01x08 - Uber Love

John had every right to cheat.

It's so hard.

I was never home.

Did you know that me and your husband have been sleeping together?

I love you, but I can't be in this relationship.

So that's it, we're done?

Is that David?

I'm seeing someone.

This party ain't over until we get some dirt on you.

What the hell is that?

David's sperm.

Oh!

Did you steal my sperm?

Did you steal my sperm?

Yeah, it's not a tough question.

Well, um...

It's in the baking soda.

Look, there is no excuse, you know?

No, there... there needs to be a pretty damn good excuse for this.

Look, who told you?

You pregnant?

No, well, who told you?

Are you pregnant?

No.

No.

Good.

Prove it.

Please.

Yeah, it's funny to you?

Let's go.

Wait... what are you... you're gonna make me pee on it?

Well, we've done freakier things.

Okay, look, I am not taking the test.

This is not funny.

Yeah, actually it is funny.

All right, look, let me tell you something.

I'm not leaving here until you take this test and we figure it out.

Okay, well, you should kick off your shoes and stay a while.

I'm gonna do what I was doing before you barged into my life, which is pouring a glass of wine.

Would you like one?

No, no.

I won't wanna glass of wine.

I wanna know about this.

I'ma pour you one 'cause you seem like you could use one.

Thanks for listening to Classical Music Atlanta.

I mean, look, I always knew you were crazy.

But I thought it was that good crazy that they talk about.

And now you're not so sure.

No, I'm... not.

Well, don't get your boxer briefs in a bunch, 'cause even if I did turkey baste myself, I can't get pregnant.

I froze it wrong.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

And this is supposed to make me feel better?

I'm trying to waylay your fears.

Yeah, but it doesn't explain to me why you were crazy enough to do it in the first place.

Stop calling me crazy.

Well, you are.

No, no-no-no.

Crazy is what men say when they want women to shut up.

And it's not working.

Clearly.

But, I mean, come on, of all the crazy things you've done, this...

Wait-wait-wait, no, no-no, what crazy things?

Uh, like when you put me out on I-75?

No, I called your bluff... that's what I did.

And if I recall, we had like the best makeup s*x ever afterwards.

Oh, wait, no, no.

That's when I flew home early and left you in Aspen.

What are you doing?

You know what I'm doing?

I'm being crazy.

I'm being the loveable, crazy bitch that you always loved.

This seems to be the easiest way to get you to see me.

Man, I didn't know what to do with you then, and I don't know what to do with you now.

Well, you know what?

I will take your little test.

Wait, hold on, hold on.

Sit.

I believe you.

I'm actually flattered.

What?

No, there you go, there you go.

Always, if I go left, you go right.

And there you go, always second guessing the things I say to you.

Why don't you ever believe what I say to you?

Don't you have someone to go home to?

Yes.

Well, it's been real.

Don't forget this.

Yeah, you might wanna hold onto that for your next heist.

And you know what, Mary Jane?

If you wanted a baby, all you had to do was ask.

Mary Jane, what the hell are you doing?

I finally figured it out.

Crazy lady!

What?

There has never been anybody but you.

Okay, don't just stand there.

Say something that makes me feel like less of a dumb-ass.

Say what?

Come on, don't do that.

Don't do what?

Look at you like a crazy person chasing me through the streets?

Stop saying that.

Okay, you know what?

You're right, I am crazy.

Because I'm the only one bold enough to say what we are both feeling.

I am in love with you, and I wanna just stop playing all the games and let's just move on with our lives, together.

We're too old for this, David.

Why now?

Why, 'cause I got somebody?

Why can't you just hear me?

Oh, I hear you...

I just don't believe you.

After everything we've been through?

You got a real selective memory, you know that?

I know that I've been punished and tested by you enough.

And yet, and still, I believe there's a chance for us.

I punished you?

Yes.

Yes.

I punished you.

You dumped me because you thought I wasn't gonna make it.

No, I broke up with you because you kept stringing me along.

Oh, and then when the website popped off and started attracting investors, where were you?

No-no, no-no, don't do that.

Don't do what... don't do what?

No-no, unh-unh, no, no.

It's the truth, isn't it?

No, the truth is, you invited me to dinner and said, "Oh, if it wasn't for you, Mary Jane..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right... you know what?

I did invite you to dinner... you know why?

Because I wanted to show you what you were letting go.

Well, I'm trying to be honest with you and you're trying to hurt me.

Well, we're airing it out, right?

Let's put it on the table.

When you were fired, I was there for you.

When you were down, I didn't bounce.

I was fired because I was too busy chasing after your ass!

Well, you didn't chase hard enough.

And you still left... didn't you?

Didn't you?

What was I supposed to do?

You were supposed to love me.

Look at you, all super-early, Miss Thang.

Couldn't sleep.

Blogs are blowing up over your Terrence Mitchell commentary.

Yeah?

High five!

At least something's going right in my life.

Uh-oh, what?

David found out I stole his sperm.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Why you looking at me like that?

It was just me, you, Lisa...

Oh, no-no, wait-wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I know blowing up Mark's little secret did not do much for my credibility, but I swear, I'm completely innocent in this.

I only know David through you.

I don't even talk to him.

Tamiko?

No, you guys just got reacquainted.

Besides, she's worried they're gonna tell everybody that she bought her own wedding ring, remember?

You don't think it was the stripper, do you?

You know who told him.

Why don't you just say it.

I can't deal with that kind of betrayal.

Well, girl, when you can, you know where to find her.

It's beautiful...

I love it.

What did you get out of it?

Excuse me.

What the hell is going on with you?

Oh, no, what's going on with you?

I mean, is your life so... miserable, you have to make sure everyone else's is?

Whoa-whoa-whoa, hold on.

Need I remind you that this song and dance is still my job?

I know you told David about the sperm.

Oh, girl, please, you've gotta be...

You know, honestly, I always loved when you would tell everybody's business.

I just...

I just never thought that one day you would tell mine.

Oh, hell, you've watched too many melodramas.

No, I thought you were my friend, Nichelle.

I haven't seen David since the night you called me to come pick you up when you went through his phone.

You know, this friendship is pretty much over.

I have no room for toxic people in my life.

How do you turn this around on me?

'Cause I get that you're shook, but I don't get the respect of you asking if I told him?

But it's my fault for even thinking I would get that, 'cause, hell, I can't even get you to come to my house after eight years of various invitations.

Because what I am to you is a non-threatening, big, jolly girl you call when you wanna have a good time and make you feel better about yourself.

That man had you stuck on stupid then, and he's got you twisted now.

Great speech, bang-up job.

I still know you did it.

Go to hell, Nichelle.

So, yeah, we're no longer friends, and I'm no longer a client.

You didn't do anything for my career, anyway.

She said, what?

Oh, yeah, she tried to flip it on me.

You know, all that talk about, "Oh, I'm a modern-day Geisha."

Uh, you're a modern-day ho.

Everybody know you're screwing the mayor.

I should break that story and see how her big ass likes that.

You know, I'm glad he knows.

I have paid for my sin and humiliation and now... it's over.

Where's the tequila?

Where it always been.

Thought you didn't like the hard stuff.

Usually I don't.

This moment calls for... a drink.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, oh.

You too.

Do another.

Unh-unh.

Okay, I don't ever need an excuse to drink but... where's this going?

Please?

Okay.

All right, now that we are officially a cliché, wanna tell me what's going on?

It was me.

The one that told David.

It slipped out.

I was trying to tell him to leave him alone, to stop torturing you, stop playing with your life and...

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up.

Where the hell do you think you're going?

I figured we were done.

You just blew up my life and you think you're gonna bail?

I don't know what else to do!

Well, you're not gonna yell at me, I'll tell you that much.

Why didn't you just tell me the minute it slipped out?

I thought about telling you.

I was scared I was gonna lose the only friend I got.

What?

What?

I totally cursed out Nichelle.

Oh, God!

It's 4-7-O-4.

Which is it, heifer?

4-7-O-4.

"O" is a letter in the alphabet.

4-7-0-4.

It's voice mail.

Shh, shh!

Hey, it's Nichelle, sorry I missed you.

She doesn't pick up blocked numbers.

Leave a message at the beep, thanks.

Hey, Nichelle, it's Mary Jane.

April Fool's Day, ha, I got you.

I'm just joking.

Seriously, Nichelle, I am on my period.

And I'm trippin', and it's bad and I really hope I'm not pre-menopausal.

Nichelle, it's me, um... MJ.

I'm back, um...

Girl, I know you would never betray me.

I know that, I do, and I'm so sorry.

I... I, you know, like you said, that man got me messed up in the head.

And you know how that go, you know?

But you, girl, you bounce back.

You lost that weight and now he's with the super girl.

He was too short for you, anyway.

You need someone taller.

And I'm sorry I never came to your house.

It's just...

I like my house.

I like it a lot.

You have a nice house.

I have a nice house.

But it's nothing against you or your house.

I'm sure your house is great.

Um, but we shouldn't throw away, you know, our friendship, everything we meant to each other all these years, you know, for some man's sperm, you know?

You know, no way I'd do that.

It's just sperm, so... call me and we'll hang.

Bye.

I'm pretty sure we're never gonna speak again.

Unh-unh.

Ha, he's home.

His car's in the driveway.

So are a lot of others.

Maybe it's not a good time.

Oh, no, unh-unh, don't get me all pumped-up just to try to pull me back.

Hit me.

You're right, my bad.

Go get your man.

Okay. Ha!

Hi.

Hey, um... is David here?

'Course, uh... did David invite you?

To what?

We're having a dinner party.

Oh, no.

Can you just get him for me, please?

Is everything okay?

Great.

Just need David.

This isn't gonna end well for you.

I'll take my chances.

Hmm.

Great article on Garcel, by the way.

Thanks.

Come in.

Hey.

No.

Now is not a good time.

What if I said I was dying?

You're not.

You don't know that.

Listen, I'll be right there, okay?

Can you check the steaks for me?

I just put 'em on the grill.

He likes his medium rare.

You come to my house?

Wait, no, no-no, no-no-no.

This was supposed to be my house, but you gave it to a white woman.

I gotta remind you, my mother's white.

Damn it, yeah...

I'm drunk.

I'm sorry, 'cause that was a very insensitive remark in our post-racial America.

Oh, you came to crack jokes?

No.

But are those watercress sandwiches?

It's... it's... it's kind of a cliché, David.

All right, crazy lady, what do you want?

Look, I know that every guy wants a ride-or-die chick, right?

They do.

I mean, it's like in almost every other rap song.

Ride-or-die, ride-or-die... look, that's me.

And no man wants his woman to leave him when he's low.

But I'm a ride-or-die chick.

Mary Jane, what are you talking about?

Okay, okay, remember when we broke up?

You were mad.

And then we started hanging out again.

Because I started making money.

You were punishing me, right?

Were we in the same relationship?

Look, look, okay.

Just at least admit it.

Just admit that you were punishing me, like I'm admitting right now that I was wrong in letting my girls believe that you were wasting my time.

Let's just get over it so we can get on with it.

Get on with what?

Mary Jane, I'm with someone.

That toothpick Barbie is a placeholder, okay?

Just like the guy I was with was a placeholder for you.

Oh, so you were sleeping with him?

Yes.

And now you wanna get back together although you're still telling me lies?

I was there for you, David.

I'm your ride-or-die.

Oh, yeah, you're back to your theme now.

Look, look, I... I...

I... I... I took you in and I shared my house with you and... so you could... you could pour yourself into launching your website.

I fed you, I did your laundry.

We exchanged ideas.

I never asked you to do any of that.

You didn't tell me to stop, either.

Why would I stop a woman from loving me?

Oh.

You know what?

What do I owe you?

How much do I owe you?

I don't want your money.

No, you're gonna take it, 'cause I used you, right?

I mean, that what you had your friends believing...

I used you.

You know what, I'm gonna share something with you you don't know.

I've always had money.

I'm not new to this.

What you saw was a man making moves so that he wouldn't have to live off of his parents' money.

And whether or not those moves were successful, I was gonna be good.

The problem is, you made your move too soon, and now you regret it.

That's it.

Okay, um...

I'm just gonna ask you one more question, and I'll go.

Would you have married me if I'd waited?

You already know the answer to that.

Why can't you just say it?

'Cause I don't wanna live in the past.

You know what?

It's no wonder that you are with a white woman because they are the only ones who would deal with your arrogant ass.

So, you know what?

Have your... your... your great little life, and... and your watercress sandwiches and... your light, bright day-glow babies.

Oh!

I'm a ride-or-die chick.

I blew it.

How could he deny "I only wanna hold your hand again"?

You didn't say it?

I didn't say it.

Why didn't you say it?

That was a good line.

I made up a good line.

I didn't say it, okay?

Leo, can we just go, please?

Please?

I actually have to wait for my car.

I ordered it while I was sitting in here.

Why?

I got called into work.

Unexpected delivery... twins.

You're joking... you're drunk.

I've been pretending for a while.

I hate to... coming to grips that I am a deceitful person.

I'm sorry.

I already called Kara, and Leo has her address.

I don't wanna go to Kara's.

You're going to Kara's, right, Leo?

She's going to Kara's.

I'll come by as soon as I get off.

And again, Mary Jane, I'm really sorry.

I was hoping my wrong could somehow become...

It's okay.

It's okay.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Oh.

Watch your step, ma'am.

Leo, can you just take me home, please?

I'm sorry, Mary Jane, I have my orders.

Hey.

Where to, ladies?

Closest liquor store.

Looks like you stopped there a few times already.

We're just gonna go back to her house, Leo, okay?

You got it.

What happened, hmm?

You can skip the part where you professed your love and it didn't go well...

Lisa already updated me.

I really can't tell you the whole story without losing your respect so...

I'm gonna pass.

Sweetie, who has not crawled back to their man and begged them to take them back?

You do not have to be embarrassed about that.

Yeah, except I...

I had an affair and destroyed a family along the way.

On second thought, we'll hit that liquor store first.

You got it.

Pour me another.

You know what?

Not so sure you deserve another one.

I think you should have to sit with what you've done.

I pray, like, 50 times a day that they get back together.

Um, um-hmm.

Like I'm hoping that my affair is the thing that really just brings them back together in a real way.

You know what?

I'm gonna stop drinking right now because every time I look at you, all I can see is John's wench, and I just wanna haul off and punch you in your face.

But you always said that John deserved to cheat.

Yeah, I can say that, because that's how I cope, but your ratchet ass went back to him after you found out he was married.

Please don't judge me.

Yeah, it's late for that.

And you went back and told the wife, really?

See, I was doing that in solidarity.

Oh!

I probably didn't think it through.

And then you slipped on his penga.

Um-hmm.

You need to apologize to her.

What?

That's what I wanted.

Weird, I know.

But I just wanted that bitch to say, "Sorry" to me.

To acknowledge me, to see me, and to accept my existence, and that she participated in hurting me, even if I deserved to be cheated on.

I'd apologize.

I just don't know where they live.

You don't know where they live?

I don't know where they live.

Kara, I'm so sorry.

Given everything that I witnessed you go through, I really didn't want you to know.

Did he ever open any mail at your house?

Got it!

What?

Ha! Hallelujah!

Damn, that's a beautiful house.

Yup, and now, because of you, she's gonna have to sell it.

You don't know that.

His car's in the driveway, so my prayers have been answered.

Oh, right.

I'm not a homewrecker.

Leo, let's go.

Sure thing.

Leo, shh...

Somebody's come out.

It's him.

Yeah.

Is that him?

Come on, Daddy.

You are definitely a frickin' homewrecker.

They could be going to pizza.

Oh, yeah, 'cause I pack a suitcase for my kids every time we go for pizza.

Really?

It was a stretch.

That's your guilty conscience whispering in your ear.

That's what that is.

She's standing there like the Statue of Liberty in a sweater set.

Are you kidding me?

She's freakin' lonely.

She is accessorized beautifully.

Oh, my God.

And she looks brave.

The car's coming.

Leo.

Yeah.

Tell us when he's passed.

He's just about passed.

Gone?

Gone.

Oh.

Oh, my... oh, you, uh... you got a visitor.

Yep, you got a visitor... hello, here she comes.

Don't go! Don't...

Don't move this car, Leo.

Drive off, Leo!

You gotta talk to her.

I don't have to do anything.

Yes, you wanted to...

Oh, no, this isn't gonna end well.

Oh, she looks pissed, she looks pissed.

This is your opportunity.

I'm rolling down the window right now.

I'm opening the window.

It's a bad move.

It's a bad move... don't, don't, don't, don't!

Avery, I'm sorry the window won't go down any more.

It just... I'm sorry.

What are you doing now, crazy woman, hmm?

Stalking me?

You really need to stop calling me that.

Can we come in, please?

You know, I'm actually glad that you stopped by.

I mean, the TV's been on the blink and now that Andre's no longer in the house to fix it, I've been in need of some entertainment.

So, go, go.

Oh, um, well, first and foremost...

Avery, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry... to you and your children.

I'm sorry for... adding a hardship to a relationship that was already challenging enough.

Secondly, Avery, please take him back.

He does love you.

Um, this how it goes, hmm?

You... you get to come into my house and drink my water and relieve your guilt and then tell me how to live my life?

Every move we didn't make was because of you.

He thought about your well-being every step of the way.

Look, Avery, I think my friend is despicable.

I mean, I can barely look at her right now.

She saw me, held me as I cried, snot running down my face every morning before I entered my office constantly because my heart was so broken.

And the thought that she participated in doing this to another woman sickens me.

Mmm, okay...

Sickens me.

It does, but when I got honest with myself, I realized that I wasn't just crying for his betrayal.

I was crying for my betrayal of him, because I checked out on my marriage and I didn't have the gift of the other woman's insight.

She is the last person I can take advice from when it comes to my husband.

Now, see, that's too bad, because actually, she should be the first, because apparently, she was doing something you weren't.

He may wear suits now, but he's still just a soldier coming home from war, hoping that somebody is happy to see him, greet him at the door, ask him how his day was.

It's time for you to go.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, all right, well, um...

Oh, he genuinely supports your decision to go back to work.

And, um... and if you ever give him a blow job again, get on your knees, because it's easier on your neck if you're on the floor and he's...

Okay, go!

Okay, look, look, look, look.

I don't know if you guys are gonna make it... I don't.

But I know that if you don't try your hardest, Avery, you'll regret it.

I don't believe you.

Well, she needed to know.

And I sicken you?

Sorry, Kara.

On behalf of all the wives done wrong, apology accepted.

Come here.

Feel better?

No.

I'm still a homewrecker.

The verdict is still out.

Where to, ladies?

Leo, back to my house.

Sure thing.

Don't do anything stupid.

Remember, you're the go-to girl of the network now.

Too late.

Love you.

I love you, too.

It'll be all right.

Hey, you, uh... you ever read this book, "Ask And It Is Given"?

Say that again?

It's a great book by Esther Hicks.

It says that the universe already knows our heart's desires, and if we just keep our radios dialed to gratefulness, all of what we want will be ours.

So that's our work... just staying grateful, even with faced with the storm of life.

A friend of mine has that book.

Borrow it.

It changed my life.

I mean, it helped me realize everything that has happened in my life, I called it into existence so that I could reach my goals.

You should just take comfort in knowing that everything you're going through is preparing you for what you asked for.

Take me to David's.

You didn't hear a word I said, huh?

No, can you take me to him right now?

I'm sorry, Mary Jane, you gonna have to take yourself.

I've got three cleared addresses I can drop you off at.

It's one of them my home?

Yeah.

We'll go to your home.

Take me home, please.

He said all I had to do was ask.

That was before you went out and stole the sperm, dummy.

I am tired of all the shenanigans one has to play just to trap a man to get what I really want.

But you wanna raise the baby with the man you love.

Don't forget that important detail.

I am running out of time, so please inseminate me.

No.

Even if I was crazy enough to lose my license, it won't work.

You said it yourself.

You froze it wrong.

Paul Junior is a miracle baby.

Maybe it runs in my family.

PJ is a miracle because your mother suffers from lupus, not because your father's sperm was stolen and frozen wrong.

Why do you still have this?

If you hadn't have told him, I still would've had a chance with him.

So it's all my fault.

Yes.

Okay, I'll do it.

Thank you.

You wanna know why?

Because it won't work, and it certainly won't solve all your problems.

You've lost him.

He's with someone else.

He doesn't want you.

Lay down.

Put your legs up.

If I'm gonna do this, I need you to put your legs up.

If you wanted a baby, all you had to do is ask.

If you wanted a baby, all you had to do is ask.

You're right.

This isn't how I want a baby.

I know it's hard letting go.

It's not easy letting go of your dreams.

Everyone wants to know how to move on from a tough time in their life.

The point is, the people I see, the people tend to act out moving on, when, in fact, the only way to truly do it, to really do it, is to start with forgiveness.

Whether you're learning to forgive yourself for years of repeated disappointment, or whether you're searching to forgive the ones you love for repeatedly disappointing you, there will come a time when you'll be asked to utter the words, "I forgive you."

In that moment, you have a choice.

You can suffer defeats and remain a failure.

Or you can rise from the ashes and move forward.

I say, choose forgiveness.

I'd like to thank Rabbi Goldstein for his words of wisdom.

I'm going to add to his truth from my friend Winston Churchill.

"Success is not final."

What is it?

Really?

"Failure is not fatal."

Here.

Good-bye, David.

And I really do hope that you have a great life.

"It is the courage to continue that counts."

I'm Mary Jane Paul. Thank you for listening.