tell us anything!

Come on!

And... he's married.

Oh, so you're a homewrecker.

You actually celebrate the destruction of families.

Actually, quite the opposite.

I believe I'm saving his marriage.


See, I'm not so much as "the other woman" as I am more of, how do you say, modern-day geisha.

And what do you get out of it?


I get showered with gifts and trips and sexy text messages all day.

Regular s*x.

I get to kick his butt out before morning and the best part is that he doesn't crowd my space or mess up my all white-on-white home dйcor.

It's a good life.

Oh, come on.

So I'm the only one who's had an affair with a married man?



Don't look at me!

So this is where we're at?

Where affairs are just chit chat at a party?

I'm sorry, Kara.


John had every right to cheat.

I was never home.

And Darryl will always remain devoted.

All right, I've had it up to here with all this affair talk.

Anybody else have any dirty laundry?

See, that's how you do.

You get us all over here and get us drunk so you can get all of it.

That's true!

That's a little truth.

Little truth.

You're welcome.

Lisa, you're up.

Spotlight's on you, boo.

Come on.

I didn't vote for Obama.



I'm that 1% that doesn't want to pay higher taxes!


Thank you!

Oh, you think you know people!


I bought weed from your brother and I smoked it in your bathroom!

Don't do that!

All y'all heifers been buying weed from my brother, stop.

Just say no.

What else you got?

Mama got laid last night.

It's Carlos, the intern.

Shut up.


And he's a Latino!

I know! I know!

I actually think I'm coming back to my people.

Coming back to the motherland, I see you.


Bet you can't top that, Tamiko.

I paid for my ring and I'm afraid it's gonna ruin my marriage.

I should have just taken the ring that he gave me, but no, I had to go out and buy this one.

I just can't believe I emasculated him like that and thought it would be okay.

I love him and I don't want to lose him.

It's hard out there, ladies.

When you find a good man, just be happy with the ring that he gives you.

News at 11.


Just tell him what you told us.

Everything's going to be okay.



You see, you're standing over there gaining five pounds to avoid opening your mouth.



But this party ain't over until we get some dirt on you.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Spill it...

you spill it.

Come on with it, waiting!

What is she doing?

What is she doing?

What are you doing?

What the hell is that?

David's sperm.


Oh! Ohh!

That's crazy.

That's really sperm?


And I am not proud of myself, but, hey, I did it.

And there's no point in being shame-faced about it now.

How did you get it?

We got to find you a man quick.

You are one bold chick, a'ight?

I mean, move over, Rachel Maddow and hello, Mary Jane Paul.

You're welcome.

I've always been mystified about how your mind works.

But I mean, to Mary Jane's beautiful mind.



Yes, yes.

Are we that out of touch?

Is our friendship so lopsided that you can help me, but you won't reach out to me when you do something so insanely desperate.

You smoke weed, saint.

Look, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to hear you say, "Wait for God to send you a man "so that you can then have a baby."

Then adopt.

Otherwise, that's just how it works, Mary Jane.

And it won't work anyway, because you froze it wrong.

I know.

Otherwise, my secret would have been I'm pregnant.

No, no, no.

Our problem is you think I'm something you dressed up that you can fit in your perfect little dollhouse.


For years I've been screaming at you for you to see me...

Don't blame me for your affair.

Come on.

It's her, isn't it?

Now, don't make no pit stops.

Go straight home!

You cannot make me the perfect doting husband who got the perfect career and whose cute kids got into private school.

So who are you?

Who am I?

I'm a husband who still comes on to my wife even when she's on her period.

Oh, God.

That's who I am.

That's what this is about?

This is about s*x.

Ah ha!

When was the last time you came on to me, huh?

When's the last time you came on to me?

When is the last time you came on to me?

It was our vacation in Anguilla.




You going to go back to your whore?

Get out of here!


Get out!

Look, I don't know what you're complaining about.

We have s*x all the time.

Ha... whose world?

When we have s*x, it's like you're doing me a favor.

It's still s*x.

No, it's not still s*x.


I have asked you for years to wake up and give me a hand.

Some people find it nice...

Andre, who wants to put a pen1s in their mouth first thing in the morning... who?

For years!


For what?


Is that hard?